Next Level University

A Losing Game When It Comes To Relationships… Part 2 (2065)

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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In this soul-stirring episode of Next Level University, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros return for a heartfelt conversation. They reflect on the quiet sorrow of loving someone’s potential, the wisdom found in disappointment, and the freedom that comes with letting go. If you’ve ever carried hope heavier than the person you held it for, this message is yours.

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Next Level Book Club - https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/next-level-book-club/

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Free 30-minute Business Breakthrough Session with Alan -
https://calendly.com/alanlazaros/30-minute-free-breakthrough-session?month=2025-04
Free 30-Minute Podcast Breakthrough Session with Kevin -
https://calendly.com/kevinpalmieri/free-30-minute-podcast-breakthrough-session-with-kevin

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NLU is not just a podcast; it’s a gateway to a wealth of resources designed to help you achieve your goals and dreams. From our Next Level Dreamliner to our Group Coaching, we offer a variety of tools and communities to support your personal development journey.

For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email. We’re here to support you in your personal and professional development journey.

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Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

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Kevin: https://www.facebook.com/kevin.palmieri.90/

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Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

LinkedIn ✍
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(3:20) The three pillars of great coaching
(5:08) When you want it more than they do
(9:49) The sweet spot of feedback
(12:16) Humbling lessons from real attempts
(16:12) Misaligned feedback in relationships
(20:22) Meet your people. Chase your dreams. Level up your life with Next Level Group Coaching. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/
(25:43) The hidden cost of being babied
(27:41) Spotting relationship mismatches early
(30:32) Don't try to change their essence
(33:10) Can you bet your future on change?
(37:19) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Kevin Palmieri:

I think you're more willing, or more likely at least, to fall in love with potential if you're afraid of being alone. Because if you're afraid of being alone, you're thinking to yourself well, if this changes and this changes and this changes and this changes, I won't be alone. And I've definitely had bouts of that in my life. But I think, as I've understood, that I've tried to do a better job of not falling in love with potential for that reason to do a better job of not falling in love with potential.

Alan Lazaros:

For that reason, I think that you and you alone need to have the highest level of drive for reaching your own goals, your own dreams, your own potential. And I think it can be very dangerous if someone else wants success for you more than you want it for yourself, and that's what we're going to dive back into today. You want it for yourself.

Kevin Palmieri:

And that's what we're going to dive back into today. Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri.

Alan Lazaros:

And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus. At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven, but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers. Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri:

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros:

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Kevin Palmieri:

Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation today for episode number 2065. We're doing a part two, so a losing game when it comes to relationships part two, because we didn't really have that much time to dive in and I feel like Alan and I were going in different directions not in in a bad way, but I want to make sure that we wrap it up with a bow and we leave with some tangible takeaways. So I again do. I remember exactly what we talked about yesterday in terms of, like, all the points we touched on. No, we very rarely do two-part episodes, so we're gonna see what happens. I feel like you were talking from a coaching perspective, where I was talking more from, like, a personal, intimate relationship, probably more than anything, I guess, friendship too. How dare you? What is that about?

Alan Lazaros:

I in a good mood. I wasn't really talking from a coaching perspective. I was talking from a life and leadership perspective. Okay, go on your thesis. On the last part, the last episode was I didn't think I was going to be successful, so I had to surround myself with people who I knew for certain were not going to be holding me back. And then you reframed it with I needed to be around people that would accelerate my growth, not decelerate it. And as someone who I do believe has always been an accelerator, I've been thinking about this a lot lately. What is it that I'm doing exactly in my coaching? Because I've been reflecting a lot over the last many years and I have it boiled down to three things, and I'll make a point with this. I'm not just talking about me here. Seriously, I got a point with this.

Alan Lazaros:

So the first one is self-belief Inject self-belief, help people believe in themselves more. The second one is deeper understanding and distinctions. It's intelligence. I would put it all underneath the word intelligence, aka deeper understanding of yourself, others and the world, so that you can pick a good direction. World so that you can pick a good direction. We talked in an episode a couple days ago about how, if you're in the wrong direction, being motivated in that direction and believing in yourself more is actually bad. And I use the analogy of when I was a kid I had high confidence, low humility, confidence, low humility and low competence in a car and that was very dangerous. I took a turn too fast and I actually 360 to cross someone's lawn when I was very young. That was really scary and that was a humble pie moment for me of I have to be more careful. I didn't understand this and again, young men tend to be reckless when they have too much confidence and not enough humility. So number one is self-belief. Number two is intelligence. That was not an intelligent turn, not an intelligent choice the car thing. And then the last one is momentum, which is just motivate the fuck out of people, just crank it, let's go. What are we doing? I will always be pushing, always, and you and I on the last episode we didn't necessarily disagree, but we definitely weren't on the exact same page, because I've spent my entire life trying to help people reach their potential, even when I didn't know that's what I was doing, and I do think some of it was because I didn't want to outgrow people.

Alan Lazaros:

I have a friend of mine growing up. He didn't get into the college. We were going to go to college together, we're going to start a company together, and he didn't get in. And I remember thinking you're not going to get in if you keep getting B's man Like this is a. You know you got to get your shit together. You know you got to get your shit together, but I didn't have the courage to say anything.

Alan Lazaros:

Now the truth is I wanted success for him more than he wanted for himself. And then he went to UMass Amherst and he failed out. And because engineering school is really hard if you're not around other engineers he wasn't. There's something called the Commonwealth at UMass Amherst and I actually got a free ride to that school and I was part of the Commonwealth and I went to WPI instead. But ultimately he was around people that weren't in engineering and that's a very bad idea, because when you're in engineering you need to be around other engineers so they can study together and help you. Because he was around the partiers and I think the thesis of the last episode this was my point you poured less into. I think you were good at accepting people for all of who they were, but maybe never really led and drove them to be better, and I think I was probably the opposite and I think we're driving to five very nicely.

Kevin Palmieri:

I don't think I'm willing to be villainized by people, like by the people closest to me, because I feel like if you overdo it it's like, okay, what's? I guess what's the overdo underdo? If you overdo it, they villainize you. If you underdo it, you regret it maybe. Yeah, right, so I think I'm just more, I don't know, I don't like it's hard for me because I don't want to, I don't want to be an annoyance to people well, you don't like challenging people I.

Kevin Palmieri:

It's hard for me to challenge someone beyond what I think the challenge that they want is. I think that's what's really hard for me. You know, I don't. I don't because when I say I like, when I say I want to do something, I really mean that I'm not just I'm not just saying I want to get to 165 pounds, like I intend on doing. That, that's like I'm not just saying and I want to do it, so I'm going to do it and I'll. If somebody asked me if I needed help with that, I would say yes, and this is the goal, this, this is exactly what I want.

Alan Lazaros:

I don't know, when you challenged me in the past in fitness, why were you willing to risk our relationship? Because it wasn't a risk.

Kevin Palmieri:

How did you know? Because it's something you value it more highly than I do. You better be in better shape than I am and you know you think that more than I do that and you want me to call you out, you've given me permission. Because you've given me actual permission in advance to call you out.

Alan Lazaros:

There have been things that you have called me out on that I did not give you permission in advance.

Kevin Palmieri:

I can think of at least one For fuck's sake. I know you wanted it. I know you wanted it and I know you needed it in order to get to where you wanted to get to.

Alan Lazaros:

And I don't think that's the case for everybody, I guess.

Alan Lazaros:

Well, I said this to you behind the scenes and I don't think I'm presupposing you wouldn't mind me sharing it. If, for whatever reason, you do, let's cut it out. But ultimately I said I've been a driver, a catalyst, a challenger to help you reach your potential since we reconnected in our mid-20s. And I said why do you want to benefit from all that but never give that to others? And I'm not saying never. Obviously, you challenge your clients and stuff, and I'm not exactly perfect in this either. Obviously, I've wanted success for others more than they wanted it for themselves, but they pretended and or said that they wanted I literally.

Alan Lazaros:

And I tell a story. I have a client she's listening right now who said I want you to be as hard on me as you are on yourself. And she said that six years ago and I told Emilia that behind the scenes and Emilia said no, she would die. And now, all these years later, she said I would have died. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. It's like well, you didn't know what you were saying and I thought you meant it and I didn't take it literally, because you can only be as hard on yourself as you have a certain level of self-esteem, self-belief, self-confidence and self-worth. I can be harder on me now than I could back in the day, especially in fitness, when I was brand new. I remember I went into the gym, I cried in the bathroom and left Like I could not be hard on me then. That would not be constructive, that would be destructive. But that's what I'm always trying to figure out is what is the construction zone? And the answer is not don't.

Kevin Palmieri:

No, that's fair feedback. The answer is give the right amount of yeah, and I think sometimes if I'm going to miss, I'm going to miss under.

Alan Lazaros:

I'm not going to miss over.

Kevin Palmieri:

I don't, I don't want to miss over Because I don't know. I think I feel like I have so much empathy for for somebody who wants to grow, because it's been so hard to grow. It's so uncomfortable and I've gotten feedback I didn't fucking want and I wasn't ready for. I was like, all right, I'll figure this out.

Alan Lazaros:

But that benefited you.

Kevin Palmieri:

But I believe I'm unique in that, why I believe I'm a unique case, why I have a lot of grit. I have a lot of grit. I I don't know, I just keep showing up. I don't think it's. I actually want what I say. I want. I actually want it. Imagine, imagine you go to a fitness coach two versions I, kevin, who goes and hires a fitness coach, and when I say fitness coach I mean this this is a. This is a bodybuilding prep coach. That's what this is. It's not a fitness coach helping me get ready for something other than a bodybuilding show like this is a bodybuilding coach who knows all about supplements, all about posing, all about judging all of that stuff. I go and I say I want to win the show. Awesome, kevin b goes and says I want to win the show, but doesn't mean it. The same feedback is going to hurt completely differently. I how?

Alan Lazaros:

how would you know? Kevin B didn't mean it. That's the part I was always missing. I would do.

Kevin Palmieri:

What you spoke about on the last episode is oh, you want to get to. You want to get to the top of the mountain awesome. Have you visited base camp one yet? No, you haven't yet. All right, let's go there. Ah, yes, the air is thinner here than you thought, isn't it? Yes, yes, common happens often. Let's see how it feels here for a while and then then we're gonna know whether or not you're gonna go to base camp. The air is thinner at base camp two than it is at base camp one. My friend, I do love that story of the six minute mile. That was fun. That was fun for me. That was me trying to get to the top of the mountain without, without realizing what. It was 100. But what if I never ran? Then you'd never know, you would never know. But we were like, yeah, let's go do it, let's see what happens. What's the worst that can happen? You can almost die for sure. But that was, that was the, the action that brought more awareness.

Alan Lazaros:

But isn't there some truth to? You're not going to die, though. You're going to do something really hard.

Kevin Palmieri:

You're going to get humble pie, and then you're going to become a better man because of it then you're going to become a better man because of it, if you have the right amount of belief. Yeah, I'm very. I have very high belief when it comes to physical capabilities and that's not going to hurt me, I'm fine, whatever.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah that's fine to provide context. Kevin and I were in the gym together. He's like I could probably run a six minute mile.

Kevin Palmieri:

I was like dude, no fucking chance it doesn't sound that hard when you think about it yeah, it's really bad it's terrible, it's the worst. Yeah, it wasn't even close.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, you weren't even close. I didn't even finish. I said let's go to the track right after this and we did, and Kev got to the third lap and he died. I died, he was dead. Yeah, reckless, I got 6.17 and I was dying.

Alan Lazaros:

I could barely get it. Yeah, it was reckless. Yeah, I the other day. It's humbling as shit, man, I think it was like 7, 30 something and I was cooking. I, I is this app right? Oh my god right. I mean, granted, it was hot as shit and I can insert excuse here, but it's not easy. It's not an easy feat. I mean, the 5k we did last summer, it was so fucking humbling. I do think that's good for you, though. I think I think it's good for you, like it's good for me for sure.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, yeah, it's good for you. It's just it's good perspective. Well, perspective for you shows you that you're not as great as you think. Perspective for other people. You don't want it to show them how great that they're not, because I think a lot of people walk around with that Like, if you're listening right now and you resonate more with me than you do with alan, you need to build your belief, probably, and the it all comes down to belief. Huh, I think so. I think it does. I think it does. I don't know if it's like quote unquote, that simple, but yeah, you don't. There's certain things that I'm I don't care if I lose I just had a breakthrough.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, you build belief through tough feedback, but it's the right amount, the right amount here if you, if you, get feedback. That's. So this the premise of this is I tend to go over and give more feedback than is constructive and I've definitely got better at that and you tend to go under. Neither one of those is going to build belief.

Kevin Palmieri:

You can't baby people no, I disagree, disagree strongly you cannot build dude how.

Alan Lazaros:

Jim ron has this great quote. He says how long would you give your average student, how long would you let them stay in second grade?

Kevin Palmieri:

but that's like, that's why they make the desk, so small, you're adult but that's suggesting that the person's not leveling up. They are 100. You know people I've helped start podcasts, so who didn, though, who didn't believe in themselves and actually like get a good amount of episodes out. Say that again. You know how many people I've helped. You know how many people with low self belief I've helped start podcasts that never would have started a podcast a lot.

Alan Lazaros:

Isn't there something to be said, though? For preparing, I think it's irresponsible to. Isn't there something to be?

Kevin Palmieri:

said, though, for preparing. I think it's irresponsible to baby someone too much too, though I agree. Yeah, I think if somebody has a level five self-belief and you're giving them level one feedback. You're not doing them favors.

Kevin Palmieri:

Let's do self-belief and self-worth, because self-worth matters too in this, right, it's not just self-belief, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not just self-belief. And self-worth, because self-worth matters. To witness, right, it's not just self-belief, yeah, yeah, yeah, right, it's not just self-belief, yeah, yeah, that's, that's not enough, that's not enough. But if they're level five, you can't give them level 10. Yeah, agreed, but you can't give them level four. I agree, I agree. 100.

Kevin Palmieri:

I agree, you gotta give them level six, gotta give you, gotta give them five or higher, probably five to seven, too high. Yeah, five to seven, let's say plus or minus two is probably. But like, imagine you go to a t-ball game, right, these like five-year-old kids and you just berate them. I'm like and again I'm not saying you would ever do that, but like I can imagine, I can imagine a scene from a movie. Like, imagine a scene from a movie one coach that is just fired up, okay, this is it.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, yeah, a t-ball coach gets on the wrong bus and a professional coach gets on the wrong bus. Professional coach is going to a t-ball game, t-ball coach is going to professional game and they give the same feedback, so that the professional coach is screaming at these team hours, just fucking screaming at him. And then the T-ball coach is like, yeah, you're doing great, awesome, yeah, and he's just having the time of his life, and these are professional baseball players and they're like what the fuck is this? That? That's a good example of it, a good, a good visualization of it.

Alan Lazaros:

I played flag football way back in the day, dude. Some of these coaches were really fucking hard on me. Of course there's a we do next level hope foundation and we've had events father's day and holiday event. We actually have one coming up in 50 days. For father's day there was a young kid he's like nine and he is talented but cocky, and you had a moment with him where you were a little harder on him than you would have been some of the other kids and not in a negative way.

Alan Lazaros:

it wasn't toxic. But it was a little bit of a check and now I understand.

Kevin Palmieri:

He sassed me and again we know this wasn't a stranger's child. We knew this person.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, and I think one of the reasons why people were so hard on me is because I was so confident. Because that kid is really confident, he's definitely got some arrogance too. But I think that because I was so confident I got a lot more intense feedback Makes sense, and some of it was very, very. You know how I told you about the biscuits getting thrown at me. I was a busboy and I burnt the biscuits. I wonder if that happened on some level because people knew that I had a high level of self-concept, Like dude. Have you ever heard so many fucking stories of the whole class laughing at me Like that's not normal?

Kevin Palmieri:

What is that about? Well, because you had self-belief and you called it out Like, oh, this book is wrong, of course nobody in the class is going to think the book's wrong. I mean, that makes sense to me, at least. I would never. I don't know if I would ever question a book because I don't believe I know better than the book. I don't know the book was wrong.

Alan Lazaros:

I know Well, now I know.

Kevin Palmieri:

I know that now, but at the time I probably wouldn't have guessed it. It makes sense. I think you're an easy target. You're an easy target for people to give feedback to and you ask for feedback all the time, so of course you're going to get it. I think I feel like once you ask for feedback, once people think they're just, they can just give it whenever they want.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, you know they don't know.

Alan Lazaros:

I said this once. She said I just witnessed you get made fun of by everybody there and then you joined them in making fun of you and you're 10 times more. She said a hundred times, you're a hundred times more than all those guys. And I had this moment of yeah, but I didn't. I said you thought that was bad, that was, I didn't even fucking notice that. And she, she said that was what was the most alarming is that you didn't even notice. I just don't. I think I've always been shit on, to be a completely honest. And here's the thing when you're really good at stuff, you get shit on the be a complete trend honest. And here's the thing when you're really good at stuff, you get shit on the most because people think it doesn't bother you yeah, yeah, I don't.

Kevin Palmieri:

I think that's why it's. It's so personal. It's like the feedback you've gotten is based on you asked and you had really high belief and maybe you had low self-worth, so maybe you you just fawned when you got feedback. I think everybody gets feedback in different ways from different people and they receive it differently, and my response was always just go get better which is long-term. That ended up being great, but I yeah, I don't think that's a common. I don't think that's a common response.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, fair, I don't think that's a common belief based on belief.

Kevin Palmieri:

I think. I think Again is it that simple? No, there's obviously other stuff that goes through it. Do you think people were too soft on you?

Alan Lazaros:

Because you appeared more delicate or whatever, because I think that's a thing too.

Kevin Palmieri:

Next level nation. What is happening? If you've thought to yourself, I want to try coaching, but you don't really know where to start, group coaching would be a wonderful place for you. That's really why we created it in the first place. We start a new round every 90 days. So if you're hearing this, go to the website nextleveluniversecom and we have the landing page where you can actually hold your spot right now. Even if there's a group going on right now, you can still lock your spot for the next one. The biggest thing that we've seen is, as we get closer and closer to the date, unfortunately, some people end up missing. The group fills up and they can't do it, and then they end up regretting that. So please head over to the website. The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there.

Alan Lazaros:

There's one person I'm thinking of in the past. She's in some serious trouble. They they didn't believe in her at all. So and I'll keep this anonymous, of course but I coached her for a time and she was told by her parents that she's not very. Her parents didn't think she was very bright and the truth is there's some truth to that. Some of us are naturally gifted in intelligence and some people aren't, and fixed mindset versus growth mindset, like all of us, can get smarter. I'm with you, but we all know we're not all created identical. Okay, you have to dance so much around that. It's like listen, certain things came really easy to me, certain things really didn't. It is what it is, okay.

Alan Lazaros:

This person was definitely not on the high end of the statistical bell curve of IQ and she was told because of that her parents didn't push her, but they did push her siblings, and her siblings were pushed to go to Ivy League schools, just like the dad and all this stuff. And I remember thinking you're in trouble because you, you, no one pushed you. And when I coached her, obviously I had to push her because I'm a coach. That's what I do, like I'm gonna find the. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna hurt you, but I have to push you. And she achieved things she never, ever has achieved before, and she built levels of belief she had never had before. Now, what I realize now in hindsight is some of that was delusion, because I don't think she understood my part in that, and I think that all of us need to realize this too. It's not just us. I didn't pave the roads, I didn't build the fucking camera, I didn't make this microphone. Like, a lot of this isn't me, but a lot of it is too, and all of us have to figure out what is and isn't us.

Alan Lazaros:

I've had some clients I've worked with for years. They've achieved so many of their goals and dreams beyond their wildest dreams and I ask what made the difference? And they say you, the tracker and the coaching. And I'm like, oh okay, well, that's good news. It's not all me. Give yourself some credit. But I've had other people go. You know what I just? I always knew I fucking could, and that's a red flag for me. In the past I didn't notice. It's like you know I can do anything I set my mind to. It's like well, why can't you go to the gym ever? Then you know you ever hear someone say that shit. It's like, oh yeah, you do anything you set your mind to, it's well, you haven't exercised in four years set their mind to that.

Kevin Palmieri:

That's, that's the justification for that. Yeah, but they did they you know?

Alan Lazaros:

well, no, I know, but that's, you're in a bathing suit, but that's what they, that's what they would say is why just?

Kevin Palmieri:

no, no, that wasn't I could, I just didn't. It's like okay, yeah, I feel like okay, I feel like, well then, why are you broke?

Alan Lazaros:

some mental gymnastics going on here. I feel like it's some gentle, some mental gymnastics going on. Well, I want to kick it back to you because do you feel like people were not hard on, like hard enough on you?

Kevin Palmieri:

no, did I again. It's. I think it's different when you like there's no father figure. So but no, my mom was not easy on me, like I remember. When I was like 15, 16, she literally said if I ever, if you ever, come home drunk and you drove, I will drive you right to the police station. Like I will turn you in myself if you ever do any dumb shit like that. Like, oh okay, hell, yeah, my mom was pretty hardcore man, my mom was pretty hardcore. No, I don't think I was babied.

Alan Lazaros:

No, Do you know anyone who you think was? Because you have to prepare people.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, for sure.

Alan Lazaros:

We have to all be prepared for life. Yeah okay, so what do you think about that?

Kevin Palmieri:

They're in some trouble, right. The reason they were babied is not because it's not necessarily because their parents didn't want to give them feedback. It's because their parents were a fucking mess and they were worried about their own figuring out their own. They didn't know themselves, they didn't understand how much feedback to give they had. No, I mean, one person I'm thinking of, just one of his parents was an alcoholic. The other one was just somebody that had super low self-worth and just got walked on all the time and of course, they're not going to know, they're not going to be able to figure it out and give the right amount of feedback, because they're both on their own islands of trying to exist. So I don't necessarily know. Again, are there cases where people are just like, okay, we're going to baby this person, I'm going to make sure we don't ever give them feedback. For sure, for sure, 100%. I just don't think that's always the case.

Alan Lazaros:

Last piece of this. I know we got to jump. I do, and again, this is very specific to the environment I grew up in. Particularly the men I mean men just rip each other apart when they're kids.

Kevin Palmieri:

For sure.

Alan Lazaros:

You can't show a fucking lick of weakness. As a young boy I remember getting the Like. We would play Mortal Kombat on the trampoline with my neighbor's older brothers they were four, I mean they would beat the shit out of us, dude, oh I know. And I remember thinking like this is kind of fucked up. I would go home all bloodied up. I wonder if it's because I was so confident they needed to knock that down or something. I was beaten up a lot, dude. In hindsight it's been really hard for me to look back on some of this. I mean, I remember I got drop kicked off the trampoline four times in a row. I'm talking full-on drop kick Like, and I just kept coming. I was like let's go.

Alan Lazaros:

That wasn't good for me, but it wasn't good for your physical health. I was like, let's go, that wasn't good for me, but it wasn't good for your physical health. I just I now I realize too, somehow that also helped me, because that is also one of the reasons why I feel, yeah, I'm back to backs until eight o'clock at night. That's not going to hurt me in comparison, you know it's like, oh it's. You know it's going to be a tough one. Yeah, it's going to be hard, but not really compared to.

Alan Lazaros:

I think you know so there's something to be said for. But you I guess everyone out there watching or listening what's the level of feedback you're giving? What's the level you believe in yourself and others? Where are you off? Because this challenge skills sweet spot thing, it's important. There are some people in honors class that shouldn't be there and they would hold back the smarter kids. And there's some people that are in the AP class that shouldn't be there. But there's also some people that are in the non-honors classes, like me just trying to get the A.

Alan Lazaros:

Dude, in English I didn't like English so I was like fuck it, I'm not going to take honors, let me just get an A. But I would. It would make the class it's off. It's like a black belt fighting a bunch of blue belts. It's not. And vice versa, right. So I think we all have, and here's the problem. Maybe in karate or jujitsu or basketball, like that's, those mismatches are noticeable, but in life that's got to be one of the biggest issues. You ever date someone who was a mismatch For sure, and you talk about your ex-girlfriend, how confident she was and all that stuff. Dude, I never realized how much there was a mismatch in my relationships, friendships and intimate relationships.

Kevin Palmieri:

I'm willing to bet my ex that I talk about often was on the wrong side of this. She probably was waiting for me to change, become something I wasn't she would have been waiting, would she? Not have believed in you. There's a difference between believing in me and then hinging what the if, then you know what's ironic.

Alan Lazaros:

You probably became everything she had hoped for, and then some I never would have. She didn't leave probably.

Kevin Palmieri:

How ironic is that? Right, I don't. That's the weird thing about it.

Alan Lazaros:

That's the weird thing about it, and don't fall in love with potential, but don't forget about it either. Right? I think that's the. We talked about this. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but we talked about I this will be the last thing I say. I genuinely mean it my mentor, the one thing that I really love that he said he said some other valuable shit, but this was really good. He said never, ever, ever do anything, cause he had been divorced. And I said how do you make sure you don't get divorced? Because back then I was like I think I'm going to get divorced if I end up with this woman, and I was like I was trying to prevent that, right? So how do I not end up fucking up like you did? And he said dude, do not do anything. That feels too unnatural. That changed my life because I realized the relationship I was in. A lot of it didn't feel like me, like oh, let me hang out and by the lake. None of that feels like me and I I'll never forget this.

Alan Lazaros:

I wanted to run on the beach and I had a fitness show coming up and she was so upset that I didn't walk on the beach with her and it's like listen, I want to get up. We walked that way. And then I want to run back, I need to sprint, I need to do some hill sprints, and now, with Emilia, she's the one coming up with those ideas. She was so upset with me. She's like why couldn't you have just spent time with me on the beach? It's like I have a show coming up. My fucking goals matter. Why don't you have any goals? Why are you mad at me? Let me run, let me go, let me be free, let me do what I do. Baby boo, I'm joking, but, but ultimately I do get it. Never do anything that feels too unnatural, and I think that we all have an essence, and I think that when you want a partner or a friend to change their essence, I think that's a recipe for disaster.

Kevin Palmieri:

I would agree. I would agree. And the last thing I would say is if somebody, if the reason you want someone to change is because you know they really want the thing, maybe I don't want somebody to change for me. If I want them to change for them, that's different. But I still can't pull them. It's just not going to work, especially if you're somebody who is like you act like a hero and you are a martyr and you martyr yourself for other people. That's not sustainable.

Kevin Palmieri:

That's what the guy, that's what a guide is. Now, again, this is, but a guide is like if you want to come, I can show you the way. If you don't want to come, I'm not going to drag your ass. I'm not going to drag your ass. I'm not saying it's always that way, because sometimes you do need a little kick in the butt, you do need a little drag, and I think sometimes you do need to kick someone in the butt and you might need to drag them for a little bit. So I'm not saying it's a blanket statement, but if you want someone to change because you know they want to change, that's that's different. But I think if you're in a relationship with someone, it's like okay, if, if and if and if and if. I don't know, I wouldn't bet on it. I wouldn't bet on it, because what if you're wrong?

Alan Lazaros:

You always identified relational mismatches way before I did in the past. Is that what you were looking for? You just saw mismatches in drive, ambition, aspiration, core values.

Kevin Palmieri:

Maybe you can usually tell by the way somebody talks to the other partner. I think it's a john gottman thing. It was like if you, if you put someone in a room for x amount of time, he could predict 30 seconds.

Alan Lazaros:

He could predict with 94 accuracy, right so like am I that?

Kevin Palmieri:

no, but when you see someone enough, and you see the way they interact, it's like that's a every. I mean cutting strings. You talked about that in a previous episode. Every time it's like that's a string that got cut. It's not getting tied back stronger than it was. No way, no way, no.

Kevin Palmieri:

And if I ever talk to someone, they're like yeah, this is gonna, you know, this is gonna change and this is gonna change. It's like dude, I don't know, I think you're in trouble. I think you're in trouble. Would you stay with this person if it never changed? Yes or no? No, then no, then that's a conversation. Now, I'm not saying the person is not going to evolve, they're not going to grow. I'm not saying that. But I'm where I'm talking, like specific stuff. Well, I, I'm somebody who goes to the gym six times a week. I really want my partner to. It's like okay, have they ever gone to the gym before? No, how old are they? They're 29. Have they ever gone to the gym before? No, how old are they? They're 29? You think they're going to go to the gym six times a week with you, like starting now. I'm not saying they won't, but what if they don't?

Alan Lazaros:

Anyone could though?

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, yeah, yeah I understand, but not everybody will.

Alan Lazaros:

This is so hard because both of us are.

Kevin Palmieri:

Correct. Both of us are correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah for sure Both are.

Alan Lazaros:

Anyone can go to the gym six days a week if they really wanted to 100%, but most people won't. And that's the difference between potential and reality.

Kevin Palmieri:

Are you willing to bet your marriage on it? No, that's the question I almost did back in the day. Okay, so I never did. That would be.

Alan Lazaros:

My takeaway to them Is okay, so you're going to get together and then you're going to influence them and get them to go to the gym six times a week, and if they don't, then what? Oh, we're probably not going to last, okay, yeah, it's almost like if the relationship is entirely predicated on your leadership yeah, I mean, that's a dangerous game.

Kevin Palmieri:

That's a dangerous game. Yeah, that's. I think that's a good point. That's a good point, again that's, I don't know. These are always challenging episodes because, to alan's point, I think there's truth to all of it. Yeah, you, I mean, if you're in a relationship, you gotta lead, you gotta know when to leave and you gotta know when to follow it 100. But if your only job in the relationship is to lead and you're always setting the pace for everything, and if the other person doesn't keep up with your pace you're always frustrated, that's not going to work. That is not going to work, in my opinion, damn.

Alan Lazaros:

In my opinion. No, no, no, I think it's true. I'm just looking back at my past. It was inevitable. Unfortunately, the growth rates were just too different, and I just wish I understood any of this, that's all. I just wish I understood any of this, that's all. I just didn't understand any of this Same. I remember Emilia I'll share this and I did say that it was going to be the last thing, but it's not.

Kevin Palmieri:

You say that all the time, this will be the last thing. I do say that I still have work to do. You have many works to do.

Alan Lazaros:

I have to go literally right now. Emilia said I'm so afraid to outgrow you. I said, sweetheart, that's my fear too. We're good, we have the same fear. That's something. And core values, core aspirations, core beliefs in conflict. People say agree to disagree. There's certain things like Kevin and I are business partners where there's certain things we have to agree on you can't just oh, yeah, no, no stress, just agree to disagree. Let's just split apart and ruin the company. I do think some of that is very impractical. And again, that's a whole nother conversation because I coach couples. So I see this, I see this behind the scenes, when no one's watching, and I see you better get on the same page. You better get on the same page quick. If you're acquaintances and you see each other twice a year, you're good. You don't have to agree on everything. But if you live together and there's some hefty disagreements, you're going to have to figure that out and that's the messiest, hardest part of life in my opinion. I think relationships are the hardest part.

Kevin Palmieri:

I think success is but relationships aren't easy.

Alan Lazaros:

It's relationships. Doing both simultaneously, can we agree, is the hardest thing ever.

Kevin Palmieri:

I would say, all things considered and again, I don't mean to say this like an asshole, but fitness is pretty easy, all things considered, compared to the other two Kev. You can, brother, agree, how successful can you be in fitness? It's like, give me that one, like, got it. Yeah, got it, because it's just you against you. That's why, yeah, and nothing else in life really seems to be.

Alan Lazaros:

I know Right. No wonder why we're so drawn to it. It's all of our certainty.

Kevin Palmieri:

I can just go be alone in the darkness and I'm in control of most of what happens.

Alan Lazaros:

I know that's so true, I like it Big fan, all right.

Kevin Palmieri:

Okay, if you're looking to be more in control of what happens to your life and you think one of the better ways to do that would be to be surrounded by amazing people, join our private Facebook group, next Level Nation. We'll have the link below in the show notes.

Alan Lazaros:

Book Club is every Saturday. 12 are looking to get more drive, more humility, more hunger, more growth. That's the place to do it. It's an amazing group of people. It might as well be free coaching it's been called free coaching and we talk about these awesome books and we help. The only requirement in book club is that you improve yourself and you improve your life. Join us.

Kevin Palmieri:

The link will be in the show notes as always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and at NLU we do not have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Alan Lazaros:

Keep it Next Level, next Level Nation.

Kevin Palmieri:

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next.

Alan Lazaros:

Level family. We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri:

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

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Kevin Palmieri

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