Why Boundaries Make Dating Harder (1932)

In today’s episode, Kevin and Alan explore the complexities of setting boundaries in dating and life. How do boundaries protect one’s self-worth yet challenge social connections? They share personal stories, strategies for maintaining self-respect, and lessons from setting and breaking boundaries. Whether navigating a new relationship or striving for better self-discipline, this episode offers valuable takeaways.

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Show notes:
(2:21) Real stories: struggles with self-worth
(8:38) How clarity shapes relationships
(10:28) Setting musts, must-nots, and negotiables
(17:37) Boundaries beyond dating: work and life
(28:23) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching. https://bit.ly/49SyVHz
(36:24) How self-worth and boundaries evolve with growth
(40:11) Overcoming guilt and reinforcing boundaries
(47:53) Lessons in self-respect and decision-making
(52:38) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri 0:00

when you set a boundary and you maintain a boundary, it creates the opportunity for somebody to push back and then you have to reinforce the boundary. That's why boundaries are so hard. If you go to someone and you say I gotta be out of here at noon, they say no stress. Love that for you awesome. Then 11.57 comes up and you're like hey, alan, love you, dude, gotta hop. As I mentioned earlier, I got something at noon.

Alan Lazaros 0:29

No, we haven't. Then, depending on the person, they dig the guilt hooks in deeper and you've got to reset it. My question for everybody is are you setting boundaries that are too high, that you're just going to be alone, or are you setting boundaries that are too low and, yeah, you're not alone, but you're kind of alone inside because you are letting yourself down all the time and or you're letting people mistreat you?

Kevin Palmieri 0:40

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, kevin Palmieri, and I'm your co-host, alan Lazarus. At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers. Our goal with every episode is to help you level relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success Self-improvement in your pocket every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Kevin Palmieri 1:23

Welcome to Next Level University, Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1932, why Boundaries Make Dating Harder. I always talk, shout out. Tora sandra is an og listener, definitely from the hyperconscious days that I'm certain of. I don't know how long she's been in the community and how long she's been listening, but she is an og listener and I saw she posted something on her story today. So I shot her a message and said hey, long time no talk. What's going on? How you living?

Alan Lazaros 2:03

in fact, that she was one of our most listened on SoundCloud. That was the very first platform we ever used, way back SoundCloud. I don't even think exists anymore.

Real stories: struggles with self-worth

Kevin Palmieri 2:14

I think it still exists, it's just not. I don't think it's doing well. Yeah, I doubt it, I don't think it's doing well. But I messaged her and just said, hey, long time no talk. What's going on? And she said well, a lot of changes. This happened. I started dating again and all this stuff. And I said how's the dating going? I'm curious, what's new with that, how's that going? And she said yeah, it's definitely kind of a shit show the dating scene is. It's not great where I am in the world. And I said interesting.

Kevin Palmieri 2:43

And she said you know, the hard thing is I've worked really diligently on my boundaries. I've worked really diligently on my self-worth saying no. And she said that's probably the reason why all the dates I have, I had a date. She said I had a date last night and the date started at seven and I was home in bed by 10.

Kevin Palmieri 3:02

And I said isn't it weird how, when you set boundaries, it actually makes things harder? Because what you're essentially doing and again, harder contextually, what you're essentially doing is you are eliminating the opportunity to have regrets kind of, in a way, based on the regrets that you've had in the past. Have regrets kind of, in a way, based on the regrets that you've had in the past. But you're also kind of eliminating a lot of the nonsensical fun that you'd also be able to have when you're dating and you know exactly what you want and you know what your boundaries are, you know what your core values are, you know what your core beliefs, you know all that stuff. You're going to have a lot of duds when, if you don't have those things designed, you might have an opportunity to have meaningless connection with people. And I think the stronger your boundaries get and the more specific your boundaries get, probably the less likelihood of that happening. So I think it actually does make dating harder in terms of feeling like you're making progress. But when you do actually make progress and you find someone that's really aligned and worth dating, I think then it's worth it.

Kevin Palmieri 4:16

But in the meantime it kind of sucks. And again, before I kick it to Alan, I haven't dated in five years. Before I kick it to Alan, I haven't dated in five years. Right, it's coming up in six years. So obviously I've been out of the dating game a while, but it makes sense. I think one of the things that I was really struggling with when I was dating was. I was very clear on what I wanted and it seemed like every time I'd meet someone, I'd have my hopes up and then, by the time, you know, whatever it is second date, third date, whatever it's like ah, this isn't going to work, this isn't what I thought it was, and I was beyond the place where I just wanted to have meaningful sex with people. I just didn't want that.

Alan Lazaros 4:57

Meaningless. What did I say? Meaningful, meaningful.

Kevin Palmieri 5:05

I do want to have meaningful sex with people. I was beyond the point where I wanted to have meaningful sex with people. Hopefully, I won't be beyond the point of meaningful until I'm 90. But yeah, I was beyond the point of wanting meaningless sex with people.

Alan Lazaros 5:16

Yep, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's an important place to get to Meaningful, meaningless.

Kevin Palmieri 5:21

Meaningless.

Alan Lazaros 5:22

Yeah, being done with that. I remember late 20s, super alone, and I decided I am never going to make my intimate choices again based on physical sexual attraction. I'm going to make it based on mental, emotional and spiritual connection. And that was when I met emilia, which is really cool. But I remember I've never told the story, I don't think oh, I am excited.

Kevin Palmieri 5:43

Get your popcorn ready, you might told this story.

Alan Lazaros 5:45

I don't think. Ooh, I am excited, get your popcorn ready. You might have heard this story. I don't think I've told it on the podcast.

Alan Lazaros 5:49

So I was in the gym with Bianca and she was a friend. I was kind of her mentor back then and she's actually the one who kind of introduced me to Emilia. She didn't introduce me Technically. She said Emilia, he's much more than his Instagram would reference Because I was fitness modeling back then. So I looked like a meathead and Emilia was very not for another meathead, but anyways. So thank you, bianca, thank you, thank you, thank you for putting in a good word, but anyways.

Alan Lazaros 6:20

So back then I was Facebook, had a dating app for a short time and this was way back and I was on it and then I was like you know what I'm done? I can't do this. But there was this one girl that I matched with who was extremely physically attractive, but I had the inkling that it was not much more than that and I had told Bianca about this girl or whatever, and kind of in passing. And then she came into the gym and I said Bianca, that's the girl I was telling you about. And Bianca turned to me.

Alan Lazaros 6:51

And Bianca is openly bisexual. She said oh my god, marry her. And I said Bianca, I've chosen to close this door. The answer is no. I know what that road is. I've been there. I haven't been there specifically, but I've been down the road of intimate decisions based on sexual attraction. I'm not doing that? The answer is no. And this woman was unbelievably physically attractive, but I also knew that she was not what I was looking for and luckily I said no to that with that boundary, because not long after that I messaged Emilia and we were connected at a deeper level than I thought was even possible. From that moment until now, five years later and it is, hands down, the best thing that's ever happened to me, emilius has happened for you either way either way, uh, but anyway.

How clarity shapes relationships

Alan Lazaros 7:52

So without boundaries, I wouldn't be in the magnificent relationship that I have now. However, there was a time where those boundaries made me very, very, very lonely, for sure, and it was really hard to maintain those. It was actually pretty terrible, to be completely honest, and one thing I want to share is there's this leadership quote that I actually do agree with, and John Maxwell is the main sort of. He writes a lot of leadership books. His main thing is leadership and it's lonely at the top. And he said well, whoever wrote that isn't a leader, because obviously, if you're alone at the top, then you didn't bring anyone with you. So therefore, you don't have any people, you're not really a leader. Here's what I would say. Regardless of any of that, whether it's the top or not, the more boundaries you have in your life, the more lonely it is.

Alan Lazaros 8:38

Here's why, on the last episode, kevin was talking about fences and fear. Now imagine you're at the center of a bunch of fences and these fences, you're in the middle of a field and there's a circle around you with a fence and then another one, and another one, and another one. These are boundaries. One of them is you have to be a good person. One of them is you have to have goals and dreams. One of them is you have to work on yourself and be into self-improvement. One of them is you have to have the core value of reaching your true potential, whatever it is. I'm just using me as an example. The percentage of people that are into self-improvement and want to reach their potential and have clear goals and dreams, and and, and, and, and, and, and and. The percentage of people gets smaller and smaller and smaller. So if you take a random sample of a thousand human beings, how many of them are into all of those things? How many of them check all of those boxes, so to speak? So people say, well, don't settle. Okay, well, easier said than done when there's 1% of 1% of 1% of 1% of 1% of 1% of 1% of 1% of people that actually check all of your boxes and and and.

Setting musts, must-nots, and negotiables

Alan Lazaros 9:47

There's a box that could be musts, must, nots, and and negotiables. We in relationship talks, coaching, conscious couples, podcasts, we do this all the time. What are your musts? Okay, for me, must have bigger goals and dreams than me prior to meeting me. Must be boom, boom, boom. Okay, must not smoke cigarettes. Boom, boom, boom. A couple more Must be monogamous, all that stuff, okay. Negotiables, okay, she may or may not. Here's a must fitness must be obsessed with, fitness must, negotiable, must run don't care emilia could never run again.

Alan Lazaros 10:28

I don't care, of course, when I go for a run and she can't come, it might be a little bit like, ah, it sucks, but it's not a big deal, but if she didn't like the gym that would be so hard for me. So musts, must, nots and negotiables are boundaries and unfortunately, the more boundaries you set, the more likely you find your ideal person but the more likely you're lonely as hell.

Kevin Palmieri 10:52

Well, think about it this way If you, that's a good example. Okay, I remember when I was when I was how old was I? 16, I guess. I started looking for a car, but I had no help from my family. My family wasn't going to give me money, none of that stuff. The first car I got was a Mustang. It was a white Mustang that had 144,000 miles on it and it was a thousand bucks.

Alan Lazaros 11:18

Well, yeah, it hurt, not in a good way. It sounded like a tractor. I didn't know. I'm just. I know it was a. I wanted to get to. That was terrible.

Kevin Palmieri 11:26

It wasn't a nice one. It was a V6. So it wasn't even the fast one. It was a hunk of crap. But I had $1,000. That's all I had. It cost $1,000. The requirements for the car were very low.

Alan Lazaros 11:40

Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri 11:41

They were very low. So there was a ton of options. It's just got to be like around $1,000. I didn't care if it was a Mustang at the time. It was again, that's cool. But it wasn't that. That wasn't the reason I didn't. I just needed a car. As you get further and further in life, you have more requirements. I'm not saying you need to go buy an expensive car, but if you have kids, well, it can't have two seats, it has to have more than two seats.

Alan Lazaros 12:05

Okay we Kevin's Beamer's out of the question.

Kevin Palmieri 12:08

No, my Beamer has four seats.

Alan Lazaros 12:10

Oh.

Kevin Palmieri 12:10

Yeah, my car has four seats, not four seats that could fit me.

Alan Lazaros 12:14

No, I don't know if there's a single seat that could fit you.

Kevin Palmieri 12:16

It's not made for large humans. For sure I fit nicely because I'm wee.

Alan Lazaros 12:21

But okay, I'm glad you like it. I kind of hate the Beamer dude. I do. I love it.

Kevin Palmieri 12:26

I like little cars. I've always liked little cars, fair the Mustangs I had were two doors, wildly impractical.

Kevin Palmieri 12:32

They are wildly. The next car I get will have four doors for sure. Nice, but why? Because the requirements are changing. That's the reason why, if I was single, I would get a very fast car that only had two seats. Don't care, I don't care that it's wildly impractical. I don't care, I don't care that it's wildly impractical. I don't need it for anything else. I'm not gonna really need it to move anything. It's not that big of a deal. But, taryn, we have the cats.

Alan Lazaros 12:58

Their cat crate's pretty big you know, I gotta make sure I got room for my boys.

Kevin Palmieri 13:00

You gotta be to be able to take them to the vet then, like matt's, a good example, they don't scrape up the leather no, you can't.

Kevin Palmieri 13:07

You. You gotta put them a crate. They'd lose their mind if they were free. They can't freestyle in the car. My goodness, I wish we could train them to do that, but it's a little too late.

Kevin Palmieri 13:15

Matt is a real estate investor and he owns properties. He needs a pickup truck and he was asking me he's like you, ever get a pickup truck man? No, never. Why, for what reason would I ever get a pickup truck? I don't like them, I like cars and I don't. What am I gonna do? I just sit in the back of it for fun occasionally and have like, have a beer in my driveway.

Kevin Palmieri 13:38

It's like this is this, is what it's all about. There's no requirement. There's just no requirement for it. So when you're looking for a white car with this interior, with these rims, with this amount of miles, the payment has to hit this. There's just far less of those than there is. Just give me any car. That's around $1,000. There's a bunch of those. So, by definition, yeah, it increases the likelihood that you will be alone longer while you wait. The idea is hopefully the payoff will be worth it and it's a really good way. Maybe that's not the frame. It's a good test of boundaries in motion and boundaries against resistance. Because if you are on dating apps, hypothetically, and you're getting messages, maybe the person has one thing that you value a ton, maybe they're really good looking or whatever it is, and then you think to yourself, well, it wouldn't be that. I mean, I could probably make that work.

Alan Lazaros 14:42

I could probably. You've been there speaking from experience. Of course I've been there.

Kevin Palmieri 14:46

I could probably make that work, but it's a really good exercise of boundaries in practice. Could probably make that work, but it's a really good exercise of boundaries in practice and in reality. And then maybe you get pushed back against the boundary and then you have to test your boundary there. I think it's unfortunate the way it's set up. I think the clearer you get on what you want, what you don't want, the harder it kind of gets, but also the more worth it it gets yeah, and the easier it is to make decisions For sure.

Alan Lazaros 15:11

That's one thing that I've, I would say for you and I over the last eight years. Clarity is high. I said this to one of my clients recently. He's 25 years old. I said you, we went through goals for Q1 of 2025. We went through metrics, habits, priorities, most important skill for 2025, dialed in blah, blah, blah. I said, dude, you have more clarity on your career and your life and your direction than 99.9% of 25-year-olds. You have more clarity than I did at 25, for sure. I didn't get clarity until after 26. I had some. I had some, but not to this level. Right, I said, here's the thing. Clarity is great.

Alan Lazaros 16:04

It's going to be really easy to make choices. It's really easy when you have absolute clarity on your goals, your core values. It's very easy to say no, it's way easier. It's real easy when you have absolute clarity on your goals, your core values. It's very easy to say no, it's way easier. It's still hard, but it's easier.

Alan Lazaros 16:14

But here's the thing there go most of the barbecues. There go most of the video games. There go most of the running amok. There goes the trip in Florida I took that. We ran amok. You just have less options. You have less opportunities, and it's good and bad. It's good in the sense that you'll be more fulfilled, you'll be more aligned, you'll be able to say no easier, you'll be more in alignment I already said that. But you're going to have to have a little less fun and you're going to be more lonely. I mean, think about it 25-year-olds how many of them have crystal clarity on their goals, dreams, priorities, metrics, habits, to do's, to don'ts, core values yeah, very, very low. So all of his friends? They want to hang out. They don't understand why he can't hang out. He'll be way more successful than them, and that's the mathematical truth. But he's going to have a lot less fun on the way, and that's also the truth, and so he has to choose.

Boundaries beyond dating: work and life

Alan Lazaros 17:17

I had a lot of fun in my early 20s, but it was wildly unproductive and I do regret some of that, to be completely honest. However, I'm also grateful that I'm never going to look back going wow, I never really let it ride. I never really explored. I did a lot of exploring Plenty, more than enough for me. So I looked up boundaries.

Alan Lazaros 17:37

Setting a boundary means establishing limits for yourself that define what is acceptable, safe and reasonable for others. Boundaries can be set in many areas of life, including relationships, work and with yourself. It mentions with yourself. I'm grateful it does, because right now, for 2025, emilia and I set some boundaries. So we're trying to be in the bedroom at 11 PM. We tried to do 10 PM. We did, I think, 50, 47 days of that and then it went off the rails and we were up at midnight and all this stuff Can't sustain 10 PM. Can't do it, won't do it, not doing it, try 11. Let's give this a shot. Other certain boundaries I'm trying not to have my first call until 11. I know it's a luxury, but I'm trying to not schedule things earlier than 11 so I can actually do my morning routine and do my back office work, because what's happening is I'm working too late, then I'm getting to bed too late, then I'm waking up too late and then it's jeffing everything.

Kevin Palmieri 18:32

How hard was seven year ago? Alan laughed at that. I've been like dude, you're so soft 11 am.

Alan Lazaros 18:34

Is your? First call and here's what I would say to him sir, I did 54 podcasts, coaching sessions and trainings last week. How many did you do? He would say I did.

Kevin Palmieri 18:45

I did three, sir, but tough probably I remember I remember rice? You calls at 6 am on saturday.

Alan Lazaros 18:52

Yeah, and in the beginning you got to, you got to here's the other piece, a lot of people and this, this will be a good sort of business side tangent people say, oh, you charge too little, you need ten thousand. Charge ten thousand dollars. Listen, the boundary is too big. You're creating a wall no one can get in. Yeah, that's good. I think that's on. What are we?

Kevin Palmieri 19:09

doing. I think that's a really good. That's a really good point. And same with relationships. You and I knew someone who they said, well, the person I'm, I'm gonna be with, has to have this and this and this and this and this and this and this, and they had somebody very specific in mind. It was like honestly again I don't mean this from a negative place, I don't mean this from talking down to you that just most likely isn't going to happen. And here's why. Here's why Because the person that checks all of that person's boxes had their own boxes that needed to be checked and the person that we knew just didn't check those boxes.

Alan Lazaros 19:47

That's okay.

Kevin Palmieri 19:49

Look, I'm under no confusion that there.

Alan Lazaros 19:53

This is my favorite part about Kev right here. Everybody get ready for it. This is my favorite part.

Kevin Palmieri 19:58

I am under no confusion that there are certain people that would never date me because of my height. I don't check that box.

Alan Lazaros 20:05

Just is what it is. We need to talk about that. Why are you okay with that and why aren't people okay with that?

Kevin Palmieri 20:10

Because I think it's a reality, and I also have boxes that I want checked, that I don't know. I feel like that's People have an idea of who they want to be with and that's not the idea that a lot of people have.

Alan Lazaros 20:26

I don't know. Emilia literally said to me she said I love it when you are not dieting because you're bigger and I like being with a bigger man. She says when you're dieting, you always seem more scarce to me and skinny, mini. I like. When you're big, thick, it's awesome, I love eating. So this is going to work out great. But some women want to be with a bigger man Tall, big, large. Kevin isn't under the delusion of thinking he deserves someone more than he does. We all have a certain value. I know this isn't the point of this episode, but you're either on one end of the spectrum or the other. You either have two little boundaries and you let everyone walk all over you, and that tends to be our audience, myself and Kevin included, for sure.

Alan Lazaros 21:15

Or you have all these boxes that need to be checked, where it's like listen to that person that you're referring to. I tried to share this with her, too, as kind as I could. I said you're probably going to be alone forever, yeah, and I don't want to see you suffer, and I don't want to see you suffer. Why are you going to be alone forever? Here's why your standards are way beyond what you are personally living.

Kevin Palmieri 21:35

Your standards for somebody else can't be higher than your standards for yourself. Exactly, that's a very, very challenging place to live, unfortunately.

Alan Lazaros 21:46

That's all. How did you? I think if, if anything, you were probably on the other end which one remember when you were. Can you tell the story about the nurse and how?

Kevin Palmieri 21:57

yes, also I want to make it very clear I have a gorgeous wife, so I'm not saying like there's people I'm not saying I'm mad about that.

Alan Lazaros 22:05

And my wife? She's taller than me not by a ton, but maybe like half an inch or an inch well, one of her boxes wasn't that she needed to be with a guy who's super tall, right, right, and if it was, that would have been. That wouldn't work.

Kevin Palmieri 22:17

I can lift her up. When she needs to get stuff from the high shelves, I can lift her up just put her on my door.

Kevin Palmieri 22:22

Yeah, that's why I go to the gym there was. So back in the day I used to work at a hospital. I was, uh, what was I considered? I was considered a project person. I was, uh, what was I considered? I was considered a project person. That was what I was considered. We were supposed to do like stripping and waxing of the floors. Honestly, pretty sweet gig. That was pretty cool.

Kevin Palmieri 22:38

There were times where we would go off to like just a completely closed off area of the hospital, nobody else around, and we would just work in these rooms where there was no, we could listen to music. It was awesome. It was really. That part was cool. But one of the things that came with that was housekeeping. That part sucked. So cleaning bathrooms, cleaning floors if you've ever seen, if you've ever been at a hospital, and they give you a shot and they drop the needle into the needle box. We are responsible for cleaning those out. You take. You take the needles out to this giant trailer that's just filled with needle boxes. Pretty wild, all things considered.

Kevin Palmieri 23:13

Looking back, but I worked with this kid named Adam Cool kid, cool kid and Adam. Shout out to Adam, shout out to Adam. So sit with me when I explain this, because it's going to sound negative. I don't mean it negatively. So Adam was gay and Adam, when I told him my favorite movie was Titanic, he's like dude, that's the gayest thing I've ever heard. It's like that's what you mean, man. So him and I had a really loud to say that he's allowed to say that him and I had a really good relationship. He was just a cool dude a cool dude.

Kevin Palmieri 23:59

Adam was good people. I miss people. I miss adam. Adam was good but there was this nurse that was on the first floor, so the hospital had four floors. She worked on the first floor down one of the wings and I I would see her when I went down there to empty stuff out and I knew who she was. And adam came to me one day. He's like dude. You know that nurse on one, it's gannett.

Alan Lazaros 24:09

The gannett was the name of the woman and you pretended you didn't know. No, I was like, yeah, of course I do.

Kevin Palmieri 24:15

Of course I do. He's like, yeah, she wants to go on a date with you and I was like no way man, not a chance. She's a nurse, she's a very successful nurse, and the reason why is because you think that you don't check her boundaries. Well, she was also, I don't know, 5'11 or something. She was really tall. Oh yeah, and I was like what do you mean, man? She's beautiful, she could have any, why me, why me?

Alan Lazaros 24:43

For those of you who are thinking about self-worth, this is someone who's under. Yeah yeah Under in self-worth.

Kevin Palmieri 24:51

Because you were jacked, man, I was in good shape. Yeah, I was jacked, but I again do you think of it? I felt like I felt really bad about myself because of my job. I'm like, if we're talking about the classes here at the hospital, she's way higher than I am. Some romeo and juliet shit here going on and he said dude, she wants some titanic shit yeah, I felt like jack, not a chance.

Kevin Palmieri 25:10

She wants to go on a date with me. He's dude. She wants some Titanic shit. Yeah, I felt like Jack, not a chance. She wants to go on a date with me. He's like dude, she does telling you go down there, go talk to her. I might've even gotten her number from him. I don't know. I don't remember how it happened, but we ended up. I ended up spending. I hung out with her a couple of times and there was yeah in my mind. There was no way. Honestly, I wasn't. What's the real reason? I wasn't good at reading signs. Yeah, I wasn't good at reading signs.

Alan Lazaros 25:41

Whenever we reminisce about our dating days, it's always so embarrassing. We didn't know what the hell we were doing. I had.

Kevin Palmieri 25:48

You know how some people assume that every person wants them. It was the opposite. I assume nobody wanted me. So even when I would hang out with somebody, it would be like, ah, I yeah, I just waited too long to make a move. That was it. And then they ended up marrying the next person they dated. That has that has happened to me so many times. I I used to literally say I was Good Luck, chuck. There's a movie called Good Luck, chuck, with Dane Cook. Almost first serious relationship I ever had married the next person. I had a situationship. After that. They married the next person.

Alan Lazaros 26:22

You get them into alignment. I think I get them into alignment. Yeah, I think I get them into alignment, and it's not because I was terrible and then they married someone else, it's not because it's like oh, I've seen that end of it.

Kevin Palmieri 26:32

I got to make sure the next guy's not like it's not that I don't think, I don't think I was ever terrible to anybody, but no, I seriously doubt it. But that was it. It was I had low self-worth, and low self-worth manifested in that way where I assumed that, yeah, you might want to hang out, but it must be for something like you just want to be friends, or something so bringing this back to boundaries.

Alan Lazaros 26:50

People with low self-worth have no boundaries. They have lower boundaries than what would behoove them, benefit them, serve them. People with inflated self-worth have boundaries that are way bigger than what is warranted you ever go to. I don't know what's a good example of this. We went to a place called the chateau. This place we spent spent 450 bucks on this hotel room. This is last year, last winter. This place was terrible. It was terrible.

Kevin Palmieri 27:18

We call it the chateau quite a great, quite a great review for it well, here's the deal, right, you're charging more than what it's worth.

Alan Lazaros 27:26

I'm never going back. And I think some people are setting this high boundaries, high bars, and then and then you meet them and you realize like, oh so you're, you're really portraying you're, you're fronting a lot. That's. That's unfortunate. When I get behind the scenes, you're actually really not what you portray. And then there's other people where it's holy crap, you're like amazing, this is unreal. You really should, you know, have higher standards for yourself or for for the people you spend time with. And I think that that's all self-worth related. It's. It's how do you just because you and I didn't have dads maybe we had these this low self-worth because my stepdad didn't value me and your dad obviously didn't enough to stick around?

Kevin Palmieri 28:15

right, that's fair.

Alan Lazaros 28:16

So that messes with us internally. So our thermostat inside is off.

Kevin Palmieri 28:23

Next level nation. What is happening? If you've thought to yourself, I want to try coaching, but you don't really know where to start, group coaching would be a wonderful place for you. That's really why we created it in the first place. We start a new round every 90 days. So if you're hearing this, go to the website nextleveluniversecom and we have the landing page where you can actually hold your spot right now. Even if there's a group going on right now, you can still lock your spot for the next one. The biggest thing that we've seen is, as we get closer and closer to the date, unfortunately, some people end up missing. The group fills up and they can't do it, and then they end up regretting that. So please head over to the website. The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there.

Alan Lazaros 29:07

I was prepubescent, didn't hit puberty till my 30s Kev short. So we just have low self-worth. Because when you're a prepubescent dude I mean girls just next to you Everyone becomes men and you're just still this little kid. Oh it's the worst. And you just have this low self-worth. But then that flips eventually. Now I'm 36. I look, like you know, way different than I did when I was younger. Now I can actually grow a beard and stuff. This is weird for me. This is great. This is awesome.

Alan Lazaros 29:37

Emilia, there'll be this girl in the gym like bidding for my attention is what she says. She's like you're an idiot. I'm like what do you? What do you mean? And I said sweetheart, you were hot in high school. I don't know what this is. This is great. Like, and Again, again. I don't care if people, but the point is, is like she, she thinks I'm an idiot in that regard, in that regard. But the point that I'm making of this is that your, your self-worth is not accurate to the current. Like how do I make this land? I could care less if anyone ever again checks me out. I'm madly in love. I intend on marrying Emilia, like. I don't want that to come off wrong. My point is is that my set point for my own attractiveness to women is so much lower than what it actually is now, and you have to update that inside. And some people it's the opposite. It's they were hot in high school and then they've let things go downhill and vice versa.

Alan Lazaros 30:33

And again, value is contextual. This isn't we're using physical, because that's something you can see. There's also the internal intelligence, there's all these internal things and so my question for everybody is are you setting boundaries that are too high, that you're just going to be alone, or are you setting boundaries that are too low? And, yeah, you're not alone but you're kind of alone inside because you are letting yourself down all the time and or you're letting people mistreat you? And I've seen people in couples I coach where the guy often will have inflated self-worth not always, but often the guy will have inflated self-worth and the female will have low self-worth. And usually what happens not always, but again, statistically speaking the majority of the time is the woman will actually start gaining self-worth in our coaching and then start actually speaking up and then the guy will either handle that well and grow or he'll handle it poorly and show his true colors and then they break up.

Alan Lazaros 31:28

And a lot of times in relationship talks coaching emilia and I a lot of the times they grow together and they flourish. That's great. But there have been a few times where they've actually broken up quicker because they both started to see the true colors of the relationship once the person with lower self-worth actually had the courage to start saying, hey, you know, can you not play video games for three hours a night while I'm handling the kids? Like there's some guys out there that are just buttheads straight up and you can't tolerate that shit. However, however, you're not. Not everyone's going to. You know, marry. I don't know what's a high-value man, brad Pitt Not everyone's going to marry someone who looks like Brad Pitt.

Kevin Palmieri 32:09

Yeah, I was going to say I don't know if he's a high-value man, he's a good-looking dude.

Alan Lazaros 32:13

Yeah, in the metaphor we can see appearances, so we'll just stick with that. I assume he's weird as shit.

Kevin Palmieri 32:17

I've got to assume he's weird as shit behind the scenes. I wouldn't doubt it.

Alan Lazaros 32:22

But I don't know, I've never personally met the guy Same.

Kevin Palmieri 32:25

Same. I had a reminder of this the other day. Oh my God, you want to talk about embarrassing and again, this is how it compounds. Went on a couple of dates with someone and they were good. We were good, great conversation, a lot of core values, core beliefs, core aspirations. Awesome Person loves self-improvement. It was like at the point where it was, it was cool enough that I was a podcaster we were.

Kevin Palmieri 32:51

I was a full-time podcaster and I was maybe almost able to pay bills. No, I wasn't. I definitely wasn't, but it was cool, like we were doing cool shit, you know, because people would say, like what do you do for a living?

Alan Lazaros 33:02

it's like well, you know, yeah, I actually, I actually left my old life so I could pursue my passions.

Kevin Palmieri 33:09

Yeah, and your passions are oh podcaster. Yeah, and this is what I talk about. Yeah, maybe you've heard of some of these, maybe you've heard of some of these guests, I don't know. You know they're kind of a big deal in our space, but but I went on a couple dates with someone and it's in hindsight, how brutal was that?

Alan Lazaros 33:25

that was very hard it was so bad at the beginning. Yeah, not a lot of. It's cool, not a lot of people bought in, understandably, so right, understandably.

Kevin Palmieri 33:33

I went on a couple dates with this person. Didn't work out. It was just like, hey, I'm moving, just I'm not going to be here for much longer. It's I'm not ready for this. It's like all right, cool, whatever texted me one day no, no. Messaged me on Instagram hey, I need some Kevin wisdom in my life. Like I got wisdom. I got tons of wisdom, self-improvement guy. I'm a self-improvement guy. Can you talk? Later I was like, yeah, so here's the thing my boundaries and yours for sure, were skewed in terms of I want to add value to this person's life.

Alan Lazaros 34:10

Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri 34:11

Yeah, whoops. And she was like I'm struggling with. So she was in a relationship at this point. So for me it was like I don't think, I'm not thinking anything's going to come of this, I just want to be a good person. And then she's like can you text me your number? I got a new phone and I lost it's like that's.

Kevin Palmieri 34:32

That was the sign where I should have said no, no, you deleted. You deleted my number. I know how cell phones work. I'm not a fucking idiot. You know what I mean. When you get it apparently you were, I was when you get a new phone, there's a button you push and everything comes, like all the data. You know mine got lost in transit? I don't think so, but at the time I wanted to add value. Adding value gave me significance. It made me feel really good. Yeah, then I think it was. It must have been before this, or maybe not, I don't know At some point. So Matt worked for a very big company and one time he got box seats at the Red Sox game, which was you want to talk about a weird-ass experience Like you, walk into this room and it's just fully catered.

Alan Lazaros 35:17

Yeah, yeah, I've been there. It was the best we did. The Celtics Intel put it on. It is, it's a trip, it's something special, it's all food. Yeah, yeah, are you guys hiring?

Kevin Palmieri 35:27

Is your company hiring? I'm going to try to slide in there and get this gig. It was wild, but I posted a little gentle flex on Snapchat that day, yeah, yeah, of course, of course.

How self-worth and boundaries evolve with growth

Kevin Palmieri 35:40

That girl messaged me and said oh my God, i'm's the best at this. Like Matt's really good at giving just straightforward, like dickish truth that you don't want. He's like dude, screw her. He's like screw her man. Now that you're like doing good and you're here and you look like you're living it up, she wants to hang out with you like dude next her. Don't even message her back. Nice, that that's the way Matt is, but that's you can see how somebody who has lower self-worth gets attention that they want and then they just abandon their boundaries completely. It's like well, you want me, you want me now, never mind what happened in the past. And again, that wasn't really the frame for it, but Matt was sticking up for his boy. He wanted to make sure I didn't hurt myself.

Alan Lazaros 36:24

Well, what Matt was doing is helping you set the right level of boundary yeah, For where you are now, not who you used to be and that, I think, is one of the hardest parts of the growth journey Boundaries. I was terrible, Like I feel good at consistency and discipline in certain things, but this terrible, Worst ever.

Kevin Palmieri 36:41

Well, so much of it is energetic. You and I used to talk about that. All the time there's like there's energetic positioning of yeah, it's always going on, it's always, it's always. There's always stuff playing out under the scenes or behind the scenes or under the layers. It's just invisible. You can't see it and a lot I don't know. I got to share one more story. Please, it's about you this is one of my favorite things. Hey, of course it is. You got anything about you? No, no, I shared one earlier.

Alan Lazaros 37:12

I shared one that I didn't want to share. So we're at a mastermind.

Kevin Palmieri 37:17

We're at a mastermind, okay.

Alan Lazaros 37:23

And this is my favorite thing, because I've been to many masterminds with Kevin and Kevin and I are invited to interview Evan Carmichael up in Toronto.

Alan Lazaros 37:28

And there's a mastermind associated with this and the mastermind is basically hey, kevin's doing a bunch of interviews today. He's got big YouTube channels 3.6 million at the time, blah, blah, blah. It's awesome. We're grateful to be here. Cool, let's do it. We love interviews. We love Ev. He's a mentor of ours. At the time. We go down to this mastermind and Kevin and I have been again earning your stripes. Imagine you earn your stripes and you're a. I don't know the belts. There's a yellow belt and a green belt. We're black belts at this point, in this context of this room. We're black belts, but we don't seem that way and we obviously don't know our own value in this moment.

Alan Lazaros 38:07

And this dude is trying to coach Kev. It's the funniest shit ever for me to watch, because here's what I do and I don't do this anymore. But I want to bring everyone behind the scenes. What I do is I find the one thing this person might know more than I do, and I try to ask them questions about that, because I just want to gain wisdom and knowledge and I really do want to learn from everyone, even if it's what not to do. But I also realize now in hindsight that that basically makes me look like a student in every room and they're not exactly going to hire me as their business coach. Next, it's very hard to reset that positioning kev watching him try not to be coached by this dude is the funniest thing in the entire world. He's like well, you know, I mean I feel like I'm good with the daddy stuff. It was so fun for me because I'm just really laughing.

Kevin Palmieri 38:53

Well, context, this person is not that successful at business and their thing was like they're and again, I'm not making this wrong, but just, just just for context sake, their thing was well, I want to make sure I get out of bed and post on social media like that's my thing. It's like dude, not making this wrong, but just, just just for context sake, their thing was well, I want to make sure I get out of bed and post on social media like that's my thing. It's like, dude, you're not gonna coach me on business, like you're not. You're not gonna coach me on this. I'm like I go to the gym every day. I wake up on time every day. I post on social media every day like I'm, this isn't.

Kevin Palmieri 39:23

Now, you got me messed up here. This is awesome, but that's the that. No, no, that's the weird thing is, I think it does lower your self-worth if you just let somebody railroad you. But I didn't know that. Yeah, I don't want to be the delusional guy who says, well, I have nothing to learn from you, that's all in real time. That's me trying to figure out. Like, what do I do?

Alan Lazaros 39:42

yeah, I went to the one place he was ahead, which is he had reconciled with his father, and I hadn't dealt with some of the stepdad stuff yeah, and so I went there and then he tried to bring that on to you and you were. I'm good it was yeah yeah, I'm good, I'm all set I've been there.

Overcoming guilt and reinforcing boundaries

Alan Lazaros 40:00

I've been there, that was back in the day when, the truth is, we didn't know where our I mean. Now, that would be very different. It would be brother, probably not. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. It would be different for me. I don't know if it'd be different for you.

Kevin Palmieri 40:11

It'd be different for me well, then it becomes a conversation of is it worth? Okay, here's the thing when you set a boundary and you maintain a boundary, it creates the opportunity for somebody to push back, and then you have to reinforce the boundary. That that's why boundaries are so hard.

Alan Lazaros 40:26

Yeah, it's brutal.

Kevin Palmieri 40:27

Because if you go to someone and you say I get to be out of here at noon, they say no stress, love that for you, awesome. Then 11.57 comes up and you're like hey, alan, love you, dude, got to hop. As I mentioned earlier, I got something at noon. No, we haven't even eaten yet. We haven't even eaten yet. You got to eat, isn't it the 4th of July? You?

Alan Lazaros 40:47

got to, don't you have the day off? You got to eat, you got to eat.

Kevin Palmieri 40:54

I made all this food. Unfortunately for you, you're going to have to do something with that food because I told you I wasn't going to be here for the food because I have to leave Kev.

Alan Lazaros 41:08

Oh, kevv, it would mean so much to me if you stayed. I did that once to you, I'm so sorry. No, no, eight years everybody gets one.

Kevin Palmieri 41:11

I did it. Yeah, I, I was late to watch ufc because alan asked me to stay and eat pizza. It's like there's worse. There's worse things to guilt people for, but then it's just then, depending on the person, they dig the guilt hooks in deeper and you got to reset it, like I. I'm so like I'm genuinely sorry and I really do wish I could stay. If that's the truth. Yeah, but as I, as I mentioned, uh, at 9 56 this morning, by the way, I have to leave at noon because I have a I have a like a team meeting. I have a business, yeah, I own a business, and if I don't show, there can't be a meeting. I'm the business owner. I'm the business owner.

Alan Lazaros 41:51

You've got to put some respect on it.

Kevin Palmieri 41:52

You've got to put some respect on it. This is so much fun for me, this is the fun.

Alan Lazaros 41:55

Watching you do that because he's trying so hard not to be a dick when in reality. Deep down, there's a small part of you that just wants to say why don't you fuck yourself?

Kevin Palmieri 42:04

I know I'm kidding, no, no, no, it's accurate to a degree, depending on the person, depending on the person right and ultimately, this is just disrespectful. Now, I just walk off.

Alan Lazaros 42:13

I was disrespectful to you that time that's what that was.

Kevin Palmieri 42:16

I don't consider it that way.

Alan Lazaros 42:17

I would say it was a small amount, but it was still there.

Kevin Palmieri 42:20

But I very easily could have pulled dude. Yeah, I'm going to watch ufc. You got yourself into this mess. Find a way to get yourself out you're grown ass.

Kevin Palmieri 42:29

You should have said, that's what you should have said, but at the time it was like the the boundary was not worth potentially creating negativity between you and I. It's like dude, I'm just going home to watch ufc. It's not the end of the world. Ufc is going to be there when I get home, I'm just stubborn, and when I set my mind about something I want to do it, I'm very stubborn. When it comes like if I'm I to a detriment.

Alan Lazaros 42:50

How do you know that? That doesn't keep your self-worth, though. When you set a boundary and you keep the boundary, that keeps your self-worth. I've, I'm good at that with self-belief. I'm not good at that with self-worth at all. I am now. I think I've gotten better.

Kevin Palmieri 43:02

I just know it's not sustainable. If you and I build a relationship on the fact that anytime you push back on my boundaries, I drop them, that relationship is just not going to work anyway, dude, I think you've always been better at that than you think I was so bad at that.

Alan Lazaros 43:16

Man, I did the. This will be the last thing I know. We got to jump. So state-proof self-assigned is how you build self-belief. I was always good at okay, I said I'm going to go to the gym, I'm going to go to the gym, but when it came to leaving the gym at a certain time, I didn't have any of that going on. When it came to social settings, I was such a coward in hindsight when it came to following through on the promises I make to myself. When it came to self-discipline behind the scenes toward my goals and dreams, I feel like I did a good job, except for in social settings.

Alan Lazaros 43:47

And I'm convinced that self-worth is more social than it is practical. And the reason why is because usually self-worth is built on a shared value. So if everyone thinks this iPhone is worth $1,000, then that means it's worth $1,000 socially. If all of a sudden, all the iPhones go away except for this one now, it's worth $50,000. So I think self-worth is usually more social and I think self-belief is built behind the scenes and they're sort of connected. So some people think my coaching is undervalued. Some people think it's overvalued. I have certain clients that are like you need to raise your prices and I'm sitting there going. Well, do you really?

Kevin Palmieri 44:28

want me to yeah, how much yeah?

Alan Lazaros 44:31

And again, I don't because I have the same price for everyone, except for the people that are twice a week, in which case they get a discount. That's it Because I want to be fair. That's important to. That said, though, I think that you've always been pretty good at honoring social boundaries and you could always tell when you were being disrespected. I don't think I could really tell. I couldn't tell with women. You've watched me be disrespected regularly and I didn't even know Even those high school kids at that speech like there was hey, how tall are you, 6'1"? What are we? Did we just talk about growth?

Kevin Palmieri 45:03

Well, it's like shake my hand. No, really shake it.

Alan Lazaros 45:05

Yeah, shake my hand.

Kevin Palmieri 45:06

No, really, shake it Really, squeeze it. What are we doing here? You guys are at lunch. You can go eat your chicken sandwich.

Alan Lazaros 45:15

So what are we doing? Well, I think you knew that I was being disrespected.

Kevin Palmieri 45:29

I didn't think they were trying to. You know, I think it's different, because I've kind of in the past been the guy that people would kind of test oh, you train martial arts, huh, oh Well, you go to the gym. Oh, you go to the gym. How much do you bench, dude? You know how many times I've heard that how much do you bench? I don't know, I don't max out because I don't want to blow my shit out. I don't know, I couldn't tell you.

Alan Lazaros 45:46

I've never asked you that once.

Kevin Palmieri 45:49

I can do the 90 or 100 pound dumbbells, whatever that is.

Alan Lazaros 45:53

There's nothing that gives away that you're a newbie, more than asking how much you bench.

Kevin Palmieri 45:58

Yeah, ask how much I squat, or ask how much I deadlift, ask how much something else. Bench press is not the mark, it's not a good mark, but. I think I'm used to. That's something I got when I was younger, especially from men, so there was always like a subtle energetic thing when it came to that. I got that too. I just didn't know.

Alan Lazaros 46:19

I didn't know that's what was happening. That's very clearly happening, especially with men. Again, I didn't know that's what was happening. That's very clearly happening, especially with men. Again, I think men deal with this more than women, but I know women do too. It's men have again earmuffs for anyone with kids in the room.

Alan Lazaros 46:31

It's not a big deal Dick measuring, yeah, yeah, that metaphor of Dick, like I remember I worked at a golf course, dude, this was atrocious, it was all that. It was just constant, like who who makes more money? Who you know I? That's why I don't like that sport Again. If anyone out there golfs like it's nature, I get it. I'm not trying to, it's not all that. But this, this golf course that I worked at, I considered very toxic. It is, it's scary for me to say that on a public medium, but it was very toxic, especially for a prepubescent, naive, young man who thought saw the best in people. I mean, dude, it was, it was super toxic. And so, anyways, to bring this all full circle, where are your boundaries, where are your self-worth and how are they connected? And how do you, how do you level, set them to where there is, is conducive or serves you in a way that serves you. Yeah.

Lessons in self-respect and decision-making

Kevin Palmieri 47:21

I'm going to add this really quick. I think, if anything, if you again, I don't know boundary setting I feel like I'm pretty strong. I don't know if I've always been strong, I don't know. I think it's very similar where I've stated I've proved and I've self-assigned I am going to go to this, but I'm going to leave at X time Yep that. And then I say that I'm going to leave at X time, Yep that. And then I say that I'm going to do it, I prove to myself that I'm going to do it. And then when I leave, I say I know, I feel like I do feel shame because I know right now I'm getting judged by the people that I just set the boundary to.

Kevin Palmieri 47:53

Potentially Not always, but potentially and let me sit with that and see what it feels like. What does it feel like? What do I feel? Would I do anything different? No, what's going to happen next time I see them? Are they going to respect me more or less? I don't know If I've learned anything. If I've learned anything, it depends on the group that you're with, but the person who has the strongest boundary and is the first one to leave opens the floodgates for everybody else who wants to leave too.

Alan Lazaros 48:25

I've noticed that do you think that self-respect is something you've always optimized for? I don't think I did unconsciously like I don't think I was. I realize in hindsight a lot of my lack of boundaries hurt my self-respect and I feel like people only respect you to the extent that you honor your own boundaries in a way I think people respect you to the degree you respect yourself right unless they're.

Alan Lazaros 48:55

I think that I wanted to be liked, so you always were naturally liked, so maybe you didn't have as much of an aversion, because for me I wanted to be liked. Unconsciously I wasn't consciously trying to be liked, but unconsciously, I think, I wanted to be likable and because of that I didn't want to disappoint people. So I didn't want to leave. I was like I would just oh okay, let's do what people want. But then I lost self-respect and I think I lost their respect too, which then makes them stomp on your boundaries even more in a way yeah that's fair.

Alan Lazaros 49:23

Whereas you felt likable, so you were like okay, well, I'm going to keep my self-respect because I need to out of self-preservation.

Kevin Palmieri 49:32

Well, I think most of the circumstances I found myself in always tested my self-respect. I didn't have a lot of self-respect when I was pumping gas I didn't have a lot of self-respect when I was working at the hospital.

Alan Lazaros 49:39

No way.

Kevin Palmieri 49:40

No way. So I think in my mind it's like, well, this is an opportunity for me to actually have some. I don't feel like circumstantially I have much. I think that's what it was, but when I was younger I definitely didn't have this, especially with women. I would. I remember I was supposed to hang out with a girl, like in high school, and I would text. I'd be like yeah, no, I understand. Your phone got picked up by a seagull.

Alan Lazaros 50:02

What are the odds?

Kevin Palmieri 50:03

Again. What are the odds? Yeah, okay, thursday. Thursday at 3 pm Works for me.

Alan Lazaros 50:09

Works for me. Yeah, self-worth and self-belief. It's so important you don't both Just look at the past.

Kevin Palmieri 50:15

The past is most likely going to tell you why you feel would say that would be my, my ending great episode man.

Kevin Palmieri 50:22

So, if you can't tell, at nlu we are trying something new. This is we're 49 minutes in, so alan, and I realize I'm going to take you behind the scenes because we got a little extra time. Alan and I realize that we like longer episodes. It's very hard when there's like a 20 minute timer and again, I'm not saying we're not going to do 20 minute episodes occasionally, but we're trying to make sure that we have more time to get into flow and have deeper conversations and tell better stories and genuinely add more value. But I enjoy it more and Alan enjoys it more, and when you enjoy something it's more sustainable, right?

Alan Lazaros 50:58

I don't want to hopefully the listeners enjoy it more as well. That's the goal we're trying to do we have an hour on the calendar for every episode in 2025. So we're going to try to stick with that.

Kevin Palmieri 51:08

And again we're going to try to honor that.

Alan Lazaros 51:10

We're going to need some grace for sure, yeah, for sure 100%, but occasionally it's hey man, I got to go in five minutes and it's very rushed and I talk way Alan's a little intense when we are compressed, definitely.

Kevin Palmieri 51:23

So we're trying to do better on that. So I appreciate all the understanding in advance. And again, I think I don't know, is it going to be harder to listen to an episode every day? Maybe it might be a little bit harder because they're longer, but I think the episodes will be better Agreed. That's my thought. All right, if you never want to miss an opportunity to get to the next level and you're down to ride with Alan and Kevin and their weird stories about how they have been losers for most of their life, make sure you're subscribed to whatever platform you are watching or listening on. That way, you never miss an episode when we drop it.

Alan Lazaros 51:58

Oh man, If you.

Alan Lazaros 52:02

I was going to say if you feel like a loser and you want to become not one, don't call us no. But seriously, if you do want to achieve your goals and dreams, reverse engineer the finish line, get clarity on priorities, metrics, habits, goals for 2025, please reach out. My favorite work in the world I've doubled, tripled, quadrupled down on coaching 28 individuals right now and it is awesome. I mean, we are kicking butt and I'm actually excited for two calls I have later today that we're going to talk about everything we learned in 2024, everything we accomplished in 2024. So, if you want to accomplish more, I promise I will help you do that. Boom.

Kevin Palmieri 52:38

As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow. Please reach out.

Alan Lazaros 52:54

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family. We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri 53:04

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.