Next Level University

The Recipe For Resentment (1901)

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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In this episode, Kevin and Alan tackle the challenges of resentment in relationships and offer practical insights to break toxic cycles. They explore the “project, expect, resent” formula, which can harm personal and professional connections. By emphasizing self-awareness, empathy, and vulnerability, they share actionable strategies to strengthen relationships, set realistic expectations, and foster understanding. Whether managing a business partnership or building deeper connections at home, this episode provides tools to grow together without harboring resentment.

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Show notes:
(2:27) Real-life discussion about resentment
(4:36) The toxic cycle
(6:23) Dream mapping
(7:39) Conflict in relationships: common causes and solutions
(12:20) Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://bit.ly/3Up1FkG
(14:17) Positive relationship cycle
(20:12) Breaking negative cycles and building stronger bonds
(21:32) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Kevin Palmieri

I can also project my feelings of the way you're making me feel. Say, hypothetically, Alan is running behind. It makes me feel undervalued. I then put that on Alan, I projected that on Alan and then I expect that when he comes in he's going to be apologetic.

Alan Lazaros

I always say Tesla shouldn't sell energy drinks, Red Bull shouldn't sell cars. I think you've got to stick to your. I mean, we made this mistake. We did too many departments too quickly. Kev will come to me every now and then. Hey, man, what are your thoughts? No brother, it's not aligned with who we are. You know, Michael Jordan played baseball, but it didn't work out.

Kevin Palmieri

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri.

Alan Lazaros

And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.

Kevin Palmieri

At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

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Kevin Palmieri

Welcome to Next Level University. Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1901, I don't know how to say it, but that's the episode that it is we're going to talk about the recipe for resentment. So Alan and I are recording this. It's Saturday. Right now it is Saturday at 3.22 PM Eastern Standard Time. Alan is leaving on Sunday or Monday to go to family stuff for Thanksgiving.

Real-life discussion about resentment

Kevin Palmieri

And Alan logged on to StreamYard today and I was like, dude, we suck. And he's like I kind of I came out of the gate hot and he's like what do you mean, man? I was like why can't you just bring your freaking portable mic and we can record some episodes where you get to your destination, like why are we doing this to ourselves? And then we had a cool conversation. It was good. He's like, yeah, man, man, I know you don't like working saturday. And I was like that's not it, man, that's not just it, there's other stuff too, I promise.

Kevin Palmieri

And then we we had a good, a really good conversation and he said kevin, if it's, if you're frustrated, just tell me. I understand, because if you don't tell me, you're gonna end up having resentment. And I was like, well, I just told you we're good, I feel good now and I'm for me, it's more. I want to. Yeah, I just want to learn from what we did so we can make sure we do better next time. No, you taught me that. And alan said we should do an episode on resentment. Amy on the team was talking about resentment on our team call yeah, what did she say?

Alan Lazaros

she has two different forms of it, so one of them is the one we're going to talk about, which is sort of my formula for resentment. She had one. She said that to talk about, which is sort of my formula for resentment. She had one. She said that any time you're because this is in the context of intimate relationships obviously, kevin and I have a business partnership but any time you're in any relationship that has high stakes business partnership and marriage and intimate relationships those are high stakes relationships. You really need to work together, otherwise there's big consequences. So that's why it's like I told kevin this all the time. It's like dude, I don't, I wouldn't have to talk to you about this if you weren't my business partner. What?

Alan Lazaros

you do affects me. So if you make dumb choices, never they're going to affect my future. I've never made one no, never uh, but I think amy said something along these lines. Amy, I know you're listening. I'm going to butcher this. I have the answer if you need it. Okay, let me try. Okay, If your partner, business partner, intimate partner is allowed to do something that you don't feel like you have permission to do, you might harbor resentment. Six out of ten 6.5 out of 10.

The toxic cycle

Kevin Palmieri

What would you say? I probably just would have said the last thing first. Okay, then it would have been a 9.2 maybe out of 10. Potentially Nice, but no, yeah, you're correct. Resentment, awesome, as always. We love you. Well, you have a formula. You're the formula guy. Is this a pyramid Triangle? What shape is this A cycle? What do you?

Alan Lazaros

mean Is it a circle? It's like a circle. Yeah, picture a cycle.

Alan Lazaros

That's upsetting Like a snowball and it can snowball, and that's the metaphor. It can snowball, which can be really bad. Okay, imagine a snowball rolling down a hill and there's a village at the bottom and if you're not careful, this snowball is going to be an avalanche and take the whole village, got dark quick. Yeah, all right, here it is Projection, project, expect, resent. So, for example, I was on the team training earlier and I said playfully I basically project my technical skills onto everybody. I expect everyone to know this and then I resent you when you don't. I was being playful. I don't actually do that. I actually work really hard not to do that. Em good example. She'll not know her numbers and it sometimes drives me nuts.

Kevin Palmieri

What numbers are you referring to?

Alan Lazaros

Revenue. Number of team members. How many clients do you have? Emilia and I are business partners as well. How many clients do we have at Relationship Talks Coaching?

Alan Lazaros

You need to know your numbers. See, you need to know your numbers. That's a projection. No, I need to know my numbers and it would benefit you. It would behoove you, kev, to also know yours.

Alan Lazaros

So project expect, resent is a terrible cycle. So I project that Emilia has the same mathematical skills as I do. I expect her to have spreadsheets and numbers and metrics all dialed in, and then I resent her when she doesn't. I don't. Actually this is unconscious and I'm overriding this, but this is something that we do in relationships. So I was on a relationship talks coaching session earlier with a male and a female and I was teaching them this formula Project expect, resent.

Alan Lazaros

They did this really cool thing, by the way, which I highly recommend for anyone out there in an intimate relationship. It's called dream mapping. What you do is you write out four to five paragraphs of what you want your dream life to be and then you put it into chat GPT and you put both of them in and then they integrate them. It creates this story that you can read together. It's actually really powerful. We actually pulled both of them in and then they integrate them. It creates this story that you can read together. It's actually really powerful. We actually pulled both of them up.

Alan Lazaros

We needed to find the goals in conflict. So if Kev wants to go off the rails in his future, that's going to affect me in my life. So I need to know that now so we can work. Most conflict in relationships actually comes from things that are far beneath the surface Usually goals in conflict, core values in conflict, core aspirations in conflict, core beliefs in conflict. That's why the election was so hard for a lot of people, because apparently a lot of people got divorced post-election, because the core beliefs in conflict all got stirred up and the emotions of it all understandable and kevin and I don't talk politics on this, so we're not gonna. But the, the core beliefs that got stirred up really affected people and if you can't handle conflict well and you all that resentment that was harbored, it, the snowball destroys the village, so to speak.

Alan Lazaros

And so what's the opposite of this negative toxic cycle? The toxic cycle is hey, I have these awesome tech skills and I'm a computer engineer and I dial in metrics and I know numbers and I'm going to project that onto everyone else and assume that they can do that too, like the snap of their finger. Then I'm going to expect that they're doing that on their own and then I'm going to resent them when they don't, even though I never actually expressed hey, can you please do this? The opposite of that is understand where I'm different. Okay, I know math and formulas and metrics and that's a big focus for me. It's not necessarily as much of a focus for Kev, kevin and I. He doesn't mind me sharing this. I'm more organized than he is and in our company, organization's critical. That's what a company is an organization, kev, you're acting like. This is the first time you're hearing it.

Kevin Palmieri

Wait what? What? Seriously you never told me this?

Alan Lazaros

before. So in the past, I would expect him to be more organized, and then I'd get frustrated when he wasn't, when I, in reality, I was projecting my standards onto him without him knowing it, and then I vulnerably had to communicate hey, man, we need you to come up in organization if we're going to have an organization together, because that's what a company is an organization. So project.

Kevin Palmieri

Expect resent, resent, yeah, goes toxic, toxic. It goes hand in hand, but the opposite, so hand in foot. I guess we could say We'll make that saying up right now. That's going to be something we say If it's supposed to be hand in hand, but the opposite, it's going to be hand in foot With the If you. So Relationships that are more successful usually have the positive assumption. So if Alan is late again, we're not sexually intimate, but we're intimate business partners. I don't know why I have to say that, but you know what I mean. Probably unnecessary, but you know what I mean.

Kevin Palmieri

If Alan is late, I can have two thoughts. One thought is son of a bitch slept through, slept through his alarm again. He's probably sleeping or watching netflix. Son of a b, that is me. That is me projecting negativity. That's literally me not giving him any credit for anything he's done before. It's like again, huh, he slept through his alarm again. Here I, I am waiting, like Steven Glansberg, waiting to record episodes. I'm happy as hell, I'm ready to go, I got the music playing and everything. I don't know where he is.

Alan Lazaros

What do you think I was really doing?

Kevin Palmieri

Working? Yeah, I'm sure you were working.

Alan Lazaros

This is my new habit Book club went over. Oh, I know that.

Kevin Palmieri

Come on, the right expectation is important. I can't imagine Alan ever getting a tattoo. But if he does, it's going to be a book club or book club related Book club is awesome.

Alan Lazaros

Well, that's what I'm saying. Hey, real quick. Yeah, the Art of Thinking. Clearly it's a great book. That was your suggestion. It was Bianca's suggestion, but then, once you read it, you said, you should do that in book club.

Kevin Palmieri

Well, the jury is still not out because it's only been one or two calls. We'll see what happens at the end.

Alan Lazaros

It's going to be you and Brandon, and Amy, no, we had, I think, eight people today. Strong work. It is a little less than usual, though, so we'll see.

Kevin Palmieri

We'll see what happens. It's a big mirror book. Yeah, it's heavy. This is my new activity. This is my new habit. When you're running late, I do several things. I look in WhatsApp Because sometimes when you're running late, you're doing other departments, so I look. When's the last time Alan sent a message? Ah, one minute ago to book club? Okay, he's wrapping up, I'll check emails. Yeah, sometimes you move the meeting and don't tell me. Well, I send the email off. So now I check my emails and then I check my text messages.

Kevin Palmieri

It is mayhem. It's mayhem right now, but that's a really good behavior. If my assumption is Alan because here's the thing I can also project my feelings of the way you're making me feel. Alan say hypothetically, alan is running behind, it makes me feel undervalued. I then put that on Alan, I projected that on Alan and then I expect that when he comes in he's going to be apologetic Kev, so sorry, I'm late. I was doing this, this, this and this, and if that doesn't happen, I might feel unseen and then I might resent him. It's like he doesn't care about my time. I'm valuable too.

Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy:

Alan Lazaros

But what we did instead is I said to Kev this is a tough season, I need permission to be imperfect. I need a little permission. Hello, hello, hello. I need a little permission your dreams into goals, milestones and daily habits. We hope you enjoy it. The link will be in the show notes what I've tried to do and again, this is probably irrelevant, but for anyone out there who struggles with time, I used to have 15 minute buffers between every meeting, but that takes up a lot of spaces. That could be for coaching calls and I'm trying to coach more people, and that's good for NLU, good for Kevin, good for the team, good for the listener, good for everybody. So I said I just need some permission to be imperfect, that's all. So I set the right expectation up front and that helps tremendously in relationships yeah, so the opposite of project.

Alan Lazaros

Expect resent would be what I haven't done. This, this is the first time ever doing this probably be vulnerable.

Kevin Palmieri

Okay, I who knows?

Alan Lazaros

right, we're gonna. We're gonna try to figure it out. Well, self-awareness would be okay. I know kev's not as organized as me which means I have to acknowledge that I'm very organized. Okay, yeah, I agree with that. Okay, so, self-awareness, empathy, empathy, yeah would beathy. Yeah, would be number two, which would be oh, okay, so he struggles with organization.

Kevin Palmieri

Yep, and then vulnerability.

Positive relationship cycle

Alan Lazaros

And then vulnerability would be share vulnerably with you how I think your organization needs to come up if we're going to succeed. And the same thing with time. So you're always on time. So, self-awareness, you're actually very punctual. It's not just that I'm not punctual, it's you're very punctual due to what you used to call crippling anxiety. I still call it that. So it's self-awareness, empathy, vulnerability. That's good stuff, right?

Kevin Palmieri

there? Yeah, there's so many, though I need to make a. What is it called A palindrome, or is that the thing that's the same way backwards as forwards? I have no idea what you're talking about Okay cool, you know how you my very eager mother just served us nine pizzas. What is that?

Alan Lazaros

Acronym Okay, no, yeah. Acronym okay, no, yeah. Maybe that's what I took this out. What is a palindrome? A word phrase or sequence that reads the same backward as forward race car, okay.

Kevin Palmieri

I was right about that why did you? Just say race car, race car, backwards, forward, same thing oh, interesting.

Alan Lazaros

Yeah, I could hit you with mom. What is an acronym?

Kevin Palmieri

mom's an easy one, but race cars.

Alan Lazaros

But yeah, mom, would make more sense. An abbreviation formed from the initial letters of other words and pronounced yeah. So hexaco is a personality test. It's humility is the first one, emotion, emotional intelligence, is the second one, the x is extroversion versus introversion, that kind of thing. So that's an acronym. I didn't know that until this very moment. The Hexico thing, or acronym.

Kevin Palmieri

That Hexico is an acronym. Every time I hear Hexico, I think about the gas station Texaco.

Alan Lazaros

Hexico is a personality test Best one in the game, I think. Any listeners who disagree? I can think of at least one that's gonna. Who loves not myers-briggs? What's the other one? Yeah, human design, no. There's another one. I hate the guy enneagram. Enneagram. She loves enneagram, she's a client. Hexaco, I think, is the best so real quick.

Kevin Palmieri

And then there's disc.

Alan Lazaros

There's all those let me f you, let me f you up with the truth. By the way, I know you will have one in the future. What's gonna be called? I have no idea yet. I'm excited level self-assessment.

Kevin Palmieri

I'm excited to add one percent value to that and then be able to say I co-created it. Really looking forward to that it's gonna be awesome for me, nice two things real quick, completely useless, of little to no value for anybody listening. But maybe if you again bar trivia, if your goal is to be the best in the world at that, this is going to help you. Alan, have you ever heard of a Michelin star restaurant? Did you know that's the tire company? Yeah, michelin, also Guinness Book of World Records.

Alan Lazaros

Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

It's from the beer.

Alan Lazaros

Yeah, you didn't know.

Kevin Palmieri

No, I did know.

Alan Lazaros

I told everybody I knew, I knew it too uh, one of the things that doesn't surprise me anymore, because I learned this very young and this is actually alarming and we're not gonna go far on it. Uh, most of the company, so ben and jerry's ice cream, for example, it's not owned by. Yes, exactly, how do you know that? I know stuff too man, you know how did you learn that from me? No, that was one of my big customers back in the day.

Kevin Palmieri

It was probably because I was probably like I just hammered this whole thing of Chunky Monkey. How many calories are in it? And then you look it back and it's yeah, and it says owned by, owned by unilever, and I was like, wait, aren't those the people that make the soap?

Alan Lazaros

yeah, exactly jerry's cool and, but they keep the brand because they want people to think it's a mom and pop shop in vermont, yeah, and that's it's not, yeah, so you gotta always go to the source, figure out who who the company is.

Kevin Palmieri

It's actually a conglomerate which I don't necessarily think is all bad but well, here's the thing if your dream is to start a tire company, who then rates restaurants, it's been done, you can do it. If your dream is to have some thick beer I love guinness, my favorite beer in the world that also has a book of records real quick.

Alan Lazaros

You could do it timer ready. You might not have known this. Okay, circuit City bought CarQuest. No, what's the car place CarMax? Circuit City and CarMax were actually the same and they both actually went out of business, I believe. Yeah, that's terrible. Circuit City probably shouldn't do that. I always say Tesla shouldn't sell energy drinks, red Bull shouldn't sell cars. I think you've got to stick to stick to your. I mean, we made this mistake, we. We did too many departments too quickly. Oh yeah, pretty much whatever. Kevin will come to me every now and then. Hey, man, what are your thoughts?

Alan Lazaros

no brother, it's not aligned with who we are.

Kevin Palmieri

Look, you know you know, michael jordan played baseball, but it didn't work out. No, he wasn't very good at it. No, he was not good at it at all, actually. You want to have me on Business Growth U to talk about my extensive and expensive business knowledge. I will do it.

Kevin Palmieri

Yeah, that's a lot, but we're going to have to save that for another day For sure. And eventually, when you reach the pillars of success, I will have you on Podcast Growth University to peel back the curtain on how I did it. I knew you were going to say that this is the thing this is the weird thing about so.

Kevin Palmieri

We used to do seven, try to do seven episodes on Monday. It's very strange because the mood that you're in ends up being the entire week's episodes. That's the weird thing is, we're in very weird moods and very funny moods and every episode's that way all right, we got in flow.

Alan Lazaros

Let's rock and roll one more.

Kevin Palmieri

Let's rock. Yeah, we got one more after this. What is your takeaway from this episode? Mine would be. Well, you think mine would be the opposite, the opposite of so it was awareness, empathy, empathy, vulnerability, that's the. Self-awareness, self-awareness yeah Well, does it have to be self, can't it just be awareness?

Alan Lazaros

I think most of it comes down to self-awareness. Okay In this case, because if I, if I am projecting, it's most likely something that I'm. Kevin said this to me one time. He said it's not that other people are unintelligent, it's that you're really intelligent. Yes, he said, you're the issue.

Kevin Palmieri

You are the problem. Yeah, it's your. This is your your problem, not everybody else's yeah yeah, that's right, so yeah.

Alan Lazaros

So self-awareness, self-awareness, self-awareness, empathy, vulnerability. Okay, that's the positive cycle for relationships. The negative toxic cycle is project, expect, resent and then bottle that up and then let it explode. It's a bad idea.

Kevin Palmieri

It's not a good idea. It's not a good idea at all. Okay, next Elevation. If you're looking to make sure you never miss an opportunity to get to the next level, make sure you are subscribed to whatever platform you are watching or listening to this episode on. We appreciate you very much.

Alan Lazaros

Anything. If you're interested in joining Book Club, the art of thinking clearly Book Club the art of thinking clearly Book Club every Saturday, 12.30 pm, Eastern Standard Time. It is free. Always Join us, Participate or not. Some people just have it on in the background while they're doing stuff. On a Saturday, 12.30 pm, Eastern Standard Time. We hope to see you there. The registration link will be in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri

And even if you don't read the book, it's okay. You don't have to participate, you can just be a fly on the wall. Like alan said, you never know you learn a lot of stuff. It's like a live, free coaching session, slash podcast kind of sort of self-improvement books with self-improvement people, next level books with next level people boom put a stamp on it.

Outro

Kevin Palmieri

As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and and. At NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow. Come to book club. Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly.

Kevin Palmieri

Everything you need to get ahold of us is in the show notes. Thank you again, and we will talk to you tomorrow.

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host