What Does It Mean To “Lean Into It”? (1952)

It’s time to rethink how we approach fear and resistance! In this episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros discuss how “leaning into resistance” can transform fear into confidence and hesitance into progress. They reveal how embracing discomfort leads to personal breakthroughs through relatable stories and honest conversations. Whether you’re grappling with self-doubt, tackling new skills, or stepping into your true self, this episode will inspire you to take that next step.

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Show notes:
(2:48) Defining resistance and leaning into it
(4:31) A playful story about group coaching
(6:15) The importance of owning insecurities
(9:37) Vulnerability as a path to connection
(15:13) Resistance Vs. Fear in goal setting
(22:24) At NLU, we want you to win! So, we’re giving tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month at 5 PM.
(28:22) Balancing authenticity with personal growth
(38:15) Do you need to change for your goals?
(40:18) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri 0:00

my definition of lean into it is it's two things. It's one it's either go with the flow of the thing that you're trying to avoid or make a gentle commitment to testing. So I can imagine how hard it would be for somebody who has a very, very, very negative view of sales to just say I'm gonna go all in on learning sales like.

Alan Lazaros 0:28

There's two different types of this, I think one of them's owning who you fucking are and the and the authenticity, and the other one is like owning who you're not, but you still have to work on it. Like organization, you have to own that you're not naturally organized and then work on it to achieve your goals. I have to just own the fact that I'm hyper-organized and that's how I'm wired and that that's actually a good thing, not a bad thing, even though it's caused me massive pain from relationships that weren't aligned.

Kevin Palmieri 0:57

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin.

Alan Lazaros 1:00

Palmieri and I'm your co-host, alan Lazarus, at.

Kevin Palmieri 1:05

NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros 1:11

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri 1:17

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Alan Lazaros 1:40

Welcome to.

Kevin Palmieri 1:41

Next Level University. Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1,952,. What does it mean to lean into it Now, if you played baseball, softball when you were younger? I'm not talking about when somebody throws an inside pitch and you throw that knee out a little bit, just take it off the edge, free base. I'm not talking about that. Alan and I were talking before this and we were talking about how. We were talking about the fear of success and the fear of failure and all that stuff, and Alan said something. He said no-transcript.

Alan Lazaros 2:48

Where we discuss, people say there's resistance. I don't want to do it if there's resistance. This episode is about the opposite of that, which is there is resistance. I'm owning that there's resistance and I'm going to lean into it. And so the story that I have for this one I was talking to Kev off air.

Alan Lazaros 3:08

There was a group coaching session with group 17, all podcasters, and the first session for me is always the awkward one because no one knows each other yet and meeting strangers is scary for me because I'm unique, unique New York no, I'm unique and I was wearing a red shirt. I don't know if it was this one. I don't think it was this one. Maybe it was this one. I think it was probably this one and I said I'm going to try. My only goal on today's group coaching session is to try to get as red as this shirt and I think people laughed. That was me leaning into it. That was me realizing okay, these are new people, I'm intense, I'm going to try to unlock everyone's potential and I'm probably going to come in hot and rah and everyone's going to be super insecure. And again, this is all irrational fear. None of that's actually true. That was just all my irrational fears Although some of it's true, I'm sure you know, I'm sure that's somewhat true Then when I leaned into I'm going to try to get as red as this shirt. That was basically a couple of things happening. Number one I'm going to be. I'm owning the fact that this is uncomfortable, not just for me but for everyone.

Alan Lazaros 4:31

Imagine a group me, amy Kev and 12 strangers that don't know each other yet, and usually we do introductions in the WhatsApp group first, where people kind of get to know each other ahead of time. This time there was sort of two people that came in last minute and we didn't have time to do the intros because they weren't in the WhatsApp group. Usually we wait for everybody to be in there before we do the intros, all that stuff. So not only had no one known each other yet, but we didn't introduce have them introduce each other yet. So everyone's a little bit uncertain. What's this program going to be? Who are these other people? Do I fit in, do I not? What's this? A lot of uncertainty, uncertainty, uncertainty. So, number one I say I'm going to get as red as this shirt. It says number one he's playful enough to make fun of himself. He's admitting the fact that he's uncomfortable. He's red as shit and we can all see that. And these bright ass lights in my studio are not great they don't help.

The importance of owning insecurities

Alan Lazaros 5:28

In my opinion, they don't help and if he's able to be vulnerable and insecure, that makes me feel more secure and even though the reason for that insecurity is different, it doesn't change the fact that I'm just going to own the fact that I'm uncomfortable and I think that that's what leaning into it is, whereas what a lot of people we've looked at youtube videos and different things in the past, and one of them was self-discipline doesn't work and all this stuff and I don't know you were kind of myth busters. We don't agree. We think self-discipline is critical. We think resistance and leaning into resistance is critical. One of the reasons why everyone watching or listening doesn't hasn't achieved all of their goals and dreams yet is because there's something outside your comfort zone that you're not willing to do.

Alan Lazaros 6:15

Yet I have an audio message that I'm going to be sending to a client that I'm uncomfortable to send, but I'm also excited because there's a big opportunity. I'm acknowledging that I'm fearful before I send it and then there's a part of me that wants to avoid it and I'm just going to lean in and do it and it's on my MIT list and I'm making sure in my head. I said this to myself before this day ends. Before 7.30,. I close the store metaphorically. I'm sending that fucking audio.

Kevin Palmieri 6:42

You got to Z out the register, don.

Alan Lazaros 6:43

I'm sending that fucking audio. You gotta Z out the register.

Kevin Palmieri 6:45

Don't forget to Z out the register.

Alan Lazaros 6:46

That's a rookie move. I'll make sure I do, whatever that means. You know what it means, but lean in is okay. I am insecure about other people thinking I'm too much. One last example For anyone watching or listening, who listened to yesterday's episode I said something along the lines of maybe that's why people don't like me.

Alan Lazaros 7:08

And then Kevin said I don't know if I'm supposed to agree or disagree in these moments and he said I think one of the reasons is you don't like small talk, blah, blah, blah. Later on, after that episode was recorded, I was thinking about is it an empowering belief or a limiting belief that I think people don't like me? And I thought about it, thought about it, thought about it and this came up. I think it's empowering because I'm leaning into it, which will make me less scared of it If I just own it, like I'm not an easily likable person. I feel like my life got way better when I started owning the fact that I'm not an easily likable person. And people always say not always, but certain people like oh no, no, you're likable. It's like listen I, I own it. It's okay, you might like me, but generally speaking, that is a fact.

Alan Lazaros 7:55

I've lived me, I've lived as me for 36 years. There's something inside of me that triggers people. I know what it is. It's tenacity, it's. I had a very challenging, challenging childhood. I'm extremely dialed in. I'm very, very fucking intense and I'm dialing it down most of the time and you can feel it. It's like a. I can't even take it all out right now on the podcast because I will scare all the listeners away. But it's there. It's always there, 24 7, 365. It's always fucking there. It never goes out. It's something that's very intimidating. So I have to learn when to dial it up, when to dial it down, play with it, but owning it, leaning in okay, I'm not an easily likable person.

Alan Lazaros 8:34

Okay, I'm going to accept that and ironically, paradoxically, I think I'll be more likable. Cool, and so it's known as paradoxical intention. If you say I'm anxious and I want to try not to be anxious, it makes you more anxious in the psychology. If you say you know what, I'm going to be as anxious as I possibly can. I'm not guaranteeing this because I don't deal with anxiety. But what paradoxical intention is, is it actually makes you less anxious when you just own your anxiety. You just own it, just accept it, own it, lean into it, and I think that's a really powerful thing. And you're right, we've never talked about it before, probably because I sucked at it.

Kevin Palmieri 9:15

I think one of the hardest things about anxiety is if you get and again, this has been my experience, but if you get anxious around people, you don't want to tell people, but when you tell people it makes it so much easier, because I think a piece of anxiety and we'll get back to the point, I promise is you don't want people to know that you're anxious and you want to hide it, but when you let people know it makes you feel safer.

Alan Lazaros 9:37

I just had a moment. What do you got? I think, and you correct me if I'm wrong- I will correct you. So Kevin said to me you don't have anxiety. Okay, true or false?

Kevin Palmieri 9:52

the time when I hit the bong that was is that anxiety? That's anxiety, yes.

Alan Lazaros 9:55

Oh, it was the worst, the worst. I was like Kev. How long is this going to last?

Kevin Palmieri 9:59

Can I tell the story? Oh my goodness, a bong story about Alan Lazarus on Nexon University.

Alan Lazaros 10:04

Dude, I can't tell you I have never not regretted it. Marijuana any? No? Well, yeah, probably. I don't think there's ever a time where I've used marijuana most, where I didn't regret it.

Kevin Palmieri 10:17

Most people don't use the right amount.

Alan Lazaros 10:18

I was talking to somebody. I was talking to somebody.

Kevin Palmieri 10:21

I will, I will keep this anonymous. And they were talking about how. They said something along the lines of I'll wake up and I'll take a 100 milligram edible. A hundred, a hundred milligram edible.

Alan Lazaros 10:34

No, and.

Kevin Palmieri 10:35

I was like no way I take. I get a bag of 20 gummies that are five milligrams each and I break them in half. I take two and a half milligrams and that's good. It's good for me, it's good, it's usually very relaxing. But if you go 100 mg, 100 mg, dude, and again this person shout out to you if you're listening, but very high tolerance, just a very high tolerance. Alan and I were spending time together back in the day. We were podcasting together at this point, but it wasn't a business Seven years ago.

Alan Lazaros 11:08

Yeah, it wasn't a business, it wasn't serious.

Kevin Palmieri 11:10

In my late 20s and it was one of those times where we were kind of hanging out. It was very rare, I think we played.

Alan Lazaros 11:16

Call of Duty. I think this was like a Father's Day right.

Kevin Palmieri 11:21

Because we used to spend Father's Day together before we no, I don't think so and was it actually a bong?

Alan Lazaros 11:28

or was it a? Yeah, it was a bong.

Kevin Palmieri 11:29

I had a bong and it was a good one. It was a nice bong, very nice, and I was like, hey, man, I'm gonna hit this, you want to hit this, and I don't know if he had ever done it. I think you were just like, yeah, what do I do?

Alan Lazaros 11:40

I was like I hadn't with yours, I had done again. I would paint it up in maine and for summer and they were all big into marijuana and I would dabble but I was never. I never did more than dabble with marijuana genuinely and I don't think I've ever not regretted it.

Kevin Palmieri 11:56

Well, alan, took too big of a hit. This is why, if you're somebody who doesn't partake, often in marijuana, the last thing you want to do is use a bong. It's very hard to control how much you intake.

Alan Lazaros 12:06

It's very hard to control how much you intake.

Kevin Palmieri 12:07

It's a very terrible idea, and right after he hit it. I was like, ah shit, and he starts the uncontrollable bong cough after and I was like, oh no, this is going to be bad and I put Alan to bed.

Alan Lazaros 12:21

I had Alan lie down on the couch and he's like dude.

Kevin Palmieri 12:25

oh my god, I don't know man. How long is this gonna last? And I was like oh dude, now 45 minutes an hour you lied to me I had to face a lot. Just take a nap man just take a nap. And I felt so bad. I was like, oh no. But I was also anxious too, because I was like, well, what if something happens? I'm not gonna be able to take care of us. So that's the bong rip story. How did we get?

Alan Lazaros 12:45

there. Uh, we were talking about paradoxical intention and how if you do have anxiety, owning it helps it sometimes I don't know that.

Kevin Palmieri 12:54

I don't know that was anxiety well, okay, think of it think of it this way. Imagine and again we'll get to the point, I promise. But imagine if you pretended you weren't and then fought the battle internally by yourself. It didn't say like Kev. I'm kind of freaking out.

Alan Lazaros 13:11

Then you'd wonder.

Kevin Palmieri 13:12

Yeah, you needed to nap it off. But then you'd wonder is Kev judging me? Am I acting differently? Is this okay? Is this normal? I think that's a really good.

Kevin Palmieri 13:25

One of the hardest parts about me being sick recently was it made me so anxious about breathing almost the whole time that it the sick, like not feeling good part was like it's not the end of the world, it's not. It's not that big of a deal. I'll rest. But there'd be certain times where I'd be laying in bed and since I was stuffed up and congested, I would be like am I? I don't, am I struggling to breathe or am I just? And and then it gets in your head. Sometimes I can't even walk on the treadmill because I get super anxious. That happens still to this day, to this day. That happens. That would happen in jujitsu. If I pushed it too hard, I'd have a moment of like can I not breathe? Can I breathe? Is this normal? It's wonky. Anxiety is a weird, freaking thing.

Kevin Palmieri 14:11

But Lean into it, lean into it. This is my thought. My definition of lean into it is it's two things. It's one it's either go with the flow of the thing that you're trying to avoid, with the flow of the thing that you're trying to avoid, or make a gentle commitment to testing. So I can imagine how hard it would be for somebody who has a very, very, very negative view of sales to just say, okay, I'm going to go all in on learning sales, versus saying, well, I'm going to lean into sales a little bit more. All that means is you're open to the opportunity of experimenting with it, and I think that's why it's important, because it's not all or nothing. It's not well, I'm going from not something to 100% something. No, that doesn't happen anyway. That's not the way it works. But if you're open to the idea, then you lean into it. Okay, maybe what's a good example?

Alan Lazaros 15:13

What did? You lean into. What did you have to lean into to get to where you are today?

Kevin Palmieri 15:21

What did I have to lean into?

Alan Lazaros 15:24

Let me ask a better question. Better question, better answer.

Kevin Palmieri 15:27

Yeah, answer your questions suck hey, yeah, you think people think we hate each other, like behind the scenes, like when we get off here it's like all right, dude, I'll talk to you when I have to talk to you next. No, I don't think so.

Alan Lazaros 15:45

No, it's the energy. I think it's very obvious that we don't hate each other. Real quick, better question can you explain why you think the resistance thing is not optimal for someone who wants to reach their goals? I think this has been a big thing over the last eight years where kev would get advice of not optimal for someone who wants to reach their goals. I think this has been a big thing over the last eight years where Kev would get advice of you know, I feel too much resistance. I don't think that's, and you always thought that was not intelligent, because you felt resistance towards so many things that were actually good for you.

Kevin Palmieri 16:24

I think oftentimes the things that you feel resistance towards are the things that you just don't understand yet, or you don't understand the benefit, or there's just fear or uncertainty. Like I could never you know what. It's really easy to feel resistance towards something you don't think you can do Because now you save yourself from any fear, any embarrassment, any. It's just that self-fulfilling prophecy of well, I could never do that.

Alan Lazaros 16:51

I'll just villainize it. Therefore, I never have to do it, so I think that's one of the reasons. That's do you think that's what people are doing? Because I think some resistance is I. I always used to say this there's a big difference between I don't think I can hit the ball and I don't even think I'm I want to swing like I'm not even sure I want to hit the ball. Even if I hit the ball out of the park, I might regret it. I think that's resistance. The I don't think I can hit the home run. That's not resistance, that's just fear.

Kevin Palmieri 17:16

Yeah, yeah, I think it's common. I think it's common.

Alan Lazaros 17:20

but the problem is fear masks itself as intuition, and that's why this lean in thing is so powerful.

Kevin Palmieri 17:28

Go ahead, sorry no, no, you're good. You're good. I think it depends on that's. The thing is there's a difference between you saying I'm gonna lean into my insecurity right same here I'm. I'll use me as an example, because I know me better night, better than I know you I've leaned into. I'm not like Alan. I'm not Alan and I are very different. I'm the one who I'm going to tell jokes. I'm so excited we could talk about a bong rip. That made my day.

Kevin Palmieri 18:00

I'm self-improvement. Self-improvement is one of the things I'm most passionate about ever of all times, changed my life in more ways than anything else. And I also like having a whiskey on a Friday. I like watching UFC for 12 hours. I like eating pizza. I like that. I'm a normal dude with extraordinary goals and above average consistency and habits. That that's what I want to be and I want to be able to have small talk and I want to be able to talk to that. That's what I want to be and I want to be able to have small talk and I want to be able to talk to anybody Like. That's all very important to me. When I go. I was supposed to get my hair cut today. I have a blast with the person that cuts my hair, depending on who it is.

Alan Lazaros 18:39

So for you leaning into, You're leaning into being likable.

Kevin Palmieri 18:46

No, that comes naturally to me Leaning. I have had to lean into understanding that and again, this might sound arrogant. I don't mean it that way, that my time is valuable and I can't just be likable Because if I just focus on, like, alright, I'm supposed to have a 30 minute call with this person today, but I also have something very, very important that has to happen. I can't just stay on this on the phone for an hour and a half because I want this person to like me. There has to be some strategy behind what I do too.

Alan Lazaros 19:15

So what is? What do our listeners lean into? Are you supposed to lean into the things that you're afraid of?

Kevin Palmieri 19:23

yes, I think if you're insecure about I'm insecure about short, I need to lean into the fact that I'm short. You're short Because if I don't like there's these videos I see all the time all the time is an over-exaggeration. I've seen before where and we've mentioned it somebody will go to like a bodybuilding convention and they'll bring a scale and a tape measure it. Somebody will go to like a bodybuilding convention and they'll bring a scale and a tape measure. In the bodybuilding industry, everybody I won't say everybody lies. It's very important. That's like the measurement, like how tall is this person, how much do they weigh? And there's a. It's a sign of being on when you know how tall you are and how much you weigh. For some reason, especially for men, it's like a weird thing and some people get unbelievably angry how tall are you? Uh, six, three, six, three, what are you weighing? Nowadays about 275. They pull out the tape measure. It's like all right, cool, you mind if we get the measurement like no come on man.

Alan Lazaros 20:19

Why we don't?

Kevin Palmieri 20:19

have to. Why are we doing that here? It's like I would. I hope somebody does that to me one day, because I I will say 5.5, I think 5.5 on a good day, maybe 5.4, depending on how much I squatted yesterday. And then what do you weigh that? I don't care about 183.2 today, because why would I do the other thing when that's the thing that's going to create more? And when you tell a lie, you've got to keep telling lies to keep the lie going. So I think leaning into the truth is one thing which is hard to do if you're insecure, right?

Alan Lazaros 20:55

so if you're insecure about being short, the last thing you want to do is say I'm probably barely five, five yes, yeah, yeah, okay.

Kevin Palmieri 21:02

when, in reality, if this person is like negative, they're trying to get me on a lie, they want me to say 5'8" because it makes for good content. But why would I ever do that? I've talked about this publicly so many times. For me, it's like this is normal.

Alan Lazaros 21:19

You've been doing the correct, you've been leaning into that for a long time. I've been trying. I've been trying Because I'm 6'2", but I'm not. I'm 6'2".

Kevin Palmieri 21:29

but I'm not. I'm 6'1 3⁄4", so I just round it up. Why not round up to 6'6", 6'5" 6'6".

Alan Lazaros 21:33

You know what I mean? Because that's the dumbest shit ever. That's the dumbest shit ever. I can't even. I used to watch wrestling.

Kevin Palmieri 21:42

And they used to like professional wrestling. It was like this guy is 6'6", 350 pounds. I'm like whoa man. Wait, that other guy's 6'2" though, and the same height as him. Somebody's lying about their height, but it's a show You're supposed to, yeah it's brutal. You want that to be there.

Alan Lazaros 21:59

Embellishment the more secure you get in life, the less you will embellish I. You get in life, the less you will embellish I. I do believe that's true.

Kevin Palmieri 22:12

Yeah, that's fair, that's fair. What have you had to lean into?

At NLU, we want you to win! So, we're giving tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month at 5 PM.

Alan Lazaros 22:14

to achieve your goals that I didn't want to lights. Yeah, yeah, of course organization sales strategy nlu listener what is happening?

Alan Lazaros 22:26

I just wanted to jump in here and let you know if you want to get to the next level faster. We have a free virtual monthly meetup at the first Thursday of every month. You can connect with like-minded people and become a bigger part of this amazing global community. The link to register will be in the show notes. But isn't leaning in owning that you're not organized and then going to work on it, I think leaning in is being open to it.

Kevin Palmieri 22:53

To start Leaning in suggests that I'm going to move closer to that. I don't know what it's like yet. I think that's why there's two thoughts I have for leaning in. One is it's an insecurity that you have that you want to make friends with. I think the only way to do that is to lean into it. Lean leaning in eventually turns to owning it. That's one thought. And then the other thought is it's something that maybe isn't an insecurity, it's just something that you're not ready to identify as.

Kevin Palmieri 23:26

So you lean into it a little bit more. You lean into it. You lean into it Maybe. Maybe you want to be somebody that's like in the fitness arena. Maybe you don't go out and buy the nice clothes and the water bottle and this and this and this, Maybe you go, buy, you download an app first. You lean into that more. You don't. If you want to be a runner, maybe you download the app. You lean into running. You don't buy the new shoes and this and this and this and this and this. You lean into it just to test the waters a little bit. It just allows you to be open with the thing. I think. I think that's what leaning in means to me, those two things.

Alan Lazaros 24:04

I think a lot of success and fulfillment comes down to identifying what you're actually insecure about. Because with the organization thing and again Kevin and I are just using us as examples we want you thinking about your own life yourself. You have to lean into the fact that you're not like, accepting that you're not naturally organized, and then work on getting more organized in order to achieve your goals. I have to lean into the fact that I'm hyper-organized and it makes other people feel like a mess. Like what's a good example of this?

Alan Lazaros 24:44

I had a client of mine say this to me earlier today. He said you're a hardcore motherfucker and I was like. And I was like I don't think so at all, like I appreciate you, but like I feel like I'm soft as fuck. I want to be more intense, not less like this is not it for me. I got another level, sir. I don't feel that organized. The reason I'm so organized is because I don't think I'm organized enough. This is all paradox. I don't think anyone. I don't think anyone. That sounds pretentious. I never understood how much of a paradox everything is. When you first met me and we were working out together, you eventually admitted to me that one of the reasons you were insecure around me is because I was not insecure. Yes, it made me insecure when you were insecure about me not being insecure. You see how.

Alan Lazaros 25:54

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and that's what you leaned into Exactly, and I've just been more vulnerable and honest about it. Yeah, I'm not insecure about not being organized. I'm insecure about being so much more organized than other people that they feel bad about themselves.

Kevin Palmieri 26:09

Well, that doesn't, I don't want to make you feel bad about yourself.

Alan Lazaros 26:11

I just and I want, but yet, ironically, I need to help people be more organized, because they come to me to help them achieve their goals. You can't achieve your goals without being organized. Like I know that sounds like I'm making fun of people. I'm not, I just you just can't. It's. It's comical to think you could, to be completely honest, go ahead.

Kevin Palmieri 26:31

I think that's authenticity, I think that thing right there. I think there's authenticity and then there's, I don't know, let's say, utility. Hypothetically, authenticity is if I actually want to represent who I am internally in the external world, I have to lean into that piece of me more, lean in the comedy part of me. I love making people laugh. If you notice, I always try to do it in the podcast. That's. I need to lean more into that. But you're not insecure about that.

Kevin Palmieri 27:02

No, but I don't think it's just insecurity. I don't think it's just insecurity.

Alan Lazaros 27:07

How does someone know whether to lean in or not? That's like.

Kevin Palmieri 27:12

It helps you get your goals. It's directly connected to you. I've met so many people I've met so many people, so many podcasters who want to do coaching in the way that we do it, and when I start talking to them about sales, they say no, no, I don't want to do coaching in the way that we do it. And when I start talking to them about sales, they say no, no, I don't want to do sales. Good luck, you have to lean into that in your own unique version.

Alan Lazaros 27:35

Not leaning into not wanting to do it.

Kevin Palmieri 27:36

No, lean into learning, learning about it testing out the waters, rebuilding the, even if leaning into it just means understanding what your current relationship is. Cool, let's start start there. I think that's because that's directly connected to your goals in some way, shape or form. If you want to be the most authentic version of yourself and you want to feel like you're you wherever you go, then you have to be, you have to lean more into being authentic. That's directly connected to your goals. I would say that just because it's almost like when you're leaning into something, you're leaning away from something else that doesn't serve you.

Alan Lazaros 28:11

Yeah. I, I need to lean into but sometimes you're leaning into something you don't want, and then other times you're leaning into something you are.

Kevin Palmieri 28:22

What's that?

Alan Lazaros 28:22

person. Do you know what I mean?

Kevin Palmieri 28:24

No, what do you when you say leaning into something you don't want? What do you? What do you know what I mean? No, what do you when you say leaning into something?

Alan Lazaros 28:29

you don't want. What do you? What do you mean? You'll have an example in the case with the sales. They want to be a coach, but they don't like sales. They have to lean into sales to be a coach. Yeah, from my perspective, I have to lean into the thing that I already am and own it. Like there's two different types of this. I think one of them is owning who you fucking are Authenticity, authenticity. And the other one is like owning who you're not, but you still have to work on it. Like organization, you have to own that you're not naturally organized and then work on it to achieve your goals. I have to just own the fact that I'm hyper organized and that's how I'm wired and that that's actually a good thing, not a bad thing, even though it's caused me massive pain from relationships that weren't aligned.

Kevin Palmieri 29:19

And then isn't there another one where you can also lean into? You can lean into you've used the example before of your relationship and this person wanted you to go away for like two weeks at a time, and I think at one point you leaned into it a little bit to then test the waters and then realize like there's no possible, I can't do this and this isn't who I am. So you leaned into it and it wasn't necessarily what's best for you and then you realized you didn't want to go that way.

Alan Lazaros 29:49

So that's another one, I guess well, one that was big this year for me was working on christmas and christmas eve. You, you didn't want to, so you leaned into who you are right and I did want to and I leaned into who I am and, ironically, both of us were insecure about it. I was afraid to share it I was afraid too like because people they project onto you that that you shouldn't work christmas eve. I don't know what just happened to my hold on.

Kevin Palmieri 30:14

Alan has been abducted by aliens.

Alan Lazaros 30:16

I'm gonna finish this episode solo it's.

Alan Lazaros 30:20

This is why it's so hard to do this episode is because what you have to lean in. So if you're insecure about something, you lean into it and own it. If you, if it's a part of who you are already, but you're insecure because maybe that's triggering to other people, you got to lean into it and own it. And then if, if it is required, if it's something you don't want to do or you're afraid of that is required for your goals, you still you have to lean into that.

Kevin Palmieri 30:48

So let's do this. Let's put it this way and again this is my. This is what I love about the podcast is we can just kind of see what happens. If you are afraid that all of you is too much, you need to lean into your too muchness, as long as you're just not a dick. You know some people out there like, yeah, they couldn't handle me, I was too much. Like, yeah, you might just be an asshole. Honestly, it's very possible.

Alan Lazaros 31:09

You probably are right there's that's different.

Kevin Palmieri 31:11

That's different if you lose sleep at night because you don't feel like you can be you, because you intimidate people. That's different than saying like well, I, I really gave it to that person. Like there was, you know, I told him exactly what I was thinking. It's like, well, that's doesn't necessarily mean anything. That means you're not a great communicator potentially. I'm going to share this real quick this morning.

Alan Lazaros 31:31

What are three words that best describe your next level of self? This is, in the Next Level, dreamliner. I said courageous, driven and effective I thought about earlier, before I wrote courageous, I thought about those people who say I'm unapologetically me. Those are people who are just like I don't care if I'm a dick, fuck it. And it's like you know what, though that's not actual vulnerability, because you do that might not be who you really are. You might be just egoing up to protect yourself from criticism rather than actually being authentic, and that's a whole nother episode at some point. But fake authenticity versus actual authenticity.

Alan Lazaros 32:08

Actual authenticity is I am actually afraid of being, of coming off as a dick. I am afraid of coming off as a dick. However, I also need to lean into who the fuck I am, which is someone who actually believes you have to work hard to achieve your goals, and if someone's lazy and has huge goals, you're in trouble, and I want to help you with that by saying, hey, you might be lazy, I'm not trying to be a dick, but I want to help, and I think that that's one of them is like screw what people think and feel. The other one is I'm gonna be me and I'm gonna try to do it in a way that takes into account how people think and feel. However, I also am not at the expense of who I am.

Kevin Palmieri 32:51

My thought is, if you're afraid that all of you is not enough, you have to lean into that insecurity in order to make friends with it and then coexist with it. That's what lean in means to me from that. That's what lean in means to me from that. If you're somebody that thinks all of you is too much, you need to lean into that, because you most likely have lived your life in a very misaligned, never being authentic way and you probably feel deep down that you would rather be hated for who you are than liked for someone you're not because you're not going to like yourself who you are than liked for someone you're not because you're not going to like yourself. And then I think the third version is if you have a specific goal in mind, a specific result that you want, leaning in is leaning into the behaviors and attributes of somebody that would be capable of achieving that. And all three of those are scary in their own unique, different ways. But that's why it's always hard to have certain topics, because it depends on who you are. I'm not afraid of being too much. I've always felt not enough. I'm not afraid of being too much. That doesn't resonate with me, alan. Being not enough does not resonate with him. Different sides leaning more into developing a skill. I think we can all resonate to some degree with the discomfort that that might cause. Maybe it's not the fact that you don't think you can do it. Maybe it's not the fact that you don't think you can be good at it. Maybe it's all the internal feelings you have about the thing that you have to work through. That's what leaning in is.

Kevin Palmieri 34:26

I didn't think I would be good at sales. I didn't think I could ever be good at sales, but it was more the fact that I hated it. So I had to be open to the idea of lean. Just let me lean in, let me get closer to the flame. I'm not going to jump all the way in, but let me get a little bit closer and see, and then I get a little, and then eventually I think you're trying to help people lean into the thing that you used to villainize and now you don't anymore because you see the benefits of it. It's a wild episode, deep. What's your wrap up here, sir? You have a wrap up.

Alan Lazaros 35:01

Yeah, what people think you are is different than what you are. Everything's different from the outside in than it is from the inside out. So from the outside in, my client thinks I'm a hardcore mother, effer or whatever. From the inside out, I feel like I'm not intense enough. I need to be more dialed in. I genuinely need to be more dialed in, like I'm not just saying that In order for me to achieve my goals. There's no question that I'm unorganized. I'm not organized enough. I'm not dialed in enough, I'm not intense enough. I'm not. Anytime you allow anyone to define you from the outside, it's based on their perspective because, compared to this person, I am more hardcore than him, but I'm. That doesn't mean I'm hardcore compared to what I need to be and, statistically speaking, I rationally know that I am hardcore, intense, driven, focused, organized.

Alan Lazaros 36:05

That doesn't matter in my life, with my goals. In a way, you know what I mean.

Kevin Palmieri 36:11

Yeah.

Alan Lazaros 36:11

It's like I can say, kevin, you're so strong. It's like, well, if you want to be the strongest man on earth, you're not. You're weak as shit. So I think that anytime you allow anyone to define you or to get you to be a certain way, that is detrimental to your goals. If your goals are actually aligned with who you are, well said.

Kevin Palmieri 36:39

Thank you, man. I would say doing the thing that scares you is not a bad thing. If doing the thing that scares you Is not a bad thing, if doing the thing that scares you Is necessary. Overcoming that fear Is necessary to become who you want to be. There are certain things that you Like. I'm never going to just Lay in a snake pit. It just doesn't make any sense. I'm not going to lean into snakes, it just doesn't make why. For what reason? It doesn't make any sense. There's no benefit. Well, there is. There's not a specific enough benefit based on where I want to go. So I could say I'm not afraid of snakes. It doesn't really make any sense. I could take that and put that into so many other places that are actually applicable.

Alan Lazaros 37:19

Last question.

Kevin Palmieri 37:19

I know we gotta jump.

Alan Lazaros 37:28

For someone who is afraid to not be enough, that all of you is not enough. Quote unquote to your quote Do you feel like you have to be different to achieve your goals? Because I feel like I have to be different to stay in relationships. Yeah, it's almost. Like does it feel inauthentic for you to be the chief sales officer? I know it doesn't anymore, but like, yeah, sometimes, yeah, okay, so that's what people mean by resistance. I think is like well, if I want this goal, I have to change who I am to achieve it. Of course you do.

Kevin Palmieri 38:03

Of course you do, it could feel dirty though right.

Alan Lazaros 38:08

How do you know when it's something you should change or something you should say that goal's not worth it.

Kevin Palmieri 38:15

I don't know if you can do that. I don't know if you can do that without experiencing. This will be the last thing I say. Of course it can feel dirty between the time where you are one identity evolving to a second identity, because for a lot of that time where you are one identity evolving to a second identity, because for a lot of that time you are pretending I'm not saying you're faking it until you're making it, but you are kind of becoming somebody that you're not and maybe somebody that you've never been, and that's scary as shit, especially if you have any negative associations with any of that stuff.

Alan Lazaros 38:43

That's how I felt in relationships. That's how I felt in relationships. That's so fascinating.

Alan Lazaros 38:46

I'll have to do a part two maybe yeah, I think that's an episode is, I think the people who feel the last thing I say. I think the people who feel like all of you is not enough. Deep down, I think it feels like you have to be different to achieve your goals. I think for the people who feel like all of them is too much. I think you feel like you have to be different to be in relationship with most people. I don't feel like I have to be different at all in any way to be with Emilia. You're the next closest and it's a gap. I don't feel like I have to be different than who I am to achieve my goals, other than the relationship aspect of it. It's so fascinating I don't know if I know when to lean into who you really are, or when to lean into your you really are, or when to lean into your weaknesses, to like improve them.

Kevin Palmieri 39:31

It's very it's very fascinating. I think the goal is always to do both at the same time, because the outcome is hopefully the same you become the best version of yourself. I just think different people have different seasons of which ones to do. I don't know. If it happens, oh, that's what would be the part two episode.

Alan Lazaros 39:49

What would be?

Kevin Palmieri 39:51

Do you have to?

Alan Lazaros 39:51

change who you are to achieve your goals. Something like that. Do you have to, because I think in some cases you just have to lean into who you are.

Outro

Kevin Palmieri 39:58

I understand. I know what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, what do you have to change versus what do you have to become more of? That would be the part two. Cool, we'll do that at some point this calendar year. Maybe we always say we're going to do part twos and then the next time like we're recording tomorrow. Maybe I feel like tomorrow would be a good day to do it, though, as long as we feel it. We want to make sure we feel what we talk about, because you'll be able to tell if we don't. Okay, as always at NLU, we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan Lazaros 40:29

Stay Next Level.

Kevin Palmieri 40:35

Next Level Nation. Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros 40:40

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri 40:49

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.