A Great Communication Practice For When You’re Stressed Out (1902)

Transform your relationships with the power of storytelling in communication. In today’s episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros share a simple practice to ease tension and strengthen relationships: “The story I’m telling myself is...” Learn how this tool fosters understanding, reduces conflict, and helps express emotions honestly. Together, they explore how emotional states, timing, and growth-minded partnerships shape better communication. Don’t miss the chance to build healthier connections and take the first step toward lasting change.

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For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

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Show notes:
(4:03) Expressing emotions without blame
(6:21) Emotional suppression leads to resentment or explosion
(9:27) Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://bit.ly/3Up1FkG
(13:13) Key elements of effective communication
(15:07) Why growth-minded relationships matter
(17:36) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri 0:00

it has the potential to immediately diffuse any situation . All you're essentially saying is this might be unrational , it might be purely emotional , it might not have any ground in reality , but this is how I'm feeling . That's it . Here's the joke .

Alan Lazaros 0:17

Never bring up the person's drinking problem while they're drunk . But guess what , that's usually when you need to bring it up . Hey , you're being you know unreasonable here .

Kevin Palmieri 0:28

Welcome to Next Level University . I'm your host , kevin Palmieri , and .

Alan Lazaros 0:32

I'm your co-host , alan Lazarus , at .

Kevin Palmieri 0:36

NLU , we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers .

Alan Lazaros 0:42

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life love health and wealth .

Kevin Palmieri 0:48

We bring you a new episode every single day , on topics like confidence , self-belief , self-worth , self-awareness , relationships , boundaries , consistency , habits and defining your own unique version of success Self-improvement in your pocket , every day , from anywhere , completely free .

Kevin Palmieri 1:11

Welcome to Next Level University , next Level Nation , welcome back to another episode of Next Level University where we help you level up your life , your love , your health and your wealth . Today , for episode number 1902 , a great communication practice for when you're stressed out . I came up with this topic because I was looking back at old episodes and I don't remember exactly what episode it was , but it was the top five questions to ask yourself . And we've done that . I'm sure we've done that a handful of times . I think we were in like the five or six hundreds at this point and one of the questions I saw and I said oh my goodness , I haven't talked about that in a minute , and my amazing wife used it recently . It's not the question . It'll make sense when we do it . Can you share what she said ? Yeah , I will , but let me get there .

Kevin Palmieri 2:11

I'm trying to paint the picture . You know you can't put the shadows before you put the sun . You've got to put the sun first , then you do the shadows . You've got to figure out the shadows . You know what I'm saying . We were talking recently about something . I don't remember exactly what it was , but we weren't on the same page and we were trying to get on the same page and she said Kev , probably babe , not Kev , babe . The story that I'm telling myself is and I said oh , I haven't heard that one in a minute . I haven't heard that one in a minute . I haven't heard that one in a minute . And immediately guard goes down . You're not attacking me . You're not saying I'm wrong . You're not saying I'm incorrect . You're not saying anything about me . You are saying the way I am interpreting the situation , the way I'm interpreting the feedback , the way I'm taking this on the way I'm feeling , the way I'm interpreting this , the the feedback , the way I'm taking this on the way I'm feeling , the way I'm thinking , whatever . Can I help you ?

Alan Lazaros 3:12

I just , I just have funny jokes in my head . Okay , the story I'm so earmuffs for anyone with kids in the room yeah the story I'm telling myself , kev , is that you're a selfish son of a bitch . That would be .

Kevin Palmieri 3:26

That would be a story that one could tell that's yeah , it almost gives you permission to express something that you're afraid to express . I think that's ultimately what it does , just like when I say hey , can I have a vulnerable share what I'm what I'm saying , we , we're going to be fine . What I'm saying is what it does what it ? Doesn't what it didn't . What I'm saying is what I'm about to say to you is vulnerable for me . So if you laugh , it's going to hurt my feelings . That's what I'm ultimately saying .

Alan Lazaros 4:00

I'm past it . I'm sorry , we got

Expressing emotions without blame

Alan Lazaros 4:03

this .

Kevin Palmieri 4:03

We got this , so that's the thing , that's the question . But it's not a question . It's a practice , for when you're stressed out , when you are trying to give someone feedback , you can say the story that I'm telling myself is and essentially , you're saying I'm not painting a picture where this is reality , this is just the way I'm feeling , these are my emotions . I'm not saying it's logical , I'm not saying it's true , but the story I'm telling myself is you , you come home from work and you kick off your shoes and you expect me to clean up after you . That might be the story I'm telling myself , right ? So say , your partner comes home , they kick off their shoes , they throw their socks on the floor and then they go take a shower , whatever , they leave their stuff out .

Kevin Palmieri 4:54

In your mind , the story you might be telling yourself is I feel like you don't care about me . I feel like you come home and you aren't thinking about me . You're thinking about the fact that you've completed your day and now I have to take care of stuff that you don't respect me for . Now , again , this is why relationships are hard , because it takes two to tango . So you could say that to someone , and if they're not of a growth mindset . They might literally say well , you know that's a sad story or that's that's not real , right , so it does . It takes two to tango . That's why these episodes are always hard , because the truth of the matter is a great communication practice for when you're stressed out and you have a partner who's willing to listen to you .

Kevin Palmieri 5:38

But again , that's a long ass title my brain has so much four years relationships , studying them , coaching them , learning them .

Alan Lazaros 5:55

That's how you know . Alan just starts saying words four years love , the number one movie in america . I guess the question I have for you is I I can't even imagine anymore being with friends or associated with someone who you couldn't say hey , the story I'm telling myself is xyz , and then have them like shut you down you're in an echo chamber , man

Emotional suppression leads to resentment or explosion

Alan Lazaros 6:21

.

Alan Lazaros 6:21

I know dude , an echo chamber there are some times where I'll be in situations with people that are like that dude , I can't stand it . I can't even stand it if you're out there and you're going into rooms with people who need to be right , you gotta leave those rooms . That just sucks because you're always going to feel suppressed . A lot of the coaching that I do you always start the call with catch me up , how's it going , how are you , what's going on ? And they express . It's really important . The suppression of self-expression leads to depression or explosion . We talked about resentment in the last episode . If she didn't say the story I'm telling myself is X , y , z . She would build resentment unconsciously and she would suppress it and eventually that's either going to lead to depression and feeling powerless or helpless , or it's going to lead to explosion of well Kev .

Alan Lazaros 7:26

I don't know if you know , but for the last three months , right , Whatever it is .

Kevin Palmieri 7:30

And I don't leave the house . So I don't , I don't leave the house .

Alan Lazaros 7:38

So I don house , so I don't . I don't leave the house , so I don't . Come home and take my shoes off and throw them anywhere they're just . They kind of stay where they are for most of the time and , by the way , if anyone's in a relationship with anyone who's like that , consider leaving them . I'm just going to say this if someone kicks off their shoes and expects you to pick them up , you should probably leave that person . I , I don't even I I'm scared a little bit to share that , but the truth of the matter is that's entitlement that's disrespectful .

Alan Lazaros 8:00

They don't take responsibility for their own uh life . And emilia's got a client right now . It's , it's so hard . She coaches a lot of people . She's becoming a therapist . Bianca is a therapist . They have a , a company . We coach them , they coach us . It's amazing .

Alan Lazaros 8:17

Some of the stories you hear are so atrocious . Dude , it's so bad . It's so bad .

Alan Lazaros 8:23

If you're out there and you're being wildly like , you know if you're being treated unjustly , you think it's in your head , you think it's just you . If you feel like you're being treated unjustly and you know it's not coming from an entitled place , you've got to have the courage to confront that . And there's things in the mix . There's kids . Well , what if they took ? I had one client . It's like well , if I were to express that , I'm afraid she's going to threaten to take my kids away . And it's oh , my goodness , oh my goodness , they're going right for the throat . Huh , I can't stand it , man . I hate it so much . It's like , dude , she is controlling you and , by the way , you're the best dad ever . You're the best dad ever . That's no court is going to side with her . So , at the end of the day , if you're with someone who is toxic , you know it and I just want to encourage you to go get help .

Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy:

Alan Lazaros 9:27

Hello , hello , hello . Nlu listener . Thank you , as always , for listening to Next Level University Real quick . I just want to jump in and let you know about the Next Level Dreamliner . This is a journal that I use every single day . Achieve your dreams 90 days at a time . It breaks down your dreams into goals , milestones and daily habits . We hope you enjoy it . The link will be in the show notes .

Kevin Palmieri 9:52

It's rough , that's rough , it's heavy's heavy , it's heavy . But hopefully you're not in that situation , because this really is meant for someone who's in a growth-minded relationship , because if you're not in a growth-minded relationship , that's the . You hear this question all the time . What do I do I ? I have a partner who doesn't want to grow , who does , who doesn't want to be into self-improvement , it doesn't want to do the work , blah , blah , blah . What do I do to get them to grow ? It's like , yeah , it depends , it depends , right .

Kevin Palmieri 10:23

I'm sure you've seen that more than I have , because you coach relationships and couples . But if you brought that , if you were afraid , if , when you heard that , you were afraid to bring that to your partner because you thought they were going to laugh at you , there's something to explore . That's all I'll say . I don't know what you should do , but there's something you should explore . I was so excited when Taryn said that . I was like fuck , yeah , awesome , that's awesome , it immediately . It has the potential to immediately diffuse any situation . All you're essentially saying is this might be unrational , it might be purely emotional , it might not have any ground in reality , but this is how I'm feeling .

Kevin Palmieri 11:05

Well , it's a humble thing to say it's the best .

Alan Lazaros 11:07

I love it , the story I'm telling myself , presupposes you don't guarantee you're right .

Kevin Palmieri 11:12

Let me add real quick this is from . I tried to say this in the beginning , I don't think I did . This is from Brene Brown . This is part of Brene Brown's work . I don't know if it was in her TED Talk . I think it was in her Netflix special , but that's where we originally found it . Taryn and I watched that very early in our relationship . I don't remember how long we were together , but very early .

Alan Lazaros 11:33

You and I used to talk about this way back . I think I did . How long we were together , but very early you and I used to talk about this way back I think I did . State story strategy standards , the S's and the state is sort of Kevin and I are in a giggly state that's why I was laughing so much , although that just got heavy . Quick Standards is you have different standards .

Alan Lazaros 11:51

So back to the last episode about resentment . If I have a certain standard for organization and he doesn't and I'm building that up and not communicating I could easily say the story I'm telling myself is that you don't care about the company as much as I do because I'm more organized , right ? So state story strategy standards they're all connected . If I'm in a negative state , I'm more likely going to project and build resentment . If I have higher standards than Kev or he has higher standards than me , that causes potential issues . So everyone check in on when you're having these conversations . So I'm assuming when Taryn came to you and said , hey , the story I'm telling myself , I'm assuming she was in a reasonable state . She wasn't coming at you right .

Alan Lazaros 12:33

Yeah , whereas if she's overwhelmed it might be like a trigger . Okay , so state story strategy standards . State is emotionally , where are you at in the moment . Story is recognizing that you're not all knowing and this might be . You have the humility to say this is the story I'm telling myself about myself . This is the story I'm telling myself about you . This is my story , the story I'm telling myself about our relationship . And then strategy is do you do a soft approach ? Do you , do you wait for the right time ? I was on with a couple earlier and I said what do you think is the root cause of this issue ? And the female in the relationship said he just brings it up at the worst time oh , I do that sometimes yeah , and you know

Key elements of effective communication

Alan Lazaros 13:13

why ?

Alan Lazaros 13:13

it's because I mean you , you just did that earlier a little bit . You're like dude , we should have freaking been more proactive about you going away .

Kevin Palmieri 13:21

It's like well across the line I got . I was frustrated enough , that was that's all it is like . Yeah , here across the line .

Alan Lazaros 13:26

I got . I was frustrated enough . That was all it is . Here's the joke Never bring up the person's drinking problem while they're drunk . But guess , what .

Alan Lazaros 13:35

That's usually when you need to bring it up . Hey , you're being , you know , unreasonable here . Right , god , that one hits home , okay . So state story , strategy and then standards . So those four things . Usually there's a good state , a good story to tell yourself , a good standard to have and a good strategy to have in the way in which you approach it , approach it . But if you're in a bad state and you're telling yourself a negative story and you have a negative standard or a standard that's way in conflict and your strategy's off , you're about to burn that relationship to the ground and you better , you better stop drop and roll it doesn't take a lot , you .

Kevin Palmieri 14:18

You can work years and years , and years and years to cultivate an amazing relationship and you can mess it up in three seconds . Yep , yep .

Alan Lazaros 14:25

Jenga tower is what we use at relationship talks , coaching we we say the Jenga tower , you can take out one block . The whole thing can topple even though it took you 10 years to build .

Kevin Palmieri 14:35

Well , and that's why stuff like this is so valuable . And again , this is Brene's work , not mine , but it's . It is something that we , taryn and I , have been using for years on and off , obviously , because I completely forgot about it until she said it , but anytime we're having challenging moments , there's always something like this . It's essentially saying let's try to take ourselves out of it for a second and let's just talk about how we're feeling . Let's not make any assumptions on the other person . Let's just talk about how we're feeling and then we'll see what's real . Let's admit that we're in an emotional state and we'll go from there . What's your wrap up before we get out of ?

Why growth-minded relationships matter

Alan Lazaros 15:07

here . That was it . State story strategy standards . What of those are in conflict in your relationship and , if so , what can you do about it ?

Kevin Palmieri 15:17

I forgot to do a Thursday , so for episode 1900 , Thursday was Thanksgiving . So happy Thanksgiving to anybody that celebrates Thanksgiving . Gratitude I'll be . Just know I've eaten a lot of turkey and many side dishes and desserts .

Alan Lazaros 15:31

And we usually do gratitude .

Kevin Palmieri 15:32

Happy Thanksgiving . We usually do a gratitude episode on yeah .

Alan Lazaros 15:35

Right here at Jeffin , we did actually share a lot of gratitudes in episode 1900 we did . Grateful for the team , grateful for the listeners . Yeah , so we Well the story .

Kevin Palmieri 15:43

I'm telling myself , maybe that was unconscious . Yeah , the story , I'm telling myself is we got lucky that it happened to be 1900 and Thanksgiving on the same day .

Alan Lazaros 15:52

You did it . No , I didn't .

Kevin Palmieri 15:54

I can't take credit for that the story Alan's telling himself is it was him .

Alan Lazaros 16:00

He did it all . It was him .

Kevin Palmieri 16:01

It's all good , All right . Next Level Nation if you are , I'm just shutting off my timer . If you are looking for a group of like-minded humans who are into growth and self-improvement and relationship stuff like this , I know there might be some groups where people would laugh at you if you talked about this . That'll never happen in any groups that we are a part of or leading . Next Level Nation is a great place for you . A private Facebook group . We'll have the link in the show notes below .

Alan Lazaros 16:23

Change your story change your life what I think . I thought that that was the end of the episode . I forgot . If you want to come to book club , it's every Saturday . You want to come to monthly meetups ? Both the registration links will be in the show notes . The next meetup , I believe , is about how to set and align your goals for 2025 . No , no , no , oh , it's about core limiting beliefs .

Kevin Palmieri 16:48

There's three main core limiting beliefs .

Alan Lazaros 16:50

I think in January we're going to do one about setting goals , so December is going to be core limiting beliefs , the three core limiting beliefs and how to overcome them .

Kevin Palmieri 16:57

I believe it is how to discover and overcome your deepest limiting beliefs . Thursday , december 5th , from 5 to 6 pm Eastern Standard .

Alan Lazaros 17:07

Time . We have a digital asset that we created and this is going to be a very powerful discovery process of what is your core limiting belief . Kevin and I over the years have realized that he and I have different core limiting beliefs and we kind of trigger each other and luckily we've worked through that well . But it's really been quite an unlock to realize that each core limiting belief has a different sort of recipe of how to overcome it , and that's what that event is going to be about . So the registration link will be in the show notes and if you want to join book club , that will be there as well . Boom .

Outro

Kevin Palmieri 17:36

As always , we love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you .

Alan Lazaros 17:46

And at N , we don't have fans , we have family . We will talk to you all tomorrow .

Kevin Palmieri 17:48

Change your story , Change your life Next up the nation . Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University . We love connecting with the Next Level family .

Alan Lazaros 17:55

We mean it when we say family . If you ever need anything , please reach out to us directly . Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes .

Kevin Palmieri 18:05

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow .