Would You Rather Be Good At Success Or Good At Love? (1953)

Do you ever feel your goals and relationships pull you in opposite directions? In today’s episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros explore how our unique strengths shape success and love and what happens when we feel out of place. This episode, packed with relatable stories and powerful insights, will help you uncover what truly matters and align your life with your values.

Links mentioned:
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For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

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Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(3:43) Confidence in relationships Vs. Career
(7:09) Understanding achievement and belonging
(14:39) When you feel out of place
(22:40) Strengths, weaknesses, and acceptance
(26:06) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching.
(36:09) Choosing alignment over approval
(46:04) Adjusting goals for fulfillment
(48:34) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri 0:00

If I'm the full, authentic version of myself, I will not fit in with my family. Let's say that's a fact. Now, after however many years, whether you're watching or listening, whatever your experience has been now, you know that. Now what do you do? Is it more valuable and more important to you to stay in 100% alignment or see your family? Let's figure out what those percentages are and then everything from there is personal and up to you.

Alan Lazaros 0:23

There's no way I can do this. Everything from there is personal and up to you. There's no way I can do this. I have to like change who I am to make this work. And if you have to change who you are to achieve your goals, you might have the wrong goals. And if you have to change who you are to be in a relationship, you might have the wrong relationship, and that is what I would end with.

Kevin Palmieri 0:41

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin.

Alan Lazaros 0:44

Palmieri and I'm your co-host, alan Lazarus, at.

Kevin Palmieri 0:49

NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros 0:55

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life love health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri 1:01

We bring you a new episode every single day, on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Kevin Palmieri 1:24

Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1,953, would you rather be good at success or good at love? So if you're an NLU Indian, which is just like an NLU community member, be proud of us, because we said we were going to do a part two to what does it mean to lean into it. And we are actually doing it, and that's rare, because usually we forget. Something comes up it's like, oh yeah, are we supposed to talk about something specific? No, I don't think so. Okay, what are you going through? So kind of.

Kevin Palmieri 2:10

When we got towards the end of yesterday's episode, we were talking about how man leaning into it means a lot of different things to a lot of different people in a lot of different ways and a lot of different scenarios. And one of the things that we were talking about that I think was a breakthrough for Alan was some people need to. It was like what do you change about yourself versus what do you lean into? Not changing about yourself and authenticity and all this stuff. And then after, I think you might have said on the episode it might have been after. You were talking about success and love and how sometimes the things that make you more successful when you lean into them they hurt your love and vice versa, and we were like all right, let's do an episode on that.

Alan Lazaros 2:56

If I missed anything, let me know asked me prior to meeting Emilia. I remember there was one time you, myself and a couple team members I remember I was in the gym parking lot and we were doing a post-live podcast. We used to do a live podcast every week where we would stream it live on StreamYard onto Facebook and LinkedIn and blah, blah, blah. And we would always do a session with the team afterwards and assess what was good, what was not so great, how could we do better? Most important win, most important improvement even though we didn't call it that back then, it was usually mostly just important improvements aka give Alan massive, terrible feedback and tell Kevin how awesome he is.

Kevin Palmieri 3:43

I got good feedback, nine out of ten, pretty much every week.

Alan Lazaros 3:46

Great job, Kev In retrospect.

Kevin Palmieri 3:49

That doesn't help you grow, Get better yeah.

Alan Lazaros 3:54

So I was going through it and I was alone. This was prior to meeting Emilia and you sensed a lot of lack of confidence in me when it came to finding a partner, an intimate partner, and you said something along the lines of it makes sense that you're so confident with success, but you're not confident in intimate relationships because you've just never succeeded yet. You're almost 30. You're still alone, and he was kinder than that. But it's true, but you're not confident in intimate relationships because you've just never succeeded yet. You're almost 30, you're still alone, and he was kinder than that, but it's true. And I remember thinking to myself I don't think I've ever felt, I've never realized how unconfident I am when it comes to finding an intimate partner and sustaining it long-term. And I now realize in hindsight I'm 36 now and this was back when I was, I think, 28 or 29. Of course, I'm not confident in finding an intimate partner when I'm and I said this on book club earlier when you're on the and everyone out there watching or listening, if you're on the very extreme of any bell curve, like on the very, very, very high end or very, very, very low end of any statistical bell curve, you're basically weirder than other people and it's you belong less. It's harder to belong. It's harder to belong and in hindsight it makes sense why I feel not confident in relationships, because if I look back at the last 36 years, I've always felt very confident in my ability to achieve.

Alan Lazaros 5:30

Academics came fairly easy. College I wanted to graduate with high distinction. I did. I got my bachelor's degree and that was definitely not easy because engineering was computer. Engineering was one of the hardest fucking things I've ever done, oh my goodness. However, I graduated with high distinction and then I got my master's in business. That came really easy. I don't know if that's because it's easier. I think it is, but it's also because I feel like business is a natural way, I think. But everything achievement-wise, even fitness, has come reasonably easy to me. I'm a tall, lanky guy so it's hard for me to build muscle, but overall I figured it out. It's a formula. You just run the formula.

Alan Lazaros 6:17

I realize now in my more mature years that Kev was always on the side of empathy when it came to understanding why people aren't more successful. For me it never really made a lot of sense why people didn't follow through and why they didn't figure it out and why. Because I grew up with goals and dreams and everyone around me seemed to have these other big goals and dreams. And as we got older and older and older, and Kevin in our thirties, early thirties, mid thirts, we would talk and it's like, dude, are you surprised at how few people achieved the dreams they set out to? And he's like, no, I didn't. I think you know that's normal. And I'm sitting there going. I don't understand why aren't more people achieving their dreams? I feel like we're achieving ours. Like what makes us different? Right, and now, in hindsight, I know what's different. Ours like what makes us different? Right, and now, in hindsight, I know what's different.

Alan Lazaros 7:09

Some people are really good at the science of achievement. They're really good at the ability to be. It's known as conscientiousness. It's organization, prudence, diligence, work, ethic, perfectionism, formula, self-discipline. It's someone who's very on point, dialed in. That's why my relationship with Emilia. This is the first time where I have very high degrees of certainty. Now I'm going to stay humble because I don't want to end up at the top of the mountain, not in love. So I got to stay humble. But I have a lot of certainty that emilia and I will work way more than I ever have in any intimate relationship.

Kevin Palmieri 7:38

It's not close what percent, I know why?

Alan Lazaros 7:40

what's the percentage? 99.99. Okay, yeah, 99.9. I'd be. It would rock my world to have anything go wrong with her. That would actually break us up, because we're both so growth-oriented and so perfect for each other and, quite frankly, we were so miserable with other people. I mean, I just I know I'm the right man for her. I can just tell she's like me, I'm like her, but she's the feminine version, I'm the masculine version and I won't go too far into this, but I feel like she's conditioned. She's feminine, conditioned masculine, I'm masculine, conditioned feminine. That's a whole, nother episode. But now we're kind of growing into our manhood and womanhood together. It's been really cool, but I have 99.9 certainty.

Alan Lazaros 8:22

With my past relationships, dude, it felt like I had to change who I was to make them work. And you, from the moment you met taryn, the second go around which you can tell the story you are like, dude, I'm not worried about it, like I'm not concerned, I know I'll make it work, it's gonna work. And you've always felt, you've always had more confidence than me in relationships and when it came to people, and I've always had more confidence than you when it came to external achievement, and I think we're starting to finally understand why that is. And so the last wrap up here before I let Kev talk three, three versions of you everyone out there watching or listening. Version one is you're really really, really good at external achievement and you feel very confident in your career and in your ability to succeed. But if you were really honest with yourself, you feel different and you feel like succeeding in relationships does not come naturally.

Alan Lazaros 9:22

The second one is you really, if you were honest with yourself, deep down, are very uncertain about your future, uncertain about your career, uncertain about you know whether or not you're going to be able to make enough money to provide for your family and your future and your grandkids and all that stuff. And you feel very helpless and hopeless when it comes to your career and where to go and next moves to make. And you feel like you struggle with self-discipline and you feel like you can't get yourself to do hard things and blah, blah, blah. But you feel like you fit in naturally and you feel like you're likable and most people like you and you get along pretty easily and you feel like relationships come pretty easy to you.

Alan Lazaros 9:58

And then the third bucket and this is the really scary one is where you feel like you suck at both and that's a really scary one to be in and I've I don't think I've ever been in that one, but I do know some people that feel in that one and I feel for you and if you need help, you know we're here for you. On the success. I'll be here for you on the success side and Emilia and I can be there for you on the relationship side more harder than me, but I know that some people feel helpless in both and that's got to be a dark place been there, I know from from my frame, because I said this before.

Kevin Palmieri 10:34

I said alan, I don't, I don't think I was as good at relationships as you think. Early on, he said well, think about friendships, not intimate. It's like okay, that's, and I'm comparing to how bad I was Well.

Kevin Palmieri 10:46

I wasn't. I mean, when I think back to like dude, when I think back to like the hospital, when I was working at the hospital I didn't feel like I could even find anybody to be in a relationship with. So I, the ones I had the first relationship, the first serious relationship I ever had was, I think, five years. I'm like a serial long term relation person. I never really dated around. That was never really something I wanted to do. But I think one of the reasons is because it always felt so hard to find someone. So when I found someone, okay, was it hard to find someone?

Alan Lazaros 11:25

So when I found someone, okay here's Was it hard to find someone or was it hard to attract someone? Both, Because for me it felt like it was hard to find the right person and then sustain it. It was always easy in the beginning.

Kevin Palmieri 11:40

No, it wasn't easy for me in the beginning no.

Kevin Palmieri 11:42

Well, look, I mean, you have more more. You check more of the boxes than I do. I mean, really think about it. When I, when you, were out going to colleges and having successful college degrees, that wasn't my, that wasn't my experience. Yeah, you know, I didn't have a lot. It's so sad to say I didn't have a lot to offer. It's so sad to say I didn't have that much to offer. I was a good person. But it doesn't get you. You don't get many points for being a good person.

Alan Lazaros 12:11

It's not enough. I think long-term you do, I don't think you do. Short-term yeah, especially not with young men and women. When you're young being a good person isn't as valued, unfortunately.

Kevin Palmieri 12:20

If we were to have a real conversation, and again not from a place, just a real, logical conversation. If I'm 35 and I'm working at the gas station like I was when I was 17, that is going to exclude you from a lot of romantic opportunities.

Alan Lazaros 12:34

Of course, yeah, and that's just a real conversation. I appreciate the honesty that's true.

Kevin Palmieri 12:42

And right, wrong or indifferent. I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's wrong. Like, who am I? You do what you want to do, but there's going to be less people that say, yeah, I'll give that a go. Slash and again, blanket statement, slash. The people that do say I'm willing to give that a go might be in a similar situation. Right, maybe they work at a job that they feel is not the best thing for them long term and it doesn't provide a lot of opportunities or whatever it is. So I I felt it was the attraction and the finding.

Alan Lazaros 13:14

Well, let's go to friendships though, cause one time, kevin and I, we were at a barbecue father's day barbecue together. We would always go fishing on.

Kevin Palmieri 13:20

I didn't want to be there. It wasn't my choice go fishing on.

Alan Lazaros 13:26

I didn't want to be there, it wasn't my choice, but we were there. I've brought kevin many, uh many places. He didn't want to go. Some good, some not so good 50, 50, 50. My bad, 50 50, yeah, not terrible. It's good shooting percentage from three from three, but free land, it's basketball reference, okay.

Alan Lazaros 13:40

So we're at a barbecue and we had just interviewed a man named steven kotler who wrote the book the art of impossible. Shout out out to Brandon, who got us that interview, one of my favorite interviews ever of all time. Just an awesome book, world class book, unbelievable book. I just recommended it to my client, christy Shout out to you. And we just got off that interview and I think it was the next weekend or the weekend after or something.

Alan Lazaros 14:00

And that was a big moment for Kevin and I when we learned how different we were, because I fully showed all of who I am from the peak performance. The Art of Impossible is basically the science of achievement for people who want to achieve something that's never been done, and it's called Little I Impossible, leading to the compound effect of Big I Impossible. It's an awesome book, but we had already implemented a lot of the strategies in that book and I got to geek out with steven kotler about world-class performers and olympic athlete level, dialed in stuff and kev was sitting there kind of going. Oh okay, this is not comfortable for me.

Kevin Palmieri 14:39

I was hitting the I was pushing the make joke button.

Alan Lazaros 14:41

Make joke, make joke, make joke, make joke and it makes sense in hindsight, but at the time I was just nerding out with him and then we were at a barbecue not long after that and I said Kev I don't feel like I can be myself here.

Alan Lazaros 14:53

And Kev said brother, I feel like I can't be fully myself with a Stephen Kotler, and so that's when we really leaned in, to the last episode we just did of lean into it. That's when I really leaned into. I am this achiever guy who is very dialed in apparently, even though I don't really think I am. I definitely statistically am and I'm going to lean into it, even though, you know, people don't like me very much and I struggle to be at barbecues because I basically am not allowed to talk about most of what I want to talk about. No one like imagine being at a barbecue and asking you know what's your 10, 20, 30 year roadmap for achievement and success? I mean, no one wants to talk to me, right? So I'd rather just booze up a storm and pretend to be an idiot. Uh, that's what I used to do, anyways, and I'm being playful with that, but honestly I think that's a lot of it. And Kev's saying well, I can easily be at a barbecue, I have a blast, play bags, whatever I can fit in here.

Kevin Palmieri 15:48

No problem, love bags, love bags. He loves it.

Alan Lazaros 15:50

So the last episode we were trying to figure out, for some people, old Kev felt like he had to change who he is in order to achieve his goals. I don't feel like I have to change who I am to achieve my goals, almost at all. I feel like I've had to change who I am to succeed in relationships and I think that all of us are on one end or the other a little bit more, and I think there's good self-awareness to be had in that. So many thoughts.

Kevin Palmieri 16:27

What's a good example of this? I always use the video game analogy for this because I feel like it's one of the best visual representations. But let's say you're playing a fighting game and there's attributes, you have 100 points. You can use what fighting game, any fighting game, any one where you can create a fighter. You can create your own custom fight. I play UFC Not the new one, because I'm too cheap to buy it but I play like the old UFC game and I built a fighter and my guy is a sniper. He doesn't.

Kevin Palmieri 17:04

I have no ground skills, but if you stand on the feet with me, I I'm gonna knock you out every time, but you take me down, I'm gonna die, probably potentially that character. What do I need to do? I need to lean into the fact that I am a natural stand-up fighter, hypothetically, and I need to iron out striker, striker, yeah, and I need to iron out the fact that my ground game is garbage. Authenticity is becoming more of the amazing pieces of you. The shoring up of the castle is working on the weaknesses. That is how I'm thinking about it. But hold on, I'm not done yet. I'm not done yet. I like barbecues so much. When Taryn and I got married. Well, we eloped in Colorado and then we came back and we had a party at this like vineyard and there was a.

Kevin Palmieri 18:03

it was fucking awesome there was a DJ and Taryn did most of that. I can't take credit for almost any of that. I was, if anything. I did not know how to support at that time. I couldn't, I didn't understand. Yeah, I just didn't understand how to support. But we were playing bags, we were playing can jam. It was awesome. Yeah, that was fun. That was fun. Five years from now, I want to do the same thing, just for fun. From now, I want to do the same thing just for fun, and I don't. I it will cost money and it's going to be a day that I don't work. I'd love to fly the team in or something. I know most of the team doesn't really party, but like, I feel like that would be so awesome.

Alan Lazaros 18:43

I want to be able to do that I enjoy that.

Kevin Palmieri 18:45

I have fun, I have. I went to matt my buddy maca. He had his 30. No, yeah, it was his birthday and it was his engagement celebration and the whole night I was like yo, we're gonna bust out the bags, or what, we're gonna bust out the horseshoes? Or like what are we doing? Because, yeah, man, right after these, right after the next set of people gets here, we didn't play a fucking game the whole night. Really, we played flip, played flip cup.

Kevin Palmieri 19:10

Oh, come on Flip cup. What are we in high school? Yeah, I want to play bags, baby. And I was so disappointed, Yard games but to Alan's point. I essentially, by the end of the night, had made friends with everybody. But that's what happens when I drink. When I drink, I can make friends with anybody. I'm really good at making friends with dudes when I drink.

Alan Lazaros 19:30

I want to share something with you real quick, for the viewers and listeners too.

Kevin Palmieri 19:33

You going to F me up with the truth.

Alan Lazaros 19:35

A little bit. I have a client who said listen, I don't want to be unprofessional, I respect and I adore your coaching. I don't know if he used adore, but he said it means a lot to me. I'm gonna come in a little, a little buzzed on our next session, but there's a reason. Weirdest fucking message from a client I love you, if you're I know this person's listening, love it, love it. He said I I want you to see how much better of a communicator I am when I have a little buzz on and and I want you to study the difference and maybe we can figure out what's going on. Because he struggles to communicate effectively when he's got anxiety, social anxiety.

Kevin Palmieri 20:17

Yeah.

Alan Lazaros 20:18

And when he has a little buzz he doesn't have it, so he wants me to study it. I thought that was really cool.

Kevin Palmieri 20:22

Are you open to me exploring that on the podcast Seven times a week?

Alan Lazaros 20:31

pouring that on the podcast seven times a week. What did you say? Seven times a week, every day?

Kevin Palmieri 20:34

now that you say that, by the way, kevin, is wasted right now, wasted hammered right now, that is. I mean that. That's like a um, if you're doing the best man speech, you take a shot, work the nerves off like that's a thing that's a legitimate thing yeah, that's a next level commitment to your growth.

Alan Lazaros 20:49

You want me to study you in a different state? Respect, I don't know who that person is because I don't.

Kevin Palmieri 20:54

Alan doesn't tell me. Alan's very private with client stuff, so your secrets are always safe, but shout out to you yeah, it was an interesting and I was like, dude, don't worry, I got you and yeah, maybe don't get blasted.

Kevin Palmieri 21:07

Yeah, not more than one or two Point of all that there was a time in my life where I felt like I was really struggling with both for sure. Intimate relationships, yes, not friendships. Here's my thought when you are the least appreciated, you will be the least successful, because if you go to a cookout, you are not appreciated unless the person's into growth. I think of the conversation after right. Imagine me, a little drunk, doing the worm around your front lawn, just having a blast making people laugh. One of two things is going to happen. People are going to leave. They're going to get in the car and be like Kev that was yeah, that was fun, we had a blast, that was a really good time or like what?

Alan Lazaros 22:01

the hell's wrong with.

Strengths, weaknesses, and acceptance

Kevin Palmieri 22:01

Kev. It's going to be one of two things. So if you don't appreciate somebody that loves to have a ton of fun, you might not appreciate that. Same for you. You get in the car Person who loves books, corporate America working up the ladder. You believe that? You believe Alan knew about the compound effect. Nobody ever talks to me about the compound effect. Rare, not going to happen. A lot. Other side is like who was that dude with the stick up his ass asking my 30 year plans when I was drinking my Michelob Ultra? Who the hell who invited that dude? But it's because you're not appreciated.

Kevin Palmieri 22:40

Opposite end Okay, you invite me to a party that is filled with a bunch of business owners. Nobody is drinking. There aren't any games, they're hors d'oeuvres, hors d'oeuvres, hors d'oeuvres, whatever the hell they're called. People are dressed nicely. This is a fine event. You are probably going to get more appreciation than I do. Yeah, those events are just way rarer, just way. The likelihood of stumbling upon events are just way rarer, just way. The likelihood of stumbling upon that is just way less.

Alan Lazaros 23:15

This made me sad and I don't want to make this about me, but I we only have four minutes, so you can make it about you for one minute For one of them, For everyone watching or listening. The part that made me sad and I hope there's something in this for everybody is I grew up in the environment you're talking about, but I was never suited for it, and I think that that really caused me a lot of suffering.

Kevin Palmieri 23:43

Well, it taught you you had to be somebody else. That, yeah, I was. I had some of that too in my childhood. I was like fuck yeah, this is awesome, this is awesome, I love this. It wasn't the same, but I remember going camping with some family friends when I was young and I was like this is awesome. The parents just got hammered and were smoking weed. We were just hanging out by the fire. This is great, I'm having a blast here. I'm having a blast.

Alan Lazaros 24:16

Yeah, it is interesting too. Who you are will not be valued in the wrong environment. It just won't, it can't. I always say don't be a rapper at a country concert, right, it is interesting. And what happens when you grow up in an environment where who you are isn't valued?

Kevin Palmieri 24:37

You abandon yourself, you abandon what you value to get significance and appreciation from other people, and I think it creates a whole thing.

Alan Lazaros 24:52

I remember I had this conversation with myself with a person that I was an ex -girlfriend, who we were still hanging out, and I remember the day when I decided I can't do this anymore and I asked myself a simple question, because at that point I had been really close with a couple people that were very into personal growth, kevin being one of them, and I remember I asked myself like is this person, this person who I supposedly want to spend the rest of my life with?

Alan Lazaros 25:23

She supposedly wants to spend the rest of her life with me, but again, we were both uncertain. Obviously, is she ever gonna admire and appreciate the real me to the extent that kevin does? And the answer wasn't no, it was fuck no. And I knew after that it's like I can't do this. There's no way I can do this. I I have to like, change who I am to make this work. And if you have, if you have to change who you are to achieve your goals, you might have the wrong goals. And if you have to change who you are to be in a relationship, you might have the wrong relationship, and that is what I would end with.

Kevin Palmieri 26:06

Next level nation. What is happening? If you've thought to yourself, I want to try coaching, but you don't really know where to start, group coaching would be a wonderful place for you. That's really why we created it in the first place. We start a new round every 90 days. So if you're hearing this, go to the website nextleveluniversecom and we have the landing page where you can actually hold your spot right now. Even if there's a group, your spot right now. Even if there's a group going on, right now, you can still lock your spot for the next one. The biggest thing that we've seen is, as we get closer and closer to the date, unfortunately, some people end up missing. The group fills up and they can't do it, and then they end up regretting that. So please head over to the website. The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there. Head over to the website. The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there. I've had to change to stay in a relationship with you.

Alan Lazaros 26:55

There goes my omdinger.

Kevin Palmieri 26:56

It's so funny You're like, hey, you have one minute, we don't have to go.

Alan Lazaros 27:01

I was wondering to myself. I was like does he have a meeting? Because I don't. Well, you did, christina and I rescheduled tonight.

Kevin Palmieri 27:07

Yeah, you did right after our last meeting, so I assumed Maybe you'd come in and tell me.

Alan Lazaros 27:13

Hey man.

Kevin Palmieri 27:14

I didn't. I know you're obsessed with my calendar and usually know it better than I do. Just so you know.

Alan Lazaros 27:19

No hard stuff.

Kevin Palmieri 27:20

No, it's all good. I've had to change who I am to stay in a relationship with you, but in a good way. Yeah, in a good way. This is the thought you will and can change, as long as you're changing in a way that brings you closer to alignment.

Alan Lazaros 27:42

That? How do you know if you are Right?

Kevin Palmieri 27:44

Emilia's definitely helped me, be more of me that I'm certain of it allows you to strengthen the weaknesses that you're ready to work on, and you know you want to. You know you want. I think one of the reasons growth is so hard is because I don't know, man, sometimes it feels like it has to happen at the right time. No, I don't mean that like what's the? I don't mean there's like a quantum timing thing where it's like, okay, the universe is now teaching. I don't mean that. I mean something has to happen, often before you're willing to look in the mirror. You know, you and I would never work like this if I was in high school. No way, there's no way. I didn't have to. I hadn't looked at enough mirrors at that point. So I think that's a really big piece of it. And this is the other thing, and this is like be very careful with this part. Just expanding on what I'm going to say, being in a relationship with you is directly beneficial to me.

Alan Lazaros 28:54

Why is that not true for everyone? It doesn't make any sense, because you and I.

Kevin Palmieri 28:57

I feel like it's beneficial to everyone. No, no. You're a giant pain in the ass if they don't have with love, if they don't have similar core values, core beliefs and core aspirations. I don't want to be in a relationship with you if I'm insecure about myself and I don't believe that I can work on myself. Yeah, it's really hard, because I know you're always going to push me to get better, healthily, healthily.

Alan Lazaros 29:22

But isn't that good for everyone? Like being pushed to be better. Isn't that good for everyone long term? Long term yes, yes, but of course it's good for everybody like there's no that's like saying, uh, and again, I'm not this, let's take me out of the equation. Let's just imagine a metaphorical mentor that's cares deeply about helping you reach your true potential. That's like saying I no, not for me I mean people do that all the time.

Kevin Palmieri 29:49

Yeah, people do that all the time. That's a terrible idea. It's not. I'm not. For me, it's like how many. I mean people do that all the time, yeah people do that all the time.

Alan Lazaros 29:51

That's a terrible idea.

Alan Lazaros 29:52

It's not, I'm not saying it's a good idea emilia said to me last night we're on our walk. She said, you know, I feel like, uh, people did try to tell me like, and all this stuff, all the stuff we're learning now in our 30s and she just turned 30 in october last year and I was like, sweetheart, no one. She's like I. I think other people tried to tell me, but like I wasn't ready to hear it, I know I I'm like sweet. No, no one told me any of this. I'm telling you, if we had a speaker who came to our high school like you and I, dude, I would have eaten it up. I. I'm telling you, no one was trying to tell me this stuff. Like you know, that whole thing of oh, I bet you, you know, self-improvement was all around you, but you just weren't ready.

Kevin Palmieri 30:41

No, I've never heard that, no I dude, no, I no chance.

Alan Lazaros 30:47

And I'm looking back and I'm reevaluating and I have a really good memory.

Kevin Palmieri 30:50

I'm searching for it.

Alan Lazaros 30:52

No, emilia is like, yeah, you know in hindsight, my mom and dad they really did try to explain that to me. I'm sitting there going nope, no, no, no, no, no. No one ever tried to explain that to me, right? And and so again, I know some people are resonating with this and some people are not. In book club we said zero to 10, where are you at for your childhood, being conscious parents that are emotionally involved and understand psychological impact and developmental processes and how to create a psychologically safe environment to grow and flourish but also challenge you enough to actually have growth right? And some people were zero was not so good and 10 was the, you know, the best parents maybe ever of all time.

Kevin Palmieri 31:31

And we had some interesting numbers. I'm guessing zero probably wasn't not so good. I'm probably guessing it was the worst it could be. Yeah, at least on that scale.

Alan Lazaros 31:40

Right, I had a low number, but anyway so yeah.

Alan Lazaros 31:44

Yeah, at the end of the day, which one of these three buckets are you in? Are you in bucket one which is achievement feels fairly easy and you think within reason, you feel like you're going to have a successful career and you feel like you believe in yourself quite a bit in terms of achievement. The second bucket is you feel a little uncertain, a lack of certainty in your long-term career and your finances, but you feel like you can hang out at a barbecue, no problem, fit in easily. Or the third one, where you feel not only alone and like you don't belong, but also like a lot of uncertainty with your career as well. And I really want to say this too. I wonder to myself.

Alan Lazaros 32:30

I've always wondered this and I want to ask you because I don't want to come off as pretentious. I always wondered why people's career wasn't more important to them. To me, like, your career is the majority of your existence, like everyone out there, like you're going to work, like, if you run the math on this, you're going to work the majority of your life, the hours you're on planet Earth in a week, okay, you're going to work most of it, unless you have generational wealth and your family gives you money and or you have investments that pay dividends, blah, blah blah, but the majority of us are going to work most of our life. Why isn't career more of a focal point? I'm genuinely asking because, for me, I've never not contemplated my career, you know.

Kevin Palmieri 33:26

I can speak to my existence Lack of belief. I didn't feel like I was in control. A couple things One, lack of belief. Two, lack of interest. It's really hard for a human to get really good at something and climb in something that they hate Most people. I think that's like a you know it's hard to succeed at something that you just are trying to survive. So many people are just trying to survive their jobs.

Alan Lazaros 33:57

So this is the doom loop for anyone who feels uncertain about career. The doom loop is I feel uncertain about my career. Therefore it's painful to focus on. Therefore I don't brainstorm and strategize. Therefore I'm even more uncertain and it's just this doom loop of feeling stuck constantly, whereas the other loop of the uncertainty in relationships is I don't feel like I can be myself around my friends and family and my intimate partners, relationships around my friends and family and my intimate partners relationships. So I'm gonna dim who I am down and I can't sustain that, because now I'm loved for a version of me that's not real, and then I'm gonna make up for that with achievement like, which makes it even worse.

Kevin Palmieri 34:36

Oh, god, I think. I think the whole thing is you have to be honest with yourself about what matters. So, okay, if a I don't fit in with my family, if I am my fully authentic, if I'm fully myself, if I'm the full, authentic version of myself, I will not fit in with my family. Okay, let's say that's a fact. And now, after however many years, whether you're watching or listening, whatever your experience has been now, you know that. Now, what do you do? Is it more valuable and more important to you to stay in 100 alignment or see your family? Let's figure out what that those percentages are, and then then everything from there is personal and up to you that that is.

Alan Lazaros 35:18

The problem is none of this was conscious until yeah, you and I in our mid-20s with the hyper conscious podcast. Yes, we weren't doing this consciously.

Choosing alignment over approval

Kevin Palmieri 35:26

No, but now hopefully anybody watching or listening can take the delay and the amount of time it took us and say, okay, this is the question. On a scale of 0 to 10, how much do you feel you can be yourself around your family? Start there, start there On a scale of 0 to 10, how in control of your career do you feel? Start there, start there On a scale of zero to ten. How in control of your career do you feel, start there and then from there. Then you figure out okay, well, what do you need? Would you, standing up to your family, increase your self-worth? Awesome. Do you just need to spend less time with your family because they suck? And here's, this is the other thing too. Time with your family because they suck, and here's, this is the other thing too.

Alan Lazaros 36:09

It's okay to think that it's okay to think that your family's like. It's not great for you if that's true if that's true, yeah, I'm thinking one person whose family is awful and I'll keep it anonymous, but they're awful human beings. They just shit on her constantly and I told her. I said you're. You cannot achieve your goals and spend a lot of time with them they're gonna constantly.

Kevin Palmieri 36:28

You're just hurting yourself thinking like, oh yeah, no, they're really if, if, if they're really good, what is? What expectation does that set up for the rest of your life in the relationships?

Alan Lazaros 36:38

you're just gonna accept.

Kevin Palmieri 36:40

Right, you're gonna accept, you're gonna hard thing for sure. Yeah, hard thing, but just like if you, if you say, yeah, you know what? I don't maybe one out of ten in terms of my own self-belief and my belief in my competence to achieve a career, it's good to know. It's good to know, because knowing, not knowing, isn't going to change it, it's going to make it worse.

Alan Lazaros 37:06

Everything starts with acceptance. It does, it's not. Hey, I'm going to pretend I'm better than I am or I'm going to pretend my family's better than they are it's. I'm going to accept the fact that I'm not likable naturally and I'm going to surround myself with people that I know will value who I am. That's my side. Kevin's side is I'm going to accept the fact that I'm not naturally a gifted, career-oriented, conscientious, goal-achiever man, bear pig and silly self-talk reference from way back in the day. But it's acceptance, accepting who you are.

Alan Lazaros 37:44

I think one of the biggest breakthroughs for me was realizing that I was jealous of how likable Kevin is. There was a moment I forget when it was. I wish I had a freaking story for this, but there was a moment where I was like am I jealous of him being liked? Because I feel like it's so hard for me to be liked. But you were jealous and you owned this too of like I'm so much more respected in certain rooms than you are, like you're never going to be the guy in the hors d'oeuvre room or whatever and screw you if you won't if you won't invite me to the hors d'oeuvre room.

Kevin Palmieri 38:21

You're out there, the private island parties.

Alan Lazaros 38:24

Shame on you, oh God. So the networking events and all that kind of stuff, yeah, yeah.

Kevin Palmieri 38:31

Nobody's going to hire me to come speak to their engineering school. That's not going to happen anytime soon, in 50 years maybe. Maybe they'll be like how did you do it? I'll be like you're asking the right guy. Let me tell you, take a seat, pick out your pencils and your. Well, we're not gonna be using pencils and paper in 50 years. Probably we're using some virtual reality.

Alan Lazaros 38:49

Close your eyes and right into your brain, as I say yeah, and throw on your vr goggles, but that's ultimately I had to accept and lean in again back to the last episode, lean into that. I'm not naturally likable, which will make me probably more likable, because there's this we're watching the x-men movie series and there's this scene with mystique. She's the blue character who can change into other characters jennifer lawrence plays her jennifer lawrence.

Alan Lazaros 39:16

Okay, yeah, exactly. And there's a scene with magneto where he says she basically hates being blue, she hates being different, and all the mutants do that. They want to be, you know, normal or whatever, and that's the whole. That's why it's such a cool series, I think, is each mutant is super unique and they have to accept their uniqueness before they can use their uniqueness for good. I thought I think that's a really cool thing. But she's lifting weights in the school and magneto comes by and says if you were your blue self, you wouldn't have to focus on being this other person while you lift weights, you'd be stronger. And then she switches to blue and then she's much stronger, she can bench more in the scene and he says he looks at her and says see, you want the world to accept you, but you don't even accept yourself. And I was like, oh, not right now too soon too close yeah, who knew?

Alan Lazaros 40:13

but that's the truth is, you got to accept all of who you are and first, first, and then grow from that yeah, isn't it weird?

Kevin Palmieri 40:25

I feel like I could. I'm in a mood where I could do like a 12 hour podcast right now and the whiskey's just hitting me, just starting to hit me. Isn't it weird how sometimes the only way to make there's two ways to make yourself whole be more of your strengths or less of your weaknesses, like if you want to be like a whole, capable human. That's why it's so hard to figure that out, or both of your strengths or less of your weaknesses, like if you want to be like a whole capable human.

Kevin Palmieri 40:47

That's why it's so hard to figure that out, or both, if you could be.

Alan Lazaros 40:48

And every strength comes with a weakness, so that makes it even more hard, for sure.

Kevin Palmieri 40:52

If you could be an X-Man or an X? Yeah, x-men, they're called X-Men, but there's women, if you?

Alan Lazaros 40:58

Oh, emilia and I just talked about that.

Kevin Palmieri 41:02

So I expect you'll have a valuable answer with a great lesson in the story. Let's see.

Alan Lazaros 41:06

Yeah. It would probably be the ability to pause time. No, no, that's not what I fucking asked you. Hey, that's what Professor Xavier can do. He can pause time. Which one?

Kevin Palmieri 41:18

is he the bald dude yeah? Guess who I would want to be Wolverine Wolverine. Yeah, guess who? I would want to be Wolverine Wolverine, of course, steroids and all Allegedly, allegedly.

Alan Lazaros 41:30

Dude 63.

Kevin Palmieri 41:31

Imagine having claws for hands. Also the juggernaut, he's an X-Man right.

Alan Lazaros 41:39

Yes, he is, he's so big my thing.

Kevin Palmieri 41:41

Yeah, we always. This is the other thing too. We've had conversations before On the team stuff. I think on other podcasts People say if you could have any skill, any superhero trait, what would it be? And Alan's like man. I really like the ability to pause time so I could stay in a moment with Emilia forever. I'm like Kev. What about you? He's like fuck that. I want to be the Incredible Hulk. That's what I want. I want to be the Incredible Hulk. That would be awesome.

Alan Lazaros 42:10

Superhuman strength.

Kevin Palmieri 42:11

But for a long time it was like I don't know what's my deeply meaningful thing that people respect. I don't have that it's not who I am. Again, I love Tyron deeply.

Alan Lazaros 42:25

You gotta own it.

Kevin Palmieri 42:25

I would love to pause time and spend every moment for the rest of time with her. But if a bus falls on her, that ain't gonna help. There you go. Somebody's gotta gift the bus. I wanted to be me. You're funny man. All right what's the takeaway before?

Alan Lazaros 42:40

we get out of here. It's accept who you are first and then and then use self-improvement to become more of that. A better version of that, I would concur.

Kevin Palmieri 42:56

What would I say? Yeah, we all. The reason there's no piece of advice that I think can help everybody at the same time is because your growth is different. For some of us out there, your growth, the thing that gets you to the next level, is doing more of what you're doing and being more of you in the right ways, and I think for other people it's doing less of what you're doing and being more of you. I think those are are two very, very different convoluted things real quick.

Alan Lazaros 43:30

No, you said your last thing no, no, real quick, sorry, real quick. Yeah, if, if you're out there, this is a permission opportunity. I just want to help you give yourself permission, amy. When she came on the team amy lenny's she said you guys give so much permission when you're together because you're both so different, which I appreciate. I didn't even know what the hell that word meant. I didn't know what she meant by that originally. Now I do. I have some clients that I've talked to and said like the goals you've set, you're not going to achieve them without changing so much about who you really are. Like I said this to one of my clients recently. I said you're not really all in on anything. I said, kevin, and I would die for this. I've seen it in his eyes.

Kevin Palmieri 44:18

Look at you just immediately 100%, zero, zero. Question Taryn and this. Those are the two.

Alan Lazaros 44:24

Same. That is an all-in thing. You can't have all-in results without being all-in. And I'm not saying you should be that level of all-in. I mean, that's not for everyone, for obvious reasons. So I have a couple clients I'm thinking of right now that are not super dialed in, they're not super concerned about it, but yet they have these goals that require them To be. And and one of my clients said this they said yeah, but society, society values all in. I know, I know I just happened to be an all-inner. I can't be. I've tried half in, doesn't work. I can't even play Call of Duty with Kev because I'm gonna end up trying to get to the top charts. Seriously, I had to dial it back back. It was. I almost got sucked in once in the studio. I was like I can't, I gotta go I was watching call of duty content.

Kevin Palmieri 45:11

Can you turn this off please? Yeah, I gotta get.

Alan Lazaros 45:13

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry, yeah business is gonna go out of business and we're gonna end up pro gamers, uh, and by we, I mean me I'm kidding.

Kevin Palmieri 45:20

Well, I was. The business was already Hinging on going out of business Because I was ordering Breakfast every single day, every day it was awesome Shout out to what is it Luckies?

Alan Lazaros 45:31

They went out of business, went out of business, of course they did Shout out to Luckies. You were keeping them in business.

Adjusting goals for fulfillment

Alan Lazaros 45:36

Yeah, I left yeah, you left. But the last thing is For those people If you feel like you have to change who you are, in your essence, your core, in order to achieve your goals, can it. Can it, you're going to be more fulfilled. It doesn't mean you can't be the best version of yourself. It just means you shouldn't be shooting for the same thing as someone who's wired for that, and I really want to give that permission, just like on the other side of this coin.

Alan Lazaros 46:04

If someone's not for you in a relationship, you've got to give that permission. Just like on the other side of this coin. If someone's not for you in a relationship, you've got to own that too. Because if you feel like what I used to feel, if I have to go over here and be this guy in order to make this work and then come back over here to be in alignment I mean that's just a deeply unfulfilling life Own who you are, and if you have to adjust your relationships and your goals to do that, I'm all for it I'm going to add one thing, because I refuse to let you say the last thing, and you're not.

Kevin Palmieri 46:29

This is no take backsies. Okay, this is it. This is the last thing that's gonna get said, got it? I believe that the mark of a good coach is not only somebody who helps you get the goals that you aim for. They're also somebody who helps you opt out of a game that you shouldn't be playing in the first place, and I think that's exactly what you're talking about. All right, cool. If you're looking for a good coach, I am the best in the world. No, alan is a wonderful coach. I am a I my goal.

Alan Lazaros 47:03

you were gonna do that my my goal genuinely. Whenever you have a big pause, I know there's a humdinger coming it always depends.

Kevin Palmieri 47:08

It depends on how I'm feeling. The whiskey's coursing through my veins like the salmon of the Capistrano right now. I told Alan this the other day and I'm kidding can do it, because nobody will ever be able to work with Alan as long as I have, because I started sooner. So that's my thought. So if I don't know, if you're not impressed with me, totally understandable, totally understandable. But if any way, if in any way, shape or form, you think I'm good at anything, a lot of that has to do with Alan. So we'll have his link in the show notes for a free 30 minute. 30 minute breakthrough session. Minute breakthrough session.

Kevin Palmieri 47:44

I'm the podcast guy. I do podcast breakthrough sessions. Next level dreamliner on Amazon. Mine is still in the mail because we have author copies. I am literally Jonesing because I can't use it every day. It's very sad. I am still giving myself credit for it, though, because I am doing it in my mind. Palace and next level nation a private Facebook group for amazing people like you who are into growth. If you can join a group where you are actually valued, that is what this Facebook group is all about.

Alan Lazaros 48:11

No bullies allowed.

Kevin Palmieri 48:12

Excuse me.

Alan Lazaros 48:13

No bullies allowed.

Outro

Kevin Palmieri 48:14

Never, no, no, you'll get the boot. You're not a bully, so you wouldn't be listening to this and then joining a bully. But if somebody bullies, they're getting the boot. We don't mess around with that, as always, oh, for fuck's sake, you know what I mean. I do Anything else. No, that's it. Okay, I'm going to test you to make sure, as always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU, we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan Lazaros 48:44

Keep it next level, next Level.

Kevin Palmieri 48:48

Nation. Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros 48:57

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri 49:04

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.