Next Level University

A Losing Game When It Comes To Relationships… (2064)

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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You can't grow for them, they have to want it. In today’s powerful episode, Kevin and Alan explore the quiet ache of believing in someone’s potential before they do. This conversation is a tender reminder that love, leadership, and growth can’t be forced. Let this message bring peace to your process.

Learn more about:
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
Next Level Book Club - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-book-club/

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Free 30-minute Business Breakthrough Session with Alan -
https://calendly.com/alanlazaros/30-minute-free-breakthrough-session?month=2025-04
Free 30-Minute Podcast Breakthrough Session with Kevin -
https://calendly.com/kevinpalmieri/free-30-minute-podcast-breakthrough-session-with-kevin

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NLU is not just a podcast; it’s a gateway to a wealth of resources designed to help you achieve your goals and dreams. From our Next Level Dreamliner to our Group Coaching, we offer a variety of tools and communities to support your personal development journey.

For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email. We’re here to support you in your personal and professional development journey.

Instagram 📷
Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Facebook ✍
Alan: https://www.facebook.com/alan.lazaros
Kevin: https://www.facebook.com/kevin.palmieri.90/

Email 💬
Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

LinkedIn ✍
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(2:35) Why some people never change
(4:43) What makes growth actually stick
(6:29) Giving hard feedback with care
(7:54) Who is really worth investing in
(9:14) Next Level Dreamliner: The planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://a.co/d/9fPpxEt
(10:17) Stop waiting for them to change
(12:03) How wounds shape your decisions
(13:29) Watch actions, not words
(14:54) Alan’s rule for team alignment
(16:27) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Kevin Palmieri:

One of the hardest parts of relationships and I think it's one of the hardest parts to understand is you can't want growth for somebody more than they want growth for themselves, and you can't really expect direction from somebody more than they want direction for themselves people up a mountain that they didn't want to climb, and that was a losing game.

Alan Lazaros:

So I had to learn and evolve and grow and mature as a man and as a leader and as a coach, and that's what we're going to talk about today.

Kevin Palmieri:

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, kevin Palmieri, and I'm your co -host, alan Lazarus. At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros:

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri:

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros:

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Kevin Palmieri:

Welcome to Next Level University, Next Level Nation today for episode number 2064, a losing game when it comes to relationships. I don't mean for it to be negative. I don't want for it to be negative. We'll hopefully we'll be able to put a positive spin on it.

Kevin Palmieri:

I was talking to a friend a long time ago and they were with someone and they were trying to figure out whether or not they were going to stay with someone. And there was life stuff happening and they were trying to figure out whether or not this was going to be their person. And they called me. And they were trying to figure out whether or not this was going to be their person. And they called me and they were asking me for advice. And I was like I don't know why you're asking me. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, but let me let me see what I can do for you. Let me see if I have acquired some wisdom in my, my days of life. And I said I think the thing that the thing that you're not factoring in is so much of what you're saying is based on if they do this, if they do this, if they do this, would you stay with them if they didn't do any of that, Because I'm not saying that they're not going to change. I'm not saying that we shouldn't have room for evolution I'm not saying any of that.

Kevin Palmieri:

But when you fall in love with potential, it's a very dangerous game. With anything, Well, yeah, no, I know, right now the job sucks, but I, I hear some good things about what could happen in the future. Maybe, maybe, well, uh, what's? What's? Another good example Potential. Well, yeah, no, I, I'm going to buy this car because I know after I fix it up, it's going to be better than it ever was in the beginning. Maybe, or maybe the wheels are going to fall off. That's a possibility. I'm going to invest in this thing because I hear really good things about it. Maybe, or maybe, the ceo of the company is a shady jeff and they're going to steal all your money. Who knows? You fall in love with potential. I feel like it's a really dangerous thing.

Kevin Palmieri:

So I said to this person I said if you, you have to be very honest with yourself about if nothing changed at all, would you regret moving forward? I'm not saying nothing is going to change, but I'm guessing it's probably not going to be to the degree that you want it to be, Because is that even really good for that person to change in all the ways that you want them to? I don't know. I'm sure they have parts of you that they want you to change. Are you going to change all those things? I don't know, that's up to you guys. So that is where the thought for today's episode came from. Here's the hardest part.

Alan Lazaros:

There are certain people in my life that I see their potential and I know I'm not alone in that. I think we all have some version of that, and some of them never changed at all, no matter how much I tried to encourage or support or entice whatever you want to call it lead and other people. It worked wonders, you being one of them, man Well so how do you know?

Kevin Palmieri:

Didn't I want it? I wanted it, I wanted something. Well, now I know why.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah yeah, but I didn't know at the time. Well, but now you do kind of yeah Well, I think it's work ethic, humility and commitment, not in that order humility first, work ethics second and then commitment. And I've come to realize and this is what I tell everybody on, isn't it?

Kevin Palmieri:

isn't it? Clarity, though, too, when you got they. Somebody has to know what they want in order for them to figure out whether or not you can help them get there not just what they want, but what it's going to take to yeah, yeah, but how can you in advance? That's like an impossible you can have an idea hard you can have an idea.

Alan Lazaros:

You can have an idea at least nobody knows what marriage is going to be like until after they're married at least not fully fair, fair, but but even the point of well, if you think getting married is going to fix it, it's not. That's a fair set that's why this is good.

Kevin Palmieri:

This is you think you think having oh, we'll have kids, that'll fix it? I think the fuck not. I think it's probably gonna make it worse, probably most likely exacerbate, whatever it.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, I have to imagine I don't have kids, so I don't know you and I have been told going into business together was a terrible idea. How did we know it wasn't a terrible idea? I fell in love with your potential? For sure Not in that way, but I definitely saw your potential and was like, fuck yeah, absolutely, 100%. And if I didn't believe in you enough to invest in you, we wouldn't have gotten here. I was with Emilia not long ago I think it was last night probably and I said Kevin's evolving so much.

Kevin Palmieri:

Not long ago.

Alan Lazaros:

And I thought that conversation I had with him. So there was a behind the scenes conversation with kev recently. That was really tough and I don't know who was tougher for me or him, because I didn't want to be unkind but I also knew it was going to be potentially hurtful and I was like he reacted to that so much better than I thought he was going to. This is awesome. What else can I tell him? Right, I'm joking Kind of, but you've grown so much since then and it's been a short period of time and that never. I said this to her last night behind the scenes. I said that never happens. Usually it goes horribly, Not with you, but with people.

Kevin Palmieri:

A lot of people don't want you to share hard truths with them that will help them, unless they really want the thing, but that's why it's so hard.

Alan Lazaros:

How do you know?

Kevin Palmieri:

if someone really wants the thing. When everyone tells you they do, you look at the actions. If you really want the thing, you'd be working at the thing, regardless of knowing how to do the thing. When everyone tells you they do, you look at the actions. If you really want the thing, you'd be working at the thing. Regardless of knowing how to do the thing, you'd be working at it, you'd be trying, you'd be researching. You wouldn't just be sitting there saying I really want it. You've got to show. Do you know exactly what to do? No, no, but are you trying to make progress in the right direction with the awareness that you have, with the resources you have? If yes, I would say the person actually wants it. Now, do they want it to the degree that they think? That's a different conversation. That's a completely different conversation. But I think you look at action. If there's action behind it, it helps.

Alan Lazaros:

In the stock market. You invest in companies you believe will grow and that's how you make more money so that you can reinvest that money and take some of it off for your lifestyle. That's how investing works. I feel the same way about people. I invest in people. I really need to, cole, if you're out there watching or listening, cole a long time ago said hey brother, just change the auto-focus or not the auto-ofocus, the auto exposure on your camera, and it'll stop that thing that it does where it basically makes us, yeah, blinds us. I just haven't done it completely, cole. I just I just haven't done it. It's on the list.

Kevin Palmieri:

The list is a mile long. It's not on top of it, it's down there.

Alan Lazaros:

But I feel the same way about investing in people. As a leader, you invest in people, and how do you know who to invest in and who not to? And I've learned this over the years. In my honest opinion, as much as this might be a potential altercation between Kevin and I, I think you invested in people less than you could have. I agree, no, no but you, I invested way more than I should have.

Kevin Palmieri:

That's factual. Yeah, that's no argument. No argument there.

Alan Lazaros:

Well we both were off. I think we were both not optimal. And I I came from invest in everyone, believe in everyone, and everyone can achieve goals and dreams and everyone's gonna, you know, make it. And a lot of people do pretend to have goals and dreams when they really don't around me, in particular, and I, I now understand that goals and dreams when they really don't around me in particular. And I now understand that. But in the beginning I didn't. And in the beginning you said that you wanted to be like Joe Rogan.

Kevin Palmieri:

I did and I thought that you meant it, though, including everything that comes with that. I did, I did, I did. I don't want to be that anymore. I want to be. A different version of success is different now, but I still want it.

Alan Lazaros:

But if you didn't tell me that you wanted that, I wouldn't have invested as much. Yeah, because I wanted to help you achieve your dream.

Kevin Palmieri:

Well, that's what makes it super hard.

Alan Lazaros:

Hello, hello, hello. Nlu listener. Thank you, as always, for listening to Next Level University. Real quick. I just want to jump in and let you know about the Next Level Dreamliner. This is a journal that I use every single day. Achieve your dreams 90 days at a time. It breaks down your dreams into goals, milestones and daily habits. We hope you enjoy it. The link will be in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri:

The lens I'm coming at it from. Is not that necessarily. It's more. It was. It was like well, if this person changes this, this, this, this and this, like it'll, it'll be just fine. It's like they're not going to, though, like what do you know?

Alan Lazaros:

how do you know? Because I'm I'm not disagreeing. They definitely won't. It's not that you're right on this, you're, and this it'll be just fine, they're not going to, though how do you know?

Kevin Palmieri:

Because I'm not disagreeing. They definitely won't. You're right on this, you're accurate. Well, it's not that I know, I don't know. People change all the time they can.

Alan Lazaros:

But it can't be. That can't be the. Yeah, it can't be the hinge.

Kevin Palmieri:

If they do. What if they don't though? What if they don't though? What if they do for a short amount of time until they realize they don't want to be like that? Then what?

Alan Lazaros:

Well, marriage is an interesting thing and that's kind of going all in. That's like buying one stock and only buying one stock. So I think the correct conversation, or the better conversation for you and I to have in this is how do you invest the right amount? And this is what I've got it boiled down to, because I've told Kev behind the scenes like brother, you got to lead, there's people in your life that would benefit from your leadership, including the person you opened with, and you can't just presuppose they're not going to grow. They might grow if you give them the opportunity. However, you don't need to pour the whole fucking thing and force anyone to do anything Right. So I think a good leader is someone who pours and gives the opportunity to get to the next level.

Alan Lazaros:

Kevin said this to me behind the scenes. He said we're not trying to get anyone to your level, we're trying to get them to their next level, and I think that's true. So if someone comes at level one and they say they want to get to level 10, I don't help them get to level 10 anymore. In this metaphor, they come to me and say I want to climb to the top of Mount Everest. I no longer believe that to be true. I think that's what they think they want. But now I say, okay, well, well, have you climbed mount wachusett? And okay, well, have you clowned monadnock yet? Okay, you did, okay, so. So I go to whatever level they're at and then I pour that amount to try to get them to a bigger mountain, but not mount everest, whereas I think in the past sometimes you just kind of let let it ride and just didn't pour at all and again, correct me if I'm wrong, but no, it's fair.

Kevin Palmieri:

Well it's. You got to think of the my wound. I'm not afraid of being alone, so it's like I'm not really worried about it. That's my, my deepest wound. My deepest fear is not ending up alone, it's not being successful. So naturally I'm gonna cut bait a lot faster than somebody who doesn't have that fear, because I'm already convinced I can't be successful. So I, if there's any inclination to me that this person is going to hold me back, I'm not. I'm not necessarily going to help. Try to make them grow.

Alan Lazaros:

How do you know when someone's going to hold you back? I don't feel like I have a good radar for that I do now. I don't know. I feel like I had so many people in my life that were not focused on contributing as much as they were, as much as I thought.

Kevin Palmieri:

Maybe that's not even the right phrasing. Maybe it's who's going to help me accelerate the most.

Alan Lazaros:

Okay, well, if they're not helping you accelerate. They probably are holding you back.

Kevin Palmieri:

But I don't think it was like it wasn't obvious. This person is holding me back, it was more. I just feel like we're stagnant. I just feel like you can tell when people are stagnant yeah, I would say so. I don't know, I think I don't. It's not like a super conscious thought process.

Alan Lazaros:

How can you tell? I feel like I was terrible at identifying this. I think I now. I look for a couple things and it tells me yes or no. Absolutely I don't. I don't really listen to what people say.

Kevin Palmieri:

I watch what they do. I don't listen, I don't care what you say, I don't, it doesn't, really, I don't care. I could say stuff too, it doesn't matter, I watch. I look for action Like what's's the. Are the actions different than they were before? Yes, something is changing, positive and negative. You go hang out with someone and they say, yeah, I really cut back on drinking, awesome, cool. And then on their instagram story every three weeks they're tearing it up. It's like I don't feel like you're drinking the same amount. You just convince yourself you drink a little bit less. So the actions do not match.

Alan Lazaros:

You're good at identifying delusion, the story someone tells themselves about themselves.

Kevin Palmieri:

I guess I was very delusional in the past. So I make sense. It's easy to recognize when you used to do it, you know but how do you know what they're?

Alan Lazaros:

and this is. This is one of the questions that I ask, and I said this on a business podcast yesterday. I know I'm talking a lot of business lately, but I know, know it's relevant. I said I now will never, ever, bring anyone on the NLU team again unless I ask myself a certain question who is this person and what is this person when no one's watching? And this is a more hardcore one, but it's can this person go into a gym by themselves and go on the Stairmaster for 30 minutes in the dark alone and not post it on Instagram? And if the answer is no, I would never have them on the NLU team, because I need to know that you're in it for the right reason.

Alan Lazaros:

In the past, it was ego and status and that never worked for me, and I have my absolutely people and my absolutely not people. I'll be very brief about this, and that never worked for me, and I have my absolutely people and my absolutely not people. I'll be very brief about this, but my absolutely people are people who have high humility, inward humility, high work ethic and high levels of commitment Usually low self-worth, unfortunately, and that's definitely kind of me in the past, and the absolutely not people is anyone who wants big rewards for minimal effort I will never work with again and I'm talking in any capacity. And the reason why is because we will never jive.

Kevin Palmieri:

Anyone who wants big rewards for minimal effort is always going to take more than they give. Yeah, we're gonna have to do a part two of this. We did not explore the depths that we should, that we could have. I would say that we should, we're gonna, we're gonna do a part two on this. I gotta hop because I have a, I'm on a podcast, has a coaching call, but I want to make sure we, because I think this is a really deep one and I think the core wounds and the feet, the deepest fears and the relationship you have with relationships, that all dictates a lot of this stuff and that's all like really valuable. So we'll make sure we do that. All right, if you are looking for better, more aligned, positive personal development relationships, join our private Facebook group, next Level Nation. We'll have the link below.

Alan Lazaros:

The book Reset by Dan Heath. We do book club every Saturday, 1230 pm Eastern Standard Time. It's one hour. It's totally free. You can have your mic and camera off. You do not have to participate or have read the book. It's a brainstorming session. Great books with great people. It's like free coaching. I hope you join. At very least it'll keep you inspired and motivated and educated towards your goals and dreams.

Kevin Palmieri:

And that is a great book. It's a very, very, very good book. Could not recommend it enough. All right, as always. We love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan Lazaros:

Keep it Next Level, next Level Nation.

Kevin Palmieri:

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros:

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri:

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

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