Next Level University

The 3 Types Of Conversations (1905)

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Effective communication is an art that many strive to master. In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros unpack our three types of conversations and how mastering them can transform relationships and self-awareness. Learn how to ask better questions, listen more effectively, and use curiosity to connect with others meaningfully. Whether you’re striving for personal growth or want more engaging conversations, this episode will leave you with tools you can use today.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
Free-30 Minute Coaching Call with Alan: https://bit.ly/4f3MSUz

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NLU is not just a podcast; it’s a gateway to a wealth of resources designed to help you achieve your goals and dreams. From our Next Level Dreamliner to our Group Coaching, we offer a variety of tools and communities to support your personal development journey.

For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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Any of these communities or resources are FREE to join and consume
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
Next Level 5 To Thrive (free course) - ​​https://bit.ly/3xffver
Next Level U Book Club - https://bit.ly/3BQBYDr
Next Level Monthly Meet-up:  https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/

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We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email. We’re here to support you in your personal and professional development journey.

Instagram 📷
Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Facebook ✍
Alan: https://www.facebook.com/alan.lazaros
Kevin: https://www.facebook.com/kevin.palmieri.90/

Email 💬
Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

LinkedIn ✍
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(2:13) Overview of the three types of conversations
(4:14) What it means to be a “super communicator.”
(8:26) Breaking down Solver, Supporter, and Existential conversations
(14:36) At NLU, we want you to win! So, we’re giving tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month at 5 PM. https://a.co/d/9fPpxEt
(17:52) Challenges of staying present in conversations
(23:03) Practical way to improve your communication
(25:09) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Kevin Palmieri

there was no requirement that it has to be constructive in this direction or it has to be wrapped up at the end with certainty. That wasn't there. That's not philosophy. When you're philosophizing, you don't necessarily come to a concrete conclusion.

Alan Lazaros

You come to a thesis, a theory, and then you explore that, and so, for me, the one that I'm not nearly as good at is the listening and just kind of letting someone talk, just to connect, without the desire to learn more. Because for me, I'm always trying to learn. I learned a bunch this past week. A lot of it's useless, but I think some of it will connect to other things.

Kevin Palmieri

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri.

Alan Lazaros

And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.

Kevin Palmieri

At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from completely free.

Kevin Palmieri

Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number, I'm out here jeffing 1,905, the three types of conversations. Alan came to me today just fired up, said hey man, I learned some cool stuff over the weekend. And I said, alright, yeah. And he said we should do an episode on it. And I said, alright, yeah, and I said I don't really know anything about it because you just told me about it. So I'm going to kick it to you. And this is me kicking it to Alan right now.

Alan Lazaros

Well, you do kind of know about it because in the group coaching program we talk about a solver versus a supporter, which talks about sort of the two types of conversations, but I digress. So on Sundays I try really hard to have them be learning days. I'm trying to be like a sponge on Sundays and a lot of times it's really frustrating for me to try to find good content. But yesterday was one of the best learning days I've ever had. It was just TED talk after TED talk after speech after book. It was just awesome. And I came across a TED talk by Charles Duhigg. He has a book that I've started. I haven't finished it. It's I'm probably a quarter of the way through. It's called Super Communicators by Charles Duhigg, and I refer to Amy Lennius as a Amy on the team, as a super communicator In book club. I've said that several times and I don't. I don't know if I'm one or not. I think I am.

Alan Lazaros

And again, it doesn't mean I'm I still need a lot of work in communication, but there's certain people who you know are going to be good coaches. There's certain people who you know I'll never forget this. When we were at the Airbnb, I believe this could focus, and she was going to take the show she was going to host, and so I would imagine that Amy, if she were ever to host something at her house, she would be a great host because she's a super communicator. She can connect with anyone and for anyone out there who feels like a super communicator, what? What I believe you're good at and I believe I'm good at not always, especially not if I'm triggered, but what I believe you're good at and I believe I'm good at not always, especially not if I'm triggered, but what I believe I'm good at because in college I used to call myself a chameleon. I could fit in with anyone. In high school. I was friends with the jocks. I was friends with the nerds. I was friends with the video gamers. I was friends with the goths. I was friends with the guitarists. I was friends with all the different groups. I was a chameleon. And in college I actually lost myself because I was friends with too many people and I was too many different versions of myself. So if you've ever felt like you are a chameleon and you can fit in anywhere, most likely you are a super communicator.

Alan Lazaros

Now, according to Charles Duhigg, there's three types of conversations that you're always having. The conversations that Kevin and I have on this podcast are almost always two of the three. So the first type of conversation is practical. It is the solver. It is I have a problem, let's identify the root cause of that problem and then let's work on it, let's strategize, let's solve it. The second type of conversation and this is most of so we're getting off of Thanksgiving week in the U? S and last week I was in South Carolina and one of the things that is challenging for me is most of my life is self-improvement, self-development, personal growth. Most of it is solving problems and or deeper understanding and or deeper understanding. I don't really do as well anymore with the conversations that are don't have a ton of substance deep conversations, and in this Ted talk, charles Duhigg talks about deep questions. Instead of asking hey, how are you, and Kevin saying great you, I would say hey, how do you feel about your progress lately? How do you?

Kevin Palmieri

feel about your progress lately. Go ahead, oh, very strong to semi-strong, I would say. Okay, okay, why do you feel that way? You know, just been doing it, you know just waking up and doing it. I would say Can you?

Alan Lazaros

answer the actual question.

Kevin Palmieri

I feel yeah, I feel very good. I feel like we've made a lot of progress. I feel like we are getting to a new level of responsibility and a new level of opportunity which are both exciting, slash scary at the same time.

Alan Lazaros

So I was telling Kev earlier, before we recorded this episode, that I jump on every coaching call, every team meeting, not with answers, but with questions. I'll never forget this past. Two weeks ago I met with Ron. She's the director of Next Level Podcast Solutions and I remember thinking in the morning, I'm prepping for my day. I looked at my calendar. It was overwhelming. I was like, okay, ron's my first meeting. I'm going to prep, in my mind, and I was like I'm just going to come with a notebook. She's going to come with an empty notebook. I'm going to ask her how things are going, because I don't. I'm not going to come with answers, I don't know what's going on. I'm I'm not going to come in as some dictator who says we're going to do this, this and this. I'm going to come with curiosity and questions and the curiosity component. I do that with every call. I was just on a call earlier. It's hey, catch me up, how are you doing? My one of my clients just moved from Dubai to LA How's LA? And then I'm gathering information, gathering information, gathering information why? Because I'm trying to figure out where to take the session. What is a bottleneck? I'm trying to identify a bottleneck. So when you ask with curiosity, is a bottleneck? I'm trying to identify a bottleneck. So when you ask, with curiosity, deep questions, people will reveal to you what they need in that moment.

Alan Lazaros

Now this requires you to be very others conscious, not self-conscious. I think self-conscious people who are very insecure have a really hard time being super communicators, and so you got to be careful because if you are a super communicator, you also most likely lose yourself when you're around too many people. Like last week was very hard for me. It was a lot of people under one roof, it was. I kind of lost myself a bit. I had to go sort of run away and get back into my bubble and find myself again. Because I'm constantly asking about other people. Sometimes I feel like I help other people with their life more than I work on my own, and that's my nature as a coach.

Alan Lazaros

That said, you start off with curiosity. You figure out which conversation you're in. The first conversation you might be in is problem solver. Second conversation you might be in is the most common one, which I kind of suck at a little bit, especially lately, which is people just want to be heard. They don't want a solution, they just want to be heard. They just want to vent.

Breaking down Solver, Supporter, and Existential conversations

Alan Lazaros

And then the third one is existential conversations. These are the deep meaning conversations. These are the ones that I do most of the time with you, which is I don't just want to talk to you, kev, I want to figure out about myself, about you, about the world, about others, about how it works and why it works that way. I want to figure out about myself, about you, about the world, about others, about how it works and why it works that way. I need to understand. These are the deeper understanding conversations.

Alan Lazaros

So conversation one is practical solver. Conversation two is supporter, which is just be there to listen. That's what most people actually want. And then number three is existential, which is let's get a deeper understanding about ourselves and about the world so that we can make more effective decisions moving forward. And those are the three types of conversations. And if you want to be a super connector and you want to be able to super communicate effectively with all different walks of life, you're going to have to come in with curiosity, ask a deep question and then figure out where that person's at what?

Kevin Palmieri

what do you think of if you, if you require one more, does that mean that's the one that you are weakest at? So if you, you are someone where you come to me and you and I are talking and I you, I just let you talk most of the time and then maybe I'll try to bring something up if I feel like I have value to bring in that moment. But usually it's just let you talk. I have clients where I've talked about this many times. I have a client who's a therapist and I therapize. We just therapize together and she'll literally start the call on a 20 minute rant Nice, and I just sit there and listen and I'll make a noise and then at the end she'll say what, what's your take on all that kind of like? You do so, say okay, the floor is yours, and then we'll just do that for pretty much the entire time she does really well.

Alan Lazaros

It was. Whichever one you need the most is the one that you do the least kind of like love languages potential potential.

Alan Lazaros

Yeah, that that was my potential thesis because with love languages, a lot of times what we're giving is what we actually want to receive. So in this case, you're probably really good at one, decent at one and then really bad at one all of us. The one that I'm not as good at is people who just want to be heard. They just want to talk. Some people just want to complain. They don't want a solution. To me it's as an engineer, it's let's find the root cause of this and solve it, or let's find a deeper understanding. Some people actually just want to talk to talk well that's really hard for me.

Kevin Palmieri

Not everybody's willing to sign up for the soul level. That's's what I'm trying to make. I'm trying to make the third one soul, soul level.

Alan Lazaros

I call them bobbers, people who can't go beneath the surface much. You know that quote it's really well known which is you can only meet someone as far as you've met yourself. And so with Emilia, she had met herself much deeper than I had met myself, and so I started doing therapy and I've really caught up a lot. But I was on with a client recently they have two young kids and I said I don't really know how to talk to kids because they came in like oh, hi and hey, I have no idea how, how she's like just talk to them like they're humans. It's like, uh, I just get all weird people get all weird around kids. I have no idea what to say to a four-year-old you ask them what?

Kevin Palmieri

what their favorite? Who's your favorite marvel character? No, I think I asked what's your favorite subject in school.

Alan Lazaros

I don't think they're in school yet that's an l, that's a big l right there big l, but they can't go super deep because they don't have that deep of awareness. You and I can go deep, and can you? Would you be willing to share what it was like? I remember one of the reasons you wanted to hang out with me in the beginning was because I could talk deeper than most people.

Kevin Palmieri

I enjoyed having hyper-conscious conversations and there were people in my life at the time who I won't say they made fun of me, they jokingly made fun of me. They weren't super into the philosophical, super deep conversations that I wanted to have. So when you and I would hang out we would talk about like all sorts of random, just deep it. It didn't even seem like it could matter in any way, but it mattered in all the ways. Just didn't seem like it, like just philosophical, just deep stuff about everything. And I think it's I don't know. There's a permission to be, there's a permission to throw something against the wall and see if it sticks or not. I mean, you and I have had a lot of deep conversations but, like, what do you think about this? Do you think that's a thing Based on this, this, that, like, do you think that could possibly be a thing? So I think it made me. I think it was two things. I think it made me feel smart and stupid at the same time.

Alan Lazaros

But it gave me an opportunity.

Kevin Palmieri

No, in the other order Probably the other order but in my own way, though I felt smart if I could keep up. So it's not, I never I don't know. It's not that I ever felt dumb. I never left feeling like I was. I never left feeling bad. It's like, oh, you don't really know anything.

Kevin Palmieri

That happened later when we started interviewing people. That's, I was like, oh, this isn't great, but it was more the fact that we could just explore through deep conversation. There was no requirement that it has to be constructive in this direction or it has to be wrapped up at the end with certainty. That wasn't there. That's not philosophy. When you're philosophizing, you don't necessarily come to a concrete conclusion. You come to a thesis, a theory, and then you explore that. So I think that was. What was exciting for me is I wanted to talk about cool shit that I felt like nobody in my circle was really talking about, because it didn't really seem to matter. I wanted to talk about what kept people up at night. I wanted to talk about that stuff, and it requires a certain person that's willing to have that conversation with you, and you were always open for those conversations. So it was always. It was always super fun for me yeah, it's.

At NLU, we want you to win! So, we're giving tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month at 5 PM.

Alan Lazaros

It's very important to ask why. Well, why does that keep you up? Oh well, why does that keep you? Well, maybe this and so, but it's heavy though, that's the thing, yeah nlu listener what is happening? I just wanted to jump in here and let you know if you want to get to the next level faster. We have a free virtual monthly meetup at the first thursday of every month. You can connect with like-minded people and become a bigger part of this amazing global community. The link to register will be in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri

I think we I sent I sent a message to Alan the other day and I said hey, I think we've lost sight a little bit of of how capable we are in, uh, how capable we are of pouring into other people's lives, because we've just done a lot of work behind the scenes on pouring into our own lives. And I think when you grow and evolve and your self-improvement set point increases, you're just able to give more, like there's just more to give and it's not. I'm not. I don't get as tired from giving and it's not. I don't get as overwhelmed as I used to when I'm giving.

Kevin Palmieri

And I think another another thing that it's easy for us to lose sight of is not everybody wants to have the super deep, life-altering, awareness-shifting conversations all the time Because there's a recovery. It's like a hard workout. Yeah, you can go do five hard workouts in a row and then, as you do them, you kind of need less recovery time. In theory, you should probably get enough, but you can go back and you can get after it again. I think it's similar to that.

Alan Lazaros

In bodybuilding or fitness physique building, there's something called DOMS delayed onset, muscle soreness and when Emilia and I first started doing fitness together five years ago, I was already far into into my journey and she was into muay thai but not weight training, and she would get way worse doms than me now. Is that because her workouts were better? Maybe I think it's more because my body has adapted. Like I have doms from yesterday's leg day, but not that bad I mean, I remember when I first started lifting, it was ridiculous, yeah it.

Kevin Palmieri

Yeah, it was terrible.

Alan Lazaros

And now I barely even get sore, and I think part of that is because I'm not working out hard enough. The other part is because my body has adapted. But ultimately, that's very true. What conversation are you used to having? What conversation do you need to probably have more, and what conversation are you decent at? So if I were to do this for Kevin and myself and for anyone watching or listening, it would be okay. Which one am I really good at? I would say the existential one. I love. I can't.

Challenges of staying present in conversations

Alan Lazaros

I have a hard time these days having a conversation where there there isn't a goal to to understand something or someone. More like we saw dolphins in south carolina. It's a lot of the conversations were very surface level, conversations about a lot of things that, in my opinion, don't really matter that much, and I guess now I understand that it's just to kind of connect, just to for the sake of connection, rather than to like learn something Right, yeah, yes, yes, uh. And so for me, the one that I'm not nearly as good at is the listening and just kind of letting someone talk, just to connect, without the desire to learn more, because for me, I'm always trying to learn. I learned a bunch this past week. A lot of it's useless, but I think some of it will connect to other things.

Alan Lazaros

And, like, I've figured out that rome was 1.9 million square miles at its peak because we were talking about Gladiator 2, and then I looked it up. One of the reasons I looked it up is because someone said something that I thought was wrong and I needed to go find out the truth. But ultimately there's the conversation to be heard, just to connect. There's the conversation that would be the shoulder. Someone just wants a shoulder to lean on or to talk to. The other one is the solver, which is I actually want to strategize about this problem, identify the root cause and solve it. And then the third one is I want to understand myself and the world at a deeper level. That's the one that I'm doing all the time, because you usually can't solve much if you don't understand yourself or the world at a deeper level.

Kevin Palmieri

What do you think mine is?

Alan Lazaros

What is usually can't solve much if you don't understand yourself or the world at a deeper level. What do you think mine is? What is my weakest? One didn't jump off the page necessarily immediately for you. I don't know if you're as good at and again, this is through my lens of me being probably pretty good I would say root cause analysis is one of my strengths. I would say so, and I think that's not for you. Like you'll come to me. Kevin's panic move is is call me, and he'll come to me when there's something that's too complex to like figure out, and I I don't make that wrong, but I think your weakest is probably identifying the root cause of something, even though you're actually still better than most about that.

Kevin Palmieri

Maybe well, you're the person I come to when I essentially. You're the person I come to when I can't solve my problems or the people I'm trying to help problems.

Alan Lazaros

So you're the, you're the final boss I call in I appreciate it, I, so I should probably call you that, because as a coach, that's really what people well, you reverse engineer.

Kevin Palmieri

reverse engineer, that's I'm. I'm not. That's not what people want. Well, you're a reverse engineer. Reverse engineer, that's not my jam, necessarily. I'm way better than I used to be, for sure, I'm way better than I used to be. I feel like the one that you're really good at receiving might be the one that you suck at, I think.

Alan Lazaros

I'm really good at listening. I think the one you're really good at is listening yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

But how often do you ask me a question and then I give you a five-minute monologue where you have to listen? Almost never.

Alan Lazaros

No, not, not. I think you're a really good supporter, but some people want feedback. Of course, I know that I can and again, I'm not trying to project. Kev says that people love when you tell them about them. I would argue that sometimes you know you're probably there to support Taryn all the time, but sometimes she probably wants actual solutions from you and she's probably digging for them.

Kevin Palmieri

No, well, that's why I ask, that's why I ask the question.

Alan Lazaros

Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

You want support, want a strategy.

Alan Lazaros

I think you're good at the existential one as well.

Kevin Palmieri

That's probably my favorite.

Alan Lazaros

I like listening.

Kevin Palmieri

But I also. The thing for me is you could put me in a room with anyone and I'll try to have a really cool conversation To me. I like practicing. When we went to Thanksgiving and one of Taryn's uncles is a musician and playing music for a long time, and just one of those guys just has a lot of awesome stories and likes to talk, it's like awesome, cool. This is going to be an easy conversation for me. I'll just ask a couple of questions. I'll pull the string. We're going to be fine, and one of the questions I asked was what's the long-term goal? Like you're playing more music than you have. You're getting opportunity. Like what's what are you? Why are you doing all this? Are you just doing it?

Alan Lazaros

because you like it, or that's existential, I would say, and it was a deep question.

Kevin Palmieri

But but he was very open and very and very receptive and to me it's always like I try to treat everything like a podcast interview, always that's what, always thinking Like what's a cool question that either I want to know or I feel like this person's never been asked before. I like that. I like that stuff.

Alan Lazaros

Asking and answering questions is not only how you connect with human beings, but it's also how you connect with yourself. It's how you think Last piece. I know we got to jump. I was on with Nikita shout out to you earlier today and she had just moved from Dubai to LA and I asked her I have it written in my notebook and I love this question what are the top three things that you love about LA? Because I was in LA in my early 20s and I visited many a time and what are the top three things you can't fucking stand Like.

Alan Lazaros

I need to know that answer because it's so cool to learn from other people's experiences. You don't have to go to LA and learn what sucks. You can just ask someone. It's such a cheat code man. I always ask this question. You've heard me do this behind the scenes. It's what would someone in your industry, what would someone who's not in your industry never find out unless they were in your industry for a decade? I find out so much cool stuff and one of the bodybuilding ones that I give is if you look healthy backstage, you're gonna lose on stage. That's you're in trouble. Yeah, you're in trouble if you look healthy. I remember I showed up to my fitness events that I lost and I looked very healthy backstage. It's not a good sign. Yeah, not a good sign. If you're not looking sickly, you're pretty much screwed under those lights.

Practical way to improve your communication

Kevin Palmieri

Yeah, you're in trouble.

Alan Lazaros

Sun's coming in my window, but yeah so those are the three types of conversations Existential, which is deep, deep, deep being heard, which is solver. You want to strategize about an actual solution. Identify the root cause of problem sometimes it's hard with you because I want looking for a solver, but it's not that yeah sometimes that sucks I think that's what I'm supposed to lean into is being more of a solver and less of an existentialist that makes me sad well practice on me.

Alan Lazaros

Awesome, that's awesome news yeah, because people ask me questions. They actually want the how they don't want to know I'm all for.

Kevin Palmieri

I'm all for re-existing sorry, re-examining my entire life through a three millimeter scope in the next five minutes. I'm all for it. I'll do it every day. Do it every day, but five step, five steps would be cool too, sounds good as well in in coordination with agreed, I would like, I would like meat and potatoes yeah, and veggies not really yeah, he really always asks you want a salad?

Alan Lazaros

no, no yeah, I should, though, so I do throw some croutons on that bad Larry.

Kevin Palmieri

Got to you, throw some. We have some rosemary croutons, eat those by themselves.

Kevin Palmieri

That probably means it's not. It's probably negating the benefits of the salad. Unfortunately Not. Probably, maybe, Definitely, possibly Next level nation. If you want to have deep conversations that make you re-examine your entire life, no, it won't happen. Often, sometimes, in Next Level Nation, we have those questions, but oftentimes it's something easy that will boost self-awareness. That will get you off to a good start on that day. We don't want you to have to re-examine your life every day. We have a private Facebook group called next level nation. Conversations like that happening all the time. We would love to have you.

Alan Lazaros

Link will be in the show notes and if you want to align your goals, metrics, habits, skills and identity to make sure that you achieve your dreams and are fulfilled and successful, reach out.

Outro

Kevin Palmieri

I would love to help boom as always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and at n NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow. Talk to you soon. Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host