Resistance Doesn’t Mean Misalignment (1906)

Ever feel like your goals are harder to reach than they should be? In this episode, Kevin and Alan discuss how resistance often masks fear and isn’t always a sign you’re off track. They break down simple ways to tell if resistance pushes you toward growth or holds you back. Learn how to focus on what truly matters, embrace the “hard but necessary” tasks, and build confidence with small, consistent steps. Whether you’re working on your career, fitness, or personal goals, this episode is packed with practical tips to help you stay on course and choose progress over excuses. Don’t miss this empowering conversation!

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Show notes:
(2:22) Redefining alignment and resistance
(6:45) Want Vs. Supposed to: Making smarter choices
(8:50) Logical excuses and overcoming them
(12:08) Balancing rest and work
(13:27) At NLU, we want you to win! So, we’re giving tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month at 5 PM. https://a.co/d/9fPpxEt
(18:28) How small choices shape long-

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri 0:00

You have to stop the negative momentum, reset, then start the positive momentum. But it's hard because then you almost feel like you're not making any momentum. But in reality isn't it better to? You want to make the optimal decision, and sometimes the optimal decision is not the thing you want to do, even if it's the thing that feels like it's in the right direction, based on the outcomes that you're trying to get.

Alan Lazaros 0:20

Sometimes you're R&Ring and you know I am supposed to be working right now. Sometimes you're R&Ring and you know I am supposed to be working right now and you've got to listen to the supposed to's more than the want to's you do, otherwise you will never be fulfilled. The harder road for me is to actually not lift tonight. The easy road. The old Alan would have been like you know what Screw it. I'm taking the test, I'm going to the gym, I'm going to go late night to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri 0:44

I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri.

Alan Lazaros 0:46

And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.

Kevin Palmieri 0:49

At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros 0:55

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri 1:02

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros 1:18

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Kevin Palmieri 1:24

Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1906, resistance doesn't mean misalignment. A couple ways I want to go in this. Alan and I have coached a lot of people at this point and Alan does a lot more business and peak performance coaching than I do and relationship coaching and I predominantly am doing podcast slash, podcast business coaching. But it's something I've heard many times is that's not in alignment or that's outside of alignment. And while I think sometimes that's true, I think oftentimes the definition of alignment might not actually be what the person thinks it is and we'll dive into that.

Kevin Palmieri 2:22

But I shared this on the team call we had last week. I saw this post on social media and again, I am the effing worst when it comes to remembering where I saw it. To give the person. There's a guy named Steven Pressfield, I think. Have you mentioned him? He's an author. I'm on it. I believe that's who it was. He was on a podcast. I don't know the name of the podcast, but I think it was Steven Pressfield and I'm pretty sure it was him. Sounds familiar. Yeah, he said, anytime you set a goal.

Kevin Palmieri 2:54

So let's say right now, for those just listening, I'm holding up a you Are my Sunshine mug. I love you to the moon and back. I think I got this for Taryn, for birthday or some holiday. When you put a cup down, the cup is the goal and let's say that the sun is in front of the cup and on the back end of the cup it casts a shadow. The goal remains the same. The goal is the mug. The shadow is all the resistance, it's all the limiting beliefs, it's all the stuff that you don't want to do. It's all the that you don't want to do. It's all the fears you don't want to face, it's the boundary you don't want to set, the conversations you don't want to have. It's that usually the shadow is bigger than the mug, depending on where the sun is in the sky. Again, I'm not a astrologist or whoever would know this, but I I really like.

Kevin Palmieri 3:43

I really like that perspective, because when you set the goal, you also are unintentionally or intentionally signing up for all the stuff that comes with that. What might be out of alignment today might not be out of alignment in a month. It might not actually be out of alignment, it just might might be scary. So Alan said to me that he was talking to someone and they said I'm not sure if that's in alignment. And I said well, what does that mean? In alignment with what? Do you feel like it's in alignment with the goal? Is it out of alignment because you're afraid to do it currently? Is it out of alignment because it's morally and ethically out of alignment? That's a different conversation.

Kevin Palmieri 4:26

But I thought it would be a powerful conversation to talk about that, because resistance disguises itself as misalignment. It disguises itself as well. I don't ever want to do sales, because sales is sleazy. Well, that doesn't mean that you learning that skill and eventually getting people to buy a product or service that's actually going to help them and solve their problems that's not out of alignment, right? Well, no, well, it's my relationship with the sales that feels out of alignment. Okay, cool, let's have that conversation. So, yeah, I thought it'd be a cool episode to do.

Alan Lazaros 5:01

I think a lot of people, when they say that's out of alignment, what they really mean. I'm going to use an interesting, two interesting examples. We did a group coaching session earlier where I did a training essentially on the business star branding, marketing, sales, delivery and community and it's the first time I've ever given it and it's a lot more in depth than that, obviously, but these are the five things that I think you need to master to level up your business. And I told Kev I didn't want to do that. He's like well, what do you mean? I I was on with a client recently and I said is this something you're supposed to do or is this something you want to do? She said I think it's something I'm supposed to do or is this something you want to do? She said I think it's something I'm supposed to do, but I actually don't want to do it. That I think, and I said this. I said that means you're on the path. Some people have a job, some people have a career, some people have a calling. I think all of us have a calling. We just might not know it. And when someone says that's out of alignment, they might mean that's out of alignment with what I feel like doing right now. That doesn't mean it's out of alignment on the macro. That doesn't mean it's out of alignment with your path or your calling. You've done how many things out of alignment with what you wanted to do in order to get successful. So, right same.

Want Vs. Supposed to: Making smarter choices

Alan Lazaros 6:15

So the emily and I, we got dominoes this past week and we hammered a full pizza each and and we've been yeah, I mean okay, you respect it, I appreciate it. That isn't in alignment with my fitness goals fully. It's not fully out of alignment because, honestly, it was a big leg day and we're good and we eat once a day and we're fasting and the point is it's not optimal. So it's not something I'm supposed to do. I didn't wake up in the morning going, you know I feel like it's in alignment I'm supposed to do.

Alan Lazaros 6:45

I didn't wake up in the morning going, you know I feel like it's in alignment with my calling to get a full pizza tonight. No, no, no. It was in alignment with what I felt like doing. I felt like watching Star Wars and eating a whole fucking pizza with Emilia in our home theater Awesome, that's what I wanted to do. That's not what I was supposed to do. What I was probably supposed to do is go to bed at 10, eat a healthy meal and wake up the next day, not three minutes before my first freaking call. I'm being playful. The point that I'm making is that all of us have a supposed to do feeling and what we want to do.

Alan Lazaros 7:20

And those are not always the same. Sometimes they are. Sometimes what I'm supposed to do and what I want to do are the same. A lot of times not really. And I coach enough people at this point to realize listen, when you say it's out of alignment, is it out of alignment with the goal, or is it out of alignment with what you feel like doing right now? Or is it out of alignment with your comfort zone, in which case we need to lean into this and have courage and give it a shot with your comfort zone, in which case we need to lean into this and have courage and give it a shot. And I think that a lot of people mistake oh, this isn't aligned for me with. Actually, deep down, I'm afraid to do this and I'm convincing myself that I shouldn't have to do it when in reality, your true self, your best self, your next level self, I think, is saying you really should go for it.

Logical excuses and overcoming them

Kevin Palmieri 8:12

Well, I think it takes experience to be able to tell the difference, Because when you're afraid to do something, you get a lot of really good excuses. I do. When I don't want to do something, there's a million Like well, I could just send an email instead of call. They'll get back to me when they're ready. They're probably not going to answer the phone anyway. Nobody answers the phone anymore. I'll send them an email. They probably check their emails more often than they check their phones. And then you just come up with a list of excuses, because having the excuses is easier than doing the thing in the first place. But I think a lot of excuses sound very logical when they come from a place of scarcity. And I'm telling you, now more than ever, that's another thing I say often.

Kevin Palmieri 8:50

Now more than ever, I do believe the whole journey of this whole weird thing called life is you fix, fix. You work on internal voids creates external opportunities. You don't want to do the external opportunity, so you have to work on another internal void. Then you do the external opportunity and it creates a lot more external opportunities. But in order to actually capture those, you have to do the internal work again, and it's just this cycle that I think perpetuates for as long as you are committed to growth.

Kevin Palmieri 9:23

And when you dip your toe, I think a good analogy is, when you're injured, the difference between having a tweak and having an injury and then going to the gym. When you have a tweak, you know, okay, either I'll do different exercises or I'll work around it today, or I won't go as heavy as I was going to. You know, when you have an injury, sometimes you have to stop yourself from going to the gym. Sometimes, when you have a tweak, you have to make yourself go to the gym. That's a whole nother thing, but that comes through. That comes through time.

Kevin Palmieri 9:56

When my back is tight, I know I shouldn't squat as heavy, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't necessarily go to the gym. So I think there's a lot of. It just requires the experience of doing the thing, getting to the other side and then saying, based on the feelings that I had before I did it, based on the feelings that I have now, after I've done it, do I think it was aligned, misaligned, or the feelings made me decide it was misaligned, or the feelings made me decide it was misaligned when it wasn't. I think you need the, you need a before and after to have perspective. You can't, really, I don't think you can have perspective unless you have a before and after.

Alan Lazaros 10:37

But if you, so I always talk about how the things that you want to do that are good in the moment but maybe not best for you long-term, not aligned with your best self, they feel really good in the moment but you often regret them Versus things you're supposed to do are hard in the moment but you never regret them. You actually get fulfillment. So, going back to that group coaching session, I didn't want to do it but I'm grateful I did did because, while it was uncomfortable and at some points I got really red, I'm grateful that I did it, not because it went well, even though it did, but because I know I was supposed to do it. That's growth. Yeah, emilia and I. It's late right now it's 8, 18, my voice is prettyarse. I've been back to backs pretty much all day podcasts and coaching sessions and group coaching.

Alan Lazaros 11:33

And Emilia, I texted her earlier because we're going to go to the gym and this is a really good example of supposed to versus want to. She said gym together or no? Because? Because I said tonight's going to be a late night, she said copy that, no worries, I'll do kitchen woman, gym together or no, she's making food tonight. I said I still want to go and I put the muscle things up and then, right after I said, nope, I need a pivot. Dot dot dot sucks, but that's more intelligent. She gave me a heart and said copy that, love, love. Thank you for letting me know way to be humble.

Alan Lazaros 12:08

What she's trying to say there is. What I want to do is go to the gym. I do. I want to weight train. I really do what I'm supposed to do to make sure my throat doesn't stay sore and I don't get bad sleep and I don't over push myself. I'm supposed to go for a walk and then crush it tomorrow.

Alan Lazaros 12:27

Sometimes you're supposed to R&R, sometimes you're R&Ring and you know, you know I am supposed to be working right now and you've got to listen to the supposed to is more than the want to is you do. Otherwise you will never be fulfilled. The easy road, the harder road for me, is to actually not lift tonight. The easy road would the old Allen would have been like you know what Screw it.

Alan Lazaros 12:52

I'm taking the Tesla, I'm going to the gym, I'm going to go late night, even without her, I'm going to go to bed late and then tomorrow's going to suck because I have a big day tomorrow. And, by the way before. I texted her that and said I'm going to not go to the gym, I'm going to be humble. She said way to be humble. I looked at my calendar and I saw tomorrow and I was like, if I go to the gym tonight and I get home at 10, I'm going to want to eat food. I'm not going to get maybe 11 30, and then I'm gonna wake up and tomorrow's gonna suck and I'm gonna be less for the team, I'm gonna be less for my clients, I'm gonna be less for the business, I'm gonna be less for her. So I'm gonna go for a walk tonight and I'm gonna make up for it later.

Alan Lazaros 13:27

Nlu, listener, what is happening? I just wanted to jump in here and let you know if you want to get to the next level faster. We have a free virtual monthly meetup at the first Thursday of every month. You can connect with like-minded people and become a bigger part of this amazing global community. The link to register will be in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri 13:48

Well, I think that's hard versus smart work. I think that's a really good example of hard work versus smart work, because I had the same thing Last night versus smart work. Because I had the same thing Last night. We had a. We had a client ask for a quick turnaround thing and I said yes, and I said I'll figure it out. Whatever, if the team can't do it, I'll figure it out because it's a very quick turnaround.

Kevin Palmieri 14:08

So I planned on getting up at five. I set my alarm for five and I told you I just could not sleep to save my life, I just for some reason, I couldn't sleep. I didn't fall asleep until probably 1130 or midnight. I woke up at 330 and my alarm went off at five, like it was supposed to, and I had a moment where it's like I'm gonna, I feel so guilty that I'm not getting up. So what would the best version of Kevin do? That's that. Was it the best version of Kev?

Kevin Palmieri 14:37

I went and checked my phone. Don't do this. Don't go check your phone at 5 am Not good, but this is where we're at right now. There's a lot of stuff happening. There's a lot of good stuff happening in the business. And I saw the team and they said we're on it. And I was like, okay, awesome, I appreciate it, I'm going to work my way through this, I'm going to figure this out. And I said, all right, well, I'm going to go back to bed.

Kevin Palmieri 14:58

And then I went back to bed and I struggled to fall back asleep. I was going to sleep until 6. I struggled to fall back asleep, so I ended up sleeping for like a half hour and I said, all right, I'm going to set my alarm for 8, and I'm going to sleep until 8. And then I slept until 8, and I said I'm going to give myself another half Quick 30 minutes. But that was all, with the understanding that Alan and I are going to be recording late and I'm not going to go to the gym.

Kevin Palmieri 15:26

But hopefully I can reset. I'll reset my sleep schedule. I'm very tired. I'll get some good sleep tonight. Tomorrow I can get up and then do the whole thing over. I think sometimes you just have to reset, then do the whole thing over. I think sometimes you just have to reset. You have to stop the negative momentum, reset, then start the positive momentum. But it's hard because then you almost feel like you're not making any momentum, but in reality, isn't it better to you want to make the optimal decision, and sometimes the optimal decision is not the thing you want to do, even if it's the thing that feels like it's in the right direction, based on the outcomes that you're trying to get?

Alan Lazaros 16:02

Now let's imagine you did get great sleep and then the alarm goes off at 5 am. What would best version of Kevin do? Get his ass up, do the thing and go to the gym. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But circumstances people always ask and they say well, you know, how are you so consistent with fitness? And one of the reasons why I'm so consistent Emily and I passed a thousand days is because we can flex. She asked Jim tonight or no? Nope, not tonight. We're going to go for a 45 minute walk under the stars. Circumstances we were just traveling last week. We didn't miss any exercise last week. That was atrociously difficult.

Alan Lazaros 16:44

Imagine we were in under the same roof as her family, my mom, dogs, pets, the whole whole nine. We were the only ones who were super concerned about making sure we got in our working, our workouts and weight training was tough, it was tough to get away, but you got to make it happen and it's you versus you. No one else is going to care about your goals. No one else is going to care about your core values. They want to spend time with you. Ultimately, it's you versus you. So sometimes Kev wakes up and it's what would best version of Kevin? Do Get your ass up, get to the gym. Sometimes it's you know what, honestly, that's your ego and you need some rest. And same with me and ultimately all of us, I think, have a supposed to and we have a want to. Tonight, I want to go to the gym. I'm supposed to and we have a want to. Tonight, I want to go to the gym. I'm supposed to do a walk tomorrow night. If I do this right, I'm supposed to go to the gym and I will. And whichever one and my client earlier, his name's cole cole, shout out to you, brother.

How small choices shape long-term growth

Alan Lazaros 17:57

I asked him this question. I said is it a supposed to or is it a want to? I've been asking this a lot it's a theme lately. And he said supposed to. I said, well, first he said how do you know the difference? And I actually sat with that for a minute, cause it's. I said one of them you want to do in the moment, the other one is what's best for you long term? And he said, oh, supposed to. I said good, done, we all know that. Yeah, we all know that.

Alan Lazaros 18:28

And what I mean by that is you versus you. I'm not going to tell you what you're supposed to do. I say this to my clients all the time I honor whatever you choose. I wasn't supposed to eat an entire pizza. I don't care, you can tell me what you want.

Alan Lazaros 18:45

I chose the lesser Allen in that moment. I did and I knew that and that's okay. And I'm not saying you got to be perfect. What I'm saying is try to get more percentage, more percentage, more percentage on the side of what's aligned with what's best for you and and what's serving you and honestly it really does come down to. You used to say this all the time. You say there's the the hard way and that no, there's the easy way and the right way and everything. Every single one of us, every single day, have a series of choices of what is best for us long term and what is a short term quick fix, and sometimes we choose the short term quick fixes. But I'll tell you what I take a lot less of the easy roads than I used to and 36-year-old Alan does a lot more of the supposed to's than he does the want to's. But every now and then I do ride the lightning, as we say.

Kevin Palmieri 19:40

You got it Thanksgiving night. I rode the lightning. We got home at 6.30 or 7. I had a glass of whiskey. Some ice cream Stayed up longer than I should have.

Alan Lazaros 19:50

It was just.

Kevin Palmieri 19:50

I had that moment where I was like I honestly, I don't really care, I don't really care, and also I don't really care, and also I'm not gonna go to the gym tomorrow.

Alan Lazaros 19:57

I don't, I don't really care and if you don't take care of yourself and you don't, you neglect your needs, you start to resent it, I'm telling you something's going to. But here's the deal if you had been taking meeting your needs along the way, you probably wouldn't have had that rebel moment. We all have those rebel moments of you know what? I don't really give a fuck. I'm going to eat a whole fucking pizza. I like holidays.

Kevin Palmieri 20:17

I like holidays, I do. I like Thanksgiving, I like Christmas Eve and I like Christmas. Other than that, I don't care. I don't care about my birthday, I don't really care about anything else, but for me, I think they'll always hold a place in my heart, because when I was a little kid I used to love Christmas, just loved it. It was the best. I don't think that'll ever go away. Last thing before we get out of here I'll never forget you actually showed a picture of this today in group coaching Alan myself, emilia and Bianca went to Florida for an event and it was terrible.

Kevin Palmieri 20:49

It was a business event. It was terrible, atrocious. But I'll never forget when we were flying home, it was, it was terrible. Oh yeah, home it was, it was terrible. And Bianca was sitting next to me and Bianca was more afraid than I was and she put her. I put my hand on her hand and I was holding her arm and I said B, we're fine. I brought we're fine. I know, I know, I know it doesn't feel like we're fine, but we're going to be fine.

Kevin Palmieri 21:18

I try to do the same thing with myself, where I try to give myself advice. So, kev, if this, if somebody reached out to you with the same thing that you're thinking of. What advice would you give them, kev? How sore are you really? I mean, I can barely walk. Okay, can you go to the gym and do something other than legs today? Kev, how sore are you really? I mean, I can barely walk. Okay, can you go to the gym and do something other than legs today? Yeah, I could. Maybe we start there Versus. You know, I only got seven and a half hours instead of eight hours. Like Kev, you're probably going to regret it when you go back to sleep for an hour and then you wake up and realize that probably didn't do as much as a good workout would have done.

Kevin Palmieri 22:04

So I think it's a coaching yourself thing. Again, I don't know, maybe that's a weird me thing, but I'm always thinking if somebody reached out to me with a problem that I'm having with myself, what advice would I give them? Take me out of the equation, take what I feel like doing. It's not about that anymore, because I don't know what they feel like doing. I only know what the two options are based on the data I have. So that would be a little takeaway that I would give, because that that tends to work pretty well for me, but you are going to sound like a weirdo if you're having that conversation in front of other people, like what would I do if I wasn't me? But somebody was me that asked me about what I would do, about what they should do.

Alan Lazaros 22:43

Goes deep. My ending would be regret and fulfillment, which is we all know the choices we make that we might regret, and we all know the choices we make where, even though it sucks, we will be fulfilled after and we'll feel good about ourselves and we'll get honest self-esteem, because sometimes you get pleasure, other times you build your self-esteem and self-worth, and which one are you doing more?

Kevin Palmieri 23:09

Next Level Nation. If you are looking to build your self-esteem and your self-worth every day, all day, every day, a little bit, every day, just a little bit better, maybe 1 percent consistently, make sure you're subscribed on whatever podcast platform you are listening to us on or watching us on, so you never miss an opportunity to get to the next level if you had a friend who broke as many promises to you as you have broken to yourself, how much would you value that friendship?

Alan Lazaros 23:34

punch him right in his throat if you, I have lost my train of thought. If you feel like your relationship with yourself is not as good as it could be and you want to start keeping the promises you make to yourself, but you're struggling to do that, which is the definition of self-discipline, and you need a coach, you need some accountability. I'm your guy. Reach out. The link will be in the show notes it's very, very cool.

Kevin Palmieri 24:00

I'm your guy reach out. I think it's because your voice is hoarse for sure. That's probably it, more than anything or maybe I'm just super cool now. I think you are cool. You got a little facial hair coming in, kids getting a little ego on him now because he's becoming a full-grown man. You smoking cigs. You been smoking darts. No, you been chiefing darts. Can you imagine they show up with a cig Can?

Alan Lazaros 24:25

you imagine that would break your brain? No, I should get a fake one, that'd be funny.

Kevin Palmieri 24:29

I would probably yeah, the joke would be on you Until I pulled out a whole pack and put them in my mouth and said, dude, finally. Put them in my mouth and said, dude, finally, I've been waiting seven years for this moment. If you got them, smoke them.

Alan Lazaros 24:39

No, yeah, that would be very strange All right, we're going to get out of here.

Kevin Palmieri 24:42

As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you. And at NLU, we don't have fans, we have family.

Alan Lazaros 24:49

We will talk to you all tomorrow. Keep the promises you make to.

Kevin Palmieri 24:54

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros 25:01

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri 25:10

Thank you.