#1849 - How To Actually Get Your Dream Partner

In this episode, Kevin and Alan discuss the importance of self-growth in relationships. They dive into how becoming the best version of yourself is vital to attracting and maintaining a healthy partnership. Relationships reflect the individuals involved, and only through personal growth—emotionally, mentally, and spiritually—can you create a truly fulfilling connection. Kevin shares a personal story about a conversation in a grocery store, which led to an insightful realization: You can only find your dream partner when you work on being the kind of person who can sustain that relationship. Alan and Kevin reflect on the idea that growth is a continuous journey and that successful relationships require two evolving individuals.

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For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

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Show notes:
(03:16) Kevin’s story on being a good husband
(05:25) Why working on yourself is essential before finding your dream partner
(09:08) The challenges of being with a high-value person
(12:45) Why personal growth leads to better relationships
(20:39) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

when you're in a relationship, you bring yourself and your partner brings their self, and then together you're a unit. You're two humans existing together, but the relationship's only going to be as good as you are in terms of the work you've done and your ability to control your temper and your communication and your emotional intelligence and your patience and all that there is someone uniquely suited for you, and you are uniquely suited for you and you are uniquely suited for someone else.

Speaker 2 0:27

So don't allow the external world to completely dictate your value. However, you do have to understand the context that if you want an amazing relationship, you're going to have to become a higher value person.

Speaker 1 0:39

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, kevin Palmieri, and I'm your co-host, alan Lazarus. At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Speaker 2 0:53

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life love health and wealth.

Speaker 1 0:59

We bring you a new episode every single day, on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Speaker 2 1:15

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Speaker 1 1:22

Welcome to Next Level University Anywhere, Completely free. Welcome to Next Level University, Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. I'm going to shut my window because there is a murder of crows, and that's how you say it. I think that's a thing. Yes, it is Outside of my window and I think they want to come at me and they'd like to duel Little. Do they know that I ain't scared of them?

Speaker 2 1:51

Did you know that? A murder of crows. If an eagle is flying low, okay Okay, a murder of crows. Dive, bomb the eagle and attack the eagle's neck to try to get it to be less than what do you?

Speaker 1 2:11

mean get it to be less than To kill it.

Speaker 2 2:14

I'm making a metaphor. Okay, I don't actually know the crow's intention. However, I think that's a powerful metaphor for anyone who is watching or listening to this next level. You, the next level version of you, reach your potential, high aim, high soar, high eagles. Just remember, the crows are going to attack your effing neck.

Speaker 1 2:35

You know that I think crows are one of the most intelligent creatures on the world. In the in the world show that. No, that might not be true at all. That could be completely false.

Speaker 2 2:43

I honestly seriously doubt it based on what I just said.

Speaker 1 2:46

So everyone look it up and see which one of us knows their animals better when tyra and I were in vermont, there was an eagle that was just chilling right above the dock and it was the most regal thing ever of all time. It's awesome.

Speaker 2 2:57

I wanted to be friends with it emilia and I are going to the lake this weekend in otis mass beautiful and there's eagles there all the time. It's really cool give us the address po box number and everything, no, okay all right, how to actually it's really nice I'm excited.

Kevin’s story on being a good husband

Speaker 1 3:15

I'm excited how to actually get your dream partner. I told alan this. I went. So taryn was a little bit under the weather this weekend, so I went down to the store to get some ginger ale. As you do when one is sick, you get some ginger ale.

Speaker 1 3:31

And when I was checking out, there was a lady behind me who had a relatively full cart for the 10 items or less. I think she was probably probably a rebel. She might've been breaking the rules a little bit, made me nervous for her, but it's going to be okay. So I put the little divider between us and I said, yeah, feel free to load up some of your stuff. And she said, oh, thank you so much.

Speaker 1 3:48

And somehow I don't know how it came up. But I said, yeah, my wife's not feeling well. So I came and got some ginger ale and she said well, that's very kind of you, you're probably a good man, a good husband. And I said, well, that's what I signed up for when I got married. I said I was going to be the best man I could be. I wasn't joking. And she said, well, it's really good to see that there's still some good men in the world, and that's the point of today's episode is I'm a good man, I'm the man, I guess. No, that is not what we're talking about. So her and I had a conversation and she said I have four daughters, so I'm always focused on anytime I am out in the world, I aspire to find positive people, because my daughters, I want them to find positive partners. And she said luckily they're all dating really good men right now.

Why working on yourself is essential before finding your dream partner

Speaker 1 4:35

I was like oh awesome and it made me sad, because the lady who was checking us out said it sucks that all the good men are taken, I think she said. And I said no, they're out there, there's some out there. If we think that we're probably never going to find them. And I didn't say that because I don't want to be that guy in the checkout aisle doing a podcast episode with this person who doesn't want to be a guest on my checkout podcast. But I had this moment where I thought to myself here's the unfortunate truth. If you're not working on yourself, if you're not trying to evolve physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, if you're not working on your triggers, if you're not getting to know your past, if you're not, my chair just just did the thing. My chair is not a supportive partner. It's not my dream partner.

Speaker 2 5:25

I think our listeners know your chair very well.

Speaker 1 5:27

We have a common enemy amongst the NLU family, and it is my chair. One of these days, maybe for Christmas, I'll buy myself a new one. I'm just glad it's not me man.

Speaker 1 5:37

Better your chair than me. I need a new one. I think the second I leave my office, I just don't think about it. It's like, all right, I'm done with that for the day. I think the hard truth and this is the hard truth that maybe the person behind the checkout counter never realized stopped understanding, lost hope of, lost sight of, was, if you want to get your dream partner, if you want to get your dream partner, if you want to create your dream relationship, you have to be the type of person that is capable of attracting and sustaining that person. And that's what makes it hard.

Speaker 1 6:15

I'm convinced one of the reasons people say when you get your heart broken or when you break up with someone or a relationship ends, you have to be alone. I think one of the reasons is because you have to work on yourself. Because let's imagine Okay, let's imagine I was in a relationship for three and a half years and I was not very mature. I thought I was a good partner, I aspired to be a good partner, but I had my own stuff I was working through, I was immature, I wasn't a great communicator, all of that stuff. That relationship ends and I get into a relationship a week later. Do you think I've fixed any of those things that I was dealing with? No, is that true? Yes, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2 6:56

What else? So I would consider you a high-value man, and I don't say that lightly. I have a sort of forgive me, an equation in my head where the higher your potential, the higher self-belief, the higher your vision and goals will be. The higher your vision and goals are, the higher the challenges are that you'll face and through those challenges you'll grow more and the higher your standards have to be. And so you've always said sort of I want to be the best man.

Speaker 2 7:26

Since you and I met, the character over everything was the hashtag we used to use, metaphorically and literally. And you are a high value man. You're someone who has goals and dreams and works on themselves, and obviously you have a self-improvement company. So this is what you do for a career. So you're a self-improvement company. So this is what you do for a career. So you're a high-value man.

Speaker 2 7:49

You used to not work on yourself nearly to the same extent. Is that fair? Yes, that is fair. Okay. So prior to the Hyperconscious podcast, seven years ago, coming up on eight years ago, I think, 2017 to 2025, yeah. So, coming up on eight years ago, wild, I know, know, it's awesome. So Eight years ago, you started a podcast called the hyper conscious podcast. Change the way you think, change the way you act, change the way you live and you started working on yourself. So you've Started to work on yourself Exponentially more than before. So you got higher and higher and higher value physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You got better, more valuable. Okay, prior to that you didn't have a lot of goals you didn't have. You said you were insecure, like what are the things? What are the things that there goes the chair again what are the?

Speaker 2 8:44

things that you were dealing with. You said you were in a relationship for three and a half years and then you got in another relationship a week later and you said that that relationship was in over your head. Yeah, you were with a high value woman, according to what you've told us I would say and you struggled because she wanted to go chase her dreams and you felt like you were holding her back. Can you go into that? Just for context.

Speaker 1 9:08

Yeah, just real quick. When Alan says high value man, he doesn't mean what you hear. There's a lot of that in the toxic masculine space where they just completely just destroy. What a positive definition of that would be. So I just want to make sure that everybody listening doesn't think that's the route we're going, because that ain't it Insecure, low self-worth, low self-belief, struggled, a ton with uncertainty and not a control freak but hinging on control freak.

Speaker 1 9:45

It was really hard for me to do things that I didn't. I didn't like new experiences. I didn't like uncertainty. I didn't like not being in control. I didn't like surprises. I didn't like that. I didn't. I didn't have any confidence. I think confidence is certainty that if I go out and I meet a bunch of people, it's gonna be okay. I'm confident enough to know that if I'll be able to handle it meet a bunch of people, it's going to be okay. I'm confident enough to know that I'll be able to handle it. It's not the end of the world. I didn't have that. I fell into the mistake of thinking that my partner was going to fix me. Well, this person is somebody who's very confident. I'll be more confident.

Speaker 2 10:20

This person- is somebody who has higher. How'd that go?

Speaker 1 10:22

Terribly, didn't work at all. This person, somebody got hired. How'd that go? Terribly.

Speaker 2 10:24

Didn't work at all. It didn't work at all. You thought the same thing with your business partner.

Speaker 1 10:28

Yeah, for sure, for sure. Well, even that, even that's an example of you and I have worked together for seven years and I don't know, did I think it was the dream business partnership in the beginning? I don't know, maybe, maybe not. Not in retrospect, it definitely was, and that's because both of us were capable of sustaining this. That's all it is. You know how many, how many people, alan, seriously, how many people mentors have told us behind the scenes that having a business partner is dumb?

Speaker 2 10:59

how many, yeah many, many, all of them, pretty much all of them. I think having the wrong business partner is dumb, of course.

Speaker 1 11:09

And many of the people who have told us that behind the scenes. It's understandable why it didn't work. It wasn't just them, it was you too. You both had your own stuff going on and you didn't fix it. That's why you can't have your dream business partnership because you're not whole yet. You're not. There's pieces of you that will not allow that Same thing with an intimate relationship You're. This is the hard thing and I told Alan. I said I'm nervous to do this episode because I don't want it to come off as me not caring. The reason I want to talk about it is because I care that much. There is work that has to be done. It's just like if you want your dream job, you go to school for eight years and you make sure your resume's spotless and you get the right whatever, not referrals. What do you get when you're trying to get into school? Recommendations.

Why personal growth leads to better relationships

Speaker 1 11:57

Whatever it is, however, you get into school, that you do all that stuff. That's what you have to do. That's a requirement in order to get into that school. I think relationships are very similar where, if you've ever seen someone who is with someone who treats them terribly and you say, how the hell did that happen? They probably have low self-worth or they probably had some trauma in their past that they haven't worked through yet Both sides, not just one, and that's the way they end up coming together, and we talked about this recently. Then, when somebody works on their self-worth and they say, wait, wait, wait. I deserve way more than this, the relationship doesn't work, because the person who attracted them in the first place was attracting a wounded version of them, not a whole version of them. And I think we're all wounded to a degree, not a whole version of them. And I think we're all wounded to a degree.

Speaker 1 12:45

But I'm always afraid to do episodes like this because I don't want it to come off as number one, I don't have it all figured out. Number two I don't know. Am I somebody's dream partner? I think I'm my wife's dream partner, for sure, and vice versa. Right? Maybe you're watching or listening and thinking, kev, you're not my type. Maybe you're not my type either, I don't know. I'm not saying I have it all figured out. I'm the dream partner for everybody.

Speaker 1 13:05

But what I am saying is I don't think there is a. I don't think it's a coincidence that the more evolved I've become as a man and the more emotionally intelligent and intelligent in the world, and consistent and disciplined and on purpose, the better my relationship has gotten. I don't think that's a coincidence, the better my relationship has gotten. I don't think that's a coincidence. I think that's the way it works. So I think that's the common thing. If you're out there and you're thinking well, there's no good people out there, there's no good partners out there, there's no high-quality partners out there. One maybe you're not looking in the right places, and maybe that's a piece of it. Two maybe you're still looking in the right places, and maybe that's a piece of it. To maybe you're still on your journey of evolution where you haven't maxed out what you're capable of attracting yet. That's a very real possibility. And maybe you haven't maxed out what you're capable of sustaining yet. A drastic difference between attracting something and then sustaining it.

Speaker 2 14:00

There's a person I coach who has always craved love and relationships, and I told her this recently. I said I knew that you were reaching another level when you chose to leave a good relationship, because in the past I've known this person for a long time. She left relationships that were terrible.

Speaker 1 14:24

Yeah.

Speaker 2 14:25

And I'm proud of her for that. She had the courage to do that. But this relationship was actually really good and she still left, and the reason why is because she knew it was not her dream relationship and she had the courage and the confidence to admit to herself that if if she were to be with this person long term, she knows that she would regret it. And I asked her, I said go into the future, are you going to regret staying with this person or are you going to regret being with this person? And you could see it on her face. It was damn so.

Speaker 2 15:07

I'm with emilia and I would regret for the rest of my life if I screwed this up. It is the most magnificent thing I've ever personally experienced. Hands down, nothing's even close, to be honest, and I've had some pretty good relationships, intimate and otherwise. It's not close now. The reason why is emilia has worked on herself more than any person I've ever personally met, and I try to say this often. She's 29, about to be 30, the 3.5 version of alan, 35 year-year-old Alan, the high-value man that I've worked really hard to become and I don't mean it in the toxic way, kevin, I appreciate the reframe around that the high-value man that I've worked really hard to become, can be with Emilia at 30. The 3.6, I'm going to be 36 in November, she's going to be 30 in this month, october and the 36-year-old version of Alan can be with the 30-year-old version of Emilia, but the 30-year-old version of Alan definitely could not. And the reason I say that is because I think that a lot myself in the past included didn't understand that value is not only contextual but it's also spiritually. We all have the same value in the economy and in dating we don't. So, for example, kevin is shorter than I am. The majority of women, statistically speaking, prefer a taller man, and there's study upon study upon study. There's a book written by, uh, some of the owners of dating websites. It's called data clism and I don't necessarily recommend the book, although there are some fascinating insights in there.

Speaker 2 17:10

But you realize that not everyone's playing the same game For sure. Taller men have an advantage, successful men have an advantage. More attractive women have an advantage. Different ethnicities, different cultures, whatever, don't care, not going to get into that. Here's what I am going to get into. You have control over your own value to an extent. Kevin can't sprout new legs, but he can work on himself and make himself more attractive to the opposite sex, and the more and more and more that he does that, the more and more valuable he is to his partner.

Speaker 2 17:44

And so at the end of the day, going back to my original client, I knew that she had up-leveled to a whole new level. When she left a relationship for the first time she chose to leave. She wasn't left and she didn't leave out of it being super toxic and she has to go. And for anyone who's been in an intimate relationship where you just knew you had to go because it was that toxic, I see you, I feel you. She's been there too. This was actually really good and she still was like you know what? I can't settle, I can't, I can't settle for this. I know that I deserve better, not deserve, from an entitled perspective.

Speaker 2 18:26

This person I'm referring to coaches with a coach twice a week Me she works on herself constantly, constantly physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, constantly. She asks me questions I've never been asked before. She's always renovating her house. So imagine we all are born with a little shack and then we build it into a little house, and then that little house, and then we build it into a little house. And then that little house, we renovate it into a little house with some more land, and then we renovate that into a little house that's a little bit of a bigger house with a little more land, and then we landscape and garden, and then we renovate the kitchen and the and the deck, and then we expand, expand, expand and then we eventually have a mansion on the ocean and we are super high, valuable men and women.

Speaker 2 19:09

You're not going to go date a shack, nor should you, and that's unfortunately what a lot of us end up doing, because we still treat ourselves like a shack, even though we have renovated our home and we've invested in the kitchen, we've invested in the tile, we've invested in the plumbing, we've invested in the gardens, we've invested in the land, we've invested in the tile, we've invested in the plumbing, we've invested in the gardens, we've invested in the land, we've we've expanded and we've improved and we've innovated and we've earned, and yet we still treat ourselves like crap Not all of us. And then there's some people who are a shack, who act like a mansion, who take advantage of people who are mansions, who still think they're a shack, and so this can get really, really wonky. But at the end of the day, you have to understand your true value. And you shouldn't sell shacks for two million dollars and you shouldn't sell mansions on the beach for 50 bucks. And unfortunately, in the intimate relationship setting, we don't think from that frame. Uh, but we need to.

Speaker 2 20:03

And then there's also context. Right, so some people don't like the ocean, so they want a home on the lake, right? So some women probably do like shorter men. I don't know, I would say statistically it's probably not true, but not common, I would say. But maybe it doesn't bother Taryn where it might bother another girl. The point is is there is someone uniquely suited for you and you are uniquely suited for someone else. So don't allow the external world to completely dictate your value. However, you do have to understand the context that if you want an amazing relationship, you're going to have to become a higher value person.

Speaker 1 20:39

Next level nation. What is happening? If you've thought to yourself, I want to try coaching, but you don't really know where to start, group coaching would be a wonderful place for you. That's really why we created it in the first place. We start a new round every 90 days. So if you're hearing this, go to the website nextleveluniversecom and we have the landing page where you can actually hold your spot right now. Even if there's a group going on right now, you can still lock your spot for the next one. The biggest thing that we've seen is, as we get closer and closer to the date, unfortunately, some people end up missing. The group fills up and they can't do it, and then they end up regretting that. So please head over to the website. The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there. Biceps, I have biceps. That's what it is you know, Biceps.

Speaker 1 21:26

I have biceps. That's what it is. You know, that's it. That's all I got going for me. Short kings, unite. It's a challenging thing to talk about Because it's a very personal. Anytime you talk about relationships it's super personal. And then there's that thing of so you're saying the reason I haven't all my relationships have been not good is because of me. No, not just because of you. But unless you have unreasonably high humility or you are just super self-deprecating, maybe you're not taking as much ownership as you could. I say in my story. I'll say say my partner that left me, that led to rock bottom, she should have left. I didn't think that at the time, though I, because people say oh, that's very mature of you to understand. No, no, no, don't get the, don't get it twisted. I wasn't thinking that the week she left, I thought she was crazy in the week she left.

Speaker 1 22:25

She was crazy. I thought she was crazy and then over time.

Speaker 2 22:29

Was that your ego?

Speaker 1 22:29

100. Yeah, I was hurt. I was hurt. I couldn't. It's very hard to see things clearly when you're hurt, you know. So, no, I didn't have that. I didn't have that thought immediately. That was in. That was through reflection and maturing and distance. Why do you think she should have left? Because she could do better, because she could do better genuinely. That's why she should have left, because I wasn't the best she could get. That and I don't think that's a bad thing to say. That doesn't mean I'm talking down on myself. That's the truth. That's the truth. That's the truth.

Speaker 2 23:10

There are certain.

Speaker 1 23:12

What do you think now? I don't know, I don't think about that. I think I'm a good man. I think I worked really hard.

Speaker 2 23:20

Do you think she can do better than you now?

Speaker 1 23:23

I don't know if there's another man who's willing to work as hard as I am to be the best man he can be. That's what I'll say. You are, but you suck. I don't think about that. You are, but you suck. This is fun.

Speaker 2 23:44

It's cool to see and it's scary on either end. It's scary to share that you think you sucked and that she should have left, and it's also scary to share honestly. She should be grateful to have a man like me.

Speaker 1 23:56

Second one Second one is scarier for sure.

Speaker 2 23:59

Why? Because it comes off as arrogant.

Speaker 1 24:01

I think it can. I think it can. I think that's what we aspire to Imagine getting to the place where you feel so confident and maybe you are, maybe you are out there where you feel so confident in your ability to be a supportive partner that you have that comfort, you have that certainty, you have that solace, you have that. But you don't get that by deluding yourself into thinking you're a great partner. You do that by doing the work. That's why self-improvement is so important, because when you're in a relationship you bring yourself and your partner brings their self, and then together you're a unit. You're two humans existing together. But the relationship's only going to be as good as you are in terms of the work you've done and your ability to control your temper and your communication. And control your temper and your communication and your emotional intelligence and your patience and all that business partnership, you and I.

Speaker 2 24:56

It's so obvious that if you don't grow, you hold me back, and if I don't grow, I hold you back.

Speaker 1 25:01

That's obvious to everybody there is there's money involved there.

Speaker 2 25:07

There is in marriage too.

Speaker 1 25:09

Yeah, but I don't think people look at that. That's my point, is it's?

Speaker 2 25:12

so obvious that every relationship is a yin and a yang of mutual, hopefully an exchange of value and I know you know that I don't have my eye on the time whatsoever- so I'll keep this reasonable.

Speaker 1 25:23

Oh yeah, we're gonna be all right. But.

Speaker 2 25:24

I really want to make this hopefully land in a new way. Kevin and I are business partners and so if I don't work on myself and I'm Not hard working and virtuous and consistent and self-disciplined and improvement oriented and learning and growing and contributing and improving I think I said improving twice, then I hold him and his life back. That's a mathematical fact and same with you. If you get lazy and complacent and blah blah, like you hold me back, you hold NLU back, you hold the whole team back, you hold the world back. Seriously, it's the same in a in a intimate relationship, you're, you're a partner, you're partnered.

Speaker 2 26:04

Emilia, she used to work for a company called Alkermes. It was a very successful pharmaceutical company and she was in IT and she always called me her partner and I think other people thought that she was with a woman, not because they saw me and I look like a girl, but because she said partner. And I now realize that most people only say partner when they're in homosexual relationships. Usually they say my husband or my wife or my girlfriend or my boyfriend. You want to know why she says partner? Because the label determines what it is. I'm her life partner, we're partners. Her life gets worse if I get worse. There is no more important decision than who you choose for an intimate partner. If I am not getting better, emilia's future gets worse. If emilia is not getting better, what we can achieve together gets smaller. So at the end of the day, it's in sports teams. It makes perfect sense. Kevin and I are two on two basketball and if he sucks we're gonna lose because of him I do suck too.

Speaker 1 27:18

We're gonna lose. We are gonna lose the.

Speaker 2 27:22

The point, though, is that's obvious in basketball. Now use that same metaphor for life.

Speaker 1 27:29

It makes sense in a business partnership.

Speaker 2 27:30

It makes sense in two-on-two basketball, but for some reason it's different in marriage. It's not any different, it's the exact same concept.

Speaker 1 27:37

It is. But it's easier to personalize it when it comes to relationships, because I can say I suck at basketball, I don't care. Cool, you're way better at basketball than I am. Cool, you're better at. You're way better at basketball than I am. I don't care, I'm not going to lose sleep.

Speaker 2 27:47

Is it hard to say that you suck at life? Not you, but like. Is that what?

Speaker 1 27:51

I don't think you suck at life. You know what I'm saying. No, no, I know I don't. I don't think that's the label, it's just. I think that is let's talk about a tough realization yeah, 100%. So it's easier to say, well, there's just none. There's just no good men out there or no good women out there, whatever, no, there's no good jobs out there. We've talked about this a million times. You can either change your perception or you can change your behavior. When you change your perception, you lose, you're in trouble, because then you're not going to do anything different. Because then you're not going to do anything different and instead of getting better, you're just going to say, well, it doesn't matter anyway, and you're going to do the opposite, probably, and then, unfortunately, it might be too late, you might not meet that person, because that person is doing work on themselves. And when I say doing work, I'm not saying you have to have a six-pack and have $12 million in the bank, that's not what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 28:47

That's not what I'm talking about, because I have neither of those.

Speaker 2 28:51

I don't have a six-pack or $12 million in the bank, so I'm not saying that, all I'm saying is. It's not exactly what matters in an intimate relationship anyway, Right? How many rich people get divorced, right?

The concept of mutual growth in relationships

Speaker 1 29:01

Well, I was going to say it depends on you want to to talk about attracting someone. Those are two ways to attract someone pretty quickly, but it's just we. I'll end on this. We had Tori Aletto on the podcast several times and she came and spoke at one of the events that we hosted and she said relationships are about growth. Relationships are about growth. The point of a relationship is growth. The point of a relationship is growth. The point of a relationship is to evolve. But the only way to evolve with somebody is to evolve without somebody.

Speaker 1 29:38

When Alan and I are done for the night, I have to go grow by myself. And here's the truth the stuff that I struggle with is not the same stuff that Alan struggles with. So when we're together, it's different struggles than when I'm by myself. It's like Taryn and I. We have different stuff, we're working through different stuff. We cannot bring growth to the table if we're not doing it separately, and I never would have again. I have a unique story with Taryn because I dated Taryn when I was younger and I was not capable. I was not capable of being with Taryn like I am today. I wasn't evolved enough, I wasn't developed enough. She was way more developed than I was. It wasn't close. That never would have worked. It just wouldn't have worked. I wasn't evolved enough, and I think that's a really good example, isn't it ironic?

Speaker 2 30:24

how you closed that door. I knew I was going to mess it up. That's one thing. Very quick distinction for everyone this person that I was referring to. There's a lot of people. This person is very sought after in the dating market lack of better phrasing and she came to me one time. She's like I don't understand. This person is avoiding me and I said it's because they know they can't sustain a relationship with someone like you. They're freaked out. You track 20 habits, five metrics. I mean it's got to be intimidating to be with someone who has such big goals and dreams. I think a lot of people who are really high value individuals not everyone, so be careful with this stay humble in this. But you repel people out of their fear. I mean, what if taryn internalized that, oh, kevin doesn't want to be with me? What if, when, in reality, you were like I don't know if I can be with you? Yeah, that's a whole nother layer. Did you ever think about how that might have made her feel is, oh, okay, you watch?

Speaker 1 31:33

your words with me.

Speaker 2 31:34

You don't want to be with me. She might have internalized that and been like oh okay, I'm not good enough. I was very honest.

Speaker 1 31:39

I was very honest about where I was in life. So you just said that I'm not ready for this. I said I don't think I'm ready for a serious relationship. I don't think I'm ready. I don't think I'm capable. I got shit to do. I got work to do. I'm still. I was coming off a bodybuilding show. I was mangled Because you need to screw it up. I just knew I wasn't in a good place. Work like I was traveling all over the place. It just it wasn't right. I just wasn't at the point in my life where I could sustain something like that.

Speaker 2 32:17

Well, it makes sense, because you went from three and a half year relationship right into another one a week later, so you didn't want to do that same thing. You wanted to go be single and work on yourself. Yeah, and if you didn't do that, you wouldn't have gotten to where you are. You might have screwed it up, I probably would have?

Speaker 1 32:36

I probably would have. I finally felt quote unquote successful because work was crazy and I was making money and I was like I finally felt quote unquote successful because work was crazy and I was making money and I was like I'm, I've, I've worked really well on certain pieces of my life, but I hadn't done the hyperconscious thing yet. That didn't happen, yet that didn't exist, it not, that's right. Yeah, that didn't, that didn't exist, it wasn't. I hadn't got to that point yet.

Speaker 2 33:07

Okay, uh, summary. You wasn't, I hadn't got to that point yet.

Speaker 1 33:08

Okay, uh, summary you and me, yeah I don't know if it's you and I or you and me, you and I, I don't know what differentiates it.

Speaker 2 33:13

I've been called out on either way. I think me is. When it's in this predicate, I is in the subject. I don't know. I'm gonna need you to comment, you and I, man man, summarize what's your main takeaway.

Speaker 1 33:29

While it might hurt less to think that you should just be able to date whoever you want, based on the fact that you're intrinsically valuable, and not end up finding that person, I think getting to the root of the truth and understanding if you worked on yourself more, you would probably have a higher likelihood of dating somebody of higher quality. And some truths suck they just do. I'm glad you brought up the height thing, because that sucks. What am I going to lie about it?

Speaker 2 34:07

Well, no, it doesn't really matter. Yeah, it does. It does it's biologically proven. It matters. I've had women tell me I would never date a short man. Yeah, several, I've had dozens actually, because I've always been a scientist in this and I was short too back in the day, I didn't I laugh very late there's.

Speaker 1 34:18

There's, uh, these street interviews where people go up and ask drunk people like, does height matter? And people will say it. And I watch them and I laugh.

Speaker 2 34:24

It's like, yeah, it's true yeah, it's true 100 and again, typically statistically, want to feel small in a man's arms yeah, well, that's why it's biceps of course but you make up for it. But that's what. Something in your control perfect heels.

Speaker 1 34:39

Heels are my. That's my enemy.

Speaker 2 34:42

I got nothing, kev took something out of his control and then worked on something in his control which is the size of his biceps, and it's a funny metaphor but it is. It is in your control, right? So?

Speaker 1 34:53

well, I think that's all you can do. It's that's all you can do. There's certain things that are out of your control. There's certain things that are in your control. Don't blame the things that are in your control for why you're not getting the results, because that's just a recipe for a miserable life. You might regret that. Here's this would be the blanket statement. If we spent more time just accepting and learning to understand and live with the stuff that we can't change and we spent more time working on the stuff that we could change, I think everything would be better. I think everything would be better because the way you look at yourself would be more accurate and you'd be okay with it. And then you'd say well, these are the things about myself that I am ready to change and I'm capable of changing. Not because I hate myself, not because I don't love myself. It's because I love myself enough to improve myself, because that's what we're here to do. We're here to do so. That would be my thesis.

Speaker 2 35:51

I've been coaching intimate couples individually and collectively, both two four-way four-person sessions and one-on-one male, female, heterosexual, homosexual for four years and I've seen no exception to this rule, which is the quality of your relationship, will be the extent that you and your partner are humble, courageous and vulnerable, and I would just I always go back to that that. I call it the triad of transformation. If you lack humility, you're not gonna get help, you're not gonna work on yourself, you're not gonna renovate your house. Why would someone improve something they don't think needs improvement? If you don't have humility, you don't. You already think you're awesome. You don't think you need to improve anything, or you're not courageous enough to leave.

Speaker 2 36:42

I've been there because you're afraid there's no one else out there, or you're afraid you're not going to find anyone else, or you're afraid you're going to be alone. So you have to be courageous. Or you're not vulnerable, so you're not honest. And if you're not honest about the stuff under the rug, it's going to keep piling up and eventually it's going to explode. And so, courageous, vulnerable communication, plus consistent humility and work ethic, renovate your house and you will attract a higher quality individual. You will and even if you're already partnered, you will inspire and motivate your partner to be better, or they will react with ego, and you'll know the truth about what's going on there.

Speaker 1 37:25

And if you do attract, if you're riding solo and you do attract someone, you'll be able to sustain that relationship To a higher likelihood. I mean, there's still a million things that could go wrong, right, it's not a guarantee because you don't know, but the likelihood is higher. No guarantees, you can't guarantee anything. Okay, next Level Nation, if you are looking for a supportive community we've been talking a lot about relationships and community today of individuals who are into growth, into self-improvement, into awareness, trying to figure out the ego, trying to figure out all the stuff Hyper-consciousness.

Speaker 1 37:59

Next Levelness, we have a private Facebook group called Next Level Nation that is genuinely created for you. It's totally free, there's nothing to get in, and the reason it's private is not necessarily because we want it to be hard to get in. I want it to be easy to get in for you. I want it to be impossible to get into somebody who doesn't belong there. I know how hard it can be to grow on social media and to be vulnerable and to be authentic and to be courageous. The reason it's private is so you can do that and feel safe. So we'll have the link in the show notes. We'd love to have you there. It's a wonderful group of humans and you belong.

Speaker 2 38:34

So today, I woke up this morning to an email. You received a new rating and one new review on next level university podcast nice making a difference is the subject line.

Speaker 2 38:45

Five stars, thank you if you, if, if I'm going to read this anonymously and if you are listening and you know who you are, please reach out to us on instagram or facebook or something. Uh, if you, if you want, these guys are truly making a difference. Love this podcast. Exclamation point. Thank you so much. And if you have not yet rated, are truly making a difference. Love this podcast, thank you so much. And if you have not yet rated or reviewed the show, please do. They literally come to our inbox and that's new. I never used to get those. I don't know if that's a new thing on Buzzsprout or what's going on there, but we really appreciate it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And the more you rate and review the show, the more people we can reach. So please do and please reach out on social media.

Speaker 1 39:25

As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and NLU. We don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2 39:33

Keep reaching for your potential Next Level Nation.

Speaker 1 39:42

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Speaker 2 39:45

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Speaker 1 39:54

Thank you.