Next Level University

A Great Communication Practice For When You’re Stressed Out (1902)

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 18:19

Transform your relationships with the power of storytelling in communication. In today’s episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros share a simple practice to ease tension and strengthen relationships: “The story I’m telling myself is...” Learn how this tool fosters understanding, reduces conflict, and helps express emotions honestly. Together, they explore how emotional states, timing, and growth-minded partnerships shape better communication. Don’t miss the chance to build healthier connections and take the first step toward lasting change.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
Next Level Book Club Registration - https://bit.ly/42E4n8M
December 2024 Monthly Meet-up Registration - https://bit.ly/40IJYAu

______________________

NLU is not just a podcast; it’s a gateway to a wealth of resources designed to help you achieve your goals and dreams. From our Next Level Dreamliner to our Group Coaching, we offer a variety of tools and communities to support your personal development journey.

For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

_______________________

Any of these communities or resources are FREE to join and consume
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
Next Level 5 To Thrive (free course) - ​​https://bit.ly/3xffver
Next Level U Book Club - https://bit.ly/3BQBYDr
Next Level Monthly Meet-up:  https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/

_______________________

We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email. We’re here to support you in your personal and professional development journey.

Instagram 📷
Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Facebook ✍
Alan: https://www.facebook.com/alan.lazaros
Kevin: https://www.facebook.com/kevin.palmieri.90/

Email 💬
Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

LinkedIn ✍
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

_______________________

Show notes:
(4:03) Expressing emotions without blame
(6:21) Emotional suppression leads to resentment or explosion
(9:27) Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://bit.ly/3Up1FkG
(13:13) Key elements of effective communication
(15:07) Why growth-minded relationships matter
(17:36) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Kevin Palmieri

it has the potential to immediately diffuse any situation. All you're essentially saying is this might be unrational, it might be purely emotional, it might not have any ground in reality, but this is how I'm feeling. That's it. Here's the joke.

Alan Lazaros

Never bring up the person's drinking problem while they're drunk. But guess what, that's usually when you need to bring it up. Hey, you're being you know unreasonable here.

Kevin Palmieri

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, kevin Palmieri, and.

Alan Lazaros

I'm your co-host, alan Lazarus, at.

Kevin Palmieri

NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life love health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

We bring you a new episode every single day, on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Kevin Palmieri

Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation, welcome back to another episode of Next Level University where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1902, a great communication practice for when you're stressed out. I came up with this topic because I was looking back at old episodes and I don't remember exactly what episode it was, but it was the top five questions to ask yourself. And we've done that. I'm sure we've done that a handful of times. I think we were in like the five or six hundreds at this point and one of the questions I saw and I said oh my goodness, I haven't talked about that in a minute, and my amazing wife used it recently. It's not the question. It'll make sense when we do it. Can you share what she said? Yeah, I will, but let me get there.

Kevin Palmieri

I'm trying to paint the picture. You know you can't put the shadows before you put the sun. You've got to put the sun first, then you do the shadows. You've got to figure out the shadows. You know what I'm saying. We were talking recently about something. I don't remember exactly what it was, but we weren't on the same page and we were trying to get on the same page and she said Kev, probably babe, not Kev, babe. The story that I'm telling myself is and I said oh, I haven't heard that one in a minute. I haven't heard that one in a minute. I haven't heard that one in a minute. And immediately guard goes down. You're not attacking me. You're not saying I'm wrong. You're not saying I'm incorrect. You're not saying anything about me. You are saying the way I am interpreting the situation, the way I'm interpreting the feedback, the way I'm taking this on the way I'm feeling, the way I'm interpreting this, the the feedback, the way I'm taking this on the way I'm feeling, the way I'm thinking, whatever. Can I help you?

Alan Lazaros

I just, I just have funny jokes in my head. Okay, the story I'm so earmuffs for anyone with kids in the room yeah the story I'm telling myself, kev, is that you're a selfish son of a bitch. That would be.

Kevin Palmieri

That would be a story that one could tell that's yeah, it almost gives you permission to express something that you're afraid to express. I think that's ultimately what it does, just like when I say hey, can I have a vulnerable share what I'm what I'm saying, we, we're going to be fine. What I'm saying is what it does what it? Doesn't what it didn't. What I'm saying is what I'm about to say to you is vulnerable for me. So if you laugh, it's going to hurt my feelings. That's what I'm ultimately saying.

Expressing emotions without blame

Alan Lazaros

I'm past it. I'm sorry, we got this.

Kevin Palmieri

We got this, so that's the thing, that's the question. But it's not a question. It's a practice, for when you're stressed out, when you are trying to give someone feedback, you can say the story that I'm telling myself is and essentially, you're saying I'm not painting a picture where this is reality, this is just the way I'm feeling, these are my emotions. I'm not saying it's logical, I'm not saying it's true, but the story I'm telling myself is you, you come home from work and you kick off your shoes and you expect me to clean up after you. That might be the story I'm telling myself, right? So say, your partner comes home, they kick off their shoes, they throw their socks on the floor and then they go take a shower, whatever, they leave their stuff out.

Kevin Palmieri

In your mind, the story you might be telling yourself is I feel like you don't care about me. I feel like you come home and you aren't thinking about me. You're thinking about the fact that you've completed your day and now I have to take care of stuff that you don't respect me for. Now, again, this is why relationships are hard, because it takes two to tango. So you could say that to someone, and if they're not of a growth mindset. They might literally say well, you know that's a sad story or that's that's not real, right, so it does. It takes two to tango. That's why these episodes are always hard, because the truth of the matter is a great communication practice for when you're stressed out and you have a partner who's willing to listen to you.

Kevin Palmieri

But again, that's a long ass title my brain has so much four years relationships, studying them, coaching them, learning them.

Emotional suppression leads to resentment or explosion

Alan Lazaros

That's how you know. Alan just starts saying words four years love, the number one movie in america. I guess the question I have for you is I I can't even imagine anymore being with friends or associated with someone who you couldn't say hey, the story I'm telling myself is xyz, and then have them like shut you down you're in an echo chamber, man.

Alan Lazaros

I know dude, an echo chamber there are some times where I'll be in situations with people that are like that dude, I can't stand it. I can't even stand it if you're out there and you're going into rooms with people who need to be right, you gotta leave those rooms. That just sucks because you're always going to feel suppressed. A lot of the coaching that I do you always start the call with catch me up, how's it going, how are you, what's going on? And they express. It's really important. The suppression of self-expression leads to depression or explosion. We talked about resentment in the last episode. If she didn't say the story I'm telling myself is X, y, z. She would build resentment unconsciously and she would suppress it and eventually that's either going to lead to depression and feeling powerless or helpless, or it's going to lead to explosion of well Kev.

Alan Lazaros

I don't know if you know, but for the last three months, right, Whatever it is.

Kevin Palmieri

And I don't leave the house. So I don't, I don't leave the house.

Alan Lazaros

So I don house, so I don't. I don't leave the house, so I don't. Come home and take my shoes off and throw them anywhere they're just. They kind of stay where they are for most of the time and, by the way, if anyone's in a relationship with anyone who's like that, consider leaving them. I'm just going to say this if someone kicks off their shoes and expects you to pick them up, you should probably leave that person. I, I don't even I I'm scared a little bit to share that, but the truth of the matter is that's entitlement that's disrespectful.

Alan Lazaros

They don't take responsibility for their own uh life. And emilia's got a client right now. It's, it's so hard. She coaches a lot of people. She's becoming a therapist. Bianca is a therapist. They have a, a company. We coach them, they coach us. It's amazing.

Alan Lazaros

Some of the stories you hear are so atrocious. Dude, it's so bad. It's so bad.

Alan Lazaros

If you're out there and you're being wildly like, you know if you're being treated unjustly, you think it's in your head, you think it's just you. If you feel like you're being treated unjustly and you know it's not coming from an entitled place, you've got to have the courage to confront that. And there's things in the mix. There's kids. Well, what if they took? I had one client. It's like well, if I were to express that, I'm afraid she's going to threaten to take my kids away. And it's oh, my goodness, oh my goodness, they're going right for the throat. Huh, I can't stand it, man. I hate it so much. It's like, dude, she is controlling you and, by the way, you're the best dad ever. You're the best dad ever. That's no court is going to side with her. So, at the end of the day, if you're with someone who is toxic, you know it and I just want to encourage you to go get help.

Alan Lazaros

Hello, hello, hello. Nlu listener. Thank you, as always, for listening to Next Level University Real quick. I just want to jump in and let you know about the Next Level Dreamliner. This is a journal that I use every single day. Achieve your dreams 90 days at a time. It breaks down your dreams into goals, milestones and daily habits. We hope you enjoy it. The link will be in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri

It's rough, that's rough, it's heavy's heavy, it's heavy. But hopefully you're not in that situation, because this really is meant for someone who's in a growth-minded relationship, because if you're not in a growth-minded relationship, that's the. You hear this question all the time. What do I do I? I have a partner who doesn't want to grow, who does, who doesn't want to be into self-improvement, it doesn't want to do the work, blah, blah, blah. What do I do to get them to grow? It's like, yeah, it depends, it depends, right.

Kevin Palmieri

I'm sure you've seen that more than I have, because you coach relationships and couples. But if you brought that, if you were afraid, if, when you heard that, you were afraid to bring that to your partner because you thought they were going to laugh at you, there's something to explore. That's all I'll say. I don't know what you should do, but there's something you should explore. I was so excited when Taryn said that. I was like fuck, yeah, awesome, that's awesome, it immediately. It has the potential to immediately diffuse any situation. All you're essentially saying is this might be unrational, it might be purely emotional, it might not have any ground in reality, but this is how I'm feeling.

Kevin Palmieri

Well, it's a humble thing to say it's the best.

Alan Lazaros

I love it, the story I'm telling myself, presupposes you don't guarantee you're right.

Kevin Palmieri

Let me add real quick this is from. I tried to say this in the beginning, I don't think I did. This is from Brene Brown. This is part of Brene Brown's work. I don't know if it was in her TED Talk. I think it was in her Netflix special, but that's where we originally found it. Taryn and I watched that very early in our relationship. I don't remember how long we were together, but very early.

Alan Lazaros

You and I used to talk about this way back. I think I did. How long we were together, but very early you and I used to talk about this way back I think I did. State story strategy standards, the S's and the state is sort of Kevin and I are in a giggly state that's why I was laughing so much, although that just got heavy. Quick Standards is you have different standards.

Alan Lazaros

So back to the last episode about resentment. If I have a certain standard for organization and he doesn't and I'm building that up and not communicating I could easily say the story I'm telling myself is that you don't care about the company as much as I do because I'm more organized, right? So state story strategy standards they're all connected. If I'm in a negative state, I'm more likely going to project and build resentment. If I have higher standards than Kev or he has higher standards than me, that causes potential issues. So everyone check in on when you're having these conversations. So I'm assuming when Taryn came to you and said, hey, the story I'm telling myself, I'm assuming she was in a reasonable state. She wasn't coming at you right.

Key elements of effective communication

Alan Lazaros

Yeah, whereas if she's overwhelmed it might be like a trigger. Okay, so state story strategy standards. State is emotionally, where are you at in the moment. Story is recognizing that you're not all knowing and this might be. You have the humility to say this is the story I'm telling myself about myself. This is the story I'm telling myself about you. This is my story, the story I'm telling myself about our relationship. And then strategy is do you do a soft approach? Do you, do you wait for the right time? I was on with a couple earlier and I said what do you think is the root cause of this issue? And the female in the relationship said he just brings it up at the worst time oh, I do that sometimes yeah, and you know why?

Alan Lazaros

it's because I mean you, you just did that earlier a little bit. You're like dude, we should have freaking been more proactive about you going away.

Kevin Palmieri

It's like well across the line I got. I was frustrated enough, that was that's all it is like. Yeah, here across the line.

Alan Lazaros

I got. I was frustrated enough. That was all it is. Here's the joke Never bring up the person's drinking problem while they're drunk. But guess, what.

Alan Lazaros

That's usually when you need to bring it up. Hey, you're being, you know, unreasonable here. Right, god, that one hits home, okay. So state story, strategy and then standards. So those four things. Usually there's a good state, a good story to tell yourself, a good standard to have and a good strategy to have in the way in which you approach it, approach it. But if you're in a bad state and you're telling yourself a negative story and you have a negative standard or a standard that's way in conflict and your strategy's off, you're about to burn that relationship to the ground and you better, you better stop drop and roll it doesn't take a lot, you.

Kevin Palmieri

You can work years and years, and years and years to cultivate an amazing relationship and you can mess it up in three seconds. Yep, yep.

Alan Lazaros

Jenga tower is what we use at relationship talks, coaching we we say the Jenga tower, you can take out one block. The whole thing can topple even though it took you 10 years to build.

Kevin Palmieri

Well, and that's why stuff like this is so valuable. And again, this is Brene's work, not mine, but it's. It is something that we, taryn and I, have been using for years on and off, obviously, because I completely forgot about it until she said it, but anytime we're having challenging moments, there's always something like this. It's essentially saying let's try to take ourselves out of it for a second and let's just talk about how we're feeling. Let's not make any assumptions on the other person. Let's just talk about how we're feeling and then we'll see what's real. Let's admit that we're in an emotional state and we'll go from there. What's your wrap up before we get out of?

Alan Lazaros

here. That was it. State story strategy standards. What of those are in conflict in your relationship and, if so, what can you do about it?

Kevin Palmieri

I forgot to do a Thursday, so for episode 1900, Thursday was Thanksgiving. So happy Thanksgiving to anybody that celebrates Thanksgiving. Gratitude I'll be. Just know I've eaten a lot of turkey and many side dishes and desserts.

Alan Lazaros

And we usually do gratitude.

Kevin Palmieri

Happy Thanksgiving. We usually do a gratitude episode on yeah.

Alan Lazaros

Right here at Jeffin, we did actually share a lot of gratitudes in episode 1900 we did. Grateful for the team, grateful for the listeners. Yeah, so we Well the story.

Kevin Palmieri

I'm telling myself, maybe that was unconscious. Yeah, the story, I'm telling myself is we got lucky that it happened to be 1900 and Thanksgiving on the same day.

Alan Lazaros

You did it. No, I didn't.

Kevin Palmieri

I can't take credit for that the story Alan's telling himself is it was him.

Alan Lazaros

He did it all. It was him.

Kevin Palmieri

It's all good, All right. Next Level Nation if you are, I'm just shutting off my timer. If you are looking for a group of like-minded humans who are into growth and self-improvement and relationship stuff like this, I know there might be some groups where people would laugh at you if you talked about this. That'll never happen in any groups that we are a part of or leading. Next Level Nation is a great place for you. A private Facebook group. We'll have the link in the show notes below.

Alan Lazaros

Change your story change your life what I think. I thought that that was the end of the episode. I forgot. If you want to come to book club, it's every Saturday. You want to come to monthly meetups? Both the registration links will be in the show notes. The next meetup, I believe, is about how to set and align your goals for 2025. No, no, no, oh, it's about core limiting beliefs.

Kevin Palmieri

There's three main core limiting beliefs.

Alan Lazaros

I think in January we're going to do one about setting goals, so December is going to be core limiting beliefs, the three core limiting beliefs and how to overcome them.

Kevin Palmieri

I believe it is how to discover and overcome your deepest limiting beliefs. Thursday, december 5th, from 5 to 6 pm Eastern Standard.

Alan Lazaros

Time. We have a digital asset that we created and this is going to be a very powerful discovery process of what is your core limiting belief. Kevin and I over the years have realized that he and I have different core limiting beliefs and we kind of trigger each other and luckily we've worked through that well. But it's really been quite an unlock to realize that each core limiting belief has a different sort of recipe of how to overcome it, and that's what that event is going to be about. So the registration link will be in the show notes and if you want to join book club, that will be there as well. Boom.

Kevin Palmieri

As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you.

Alan Lazaros

And at N, we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Kevin Palmieri

Change your story, Change your life Next up the nation. Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.

Head Shot

Alan Lazaros

Host
Head Shot

Kevin Palmieri

Host