1 Habit That Will 100% Improve Your Relationship (1881)

Want to strengthen your relationships and make a real difference in the lives of your loved ones? Join Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros as they share practical tips and real-life examples of how small, thoughtful actions can make a significant impact! From romantic partnerships to friendships and family bonds, learn how simple habits and mindful thinking can foster deeper connections and more meaningful relationships. Tune in for a refreshing dose of honest advice and inspiration to help you build stronger, more loving relationships starting today!

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Show notes:
(2:02) Introducing proactive thoughtfulness
(3:07) Everyday examples of thoughtfulness
(4:24) The role of habit tracking in relationships
(6:13) Kevin and Alan’s relationship struggles and insights
(8:01) Emotional intelligence in relationships
(10:24) Influence of childhood observations on adult relationships
(11:35) Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://a.co/d/9fPpxEt
(17:46) Why small gestures matter in relationships
(22:11) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri 0:00

they were just. They were always yelling at each other and screaming at each other and it was funny as a kid because you thought they were having fun with it, but I don't think they were having fun with it and they ended up not staying together, understandably. So I guess it makes sense. But yeah, no, there wasn't any modeling.

Alan Lazaros 0:21

I didn't have anything to follow you put a lot of effort into your relationship, a lot, a lot more than most men and every person listening knows that and not a lot of people are like that and, as a matter of fact, that's the minority. So no, I don't think relationships are easy. I don't think they ever have been or ever will be.

Kevin Palmieri 0:45

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri.

Alan Lazaros 0:49

And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.

Kevin Palmieri 0:53

At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros 0:59

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri 1:06

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros 1:21

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Introducing proactive thoughtfulness

Kevin Palmieri 1:28

Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1,881, one habit that will 100% improve your relationship or Alan will come to your house and clean your kitchen. It's a mighty offer. It's a mighty offer to start today's episode. All right, so they say something.

Kevin Palmieri 2:04

There's a quote out there somewhere on the internet I'm sure that I'm not aware of where it's something like top of mind, something Insinuating that when something remains top of mind, it remains a focus, it remains something that you do consistently or it remains a habit. Essentially, and the habit that I believe will 100% improve your relationship is something I've been tracking. I don't know for how long, probably, I don't know, maybe a year, year and a half and it is called proactive thoughtfulness. So I do believe I'm a thoughtful human being. I try to be thoughtful of other people, but it's very easy to forget about that on a day-to-day basis when life gets hectic and business is crazy and I'm not getting enough sleep and I'm struggling to exercise. Whatever, the point of proactive thoughtfulness is to see that on my PPT, my system of success, my habit tracker every day and say, okay, what is one thing I can do today that Taryn will feel knowing that I was thinking of her Some days it's?

Kevin Palmieri 3:07

What I've been doing a lot recently is just sending a cute message, a cute text message in the middle of the day. I know maybe you're thinking, kev, it's not that hard to remember that, it's not that challenging to do that every day. Maybe it's already top of mind for you. I just get lost in the flow of the day and next thing I know it's six o'clock at night and she's getting home from work. So I don't. It's just not always top of mind for me. So that proactive thoughtfulness that I track every day, it just creates ideas and it forces me to be more creative. Excuse me, please keep it down, it would. It also helps me create ideas, as I was saying, and be more creative and it just remains top of mind and I believe that everybody could benefit from a simple habit like that the habit loop trigger, behavior reward and the peak performance tracker.

Alan Lazaros 4:01

The habit tracker I always say you gotta have the label right if you want the trigger to trigger the correct behavior. So proactive thoughtfulness. This morning when I woke up I plugged in emilia has this little tea kettle. I plugged it in and set it up and put her chai tea in there and she thanked me and she said that was so sweet. And do you have that? Do you have a habit you track for that?

Kevin Palmieri 4:24

or are you just trying to make me look bad, you son of a bitch?

Alan Lazaros 4:27

no, no, no, I'm not, no, I just it would probably be a good thing, but I am, you're pretty thoughtful as well. Yeah, I would say for sure. Yeah, I'm always trying to do that. We also have a uh nucleus. We call it's every single week. We have one thing we do for me, one thing we do for her, and then one thing we do for the we and we have it on our whiteboard downstairs and that helps us keep ourselves taken care of and each other taken care of.

Alan Lazaros 4:59

But, yeah, I probably would benefit from that, for sure, and I do agree with you. No one would not benefit from that.

Kevin Palmieri 5:06

I, yeah, Double negative, 100% and even if okay. So if you're not in a relationship proactive thoughtfulness with friends, proactive thoughtfulness with family somebody has to reach out to start the conversation. Somebody has to. And, yeah, maybe it will end up being you more than you want it to be, but I have noticed a drastic increase in the quality of our relationship the more often and the more thoughtful I've been. And again, it's not rocket science, it makes sense. I feel like for most of us, it's not that we don't know what to do, we don't know how to do it, we don't know what to do, we don't know how to do it, we don't know when to do it, or it just has not yet become a habit, specifically in relationships. I feel like it's not super challenging to succeed in a relationship, would you? Would you argue with that?

Alan Lazaros 6:04

Yeah.

Kevin and Alan’s relationship struggles and insights

Kevin Palmieri 6:05

Okay. Yeah, I think Didn't expect it to go that way. I thought we were going to have a nice smooth transition here. We'll wrap up. We'll be out in three to five minutes.

Alan Lazaros 6:13

Wrong, no worries. I've been coaching couples for four years now and just want people to know I'm not just saying this, but I think If you have a lot of humility, courage and vulnerability in your relationship and you are with someone who is compatible, I think it will feel pretty natural. However, you can still royally screw that up, of course.

Kevin Palmieri 6:39

Unless it's meant for you. And if it is meant for you, you can't mess it up.

Alan Lazaros 6:43

You've got to give reference to that.

Kevin Palmieri 6:45

Well, that's just bumper sticker. Self-improvement. That just isn real, and we talked about it a little bit on an episode previously, so I wanted to give a little throwback to that.

Alan Lazaros 6:54

So I actually think the hardest things in life to achieve is health, wealth and love, and I think that usually we're really good at one of them, decent at one of them, and then terrible at one of them.

Alan Lazaros 7:12

And my assessment of you, kevin says people love when you tell them, about them, and you did that with me earlier, so that's good and that's really what a good friend could do if they do it playfully and or just if they're kind with it. So I believe that you were good at relationships and again, relatively speaking, right yeah it wasn't great. So wealth, I think, was the one that you struggled with, uh, health, you did pretty well. And then love. I think that came natural. It seems like it comes natural, I would say it doesn't.

Kevin Palmieri 7:49

I don't think it does, I don't know, maybe I don't know. I think I have high emotional intelligence, which I think helps. I would say one of the factors in a successful relationship is emotional intelligence.

Alan Lazaros 8:01

Would you say that you feel like getting along with people is pretty easy for you?

Kevin Palmieri 8:07

Getting along with the right people, yeah.

Alan Lazaros 8:18

I always do the disclaimer. I'm an engineer. I feel like relationships have been 99 of my challenge in life.

Kevin Palmieri 8:21

Well, I think that's a good perspective, because I guess I could you could say the same thing about fitness. Right, it's like. It's like we all know what to do for fitness but some of us don't. The stuff is out there, but taking it from something that you just learned to something that you're practicing, I told again I know this sounds arrogant, I don't mean it that way, but I told Taryn, I've told all my partners I want your friends to be jealous, not of anything other than the way I treat you. I want your friends to say, wow, I really wish my partner would treat me like that. That's my goal. That's what I'm playing for when I say I don't want an average relationship. I don't mean it in a way of. I mean more, the 100% that I put in. I want to make sure I'm being a good partner and I've always thought that Since the very beginning of time, not the very beginning of time, teenage Kev, that was my thought process.

Kevin Palmieri 9:20

I was trying to be a really, really good partner Because I never saw what good partnership was. My mom I didn't have my dad. My mom never dated anybody. I never saw what love was was my mom. I didn't have my dad. My mom never dated anybody. I never saw what love was, ever Never had any idea what that was. And then I would see the friends of the families, of the friends that I had, and I was always like something's astray here. Yeah, for sure, man, something is astray here.

Alan Lazaros 9:46

Yeah, you guys don't even like each other nevermind love each other.

Alan Lazaros 9:54

I don stray here. Yeah, you guys don't even like each other, never mind love each other. I don't, I don't know. Let's have a real conversation about that. That's, that's good stuff right there. What about it?

Alan Lazaros 9:58

Growing up, I I always playfully refer to where I grew up as the boulevard of broken dreams, and for anyone who's listening, who might be from where kevin and I grew up, I'm playful with it, but particularly my street. It just seemed like this I was talking about this recently. We'll get back to the proactive thoughtfulness in a sec. It seemed like no one was fulfilled. Everybody hated their job, Everybody waited for the weekends.

Alan Lazaros 10:24

There were no happy marriages, not none. There was one that I could think of growing up, one happy marriage that really looked like something great. It seemed like they had a great relationship, but only one. Most of them. It was like you guys don't even like each other, nevermind love each other.

Alan Lazaros 10:38

So I was very scared of marriage and I remember when I was in high school I've said this before people would come to me and say these are the best years of your life, and I remember thinking that's the worst, that's terrible. If that's true, this is awful. My goodness, I hope not, and it turns out, that's not true at all. If you get better, your life most likely will get better as well. Not always, but yeah, it's pretty comparable. If you keep getting better and better and better and you improve as a partner, you'll probably have a better relationship. You improve as a business owner you'll probably have a better business. You improve in fitness you'll probably have a better body. Like that is correlated. And growing up, I saw miserable relationships and I saw miserable people and very few human beings seemed like they were living meaningful, passionate lives of goals and contribution and growth and dreams, and I think that that's one of the reasons you and I vibe so well is because we wanted to do it different.

Alan Lazaros 11:35

Hello, hello, hello. Nlu listener. Thank you, as always, for listening to Next Level University. Real quick. I just want to jump in and let you know about the Next Level Dreamliner. This is a journal that I use every single day. Achieve your dreams 90 days at a time. It breaks down your dreams into goals, milestones and daily habits. We hope you enjoy it. The link will be in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri 12:01

There wasn't a lot of role model relationships, that is for certain. Some of the closest I remember I used to be really close with this family Was there any proactive thoughtfulness going on? Absolutely not.

Alan Lazaros 12:15

No, no they were, they were family, friends and they were just.

Kevin Palmieri 12:21

They were always yelling at each other and screaming at each other and it was funny as a kid because you thought they were having fun with it. But I don't think they were having fun with it and they ended up not staying together, Understandably. So, Right, I guess it makes sense. But yeah, no, there wasn't any modeling. I didn't have anything to follow. I never saw, I didn't really ever felt like I didn't. I don't think I ever felt like I really saw a home that was filled with that type of love, a relationship. Love Never knew, but that's always been the goal I've always wanted to. I remember in middle school I dated a girl named Jen. You'll know Jen and you ever heard of Web TV.

Alan Lazaros 13:12

I had a typewriter.

Kevin Palmieri 13:13

We had an electronic typewriter at this point. There was this thing called Web TV, where you hooked up a keyboard.

Kevin Palmieri 13:21

I used to go home from school and I would make her little love cards and my mom and grandmother would watch me do it and I would give her these love cards Because I was like I'm going to treat you right, girl. And my mom and grandmother would watch me do it and I would give her these love cards Because I was like I'm going to treat you right, girl, I'm going to treat you right Web TV action. You know, I remember I got her a teddy bear. That was what it was about. That was always it. I always wanted to make sure I was treating the person right, so that for me I feel really good. I feel really good sending that message to taryn in the middle of the day now. Hey, babe, thinking about you, or?

Alan Lazaros 13:51

whatever, whatever. Unfortunately in in middle school and high school the treating them right doesn't always work.

Kevin Palmieri 13:57

I mean it didn't work for me you end up friend zoned or whatever right I got nexted often but.

Alan Lazaros 14:03

I always.

Kevin Palmieri 14:04

I always aspired to that. My, this is my mark, this is my mark of and again am I saying everybody out there that I've ever dated in my entire life would have nothing but positive things to say. No, but the way people talk about you when they leave your life is an indication of who you are as a person, and obviously they have to be somebody you can trust and they have to be, because if somebody hates you, they they'll find something negative. But one of the things that I have taken pride in is I would say 99% of the people that I have dated I've talked to after we've dated and it's been a positive interaction and I feel like that's really good. That's a good suggestion.

Alan Lazaros 14:49

It needs to be 100% huh, it's not 100% because I made a mistake.

Kevin Palmieri 14:53

No, I've made mistakes. I've made mistakes, you know, and unfortunately sometimes people don't. The mistake breaks the thing and then that becomes the last time you ever talk to that person, unfortunately.

Alan Lazaros 15:06

But that's real life sometimes I think relationships, friendships, intimate relationships especially I think all of them are actually, if you have the right person, I do think it can feel natural. I really do. It does feel really natural with emilia and I, but the moment that I start thinking it's easy, I might lose my humility and then stop being proactive and not tracking the habits. I mean you, you do gratitudes every night. You're tracking proactive thoughtfulness. A lot of people listening Kev are sitting there going the amount of effort that, kev, I mean I'll just say this you put a lot of effort into your relationship. I try, I try my best, a lot, a lot more than most men and every person listening knows that and not a lot of people are like that and, as a matter of fact, that's the minority. So no, I don't think relationships are easy.

Kevin Palmieri 15:57

I don't think they ever have been or ever will be. Do you think the recipe for a successful relationship is easy? I think that's what I mean. It probably doesn't take as many things as maybe we think, but if you do like five things really consistently.

Alan Lazaros 16:14

We're doing a Relationship Talks event soon called our five relationship game changers. One of them is gratitudes, but I do agree that if you were to do five things consistently and improve those things and then adapt and evolve along the way, yeah, but same with fitness Sleep, training, mobility it is simple. I think maybe that's what you're going for, is it's simple, but it's not easy. Fitness is simple, super simple, and, yeah, there's complexities. Hormones I get like this is the duality. I want to share this quickly. Everything in life is both complex and simple. It took me seven years of studying the fitness industry and fitness to get to the point where I understood the simple fundamentals that actually matter At the beginning of every journey, so even in relationships. Yeah, I agree with you, it's simple, but that's only because you and I spent a really long time and a lot of time having conversations. Okay, trust, effective communication, courage, humility, vulnerability, consistent gratitudes, proactive thoughtfulness, understanding, love, languages I mean, dude. Yeah, it seems simple now.

Kevin Palmieri 17:29

No, it's fair.

Alan Lazaros 17:29

But that's because we have all the tools in our tool belt that we've studied over and accumulated over the years. So, yeah, I would say it's extremely. You have to understand the simple fundamentals and then do them consistently. However, it can take a lifetime to really understand the complexities of those simple fundamentals.

Kevin Palmieri 17:43

I appreciate the reframe. I appreciate the reframe.

Alan Lazaros 17:46

Absolutely.

Kevin Palmieri 17:46

Well, today, excuse me, today's thing is one thing you can practice now. If you have a partner and you're tracking habits whether it's with another app or you're set up with alan's stuff or our stuff, but through alan's coaching this is one that I feel like you want to talk about the best bang for your buck. It takes one minute to write a text, and I've just noticed that I've been more intentional, Even though we talked recently about the fact that when I feel constricted, I tend to say no first and then I try to get to yes. Lately, I've just been starting with yes, so Taryn will ask for something and I just say yes and then figure out can I actually do that? Am I going to be able to? Is that even possible for me to be able to do that? Like, hey, do you mind helping me take this to my car? Yes, what time works best?

Alan Lazaros 18:38

Yes, I don't mind. Hey, do you mind helping me take this to, would you?

Kevin Palmieri 18:44

thank you, yes, I do mind Would you help me take this heavy thing to my car? Yes, what time works best? Nice, this time I can't do that time because I'm on a call. What else do we have? How can we?

Alan Lazaros 18:54

be fun. Zero to ten. How much time and effort have you put into making your relationship work and flourish?

Kevin Palmieri 19:02

It's hard because it's a sliding scale, because obviously it's not 12 hours a day like this. Right, I'm very conscious. A lot of it's just conscious. I'm always thinking about it. It's always there, yeah, so I don't know.

Alan Lazaros 19:20

Probably eight out of ten yeah, right that'd be eight out of ten, emily and I. We have a podcast called the conscious couples podcast. I know many of the listeners know that that whole podcast is I. We've done 142 episodes.

Alan Lazaros 19:33

That's like me coming to you and saying podcasting's pretty simple, yes and you can listen to all 130 episodes of the Podcast Growth University and still only know a fraction of a fraction of what is possible for you. And so I think, and even PGU, I'm sure it's the fundamentals, over and over and over again and maybe some nuances about them and stuff like that.

Kevin Palmieri 19:54

Well, if you listened yeah, no, you've never personally listened and I can tell it's showing. What do you mean? I can tell you know what I talk about over there at PGU Unreal, you've been complimenting conscious couples. Never, once have I ever, no, I have, no, I have, no, I have. I do not listen often. No, look, I got to start with NLU Brother. I'm kidding, I know, I know, I know, but trust me, I'd like to listen to all the podcasts.

Alan Lazaros 20:20

I don't even listen to this one. I have one of my clients listening to Conscious Couples podcast and NLU every single day because he's catching up on so conscious couples only once a week but he has a lot to catch up on, so shout out, it's a lot of that's a lot of Alan.

Kevin Palmieri 20:33

That is maybe too much Alan.

Alan Lazaros 20:36

I don't know if there is such thing.

Kevin Palmieri 20:37

But if there is such thing, that is that such thing. It's a lot of Alan. It's a lot of Alan. That would be. That would be my takeaway for today's episode. I think when it comes Relationships, specificity matters a ton, and if you know love languages, you know what a proactive, thoughtful thing means to your partner. You know exactly what things to deploy. You're going to have a more successful relationship, and then it's just up to you. That's the other piece. You've got to be the person to do it consistently. If the person you're with has to remind you for proactive thoughtfulness, it's not proactive, that is reactive thoughtfulness Still good, but probably not as good as proactive thoughtfulness. You can hit the curb and then turn the wheel. It's better if you don't hit the curb in the first place. I've learned All right. What's your quick takeaway?

Alan Lazaros 21:27

12-second takeaway Understand your partner, learn them every day and really listen to the distinctions of what matters to them a lot Like Emilia it was. It was a 10 out of 10 for her, with just that simple plugging in the little teapot. The little things go a long way and when you get feedback from your partner, you can hone in on the things that matter a lot, because you might be putting a lot of time and effort into things that don't matter. I've done that a lot in the past. Same.

Outro

Kevin Palmieri 21:51

All right. Next Level Nation if you are in a relationship and you are looking to level up your relationship, alan and Emilia do relationship coaching, relationship talks coaching is what it's called, so you can reach out to Alan for that. And if you are not in Next Level Nation and you of amazing humans who are getting to the next level of their life, we'll have the link in the show notes. We would love to have you. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan Lazaros 22:19

Stay proactive. Next Level Nation.

Kevin Palmieri 22:23

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level University.

Alan Lazaros 22:29

We love connecting with the Next Level family. We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri 22:38

Thank, you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.