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What’s Your Relationship With Compliments? (1961)

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Compliments are more than words. In today’s episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros explore the emotional layers beneath compliments, exploring how they reflect self-worth, fears, and personal growth. They discuss why specific praises resonate while others feel unsettling and how our past experiences shape these reactions. If you’re curious about the inner dynamics of self-improvement and want actionable insights to grow emotionally, this episode is for you.

Links mentioned:
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NLU is not just a podcast; it’s a gateway to a wealth of resources designed to help you achieve your goals and dreams. From our Next Level Dreamliner to our Group Coaching, we offer a variety of tools and communities to support your personal development journey.

For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email. We’re here to support you in your personal and professional development journey.

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Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
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Show notes:
(2:25) How past experiences shape reactions
(5:03) Emotional Vs. Intellectual understanding
(10:58) Discomfort as a growth opportunity
(13:03) Healing through expressing vulnerability
(14:51) Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://a.co/d/9fPpxEt
(18:11) Inner Vs. Outer growth dynamics
(23:35) Experimenting with honesty and self-awareness
(24:32) You’re more amazing than you think
(25:52) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Kevin Palmieri

Imagine, imagine how this, how much this can change. I compliment Alan. I notice Alan is uncomfortable. I say, hey man, how come you're uncomfortable? And I compliment you on that. And then boom, we're off to the races. On an awareness at least. If you could see yourself like I see you, your entire life would change. And I said, obviously that's a dumb thing because it doesn't work that way.

Alan Lazaros

And if it worked that way we'd all be better or worse, we are uncomfortable with something, whether it be complimented or you're someone who passed away or whatever it is, and that discomfort almost guarantees we don't work through it, because whenever you bring it up or whenever it happens, your protectors come up and say don't no, mm-mm. No.

Kevin Palmieri

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin.

Alan Lazaros

Palmieri and I'm your co-host, alan Lazarus, at.

Kevin Palmieri

NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life love health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

We bring you a new episode every single day, on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Alan Lazaros

Welcome to.

Kevin Palmieri

Next Level University Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1,961, what's your relationship with compliments? So I am still, or now again, under the weather. I don't know what's going on. Send me your good vibes and your energetic healings please this episode brought to you by NyQuil, NyQuil, this one is well no, it's off-brand DayQuil-type medicine. Today you can't take NyQuil during the day, because that evidently is bad.

Alan Lazaros

You'd fall asleep on here.

Kevin Palmieri

I don't think so I'd power through and get the hallucinogenic benefits which would be pretty cool.

Alan Lazaros

Benefits, benefits.

How past experiences shape reactions

Kevin Palmieri

All right, I had a deep conversation with somebody this weekend and they gave me a lot of compliments on my productivity and my morning routine and a lot of the accomplishments that quote unquote that I've had over the last eight years and all that stuff. And it was very strange for me because usually I find myself being comfortable with compliments. And it was very strange for me because usually I find myself being comfortable with compliments and it was weird.

Alan Lazaros

I didn't enjoy it necessarily here's my thesis what is happening here? What is happening?

Kevin Palmieri

this is my thesis when you get compliments on things that you have gotten compliments on in the past and owned, I think it's easier. So I've gotten for a lot of my life I've gotten compliments on hey, you're in really good shape, hey, you're whatever, hey, you're jacked, blah, blah, blah, and that has always been thank you so much. I appreciate it. But I mean, I've been working really, really hard on this and I've done fitness shows and photo shoots and bodybuilding right. So it's like, yeah, that makes sense. So that makes sense. And I've gotten a lot of compliments on you're a good speaker and you're a good podcaster Awesome, thank you. It took me a while to get to the place where I was able to own that.

Kevin Palmieri

This is my thesis for today's episode, the. What if the compliments that you get that you don't believe yet are the ones that make you the most uncomfortable? That's one thought or two. The compliments that you get that directly affect or poke your inner fears are the ones that you don't want to accept. So many times on this podcast, alan, I will talk about how much you've helped me, and the second I start talking about that, your face tenses up and you and I'm looking at the camera vigorously for those who are listening, and then you start to get redder and redder and redder. I'm willing to bet that's because that compliment directly pokes the inner fear of well, if Kevin says that I'm good and if Kevin says he's helped me a lot, that's going to further create distance between me and other people and I'm somehow going to end up alone because of that. That's my thesis in today's episode. You have any rebuttal Rebute?

Alan Lazaros

I don't know why it makes me uncomfortable when you say that.

Emotional Vs. Intellectual understanding

Kevin Palmieri

Let's dig. There's been nobody on this planet who has helped me as much as you have. That is a fact, factual statement. What are you feeling? Sit on the couch. What are you feeling?

Alan Lazaros

well, intellectually, I know that's true. I think deep down, I know that's true too. I think emotionally it's scary. Okay. So soul level for sure. I mean, I could have told you that I'm kidding see, this is why no one compliments me.

Alan Lazaros

That's what no, this is why no one compliments me. I I do intellectually know I have calculated that that is true. I think emotionally it's harder to accept and I think that's a self-worth thing more than a knowing thing. I'm really trying to figure this out too with all my clients, because there's such a disconnect with all of us, myself included, between what you intellectually understand and what you emotionally feel. So I can intellectually understand that I've helped you more than any other person, and behind the scenes, with no one listening, I could say that to myself and say, yes, that is true, and I know that's true and I've earned that. It's not like you know, it's not like I've only talked to you once a month for the last several years. And I think to myself okay, the amount of time and effort that I've put into helping Kev is higher than anyone else ever has, and I do know that to be true. But emotionally, if you are saying that on this podcast why, would that make me uncomfortable emotionally?

Alan Lazaros

I guess, yeah, probably what you said, but I don't know. I don't know how to confirm or deny that this is like deeper therapy work that I you know?

Kevin Palmieri

what do it right now? It doesn't make any sense Live in front of everybody, you know.

Alan Lazaros

A little therapy work amongst friends. A little therapy work. Do you think it goes?

Kevin Palmieri

both ways, Because I have a thought of. If somebody said I feel like I don't know nearly as much about anything as people think, Like that's my thought I don't know nearly as much about anything as anybody thinks.

Alan Lazaros

I suppose that you know what people think, you know. I think you know more than most people think.

Kevin Palmieri

For sure. But can you? Intellectually, when somebody says you know a lot, I feel like I can say thank you, but emotionally it's like, yeah, but you don't know that I don't know almost anything compared to what you think I do.

Alan Lazaros

Right? Okay, kevin and I are extremely different, but there are fundamentals about the human condition that apply, even though they apply in opposite ways. Okay, how are we going to figure this out? So you compliment me and say something that I intellectually know that I've helped you more than any other human, and I do appreciate it.

Alan Lazaros

There's a part of me emotionally that fails to feel good about that somehow. It's almost like if I were to feel good about that, would I come off as arrogant? Or am I afraid that you're just saying that? Maybe on some level I'm afraid you're just saying that to like. So maybe in the past people have complimented me to get something from me, and so I'm fearful that you're saying something that is not authentic to you. I know it's true, but if you are saying it to me, does that mean you're trying to get something from me? And I do know there in the past there have been people who have said things that weren't true to sleep with me. I'm kidding, I'm not, but I thought you would laugh at that. I was really hoping you might laugh at that.

Kevin Palmieri

Well no, I but you also aren't supposed to laugh at that, right, I thought it was. I assumed it was true. So when you said not true.

Alan Lazaros

I was like wait, there's no way, it's true, at least once, right, but at the end of the day, maybe's why you compliment me, and I'm fearful that you're saying that to somehow I don't want to sound in our relationship huh, I have zero.

Alan Lazaros

I don't want to have sex to you at all, not even that isn't my actual concern, but for anyone out there who has been, there's something called covert emotional manipulation, where people will essentially lift you up or put you down to get you where they want. Put you down to get you where they want you in order to get something from you. I mean, this is come on. This isn't the first time we've talked about that, and so I think that's probably it. I think I'm I'm reluctant to accept anything at face value. There's that quote of when a cat talking about cats a lot on this episode we were talking about how tilly scratched me before we hit record, but anyways, when a cat puts their paw on a hot stove, they'll never put it on a hot stove again, but they'll also never put it on a cold one.

Alan Lazaros

It's almost like your, your compliment could be very sincere and it and it is. And intellectually I might know that, but emotionally it's like don't, no, no, don't let that in, because if you do, you might be vulnerable to some sort of predatory whatever. And then you know next thing I know you're selling me some shit on Instagram. I'm joking, but I think that that's probably it is when you've been manipulated a lot by people saying things that are very positive about you or very negative about you. I think it's very hard to trust when people do give you sincere compliments which is unfortunate because I would really it's almost guaranteeing that I never get them in a way, yeah, because if I get, uncomfortable.

Alan Lazaros

When you compliment me, you're not going to compliment me again.

Kevin Palmieri

I do I, I do, but I don't think most people would, because I don't think they want to make you uncomfortable. But I know it's not a bad uncomfortable. I know it's probably a good uncomfortable.

Alan Lazaros

Yeah.

Discomfort as a growth opportunity

Alan Lazaros

It's like a productive, uncomfortable and I need to practice sitting in that discomfort in order to overcome it. But that's not going to happen if I keep being uncomfortable. It's almost like that self-fulfilling prophecy. I'll give this real quick. Being uncomfortable, it's almost like that self-fulfilling prophecy. I'll give this real quick.

Alan Lazaros

I know I'm kind of going off here, but for the longest time I never talked about my father's death, and after my car accident at 26, my father passed away in a car when he was 28. I went back and I went on a self-improvement spree and I went back to talk to all my past friends and I not all of them. I cherry picked a few people to call and ask questions about me, to try to learn about myself, and one of the people was my ex-girlfriend. Her name was Alyssa and I asked her all these questions Like what did you notice about me that that I might not know? And she said you never, ever, ever, ever talk about your dad and no one in your family talks about him either, unless it's like we're drinking. That's when he would come up, as oh, john would do it like that or whatever, or it was very sad. My mom would cry when she would get drunk, thinking about my dad and their relationship and very vulnerably. But I think the reason why we unconsciously didn't talk about it. Number one I don't think anyone really dealt fully well with that trauma and I'm saying that live and I do agree that to be true my family, mom, sister is what it is.

Alan Lazaros

Number two whenever you talk about your father's death, other people get uncomfortable and it seems like a Debbie Downer kind of thing. So it's almost like you never get to fully express your feelings about something because you make other people uncomfortable when you do, but if you don't express your feelings about it, you bottle it up and then you never heal. And so it wasn't until my Uncle Joe's funeral where I really felt like I fully healed maybe never fully, but way more percentage, more percentage, more percentage healed about my father's death because I got to attend the funeral. It was the same church, same cemetery as my father john, my uncle joe, same church, same cemetery, same speaker, my aunt jordan and I I. For me it was like it was a really powerful thing because as an adult I could actually sit in all of it at once and there was a lot of mourning and tears and acceptance and loss and all of that.

Alan Lazaros

But I think that all of us to bring this back to the listeners, viewers, you, me, all of us we are uncomfortable with something, whether it be complimented or you're someone who passed away or whatever it is, and that discomfort almost guarantees we don't work through it, because whenever you bring it up or whenever it happens, your protectors come up and say, don't know, no, but that guarantees you never really work through it in a way. So you, you really do have to go. People say get outside your comfort zone, and I always thought that means like go do the speech, regardless of how many people show up and apply to the job, even if you don't get it like that stuff.

Alan Lazaros

I mean, come on, I don't give a fuck like well, that's easy for you, it's easy for me and I know that's not normal for others, but it was the inner stuff for me that was really really uncomfortable, the outer stuff, I feel like I I do believe this to be true. I think everyone either struggles more with the inner stuff or the outer stuff. Some people are very connected internally and they work through their traumas and they do therapy work and their mental health is fairly sound, or they're working on it and and, but they struggle to succeed in the external world. And then other people are really good at the external world and I have some engineering friends that definitely fit that, but they never worked in here, and I think there's a very small percentage of the population on this growth journey that reaches this sort of place where they are constantly working on both. And I just think of the infinity symbol and Emilia and I she's the inner world and I'm the outer world. And I remember when we first met I said you're going to teach me the inner world, I'm going to teach you the outer world, and obviously both is both, but I do feel like in my thirties you as well. We've, we're learning how to master and remaster both, knowing we'll never fully master either.

Alan Lazaros

Hello, hello, hello, nlu listener. Thank you, as always, for listening to Next Level University. Real quick, I just want to jump in and let you know about the Next Level Dreamliner. This is a journal that I use every single day. Achieve your dreams 90 days at a time. It breaks down your dreams into goals, milestones and daily habits. We hope you enjoy it. The link will be in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri

It's a weird thing. I think compliments are a really weird thing. That seem very surface level but there's so much underneath them. That's why I told Alan I was like, what do you want to talk about today? And I said I want to talk about what's your relationship with compliments, because I feel like it's not about the compliment, it's about number one. You hear people say I struggle with accepting compliments. What does that mean? What is accepting a compliment mean? I feel like that most likely means you struggle with accepting that it's true about you, because it probably directly goes against what you think about yourself. Or I think this is one for me, one of my. So let's say, somebody says, hey, you've done a really, really good job at growing the business and I've had a lot of people say it's really, it's really amazing what you've created.

Alan Lazaros

Yeah, it is, I know, isn't it? Yeah, baby.

Kevin Palmieri

My fear with accepting that compliment Is I will my fear with accepting that compliment is. I will unconsciously accept more credit than I should, and then that'll get in my fear under that I'll lose my, become delusional. I know I'll lose my humility. Well, I guess it's the same thing, but yeah I'll, yeah, I'll lose my.

Alan Lazaros

Okay, what happens if you lose your humility?

Kevin Palmieri

Everything goes to shit, yeah, everything goes to shit.

Alan Lazaros

See, it's all People say. Well, don't make fear-based decisions, that's impossible.

Kevin Palmieri

Yeah, I think that's dumb.

Alan Lazaros

That's dumb. Yeah, not having any fears is like having no humility.

Kevin Palmieri

So if a bear knocks at your door with his or her massive claws and you're like I could be selling something, no, I don't want to get to the door. You're going to get mauled because he's not selling anything. He's not selling anything. He's trying to come in the fridge. I would like to have you thought at all about solar for your roof. That's not why he's there. He's there to rip your neck out your roof.

Alan Lazaros

That's not why he's there. He's there to rip your neck out. So the fear underneath the fear, underneath the fear is why you get uncomfortable. But none of this is the problem with being a human being. None of this is conscious. Yeah, it's not. It's autopilot trauma responses. When you complimented me, I didn't consciously go. I'm gonna purposely be uncomfortable right now because that's gonna protect me from something in the future. Kevin might be trying to sleep with me.

Alan Lazaros

Oh man only I've been working on it as comfortable with himself as you could, I've been working on it for eight years for a with themselves, as you could not.

Kevin Palmieri

I've been working on it for eight years. For eight years A long time, I mean I'm putting in work.

Inner Vs. Outer growth dynamics

Alan Lazaros

But the problem with these trauma responses is they're completely. They're patterns that are not serving us anymore and they're developed when we were very young or in the past.

Kevin Palmieri

They were developed in the past, but this is how you start, though I mean, this is the One of the reasons I enjoy episodes like this is because this is something that you and I are both working through.

Alan Lazaros

First of all, Kevin enjoys every episode. That is your relationship with something.

Kevin Palmieri

Love these episodes.

Alan Lazaros

Real quick about Kev Any episode that has to do with achieving your goals and dreams and strategies and systems yeah don't like them. Yeah, Kev's not for it and I'm all about it. Any episode that has to do with, have you ever thought about your relationship with money? Anything that's your relationship with is Kevin's favorite episode of all time Hyper-conscious.

Kevin Palmieri

Yeah, these are the hyper-conscious things. I don't know, I just think there's so much under it. I think this is how it starts. Okay, imagine how much this can change. I compliment Alan. I notice Alan is uncomfortable. I say, hey, man, how come you're uncomfortable? And I compliment you on that. And then boom, we're off to the races on an awareness at least. So my only, my takeaway for anybody watching or listening is if I was to sit you down I said this to someone the other day I said this is gonna sound weird, but if, if you could see me, if you could see yourself like I see you, your entire life would change and I said obviously that's a dumb thing because it doesn't work that way, and if it worked that way we'd all be better or worse, because some people probably see you way less than you actually are.

Kevin Palmieri

So that is dumb. But I don't, even if I, if, even if I made a list of all the amazing things that you are that you don't believe you are yet, you might not believe them.

Alan Lazaros

Do you think they see you as less than you actually are? Or do you think they see you accurately and then maybe put you down unconsciously to make themselves feel better or to keep their hooks in you, or something like that? I've found that there's a, there's a very few human beings. The story that they tell themselves about you is the same as what they unconsciously believe. So so if I believe Kevin is in better shape than I am, I actually don't. I mean I do and I don't.

Alan Lazaros

Depending on what you're talking about, muscle mass, you are okay. So Kevin has more muscle mass than I do per pound of body weight. Okay, that I can say authentically. I don't go out of my way to say, hey, kev, just so you know, I think you have more muscle mass than I do per pound of body weight, brother. So I think there's like a number one most people don't tell. I had a client recently who I've talked about anonymously, shout out to you, you know who you are who wanted to have me observe them and study them while under the influence of some alcohol. So they came semi-wine drunk to the call.

Alan Lazaros

I said where are you at Zero to 10. 10 is wine drunk, zero is no alcohol in your system. He's like I'm at like a three. I said we got to jack these numbers up. Let's go, I'm joking but we got to like a seven. He was so honest in the call and it's not that he was dishonest before that. This is a very honest person. He was more courageous to share what he actually thinks.

Alan Lazaros

I think there's a big disconnect between what someone thinks internally and what they say externally. There's a big one, and there's a client of mine that I'm thinking of that I said the same thing you'd said, which is, if you could see me the way I see you, your whole life would change, because I'm seeing the truth of how beautiful you are. I'm seeing the truth of how competent you are. I'm seeing that you are on point and I'm comparing you to the statistical people that I coach. You're on the very high end of amazing, but no one else is going to give you that because they're insecure and they're so fearful of how amazing you are.

Alan Lazaros

And it's such a weird thing because everyone thinks that being amazing is a great thing but it socially. There's a big difference between the social world and the real world huge difference and I I think that that's actually one of the main reasons why we struggle so much is because the social world we all know some beautiful girl where all the guys think she's gorgeous but none of them tell her and that's just the way the world works. Unfortunately, our social world and our reality world, real world is completely and utterly different and that's why social media can be so misleading, because social media is the social world, not the real world would you argue that being evolved around evolved people is different than because?

Kevin Palmieri

I would argue that, yeah, if there are some people that would give it, they would give you the credibility, they would give you the credit, they would give you the love. Those are the people that also aren't intimidated by you.

Alan Lazaros

Yeah, they have the confidence within themselves in the real world to where they have no problem. Like this person I'm thinking of, I consider myself much more confident than her, so I'm just trying to lift her up. I'm not trying to get anything from her. I'm not trying to sleep with her. I'm not trying. There's nothing like that. It's just. I just want to see you flourish and I don't think that you can do that unless you feel like you're flourishing and that's you can't give away what you don't have and unfortunately, inside, most people don't have that.

Kevin Palmieri

Have you done a? We got to, we got to hop here in a couple of minutes, but have you done a post meeting with the client who did the wine drunk thing to see if they regret any of the truth they gave?

Alan Lazaros

No, I told him on the meeting. I said you probably will fall in shame under this.

Kevin Palmieri

So careful, I'm so interested, yeah, we haven't.

Alan Lazaros

but he said I think we've got to do more of this man, so I think we're going to do a couple more.

Kevin Palmieri

Let me know if you need a third party. You need a third party. You want to kind of do some?

You’re more amazing than you think

Alan Lazaros

dual coaching dual, dual with a little whiskey in me, next level, wine drunk coaching, and I do want to make this as clear as possible, genuinely so. I, I feel like alcohol for me, my relationship with alcohol is, uh, I had an alcohol challenge and I I know we're being playful and we're being fun with this, but I I do want everyone to know that this person does not have a drinking problem and we are both certain of that and this is only an experiment, that he wasn't wine drunk, he had a little buzz on and it was. You know he's doing his thing. He's a young guy. I just don't want anyone to take this wrong because I I in the past I do think alcohol I've been very against, and I still kind of am, but only to people that are really taking it to an extreme. That really hurt people, and this person does not hurt people, from my understanding at all.

Kevin Palmieri

I don't know. I appreciate the clarification. I don't know if anybody would have thought anything negative of it, but I appreciate the clarification. Thanks, man. This person seems like a good person For sure. Huge fan, alright. So here's it before we go. You are probably. Whether you're watching or listening, you are way more amazing than you think in some ways, maybe many ways. Maybe the ways that you don't think you're amazing at, and you also have a lot of opportunity for growth, maybe in the ways that you don't believe you can grow, maybe the ways that you think you're amazing at, or maybe also the ways that you feel like you have a lot of growth in. So how does that compliment and or feedback make you feel? That is my takeaway from today's episode. Next Level Nation private Facebook group for amazing humans like you who are into growth. Next Level Dreamliner on Amazon. Make sure you have it for the next 90 days. The quarter is new enough where you can get it and still do it. Achieve your dreams 90 days at a time. It's on the what is?

Kevin Palmieri

that called. Use this bad Larry this morning. What's that called the fold in the?

Alan Lazaros

The spine, the spine, the spine of the book that's on Amazon. That called that the fold in the. The spine, the spine, spine of the book that's on.

Outro

Kevin Palmieri

Amazon and make sure you subscribed again. It doesn't not gonna help you that much because we do an episode every day, but it definitely will help us. We appreciate it very much, as always. We love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and I know you either don't have fans. We have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan Lazaros

Stay Next Level, next Level Nation.

Kevin Palmieri

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next.

Alan Lazaros

Level family. We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get ahold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host