Next Level University

Evolution Can Feel Like Misalignment… (1995)

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Finding the balance between growth and authenticity can be tricky. In today’s episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros explore the fine line between evolving and losing yourself. They share personal stories on meeting expectations vs. staying true to yourself. Tune in for clarity and confidence in your journey!

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For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

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We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email. We’re here to support you in your personal and professional development journey.

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Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

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Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

LinkedIn ✍
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(2:08) The difference between evolving and forcing change
(3:52) Fear of stepping up or just not wanting to?
(5:12) Discovering what truly aligns with you
(7:41) Changing yourself Vs. Self-acceptance first
(10:19) How personal growth affects relationships
(12:46) At NLU, we want you to win! So, we’re giving tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month at 5 PM. https://bit.ly/4dPeTiD
(15:50) Do you have to change to succeed?
(18:55) Misaligned goals and unfulfillment
(20:35) Finding the balance between growth and authenticity
(22:49) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Kevin Palmieri:

I think it's very easy to try to fit into certain roles because you get the benefits of doing it. I think, deep down, I knew that if I wasn't more like that person, the relationship wasn't going to last. And rather than saying you know what, honestly, I know we got into it pretty quick and I know there are some things that work, but I think we're just fundamentally two different people and I think one of us probably I just didn't know it. Yeah, I knew yes, because I knew she was going to leave eventually.

Alan Lazaros:

Do you feel I think all of us fall a little bit more into one of these two categories Kevin's or mine? Do you feel like you have to change your essence in order to achieve?

Kevin Palmieri:

your goals, or do you feel like you have to change your essence to fit in at a barbecue?

Alan Lazaros:

Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri:

I'm your host, kevin Palmieri, and I'm your co-host, alan Lazarus. At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros:

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri:

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros:

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Kevin Palmieri:

Welcome to Next Level University, Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. You making noises over there.

Alan Lazaros:

I didn't think so. I thought I heard a little.

Kevin Palmieri:

I didn't know if you have a little. Sometimes when alan eats, he goes this is gonna be disgusting.

Alan Lazaros:

I ate a little piece of my lip like intentionally or I know I think it was a habit, I just my lips are all chapped and I just hammered a piece of my lip right right down the goal how was it? Salty. Salty tasting. Honestly, I don't know. I was unconscious. I'm over here looking at my calendar because we have 18 minutes.

Kevin Palmieri:

We're going to get it done All right. Today for episode number 1,995, evolution can feel a lot like misalignment. Last night I was laying in bed and Alan and I are recording back-to-back episodes today in an hour block, which we hate doing because the episodes are short, but our backs are up against it this week and I said, dude, I'll come with both episodes, I'll come with stories, I'll come with titles. I got you. Last night I was thinking and the thought that jumped into my mind was based on an experience that I had where I've told this story before, but maybe not in this way. I was dating someone and this story before, but maybe not in this way. I was dating someone and this person and I were very different. They were super outgoing, they were the life of the party, they love to be all. They wanted to go to Boston, they wanted to go out in the city, they wanted to go hang out with friends on rooftop bars and shit. And I was like, hell, yeah, that's what the new version of Kevin's going to be.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri:

And when I logged on with Alan today and I told him about this episode, I said essentially what I think would be a valuable thing is what's the difference between growing and evolving into a new, more aligned version of you and exchanging your core values and your core beliefs to fit in a certain category? Because in retrospect I definitely did that. I couldn't tell the difference between I don't want to do this because I'm afraid, and I don't want to do this because this isn't who I want to be. And those were. I don't know how to decipher that. I'm not sure how to decipher that. You've said this before. Are you afraid to step up to the plate? What is it? Don't know how to decipher that. I'm not sure how to decipher that. You've said this before. Are you afraid to step up to the plate? What is it? Do you, are you afraid to step up to the plate? Or do you not want to say?

Alan Lazaros:

I always screw it up stuff. One of them is I, yeah. One of them is I'm afraid that I'm gonna miss. I'm afraid, I'm not afraid to yeah, I'm afraid to swing because I'm afraid I'm gonna miss. I'm afraid, I'm not afraid to yeah, I'm afraid to swing because I'm afraid I'm gonna miss the ball, okay. The other one is I don't even know if I wanna hit this thing.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, that's better. That's better than what I said.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, I don't even know if I want a home run. That Well, that is.

Kevin Palmieri:

I'm very I won't say I'm very certain of who I am. I'm more certain than I've ever been. But things come up and it's like oh, I didn't know, I liked that Interesting. Okay, that's surprising. I've enjoyed that Escape rooms. If I could do an escape room every week for the rest of my life, I'd be happy as a pig and shit Didn't know that I don't like leaving the house. I'm not going to like this, loved it, huge fan. But I wouldn't know that if I didn't do it and then say, ah, this is actually you use your brain. There's a ton of strategy. I'm with my wife and we're literally problem solving together. You want to talk about one of the most stressful things ever. Every couple should do an escape room before they get married. You survive the escape room. You might survive marriage. But now I realize how aligned it is. But what if I did it and it wasn't aligned? And then I try to convince myself it was. That's my thought for this episode.

Alan Lazaros:

I was on a coaching session earlier today and I had Emilia it was really Ship Talks Coaching, we coach couples and I had her pull up it's in her office, so she's on her Mac, and I had her pull up it's in her office, so she's on her mac. And I had her pull up the chat gpt of course you love the chat share screen, love it and I said ask this question what is what? Is the general manager of her own, not her own? Uh, general manager of a pet food store, pet store? Yeah, not pet food store, pet store. They got everything, all the stuff all the stuff.

Alan Lazaros:

I don't know a ton about pet stores. I know a ton about business and I also have been coaching another person with a pet store for like five years. Now, shout out to you, you know who you are, the. The question that I was asking myself was is this person actually type a but scared to lean into it? Or are they trying to pretend they're type a in order to fit in or achieve their dreams, or because that's what society thinks she should be as an empowered woman, when in reality she just wants to actually hang out and that's okay. I'm not making that wrong. Some people are type A and are hiding it. That would be the old me. Other people are not type A but they think that they need to be in order to, you know, be valued by society, so to speak. So there's a bunch of character traits. It's boom, boom. High ambition, goals, high standards. And I said green, yellow, red green means yes, I, I 100 resonate yellow means meh kind of sorta, and red is definitely not.

Alan Lazaros:

And we went through there was 15 character traits and I think it was 10 greens. Yeah, 17 character traits, 10 greens. I yeah, yeah, yeah, 17 character traits, 10 greens. I can see it on Emilia's Remarkable right now 10 greens, 4 yellows, 3 reds. And I remember thinking, holy shit, you're totally type A Way more than I thought. And then we went into the fears as to why she's afraid to lean into that and usually it comes down to you're afraid to lose relationships. Usually that was certainly mine. Okay, so what's my point of all that, kev? I used to. When we first found self-improvement for me it was 10 years ago, I thought, okay, um, I'm going to change who I am.

Alan Lazaros:

And I didn't consciously think that, but I was like you know what? I'm going to fix everything that sucks about me and I just went to work. Okay, well, maybe I'm a little too extroverted. I need to learn how to stay introverted. Let me just stay alone all the time. Okay, I'm kind of loud and I drink too much, so I'm going to be quiet and shut my fucking mouth.

Kevin Palmieri:

Second one, though drink too much. Like to I'm going to be quiet and shut my fucking mouth. Second one, though drink too much like that's good. It's a good start, well I'm gonna drink less yeah, drink less. That's.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, drink, that's, that's exactly exactly, okay, I, I'm friends with everyone and I fit in anywhere and I'm a chameleon. Okay, I'm gonna try to stay me in every room and then you swing that the other way and it's a pendulum and I think that you explore and when you do, you always have to re-self-assess. Like you know, I actually kind of like staying in on thursday night reading einstein by myself. What the fuck does that mean about me? Uh, I actually do kind of dig stephen hawking's work about physics and that kind of thing. Okay, I actually do love these philosophy books more than partying on rooftop bars with my ex I, you, you learn about yourself.

Alan Lazaros:

So what I used to say is I'm going to change me. All the shit I don't like about myself I'm going to change and I'm going to. So I'm going to change who I am. So here's who I am. I'm going to change and I'm going to. So I'm going to change who I am. So here's who I am. I'm going to change who I am. I'm going to try to be this person and achieve this. I don't do that anymore and I don't help other people do that anymore either. We did an episode a while back on self-awareness, self-acceptance, then self-improvement, self-awareness, self-acceptance, then self-improvement In that order. If self-improvement is coming as a byproduct of you trying to run in the opposite direction of your unconscious insecurities, you're in a lot of trouble. I have a question for you.

Kevin Palmieri:

Seven years ago. Let's say you're on the first episode of the Hyperconscious podcast, widely considered the best podcast of all time. I am not saying that myself. It's out there. It's out there. It is somewhere in the universe. I haven't seen it yet, but I'm sure it's out there. Somebody had to have good vibes about it. I say to you, alan, you know it's really hard to be into growth, and especially if you're in a relationship with someone who isn't as into growth, what advice do you give to somebody who wants to help their partner grow? I asked you that question seven years ago. I asked you that question today. How is the answer different?

Alan Lazaros:

I'm going to need you to lock it up in a shortened amount of time, just because I know this could be the rest of the fucking episode if I don't keep an eye on it.

Alan Lazaros:

Well, this is me not changing myself, that's right. I tend to elaborate Okay, old seven years ago would have not understood how type A I was. And I would have not understood that when people set goals they're not reverse engineering it based on the person they actually are in their essence. So I would say the old me would say well, if they want to achieve that goal, they're going to have to do XYZ and become AWB. Abc Would have worked better.

Kevin Palmieri:

AWB? I don't know ABC.

Alan Lazaros:

So therefore they have to change if they want to achieve those goals. That was a mistake. Now it's let's uncover who they actually are and make sure the goals are aligned with that. I'm convinced that the majority of human beings will never achieve their dreams because their dreams are incongruent with who they actually are. I'm convinced of 100, and you have to uncover who you actually are.

Alan Lazaros:

It's hard to know what's conditioning and what's true self. It's very hard to know. Are you you like to be at home because you used to stay at home a lot, because you didn't have money growing up and you couldn't go do a lot of things like your friends? Or do you like to stay at home because that's naturally who you actually are? Or is it because you're a fucking coward and don't want to go out and into the world? I'm being playful, but the truth is, all of them are true simultaneously, but you got to go out in the world and see which ones are which and all that kind of stuff. So the new answer would be self-assess, self-assess and ask yourself am I just too scared to be extroverted but I actually really am, probably deep down, but I've been maybe conditioned not to be or am I actually introverted and and I've just been trying to be extroverted and I've never, ever actually liked it?

Alan Lazaros:

yeah yeah, it's you.

Kevin Palmieri:

I think the ultimate goal is to help your partner be more of who they want to be, not more of who you want them to be. Yeah, more of who they really are, though, because who they want to be is not always who they really are, that's actually exactly what my coaching is for is helping you own who you actually are.

Kevin Palmieri:

But if somebody asked me that, I think if somebody asked me that, like seven years ago, I would have said well, you have to find a way to influence them in a positive direction. You share, you share what is important about the thing with them and you tell them how important it is, and and that's all. I think that's all decent advice.

Alan Lazaros:

NLU listener what is happening? I just wanted to jump in here and let you know if you want to get to the next level faster. We have a free virtual monthly meetup at the first thursday of every month. You can connect with like-minded people and become a bigger part of this amazing global community.

Kevin Palmieri:

The link to register will be in the show notes the hard understanding is if that's not who that person actually aspires to be and it's not in and it's not based on their core values, their core beliefs, their core aspirations, it's not going to happen. Yeah, it's not it's just not going to happen. And here's the truth. It shouldn't. Exactly, it shouldn't because if I did decide, yeah, I'm rooftop Kev, fucking love it. How much is the cover? 20?, I got you.

Kevin Palmieri:

The only time you loved it is when you were blasted. I loved it when I was drunk. That's not true, self man Well maybe it is, maybe it is, yeah, exactly, hey, maybe it is. You know, maybe we should. No, I had my season when I was in my early 20s, when we would go out to Worcester, which is the second biggest city in Massachusetts, and I knew the bartenders, I knew the bouncers, they were my buddies.

Alan Lazaros:

You used to party in the Woo. I went to college in the Woo.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, yeah, I knew, everybody I knew everybody.

Kevin Palmieri:

But honestly, that wasn't who I really was and if I was in, I feel like people would probably think my relationship is extremely boring Yours too, I would say. But this is the relationship I've aspired to. Same, this is exactly 100%. There will be times where Tara and I are on like a Saturday no, it's earlier in the week I'll be like, all right, Saturday night we'll go out, and then it's like 3 o'clock on Saturday and I look at her and she's like I'm tired, Same, All right, cool, let's get the jammies on.

Kevin Palmieri:

You know I now can that be a crutch? Going back to crutch and trampoline? Yeah, it doesn't mean that's all we should ever do. It doesn't mean that's the most fulfilling life. We have to figure out the balance in that. But my perspective on this has changed a bunch, because I think it's very easy to try to fit into certain roles because you get the benefits of doing it. I think deep down, I got you real quick. I think deep down I knew that if I wasn't more like that person, the relationship wasn't going to last. And rather than saying you know what, honestly, I know we got into it pretty quick and I know there are some things that work, but I think we're just fundamentally two different people. Is that why you were relieved when she left you to it pretty quick? And I know there are some things that work, but I think we're just fundamentally two different people.

Alan Lazaros:

And I think Is that why you were relieved when she left you Probably, I just didn't know it.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, I knew yes, because I knew she was going to leave eventually.

Alan Lazaros:

This is one of the hardest things, too, and I'll ask you this Okay, we've talked in the past where I felt like, in order to achieve my goals, I had—no, in order to be in successful relationships with others, I had to be different than who I really am. For you, you felt like you had to be different than who you really are to achieve your goals.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, I think, there's some truth to that. So if you took me out of this equation at nlu, I'm the type a achiever, driving setting the pace kevin's words, not mine I set the pace. I'm always going to be like that. I don't want to not be that now. That makes my relationships and friendships very difficult with emilia not at all, because she's I mean, I have to pull her out of the fucking office, honestly, like at nine o'clock at night. But she's a type A as well, if I'll share this.

Alan Lazaros:

I remember early in our relationship I said this to Emilia. I said, emilia, you would spend more time and effort trying to fit in than it would take for you to just go achieve great things, because you're never gonna be like these other people that you're trying to be friends with. It's not gonna work. I know who you are, I know your essence. It's not gonna work. And that was big for me, because I'm looking at me going. I'm doing the same thing.

Alan Lazaros:

And so for anyone out there, if nothing else comes of this episode, do you feel I think all of us fall a little bit more into one of these two categories, kevin's or mine? Do you feel like you have to change your essence in order to achieve your goals, or do you feel like you have to change your essence to fit in at a barbecue? I think that will be a good indicator that helps you design a life that actually is aligned with your essence. It doesn't mean you can't achieve goals. Maybe you just can't achieve. Maybe you just can't be a billionaire. Right, you can't be a billionaire, a self-made billionaire, and seriously and just like not be type A. There are no. There are no self-made, non-type A billionaires kind of.

Alan Lazaros:

Maybe, there's a few exceptions, but again, I don't want a blanket statement, but what I do want to know is what I want to share is I've coached so many damn people at this stage and it's so obvious to me now, like you don't actually want that, you want to want that more than you actually want that, Whereas someone like Emilia she can't not be that way. That's who she actually is and she's unfulfilled when she's not. And I think that if the process required to achieve your goals is unfulfilling, that is something to question Seriously.

Kevin Palmieri:

Well, I think that's a really good question. Who for Emilia? She's sad if she's not herself In a direction that's scary, like literally kind of separating herself from society. Well, if you're the type of person who is trying to fit in all the time, you might be doing more damage. It's such a complicated thing Because it's like the opposite. You're trying to be the opposite of who you are to get certain needs met, but you'll never actually get those needs met sustainably because that's like the opposite. You're trying to be the opposite of who you are to get certain needs met, but you'll never actually get those needs met sustainably because that's not who you really are. And even getting those needs met isn't going to serve the purpose because you're going to have to be somebody different and it's this whole fucking domino effect and it's not going to fulfill you.

Alan Lazaros:

It's not going to fulfill you. Yeah, kev, last question, get a jump. Yes, you felt like you had to change who you are to achieve your goals. Yeah, and there are certain goals you had that you would have had to change who you are if I wasn't in your corner, quite frankly, for sure, even with you.

Kevin Palmieri:

I mean how many? How different am I now? How did you?

Alan Lazaros:

do how? How are you handling that? Because kevin and I have kind of fallen into and designed the way we do nlu, pgu, bgu, podcast, business coach, all this stuff based on what fulfills us, also based on who we actually are. And there were times where it was like, honestly, kev, you're trying to be this thing, you're not going to be fulfilled doing that, but yet you didn't have to give up your goals.

Kevin Palmieri:

You know, in a way, so I don't know if I have a good answer because I think it's so specific, but if anytime I'm super unfulfilled, I come to you and then we have a conversation and we figure out why and then we try to realign. But I also understand, not everybody has that Circumstantially I can do whatever I want, just say like, hey, man, I don't want to do blank. And then you might say, yeah, dude, we need you to. Though Is there another way you could do it that's more aligned? That would be more fulfilling. Let's have that conversation. It's not. I can't just say, like you know, I don't want to podcast anymore, I'm over it.

Alan Lazaros:

Honestly, I'm not feeling Saturday.

Kevin Palmieri:

I'm over it. I'm over it. Obviously that's not it, but I think it's more the fact of, luckily, the skills that I have and or really really enjoy developing are the skills that are needed Because, honestly, if it was me and me, that shit wouldn't fly.

Kevin Palmieri:

If it was me and a business partner like me. That wouldn't work. I'd be like a business partner like me. That wouldn't work. I'd be like no Kev. Somebody has to plan the future. Like well, I don't know if that's me, just like, if there were two of you, it would be different. Yeah, it would be worse, better or worse, I don't know, but it would be different.

Alan Lazaros:

It would be worse in the sense of you're more willing to do the creative stuff that I love it I mean, in the beginning you did all the audio and video editing before we had a team and all that kind of stuff. So it's, it's worked. Hindsight's 2020 yeah for sure, but we definitely fit much better in hindsight than I've anticipated.

Kevin Palmieri:

I don't have an answer for that, because I think it's very, very specific and I know me and I know you and anytime I haven't been fulfilled, we've had a conversation both of us, us right. Anytime you're not fulfilled, we have a conversation. Let's figure out what it is, let's pitch and catch on that and then luckily, the stuff that I like is the stuff that I've gotten to kind of put the most time into. But again, there's still stuff I do that I don't.

Alan Lazaros:

And then there's always some stuff, yeah, no-transcript.

Kevin Palmieri:

We're going to. We're going to hop on out of here. Thursday, 5 PM Eastern standard time. Our monthly meetup will have the link for the website in the show notes. Uh, we were kind of discussing in the last episode where to go. It'll always be on the website and the website's going to live forever. The links change as the meetup changes, so the website will always be the place to go. So I'll have the link in the show notes for that. Dreamliner, next Level, live 2025, all that stuff. We have another round of group coaching starting in, I don't know, next month at some point April 15th.

Alan Lazaros:

We moved it a little bit because we have Next Level Live 2025, april 5th, so we have a little buffer there. Next Level Live 2025. The landing page is done, fully ready. Ready to rock. You'll get a follow-up email when you buy your ticket $47. Click the link in the show notes. Buy your ticket ASAP Rocky.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, don't wait until the last minute. Do it for us, that way we know you're coming.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, seriously, there's also a private WhatsApp group for everyone who comes. So, yeah, get in there sooner rather than later, All right cool as always.

Kevin Palmieri:

We love you. We appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you. We don't have fans, we have family.

Alan Lazaros:

We'll talk to you all tomorrow Stay Next Level, next Level Nation.

Kevin Palmieri:

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next.

Alan Lazaros:

Level family. We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri:

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow. You.

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Alan Lazaros

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Kevin Palmieri

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