Do You Want Comfort Or The Truth? (1868)

Living authentically can enhance both personal and professional relationships. In today’s episode, hosts Kevin and Alan share how understanding your needs can shape your growth journey. From heartfelt coaching advice to insights on feedback and self-reflection, learn when it’s time for honesty and when a comforting word might help more.

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Show notes:
(2:03) Coaching a client on a paid speaking opportunity
(7:31) Seeking comfort Vs. Hearing the truth
(10:02) Understanding your needs: Strategy or support?
(13:24) Three types of lies
(15:23) At NLU, we want you to win! So, we’re giving tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month at 5 PM. https://bit.ly/3BPR2B4
(16:26) Tailoring approach to the individual
(20:27) Balancing honesty and sensitivity in feedback
(25:06) Constructive Vs. Destructive
(26:46) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:01

he's talking to someone he's trying to court slash sleep with and he's like yeah, I'm doing a public appearance later getting paid like 15 notes. I think he got paid $100. But going to your point earlier about lying, I think you lie to the degree that your ego can't handle telling the truth.

Speaker 2 0:18

After that car accident I did decide I'm going to be truthful with myself, because any embellishment that I used to do or any omitting or deflating, I just wanted to stop pretending. I felt like some of my life was pretend life and then some of it was real life and I decided that that was never going to be a fulfilling life.

Speaker 1 0:39

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri.

Speaker 2 0:44

And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.

Speaker 1 0:47

At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Speaker 2 0:53

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health and wealth.

Speaker 1 1:00

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success Self-improvement in your pocket every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Speaker 1 1:22

Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1,868, do you Want Comfort or the Truth? It really sucks when you feel like you're making someone feel bad. We did a group coaching call and I mentioned this a little bit in one of our previous episodes, but I want to tell the full story because if you're somebody out there who wants what's best for people, you probably feel this way maybe more often than you'd like.

Speaker 1 2:03

So after group coaching, somebody reached out to me and they said hey, have you ever paid to speak? And I said no, I think the closest ever was I went to a podcast conference and I paid for all my travel, but my ticket was free. So technically I it costs me money to get there, but no, I didn't pay to to get on stage. And they said well, I have this potential opportunity to pay to speak and it might be a really good opportunity for me to get clients. What are your thoughts? And I thought about it and I was like, oh man, and I have a really good relationship with this person. I've talked. I've talked to this person, this with this person. I've talked to this person. This person's a client. I've talked to this person many times Huge fan, huge fan, great, great human being, just a wonderful human being. And that, right there, is one of the reasons I feel bad, because I don't want to, if this person has had experiences where they brought ideas to people and people shit on their ideas, I don't want to be that guy and I'm not doing it from a place of lack of belief, if anything, I'm doing it from a place of maybe higher awareness in a given arena.

Speaker 1 3:17

So I thought about it and I sent an initial message back and I said, well, how much is it? How much do you have to pay? How big's the audience? Just give me some details. So I'm not just I'm not just throwing words out. Let me get some, some details here so I can really really think about it. Give me the deets.

Speaker 1 3:34

And the person sent the details back and I I was making dinner and I was like I got to send an audio, I got to fire an audio over here and I said honestly, no, no, I feel like this for you would probably be a giant waste of money and I don't think you should do it. If I was in your shoes, where you are today, I would not do it. I just don't think it's worth it. Now I know it feels like a lot of progress in a very short period of time. Understand, completely, understand. This is something you want. You want to speak on stages.

Speaker 1 4:10

I understand I wouldn't do it and it was like a four-minute audio message, because this is the client who somebody said you really need to raise your prices and this person's never done coaching before in this capacity. So I don't they. They need to get some reps in. They need to build belief. The last thing they need to do is add a zero and then they may never coach again after that. That's, that's, that's a lot. So I said that too. I said I just think this person is kind of not taking advantage of you, but I think they're painting a very positive picture of something that's probably not going to happen. And I'm going to.

Speaker 1 4:45

I want to give you the real truth because for me, I don't have a horse in the race. I don't. I don't make any money either way. Whether you go or you don't go, I don't make a dollar, whether you get a hundred clients or zero clients, I don't make a dollar, it doesn't affect me at all, it affects you. And I want to be somebody who can look at it from that perspective.

Speaker 1 5:04

And after I said, let's, I'm happy to hop on a free call, totally free, I don't care, here's my calendar, let's book some time. And I sent a message after I said hey, I'm sorry if that came off as kind of me being a dick, I just don't want to see you get taken advantage of, I don't want to see you get hurt. And honestly, I wish somebody told me what I just told you in the beginning. And they responded and said no, I value your opinion so much. I always want the truth from you. And it was wonderful, it was a wonderful conversation. But here's the downside of having higher awareness you can either choose to say something or choose not to say something. And then the question is are you willing to put up with the potential backlash of saying something and you out there, whether you are watching or listening? Do you want the truth or do you want comfort? It might have been comforting for me to say yeah, go do it. I mean, maybe you'll get 10 clients. You can really get your coaching practice off to a momentous start and I hope, the best. I very easily could have said that I think that's more comforting, but I just don't think. I don't think that's the truth. I don't think that's the truth at all.

Speaker 1 6:23

Second story quickly let's mention the Lincoln lawyer Great show on Netflix, spoiler alert for season two or three, whatever season it is. There's a one of the lawyers is dating one of the other lawyers and they're in a relationship at this point and it's the main character and a female lawyer at this point and it's the main character and a female lawyer. The female lawyer was supposed to tell one of her clients that her husband was out on bail and she didn't and the husband ended up murdering the wife and the lawyer went to meet with her partner, the other lawyer, and she was looking for comfort and, being a lawyer, he gave her the truth. He said, yeah, you really Jeffed that one, in other words. And she got very mad at him and he couldn't understand why. Because in that moment she did not want the truth, she wanted comfort. She knows the truth. That's why she wanted comfort.

Speaker 1 7:31

So maybe that's a deeper part of the conversation. If you know the truth, maybe you want comfort to the place where you can reveal the truth yourself. If you want comfort, maybe you need the truth, because if you lean into comfort, you might end up in some really less than ideal situations. That's my monologue to start the episode. Anything you want to add or you want to just get out of here? I feel like I wrapped it up nicely with a bow amy posted the growth zones in next level nation recently.

Speaker 2 8:00

It's three circles the outer, the outer layer, the outerost layer is anxiety zone, then there's the growth zone and then the inner layer is the comfort zone. So if someone's in the comfort zone, what you're saying is they probably need more truth. If someone's in the anxiety zone already, what they want is comfort so that they can face the truth. I'd say that's very sound. It's a very sound framework and it makes sense. Because the problem is and this is really challenging in coaching is people pretend to be in the comfort zone. When someone shows up all macho and they're like, yeah, I'm killing it and I'm the man or I'm the woman, you push them. I tend to push them harder. But if that deep down behind the scenes, if they're actually in the anxiety zone, overwhelmed, feeling terrible about themselves but hiding that, that pushing actually pushes them too far and I realize that the hard way. So I do agree with the principle. I think it's hard to know which one when someone's putting on a facade and a lot of times they are.

Speaker 1 9:07

Well, how do you know about yourself? This is why asking do you want support? Are you looking for a shoulder or are you looking for a strategy Is great when somebody comes to you, but I think you should. You can also. You should. You shouldn't do anything. You can do whatever the hell you want. You can also go to someone and say hey, alan, I was wondering if I could run something by you. I'm not looking for strategy, I'm not looking for you to solve my problems. I just kind of need a shoulder. I need to get this out, I need to vent for a little bit. Versus just me showing up and then you potentially trying to solve my problems and trying to solve my problems and then me resenting you, yeah, that becomes a whole freaking thing. So as much as you can do it on the end of the receiver of somebody else's feedback, you can also do it as the giver of the feedback.

Speaker 2 10:02

It all is contextual too. So anyone listening or watching this, you're here for self-improvement, you're here to reach your potential. You're here to level up your life, love, health and wealth. So candor is and truth and accurate thinking and being pushed. That's one of the things that I think is interesting.

Speaker 2 10:20

I've had clients that listen to the episodes every single day and I can see a huge uptick in motivation. It's very palpable. For lack of a better phrasing, I can tell when someone's not listening anymore. That's kind of wild to think about, but what I've found happens with our listeners is when they're really feeling good and rock and roll and they've got momentum, they're in it, they're doing it, they love NLU. And then when they're stuck in any form of shame or they lose momentum or they take a big L or they're not feeling very good or they get sick, they don't want to listen to NLU.

Speaker 2 10:51

Because NLU is so it's constantly pushing, constantly pushing people to be better, get better, better, do better, get better, do better, be better, get better, do better. And sometimes people just want to like take a minute, and I totally understand that said, unfortunately and I could be wrong about this, I don't think that I am is is when you show up, even when you are struggle busing, it's almost like the people who need it most or the least in clients. So here's what I've found it's almost like the people who need it most are the least inclined. So here's what I've found. That's difficult about this If someone comes to me and they want a shoulder, usually they need a strategy. If someone who comes and they want a strategy, usually they need a shoulder. It's almost what you want and what you need is almost never the same, and I know that's not where you wanted to go with this episode necessarily.

Speaker 2 11:35

No, no, it's good, but what you want and what you need is almost never the same. There's someone I'm thinking of right now who wants tactics and deep down, what they really need to do is face the fact that they have very little to no self-discipline. And if they fixed that, it takes humility to own that. It takes courage and humility to own that. If they sat there and said you know what, honestly, I have no self-discipline, I am so lazy. I had a client earlier. You know who you are, shout out to you. I asked her what are you struggling with? And she was super honest. She said I'm lazy. She said I struggle with. I said what do you tie your self-esteem to Keep it anonymous? She said male validation. I'm lazy, I definitely tie it to the money in my bank account. I definitely tie it to one other thing that was status related. And I sat there and I was like you're super freaking honest. Most people don't own that. Most people that are lazy are the last people to say, hey, I'm kind of lazy. And then you've got people who are wicked hardworking, who are like yeah, I think I'm kind of lazy. It's always that sort of inverse thing. But to bring this tangible, I think all progress starts with the truth and I do understand it's contextual, I do I.

Three types of lies

Speaker 2 12:52

Just there's three types of lies. You can inflate, deflate or omit. I took a. I didn't take a course. I watched a speech about lying and it was actually pretty in depth and the psychology of lying and all that kind of stuff Lie to ourselves, lie to each other, that kind of thing, and everyone does, but to what extent? I've talked about the story where I embellished. I said I did five laps and I'm like sweetheart, I don't immediately, I don't know why. I just lied to you. I only did four, just embellished. Oh, five round up, fake a lap.

Speaker 2 13:24

Stupid, you inflate, you deflate or you omit, usually depending on what helps you belong. Usually it's in the opposite direction of whatever's causing you insecurity. So if you're insecure about being better than you deflate. If you're insecure about being better than you deflate. If you're insecure about being less than you inflate. And if you are afraid to get close to people, you omit information or you're ashamed of it. So you just like pretend that you never did that thing or whatever it is.

Speaker 2 13:51

But ultimately, if you do want to improve yourself, no matter what, it has to start with an admittance, some sort of an admit, I am kind of lazy and I want to change that. It's an and not an. Or, though you have to say I am kind of lazy and I want to be more hardworking. Boom, we can work with that all day. But if you don't admit it and you keep pretending you're disciplined when you're not which is what a lot of people do and you keep running from the fact that you're not disciplined, you basically will never solve the root problem and you'll keep doing these surface level fixes that never actually do it. And a good metaphor for this is like people who get addicted to plastic surgery when in reality, they need mental health and self-love, that kind of thing and so.

At NLU, we want you to win! So, we're giving tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month at 5 PM.

Speaker 2 14:33

But when it comes to other people, how do you know when to tell truth and when not to? That's something that I've struggled with a lot, because when people come to me, I want to help and I think that comes from a very genuine place. However, in coaching, I know that when I put the coach hat on, you're looking for a strategy. I'm a strategist, that's great, but sometimes you have to take that hat off and just be there and listen and try to understand. One thing that's really, really challenging is when you know the root cause of the issue more than the other person. And you told me this, kev. You said it's hard for people to believe that you know more about them than they know about them 100%. But you're at that position now where you know more about people than they know about themselves a lot of the times, not because you're so, so special, but because this is all we do yeah, but it's, it's a very nlu listener what is happening?

Speaker 2 15:25

I just wanted to jump in here and let you know if you want to get to the next level faster. We have a free virtual monthly meetup at the first thursday of every month. You can connect with like-minded people and become a bigger part of this amazing global community. The link to register will be in the show notes.

Tailoring approach to the individual

Speaker 1 15:45

Here's a. I think this is a common mistake when giving feedback you give feedback in the way and to the level that you could handle it, not in the way and to the level that the person could handle it. That Imagine if I gave feedback to people the way I receive feedback about fitness. Imagine that. Imagine if I gave other people the feedback that I've given you. Nah, not good, yeah, not good, yeah, it's so true, I think. But it makes sense that if you don't know how unique Alan could say to me Kev, you're fat, whatever I'm not, but he could say that to me and it wouldn't affect me. I've had people say that to me.

Speaker 2 16:26

Well, I did one point. Say Kev, this is next level. You not dad bod you. Yes, what the fuck are we?

Speaker 1 16:32

doing here. Man, that was nothing compared to you used to be the guy and now you're not the guy anymore. I was like, oh shit. Well, that was with vulnerability, yes, yes, and tears flew on that one too.

Speaker 2 16:42

So it's not just what you say, it's how you say it, and it has to be intentions that are pure. I'm not saying this for me. I'm saying this because I think that it will help you, but there's so many layers to that. I know Truth and feedback is really hard. I I really I wish we, I think the world would be better if, if we were more honest with ourselves and each other.

Speaker 1 17:03

But you do, you have to do it right and it's very challenging well, you got to start with honest with you before you can get honesty from someone else. I think yeah, because I think that's what ego is. When you say something to me and I've never thought about it, my initial thing is going to be no, no, no, no, I no, I don't think so, I'm not disorganized. What do you mean? I can always find my shit.

Speaker 2 17:24

One more layer to this too. Very powerful conversation. Very grateful for this. I've had people say things to me to give me feedback and I'll get triggered. And they think I'm triggered because it's true. No, I'm triggered because you actually think that, that there's no way. That's true, that's inaccurate. And, by the way, I've I've reassessed myself 8,000 ways with a bunch of different people, so it's not like the first time I've looked in the mirror and the fact that you think you're accurate, that's what I'm triggered by your ignorance not, but they think, oh well, you're accurate. That's what I'm triggered by, your ignorance Not, but they think, oh well, why does it bother you then? No, no, no, it bothers me because if you think that of me, our relationship is built on falsity.

Speaker 1 18:08

Yeah yeah.

Speaker 2 18:09

So truth is a. I mean, we could do episodes on this all day. Are you inflating? Are you deflating? Are you omitting? Where are you inflatinglating or omitting?

Speaker 2 18:21

I think we all have to start with self. I really, really, I'm telling you after my car accident at 26, and at some point I would, I, I really should, I. I realized this with amy earlier. Uh, shout out to amy I you had told your story pretty in depth and I think I should really tell mine to the listeners because I know it's been a long time. Let's do it. But yeah, that'd be great.

Speaker 2 18:39

But after that car accident I did decide I'm going to be truthful with myself, because any embellishment that I used to do or any omitting or deflating, I just wanted to stop pretending. I felt like some of my life was pretend life and then some of it was real life, and I decided that that was never going to be a fulfilling life. And so I think, when it comes to truth, you need to understand where the other person's at, not only in the moment. If someone just came back from a funeral, you're not going to say, hey, kev, what's the deal, man, why haven't you been in the gym? Nor is that your place anyway, so you have to know where the relationship is at. I've've known Kevin for a long time. We built a business together. He's a business owner with me, so I can give him more feedback of dude, what are we doing? So it all it's it's contextual, based on his goals, his level of personal development, his level of insecurity, his level of self-belief and self-worth. My relationship with him it's based on the context and his state in the moment. If he comes crying after a funeral, I'm not going to hammer him with his gym issues, right, and and the permission that you give me in advance by asking the question. So a lot of people ask questions and they don't actually want the real answer and it's very. This is what social dynamics is.

Balancing honesty and sensitivity in feedback

Speaker 2 19:56

Eq and iq are very different and I think this is what this is. Eq stuff, this is being able to read someone's somatic expression. When I coach, I need, I don't need, but I like to have the other person on camera and lately there've been a few people that had bad internet. One of my clients is in Dubai and she had an internet issue and uh, I, I, we, we FaceTimed in tandem with the share screen and I really needed to see her face because I need to see. I need to see somatic expression when I say certain things, to see where we're at, and so you have to read a lot of cues before you.

Speaker 2 20:27

I think some people are very brash and they just kind of come in like a wrecking ball. And I have a friend of mine that I grew up with that it was a wrecking ball. He would just give harsh truth 24 7, 365 and he was overly dominant and quite ignorant, to be honest, and half the time he didn't know what the hell he was talking about. And then you've got other people who never give a lick of truth to anyone ever and they never challenge anyone or anything. But those are the social cowards and, trust me, I resonate with that at times. So it's very hard to find five center on this.

Speaker 1 20:56

I've been saying this a lot lately. I don't know what to say in times like this. I've been saying that a lot when people reach out and they share something. That's, I don't want to say, beyond my comprehension, but beyond my ability to add value to this situation, just because I don't want to give any feedback. That might not be what is it?

Speaker 2 21:23

I had you come up in my head.

Speaker 1 21:25

What is it?

Speaker 2 21:27

What do I do if my little toe looks like candy corn?

Speaker 1 21:31

Ah, that's.

Speaker 2 21:32

I can't even fathom, you don't know what to say in moments like this.

Speaker 1 21:36

Yes, I pull out mine and say we're brothers.

Speaker 2 21:39

Candy corn brothers, don't even worry about it. I didn't mean to. I just continued with what you were saying.

Speaker 1 21:44

I was thinking of something earlier. Again, if you've seen Eastbound and Down, it's a very low vibe graphic show, One of my favorite comedies ever of all. I can't watch it anymore because I just feel gross. I really do. I never saw it High school.

Speaker 2 22:00

You would have loved it ever saw you high school, you would have loved. College, you would have loved it. That's when you know it's a low vibe movie.

Speaker 1 22:07

You know he's a washed up back at 15 he's a washed up major league baseball player who is the phys ed teacher at the high school he went to and I already know the whole movie now.

Speaker 2 22:19

no, it's a series, it's a series. It's a series, oh okay.

Speaker 1 22:22

And trust me, you don't. It goes places. But he's talking to someone he's trying to court, slash, sleep with and he's like, yeah, I'm doing a public appearance later Getting paid like 15 notes. I think he got paid $100. But going to your point earlier about lying, I think you lie to the degree that your ego can't handle telling the truth. Imagine if he said yeah, I was looking for 15 notes, but they're giving me a hundred dollars and a coupon that sucks.

Speaker 2 22:51

That's it's 15.

Speaker 1 22:52

Notes me 1500 note a note c note is a hundo hundo piece. All right, I don't speak lingo, son well you know I don't get out of bed for any less than a Jibo. A Jibo is 10 notes.

Speaker 2 23:04

Yeah, got it.

Speaker 1 23:05

I'm totally kidding. I had a point to make with all that, but I didn't make it and it's gone. Now I know we've got to jump.

Speaker 2 23:12

We do have to jump. The question that I would have is I had a client once who said I want you to be as hard on me as you are on yourself. And I told Emilia and Emilia said she would die. She was being playful with it. But the truth is all of us have to be okay.

Speaker 2 23:32

If you're in the NBA, the coaches are harder. Imagine an NBA coach coaching seven-year-olds screaming in their face. Not good, that's not good. But imagine an NBA coach being like, ah, don't worry about it, no big. I mean, yeah, 10 million dollars a year not a big deal. Like, yeah, so we lost the championship and all that merchandising and we basically just lost 50 mil. I don't worry about it. You forgot to tie your shoes today. It's cool. Everything's contextual man. Of course, if you're the freaking business owner of nlu, I have to be harder on you by definition, but I can. If you're the freaking business owner of NLU, I have to be harder on you by definition, but I can't. You're not going to you ever see one of those coaches who takes middle school football too seriously? And they're screaming in the kids.

Speaker 2 24:12

Yeah, it's like dude, what are we doing here? Right? But if it's the Superbowl, you know you might get a little fired up. It is what it is. So it all depends. I think the level of truth you give yourself and others is depending on the context and the circumstance. And I think some of us are too easy on ourselves, some of us are too hard on ourselves, some of us are too easy on others and some of us are too hard on others, and I think we can all get closer and closer and closer to center. So that's, that's my thesis for this.

Speaker 1 24:36

My thesis would be the way you treat others is not necessarily the way sorry. The way you treat yourself is not necessarily the way sorry. The way you treat yourself is not necessarily the way you treat others, because you are different than everyone and everybody is different than you, and the way I talk to myself about fitness is not the way I should talk to somebody else. Maybe the way, the way I give advice that I would give advice to me is not the way I would give advice to somebody else. It's, I think. Emotional intelligence is a huge thing. We don't do enough episodes on that. I don't think I know anything about it, you do.

Speaker 2 25:06

But I don't know what. I know it's like what am I going to talk about? Very last thing promise Constructive and destructive. It was constructive for Kevin to say, hey, man, that ain't it. You're kind of out of shape, you're looking a little fat. That was actually constructive for me. You're looking a little fat like that was actually constructive for me. But that would not be constructive to someone who really does deal with fat shaming and bullied and who is overweight, right. So you, just you really do have to ask okay, is this going to be constructive or destructive? I think the advice that you gave her in the context of the opening story, I think that was very constructive and I think you helped her dodge a bullet, and I think that's really powerful. But she's also amazing and able to handle it and that's why she's reaching out too. So in a way, yeah, it's very important to understand where the other person's, at what level of truth, how you say it and whether or not it's constructive or destructive is ultimately the goal.

Speaker 1 26:00

I don't know if we could ever do a full episode on this, but I was just thinking. Intention is great, but you can't use it as an exit strategy. When you screw up, you go. No, it wasn't my intention. Whatever, it doesn't matter, that wasn't your intention. I appreciate the fact that you you know that might make for a cool episode. I just don't know what the point of it would be.

Speaker 2 26:20

To quote Jurassic Park 3,. He said some of the worst things in the world have been done with the best intentions.

Speaker 1 26:25

Ooh, that's powerful. Then he got eaten off the pooper, or was that a different one? It was a different one, damn.

Speaker 2 26:30

I know that part. I know that part, all right.

Outro

Speaker 1 26:32

We got to go. Next Level Nation. If you have not joined our private Facebook group, next Level Nation, and you're looking for a group of amazing humans that are into growth and self-awareness and self-improvement and getting rid of ego and all that happy jazz, we'll have the link in the show notes, as always. We love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2 26:53

Keep it constructive. Next level nation.

Speaker 1 26:58

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next.

Speaker 2 27:03

Level family. We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Speaker 1 27:13

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow you.