What Are You Running From? (1894)

Are you running from failure, fear of rejection, or the belief that you’re not enough? In this Freestyle Friday episode, Kevin and Alan explore the struggles we all face and share how to uncover what’s holding you back. They dive into honest conversations about vulnerability, self-doubt, and embracing growth—even when it feels uncomfortable. From the importance of asking tough questions to redefining what it means to “fail,” this episode is packed with relatable insights and actionable advice to help you step into your next level.

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Show notes:
(2:48) The power of asking
(4:52) The common fears
(6:19) How limiting beliefs shape behavior and self-perception
(10:14) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching. https://bit.ly/3Up1FkG
(18:17) Turning failure into a learning opportunity
(20:21) Juggling authenticity and personal growth in relationships
(21:33) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri 0:00

If you're somebody up there who right now is struggling with self-belief, honestly assume you're going to do terrible and if you do better it'll be a little win Again. Expectations are dangerous. They're very, very dangerous Because if they stop you from trying in the first place, in the first place.

Alan Lazaros 0:29

If you and I were to sit down and have a real conversation about what it's going to take for you to achieve your goals and dreams, you are going to feel a little bit like why don't, why didn't I?

Kevin Palmieri 0:35

know that. Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri.

Alan Lazaros 0:41

And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.

Kevin Palmieri 0:44

At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros 0:50

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri 0:57

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros 1:13

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Kevin Palmieri 1:19

Welcome to Next Level University. Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation, welcome back to another episode of Next Level University where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1,894, it's Freestyle Friday. So, as you know or maybe you don't if you're a new listener, a new family member to NLU, on Fridays we don't really have a topic in mind, we just kind of freestyle and sometimes we go all over the place and we'll talk about my Little Toe and Candy Corn and various other things. I'm sure that was probably on a Freestyle Friday. So today, this was my thought. We did an episode yesterday, 1893.

Kevin Palmieri 2:03

Are you asking yourself the wrong questions? I was on with a client the other day and this is the client who. I said you're the weirdest client ever. We don't talk about podcasting, we just talk about life and business and internal stuff. And it was the best. And I said can I ask you a weird question? And she said yes, of course we love weird. I said I know we love weird. I said I know we love weird. I said purely intuitive, don't think too much about this, no ego involved, just answer the question. She said yep, of course I said what are you running from, what are you running from? And she is, she is so aware she sits with it. She's like okay, so let me quiet the noise. It she's like okay, let me quiet the noise.

Kevin Palmieri 2:48

And I think she said responsibility, I'm running from responsibility. She's very honest. She said Kev, I don't want to work during the holidays. I love the holidays. I want to spend time with my family. I want to. And I said we're not in a financial position where we can do that. That's not where we're at right. Same same, right Same. I want to do that.

Kevin Palmieri 3:09

I love Christmas. I don't feel that way at all. Well, you're a weird person, so don't put your bullshit on me, okay. Leaning into weird, the second, that Christmas tree goes up. If I could stay in my pajamas all day, every day, for the next 25 days, woo, baby, be the happiest version of Kev. Not really, but it would be awesome. I have some fond memories of Christmas.

Kevin Palmieri 3:31

I loved Christmas as a young boy, but I think that question what are you running from is one of the most powerful questions. I wanted to do an episode on just that question because I yeah, we could have done it in yesterday's episode. But if you can sit down, okay, imagine this. Imagine you and your partner are struggling a little bit and every time you bring something up, your partner kind of stonewalls you and you don't get anywhere. And you got to the place where you could sit down, your partner and say hey, babe, I have a question for you, strange question, please sit with it. It might trigger you, but please sit with it.

The common fears

Kevin Palmieri 4:11

Let's have a real talk about this. What are you running from? I'm willing to bet the answers you would get if you could actually work through the ego and the fear and the scarcity and the triggeredness I can imagine the answers you would get would be unbelievable. Probably one would be I'm running from looking like a coward. How many times, alan, I'll answer too, but how many times in relationships have you run from looking like a coward? How many times? Maybe in communication? Maybe in asking a question? Maybe in giving an answer? Maybe in bringing up something that was bothering you? Mine, it's high for sure.

Alan Lazaros 4:52

I'm not fearful of looking like a coward. I am a coward, but I'm not afraid to look like one.

Kevin Palmieri 4:58

Okay, which is a huge problem. What would you be running from then? Abandonment, abandonment. How so? What does that look like?

Alan Lazaros 5:10

I think there's three main things each of us are running from. Some of us are running from all three. Some of us are running from one big one.

Kevin Palmieri 5:17

One of them is abandonment.

Alan Lazaros 5:19

That's the unlovable way. That one's mine. One of them is looking like a failure. You can't stand taking credit hits.

Kevin Palmieri 5:28

Hate it I don't care at all to whatever, to a fault, to a fault. But I cared on the other end. To a fault, to a fault yeah.

Alan Lazaros 5:38

so most people, statistically, I believe, even right now I'm like oh, are we gonna lose listeners if I say this statistically, most people I believe are are running from looking less than Appearing, less than appearing, worse than appearing, not good enough, appearing like a failure. Looking like a failure is most people's deep fear.

How limiting beliefs shape behavior and self-perception

Kevin Palmieri 6:02

Let me ask you a question Do you think that? So I am in this category. So when I say most people, I'm most people. The reason most people are afraid to look like a failure is because when they look like a failure, they feel like a failure, and that reinforces the belief that they already have about themselves. Yes, 100%.

Alan Lazaros 6:19

So okay, same it's. The core wound is I feel like I'm not good enough, and when I look not good enough, it proves my deepest fear, which feels terrible, and it's all shame-based. The people who feel not good enough are ashamed that they feel not good enough and they don't want other people to know that they feel not good enough because they, around other people, are basically portraying a version of them that does feel good enough, and that's. This is the human condition. We all have one main, deepest fear. Cbt cognitive behavioral therapy talks about your.

Alan Lazaros 6:53

Everyone has many limiting beliefs. We all have tons of limiting beliefs, but we all have one like identity level, self-concept limiting belief. So your limiting belief in the past was I'm not smart enough, i'm'm not good enough and anything. Anytime you look dumb. The Fire Academy is the best example. Is you never asked a question in the Fire Academy because you didn't want to look dumb, which perpetuated you actually being dumb when it came to the exam? Because you didn't. I ask so many dumb questions. I always look like an idiot, it turns out.

Alan Lazaros 7:33

That is not good, apparently on one end, I was not good amongst peers, yeah, I was just on a podcast about with a certified financial planner and I I asked him the one little narrow area that he knows better than me. We were talking about dollar cost averaging and rolling that up to a Riemann sum, which I Riemann sum. I learned a long time ago in mathematics but, I, didn't remember.

Alan Lazaros 8:00

He's, like, you know, riemann sum integral and I was like I think so, but go ahead. And I just picked his brain Seriously for 20 extra minutes. This dude makes 400 bucks an hour helping people in finance. I picked his brain Seriously for 20 extra minutes. This dude makes 400 bucks an hour helping people in finance. I picked his brain for 20 minutes. I left with the gold baby but, however, I also left with him thinking he's smarter than me, which is definitely not true. But I got smarter.

Alan Lazaros 8:21

So you can either get smarter or look smarter. I'm finding the one thing that Kevin knows more than I do and learning about that. That doesn't mean Kevin's smarter, but if anyone was looking in on that, they might think the majority of the population would think that Kevin's smarter in that instance, when in reality I'm just trying to cherry pick the one thing I don't know. But okay, so these are all self-fulfilling prophecies I'm afraid to look dumb. Therefore, I don't ask any. Therefore, I end up dumb, which makes me feel even more ashamed of feeling dumb. And again, dumb's the wrong word, but you guys know what I'm saying. So even that's me afraid. Oh, people are going to be offended Like, apparently, dumb's a bad word, whatever, right.

Kevin Palmieri 9:01

I don't have any insecurity around being dumb, so I don't. Yeah Right, it's it. It doesn't feel good necessarily to think of yourself as dumb.

Alan Lazaros 9:08

Again.

Kevin Palmieri 9:10

I still have fear of not being smart enough, so I understand. Well, that's why.

Alan Lazaros 9:13

I look so uncompassionate because I've never really felt dumb, so I don't know how to empathize with that because I've never personally experienced it. So then I seem unempathetic and then people don't like me and then that gets me abandoned. So here's mine and I'll give my limiting belief. My limiting belief is that people don't like me and that I'm not lovable as who I really am. So what I do is I dim who I really am to try to fit in, which creates relationships that are not sustainable, which then creates abandonment. So because eventually that comes out, I mean in the beginning of you and i's relationship I would definitely dumb myself down, kevin would puff up a little bit in terms of intellectual, and then eventually that has to snap, because eventually I'm going to say Kev, you do know that I kind of know better than you. And then he's like, oh, you do, and then luckily we're vulnerable and mature enough to handle that. But we've had some tough moments and I don't. I try really hard not to do that anymore.

Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching.

Kevin Palmieri 10:13

But for me, vulnerability is being more than, not less than, next level nation. What is happening? If you've thought to yourself I want to try coaching, but you don't really know where to start, group coaching would be a wonderful place for you. That's really why we created it in the first place. We start a new round every 90 days. So if you're hearing this, go to the website nextleveluniversecom and we have the landing page where you can actually hold your spot right now. Even if there's a group going on right now, you can still lock your spot for the next one. The biggest thing that we've seen is, as we get closer and closer to the date, unfortunately, some people end up missing. The group fills up and they can't do it, and then they end up regretting that. So please head over to the website. The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there.

Kevin Palmieri 10:58

Let me ask you a question. I'm excited to ask this question. This could be the best question in the history of questions. Very humble of me to say that. No, okay, I don't even know how to ask the question. It's so good. Such a valuable question, the kid doesn't even know how to ask it. It's like, how do I put these golden words in the right?

Alan Lazaros 11:17

order okay.

Kevin Palmieri 11:20

When does it cross over from I don't really care that this person doesn't like me because they're not my type of person to if this person did leave, I'd feel abandoned. What's the threshold?

Alan Lazaros 11:32

I don't, uh, I don't. There are certain triggers for your core wound and so, for example, I had a client who literally uh, shout out to this person if you're listening, she made 35 000, she achieved all of her Q4 goals in what a month. And she said I'm going to take a break from the coaching which broke my brain. And she's like but don't worry, I'm still coming today, I want to celebrate with you. And she started the call with all the wins and how amazing it is. And she's like what's the matter? And I'm sitting there and I'm being very vulnerable and honest and I'm just, I just, I would prefer I just sucked as a coach, like we just achieved everything you wanted, and why would you? So?

Alan Lazaros 12:24

The point is it triggers abandonment a little bit, not a lot, a little bit. And I'm just sitting there going how do I get better from this? I can't get better from this. You just achieved everything. And I think deep down what really happens and again, this past client might actually be listening to this, but this is my thesis. I could be wrong, but this is my thesis. When people get success, it's way outside their comfort zone. This is a lot. She's overwhelmed and she admitted that it's like you got to start cutting something off yeah why not cut the thing that's?

Alan Lazaros 13:02

I think what she knows intuitively is I'm just going to keep pushing like we're going to keep going. We're not done climbing, let's rock and roll. Imagine what else can you do, what else can you do? And kev, you've told me, like that's, some people don't want, they want, they need a minute to coast for a while. So maybe she will come back, maybe she won't. The point is is, I don't think, the core wound. You're never gonna not be afraid to look stupid. You'll just be less afraid than you used to be and when you do get triggered, afraid than you used to be, and when you do get triggered, you'll notice it and sit in it. One of the reasons I'm so different, uh, is just because, statistically, more people have your limiting belief than mine, statistically yeah, it's tough.

Kevin Palmieri 13:44

it's tough because it's also it's hard to empathize. I don't want to say it's hard to empathize. I empathize with you a ton for sure, to the level I can. I'm not really afraid of abandonment, even though I was abandoned. It's like I don't really. It's weird Like you want to leave. Leave Whatever. I'm going to go, do my thing. See you at the top, that's what I care about. I do care when people leave, but for me it's more, unless I'm convinced you're the reason I'm going to be successful.

Alan Lazaros 14:16

Well, that's exactly it. Your deepest concern is not being successful. That's not my concern at all. Yeah, yeah.

Kevin Palmieri 14:21

So if you tried to leave, I'd get my freaking hooks in you so deep you can't leave me baby, that's actually so.

Alan Lazaros 14:27

This is really wildly uncomfortable, but also very important for everyone watching or listening. Typically, the people with your limiting belief actually trigger people like me, and I trigger you Because I don't mean to make you feel dumb. You don't make me feel dumb. Okay, let's use a better label.

Kevin Palmieri 14:49

For some reason, dumb's a bad word, okay you challenge I've definitely challenged your intellect, your intelligence you challenge the inner dialogue of how intelligent I think I am so emilia said this.

Alan Lazaros 15:00

She said alan, whenever you're around people, they you see that they're struggling with their core wound. She said imagine little Alan on the basketball court. For some reason I was always better than most people at most things, and that is so uncomfortable to share. The old me never could have shared that I, when I was a kid, I was always the best at James Bond. I was always the best at super smash brothers. I was always the best at basketball. I was always the best at most of the things that I did, and I never understood why. I didn't understand. And she said imagine little Alan on the basketball court.

Alan Lazaros 15:36

I remember playing with adults and they weren't letting me win. I was just better than them at it and I also worked really hard behind the scenes and I, you know, shot shots till 2am under the floodlight. I wouldn't let myself leave the court until I hit 10 in a row, which is hard to do when some of them are three pointers. Whatever Halo, whatever video game, you name it, I always was. I always felt very competent.

Alan Lazaros 15:59

And so what she says is when you're playing a board game and you know you're going to win, you notice that other people are other little boys and little girls are sitting there going why aren't I like that? How come I don't I'm not good at? Why didn't I do that? Why can't I win? And and you don't like to make people feel bad about themselves, but you always make people feel bad about themselves just by who you are, and it's not your fault and it really helped me a lot, because the truth is dude. If you and I were to sit down and have a real conversation about what it's going to take for you to achieve your goals and dreams, you are going to feel a little bit like why didn't? I know that?

Alan Lazaros 16:44

I don't feel that way anymore at all, Not anymore. But you used to. Yeah for sure. There was someone who reached out to Kev early on and said I don't understand. Alan has a computer engineering bachelor's with high distinction and a master's in business.

Kevin Palmieri 16:59

How do you guys work?

Alan Lazaros 17:00

together. How do you guys work together? In the beginning I never thought like that because I never thought anything of that. I don't. Oh, you, I, I we've been working together for eight years.

Alan Lazaros 17:15

I forget that you're like, not that educated. That's good. You're extremely educated personally, but professionally I mean, dude, with all the love, not not a lot, right, and I don't think about that. Don't walk around. Oh, I'm so educated I'm. I actually don't think I'm that educated because I'm. I'm trying to be more educated. But when I look at the statistics, only 37.7 percent of the us it has a bachelor's degree, so that's only one third that have any higher education. And I looked that up and, oh, okay, so I'm like super educated, holy crap. But I don't walk around thinking I'm so smart and so we. We trigger each other's core wounds unintentionally. You think you're going to be on the basketball court with lebron james and not feel terrible about yourself. You're gonna go, wow, I suck. And if your limiting belief is thinking that you suck, it's going to really hurt. And if someone's a good person, they'll notice that and then they'll dim. And that's why someone like a LeBron James is usually very humble unless he's on the basketball court.

Kevin Palmieri 18:17

Well, I think it's easier as you start to build confidence. I think it's easy just to go in understanding that you're not going to be good. I think that's one of the things. If you're somebody out there who right now is struggling with self-belief, honestly assume you're going to do terrible and if you do better it'll be a little win Again. Expectations are dangerous. Expectations they're very, very dangerous, because if they stop you from trying in the first place, so even that I would never expect.

Kevin Palmieri 18:49

I've been in the ring with professional fighters. I knew what was going to happen. I've grappled with people who are top in the country, top 1% in the country, and I got destroyed. I knew that was going to happen, but I think that's just because of the awareness of that's what's supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to win this, I'm not supposed to necessarily. Here's my thing. And then we got to go because we both have calls after this.

Kevin Palmieri 19:19

There is a way to feel good about losing. If you go into it with a thought that you're probably going to lose, but you're okay with it and there's a lot of growth there. It doesn't mean you're bad if you go do something and lose If you know you're going to lose. If you don't expect to win, you just go in and say this is going to be an experience. I'm not going to leave with a trophy and that's okay. I'm not going for the trophy, I'm going for the experience. I'm not going for the trophy, I'm going for the experience. I'm going to get in the arena, I'm going to dip my toe in.

Kevin Palmieri 19:51

I never grappled a black belt thinking I was going to win. I grappled a black belt thinking I'm going to learn. I'm going to build hopefully I'll build some respect in their mind and I'm going to try to last as long as I can. And that was it. And if anything went well, it was a pleasant surprise. Okay, oh wait, that person asked me how I did that. He knows probably right, he must know. Maybe he's just maybe just pumping my tires, but tire pump accepted.

Juggling authenticity and personal growth in relationships

Alan Lazaros 20:15

So that's my two cents last piece, awesome episode, very uncomfortable but good, gotta get our comfort zone. The. The core fear, I think of some of us this one isn't mine, but Kev identifies as this is, uh, being seen as less than and that sometimes running from that, what are you running from? To go back to the original part of the episode that and we got to go. Second one is fear of sucking at relationships. So I always felt good at things. I never felt good at relationships, and that makes sense if most people fear not being good at things or whatever. And then the last one, I think it's it's something about non-being, not being desired, not being wanted for who you really are, something like that. And and I don't know, I don't understand that one that much anymore. But I think the two main ones you said this this is Kevin's quote you are either afraid that all of you is not enough or you're afraid that all of you is too much. Kevin was the first one, I was the second one. We're both learning how to be ourselves.

Outro

Kevin Palmieri 21:21

Little by little, day after day. It is a challenge for sure, especially doing it in the public eye, but challenge accepted, okay, if you are looking to get to the next level every single day, make sure you are subscribed so you never miss an opportunity to do so. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and NLU. We don't have fans, we have family. We'll talk to you all tomorrow. Please reach out. Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros 21:51

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri 21:59

Thank you.