An Important Thing To Know About Boundaries (1869)

Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros dive into the challenging but essential discussion on boundaries and personal growth. This conversation explores why standing up for yourself may lead to redefining connections and gaining valuable lessons on aligning individual goals and values. Take a step today that your future self will thank you for!

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Show notes:
(1:44) Aligning with like-minded individuals
(5:33) Personal growth often leads to relationship changes
(8:14) The role of abandonment fears in relationship choices
(12:20) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching. https://bit.ly/3Up1FkG
(14:03) Cognitive distortion in relationships and self-value
(20:39) Finding relationships aligned with personal goals
(22:30) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin 0:01

I have a firm belief that when you're, let's say, outgrowing or growing apart or growing in different directions, whatever it is realigning becoming more aligned, whatever the phrase is, I think that's a really good thing, because that's something that probably should have happened sooner. You just might not have had the courage to do it. I think that's a good thing. I don't think that's a bad thing.

Alan 0:23

I think that's a good thing? I don't think that's a bad thing. In order to keep relationships in your life, you will sometimes inflate their value and deflate your value in order to make it work unconsciously.

Kevin 0:36

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri.

Alan 0:41

And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.

Kevin 0:44

At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers. Our goal with every episode is to help you level up yourief self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan 1:13

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Aligning with like-minded individuals

Kevin 1:22

Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today for episode number 1,869, an important thing to know about boundaries. So I said to Alan, I said I have an idea for today's episode. I was following I follow the wonderful Tori Aletto. She has been on the podcast two or three times. When she was doing her podcast we were producing it. She's spoken at an event that we hosted. We went to see her in person. Just a great human, wonderful human being. She did a post. Huge fan, huge fan.

Kevin 2:04

Shout out to Torri sweetheart just as awesome behind the scenes as she is in front of the scenes I coached tori for a time.

Alan 2:10

It was. It was wonderful, yes she's a wonderful person.

Kevin 2:12

I wish.

Alan 2:12

I wish we could still coach her, call her up, give her a buzz. I'll have to. I haven't called her. I haven't reached out in a long time.

Kevin 2:19

So, dude, it's alan. How are you living? It's your boy. It's your boy, how is you?

Alan 2:24

Yeah, I think I pushed her to work way, way, way, way, way harder, and she is in a family time.

Kevin 2:32

Yeah, well, going back to the previous episode, you were like, hey, grind your face off, let's do it.

Alan 2:37

Yeah, let's do this, let's grind our face off.

Kevin 2:40

Okay, she put up a quote and said Alan, I said that would be a really cool episode if we looked at the quote and we talked about it, because Tori knows a ton and she's extremely intelligent, she has a really good perspective and she has a way with words and yeah, of all the guests I mean we've had some amazing guests on in the past she was definitely one of my favorite and even I even respected her more when we met her behind the scenes. So this was the quote and her handle is at NY therapist. I want to make sure I give credit. Maybe it's not the actual boundary setting you are struggling with. Maybe it's facing what may be revealed in the relationship when you start fully showing up Alan.

Kevin 3:25

When I read that to Alan, he said what would you say are some examples of that? And I said well, I think, going back to the previous episode, the last thing you want to do is get a boost of confidence, a boost of self-belief, a boost of self-worth, and say you know what? I'm going to stand up for myself, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it this time. I got this, I got this, I got this, you do it. And then the response from the person that you stand up to makes you have to reevaluate the entire relationship. So if I said to Alan hey man, I know we're supposed to record tonight, but I have blank, like Taryn's really Taryn's having a rough day or there's family stuff going on I'm not going to be able to do it. Can we meet tomorrow at 9 am? Alan would say yes, 99.999 times out of 100, unless there was something else and we do a different time. But if alan said, dude, honestly, the podcast matters more than the family, that I would.

Alan 4:32

Everything would change, dude, dude how, like when I coach a lot of business owners, blah, blah, that's awesome.

Kevin 4:40

Congratulations, alan my point is most, you're the best.

Alan 4:44

Yeah, thank you I also coach dory, like alan, just whatever you coach me as well.

Kevin 4:49

Yeah, yeah I coach kev, I coach everybody.

Alan 4:51

That's great no, but the point is, everyone's so afraid to get a business partner. This is why, oh yeah, can you imagine a world?

Personal growth often leads to relationship changes

Kevin 4:58

where I would say that shit no. But but I know you and similar core values, similar core beliefs, similar core aspirations. We value things similarly. So no, I would never worry about that. That's awesome. I worried about there was a time where I was like I I'd stopped, I wasn't smoking weed for a long time and I started smoking weed again. I was like I can't tell alan alan's gonna think I'm a burnout, he's gonna think I'm going off the rails. He's out here burning and then alan was like dude, I don't, whatever man.

Alan 5:33

Yeah, you do. You, man, what do you think I care, I'm all about personal choices well, I, you do, you, I respect do. I think that's the best thing in the world for you if you do it daily. No, but you do, you, man of course, yeah, man, I, I can't.

Kevin 5:50

I can't imagine being somebody who the the person you're attracted to is against your parents' desires or beliefs or wishes Like that. You know, if you come out, that potentially might wreck the relationship Again. That's not a boundary, that's more like you as a human being and your desires and your needs. Yeah, but it's the same. It's a similar concept. I think it's stay misaligned Versus Stay misaligned versus stay misaligned and keep the relationship versus get aligned and risk the relationship.

Alan 6:25

Yeah, man Did that for way too long.

Kevin 6:28

It's wild, but it's understandable. Have you ever done that?

Alan 6:32

I did. That, I'm sure, way more than I'm proud of For sure I'm sure I did.

Kevin 6:38

I'm sure I did. I don't think it's a through line. I don't think it's a through line.

Alan 6:42

I don't think it's something I coconut oil on my lips, okay, and uh, instead of chapstick. Yeah, not, not working. What?

Kevin 6:47

does that?

Alan 6:47

mean that my lips are just ripping they're ripping chapped lips every fall man, every fall. I get interesting, yeah, but anyways, uh, I've. I've done that more than I'm proud of what were you saying something, something valuable, super valuable.

Kevin 7:01

Then you had to bring in today's sponsor, jeff's Coconut Oil for lips, and it doesn't work, obviously. What was it like when you were doing it? What was the internal dialogue when you wanted a set of boundary?

The role of abandonment fears in relationship choices

Alan 7:15

Yeah, so 14 years old, stepfather leaves, takes his whole family with him. We don't really associate with my birth father's side, the McCorkles, as much because we were trying to be the Lazaruses my real last name is McCorkle for the newer listeners and then that same year my mom gets in a fight with my Aunt Sandy, her sister Sandy, and we get kind of ostracized from that side of the family too and to this day I've only ever seen two of them. So abandonment issues were there unconsciously and I did not realize that, and a good metaphor for this would be Good Will Hunting, which he just surrounds himself with people that maybe aren't what's best for him but they're very loyal. And I feel like I did a lot of that and sort of shrunk myself to fit. It's almost like I would rather be lesser me and not abandoned than all of me and quote unquote, abandoned.

Alan 8:14

But none of that was conscious. I did not realize that that was driving, but of course of course I mean the scaffolding of my entire existence. Unconscious I did not realize that that was driving, but of course of course I mean the scaffolding of my entire existence fell out from under me at 14 and my trauma response to that was somehow aim higher, work harder, get smarter and basically don't lose anyone. Try your best not to lose friends, try your best not to lose family, try your best to be what people need and and I think that a lot of people who have struggled with any abandonment issues they probably resonate pretty deeply with that. Maybe not to the same extreme, but I remember when we came back from an event, kevin was, uh, flying high, feeling good about himself and I I started crying, saying don't leave, it's over, we're screwed. And I remember my intuition just knew you got cocky and if you get cocky now.

Alan 9:00

I mean we're screwed because that was way back then and we, we were one, one thousandth of what we had, but it was easier to be cocky back then.

Alan 9:06

Life has humbled me too many times since then, but very little of that left because when you get cocky and I, I basically am like, oh, but I didn't realize anytime a friend ever got cocky, I knew that was kind of the end because growth stopped and that's intimate relationships too. I've, for those of you out there who I'm going to say this, and I have courage to say this, for those of you out there who resonate without growing people, I have, I have huge goals and dreams and I and I have to grow to achieve them. And not everyone has big goals and dreams. And if you don't have big goals and dreams, you don't need high standards. If you don't have high standards, you probably won't face as much mirrors or feedback and you won't grow as much. And so the outgrowing people thing definitely caused me to not set boundaries because I I wanted to keep. Unconsciously, I was more afraid of abandonment than I was of anything else.

Kevin 10:04

I think of this whole thing. You know me, I like to think of things visually. I think of this whole thing as imagine that you work with 10 people that you like. You like them a lot, you have respect for them, you hang out with them, they're friends. Somebody stole something from the work. Let's say there's a tip jar and all the money in the tip jar disappeared. There's 260 bucks in there.

Kevin 10:32

Two thoughts One we want to figure out who did it, because that's everybody's money and we're all missing out from that. Part one because that's everybody's money and we're all missing out from that. Part one. Part two I would really hate to imagine that somebody I care for could actually do that. Yeah, so I can imagine that there might be some people out there that would say, honestly, I'm not even going to bring it up. I wouldn't even bring that up, and I'm not saying that's right or wrong, but I can imagine. I think this is one of the reasons it's so hard to become an adult, because when you become an adult, I think you naturally look at your parents differently, because you're more aware. And that's not about boundaries, but that's about Do you delude yourself into thinking that your childhood was sunshine and rainbows when it wasn't? Do you delude yourself into thinking that your childhood was terrible when it wasn't? Hypothetically and maybe delude's not the best word for that, because there's layers to that, but that's another piece.

Alan 11:27

Well, it goes back to what we talked about in the last episode, which was inflate, deflate or omit. There is tons of psychological research around cognitive distortions that you can research this and I've studied different modalities of therapy. I have a therapist named Carolyn. Ultimately, the practical this is not. This is a coaching self-improvement podcast that we are not therapists, Kevin and I. However, we have both done therapy and we understand a lot of it, and a lot of the stuff I do in coaching intimate couples is actually very therapy based, but I'm a coach because legally, I need to make sure that's very clear.

Kevin 12:09

I coach podcasters. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

At NLU, we want you to win! So, we're giving tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month at 5 PM.

Alan 12:13

Okay, disclaimer Nice, we're good, we're in the clear now. Okay, nlu, listener, what is happening? I just wanted to jump in here and let you know if you want to get to the next level faster. We have a free virtual monthly meetup at the first Thursday of every month. You can connect with like-minded people and become a bigger part of this amazing global community. The link to register will be in the show notes. The link to register will be in the show notes.

Alan 12:41

This cognitive distortion, emilia, to make it very practical. She said you keep deleting files. You delete files about other people so that you don't see them accurately, so that you can keep them in your life. And I'm going to give an example. So I had one friend way back who literally broke into cars on the sides of the road and just stole stuff, just, and the the worst part about it is a bunch of people thought it was funny stole a bunch of stuff and I would unconsciously delete those files.

Alan 13:14

And it's not until my 30s that I started looking back going. You know why? Was I ever friends with him? He's kind of a shithead, to be honest, and not only that, but some of my other people from my past. And then you start to see the truth. You really start to see the truth Because this is very researched too If you do grow up in a really challenging environment where there's a lot of really negative things happening, stuff like that.

Alan 13:41

Granted, I cheated on tests in high school. I cheated on my vocab test. I stole target once, like. I'm not a perfect either no one is. However, in order to keep relationships in your life, you will sometimes inflate their value and deflate your value in order to make it work unconsciously, and there's a lot you can research around this. So look up cognitive distortion and you can go down the rabbit hole of it.

Alan 14:14

But ultimately, what Emilia has helped me understand and Carol, my therapist, is that I cognitively distort the truth in order to see people better than they are, so that I can keep a relationship with them, so that I don't get abandoned, and I now. I stopped doing that, by the way, which is also why I don't really have a lot of friends anymore, and the truth of the matter is is is there are no good people or bad people. There's a spectrum, and I aspire to hang around people that are very, very in integrity and that don't steal stuff out of cars, and that's just my own true standard. I don't, I don't ever want to like. If I'm going to be the best version of me, I need to surround myself with the best people and, believe it or not, some people are really shitty people.

Alan 14:56

They just are and if you are naive to that, you will. You will learn the hard way that that's just the case. So you have to be discerning what's the difference between a mansion and a shack? Right, and ultimately, I used to surround myself with shacks and convince myself they were mansions. And I am done with that. Pardon my french, it's fired up. It's a very important topic and it's fired up on a monday, if I swore in front of anyone's children.

Kevin 15:20

I apologize dear young nlu listeners alan apologizes for dropping the f bomb right in front of you. I remember I told you I I remember I said hey, man, many of these friends, and I don't think you'd mind me saying if, bringing this up, if you do just let me know I I remember saying I most of these friendships aren't gonna to last because you're not going to be the same person that you pretended to be before yeah that's all it is.

Kevin 15:48

It's just a dynamic. The relationship was built on misalignment. So, as you become, I've never been able to explain this, but I have a firm belief that when you're, let's say, outgrowing or growing apart or growing in different directions, whatever it is realigning becoming more aligned, whatever the phrase is, I think that's a really good thing, because that's something that probably should have happened sooner. You just might not have had the courage to do it. I think that's a good thing. I don't think that's a bad thing.

Kevin 16:21

Somebody commented on one of my TikTok videos where I brought that up. They said I don't think that's it doesn't. It seems negative, like you're wishing the best for someone even though but they're not in your life anymore. It's like no I. I realize that if you okay, just like I shouldn't have to pretend not to like self-improvement. I don't want somebody to have to pretend to like self-improvement. If you don't like self-improvement, it's okay. If you don't like self-improvement and if you don't like fitness and if you're not somebody who wants to improve and you're not focused on your character and this and this and this we're probably not going to work out anyway. So let's not pretend, because that's doing both of us a disservice, not just me.

Alan 17:03

Yeah, it's very rational, not just you, it's very rational.

Kevin 17:05

I'm very rational when it comes to relationships.

Alan 17:08

Which is surprising, considering and I know we've got to jump soon but you also dealt with abandonment when your dad left, yeah, but your reaction to that abandonment was the polar opposite of mine. So mine was what's known as an anxious attachment style and trying to belong, trying to create belonging so that there's no abandonment, and yours was what Disassociate and just be okay with abandonment.

Kevin 17:35

Basically Be careful. Be careful with but even that I don't know, because I wasn't. It's not like I was protecting my heart, it's not like I was. You couldn't get close to me, like that's never been a thing for me. I get very close to people. I love that. I'm just not I think I mourn it in advance. I just I mourn the loss of somebody long before they go.

Alan 18:04

I think. I think that's probably what it is Well, it's also easy to see from the outside in. So you look at me and my friend group back then and you go. There's no way.

Kevin 18:13

Yeah.

Alan 18:14

And that's obvious to me, with you or to me. But what if I knew that?

Kevin 18:18

about you because I knew that about me and you're just a more extreme example of me. I knew that about me. I knew that about me and you're just a more extreme example of me. I knew that about me. I've been saying that for a while.

Alan 18:32

I'm gonna have like I'll have a couple really close friends and then that'll be it. I really won't spend time with other people. So I playfully share with nlu team members. I playfully say and there's some truth to it, which is why I say it playfully is like once you come on the nlu team, you're gonna lose all your friends. I'm playfully joking, but the truth is very few people are into self-improvement and you're at a company that focuses on growth and self-improvement and personal development pretty much every day, and so you're going to become exponentially more different. That's a mathematical fact and that's going to be harder and harder and harder.

Alan 18:59

To go back to old persons, places, things and ideas and Ke to go back to old persons, places, things and ideas, and kev's will wait. You don't have to lose all your friends. No, no, I'm being playful, that's why I say it tongue-in-cheek. However, I don't think you can grow physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I don't think you can grow a ton and not lose relationships. At least. They have to evolve, they have to change. If I, if I suddenly decide I'm gonna be a pro skier, my relationship with kev has to change drastically. We can't be business partners anymore. Nlu has to change and somehow we have to ski well, self-improving that might be the thing that might be it.

Alan 19:37

There it is. That's what we're missing. I gotta we gotta go live by the mountain, okay I'm gonna come with.

Finding relationships aligned with personal goals

Alan 19:41

Yeah, there you go, but my relationship with kev has to change. My relationship with every NLU team member has to change my relationship. I don't think people understand this and I certainly understand why, because I didn't either in the past. Relationships are a byproduct of goals and core values. If you meet someone at a wedding, it's because you both knew that couple. It's not because you both were meant to meet. And I have one client who really wants to meet her dream partner and I said you're going to meet her or him on the mission. Just stay on the mission, stay in your purpose, stay in your calling, stay in your passions. You're going to.

Alan 20:17

You love self-improvement books. You're much more likely to meet your person in the self-improvement section of a bookstore than out at the club. And it doesn't mean you can't at the club. I'm just saying play the numbers. So to me, I met emilia on the mission and that's why it's worked so well. And you and I don't even know why we worked. But now, in hindsight, it's obvious same core wound. Both have low self-worth, both love bodybuilding and self-improvement, love deep conversations. Both grew up without fathers, both were raised by two women. So in hindsight it's obvious why this has worked and we're not entitled and we both have ridiculously high work ethic well, my biggest fear is being left behind.

Kevin 20:54

Your biggest fear was leaving people behind. It makes sense, it's worked perfectly good luck, it's still working yeah, you think you're gonna leave me behind. Good luck, I'm gonna chase you. I will chase you as far as you go, sir.

Alan 21:04

sir, you're not leaving me behind.

Kevin 21:06

You're my meal ticket. You're my way out, but I'm going to earn it Right, I'm going to earn it.

Alan 21:11

All right, we got to go.

Kevin 21:12

Because you have a coaching call. But this was good. I enjoyed this very much. I would like to do Again. I don't know but shout out to Tori shout out to. Tori. Tori's wonderful. Give her a follow at NY Therapist on Instagram. Great content, great person. Again, we attach ourselves to very few humans, but Tori is someone that, if you follow Tori. You're going to get a ton of value and you're going to get a lot of truth too, though disclaimer, you're going to get a lot of truth.

Outro

Kevin 21:38

She gives a lot of her are very like you're going to look at yourself in the mirror after this, yeah, and your relationship and your relationship All right. Next, solve a Nation is the place for you if you are looking for growth-minded human beings. Book Club is every Saturday at 1230 Eastern Standard Time. They are reading Identity Shift by Anthony Trucks right now, so you can join that and do something today that you're going to be proud of later. A little something, a little something, a little extra something there at the end. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan 22:16

Lean into courage. Next Level Nation.

Kevin 22:20

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan 22:27

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin 22:36

Thank you.