Next Level University

How To Effectively Have A Disagreement (1895)

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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In today’s episode of Next Level University, Kevin and Alan discuss their experiences with conflict and share powerful insights for handling disagreements constructively. They emphasize the importance of humility, courage, and emotional regulation in maintaining harmony while pursuing shared goals. Tune in to learn how to navigate challenging conversations with grace and find better solutions that honor everyone involved.

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Show notes:
(4:50) The spectrum of conflict in relationships
(8:41) Tough arguments and lessons learned
(17:06) The “optimal stopping problem” in decision-making
(18:11) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching. https://bit.ly/3Up1FkG
(22:27) Why “same team” is essential in relationships and business
(26:14) Self-worth in relationship dynamics
(34:27) The pillars of healthy conflict
(36:19) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Kevin Palmieri

will we go above our normal energetic set point for a little bit? Very possible. But we will do our own inner work in real time to make sure that we both de-escalate the situation. But you can't de-escalate the situation together until you practice de-escalating it on your own.

Alan Lazaros

If you're aiming at the highest possible good, you always are looking for the better solution. There's a better way. There may not be a right and a wrong way, but there is a better way. And if you hold that belief which you and I obviously do, even before, we knew that and that's why sometimes they'll say just trust me, because you can't explain how you know what you know, and I'll say the same thing. That's what I did earlier. It's like you got to trust me.

Kevin Palmieri

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri.

Alan Lazaros

And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus. At NLU we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers. Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health and wealth, and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Kevin Palmieri

Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Alan was taking a big drink of his drink and I wanted to make him laugh and spit it all over the place. I'm in a very goofy mood. We'll get into that.

Alan Lazaros

Next Love.

Kevin Palmieri

University. We help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Let me finish the freaking intro Today for episode number 1,895, it's appropriate. Today we're going to talk about how to effectively have a disagreement. I don't mean that in a condescending way of you don't know how to have a disagreement. I'm not saying that I have been working with this chungus, across the screen from me, for the last we started in. I don't know when did we start working together? Do you remember I disagree? You can, You're entitled to that?

Alan Lazaros

I don't know.

Kevin Palmieri

We'll say 2018.

Alan Lazaros

No 2017.

Kevin Palmieri

I know, but we weren't working together like we're working together now yeah, we were.

Alan Lazaros

We were doing the conversations. Change lives meets hyperconscious podcast the longest and worst podcast title in history. I'm proud of that, you're proud of that so it's been seven and a half years.

Kevin Palmieri

We'll round up, we'll call it eight, eight years. Okay, I've been working with you for eight years. How many disagreements have we had over the last eight years? None.

Alan Lazaros

I'm in a giggly mood too. I'm kidding.

Kevin Palmieri

We had one today. We had one not seven hours ago.

Alan Lazaros

Kev texted me hey man, I'm going to try this thing and I'm like, oh no not again.

Kevin Palmieri

He said hard no, yeah, I shouldn't have said that I get a little fired up. I did. I got a little fired up when he said that I shouldn't have said hard no. That's going to be a hard no.

Alan Lazaros

Kev. I didn't say it like that. I didn't say it like that.

Kevin Palmieri

Take a look's, take a little, look real quick, all right, you narrate, you do it. I sent him a message. He said gotta be a hard no on that.

Alan Lazaros

I know, you know that. That's what he said have to standardize on blank.

Kevin Palmieri

Yeah, it's gotta be a hard. No, I know, you know that.

Alan Lazaros

And then I went into the reasons.

Kevin Palmieri

Yeah, you did, you did you know, but I can't say it because I don't want to reveal anything. But I think you and I yeah, we are in a giggly mood because it's late and it's been a long day we're batching.

Alan Lazaros

That is worse than I thought. Yeah, yeah, I got triggered, for sure.

Kevin Palmieri

Yeah, it must. Cain Bird ready to come back, let's say well then you're going to have to create the freaking thing Yourself. You better create it because I don't know what.

Alan Lazaros

I'm doing, you and I have had I think we've had many disagreements, not serious right.

Kevin Palmieri

I have an idea. There's only been one that was really bad.

Alan Lazaros

Yes, that was it?

Kevin Palmieri

I was in a book and Alan wasn't in a book and we had an art, was that?

Alan Lazaros

the one. No, I was thinking of uh, the dream ladder in florida. Oh yeah, that was a tough one too, florida. Yeah, before we went and did yoga or oh yeah, that was a bad one.

Kevin Palmieri

That was a bad one that one was the worst I would say I would say that one was the worst, yeah so to provide some context to anyone who wasn't there. Which is none of you. Which is None of you were there.

Alan Lazaros

What is the common denominator of all of the we have handled? I coach relationships with Emilia. I've been doing it for four years. It is not the relationships that don't have conflict that I would bet on anymore. It's the relationships that handle conflict in a healthy way that I would bet on. The relationships that have no conflict whatsoever, I wouldn't bet on them.

Alan Lazaros

There's, there's a spectrum. Okay, so on one far left, my left hand, it's late. Far left left hand, it's people who they have tons of conflict all the time. They fight constantly and it's a roller coaster. Okay, on the far right are people who have no conflict ever whatsoever. The people on the far left and again this is an over generalization tend to have a roller coaster of a relationship, but there's a lot of polarity, so there's usually a lot of sexual passion. On the far right, they're best friends, they never fight, but there's there's a lot of polarity, so there's usually a lot of sexual passion. On the far right, they're best friends and they never fight, but there's usually not a lot of sexual intimacy.

Alan Lazaros

From what I've observed, what I hope everyone has or aspires to is somewhere in the middle, where you handle conflict and polarity in a way that is healthy and constructive, to where you maintain your uniqueness and therefore have polarity and passion. Because if you become the same person, we've all met those individuals who get in a relationship and they just become each other and they lose the passion, the polarity, and you can study this. This is not a me thing, this is a thing, and so how are we handling conflict in a constructive way? I would bet on the couple or the business partnership. That is unique and they have complementary skill sets, but they have similar core values, core aspirations and core beliefs.

Kevin Palmieri

Kev. What exactly are you laughing at? All I could think of that whole time was how do you think our sex life has been recently?

Alan Lazaros

That's all I could think of when you were talking about it, kev, I'm going to need you to get it together. It is funny, though.

Kevin Palmieri

It's 7-12. And again, I know we're not saying this we're very privileged in the fact that we get to do this and I'm having a blast. There is a little part of me that loves being giggly and tired at the end of the day and recording episodes, because it's always so fun.

Alan Lazaros

You've been up since 6, so when did you lose it?

Kevin Palmieri

Right, when I logged on here, Alan was running a little behind because he had to let the pets out and I texted him and I said I got something for your ass. You better come correct. Wait, can I share what you really texted me? Yeah, you can share, Is that okay? Yeah, yeah.

Alan Lazaros

All right, I kid you not.

Kevin Palmieri

It was friendly, though, just remember.

Alan Lazaros

Yeah, of course, super friendly and for anyone who has children listening. Earmuffs, earmuffs, all right. He texted me today at six o'clock pm, six o'clock on the dot. I got something for your bitch ass and I said be right there, gotta take the pets out. And he said, oh, for fuck's sake. And I put a laughy face on it and again, we have fun, we have fun, we do have fun. I don't know what business partners talk like that to each other, so maybe we shouldn't be doing this episode, but no Go ahead.

Kevin Palmieri

I think we have something special and I think it's. I genuinely always want to get to the right answer. I don't have to be right, you don't have to be right. I think that really is one of the reasons why when Okay, today, I was frustrated with Alan and when Alan logged on, I was like man, sometimes it feels like we have to make our life harder now, even though it's already freaking hard, like why do we just always have to make it harder?

Kevin Palmieri

And he's like dude, I know, I know, I know it sucks. And I said but I understand. I said you're a pain in the ass right now. And I said but I also understand that I'm a pain in the ass to you right now too, because I want us to go in a direction and you want us to go in another direction and you're more optimal than I am, so I'm good with that. And then I moved about my day with that assumption and tried to figure out how to make that happen. But I think that's what we've always done is the biggest fight we've ever had. We were in Florida and we did an interview and we got out of the interview and I think, alan, I think you said something like I can't believe you were a little quiet in that interview or something. I think that's how it started.

Kevin Palmieri

Yeah, yeah yeah, like have you were a little quiet in that interview or something. I think that's how it started. Yeah, yeah, and I was like dude, I'm just trying to I'm trying not to lose the freaking room and you were like what do you mean? And I was like dude. You were like way over man, you were swearing a bunch, you were just broing out and I was trying to make sure that we stayed in a good place and he's like I don't think.

Kevin Palmieri

So, man, I think I swore less than you think. And I said I know you swore more than you think. And then we had an argument. We both bawled our eyes out on the ride over to do this freaking yoga. Like what are we doing here? So I'm just laying in a dark room on the other side of the room from Alan just thinking about how I hate him. Then, after we were like yeah, man, that was yeah, you're probably right.

Kevin Palmieri

Yeah, and then we drove to five. If you've heard us talk about the drive to five, it has, yeah, there's, it's everything, it's confidence, it's self-worth, it's two and it's essentially two ends of anything yeah, two extremes that are too extreme, that are not optimal. Yeah, I think we always try to meet in the middle. The middle's not always the middle, though.

Alan Lazaros

Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

Right, sometimes I'm at a one and Alan's at a seven, so I have to drive further to get to five. Alan's going to go down two. I've got to go up four, yeah, or three, whatever it was. I think that's, in this episode, my goal, and I said this to alan. I said I, I feel like you and I are really good at this. I think tara and I are really good at this. I'm sure you and emilia are really good at this definitely her better than me, for sure. I'd like to leave this episode with a couple tactics for anybody watching or listening, on how to improve your disagreements okay.

Alan Lazaros

First we have to discuss what an optimal stopping problem is, because I I told kev one time way back I said, dude, I'm I'm never fully, but I'm definitely not fully wrong. And what I mean by that is there's a percent error. And as I've matured over the years I am improving my percent error. And so, for example, when I say gravity is 9.8 meters per second squared, there's no error, that's exact, point. Eight meters per second squared, there's no error, that's exact. But in life, what direction we take in business is up for subjectivity. I don't know the exact right answer. I just believe that I'm more optimal than kev, meaning my choice has a higher statistical probability of success than his long term. But we won't know that until 10 years. So hopefully you have to trust me and I don't know what my brain is calculating sometimes, so I don't know how to explain it. So an optimal stopping problem, the?

Alan Lazaros

There's a book called algorithms to live by and I recommended it to Kev. Shout out to Tom. He recommended it to me. He's a physics guy and he's like you're going to love this book. It's a computer software, computer science approach to life. It was awesome, love it. Algorithms to live by. You can look it up, big fan. And it talks about how, when you're going to a concert, when do you park? The closer you get to the venue, the lower the probability is there's a spot. But you also want to minimize the amount that you have to walk, because then you're going to get stuck in traffic on the way out or whatever. So when do you park? And there's an actual mathematical equation that when you should park, and it's 34 or whatever, it's a whole algorithm, it's a formula. So I always say the optimal stopping problem. I think nachos is the best example. You put them in for a minute, the cheese isn't melted and they taste like shit. You put them in for two minutes, they're burnt and they taste terrible.

Alan Lazaros

You put them. The optimal stopping problem is a minute and a half. So perfect, cheese melted, love it fine dining over at the lazarus.

Kevin Palmieri

You know it, man, the air fryer.

Alan Lazaros

You you know you have to burn stuff to find the optimal amount of time depending on what you're cooking. We've been with fries, broccoli and chicken nuggets. What are we?

Kevin Palmieri

doing.

Alan Lazaros

You know it, man I love brock in the air fryer too. I'm not laughing about that.

Kevin Palmieri

I'm laughing about the, just the chicken nuggets. They're just the combination of the three you ever have impossible chicken nuggets?

Alan Lazaros

it's never. It's non meat chicken nuggets, they're bomb. You would never know. I'm all. I'm all for it.

Kevin Palmieri

I don't like micros I don't like chicken nuggets. I don't like chicken, any fake chicken, I'm not into it fair, okay so back to the point.

Alan Lazaros

There's a percent error. You put the nach and if you're off, they're going to be burnt or the cheese isn't going to be melted. That's what every decision in life is. And before I stress anyone out, what is the optimal length of a podcast episode? No one actually knows. You have to go based on the past. So when you get in a conflict with someone, it's a goal in conflict, it's a core value in conflict or it's a core belief in conflict. So Kev believes we should do X, I believe we should do Y, maybe we should do XY or YX, and that's really. As long as you're vulnerable and honest and humble in that process, you can almost always find a better solution. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Meaningvin has his perspective, I have my perspective and then hopefully we can come to a better conclusion together than we would without each other. And that's what a healthy rumble or a discord is remember, have you ever seen the outsiders?

Kevin Palmieri

didn't they have rumbles and the outsiders?

Alan Lazaros

yeah, with knives and such.

Kevin Palmieri

Yeah, yeah, yeah I think so the johnny boy, pony boy. Pony boy shout out to pony boy shout out what the hell did you think? Of that. Uh, rumble, you said rumble. Every time I hear rumble I think about that. That was like my. I think I did like books when I was younger and that was one of them, of course I I think I think of uh b Brown.

Alan Lazaros

She talks about rumble. Rumble is you have a vulnerable argument and then you get to a. That's exactly what she's talking about Handling conflict in a positive way and being a good, empathetic, vulnerable leader is critical to any success in a relationship or in business.

Kevin Palmieri

Well, I think humility you said humble I think humility is such an important piece of it because if you go into an argument, if you go into a disagreement, if you go into a conversation with the intention of being right and you hang on to that, if that's your anchor point, if your anchor point is I need to be right, it's most likely not going to be constructive.

The "optimal stopping problem" in decision-makin

Alan Lazaros

Well, no matter what the other person is going to feel unseen, undervalued, not appreciated my goal is never to be right. My goal is to figure out what is best for the listener, or what is best for the team or what is best for the. If you're aiming at the highest possible good, you always are looking for the better solution 's, a better way. There may not be a right and a wrong way, but there is a better way. And if you hold that belief, which you and I obviously do even before, we knew that. Yeah, and that's why sometimes you'll say just trust me, because you can't explain how you know what you know, and I'll say the same thing. That's what I did earlier is like you got to trust me on this and luckily I have enough of a track record where you can actually trust that.

Kevin Palmieri

Well, somebody asked christina asked me because I messaged. Christina said hey, can you help me with this? I'm trying to create something, can you help me? And she said can you give me context to why alan wants to do it this way? And I said it's just an alanism, it's one of those things he said he can't explain it. She's like all right, cool, thank you. I was like yep, that's that I appreciate it.

Alan Lazaros

I hopefully have built enough credibility to where that's the case, but what this is is using google sheets versus something else, and our entire app is built on glide, which is based google sheets, and so when we do create software to optimize individuals, businesses and teams in the future, it'll be because we built these tools are on our own yeah, which, well, context is important.

Kevin Palmieri

Yeah, what else? What do you think? What else? I don't want to talk. I don't want to make it all about us, but I think I do think you and I are good at this. Agreed, I want to own that because I we've had a lot of people and very successful people, very sexy people, no, very successful people tell us that having a business partner was dumb.

Kevin Palmieri

Next level nation. What is happening? If you've thought to yourself, I want to try coaching, but you don't really know where to start, group coaching would be a wonderful place for you. That's really why we created it in the first place. We start a new round every 90 days. So if you're hearing this, go to the website nextleveluniversecom and we have the landing page where you can actually hold your spot right now. Even if there's a group going on right now, you can still lock your spot for the next one. The biggest thing that we've seen is, as we get closer and closer to the date, unfortunately, some people end up missing. The group fills up and they can't do it, and then they end up regretting that. So please head over to the website. The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there.

Alan Lazaros

There's a company called Y Combinator. I applied. I had a company early on called Campus Libre. It was a campus-specific Craigslist for textbooks. I remember showing up to a Halloween party Kevin was a genie, a jacked genie with a muscle shirt and he said I don't know what Campus Libre is, but I like it. That was way back, that was a wild night, but anyways. So Campus Libre was. We had done very well in some business competitions, blah, blah, blah. It was a campus-specific Craigslist for textbooks and we applied to something called Y Combinator. Y Combinator is what's referred to as an incubator program, and an incubator program is essentially hey, we have capital and we have experience. It's like a shark tank, but less sharky. Yeah, less toxic, I'm kidding, less sharky At Y Combinator.

Alan Lazaros

My point is they actually don't invest in companies that don't have business partnerships because they believe that one leader, if they're not humble enough to work with other chief officers or co-founders, they don't believe that the company will succeed. Because I think and I never really understood this, but I'm telling you, some of the most humble people you know don't seem humble on the outside, so, but you can't really be super successful without humility. It's like this. I mean, you can, but in very narrow areas and in a company you really do have to.

Alan Lazaros

I showed up to a meeting with our director of next level podcast solutions this week and I remember thinking before the meeting, I'm just going to show up with questions. I'm not going to show up and oh, here's what we need to do. I'm going to show up and ask how it's going and why it's going that way and what do you think needs to change. I mean, the whole time was basically me asking questions and I'm just gathering data and then, once I get the data and I get her perspective, now I get your perspective, now I can synthesize that and then figure out where I think we need to go. And so if you ever and this is what I say if I ever have to play the ceo card, that's when you should take it away interesting.

Kevin Palmieri

I've never heard you say that once I don't say certain things I'm afraid to say um, I say that in my head you've been saving all this hot fire. I have said that on business podcasts. It's just not usually relevant here but I think leadership good for your business partner. No, you know, giving it to the people out there I have no idea, but isn't that fascinating.

Alan Lazaros

I've never said once imagine if I said oh, because I'm the ceo, that wouldn't. That means I shouldn't, that means I don't have a good reason, I'm what. Just because you're the guy like that's a terrible reason to go in that direction. That's, that's an thing to say.

Kevin Palmieri

Alright, what else? So humility, Trying to get same team? You and I are on the same team and we have the same core aspirations.

Kevin Palmieri

It does not matter what fuel we use to get there. It doesn't necessarily matter what route we take to get there. We want to get there and we want to make sure that we don't die on the way. So I think that's the core aspiration of getting to a place In a relationship. Taryn and I will say same team, same team, nice, same team. If something happens and something falls over in the fridge and it becomes a giant mess and it's a pain in the ass and we're cleaning the fridge on a Saturday again, it's far worse problems to have in the world. But yes, this sucks and yes, we're both going to be frustrated, but we're the same team, not the end of the world. We're going to be fine. I'll make it fun.

Alan Lazaros

I've never realized this. Sorry, it's been a long day and I have stuff in my throat. I never realized this until now, at least not consciously. You have to care about the vision more than the moment, but you have to care about the person more than the moment. So it's like you have to care about the vision more than the person, in a way but you have to care about the vision more than the person in a way.

Alan Lazaros

But you have to care about the person more than the conflict. So I tell emilia all the time I don't want to get to the top of this mountain, not in love. So you have to care about what you're building. I have to care about nlu and the mission more than kevin's feelings in the moment. But I better care about kevin's feelings in the moment more than whatever. That. That little conflict is that little thing. So it's almost like I care about the mission ultimately on the macro, but on the micro I care about kevin more than whatever mistake it was or I think that's really powerful so mission and again, it doesn't matter if we're not talking about it in a business realm the mission of a relationship is to succeed.

Kevin Palmieri

So same thing. That's the mission, and then person is greater than the circumstance.

Alan Lazaros

Yeah, nice circumstance. Remember that couple that you said you knew. Yeah, that.

Kevin Palmieri

I think what you picked up on is that he cares more about the fun of making fun of her in that moment than he does about her, which is which, anytime I see disrespect, it's like you can't. You can't disrespect somebody you love. It's not sustainable. It's not a sustainable relationship. No, it's not. It's not a sustainable. It's not a sustainable relationship. No, it's not.

Alan Lazaros

It's not a sustainable relationship. I remember one time Emilia asked me her opinion about a couch and she was asking her mom and her mom does interior design unbelievably well and I said, just buy the thing. And I was disrespectful and I was like I'm so sorry, I don't know what the hell that was about. If you want to ask your mom, you go ask your mom. I'm not Mr Know-it-all man and you've got to catch when you're disrespectful.

Kevin Palmieri

You got to catch a quick.

Alan Lazaros

Some people that's not disrespectful at all. That was the most disrespectful I maybe have ever been to her.

Kevin Palmieri

Well, that's because you have very high standards Same you and I, Same me and Taryn. We talked about this recently. There are certain things you can't put back in the box. The reason I knew, just for context. I was with Taryn and I were with a couple one time and we were hiking and it was a husband and a wife and the wife fell in the water and the husband did not even ask her if she was okay. We were walking across a log and she slipped and fell and he literally didn't even ask her if he was okay. He said make sure you don't get the backpack wet, Because the backpack has stuff in it. I was like, ah, that's that you care more about the backpack wet because the backpack has stuff in it.

Alan Lazaros

I was like that, that's that you care more about the backpack than your own wife.

Kevin Palmieri

Yeah, yeah, and then in that, moment I I immediately lost a ton of respect for him and we were like buddy, pretty, buddy buddy. Up until that point it was like that's that, I'm not, I can't, I'm, I don't want to spend time with you. I don't trust your character anymore. You've broken trust.

Self-worth in relationship dynamics

Alan Lazaros

The greatest indicator that a relationship will not succeed long term is probably disrespect. I would say so. It's an energy, it's an entitlement, it's a lack of gratitude and appreciation. It's admiration. It's a lack of admiration of gratitude and appreciation.

Kevin Palmieri

We had someone we were working with. It's a lack of admiration. Yeah, you can't admire someone and disrespect them. I don't think you can have those two at the same. You know what I mean.

Alan Lazaros

If I admire you and most of this is unconscious- yeah, yeah, if I admire you, you can't disrespect someone.

Kevin Palmieri

You can. I mean, I'm not saying you can't physically do it, but I don't think it's that's.

Alan Lazaros

That's one easy way to lose trust. For sure you can't put that back with that couple. What's probably going?

Kevin Palmieri

to happen or already has happened. Is it already happened? It already happened, they broke up. They broke up total shocker.

Alan Lazaros

Good, what happened probably is the woman eventually was probably like screw you, because here's the deal the moment she feels, the moment she increases her self-worth, she's going to stop tolerating that. Yep, and that's why self-worth is so powerful. I think self-worth is more powerful in relationships. I think self-belief is more powerful in achievement. I was good at the achievement part. I wasn't good at the relationship part until way later.

Kevin Palmieri

This is something else I would add to the through line of the conversation. When you have a disagreement I again, this is just my belief and this is my thought process when I'm having a disagreement with someone, you have to be as okay with being wrong as you are not rubbing it in somebody's face when you're right.

Alan Lazaros

Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

Because it's not if you, you can't lose it when you're wrong, just like you can't say I Alan, I told you obviously. How did you not know that? That's. It's almost like the. I think the ultimate goal of a disagreement is to set the framework for the next one. You're literally building trust on. Hey, the next time this happens, we know what to do and we have our system. We know what to do. I'm not going to overreact, you're not going to overreact. Will we get triggered? Sure, will we. Will we go above our normal energetic set point for a little bit? Very possible, very possible. But we will do our own set point for a little bit. Very possible, very possible. But we will do our own inner work in real time to make sure that we both are lowering. What's the opposite of not dissipating. When you lower the come on, you know words Threshold, no, what's to lower? De-escalate the situation, de-escalate, escalator. I should have said that. That would have been a dead giveaway. But you can't de-escalate the situation together until you practice de-escalating it on your own.

Alan Lazaros

This all comes down to emotional intelligence, emotional maturity, emotional regulation, emotional intelligence intelligence, emotional maturity, emotional regulation, emotional intelligence inside out. One and two are like perfect films for this it's, it's who. When you're anxious and overwhelmed and under pressure and you need results, it's very quick, it's very easy to put the results over your relationship. I told youilia, this week we're going away next week. This week's heavy, heavy, heavy, heavy 13 podcast coaching, training today, 13. It's going to be, I think, 10, because we're going to do six Now we're doing three Lower the standard.

Kevin Palmieri

Yeah, we're spreading away.

Alan Lazaros

Not long term but, yes, today. But it's been a heavy, heavy week and so I said in advance advance, this is going to be heavy. I'm going to need some grace so that she understands how she can support doing different things around the house that normally I would do, and she's grateful because she's grateful we're going away and being on the same team. Staying on the same team needs to matter more than the moment and that's really hard when stakes are high, when stakes are high. That's why people say finances, like if you look up the reasons couples break up, the reasons on the surface is finances, sex, whatever the other ones are, I don't know. I know those two are big, but really underneath that iceberg is lack of emotional regulation, lack of emotional intelligence, lack of ability to take a minute and de-escalate the situation.

Alan Lazaros

Emilia is the reason we haven't fought. So we've gone five years without a single fight, no storm out, no slamming doors, literally not once. And there have been times where I was escalating. My decibel level was getting louder and she said, well, take it down a notch. And I was like, oh, you're right, got it and there's no question I would have kept. I would have kept escalating if it wasn't for her calling that out and for us agreeing in advance to not ever let it get there. But I I mean I for sure fought in my younger years Same In terms of, like you know, I punched a hole in a door once way back in my early 20s. When I was pissed, I bought a new door For my ex-girlfriend.

Kevin Palmieri

Yeah, but that's one of those things, right? That's those imperfect moments I was. When I was doing a bodybuilding prep, I made an entire thing of chicken, a whole thing of chicken, a giant thing of chicken. I dropped whole thing of chicken, giant thing of chicken. I dropped it on the floor and I punched a giant dent in the refrigerator. Yeah, and my, my girlfriend was like I'm terrified. Right now I was like I understand, yeah, I understand, I can say trust me and I can say I've never done anything and nothing's ever happened.

Alan Lazaros

But yeah, of course, of course I can understand well as men, we bottle up anger and we don't know how to handle our emotions sometimes and luckily, some of that is shifting yeah, yeah, imperfect moments.

Kevin Palmieri

I think that's the goal of effectively having a disagreement is to avoid imperfect moments. It's how do we get our, how do we get our emotions out, how do we get our feelings out, how do we get our truths out? And then how do we meet in the middle and figure out what's the best course of action? But I remember you and I talked with a couple one time and they said we don't ever disagree like I don't believe you. Yeah, you don't ever disagree about anything, just like what do you want for dinner tonight? I don't want this. You just never disagree, ever about anything.

Alan Lazaros

Well, that's the couple I was talking about. On the far extreme, it's all fighting. On the other extreme, it's one person is obviously sacrificing or compromising who they are to some extent. From what I, understand of coaching couples yeah, healthy conflict is the best bet.

Alan Lazaros

It's not the. It's not the ship that never, never, hits any storms that you believe in. It's the ship that has been through the most storms and come out the other side that you, that you believe in, and that I mean. That's. Time always tells the truth. That's what I always say. Time always tells the truth. That couple that you mentioned, with the guy who was disrespectful, cares more about the backpack than the wife. There's no way that can work long-term unless that woman unfortunately has such low self-worth that she tolerates it for 40, 50 years or whatever it is.

Kevin Palmieri

Well, we've talked about that. One of the hardest parts of growth, especially in your relationship, is if the relationship was built upon one of you having low self-worth and that person starts to gain self-worth, that dynamic is going to change in some way and oftentimes that dynamic changing means that relationship ceases to exist. A hundred percent, which is a whole wonky thing.

Alan Lazaros

All right.

Kevin Palmieri

Is there anything else you'd add? Quickly, before we get out of here, I feel I wanted to make sure we did it justice, because we don't always do how-to episodes and anytime we do a how-to episode, especially something like this, I want to make sure that we actually touch on it, because I think that's important humility, courage, vulnerability.

Alan Lazaros

It's always one partner usually is lacking humility, the other partner is usually lacking courage, and then that loop feeds each other. And so or it always comes back to that Humility, courage or vulnerability. Which one's the low one? That's the bottleneck.

Kevin Palmieri

Next level nation. If you enjoyed today's episode and you want to make sure you never miss an opportunity to get to the next level, make sure you are subscribed, on whatever platform you are watching and or listening to us on. I know not every day is the day you wake up and say I can't wait to improve. Today, at least that's it for me. I force myself to do it very often, but if you get a gentle reminder from NLU that NLU dropped a latest episode and maybe it'll be how to effectively have a disagreement, maybe you'll say all right, cool, I'll give this 15 minutes, I'll give this 20 minutes. Oh, it's only an 18 minute episode. I can hammer that out while I do my mobility. So make sure you're subscribed so you never miss an opportunity to level up.

Alan Lazaros

We just started a new book in book club called the art of thinking. Clearly it is usually right here. It's actually across the room so I cannot show it on the camera, but it's rolf dobelli, I believe r-o-l-f-d-o-b-e-l-l-i, and it's all about the cognitive biases and how to think more rationally. Every saturday, 12 30 pm eastern standard time, the link to register will be in the show notes and it is a safe space to be yourself. It's not recorded. It's completely private. What happens in book club stays in book club. That's the only rule of book club like fight club.

Outro

Kevin Palmieri

Right, you've seen fight club. I've never seen it, really like I kind of sort of watched it in somebody's basement one time when I was drinking, so either I saw it or I didn't see it, don't know. All right, as always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan Lazaros

Stay connected.

Kevin Palmieri

Next Level Nation. Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri

Thank you.

Head Shot

Alan Lazaros

Host
Head Shot

Kevin Palmieri

Host