Next Level University

This One Thing Guarantees Relationship Failure (2022)

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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The concept of relationship compatibility is often misunderstood. In today’s episode, Kevin and Alan challenge the myth that love alone is enough. With honest stories and real-world insights from coaching couples, they talk about the hard truth that some people just aren’t meant to stay together. You’ll learn why shared direction, values, and life goals matter more than we often admit—and how to recognize when a relationship is forcing you to become someone you’re not.

Learn more about:
Next Level Live 2025 - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-live/
Saturday, April 5th, 2024 (10:00 am to 4:00 pm EST)

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NLU is not just a podcast; it’s a gateway to a wealth of resources designed to help you achieve your goals and dreams. From our Next Level Dreamliner to our Group Coaching, we offer a variety of tools and communities to support your personal development journey.

For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email. We’re here to support you in your personal and professional development journey.

Instagram 📷
Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Facebook ✍
Alan: https://www.facebook.com/alan.lazaros
Kevin: https://www.facebook.com/kevin.palmieri.90/

Email 💬
Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

LinkedIn ✍
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(4:10) The “alignment” road trip metaphor
(7:59) When values and goals clash
(10:43) Feeling misunderstood and unsupported
(14:23) How effort feels in aligned vs. misaligned relationships
(18:07) Real talk about settling Vs. Being intentional
(20:44) Join Next Level Live: A virtual, immersive event for those committed to growth, meaningful relationships, and a life they love. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-live/
(23:04) Choosing growth over staying the same
(34:47) Relationships are about growing together
(39:06) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Kevin Palmieri:

I think one of the hardest things to understand about relationships is love just does not conquer all. It's fun to say that it looks really good in movies, but going to a counselor or a relationship therapist does not guarantee you and your partner are going to work, just like going and getting surgery does not guarantee that you are going to be healthy after, and I think that's just a very unfortunate truth that we all have to get to at some point.

Alan Lazaros:

Emilia and I have been coaching couples some married, some new, some honeymoon phase, some power struggle phase, some commitment stage all the different walks of life and what we've come to find is that some couples actually should not end up together.

Kevin Palmieri:

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri.

Alan Lazaros:

And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.

Kevin Palmieri:

At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros:

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri:

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros:

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Kevin Palmieri:

Welcome to Next Level University, next Salvation, today for episode number 2022. 2022. This one thing guarantees relationship failure. I was editing a client's video the other day and they were talking about how, prior to one of their divorces prior to their divorce they've only been divorced once they had a therapist and they had a counselor and they were going every week and they were going every week and eventually the therapist said look, you guys can come every week and you can keep paying me and you can keep sitting through these sessions, but fundamentally, you guys are just different people and, honestly, I think you want to go in different directions and you just haven't come to terms with that yet. And it was a really powerful story because one I don't think a lot of people have that level of experience and honesty. This is an old this client's 69 years of age, so they have a lot of wisdom and they've had a lot of experience.

Kevin Palmieri:

But I think that's something that a lot of us don't want to look at. We don't want to look at the fact that maybe the partner you're with right now is not the partner you're supposed to be, no matter how much work you put in, no matter how much effort you put in, no matter how much they support you, no matter how much you grow, whatever, it just might not be right Because there are things underneath the surface that just aren't going to align. If you are diverting, if you're going in different directions and you both want to go in different directions, that relationship most likely is not going to succeed. I think what you'll hear a lot of people say is well, I had really big goals and my partner didn't want to come along for the ride.

Kevin Palmieri:

I think that's a different conversation. I think there's a difference between not wanting to do it at all and going in the opposite direction and coming along for the ride. I think those are two very, very different things and obviously we can dive into that. But I think this is one of those important things that we come to terms with and we admit you can do all the right things, you can do all the work, you can read all the books. That does not guarantee your relationship will be successful, because there are just some people who are not supposed to be together, and all I mean by supposed to be together is there's somebody better out there for you that would meet your needs in a different way, that would support you in a different way, and that different way might be the way that you actually want to be supported and you want to have your needs met.

Alan Lazaros:

We talked about alignment. Was that the last episode? The?

Kevin Palmieri:

last episode was alignment.

Alan Lazaros:

Yes, Okay, alignment is again. The compass is a good metaphor for this. True north, aligned At all times, you and your intimate partner. And again, going off the four years experience, I have coaching couples and then I've also been in four long-term relationships, all two years plus. How old are we, holy crap?

Kevin Palmieri:

well, 75 of those did not succeed, right. So that's a fact and fair. Don't worry about the first three, worry about the last one there's the proof.

Alan Lazaros:

So at all times, kevin and myself, emilia and myself any business, partnership, intimate relationship, any relationship, really, you are either converging, which means you're growing together, you're diverging, you're growing apart, or you're running in parallel, and you don't really run in parallel for very long, and so alignment is the question. I've often used this metaphor before. Imagine Emilia and I and this is a metaphor, so bear with me. We get in the car, we drive across the country. We're actually going to do a road trip at some point.

Alan Lazaros:

I used to be in the car with you.

Kevin Palmieri:

I was the guy.

Alan Lazaros:

This is about intimate relationships. Oh, so I got to use Emilia, so I just fucking walk though A hundred percent by yourself, sir.

Kevin Palmieri:

Fucking walk though 100 by yourself, sir. Somebody pick me up, if you're seeing the side of the road.

Alan Lazaros:

Please scoop me up, don't let me walk. Emily and I were actually going to be taking a road trip in 2025 to either wyoming or colorado or something like that, but anyways, so we get in the car. Let's say we're going to from boston to los angeles. The only reason I say that is because I actually did that and I have some information of the geography. Okay, so we're going from Boston to Los Angeles. Five-day drive. You can stretch it to four if you are hardcore, like we were back in the day. Three routes Northern route, middle route, southern route, all right. Now imagine Emilia and I are going to drive across the country. She loves the warm weather and I want to see the mountains. Core value in conflict, right Now. Let's imagine I want to listen to hardcore rap and she wants to listen to country music. And imagine I can't stand country music. Again, core value in conflict. One more let's say she wants to stop in Wyoming and see an elk.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, just a singular elk, just one, kevin's with me so far Yep, and I don't like elks, I'm scared of them. So she has a goal in conflict. She wants to see an elk. I don't want to. I want to see armadillos out in the desert or whatever.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, again, metaphor here core beliefs, core values, core aspirations in conflict, goals and values. I want to talk about goals and values. Kevin and I have similar goals and we have similar core values. There are certain things that our core values are in conflict and that's why he and I have to work and integrate those, emilia and I.

Alan Lazaros:

She has a core value for adventure. I have a core value for fitness. We both share it a little bit, but I don't care about adventure nearly as much as her. So we have to either go our separate ways, which I absolutely do not want to do, or we have to find a way to integrate some things you just can't integrate. I told Kev early on uh, probably early on 2025. I said, brother, I feel bad, I'm dragging you up this mountain. I need to make sure you want to climb this thing, because mount everest is fucking brutal and I just need to make sure that I feel guilty. I feel guilty that you have to work so goddamn much and you're like nah man but I said for me, this isn't a choice.

Alan Lazaros:

I have to do this with or without you. I want to do it with you, but I need to make sure you want this and everything that comes with it. And so, again, the point here is do you and your intimate partner have goals in conflict or core values in conflict? One of two things needs to happen. Either number one you identify it and then integrate, like Emilia and I have. When that happened, I remember I had a list of 10 values when Emilia and I first met and adventure was on there and kev was like bullshit, bullshit.

Kevin Palmieri:

So we've integrated that one I remember back in the day when I was on the dating apps, everybody liked to hike everybody. That was everybody's hobby was hiking? I don't think so I don't think so.

Alan Lazaros:

it's just one of those things you put. You always put that Well, it's like I've been Everyone's outdoorsy.

Kevin Palmieri:

I've been on hikes yeah, okay, cool, yeah, awesome. I've been to the hospital. That doesn't mean I'm there all the time and I like it yeah, cool. Now there's some people that are hikers. I was never that. I've told this story before and again, this isn't an intimate partner. This is a friend.

Kevin Palmieri:

Eventually it got to a point where I wasn't willing to do the work anymore to keep this person in my life, because I wanted to work on me and I wanted to work on my goals and my dreams, and it felt like that was me building a silo away from this other person and I had to leave that to go visit them. And it was always super hard because this person was the type of person that wanted to support and they always would say well, if you ever need me, you ever need support, I got you. It's like I mean this with all the love in the world. There just isn't that much you can support me with, because we're just go. We're in two very, very different areas of life and we have two very, very different experiences and you have things that I don't and a family that I don't in different ways, and I think the support you needed was in business and success.

Alan Lazaros:

That person isn't going to support you in that way.

Kevin Palmieri:

The support I think I needed was the understanding of the amount of pressure that I was actually under, even though I had no results to show for it. I mean, at that point I remember very vividly you and I went to New Jersey with Isabel Picard to interview Eric Legrand and I remember coming home home and I was like this was the best thing ever. This is amazing. Outside of that, I have nothing to show for anything we're doing and I just remember getting supported. But I could just tell it was like we were kind of speaking different languages and they just didn't understand the language that I was speaking and I wanted to learn this new language more than I wanted to have the other one.

Alan Lazaros:

Was this the situation ship?

Kevin Palmieri:

No, no, this was a friend. Okay, yeah, that's. I mean, we can talk about that, but that was completely different.

Alan Lazaros:

Well, so Kevin and I want to bring this as candidly and as practically as possible. There are past partners, so I've had four long-term relationships. One was four and a half years, one was five years. That one was actually pretty great. One of them was two and a half two we'll call it two and this one has been five and is by far the best, not close. This is the first time where it's yep, 100, 100. This is like the most compatible thing I've ever had, and once you have compatible, you realize how incompatible the previous ones were and I'm very grateful that my trajectory went from decent to really good, to really bad, to ridiculously beyond my wildest dreams good.

Alan Lazaros:

And one of the things that I'll make as clear as possible is Emilia. When I first met her had larger goals than me On her own accord, and that was my prerequisite, and therefore I knew she'd have to be more driven. I knew she'd understand how hard I have to work. I mean I worked till 8 pm or later, all of last week, all of last week, and she has been nothing but supportive. She literally said we're going to the lake this weekend. She said if you don't want to come, I totally understand. You have an event coming up, it's peak week. In the past that shit would have never flown. But she's an achiever, she gets it and so I feel seen, understood, valued and appreciated. Just the other night she said I'm so proud of you, I'm so grateful for how hard you work for us, and she knows what that takes.

Alan Lazaros:

And I never felt that way in the past, where it's like I don't know if anyone really fully understands what this takes unless they're also doing it. And that goes for everything, right, I mean, if you, I remember when I did some plumbing, when our plumbing broke and her father came over and helped. It was fucking terrible and I was like this is fucking brutal. Kudos to the plumbers. Huh, I mean, this is, this is not good, this is not good. I don't. I don't want to do this at all. And it was six hours and it was just nonstop and it's okay. Wow, I okay, wow. I'll never not respect plumbers and what they do. Everything's harder than I think you think, everything. I'm convinced of that.

Alan Lazaros:

And what's my point? My point is is from the outside, looking in ceo, start a company, build it, all that stuff, podcasting. She's a podcaster who's building her own company. So she understands me, she understands what this takes, she, she respects what we do way more than someone off the street because she's she's trying to do it too. It's. It's a lot more than people realize. And again, not making it about me, but for anyone out there watching or listening how seen, understood, valued and appreciated do you feel by your partner and how compatible are you really? Because I can put in very minimal effort and my relationship flourishes. In the past I used to put so much effort in to the point where kevin was like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? At one point and it didn't matter. I could put in level 10 effort and I get no, it didn't make the relationship any better.

Kevin Palmieri:

But it wasn't always what that person valued, and I think that's a big because. So it would be very easy. It actually was, though. Well, they were just a terrible person. If it would be very easy for me to say well, I definitely have to put more work into mine than you do, For sure, For it to flourish, but it makes sense. We're different people and I think that's.

Alan Lazaros:

Taryn's, not an entrepreneur.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, and has different needs. Quality time is higher. I knew that right. I told her yesterday, the day before. I said just FYI, the next week is going to be terrible for me it's gonna be absolutely horrible.

Kevin Palmieri:

I said we, not only are we launching the biggest client ever, but it's peak week for the event. It's gonna be. It's gonna suck pretty bad. And she said what can I do? And I said just give me grace, that's it. I don't need, I don't feel like I really need anything else because it's all in front of me. I can see it all. It's just a matter of I'm going to be in the office a lot and I don't. You know, dinner with pops probably isn't going to happen. It's just going to be one of those weeks. That's cool. That's exactly what I need.

Kevin Palmieri:

I don't necessarily need someone to come with a bunch of solutions. I mean, I can come to you for that. That's one of the things that you and I have, which is wonderful. I think that's just an important piece of it is. I think in the past it would have been way easier for me to say okay, if you're somebody who has a very big goal and you're with somebody who doesn't really care about it, that way, like they're not trying to change the world in a massive way, they're trying to change the world in their way and maybe your ambition is higher, it's going to require you to work more. As long as you can meet in the middle with needs, I think you're okay, but that takes way more work. Yeah, because inherently I can't think my way is the best way, just like the other person can't think their way is the best way, because all that's suggesting is I'm going to move more in that direction and they're going to move more in that direction.

Kevin Palmieri:

I don't think it is.

Alan Lazaros:

If your goals require you to move even more in your direction. That's exactly what that is. So you just told Taryn and this is a really good practical example of hey, this week's going to suck my goals require that? Yes, and if she wasn't okay with that, that would be a goal in conflict.

Kevin Palmieri:

Well, and I feel like it's checking in on again now if every week, if every week was like that, that would be an issue 100%. And if every week was like?

Alan Lazaros:

this with Amelia. It would be an issue too, Right right, but it would take longer for that to be a problem than it would for but at least we know that the quality of time is much lower.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yes, yes, but at least we know that. Again, that's when Tara and I first got together. I said how many weeks out of the month can I travel? And it be okay, and that was one of the questions I asked. And she said I feel like if you were gone one week every month, I feel like that would be okay. Anything more than that, I think, would get pretty rough. I was like, yeah, that's fair. Imagine being away half the month every month. Now things have changed and now everything's virtual, which is great. But the reason I wanted to know what is your requirement for lack of better phrasing, what is your desire for lack of better phrasing? Because I want to make sure that I can actually meet that Well, it's not even desire.

Alan Lazaros:

Desire would be having you home all the time, but what's the minimum?

Kevin Palmieri:

standard. Where's your boundary?

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's your boundary? What's your?

Kevin Palmieri:

boundary. But those conversations can suck because I think a lot of times we're afraid to hear the truth. Luckily I asked it in the beginning, which there was no proof, there was no rapport breaks. It's not like I was away at the time. I asked that pretty early on.

Alan Lazaros:

But yeah, the situationship that you had. How obvious is it to you now that that would never work?

Kevin Palmieri:

Now it's super obvious, but at the time I was trying to get I was lonely as shit and but you knew back then that it wouldn't work long-term right. I wasn't thinking about it long-term. I wasn't thinking about it long-term.

Alan Lazaros:

Is it because, intuitively, you knew it wouldn't work long term?

Kevin Palmieri:

no, it was just. I just am so lonely probably was the best word. So I don't, I'm not even thinking. It's like I'm going to. I know this isn't the right part to fix what's broken, but I'm gonna run it for now and we'll see what happens. There wasn't that much thought. I was not very intentional and I was. I didn't understand this. I was thinking about this the other day. I remember again, I've made a lot of fucking mistakes. I remember this person would be at work and I would go over to their place early because it was like an hour drive. I was like I'll just go over there early and work and I would get high and I'd work. But it was like I thought this was so much different. I thought being an entrepreneur was so much different. Being a business owner was was so much different so get high and work.

Alan Lazaros:

What did that mean?

Kevin Palmieri:

I did. I mean, I can work pretty well when I'm high honestly Not like the best because it's easy to miss stuff, but I get pretty focused depending on what level of high Isn't?

Kevin Palmieri:

there a certain type too that helps you focus. There's what sativa and I don't know. I don't know nearly as much about weed as people would probably think, but I think even at the time I knew a good amount about relationships, but I also knew that I didn't know enough and I also most likely was not going to make that work. That was the hard part is, I knew pretty quickly it wasn't going to work. I communicated that very quickly and then this person wanted to continue spending time together Because, again, in the most mature way to express possible, we were both getting our needs met. That's what we were looking for. So I don't think I was Under any delusion that it was going to be a long term thing. I just Hung on Because I was trying to get my needs met. Yeah, next level nation. We are very, very excited to announce that we are doing our first purely virtual next level live. On April 5th 2025, from 10 am to 4 pm eastern standard time, alan and myself will be live streaming from Worcester, massachusetts. Next level live 2025.

Alan Lazaros:

be there, it's only $47. Live streaming from Worcester, massachusetts, next Level, live 2025. Be there, it's only $47 for a full day of personal development, self-improvement, holistic health, wealth, life and love.

Kevin Palmieri:

We have a global audience. Obviously, if you live somewhere else in the world, it's hard to come across the country or across the world for a one-day event, so we wanted to make sure it was accessible to everyone.

Alan Lazaros:

You're not going to get to the next level of your life by default. You're going to get there by design. Join us, design that next level the best way that I can describe this. I try to do this with certain clients that are asking me about relationships and then also people that I've coached. We do a hybrid model where we coach the couple and then we also coach the man, coaches the man. So I'm coaching the male and then she's coaching the female, and we've never had that with a same sex couple yet. But I would sit the man down, man to man, and talk about it and say you know, is this what you expected? Tell me the, tell me the stuff, what's going on. And what I would try to articulate is in the past I felt like I always had to make it work. With Emilia it already works, just don't fuck it up. That's the best way I can articulate it. That that relationship that I would consider very not good in the past, keep it anonymous.

Alan Lazaros:

It was always what do I have to do? What do I have to do? What do I have to do? What do I have to do? How can I make it work? How can I make it work? How can I make it work? We can make it work. Yeah, we can make it work. I don't know we can make it work. It was so much fucking effort to make it work, and then I would work on myself, work on myself, work on myself, and then it would actually get worse, not better, and I was like what the hell is going on here? And eventually I realized, oh, maybe it's not me, maybe this is just an incompatible relationship. So I used to try to make it work all the time, and now with Emilia, ever since I met her for five years, it already works.

Kevin Palmieri:

Just don't fuck it up how much years it already works. Just don't fuck it up how much.

Alan Lazaros:

How much should you?

Kevin Palmieri:

have to make it work like what's the level? That's a great question.

Alan Lazaros:

Again, I don't think your way is the normal agreed right, and I think it's in between those two that I'm glad that we are having that conversation, because I actually think that if there is inherent alignment, you're not going to have to constantly grind your face off to make the relationship work. It should feel somewhat natural Somewhat Now. You still have to work on yourself and you still have to treat your partner well, and you still have to show up on time and you still have to be available. She asked me recently. She texted me. She said hey, my parents are creating a new home gym. They need help moving the equipment. It's in June. I was like she's like you don't have to do it, but I'm going to go there and help them and all this stuff, of course, yeah, let's do it.

Alan Lazaros:

Okay, it's going to be probably three or four hours of my time. You have to put in effort, but it shouldn't feel like a fucking grind. And in the past, with that relationship, it felt like a fucking grind. It felt like I this is the best way I can describe it I felt like I had to be different than who I really am in order to make it work, rather than logistics?

Kevin Palmieri:

Well, it's, it's. Are you going to do a check-in and get some low scores occasionally, yes, lower than desired scores and all I mean by a check-in is one day a week. You sit down with your partner and essentially you can do it however you want, but it's how well are you getting your needs met? I'll just say that On a scale of 0 to 10,. How well are you getting your needs met? Cool, let's have an opportunity for proactive feedback and proactive building together. Awesome, not saying every week it's going to be tens across the board, right, not saying every week it's going to be tens across the board, but also, if every week it's a knock-down, drag-out fight, that probably ain't it either that there is construction, there is growth, there is opportunity, there is resistance, there's working through stuff.

Alan Lazaros:

Yes, just like everything else. Do you have any past relationships that are so obviously incompatible in hindsight? Because I do for sure.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, one. I've told this story before. Again. I have been an idiot in the past. In high school I was dating someone that I was in a very, very long-term, very serious relationship with and they had some a lot of shit happened to them and they ended up living with us because it was just a whole thing and they were talking about marriage one day and I made a joke of how I was never going to get married and my grandmother told me after she said that's the day I knew you guys were going to break up and I was like what do you mean? And she said that person deeply wants to get married and have a family and you just didn't. And I was like, oh okay, that person is now married with three kids or four kids that. Imagine if I had four kids, three kids right now. None of this would work. So that was fundamentally misaligned. Great person, great person, very, very, very good.

Alan Lazaros:

Just a good human being that I. We have a good relationship to this day, but that was never going to work. No, that was never going to work. Yeah Well, goal in conflict, core value in conflict.

Kevin Palmieri:

And I was an idiot. I mean, I was what I don't know 19 years old or I didn't know what the hell I was saying. I didn't understand the impact of saying that.

Alan Lazaros:

I had an ex-partner of mine. We were together four and a half years and she always did too. She wanted to have kids, she wanted to start a family, and I was always playing a very long-term view, very long-term view, very long-term view. I mean, emilia and I are still talking about having children together. We're going to start a family, and she's 30 and I'm 36. So it's we're very statistically late, but that's all on purpose, it's all by design, and she always wanted to have kids way later too. So this is, this is by design, but anyways. So this person wanted to have kids ASAP, rocky, and they wanted to. They, they do now. They have multiple children, they're married, they have a little house and all she ever wanted was that.

Alan Lazaros:

And I remember when I found all that out cause I had reconnected with her years later and I remember thinking good for you, that was your dream and also there's no way you were going to get me to do that.

Alan Lazaros:

Can you imagine on this entrepreneurial ride? No fucking chance. And again, I'm not trying to be unkind, but there's no way I was going to be able to do that Right, same, and I wish that I had known when I was younger. Just tell her that I wish I mean it must have been obvious. I mean I was literally talking in my teens and 20s about how my career won't even start till I'm 50. She must have had some red flags going right. I mean I'm this weird, esoteric, long-term guy who I don't know, I guess.

Kevin Palmieri:

I think we're oftentimes willing to look around the red flags if the green ones are big enough.

Alan Lazaros:

Well, we definitely were in love, that's for sure. We definitely came from a similar background. We definitely, you know, we were definitely in love. But love's not enough there's. I'm grateful that that worked the way that it did, because her lifestyle right now is nothing conducive to what I'm doing right now and the whole meant to be thing. I don't think that was meant to be. And I don't mean meant to be spiritually necessarily, I mean meant to be in terms of compatibility, of who we really are. I know we got to jump soon, but I want to share this. In the early self-improvement personal development days, I used to think oh okay, I'm going to try to be different, I'm an extrovert. Oh okay, I'm gonna try to be different, I'm an extrovert, I'm gonna try to be introverted. Okay, I'm an introvert, I'm gonna try to be extroverted. You did the same shit.

Alan Lazaros:

Of course you're like, oh, I'm gonna go try to be extroverted, and that is a terrible fucking idea now, the truth of the matter is is you can try to be an introvert who learns how to talk to people, but you, you're never going to change your essence, and I think that that's one thing that I've come to, coaching as many people as I have You're not going to change your essence. You know how people say people don't change. Well, you can transform and you can evolve and you can grow and you can change a fucking a lot, but you're never going to change your essence. You're not going to change your essence. I'm never. Can you imagine me coming to you being like you know, kev, I was really thinking about taking the summer off.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, but you're not a good example but?

Alan Lazaros:

but some people would love to take the summer off. That's their essence.

Kevin Palmieri:

Well, I know, I know, but yeah, but even like we can look at athletes that were really in shape and really famous, Like they let it go after.

Alan Lazaros:

But that means, it wasn't maybe their essence?

Kevin Palmieri:

Well, if it's not their essence, how are they so freaking good at what they did?

Alan Lazaros:

Because they're still achieving.

Kevin Palmieri:

Those people that you're referring to. He's still an achiever.

Alan Lazaros:

He's still achieving. Well, right now he's achieving the only billionaire basketball player. That's fair, he's still just as competitive, michael. He's still just as competitive, michael, just in the wrong way. I don't think people's essence changes. That's fair. You've always been hardworking. You've always been funny. I have not.

Kevin Palmieri:

I have not always been hardworking.

Alan Lazaros:

Compared to the statistical norm.

Kevin Palmieri:

Dude, I'm no, no, I've been lazy for sure.

Alan Lazaros:

Okay, good, candid conversation. I always felt like I had to change who I was to succeed in relationships. I feel like you felt like you had to change who you were to succeed.

Kevin Palmieri:

But aren't you?

Alan Lazaros:

realizing over time that you actually get to be more you than you realized.

Kevin Palmieri:

Well, you have to. You have to sharpen. You have to either sharpen up the dull edges or dull out the sharp edges. You have to work on yourself. It's not necessarily becoming somebody completely different, it's just trying to figure out the weaknesses that are holding you back and then working on those. But yeah, I mean now. Yes, but in the beginning it was essentially it felt like I was changing completely from somebody who wasn't organized and had to become organized. And then that journey has has now it's eight years in. It's like I'm way more organized than I used to be, but you don't, you're still you're still comfortable in chaos and kind of a mess.

Alan Lazaros:

Isn't that resonating the essence thing? You don't. You didn't have to change your essence, don't get me wrong. You, you did for a time, and so did I. But I feel like we're still in alignment with our essence. I don't know, maybe essence is the wrong word. What would you call it?

Kevin Palmieri:

There's a show called Eastbound and Down, and he goes back and sees one of his old crushes and when he's hugging her he says do you recognize my essence? It's funny, it's very funny. What would I call it? Yeah it. What would I call it? Yeah?

Alan Lazaros:

It's called a natural inclination, or your essence, or your true self, whatever you'd call it.

Kevin Palmieri:

I don't know if I'd have a good label. Probably true self.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri:

Do you feel like you've had to change your true self?

Alan Lazaros:

I feel like I've had to sacrifice many things that I thought my true self wanted, but in hindsight he wanted it. How do you know that's not? How do you know that's my true self wanted, but in hindsight he wanted it? How do you know that's not? How do you know that's your true self versus just a lesser, mature kevin?

Kevin Palmieri:

I don't.

Alan Lazaros:

That's the billion dollar question because you didn't want to get married back then. But you got married yeah, I got married, I'm married I'll never forget when I asked you how do you know taryn? Because I remember thinking I could see it different, and you went back to her. There's a whole backstory to this kevin and taryn dated and then I fucked, kevin fucked it up.

Alan Lazaros:

I've done some stupid things, you know yeah, went off and then you guys reconnected after she had broken up with a partner and I could tell something was different. And this is when we were single as pringles and I asked you like how do you know? Because I was curious, like how do you know? And you said I don't know, it's a feeling what are you talking about?

Kevin Palmieri:

she understands me is what I said.

Alan Lazaros:

I was going and you said it was a feeling she understands me.

Kevin Palmieri:

I was going through a time where, again, just lonely as hell and I was like getting ready to give up on just pursuing love, it was like, whatever I'll, I'll just do this and eventually something will happen. And I remember I was talking to two of my buddies and I was like I don't know what the freak I'm going to do. I'm talking to a lot of people and I just don't feel like they understand me and I don't feel like they support what I'm doing. And I think they think the podcast is cute. When it's like I'm really putting a lot of effort into this and it's really deeply meaningful to Alan and I, they don't respect you. They don't yeah, put some respect on my name.

Kevin Palmieri:

I said you know who would get me? Tyra would get me she. She was deeper than I was when we first met. I couldn't hang. She was in a relationship. I was like, well, that's not gonna work. And then eventually, however many months or years later I don't know how long it was I saw that she was single one day and then I reached out what if?

Alan Lazaros:

what if she is the yin to your yang when it comes to your essence? Like that's what I've, and again after coaching for that many years. I feel like some. I feel like. She's the safe spot.

Kevin Palmieri:

For me, she's the warm spot, like at the end of the day. I don't need to be hyper-focused on growth anymore. You know, I don't necessarily, but here's the thing If she values deep conversations, she's not getting them as much as I am, because this is what I do for a living. That's something that we have to work on, exactly Right. So I think, at the end of the day, tori Aletto the wonderful Tori Aletto, who we had in this podcast many times said relationships are about growth, relationships are about growth. Relationships are about growth and as long as you're growing intentionally in a similar direction, I think there's definitely possibility, there's opportunity. You can work on stuff If you're growing apart and you want to be growing in that direction. I think that is the sign that this probably and I don't even think it's that sad I'm not. This isn't like a oh, you should be super sad. I'm glad that person got married young and had kids young.

Alan Lazaros:

Good for them, good for them.

Kevin Palmieri:

I am so happy for them.

Alan Lazaros:

But it was sad at the time, wasn't it? When it had to go its separate ways. Oh, yeah, of course.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, of course, Of course, yeah, of course, and I think it always will be. But maybe in five years you realize oh shit, that was the right thing for both of us. And if you could say that you've made the right choice.

Alan Lazaros:

Now, if you mess it up.

Kevin Palmieri:

That's a lesson.

Alan Lazaros:

How does someone know whether they're screwing it up or they're just incompatible? Because you easily could say, oh well, we're not compatible. Well, you probably could have worked on that.

Kevin Palmieri:

Who are you willing to do the work with? Is one I'm willing to do all the work with, taryn I don't. I will do all the work, all of it, as long as it doesn't take away from this.

Alan Lazaros:

Right and I don't, it's not going to Well, there's the worth it factor.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, it's, I'll do the work, I work, I want to do the work. She's the person I want to do the work with. There's been other people. I just I don't. Yeah, you're not the person I want to do the work with. I think that's a big piece of it. I think that's a really big piece of it. Outside of that, I don't know if there's an answer.

Alan Lazaros:

All right. Well, so alignment, couples, goals in conflict, core values in conflict? I guess the question would be my next, next level lesson would be ask yourself is this something that I want to make work? Is this something that I can make work? Is this something that is going to be worth it to make work? Because I remember for me, when I had ended my last relationship, I was asked on the drive home like really, you guys are great together. And I remember thinking, yeah, maybe compared to you guys.

Kevin Palmieri:

What movie were you?

Alan Lazaros:

watching. Yeah, exactly, and honestly, we were compared to what she's in. But the person asking I said when I knew it was or not, and when it came to being in this relationship or my dreams, I had to choose. I felt like I had to choose between my dreams and my relationship and I knew my fucking answer and it was my dreams. And with Amelia it's not. It's, I don't have to choose, they're the same. She is my dream and it's in alignment. And, yes, I have to work on myself and be the best partner I can be, but I don't have to change who the fuck I am. If anything, here's the last thing I'll say Do you have to change who you are or do you just have to become a better version of who you are? In the past, I felt like I had to change who I was. Now I just have to be a better and better and better version of who I already am and who I aspire to be.

Kevin Palmieri:

I think it's a really good ending, for sure. And then I could ask you well, what's the difference between change and improvement? We won't do that right now, but that's an interesting conversation. What's the difference between improving yourself and changing yourself? We'll do that at a later date. Next Level Nation. April 15th 2025, is Next Level Live. It's our first totally virtual live event. So we've done many events. I think this is the eighth year in a row we've had some sort of event. This is the first one that's totally virtual, because we want to make sure that, no matter where you are in the world, you can tune in. Tickets are only $47. This is an all-day event, but you can pop in and out. So if you buy a ticket, you get access to the replay. That means you don't have to stay for the whole time and you can kind of come and go as you please. That's really why we want to have a replay in the first place. So link will be in the show notes. The website has all the information. Questions, comments, concerns Let us know.

Alan Lazaros:

And if anyone needs help, the difference between Relationship Talks Coaching and Relationship Counseling is that Relations talks coaching is about how to build your goals and dreams together, how to grow together, not apart, and we've. We not only help couple couples flourish, but we also help them build their future. I mean we've talked finance, we've talked how to buy a house. I mean we've gone through the whole thing. It's it's coaching. It's more about goals and dreams and building together and realigning your goals and dreams together than it is just about fixing the relationship. So it's really powerful. We've been doing it for four years and we've got some couples that have really transformed their entire life and, yes, some couples that decided to go their separate ways too. Well, I think that's again.

Kevin Palmieri:

I think a good coach helps you find alignment and realize when you're not in alignment. Sometimes, when you're not in alignment, you're not supposed to realign the way that you thought you were supposed to. All right, friends, as always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you. Nlu, we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan Lazaros:

Keep it next level, next Level Nation.

Kevin Palmieri:

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next.

Alan Lazaros:

Level family. We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes. Thank, you.

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Alan Lazaros

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Kevin Palmieri

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