Next Level University

#1 Lesson From 7000 Coaching Calls (1987)

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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In today’s episode of Next Level University, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros explore the fears and hidden wounds that shape our choices and relationships. With honest stories and practical insights from thousands of coaching hours, they reveal the simple steps to overcome self-doubt and isolation. Discover how to break free from the habits that hold you back and build genuine confidence daily.

Learn more about:
Free 30-minute Coaching Call with Alan - https://bit.ly/4f3MSUz
Next Level Live 2025: Saturday, April 5th, 2024 (10:00 am to 4:00 pm EST)  - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-live/

Episode Reference:
Sleep Is Your Superpower | Matt Walker | TED - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MuIMqhT8DM

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NLU is not just a podcast; it’s a gateway to a wealth of resources designed to help you achieve your goals and dreams. From our Next Level Dreamliner to our Group Coaching, we offer a variety of tools and communities to support your personal development journey.

For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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Any of these communities or resources are FREE to join and consume
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
Next Level 5 To Thrive (free course) - ​​https://bit.ly/3xffver
Next Level U Book Club - https://bit.ly/3BQBYDr
Next Level Monthly Meet-up:  https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/

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We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email. We’re here to support you in your personal and professional development journey.

Instagram 📷
Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Facebook ✍
Alan: https://www.facebook.com/alan.lazaros
Kevin: https://www.facebook.com/kevin.palmieri.90/

Email 💬
Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

LinkedIn ✍
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(4:02) Understanding personal core wounds
(6:58) Tailored advice for each wound
(16:36) Uncovering your unique personal superpowers
(21:23) Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://a.co/d/9fPpxEt
(28:45) Letting go and embracing fear
(36:32) Coaching opportunities and event promotion
(39:18) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Kevin Palmieri:

The only real way to work through your fear is to work through your fear. I don't think there is any way around it. If you're afraid of water, you kind of have to start by getting wet a little bit. You don't have to jump in the pool, but let's splash some on your hand and see what it feels like, and then let's put your hand in up to your wrist. Let's put both your hands in and then let's dip the toe and eventually you're swimming. But I don't know if there's any other way around it.

Alan Lazaros:

You desperately need to, I think, find belonging in a spiritual calling. You need to find belonging in some higher purpose and I do not mean religion, I mean you really need to find belonging within yourself, and or you need to find other people who feel like they don't belong. You need to find the other misfit toys, and that's okay. Misfit toys are great.

Kevin Palmieri:

Awesome Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, kevin Palmieri, and.

Alan Lazaros:

I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.

Kevin Palmieri:

At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros:

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life love health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri:

We bring you a new episode every single day, on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Alan Lazaros:

Welcome to.

Kevin Palmieri:

Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1987. Alan and I are recording this on Saturday. Saturday energy is just a little bit different, for some reason, and Alan interviewed me yesterday. The more you do it, the more clear you get. I'm not talking about sex in that episode. I interviewed you yesterday.

Alan Lazaros:

You interviewed me yesterday. That was actually my life-size decoy interviewed me yesterday. That was actually my life-size decoy.

Kevin Palmieri:

I got you the light Pretty good. Decent, decent, did you do well, decent? Yeah, I did get off a little bit disappointed.

Alan Lazaros:

I was like eh, that wasn't the best, that wasn't Alan's best, but now it makes sense, knowing it wasn't you, now it makes sense. I don't feel bad telling you that Life-size decoy Well this is my it was actually just AI.

Kevin Palmieri:

This is my life-size decoy. This is I'm Kevin's life-size decoy. Nice, this goes off the rails. So I figured today we could flip the script and I could ask Alan some questions and hopefully, from those questions and the answers that he provides, there will be a level of value for those of you here with us today. Are you ready, sir? Yeah, absolutely Okay, Grateful, Alright one. No, don't you fucking dare. I haven't asked yet.

Kevin Palmieri:

This is the first question. Yeah, At this point you have done over 7,000 coaching calls and all of those have been an hour.

Alan Lazaros:

Is that true? The large majority of them. Some of those are my 30-minute business-free breakthrough sessions are 30 minutes, but I often go over, as you know, you always go over, as I know Almost always.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, All right, so let's say you We'll say for a safe bet, you have 6,700 hours coaching.

Alan Lazaros:

Mm-hmm.

Kevin Palmieri:

And that's not counting you coaching me behind the scenes before these episodes right, some of that is counted.

Alan Lazaros:

Okay, if you and I are masterminding for a solid hour. I'll count that. Okay, we're going to say 6,700 hours, Okay. I feel, like it's honestly more than that. Okay, yeah, that was conservative Seven million hours of coaching, lots of coaching.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, that was conservative. Seven million hours of coaching, lots of coaching. What is the number one lesson you have learned about people? Second question what is the number one lesson that lesson has taught you about yourself?

Alan Lazaros:

The number one lesson I've learned about people is they all look at the world themselves and other people from a different lens, and there's three main categories of lenses that we've talked about that I use. Okay, so the way that you coach one individual is actually going to be detrimental to a different individual and the lesson that that taught me about me. Yes, the lens that I look from is alarmingly different. Statistically, it's the rarest and that's been really hard for me to realize. However, the more I've coached, the more I've identified how far on the statistical bell curve I am in terms of the way I see myself, others in the world and my core wound. That's really what it is. Let me provide context.

Alan Lazaros:

So I believe that everyone is, deep down, wildly insecure about something, but not the same thing. Everyone, I believe, is playing not to lose more than they're playing to win, but they're not playing not to lose the same thing and everyone has a different core wound. I've got the core wounds broken down into three main categories and I know this is an oversimplification for anyone who has been researching or a psychologist that's 30 years in or neuroscience. I understand, but to make it practical, there's three main core wounds and one of them is I'm not good enough, one of them is I'm not lovable and one of them is I'm not wanted and one of them is I'm not wanted.

Alan Lazaros:

The I'm not good enough struggles with external success but usually does very well in relationships and feels very like they fit in, feels a lot of belonging, strong sense of belonging. The one that's I'm not lovable usually has a ton of self-belief and is very good at external success and achievement and they feel very capable and competent, but they never. They always struggle in relationships to be their full self. And then the third one and that's the rarest, I think is they feel like they don't belong anywhere. They feel like why don't I belong anywhere? I don. They dabble in a bunch of different groups and they belong a little bit in each group, but they never feel a full sense of belonging. And I've learned over thousands and thousands of hours, to your point, how to coach each of these individuals differently.

Kevin Palmieri:

If we were to do a blanket statement, not medical advice, blanket statement on what the high-level advice would be for each of those three categories, Could you give us one under each? One or multiple under?

Alan Lazaros:

each. The one that's I'm not good enough is yours. Yes, and I do want to make this clear. Everyone has all three, but it's a percentage Kevin's. It's the syntax that matters. So if number one is I'm not good enough, number two is I'm not lovable and number three is I'm not wanted, I'm a 2-0-0, basically. So mostly I'm not lovable. Kevin is a 1, and he has a little bit bit of, I think, actually unwanted a little bit, which makes sense, too, what we were talking about earlier.

Alan Lazaros:

And then I don't think you're unlovable almost at all. You're literally in your head. You're like I'm lovable as shit, I feel lovable.

Kevin Palmieri:

I literally said to Taryn last night. I said I think my goal in life Might be to be the nicest person ever Of all time.

Alan Lazaros:

Well, you feel very accepted. You don't feel respected, you feel accepted I think it depends on.

Kevin Palmieri:

It depends on the place, but we so we got. We, tara and I both worked late last night. I think she worked late and she got instacart because pops was supposed to come over for dinner and she didn't have time to go to the grocery store and the dude who delivered it I was like he's like what's happening, man? I was like how do you live in the dream? You know what's up? And he just like started burst. He just bursted out laughing and then I was just making jokes and I said hey, give me elbows before because I had bags. I was holding the bags and it was like I might have made that dude's night. I hope I made that dude's night.

Alan Lazaros:

I think he respected me because I was confident he does. When I said you don't feel respected, I meant in certain rooms, like when you were at the hospital and doctors and all that.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, I didn't feel anything there. I didn't feel liked, respected, loved, any of it.

Alan Lazaros:

So to answer your original question, of each of these, so anyone watching or listening, I hope that you're able to determine which one. Now, none of this is conscious. We've done the work to find out what ours is. I didn't go into this eight years ago, knowing mine. I had no idea your record playing is I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough. It's not going to work out. I'm not going to be successful. Mine is I'm going to be successful, it's all going to work out.

Alan Lazaros:

You got this, but with relationships, forget it. I mean, I thought I I was like what is wrong with me? Why can't I, why don't people like me? I don't understand. I still to this day. It's like why doesn't anyone like me? I don't understand. And it's not that they don't like me. I realize that, okay, it's intimidation, all this other stuff, but the point is is, if any of that resonated, that's your core wound. Okay, so what is my advice for each? Okay, so the first one is I'm not good enough. If that is your record playing, my sincere advice on a podcast high level here would be you have to learn how to start playing to win instead of playing not to lose. What you're playing not to lose is credibility and social status. The people who feel not good enough will do anything to keep from looking bad. They they avoid failure like the plague because they're so afraid if they're seen as a failure, I don't know.

Kevin Palmieri:

I guess they're not good enough, yeah, yeah, okay.

Alan Lazaros:

Then there's the I'm not lovable. The advice for the so so the person who's I'm not good enough, they really need to face failure. They need to go. Find a small failure that you can go and look dumb. You need to be willing to look dumb. You need to be willing to ask a dumb question. You need to be around people smarter than you and be okay with looking like an idiot. Seriously, it'll change your fucking life as long as those people are not bullies. If those people are bullies, it's only gonna make it worse. Okay, so be very careful.

Alan Lazaros:

The advice I would give to someone who has I'm not lovable as I am, you need self-acceptance and self-love desperately. You're never going to belong at a barbecue. You're never going to belong in any setting that isn't goal-oriented, and you basically intimidate the fuck out of everybody, especially people in that first category, which is the largest category, and you think differently. You think differently than everybody else, but you don't know it and you basically you pretend to be more warm and loving than you really are because you're afraid to come off as more intimidating. So, behind the scenes, I'm very intense, I'm very driven, I'm very goal oriented. I'm very driven, I'm very goal-oriented, I'm very strategic, I'm very methodical and I can be playful and warm and loving with Emilia for sure but I'm not naturally that way when I'm in the office by myself. I'm not like hanging out. I'm very much focused on getting better and goal achievement. Okay, so these are the type A people. People who identify as type A typically are unlovable. That's why no one likes us.

Kevin Palmieri:

Right.

Alan Lazaros:

Hey, shouldn't you take a day off, man? Why don't you go on a vacation? I don't want to Right and again unlovables tell themselves a story that they do like vacation, but then they're on vacation thinking about work, Anyways. Okay, so that's the second one. So they need self-acceptance desperately. They need to. They need social courage. You need to.

Alan Lazaros:

I've recently started doing this and this is actually really scary for me, on this podcast in particular, because I've stopped hiding how much better I am. That's the scariest thing Like I'm getting red just talking about it right now. I'm significantly more capable than anyone knows, so I hide it to try to fit in because I want acceptance. But most people are very insecure about their lack of intelligence and their lack of competence and their lack of capabilities. They're also insecure about how little they actually think. And so when you are a hyper type, a super achiever, intelligent, competent, hardworking you, you, you make other people very insecure and their trauma response to that is either make a joke like you or tear you down or poison people against you or whatever. Okay, so that's the self-acceptance and self-love and inner work and therapy. If you are someone who says I'm not good enough, you need a great coach. If you're someone who says I'm not lovable the record playing is I'm not lovable socially you desperately need social courage, self-acceptance and a therapist. You need the inner work.

Alan Lazaros:

Third person this is the one I'm still working on, but this is someone who says I'm not wanted. This person basically feels like why don't, why doesn't anyone? They don't feel very sought after. Okay, so, so the I'm not good enough Doesn't feel significant. They don't feel like they win. They don't feel like they're the gold medalist. They never feel like the best on the team. They always feel like they. Why the hell is this person so much better than me?

Kevin Palmieri:

at everything.

Alan Lazaros:

That's how they feel inside, like why they don't even have to try. Why are they so much better than me? Right? That's that's the I'm not good enough. The I'm not lovable is why am I so much better than everybody at everything? Like I don't even understand why doesn't anyone like me, unless they're on my team, then they love me, then it's great, right. And then the I'm not wanted. This one is why doesn't anyone care? Why doesn't anyone want to be around me? Why don't I belong anywhere? Why don't I get invited back?

Kevin Palmieri:

Why the hell?

Alan Lazaros:

did Kevin get invited and I didn't that?

Kevin Palmieri:

Why the hell did Kevin get invited and I didn't? That's what they're thinking. I'm not really the man. I was kidding, do you think it's? Why don't people care about me as much as I care about them?

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, for sure, for sure. And the advice that I would give to that person is you desperately need to, I think, find belonging in a spiritual calling. You need to find belonging in some higher purpose, and I do not mean religion, I mean you really need to find belonging within yourself. And or you need to find other people who feel like they don't belong. You need to find the other misfit toys, and that's okay. Misfit toys are great, awesome.

Alan Lazaros:

So here's what I've got it boiled down to the I'm not good enough. They crave significance and they're very emotionally driven. The I'm not lovable are very logical and rational and goal oriented and they believe in themselves a lot. And then the the people who feel I'm not wanted, as their sort of core wound is why doesn't anyone? Why don't I matter more? I don't feel like I matter enough. And until you identify that core, it's very hard to be fulfilled. I think you can be successful externally without awareness to this. I no longer believe you can effectively be fulfilled without awareness. The proper advice, depending on which category you fall, and some people out there right now are thinking well, I resonate with all three of those. That's possible. I know some people that resonate with all of them.

Kevin Palmieri:

okay, what is the superpower? So you kind of spoke about unlovable right, but what's the superpower with the other ones that you've recognized?

Alan Lazaros:

the, the I'm not good enough. Superpower you mean what they have by default, or do you mean whatever, whatever comes up, whatever you've recognized? The I'm not good enough. Superpower you mean what they have by default, or do you mean?

Alan Lazaros:

Whatever, whatever comes up, whatever you've seen, Okay, the I'm not good enough is so good at small talk. They can talk to anyone about anything. They love shooting the shit, and just they can have fun at any holiday they love they can. They can be the life of any barbecue. Yeah, and, and the unwanted and unlovable the the other two core wounds are sitting there wondering how does that come so easy to you? Because they have to put on a mask to do that. So, socially, the superpower for the I'm not good enough is social. You are just a social. You get along with 90% of people very easily. Yeah, the superpower for the I'm not lovable category is you just are ridiculously competent. You feel like you can achieve all, like there's very little that you can't do if you really want it. However, you won't do it if you're afraid your relationships are going to ostracize you.

Alan Lazaros:

And they will, they will. That's the problem. But the superpower is self-belief. You just believe in yourself a lot deep down. Now I need to make this clear the people in the I'm not good enough category remember that's unconscious record. I know a lot of people that have that record, that think they believe in themselves but they don't know what it's like to actually believe in themselves. So I have someone I'm thinking of right now.

Alan Lazaros:

Christina is a great example of the I'm not lovable and she wouldn't mind me sharing that. She unconsciously tons of belief, bad-ass, but consciously she's like I don't believe in myself, that much bullshit. You always do it, you always step up to the plate, You're competent as hell. And then you've got other people oh, yeah, I believe, yeah, I believe myself a lot. Yeah, absolutely, I can do it, I got it, and then they never do anything. Yeah, that's, that's not unconscious self-belief.

Alan Lazaros:

So the superpower for that I'm not lovable is you just have more belief than other people statistically speaking, and you're very competent and capable. You're also probably very smart. You're very goal capable. You're also probably very smart. You're very goal oriented. You also have the prefrontal cortex very well developed, which is the part of the brain that only humans have that's let me rephrase Dolphins have it, primates have it, dogs, cats, like we have it very hyperdeveloped though. It's the part of us that is, the sapien part, it's the my, my prefrontal cortex. That's why no one I don't want to say no one that's why people struggle to like me, because I'm extremely analytical and extremely hyper intelligent and you're not even allowed to say that that's making me unlikable in this moment. But like I'm hyper well developed in the part of the brain that is the rarest statistically okay.

Kevin Palmieri:

What about?

Alan Lazaros:

uh, unwanted, yeah, so if your record is I'm not wanted and I don't belong, or I'm not included, your superpower is inclusion. You want to fight for everything to be equal. You just wish things were more equal. The people who have I'm not good enough, they feel like life's not fair, like why weren't I taught? Why aren't I taller? Why aren't I better looking? How come I'm not smarter? Like what's what the hell? Why? Why can't everyone make more money?

Alan Lazaros:

They feel like life has done something wrong to them. They feel like they got dealt a bad hand for. For the people I'm not lovable. They feel gifted but they hide it because if they don't, they everyone is going to shit on them and attack them Not everyone, but a lot of people, um, and they feel like they were dealt a. Really they'd never play the victim card, and the reason they don't isn't because they're so great, it's just they believe in themselves. They might be victims half the time time they are. They actually are a lot, but they don't play the victim Because it's like, well, I'll just find a way. But that's self-belief. And then the I don't feel wanted.

Alan Lazaros:

These people, they wish that life was more just. They don't understand the other thing about the I'm not lovable. They like meritocracy, so they don't like it when everyone gets a trophy. I don't like it when everyone gets a trophy. I don't like it when everyone gets a trophy because if everyone gets a trophy, it lessens my accomplishment. We're not all supposed to win. I think that that's a question. Yeah, question, this is good. Hello, hello, hello NLU listener. Thank you, as always, for listening to Next Level University. Real quick, I just want to jump in and let you know about the Next Level Dreamliner. This is a journal that I use every single day. Achieve your dreams 90 days at a time. It breaks down your dreams into goals, milestones and daily habits. We hope you enjoy it. The link will be in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri:

What if those winning identify as I don't believe in myself, though Like what if that's their core wound? Would getting a trophy help them or hurt them?

Alan Lazaros:

I don't know because I'm not that core wound.

Kevin Palmieri:

Say that again. What I think often happens is the smallest population has a very specific opinion about something that relates to way more people that they just don't understand. Yeah, agreed, so it's like to me I don't know. Okay, let's do this. There's team A. Everybody is high achievers, they all believe in themselves, they're all super competent. You guys come in second place.

Alan Lazaros:

You're not getting a trophy Because you guys don't care, it doesn't matter, you don't want a trophy. You wouldn't take it. No, we don't. Yeah, exactly, you wouldn't take it, yeah.

Kevin Palmieri:

Team B is a bunch of people who.

Alan Lazaros:

Unless there was the referees against you, or Well, let's say it's fair the other team cheated. Fair competition, like that kind of All games.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, of course you don't want the trophy.

Alan Lazaros:

You've ever seen like an Olympic athlete who doesn't.

Kevin Palmieri:

No, I don't watch the fucking Olympics.

Alan Lazaros:

Well, whenever you see an athlete who is pumped for the person who beat them, that's someone who identifies as I'm not lovable but believes in themselves a ton they're. That's someone being like good for you. I know what it took for me to get here.

Kevin Palmieri:

I'm I'm blown away by you yeah, so that team ton of self-belief right team b is some is filled with people who don't believe in themselves.

Alan Lazaros:

I wonder if you gave, but act like they do.

Kevin Palmieri:

I won't even say that, okay, we don't even have to clarify that level. I wonder, and then Team 3 or Team C or whatever I'm using is people who don't feel Included Included? I wonder, if you gave trophies to A, trophies to B, trophies to C, what the effects of that would be. I'm very curious, because that's why blanket statements are so hard. Yeah, exactly Is because, honestly, yeah, okay, cool, you're the coach who has 10 out of 10 self-belief and you're coaching kids who have 3 out of 10 self-belief and you're coaching kids who have 3 out of 10 self-belief and you don't think they should get trophies because you think they think of themselves like you do. You might be wrong or you might be right, I don't know, but I think that's why it's so hard.

Alan Lazaros:

What that coach would be trying to teach is the truth about the world, but there is such thing as too much truth too soon. Agreed? Yeah, exactly there. 100 is 100 is okay. The you had a question about the. What is the unwanted? Yeah, so.

Alan Lazaros:

So if I'm not good enough, as the record it's, you feel like you got dealt a bad hand and, almost no matter what you do, you feel insignificant and like a failure. If you have the I not lovable, you feel like, no matter what you do, people don't accept you for whatever reason, but you feel like you were dealt a great hand. You feel very capable and competent and and you feel like nothing is out of reach for you for the most part in terms of external success, okay. And then the third one is you basically just advocate for people to make sure that life is more fair to everyone. You just wish life was more fair and you don't understand why people don't care more. So the narrative is I'm a failure.

Alan Lazaros:

For the first category. The narrative for the second category is I'm a winner, but nobody likes me. So the first category is I'm a winner but nobody likes me. So the first category is I'm a failure, but I'm a great time. The second category is I'm a winner, but nobody loves me. The third category is why isn't the world more just? Why doesn't anyone care as much as I do? Okay About me.

Kevin Palmieri:

Why doesn't anyone care about me as much as I do?

Alan Lazaros:

Okay, about me. Why doesn't anyone care about me as much as I do? Yeah, okay.

Kevin Palmieri:

I think, and again, this is all my theory.

Alan Lazaros:

This is high level. This is all rooted in a lot of psychology and a lot of research as well. This is my extrapolated high level version for my coaching program based on internal family systems, cognitive behavioral therapy. You can study all these modalities of therapy and I've studied them for a long time five years now and this is my very high level practical coaching framework that I use to help people.

Kevin Palmieri:

It's always hard on podcasts because it's like you can only get so specific because everybody's different. I think it's a good opportunity to say which of those resonates the most with you, or to the deepest level or to the greatest percentage. That's a great place to start from self-awareness. Okay, we have a couple minutes left. It's always interesting doing these kind of episodes because I only have to ask like two questions and you just go off to the races yeah it makes it pretty easy one more thing that I want to bring up as well.

Alan Lazaros:

If you are out there and you are in my bucket, I'm not lovable or I'm not accepted, or I don't feel accepted. You contemplate a lot. You're someone who has the I'm not good enough but contemplates a lot, which is interesting. I also think the people who don't feel included, I think they contemplate a lot too. Usually the I'm not good enough, they don't contemplate as much. That's what I've noticed. That's my current thesis. They don't think about their thoughts. It's metacog. It's thinking about their thinking.

Kevin Palmieri:

It's like what is the?

Alan Lazaros:

point of all this?

Kevin Palmieri:

I mean say again I was going to say I don't think I would have done that a ton without the podcast, Maybe.

Alan Lazaros:

But you did. You did back in the day, especially after. Well, here's the thing that breaks everybody free and I know you didn't ask a question about this, but mortality breaks everybody free. Facing mortality can break you free, where you finally start playing to win instead of playing not to lose. I was playing not to lose relationships. You were playing not to lose social status and we both had mortality facing moments in our mid twenties my car accident, your suicidal ideation and then we started actually playing to win and facing our deepest fears. I faced the fear of being alone and and not loved or accepted and losing relationships. Really, that's what it is. I faced the fear of losing relationships. You face the fear of looking like a failure and looking like an idiot and looking losing the status of. I'm a six-figure owner who does XYZ.

Kevin Palmieri:

Okay, last question and we need a two-minute answer.

Alan Lazaros:

Mm-hmm.

Kevin Palmieri:

Okay, two-minute answer what is the process of letting go of the thing you're afraid to lose. Like the worst. It's terrible. Well, I I know terrible. I know that it feels like this.

Alan Lazaros:

It feels like the sky is falling. It feels like it's irrational mine included. Even after this episode, I'm gonna have. I feel okay now my neck's not as red. But there's a part of me that is you're not allowed to be this quote-unquote smart. Like what's your degree that lets you talk about this? My brain is everyone's gonna hate. Like who are you to? Well, you started the episode with 7 000 hours. I mean, at what point am I allowed to have a thought?

Kevin Palmieri:

right, but but I think to your point. I think to your point, it depends. With some people you're never allowed to have that thought. With other people, you're already allowed to have that thought, right? I think it depends on that.

Alan Lazaros:

Agreed.

Kevin Palmieri:

I'm screaming outside the office.

Alan Lazaros:

What does it feel like? It feels very, very, very scary. It just feels very scary emotionally, emotionally scary when you face, when you do, things that are the opposite of the way. Okay, break this down. I know you said two minutes, okay.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah.

Alan Lazaros:

I'm in trouble when you do things okay. I'm in trouble when you do things okay our whole life. Since we're kids, we develop these core wounds very young and then we orient our entire being say, think, do, feel and believe in the opposite direction of whatever that core wound is. So kev would do anything not to be seen as a failure. Of course, losing the push-up competition would have been devastating for you, especially if other people were watching and counting on you, right, that kind of thing, okay. Then when you become an adult and you face mortality, you realize that your life was not fulfilling because you spent it playing not to lose. And then you face mortality and realize there's nothing to lose because I just almost lost everything which is my life. And that's why post-traumatic growth is such a powerful thing. After you face a really traumatic event or face mortality, a lot of times there's a lot of growth after that. And then your ego sets back in and then you have to redo it. There's layers of this, but ultimately this is my prescription here. It is Identify the core wound. Number one which one of those three Identify the big one? The big one's running most of you Okay.

Alan Lazaros:

Number two is you have to admit that you're a coward. You have to admit and for the first one I'm not good enough. That's a lot harder. I can say I'm a coward all day, especially on the microphone. Ooh, he's humble, he thinks he's a coward. I'm not that much of a coward, but I am a coward compared to what I need to be right. I don't think I'm more of a coward than you. I just call myself a coward. It's like wow, he's a coward, I'm great. No, no, no, anyways, doesn't matter. Number one is figure out which core wound it is. Number two is admit that you're a coward. Everyone is to a certain extent. Number three is you have to go do something that scares the fuck out of you. If you are, I'm not good enough. You need to go. Look like a fucking failure. Gently, though.

Kevin Palmieri:

Gently, gently, gently, though, gently, gently, gently, gently. It's a staircase.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, you gotta do it gently. You gotta do it gently, okay. So Do something that Makes you lose social status.

Kevin Palmieri:

Here's what you gotta do Get up on stage For 15,000 people, piss your pants. That's the only way. I would never say that that's not true. But you do have to Raise your hand and ask a question, you have to fear, like, yeah, you have to intentionally do something that scares you, regardless of what the outcome might be.

Alan Lazaros:

Yep, to the right size, though someone like christina has to actually say yeah, I am actually really good at that and you have to own that socially. You have to own that around other people. Oh, it's the worst. It's like oh no, you're not allowed to say that around other people. Oh, it's the worst. It's like, oh no, you're not allowed to say that, oh, he thinks he's gifted. Hmm, you know, it's so brutal.

Alan Lazaros:

And then the for the last one, if I'm not wanted, you have to, I think, face the truth that you're actually not that important, not that important, not that sought after, and then, when you let go of that, you'll actually care about it less and, ironically, you'll be more sought after. All of these are paradoxes. I'm trying to get love, and so I never get it. You're trying to get significance, so you guarantee you never get it, and they're trying to get sought after, so they never get it. The unlovable feels super sought after, but no one accepts them. The defectives feel like they're going to be a failure almost no matter what they do, and they basically guarantee they're going to stay a failure, since they can never actually fail forward in in public. And then it's just we're all basically circling around our core wounds, staying stuck in our own cage, of our own making, I think cage is a really good word, because it essentially is that you cage yourself.

Kevin Palmieri:

I was on a podcast last night and I said I don't know why it's set up this way. I didn't set it up this way. Shit, if it was up to me, it wouldn't be set up this way. The only real way to work through your fear is to work through your fear. It's like there's no. I don't think there is any way around it. You just kind of have to. Yeah, if you're afraid of, if you're afraid of water, you kind of have to start by getting wet a little bit. You don't have to jump in the pool, but let's splash some on your hand and see what it feels like, and then let's put your hand in up to your wrist and let's put both your hands in and then let's dip the toe and eventually you're swimming. But I don't know if there's any other way around it.

Alan Lazaros:

The one thing that unites us all is that we're all afraid. We're just afraid of something different. That's one thing that's been really empowering for me to realize is I'm actually deeply fearful too. I'm just not afraid of the same things Kev is, and that's the difference. That's why we're all so unique. And I guess the world would be very boring if we were all the same.

Kevin Palmieri:

Maybe, who knows, maybe it might be awesome, I know.

Alan Lazaros:

It could be awesome. Who who maybe might be awesome? You know it could be awesome, who knows? But I certainly be. Uh, it would be different.

Kevin Palmieri:

Less fear there'd be less fear right, or more fear just in the same direction. You love that stuff.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, yeah, you're like let's imagine a world where we all have the same fears.

Kevin Palmieri:

Well, yeah, same core wound. We would all be like them. It's like you can't can't go in the woods at dark. Nobody would ever go in the woods at dark. Nobody would ever go in the woods at dark, because that's where the monsters are. You know what I mean. This is the last thing I'll say, because I think this is a good way to wrap it up. I think this can help us have empathy for why, if you've ever said to somebody like dude, why don't you just go, do that? It's not as easy for them as it is for you 100%. That's why. And you don't understand that. Or if anybody's ever given you that advice, they don't understand you. And that's one of my favorite things about doing episodes like this is essentially, I think it can not only help you understand yourself better, but it can help you understand other people better, and then you can communicate with other people. Even my gentle reframe of, yes, do something that scares you, but it doesn't have to scare the shit out of you, it can. Let's get a little nervous sweat going.

Alan Lazaros:

And if anyone was ever wondering why this podcast feels different, seems different whatever frame, it's because Kevin and I are speaking from two different core wounds and we have learned to understand each other's, which is why I think we were even able to have this conversation. I didn't know at the beginning of this journey, when you and I first started podcasting, I had no idea that I believed in myself so much. Everyone around me acts like they do too. Well, yeah, how could you know? You just wouldn't know.

Kevin Palmieri:

That's like the thesis in this episode is almost nobody ever sees the world the same way. No two people ever see the world exactly the same way. Unless you have the, you could know yeah, it's impossible, yeah, it's impossible, it's impossible.

Alan Lazaros:

And I literally said to you before this I said, do you want to talk about kind of like the core wounds? You're like, ah no, not really. It's like, okay, you did, you did. That wasn't what I was. I didn't want to because that's fearful for me. Well, I appreciate the. And again, you want to talk about productivity?

Kevin Palmieri:

No, I hate productivity. I do love this, though.

Alan Lazaros:

This is the best, of course, you do.

Kevin Palmieri:

I appreciate the conversation very much. I appreciate the vulnerability. I think again, 7,000 vulnerability. I think again, 7 000 coaching calls. That's a lot of that's a lot of calls and that's a lot of reps and that's a lot of conversations with people. So is it science, is it law, is it facts? I don't know. It's experience and it's theory and it's practice right now. And when alan writes a book in 20 years, I'll write the forward for it and be like this book's cool, it's good, read it the whole thing. If this book's cool, it's good, read it the whole thing. If this book collects dust that sucks. That would be my forward for the book. All right, cool.

Alan Lazaros:

You have something to say. You'll understand if I don't come to you first with that forward. I will be devastated, I don't care who you have access to, I better be the number one on the list.

Kevin Palmieri:

Okay, I'll bow out. Graciously, I better be the number one on the list.

Alan Lazaros:

I'll bow out graciously.

Kevin Palmieri:

I'll say honestly, man, I think you could probably get someone better. You know I would, but come to me first, just so I feel good about the process.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, yeah sounds good.

Kevin Palmieri:

What if Alan writes this book and he's like a best-selling author and he forgets about me? Yeah, there's the core wound in action. Can't forget about me if I'm the fucking beginning probably don't know exactly who I am. Even if they don't, even read the book, they'll just remember me. This actually might play well for me.

Alan Lazaros:

I'm gonna get more success. Most people only read the first chapter anyway, so let me write the foreword in the first chapter and we'll be.

Kevin Palmieri:

We'll be aces, all right. Uh, alan still has coaching slots available, so obviously he does very little outside. I mean, he does a lot of things, but he does a lot of coaching. That is like the main focus. So if you're looking to get to the next level of your life, we'll have the link in the show notes for a free 30 minute call.

Kevin Palmieri:

Next level live is April 5th 2025, all day, totally virtual, from the comfort of your own home. You can get a little bit better. Are we going to say that this is going to be the event that changes your life forever? No, I think it could be the domino that changes a lot of things, but I'm beyond. I mean, I've been to a lot of events. None of them changed my life like that, but all of them changed my life a little bit. And then what you do with that change compounds. So I'll have the link in the show notes for that as well. The landing page is up and live you. We appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you at NLU. We don't have fans.

Kevin Palmieri:

We have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow. Keep it next level, next level nation. Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University.

Alan Lazaros:

We love connecting with the Next Level family. We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri:

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host