Next Level University
Confidence, mindset, relationships, limiting beliefs, family, goals, consistency, self-worth, and success are at the core of hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros' heart-driven, no-nonsense approach to holistic self-improvement. This transformative, 7 day per week podcast is focused on helping dream chasers who have been struggling to achieve their goals and are seeking community, consistency and answers. If you've ever asked yourself "How do I get to the next level in my life", we're here for you!
Our goal at NLU is to help you uncover the habits to build unshakable confidence, cultivate a powerful mindset, nurture meaningful relationships, overcome limiting beliefs, create an amazing family life, set and achieve transformative goals, embrace consistency, recognize your self-worth, and ultimately create the fulfillment and success you desire. Let's level up your health, wealth and love!
Next Level University
What Does Love ACTUALLY Mean To You? (2043)
Defining love is more important than most people realize. In this episode, Kevin and Alan share how their understanding of love has evolved—from trauma bonds and chasing significance to building healthy, growth-oriented relationships grounded in safety and support. Through honest stories and thought-provoking questions, they invite you to reflect on your own definition of love—because clarity can transform your relationships forever.
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NLU is not just a podcast; it’s a gateway to a wealth of resources designed to help you achieve your goals and dreams. From our Next Level Dreamliner to our Group Coaching, we offer a variety of tools and communities to support your personal development journey.
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Show notes:
(2:02) From attention-seeking to self-worth
(4:10) Wanting to be chased
(5:02) Trauma bonds and early love
(7:14) Shifting personal paradigms
(10:08) Love as growth and vision
(13:29) At NLU, your success matters. Join our Monthly Meet-up—first Thursdays at 5 PM! https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
(14:24) Safety, warmth, and acceptance
(16:01) From needing love to choosing it
(22:44) How clarity creates connection
(24:15) Want Vs. need in relationships
(25:05) Outro
One of the hardest truths ever, at least in my opinion, is if you don't know what love means to you, you most likely will go your entire life chasing love and, unfortunately, you may never end up actually finding it.
Alan Lazaros:Clarity is a superpower. Emilia and I did a Relationship Talks free virtual event last night two nights ago, while you're listening to this, and there was a slide that said love is blank. The slide also said quality time means blank, and it was important for me to see how hard it is for us to define what love means to us.
Kevin Palmieri:Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri.
Alan Lazaros:And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.
Kevin Palmieri:At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.
Alan Lazaros:Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life love health and wealth.
Kevin Palmieri:We bring you a new episode every single day, on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.
Alan Lazaros:Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.
Kevin Palmieri:Welcome to next level university, next level nation. Today, for episode number 2043, what does love actually mean to you? Yes, we're doing two love episodes back to back. This may come as a surprise to you, alan lazarus. Surprise to you, alan Lazarus. I used to be super, super, super, super needy.
Alan Lazaros:Excuse me, that's Aaron.
Kevin Palmieri:Lazarus. Aaron Lazarus Alan received an email and it said I would like to introduce you to Aaron Lazarus. So that's what we're Jeff Aaron Alan. He will reply to all those.
Kevin Palmieri:I think back to a time where I was so scarce, I was so afraid of being alone because I didn't love myself at all, that I thought love was attention. I thought love was proximity. I thought love was probably those two things. I think back to when I would have a partner and I could not spend a day without them. I just it was like how is that even a thing? Like how could I even exist without this person around me? And obviously, going back to the Red Flags episode, that's a huge, huge, huge red flag flag. Now I would probably say it's, I think it's probably support.
Kevin Palmieri:I think that's what love means to me support. I I tell taryn all the time she's like hey, I, uh, I'm gonna go out with a friend or whatever. It's like, babe, you could go out every night, you're fine, I don't. You're good, you do your, you do your thing, I'm good, I'm centered, I'm grounded, you, you do your thing. I'll be here when you get home. But I don't really need a ton of attention, I just like support when needed, and I think that's there's something about that. I used to want people to save me. I think that's what I used to want. I used to want somebody to be able to save me. Now I don't really. I just want somebody to support me and somebody to listen, and then that's a whole different conversation.
Alan Lazaros:What does support mean from what?
Kevin Palmieri:probably myself. Yeah, probably myself. If, if I could find someone that loved me, that must mean that all the things that I think that are wrong with me aren't wrong with me. I think it was probably that, more than anything.
Alan Lazaros:Yeah.
Kevin Palmieri:Deep. I remember when I used to, we used to go. So Alan and I grew up in the same town. There was this place called the town park and we used to party up there. I never partied with Alan up there, I don't think, at least not knowingly at the same time. Who knows, might've been some ragers going on. I don't think so, no, knowingly at the same time who knows, might've been some ragers going on.
Alan Lazaros:I don't think so. No, I happened at my place. Yeah, they did. I was never invited to those.
Kevin Palmieri:I used to run away from my friends cause I wanted someone to come after me. That was like a thing, and I never connected the dots till later in life. It was like, why did I always run away? And I would be so sad when nobody came to find me. Like that was that, was it? So I think I just I wanted somebody who would just be around me. I wanted somebody who for me, I think, attention and caring was what I would have defined love as. What would old Alan define love as Going deep today.
Alan Lazaros:Yeah, yeah, yeah, these are different than what we've been doing lately. Talk about the Fortune 500. The Fortune 500, yes, fortune, beardness, beardness, the. I was on a podcast recently where we talked about it was healed men.
Alan Lazaros:It was about healed men, men with therapists, men who do the inner work, love that he had said he had asked a question about me in the past and all this kind of stuff, and way back I don't know what I would have defined love as back then, my first girlfriend, my first serious girlfriend. We were together for four and a half years, off and on. And for anyone out there who is listening, some of you may be from college I've been speaking at a college recently. Wpi, I don't recommend being and again, this depends on the person. Obviously, if I could go back in time, I would try my best to communicate to younger Alan hey, you're going to college, she's not. She's two years younger than you, three years younger than you, and three years back then is a big deal. Three years now isn't as big of a deal, obviously because of the exponential curve of learning and maturity. Emilia is six years younger than me, she's 30, and I'm 36. And she's more mature at 30 than I was at 30. So I can barely tell. Only every now and then, with certain references, can I tell oh yeah, that's right, you didn't have no internet, um, but anyways. So I would say, alan, it's probably a mistake for you to try to make this relationship work in college. I really think you should go explore and learn yourself and learn about people and learn different cultures and international, different ethnicities. You need to go be free and you need to go learn and expand. And so what did love mean to me back then? We were trauma bonded. What do I mean by that? We both had very high what's called ace scores adverse childhood experiences and what love meant to me back then was probably probably physical touch. It was very sexual and it was very my paradigm back then. So for those of you who don't know what paradigm means paradigm is is your unconscious belief about what life is about.
Alan Lazaros:My paradigm back then was achievement, first and foremost, always still kind of is in many ways, and the ones that are not anymore is friends and fun. So it was achievement, friends and fun. So naturally I had a ton of friends, I had a ton of fun and I achieved a lot, hence all my awards in the background, many awards, but anyways. So when I got in my car accident at 26, my paradigm changed and I realized that the paradigm that I grew up in was friends and fun. Achievement was true to me, still is, always will be. We talked about that on the last episode Work, ethic, work, ethic, work, ethic, work, ethic, work, ethic, work, ethic Forever, achievement forever.
Alan Lazaros:But the friends and fun thing was never true to me. That was what I grew up in. My mom and stepdad loved to party and I'm talking party and some of that was awesome and some of that was fucking terrible. But my first girlfriend had a family with the similar paradigm and so we had that paradigm together. It was about friends and fun and we partied together and physical touch, so we had a very good sexual relationship. We were very attracted to each other. It was about friends and fun and we partied together and physical touch, so we had a very good sexual relationship. We were very attracted to each other.
Alan Lazaros:And I think that in hindsight and again, this is me speaking from only my perspective and I've since actually reconnected in my mid twenties with this person and just reflecting late twenties actually and I think that she saw me as an opportunity to achieve more, because she saw that I was an achiever and that I was very bright and smart and all that.
Alan Lazaros:And I think on some level that's. What she always wanted was someone who could take her out of the environment she grew up in, which was not good, and I think I saw in her she was extremely attractive. All the guys wanted her and we had a very good sexual relationship and she was a lot of fun and we had a lot of fun together and I think that that's what love meant to me back then is someone who needed me and someone that I needed and, I think, being desired and being needed. After 26, my paradigm shifted and what love means to me now is building toward a bigger, better, brighter future. That is I playfully joke with Kev behind the scenes Like have you ever had a conversation with me that wasn't about personal development or goals or dreams or building toward a bigger, better, brighter future?
Kevin Palmieri:When we used to record late night and watch Friends, we would get McDonald's and watch Friends. So yeah, a couple of times we've had conversations that weren't about growth.
Alan Lazaros:Yeah, and most likely it was about movies or, potentially, friends, which was, by the way, one of my favorite shows was friends. Back in the day, because of my paradigm of friends, I had friends of friends, high school friends, college friends, corporate friends. I brought my high school friends to college, my college friends to corporate and I did the traditional path preschool, kindergarten, middle school, high school, college, corporate and then I got in a car accident and that changed everything for me. But what love means to me now is building toward a bigger, better, brighter future and being the change I wish to see in the world. That is my love language to a T and Emilia and I. We just did an episode on the Conscious Couples podcast about this and I asked her what love means to her. This was the relationship talks event we were on and hers is growth. Growth equals love. The one thing about Emilia that never changes is that she's always evolving. That's why her company is called Evolve Ventures and she and I now our paradigm is achievement build. I mean she and I have conversations now about our unborn children Regularly, regularly. She asked me last night what are you going to do as a father when our kids are having an emotional experience and most kids aren't used to seeing men cry and have emotions, and I'll provide a little context and then I'll pass it to you.
Alan Lazaros:One of my clients sent me a clip of a comedian named Bilber and she's a therapist, and one of her clients sent it to her and it's a really funny excerpt. It's eight minutes and it's really hilarious because he's basically poking fun at the fact that there's two modes men are allowed to have Angry or fine, and how everything in between, and how most men are just deeply sad and they're not allowed to say it or whatever, because then they get made fun of by other guys and he's playfully joking about it and he's playfully joking about it. But it's also really depressing because the the statistics, from my current understanding, is that middle-aged men are the most likely to commit suicide, and I think the reason why is these quarter-life crisis moments that you and I had young. You realize you wake up and realize that you've never dealt with your trauma, never dealt with your shit, because men are taught to just fucking bury it and not have a diary and not have emotions, and obviously you and I have, uh, broken that cycle.
Alan Lazaros:Considering we cry often although I'm due for one Same. I spent my entire 13 years no, 11 years with my stepdad. Never once saw him cry. My mom never saw him cry, except for once at his mother's funeral, and so this is just a thing. It's men aren't supposed to my point of this episode. What love means to you is very important to figure out, because there's implications that ripple into your life way beyond your intimate relationship. Nlu, listener, what is happening? I just wanted to jump in here and let you know if you want to get to the next level faster. We have a free virtual monthly meetup at the first Thursday of every month. You can connect with like-minded people and become a bigger part of this amazing global community. The link to register will be in the show notes.
Kevin Palmieri:I think, if it's the thing that jumped off the page when you were talking, is when love equates to significance. It can be used against you, and I think it can be used against you in a lot of different ways. But the other thing that jumps off the page for me is safety. Love is safety for me. That's well. What's safety for you? What's safety certainty?
Alan Lazaros:okay, what's what creates certainty?
Kevin Palmieri:I think it's like the you don't, it's obviously, it's a fine line. It's like you don't have to be. You don't have to be anything more than you are currently in terms of like, if you had a rough day, it's okay. It's okay to have a rough day, like you're safe here, you're good. You're good. You're going to have imperfect moments and we'll figure them out together. I think that's what safety means to me. I've had a lot of people ask didn't you want to be married to an entrepreneur?
Alan Lazaros:Fuck, no, god no.
Kevin Palmieri:No, no, no. I'm out here fighting the good fight every day. I want to. I don't want, want to turn it. I don't mean turn it off, but I, I want to go home where it's warm, like I feel like I'm out fighting the fight in winter every day. I want to go. I want to go where it's warm. That's, that's what love is to me. It's warmth, it's safety, it's nourishment, because out here when we're doing business and business we're doing business a little behind the scenes.
Alan Lazaros:Alan and kev sorry, a little behind the scenes aaron and kev it's, it's brutal out here, like the last.
Kevin Palmieri:You work a 16, 17, 18 hour day. I want to. I want to go to warmth. I want to go to safety. I want to go to warmth. I want to go to safety. I want to go to my warm spot and I think that's what love is it used to be. What's the word I'm looking for?
Alan Lazaros:Oh, I can't think of it. Let's have an honest conversation.
Kevin Palmieri:Sure you and me real quick.
Alan Lazaros:Okay, young men want to be with the hottest girl.
Kevin Palmieri:Yeah, that's a thing I think most men want to be with the hottest girl yeah, and it's unfortunate because the dynamic that happens there and again I get it.
Alan Lazaros:Like I'm not making it wrong, like I'm grateful, emilia's, I get immature. Okay, immature human beings tend to cling to significance. Statistically Okay, don't villainize me for this, this is just statistically speaking. And if you look at the statistics and you research shame and you research all this stuff, what you find is that women's number one form of shame is body image. Two guesses why, when the whole world is valuing only that, especially in your early formative teenage years? And for men it's financial. So a man that is unsuccessful is a fucking loser, apparently, and that's just a cultural thing. And I think there's also biological roots and evolutionary roots, like I get it, hunters and all that. What I think is important is just to understand all this. I'm not trying to make it right, wrong or indifferent. What I am saying is what does love mean to you? I think when we were younger, kev, love meant the hottest girl.
Kevin Palmieri:Significance, yeah, when we were younger, kev love meant the hottest girl significance, yeah, and, and honestly I don't know if I even loved those people. I don't think I did. I mean, what is? That's always a weird thing, like when does it go? When does it go from I like you to I love you? What does that even mean? You know what's the definition of that and I think that's I don't know. I don't know if I ever loved anybody before. Tarot. I have a next level lesson.
Alan Lazaros:That's what. Do you get something, by the way? I think it's just glance over that.
Kevin Palmieri:No, no, you're good I think that's, I think it's true, I think it's true well, well, but then there's levels it's like know you, like you, trust you, love you.
Alan Lazaros:It's this whole thing, I'm not.
Kevin Palmieri:I'm not with Taryn because I feel like she is going to give me something that I don't have. It's like I'm not. It's different. It's different. Every other relationship it was like what can I get? Like what am I going to get here? It's not like that. I don't that's. I think that's different. It's different now.
Alan Lazaros:I think that's different. It's different now the metaphor that I use for this, and again, it's not something that I usually talk about. I don't know you anymore because I'm always talking about relationships on CCP but I think that in early life, particularly in high school, when you're a fucking loser like I was it's significance based, like I was it's significance based it's you feel so insignificant and you feel you feel like you need significance. So you're, you're clinging to that, so who can be the strongest or who can be the smartest or who can be the best at sports. And anytime you show a lick of emotion, your buddies are like oh you're, you're fucking insert toxic word here and anytime you.
Alan Lazaros:I remember when I was in track and field I had shin splints because I grew like a foot a single year. So from sophomore year in high school to junior year, I basically grew a foot. I went from like five two to six, two it's crazy wild growth growth spurt. Finally hit puberty kind of. And my, all my friends said I had baby syndrome because I, my shin splints were so bad that I would take track off. And they, they said I had baby syndrome because I, my shin splints were so bad that I would take track off. And they, they said, I had baby syndrome. They all, they all laugh very creative.
Alan Lazaros:That's a very creative day for sure, and and that's just what guys do, and and so instead of saying hey, that's kind of mean and you're being a asshole, you just bury it and say, one fucking day, you know, one day, I'll show you baby syndrome, motherfucker, right. And then you just get really driven and you get straight a's and maybe go to college it's not turned up the swearing.
Kevin Palmieri:We've turned up the swearing here a lot lately. Got Got to every now and then.
Alan Lazaros:So what I've come to understand is that when you're younger, you're needy. You're finding a way to meet your needs. You don't know how to meet your needs. You don't even know who you are yet, and so the relationship meets your needs and then you become a whole adult who matures, hopefully and improves themselves. I don't think true love is I need you I think that's romantic and I think that's dramatized in Hollywood and I think I need you. I can't you complete me all that stuff. I think what is actually more accurate is the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, meaning I am a complete man and Emilia is a complete woman, and we are better together than we are apart and we don't need each other, but we do want each other.
Alan Lazaros:In the past, I was in a relationship out of need. I'm not in a relationship out of need anymore. I'm in a relationship out of need anymore. I'm in a relationship out of want. I don't need to spend every day with Emilia. I fucking want to, whereas in the past there were times where I felt like it was more need-based than actually want, and I think that true abundance is not. I need Kevin, I need Emilia. I need Kevin to be a certain way. No, it's. I want to business partners with kevin and I want to be married to emilia, and that's where we're headed. I I know I speak in the future as if it's already, but that we've already talked about. The point is, if you're still in that needy place and your relationship is out of that scarce sort of oxygen, leaving the room, that can be really detrimental long term. Ever think like what if oxygen is stopped being? I think about that all the time. That would not interstellar man, they, the oxygen was going and they had to leave the earth.
Alan Lazaros:Have you seen interstellar? No, probably not. Oh, my goodness man, I mean, I'm joking. I'm not trying to judge you, I just know you can judge me for my christopher nolan interstellar, I mean tit Titanic's the best movie ever made.
Kevin Palmieri:Interstellar is world-class. Titanic's the best movie ever made. Titanic's world-class as well. Yeah, it's a great movie. Well, this is this would be my next level lesson to your point. I think growing up, most of us would identify sorry, not identify define love as our deepest desire, slash the thing that we didn't have, that we needed the most. I think the goal is to evolve that and I think when we get stuck behind or we don't evolve and we don't grow and we don't do the inner work, that stays what we think we want forever, and I don't think that's necessarily true.
Alan Lazaros:I don't know, sometimes you have to get it to realize that, ain't it, of course? Well?
Kevin Palmieri:it's a band-aid yeah, cool, okay, when you're with that person, everything is whole, but when you're not with that person, that's not sustainable. No, that's not sustainable at all. So, going back to the previous episode, that's a red flag. So so I would say, if you don't know what love means to you, maybe a place to start is what did you feel like you needed the most? And maybe that will be a string that you could pull and you'll get some answers from there. Because, at the end of the day, going back to alan's very beginning, the opening of this clarity is such an important component. It's such an important component. That's why grow, jumping from one relationship to another relationship, to another relationship, is so dangerous, because you don't give yourself time to learn the lessons that you would have learned if you just sat by yourself for a while. And who knows, there's a, there's a ton of lessons. So that would be my next level lesson. What is yours, sir?
Kevin Palmieri:yeah, we'll get you out of here because I can tell you how to pee yeah, I do.
Alan Lazaros:Thank you for that. The I want everyone thinking about themselves. But I had a breakthrough when Kevin was talking, which was when I was in high school and I met that first girlfriend. I needed someone who understood my trauma, who had been through really hard times too, but that wasn't what I wanted. What I wanted was someone with huge goals and dreams who was going to, through their own example, help me grow, and it's been a hell of a journey.
Alan Lazaros:So, yeah, it's interesting. So who you start with isn't always what who you end with, and that doesn't mean for those of you who did meet your partner in high school or whatever it is you can grow together. You can grow together. You're either growing together or your part, and that's what we do over at Conscious Couples Podcast. So my next level lesson is the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. If you have the right person and it's out of want and not just need, it doesn't mean you can't have some needs. It doesn't mean you can't meet each other's needs. It just can't be the only way you meet each other's needs no-transcript.
Kevin Palmieri:Grateful for each and every one of you and NLU. We do not have fans, we have family.
Alan Lazaros:We will talk to you all tomorrow, keep it Next Level, next Level Nation.
Kevin Palmieri:Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.
Alan Lazaros:We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.
Kevin Palmieri:Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.
