What If Loneliness Is A Sign Of Progress? (1920)

What happens when your growth journey takes you to a place so transformative that it leaves you feeling isolated? In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros explore “Lonely Land,” the emotional crossroads where self-improvement can create distance from others. Through candid stories, vivid metaphors, and actionable advice, they reveal why pushing through discomfort leads to alignment, self-respect, and lasting progress. Don’t miss this inspiring conversation—it could be the turning point you’ve been waiting for.

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Show notes:
(2:21) The “Lonely Land” and its connection to personal growth
(4:00) The Alaska metaphor
(6:45) The emotional impact of aiming for uncommon goals
(10:01) Client experiences and the reality of lonely progress
(12:43) Reframing loneliness as a sign of progress
(21:21) Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://a.co/d/9fPpxEt
(27:15) Strategies to find and connect with like-minded people
(37:14) Why growth is challenging but worthwhile
(38:12) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri 0:00

if you're halfway through and you're halfway in lonely land, then you say honestly F this, that ain't it. I'm going to go back. You and I have had this conversation before. I don't know what's worse Seeing the potential and deciding it's not for you, or never thinking the potential is there. I don't know which one of those is more destructive.

Alan Lazaros 0:20

Here's the thing If anyone comes to me acting like they have it all together when they don't, I'm going to coach the wrong version of you. I'm going to be harder on you. My clients know this. You come to my coaching session struggle bus. I'm going to be there for you. I'm going to support you. I'm going to dial it back. We're going to lower your metrics, we're going to lower the bar and we're going to make it winnable dreams.

Kevin Palmieri 0:40

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri.

Alan Lazaros 0:45

And I'm your co-host. Alan Lazarus At NLU we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers. Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri 1:01

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros 1:17

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

The "Lonely Land" and its connection to personal growth

Kevin Palmieri 1:23

Welcome to Next Level University, Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today for episode number 1920, 920. What if loneliness is a sign of progress? A lot of our team calls, so we have team calls every other Wednesday with the wonderful NLU team and, yes, they're designed to track metrics and talk about the departments and stuff like that. But we always are talking about what everybody is going through and oftentimes we're talking about how and it's been less than ever because I think the team has gotten closer and closer but a lot of the calls have been the fact that the team is feeling like they're going through lonely land and you and I talk about how we have experienced that, maybe in different ways. Alan's experience is different than mine and all that.

Kevin Palmieri 2:21

And one of the things I always say is, as you become more of who you want to be and as you lean into core values and core beliefs and core aspirations and you figure out what alignment means and you're more consistent, you're tracking habits and you're doing all this stuff unless the people in your life are doing something similar, there is an opportunity for space to be created. I'm not saying right, wrong or indifferent. I'm not saying anything about that, I'm not labeling that. But when you are doing something different, you are separating yourself from other people. So if you're, I imagine that being an author who isn't surrounded by other authors is probably pretty lonely, Because people don't understand why you're doing what you're doing. They don't understand what you just write all day. How does that work? They just don't get it Because they don't do the same things that you do. So we have a story about Lonely Land from someone in the community that we'll share anonymously here in a second.

Kevin Palmieri 3:24

But that's kind of the setup for today's episode. And the thesis is what if loneliness is actually a sign of progress? Would you rather fit in with doing everything that everybody else is doing at the expense of your own alignment? Or would you rather say you know what? I'm going to go my own way? And unfortunately, for a piece of that journey at least, going your own way means going your own way, potentially alone. Is that worth it? Is that going to lead to the life you want? That's the thought for today's episode.

Alan Lazaros 3:55

I have a metaphor.

Kevin Palmieri 3:56

A metaphor. We love metaphors.

Alan Lazaros 4:00

I'm going to need you to figure it out. I'm going to need you to figure it out. I know I think I've been dehydrated lately.

Kevin Palmieri 4:05

That's what it is. That's why I keep having to clear my.

Alan Lazaros 4:08

I did not I need to drink more water. That's what this is. I think, I've been feeling that way lately. But anyways, the metaphor. Let's say you want to travel to Alaska, uh-huh, mm-hmm, and all of your friends are going to Cancun for spring break, but you really, really, really want to go to Alaska. You've always wanted to see Alaska. Mountains, bears, whatever else is there Snow, a lot of snow, a lot of snow.

Kevin Palmieri 4:50

Probably Darkness, apparently darkness apparently most of the year, but wanting to go to alaska is far rarer more rare, rarer, both.

Alan Lazaros 5:00

more more rare either, or either or more rare than kenko. I had a group of friends in the past, long time ago. They would go to key West every year and I remember thinking what? You guys go to the same thing every single year, why don't you guys go somewhere else? And I get it. I eat similar foods and I understand consistency, but you're not exactly expanding when you go to the same places, same bars, same clubs, same thing, do the same thing every weekend. They watch, you know, football every weekend. All that.

Alan Lazaros 5:32

Kevin asked me if I'd be willing to vulnerably express how hard it's been to take a road less traveled, because prior to 26 years old, when I got in a car accident and I really reevaluated my life after that, I had high school friends and college friends and corporate friends and I brought my high school friends to college and I brought my college friends to corporate. There was literally a referral program at the company I worked for, cognex, where I made more than $30,000 referring people from my college to the company. I actually had to do a photo shoot. I hit a grand slam, quote, unquote. It's the only time I ever held a baseball bat since I was a kid and I was on a poster for the company or whatever Grand slam know referred because instead of paying recruiters, they, they just paid internal people to bring great, great engineers to the company. And so I realized in hindsight that I was sort of unconsciously trying to bring everyone with me. I wanted everybody to succeed. I always have my whole life. I always just I want everybody to win and I want everybody to succeed and I want ke.

Alan Lazaros 6:45

Kevin and I were just talking about fitness and how, when he was getting out of shape, I got scared, uh, cause. I was like I dude, I can't go back. I, I, you were the guy, what you know what happened? And now he's jacked again. I love it and at the end of the day, I just want to see everybody reach their potential. That's my main focus in life is helping people reach their potential, and in hindsight it's very clear that unfortunately, that is not a focus for most people. I don't think my friends care that much about reaching their potential.

Alan Lazaros 7:18

I was actually on the facebook of a, one of the closest friends of my past. We actually went to la together and I was on his Facebook. I was just watching, looking at some of his photos. I forget why. I think I was reminiscing on LA, but I was like oh, I wonder what he's doing. And here's, here's what I'm certain of. What he's doing is less rare than starting a self-improvement podcast. And when I say rare, I don't mean I'm better than him or anything like that. What I'm saying is less human beings on planet Earth of the 8 billion human beings on planet Earth start self-improvement podcasts than most other professions.

Alan Lazaros 8:01

So, in a way, you kind of are more alone when you're aiming for something different. And going back to the Alaska metaphor, when you're aiming for something different, you can't take the same plane, you can't go on the same trip. You have to find other people that want to go to Alaska that you can share it with, and so I have a message from a client that I'm going to share anonymously and I'm going to read it verbatim. This is exactly what was said to me in WhatsApp. I'm stuck in lonely land. I'm stuck in the lonely part of growth and leveling up where I feel people don't understand me and I don't understand them. Sometimes I can say something with pure intention of helping, but it comes across not as intended, but probably more because the other person doesn't want to hear the truth. I guess all the work I've done on myself and stepping into my potential is triggering those around me. Not to mention, I'm more comfortable speaking truth. I have so much more self-respect than I used to that I'm not allowing people close to me to speak to me a certain way and confronting that which they don't like the friction, and maybe because I'm comfortable with friction, but I'm not stopping my progress to make others feel more comfortable about themselves. So I guess I'll just have to deal with this lonely, sucky place I am currently in, as this is the growth journey and I'm going to send him a message and he listens to the show so he'll probably hear, hear this episode. But really, what I'm going to send him a message about is that is exactly how most of my clients feel right now. Why? Why they are aiming at goals that are not common. Therefore, the processes, the day-to-day, the train tracks toward those goals, are less people on them, less people are on that train and it can be very lonely.

Alan Lazaros 10:01

Last piece, I was on a podcast yesterday called the Nope Coach with Suzanne. Her name is Suzanne and the Nope Coach she's from Australia. She was in Sydney and she was talking about how she coaches people on learning how to say no and she, in the middle of the interview, she said this is one of the best interviews I've ever done, because I love how honest you are about how much this journey sucks and one of the reasons why I am so honest about that. She says I'm so sick of hearing people talk about growth and dream chasing and achievement without talking about the underbelly. That sucks, without talking about the underbelly that sucks, because I, playfully, am saying like it's awesome to be your own boss, it's awesome to be the CEO, it's awesome to have a 17-person team, it's awesome to have 28 clients, it's awesome to make your own schedule. However, the majority of this journey has been both unbelievably meaningful and worth it and absolutely atrociously brutal.

Alan Lazaros 11:08

it's been terrible at times genuinely terrible and it's it's funny because it's true, and I used prep as an example because I think it's one of the best examples of. I said I lost my first body uh, men's physique fitness competition. I won, won the second one, lost the third one. Came in arrogant, lost. Came in humble won and then came in arrogant again and lost again. And I think, my fourth one. I would have won because I would have went back in humble, but I decided to stop doing it because it was awful. But what I said was during prep, you basically hate your life for three months and you can't eat anywhere. You have to bring your own tupperware to weddings and then the bride gets mad at you.

Alan Lazaros 11:53

This literally happened to me because they paid for the meal or whatever, and I tried to be proactive. Yeah, and I'm sorry that my goals are getting in the way of your life, and I'm not sorry. That's the truth and I've finally gotten to the point. And I would say this to the client that messaged me there is no one on planet earth who achieved their dreams without feeling lonely at times, because most people, statistically, don't shoot for certain goals and most people don't even have clear written goals 96% of people don't have written goals, according to Google. So if't have written goals, according to Google, so if you have written goals that are clear and you're flying to Alaska alone, you can't expect a bunch of people to come with you, and as much as that emotionally sucks, I do think it's very powerful. And the truth is, is you being you, feeling lonely is actually not only par for the course but a sign of progress.

Kevin Palmieri 12:43

I would concur and I this is, and this would be my reframe, for I won't say anyone because not everybody has access the same way, but there are a bunch of people who value what you value. It's time to lean into and build relationships with them, because they're out there and the people that you're talking to maybe have similar core values and core beliefs and core aspirations and they like the same stuff and they talk about the same stuff and they're focused on the same stuff and tracking habits is cool for them and journaling is cool for them. Whatever. There's less of those people, but they are out there you've always had a good relationship with this.

Alan Lazaros 13:21

I want to ask you why do you think people aren't trying to reach their potential? Because to me that doesn't make any sense, because even when I wasn't reaching my, I want to ask you why do you think people aren't trying to reach their potential? Because to me that doesn't make any sense.

Kevin Palmieri 13:32

Because, even when I wasn't reaching my potential, it made me upset every day. Well, I think you knew what your potential was. I think, in order to really care about reaching your potential, you start with an idea of what your potential is.

Alan Lazaros 13:42

So, like old Kev, let's go back. So, did you know? Did you want to reach your potential when you were younger?

Kevin Palmieri 13:49

No, no. I wanted to be successful. That was it, and my definition of success was not maximizing my potential. I think one of the reasons people don't want to do it and I understand and empathize with it deeply is because you essentially feel like you're losing forever. The circumstances of loss are better because you're losing in a forward direction. You're losing up. It's probably the best way to explain it, right, you're losing up but it still sucks.

Alan Lazaros 14:23

You're a loser.

Kevin Palmieri 14:24

Climbing upward, you're losing you're losing up is what you're doing. You're losing up when most other people are winning down. You just don't know that yet. Yeah, you just don't know that. Well, yeah, they go on vacation every year, and I know, I know they do, I know. But if you continue losing up, eventually you'll be able to take a month's vacation and you won't have to think about it, depending, depending on what you're doing.

Kevin Palmieri 14:53

Eventually, if you dream, chase long enough and you do it right and you work on things, and you work on the internal stuff and the external stuff, you can literally make money while you're sleeping Eventually. But that requires you to lose up for a long period of time. I think that's why Because the day-to-day sucks that and it's very If you don't have a. I never had a really good time perspective. I didn't understand a year, two years, five years, ten years. I didn't understand how big of a difference that could make. It's very hard to just say, well, I'm going to do this forever and have no idea what comes out of it. I think that's a really hard thing.

Alan Lazaros 15:34

And when you say have no idea what comes out of it in my head, what's the point of it, Like what's the?

Kevin Palmieri 15:41

How do I know when I've done it?

Alan Lazaros 15:48

You don't because you never do, and you always higher as you climb it.

Kevin Palmieri 15:50

I think that's, and I think you do feel better about yourself and worse about yourself.

Alan Lazaros 15:56

Let me explain. You feel worse about yourself in the micro, the day-to-day moment to moment, but you feel better about yourself as a person yeah, but it just like you've lived both you've lived both I I. I used to be external achievement more than internal fulfillment and but I still was definitely trying to reach my potential, just not as focused on self-improvement. It was more achievement externally. For you, I feel like you've lived a lot of your life not focused on reaching your potential, so I think for you it's a better person to explain.

Kevin Palmieri 16:39

Well, I miss frolicking. I miss not having again privilege pressure. I'm very grateful for all this, so I'm not saying I want it to change, but I miss not having to be at a certain place at a certain time for a certain length of time. Yeah, I miss not having to batch whatsapp every day. I miss the anxiety. I miss not having anxiety when it comes to like I really hope I didn't get any rough messages to wake up to Sunday morning Like I don't, that sucks. Now what comes with that is awesome and the opportunities and the growth and all that. But I'll never, I will never, question why somebody doesn't want to grow Ever. I don't think I ever will, because I understand to your point. I understand how bad it can suck, but it is the better alternative as long as you keep doing it. But if you stop, not really, I don't know Right, I don't know.

Kevin Palmieri 17:38

If you're halfway through and you're halfway in lonely land, then you say honestly F this, this ain't it. I'm gonna go back. I, you and I have had this conversation before. I don't know what's worse seeing the potential and deciding it's not for you, or never thinking the potential is there. I don't know which one of those is more destructive yeah, so I don't know.

Alan Lazaros 18:02

Did I talk about the, the client, that we did a sort of future meditation where we closed our eyes and I said envision yourself in a week? No, I don't think so. Okay, I thought I talked about it on the podcast, did I not? I?

Kevin Palmieri 18:16

don't think so.

Alan Lazaros 18:16

Oh, okay, throw it out there and I'll let you know. I was on with a client and we did a future self meditation because you talked about do you remember the study? And we did a future self meditation because you talked about do you remember the study? You talked about how certain people could only imagine a stranger.

Kevin Palmieri 18:28

Yeah, there was a study in some book I read it wasn't a book Back when I was using Blinkist. It broke books into like 15 minute lessons and essentially it said, when they put people in an fMRI machine and they said imagine yourself five, 10 years in the future, the person that they were imagining essentially was a complete stranger. So they couldn't imagine themselves that many years ahead.

Alan Lazaros 18:51

Which is essentially the concept of I can't really see my true potential.

Alan Lazaros 18:57

And I was on with this client and I had her close her eyes. I said, okay, imagine yourself in a week. She said yep. I said two weeks. She said yep. And then I said a month. And she said yep, I said two weeks. She said yeah. And then I said I said a month and she said it's blurry. And then she was very honest with me and she said, oh, there's like shame with that. And and I, she showed me a photograph of what she imagined herself as, and it was her at her worst. It was like a photo of her overweight and I went, oh, that's wild to me, because what does that mean? That means that you have shame about your own future potential somehow. Does this land at all? I? So, for me, I just want to be very honest with everyone, like I can 10, 20, 30, yep, that's yeah that's a you thing.

Alan Lazaros 19:45

That's a you thing I feel like it's in my head. I have an imprint of what I could be if I want it. Yeah, almost like a. There's some things that come to me where it's like yeah, if you wanted to do that, you could, you could do that. And now you have a choice and I the way I would describe it is imagine your highest self writing a letter to your current self just saying hey, if you want this, you can do it, but it's going to blow. And I used to say this to Kev I never say this anymore because I know it doesn't land but I used to say I've never once questioned whether or not I can do something. I only ever question whether or not I want to bad enough.

Kevin Palmieri 20:24

Yeah, that's a you thing though.

Alan Lazaros 20:26

And I want to make this clear. There are certain things where I know I can't do so. I don't get that letter. My highest self never wrote me a letter saying hey, alan, if you wanted to, you could be the most successful bodybuilder in history Like never would my highest. It's not possible for me.

Kevin Palmieri 20:46

I for me, I'm a skinny mini. Well, how do you know it's? How do you know it's your?

Alan Lazaros 20:49

best self and not ego or delusion or wishful. Feels different? Yeah, it feels different, but for somebody else?

Kevin Palmieri 20:52

how would they know?

Alan Lazaros 20:53

oh, I don't know, I have no idea.

Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy:

Alan Lazaros 20:54

I think that's where this is brand new for me to even contemplate, because yeah that client said the old me wouldn't even have told you that, and so I'm learning a lot from people being vulnerable with me because around I this is really, yeah, scary to share most people pretend to believe in themselves. Around me because they're mirroring my belief. I think they think that they need to show up a certain way for me or whatever. Hello, hello, hello. Nlu listener. Thank you, as always, for listening to Next Level University. Real quick. I just want to jump in and let you know about the Next Level Dreamliner. This is a journal that I use every single day. Achieve your dreams 90 days at a time. It breaks down your dreams into goals, milestones and daily habits. We hope you enjoy it. The link will be in the show notes and daily habits. We hope you enjoy it. The link will be in the show notes.

Alan Lazaros 21:50

I have a certain client I'm thinking of that is very you don't. You have to come correct with this guy. You know he. His goal is $75 million net worth. He's a professional, he doesn't mess around and you can't. You can't show up after binge drinking all week to this guy, right? He's just one of those high standard guys and I realized I had a moment where I was a little bit. I had a tiny tinge of anxiety before this meeting with him because I wasn't as I'm overwhelmed as hell. It's like I wasn't as prepped. I remember thinking I wonder how people feel before meetings with me. I must be like that for them and it's oh, I can see why. There's sort of a I got to come correct on this one. You know, it's like the military. You got to pretend you have it all together, that kind of thing.

Alan Lazaros 22:33

I'm starting to really understand a lot of this. And here's the thing If anyone comes to me acting like they have it all together when they don't, I'm going to coach the wrong version of you. I'm going to coach the wrong version of you. I'm going to be harder on you. My clients know this. You come to my coaching session struggle bus. I'm going to be there for you. I'm going to support you. I'm going to dial it back. We're going to lower your metrics, lower it. We're going to lower the bar and we're going to make it winnable and create a staircase to get to your dreams. You come to me flying high. Let's fucking up the ante, baby. We're not. What are we doing here? You ain't close to where you could be, and that's one of the reasons why I think my clients sometimes their relationship with success is not great. Uh, I mean, I think it's good, but usually they some of the longer ones have tempered sharing successes with me, because the moment you come to me and say you're like crushed it, I'm immediately gonna up the up the ante and see what else we can go for, which can get exhausting. I do understand that. But ultimately, at the end of the day and this is the last piece I'll share too, because I was on a podcast talking about this I watched an interview with the Rock recently and it's really important for everyone to understand and I only use the Rock because everyone knows him that dude doesn't doubt himself at all and he pretends he does.

Alan Lazaros 23:50

It's very hard for me to see him because he was asked by the interviewer. You know you work really hard. And he's like well, you know, yeah. I mean yeah, we all work hard, we all right, we all work hard. It's like, no, we don't Dude. Dude, come on, man, can you just be honest with everybody? Can you just be honest with everybody? For fuck's sakeome to me, because I coach people and I see them look up to people that are wired completely different. They don't tell them about the downside, like the rock doesn't talk about the downside ever, almost ever. He looks like he lives the dream, but I think he didn't see his own daughter for 15 years.

Kevin Palmieri 24:46

I think it's easy for people to tear that apart and say, well, it must be so hard to fly in a private jet. Yeah, exactly I think he's worried about what that'll look like.

Alan Lazaros 24:57

I understand that and I do. I empathize with that too. I just wish everyone was a little more honest, because I feel like if we could be honest about the pros and the cons, we could all make a more rational choice.

Kevin Palmieri 25:13

Yeah, I mean, this is the trillion dollar question. This is the hard stuff about growth. Sometimes you have something and you have a breakthrough and it's like, oh my goodness, everything makes sense for the first time and it feels really good. And other times you have a breakthrough and you get a new awareness that shakes you to your core, and I think Lonely Land is one of those awarenesses that shakes you to the core. And I wonder if we really sat down and said so, based on the person who I really truly aspire to be, most of those relationships weren't going to work out anyway. Yeah, if I was really honest with myself, most of those they just weren't going to work out because Everybody would have to pretend to be somebody that they're not Every time you were with that person and then when you leave, you get to go be yourself. So it's not sustainable. Anyway, I know that's hyper logical and not emotional, yeah, but Right now.

Kevin Palmieri 26:07

So it's not sustainable. Anyway, I know that's hyper logical and not emotional, yeah, but right now, hindsight's 2020. Hindsight's 2020. Right now you're evolving to the type of person that can now attract and sustain and add value to relationships that are the most aligned they've ever been. It just doesn't feel like it's ever going to happen, but this is the time.

Kevin Palmieri 26:30

If you're in lonely land, you've got to put yourself out there. This is the time. This is a really good example. You're a dream chaser. Let's say, you start a Facebook group. Awesome, I'm going to start a Facebook group about my passions and blah, blah, blah. Nobody is going to fucking comment. I know you created the group because you're trying to get out of loneliness. It doesn't matter. You got to go find the people. It's your job to go find the people. That's. The weird thing is, yes, some people will be attracted to you, but most people won't, and it's going to be your job to go find them. Go find a Facebook group to join. Go find a meetup group to join. Go find whatever. Find a coach, find a peak performance, whatever, whatever it is, because I don't think it's going to get easier if you don't do that. Do you think way back?

Alan Lazaros 27:15

I think we solved lonely land for each other a lot more than I realized For sure, because I remember in the beginning of 10 years ago when I really ramped up my growth journey, I remember feeling really lonely and you and I kind of had each other to talk about this stuff with, and then we also built a community around it.

Kevin Palmieri 27:41

Well, I think we had a cheat code where we were trying to build the community. So for us it was.

Alan Lazaros 27:53

Yeah, yeah, and we had each other, I think that makes it I mean you again.

Kevin Palmieri 27:55

You and I have talked pretty much every day for the last eight years.

Alan Lazaros 27:59

That's a weird thing we got a little time. I want to. I want to ask you another question. So holidays are coming up next week. I always wondered I still kind of wonder this. I was at Thanksgiving two weeks ago, three weeks ago, and when we're at the dinner table, I wanted to ask what's everybody's dreams? But energetically, you kind of can't ask that. It's almost like you're not allowed to. I wanted to ask in 2025, what's everybody most excited about that you can ask, that you can ask. You can't ask what do you want to work on about yourself in 2025? That's when it starts getting weird. And then even more what do you think is your biggest bottleneck right now? Like, can you imagine being at thanksgiving dinner or whatever some holiday dinner and then saying what do you think is your biggest bottleneck to your potential? What would happen? And what would happen is it would just get weird and you'd be ostracized energetically from the group. But I want to ask you why, like why is that?

Kevin Palmieri 29:21

Because I think in most crowds, you need permission to create reflection. I think in most crowds, you need permission to create reflection. That's why we talk often about you're a mirror. You out there, whether you're watching or listening, you're a mirror in some way, shape or form. If you're focused on growth, you're a mirror for people who aren't and unfortunately, you don't have permission to be a mirror because that person didn't necessarily sign up for it. That's when they villainize you. But if you're coaching them and they give you money, they're literally signing up for you to be the mirror. I think that's the only difference. I think permission.

Kevin Palmieri 29:56

Somebody asked me on a podcast one time. I said the biggest thing that we focus on in our business is adding value. That's it. Everything we do is based on adding value. Everything, that's the entire business. That's it. Everything we do is based on adding value. Everything, that's the entire business. That's what everything's set up on.

Kevin Palmieri 30:12

And she said what does it mean to add value and what? I don't remember the question, but it was something along the lines of what does it mean to add value and what's something? That is a misconception about adding value? Nice, well, it means to to create a positive input that increases energy, it increases frequency, it increases competence to improve something in some way, shape or form. And I said I think the thing that the misconception is you need permission to add value. That's the thing that I don't think a lot of people understand. You need permission to add value. You can't just walk up to someone and say, hey, here's five ways you can improve your life right now. It just doesn't you kind of have to add value. You can't just walk up to someone and say, hey, here's five ways you can improve your life right now. It just doesn't you kind of have to be searching.

Alan Lazaros 30:52

You can't even ask the question of what are you? What are your fitness goals for 2025? You can't even ask that. Well it's, it's reflection.

Kevin Palmieri 31:01

So, that person now is reflecting.

Alan Lazaros 31:03

It's just uncomfortable to reflect and go oh, I don't have fitness goals. It's just uncomfortable to reflect and go. Oh, I don't have fitness goals.

Kevin Palmieri 31:08

You know what it is.

Alan Lazaros 31:10

I think no one wants to look bad. So if I say what are your fitness goals for 2025? And you say, oh, I haven't thought about it, you look less than or whatever. So you're not allowed to do that socially.

Kevin Palmieri 31:21

Well, you still have to. I think there's a level of self-belief. I'm convinced the people who want to maximize their potential are also the people who have the highest self-belief that. Could we find an example of somebody who's focused on maximizing their potential who doesn't have super high self-belief?

Alan Lazaros 31:39

No, no way.

Kevin Palmieri 31:39

I think that's a thing. Yeah, agreed, that's a thing.

Alan Lazaros 31:43

Because it doesn't seem realistic. So ultimately this comes down to most people just don't believe in themselves, unconsciously. It doesn't seem realistic.

Kevin Palmieri 31:46

So ultimately this comes down to most people just don't believe in themselves. Unconsciously, yeah, and consciously, unconsciously and consciously I don't know about the consciously.

Alan Lazaros 31:54

Either that or they're pretending.

Kevin Palmieri 31:56

I can tell you, I was conscious that I didn't have belief.

Alan Lazaros 31:59

That's why I avoided things. Do you think more people are, but they're not saying that out loud To me. Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri 32:05

Yeah, that to me. Yeah, yeah, that's, it's a very. That's a very hard thing to admit that you don't believe in yourself, because then it's like, well, what does that mean about? That's a very, that's a, that's a very. It's a very common thing to feel shame around that you don't have self-belief. Whoa, because what does it mean about? Well, are you going to look down on me? Are you going to think I'm broken? Are you going to think I'm beyond repair? Are you going to think I'm broken? Are you going to think I'm beyond repair? Are you going to think I have no potential? That right there for me, at least. Again, I'm not going to project on everybody. When I had low self-belief, I couldn't imagine that I had potential. I always thought I was at my potential. Because I don't believe I'm capable of any more, so I'm not going to. I don't want to jinx it. Shoot for more. You know what if I lose?

Alan Lazaros 32:52

Yeah, I appreciate you admitting that, of course. So at the dinner table, metaphorical dinner table you think most people don't actually believe in themselves, but just aren't saying that out loud.

Kevin Palmieri 33:02

Yeah, yeah. And then you start to see the subtypes of people who are very ego-driven. Right, it's like I don't even care about fitness, fitness is for the birds. I care about stacking pay-pay. The more money I make, that's all that matters. It's like okay there might be some ego there. That that's ego. Or somebody might get super embarrassed. Well, let's unpack that real quick.

Alan Lazaros 33:28

So that person with the pay-pay thing they really do care about fitness. They're just pretending they don't because they don't actually believe they can transform Potentially, or they just don't have an answer.

Kevin Palmieri 33:42

But they can't own that. Yeah, they're just going to point it somewhere else We'll deflect.

Alan Lazaros 33:47

Some of my clients are sharing things with me that one of them basically said alan, no one tells you this, but everyone knows you're different. They just never tell you. And I'm like what do you mean? She said you can tell that you're different, but no one knows what it means and no one tells you. And I'm like what the hell? Kevin and I would meet the same person and they would react completely different.

Kevin Palmieri 34:20

I still do.

Alan Lazaros 34:21

I remember we had a three-person call with a mutual person we know Love this person and Kev gets off the call. He goes dude, what was up with all that ego? And I was like kev, that's how that person always is with me. And he's like I've never seen her like that before. Oh, so I'm triggering her ego. I'm triggering her ego. I'm triggering her insecurity, which creates ego.

Alan Lazaros 34:55

What if my whole life has been everyone being that way with me, so I never know who people really are in a way, it's like, really messed with me a lot, and so what's the lesson in that, rather than just about me, all of us are in our own sort of unintentional echo chamber of the way people treat us. Yeah, people have said well, alan, I would never tolerate that. It's like people are always like that with me. You remember Emilia saying wow, your friends really suck. I just watched you, I just watched them all make fun of you, and then you joined them in making fun of you and you're 100 times more than all of them.

Alan Lazaros 35:29

And I she was like that was terrible. I was like that was nothing, that was totally normal. If anything, that was them being nice. I was like, oh, what does that mean? Right? So at the end of the day, this person back to the message that my client sent me you might be so used to being treated like shit that you don't even know what it's like to be treated well. And now that you're becoming more or whatever, this person has lost, I don't know 50 pounds or 40 pounds or 25 pounds a lot.

Alan Lazaros 35:59

I saw a transformation photo. I don't know the exact amount of weight, but they lost a lot of weight. Maybe you are a mirror now for all the other people that maybe aren't losing weight. It's so weird. Getting better is not good socially. It's not socially it's. It's a short term social loss and there's layers.

Kevin Palmieri 36:19

That's really unfortunate, there's layers too, cause it's like, okay, as you're feeling more confident and your self-worth is coming up and all that stuff. I know maybe people are reacting differently, but you're feeling more confident and your self-worth is coming up and all that stuff. I know maybe people are reacting differently, but you're also reacting differently to their reactions.

Alan Lazaros 36:35

And it becomes this weird yeah, new echo chamber of. Yeah, it's this weird wonky thing of oh yeah, these people don't get me, it's like I know, and you don't get them, yeah, yeah, and you don't even get your new self yet, and and you don't get them, yeah, yeah, and you don't even get your new self yet.

Kevin Palmieri 36:49

And yeah, and I think that's the root of it all is you. They don't get you, and you don't get them because you don't get yourself yet. Yeah, so how could they possibly get you? You don't know who you are yet. You've just grown so much, so quickly.

Why growth is challenging but worthwhile

Alan Lazaros 36:59

It's like you shed skin. You're a new version of yourself, but but you don't really know. Now everyone reacts differently to you, and now you have to react differently, so it's all new feedback. Yeah, the growth journey is really alarmingly bad.

Kevin Palmieri 37:14

It's very challenging.

Alan Lazaros 37:15

Yeah, it's very, very difficult. All right, we got to go. It's really important. I know, Speaking of difficult.

Kevin Palmieri 37:21

We have to get off on time here. Yes, Okay, deep one today. Deep one Takeaway Change is hard. Change kind of sucks. Evolution's hard Growth is hard. I just this is it, and then we'll get out of here. I imagine this Would you rather be in a lifeboat by yourself? The ship goes down. You can either be in a lifeboat by yourself or you can be in a lifeboat with a bunch of other people who are trying to sink the lifeboat. I'll take the first one Seven days. Is there a third option?

Alan Lazaros 37:53

No yeah.

Outro

Kevin Palmieri 37:55

Or you come to NLU and there's a much smaller lifeboat that has a line people in it, but it sucks. There's no food, there's no water. It sucks. It's worse the sun's beating down on you. It sucks it sucks. It's worse, the sun's beating down and it sucks, but you get to the promised land Eventually. Maybe, maybe, maybe. All right, as always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan Lazaros 38:19

Talk to you soon.

Kevin Palmieri 38:22

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros 38:29

We mean it when we say family. Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.