Next Level University

3 Relationship Fundamentals We All Need To Learn (2104)

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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In this heartfelt and eye-opening episode of Next Level University, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros break down the three relationship fundamentals that have the power to change everything: emotional regulation, ownership, and vulnerable communication. Through personal stories and real talk, they reveal what most people get wrong in love and what leads to a lasting connection. If you want to grow stronger with your partner (or attract the right one), this episode is packed with wisdom to help you get there.

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Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
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Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

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Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(2:49) What it means to be a conscious couple
(4:30) Red flags that ruin relationships
(6:47) Do you inspire each other?
(10:05) Meet your people. Chase your dreams. Level up your life with Next Level Group Coaching. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/
(12:20) Trust, phones, and digital boundaries
(16:00) The three fundamentals of love
(17:54) Why vulnerability is non-negotiable
(18:33) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Kevin Palmieri:

Everything has a formula, as Alan would say, and I know for the vast majority of my life, relationships, specifically intimate relationships, seem close to impossible. You say I was good at them. I wasn't that good at them. I didn't understand the three fundamentals that we're going to talk about today.

Alan Lazaros:

For sure, Most things are simple but not easy once you understand them, and it took me years and years and years and years and years to figure these out. But now that I've figured them out, we can really work on them and master them.

Kevin Palmieri:

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, kevin Palmieri, and I'm your co-host, alan Lazarus. At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life love health and wealth. We bring you a new episode every single day, on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros:

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free. Welcome to.

Kevin Palmieri:

Next Level University, next Level Nation. Today, for episode number 2104, three relationship fundamentals we all need to learn would fix me in many different ways. I assumed I wasn't good enough to attract another partner or sustain another relationship and I definitely had no idea the three fundamentals we're going to talk about today. So I'm going to kick it to you, because you came with these and normally I would just steal them and write them off as my own, but today I'm feeling extra brave.

Alan Lazaros:

People know you're joking when you say that I don't know, but maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

Kevin Palmieri:

It's up to you, it's up for interpretation.

Alan Lazaros:

Kev always says you're not allowed to say just joking. At the end of when you're joking I say, brother, I'm such a serious person I got to say that because otherwise people will think I actually mean it.

Kevin Palmieri:

That's fair. Yeah, I'm more of a jokester for sure, true.

Alan Lazaros:

Even if I say it in a sarcastic tone, sometimes people aren't sure. Okay, I was on a podcast yesterday shout out to mike mike what's happening. He's in our fitness group and he has a podcast called the adaptive man and he interviewed me. And then he interviewed emilia. And then he interviewed emilia and I in the new Conscious Couple studio which took us an entire Sunday to build. So it's looking good.

Alan Lazaros:

And we got into conversations and the topic was what does it mean to be a conscious couple? It means to get off autopilot. It means to look at your patterns individually and collectively. It means to identify where you're growing apart and where you're growing together. And by the end of the interview we only had probably 40 minutes because it took us a long time to set up New studio, new setup.

Alan Lazaros:

It was kind of a shit show and I said listen, I think I'm good to be able to say this, because I didn't understand relationships well. I feel like growing up through high school and college, as I became an adult, I feel like I understood success and achievement fairly well, all things considered. And Kevin and I have been doing I've been doing this, kevin, I think, is going to start doing this I'm doing a Facebook memory of the day on my Instagram story lately and my Facebook story. I'm doing a Facebook memory of the day on my Instagram story lately and my Facebook story and I'm looking back at some of the old content and some of the things that I used to say and that you used to say. It's been fun, but one thing that is fun and terrible.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, some of the posts that I'm reading are cringeworthy, and some of them are. These are really sound principles and this is long before ChatGPT. This is way back eight, nine sound principles and this is long before chat GPT. This is way back eight, nine years ago. And some of these things I'm reading are like yep, that's, that's very solid for success, but when it came to relationships, I never felt good at that at all. So when it came to the inner game, I didn't understand what the hell I was doing. I've been coaching couples on and off for five years now not even on and off for five years straight. Actually. Some clients were on and off, but I said this to Mike and I said this to Amelia. I said because I didn't understand this stuff.

Alan Lazaros:

There's a couple fundamentals that almost guarantee you can't win in a relationship. Let me explain. Kevin and I were playfully joking right before we hit record. I want you to imagine a partner who flies off the handle, can't handle their emotions at all. They fly off the handle, they yell, they scream, they flip out. Often. They take no ownership and they never self-reflect and they never have vulnerable conversations. They aren't able to really go deep into how they're feeling and share things that they're scared to share, how could that person possibly be in a successful relationship?

Alan Lazaros:

Unfortunately, statistically speaking, I think I just described a pretty solid percentage of men, depending on where you live. So in this episode it's the opposite. You only really have to master a couple things, and this is what I was saying to Mike on the show yesterday, and I actually asked Emilia live on the podcast. I said what is it that men don't understand about women? What don't we get? And her answer was men think that women want this strong, tough, never get emotional guy, when in reality what she says is that's what high school girls want. Women actually want a wholesome man. The problem is, when you and I were in high school, which guys got all the girls Badasses? Was it exactly 100% of the? How much? What percentage of the time? Every time, all?

Kevin Palmieri:

the time, every time there was.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, every time. And so the Pareto principle states that 80% of the women want 20% of the men and 80% of the men want 20% of the women, and this is why there's so much shame around success for men and status for men and body image for women, and there's a lot of data around all this. But anyways and this obviously was an interview about couples, heterosexual couples in this case If you master these three fundamentals, you have your chances of succeeding in an intimate relationship. I'm getting really good these days at identifying who's going to win and who's going to lose in a couple areas health, wealth and love.

Alan Lazaros:

I was a fitness coach for many years. Competitor fitness model. I can tell if you're on a good or negative trajectory in fitness. I can tell, myself included. I can tell which is a gift and a pain in the ass, and then love same deal. I'm starting to get to that point where it's oh, cause Kev used to say they're not going to make it, and then, two years later, they wouldn't and I'd go. What were you looking for? Cause I could tell that you could tell and I couldn't. So I needed to understand what you had, that I didn't, what. What are you seeing that I'm not seeing and it's disrespect or entitlement, and I'll let you speak to that right now yeah, right.

Kevin Palmieri:

The second I would say disrespect, entitlement, and any time a partner talks shit about their partner, what are the odds of that? Imagine if every time somebody asked me something about you behind the scenes, I talked shit about you. Is this, you think this is going to work? No, no way. There's no fucking chance. So that that is a. That is a huge red flag. If you're with somebody and they're always talking negatively about their partner. A huge red flag if you're with somebody and they're always talking negatively about their partner. That's. It suggests that they they either don't want to be with them, they have unresolved issues that have not been communicated, or they're just with them for ulterior motives any of those and a bunch of other things.

Alan Lazaros:

But I was on with someone I'll keep it anonymous. This was a couple weeks ago and she wanted to work with me. I said, listen, I'm not even sure I really want to work together and she was talking shit about her husband on the call and I remember thinking and she's like, yeah, he pays for everything. I'm like, wow, you kind of suck a little bit. I kind of I feel bad for him, to be completely honest. Well, it says a lot. It says a lot about somebody else.

Kevin Palmieri:

The way they speak about their partner. I can't hype Taryn up enough. I went to something recently, I went to a wake recently and when I got there they said, oh, taryn texted us and said the sweetest things. And I said that doesn't surprise me. She's unbelievably thoughtful. She's way more thoughtful than I am. She's way better at that than I am. Nothing but positivity, right.

Alan Lazaros:

But I don't know, I don't really think I've ever talked trash about someone when I was in a relationship with them. I remember one time I was talking to you about something that I hadn't talked to you about yet and I was venting. This was like years ago, and I remember right after that I was like, oh, I think that's the first time I've ever gone to kevin first about something that I need to talk to you about this right, and it wasn't talking trash by any means it was.

Alan Lazaros:

It was just something I was going through. I was talking to another guy about it and I after that I was. I gotta go talk to you about this immediately. But in but in the past I've had relationships and this is so wild to think about now where not only was I disrespected, but I think in hindsight there are certain partners that I actually didn't. They didn't inspire me. I never really realized that consciously, but in hindsight it's you didn't really inspire me. Emilia inspires me, like with who she is on her own accord. Even if she wasn't my partner, I would aspire to be with someone like her. There are there are past relationships where I don't feel that way, for sure.

Kevin Palmieri:

I told you there was a why the hell was I doing that? Next level nation. What is happening? If you've thought to yourself, I want to try coaching, but you don't really know where to start, group coaching would be a wonderful place for you. That's really why we created it in the first place. We start a new round every 90 days. So if you're hearing this, go to the website nextleveluniversecom and we have the landing page where you can actually hold your spot right now. Even if there's a group going on right now, you can still lock your spot for the next one.

Kevin Palmieri:

The biggest thing that we've seen is, as we get closer and closer to the date, unfortunately, some people end up missing. The group fills up and they can't do it, and then they end up regretting that. So please head over to the website. The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there. There was a again. It was like a situation ship, but it started as a relationship where I said it's very, it's very dangerous because this person does not expect anything of me and I can just show up, and I don't want that. I don't want to just be able to show up. I want to get better. I want this person to have higher standards for me, so that's important because it's dangerous.

Alan Lazaros:

I'm doing Do they inspire you.

Kevin Palmieri:

I would say their work ethic was inspirational. So it wasn't like a lack of inspiration, it was more a lack of accountability. There was no, no, no, I know.

Alan Lazaros:

But I'm just curious, yeah, selfish question of yeah, yeah, do they inspire you?

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, their work. They had next level work ethic. They were At the time. I think they were like in their. I think I was probably like 28, no 20. I don't know how old I was. I this is always hard Cause it's like I've been with Taryn for X amount of years. I don't know, but they were in their mid twenties. They had a really high income. They worked really hard. That was inspirational to me.

Alan Lazaros:

I never and again, no one taught us this. So it is what it is, but I actually think one of the main indicators of whether or not a relationship will succeed is how much the partners are inspired by each other, like, how much do they inspire you with who they are? That's because that's it yeah, it's almost like is your partner your hero? That's an interesting question. What?

Kevin Palmieri:

my partner, my hero my past partners.

Alan Lazaros:

Some of them were for sure, some of them definitely not, and it's like, wow, I really wish that that was my frame of reference. It wasn't, it was other stuff.

Kevin Palmieri:

Another another good one yeah, a good measure is if you can leave your, if can you leave your phone with your partner and vice versa. Yeah, I know that's seem that's extreme, like you and I it's that's normal. That's extreme, like you and I. That's normal, that's extremely common. I'm telling you right now that is the measure, that is such a measure. That is the measure.

Alan Lazaros:

Tara's using my phone before bed.

Kevin Palmieri:

You and I know each other's password on our phone Same, same Right and I'll always say she'll say well, have to ask yeah ever, if I ever say no, that's bad, dangerous, good yeah I went to bed early one night and her and said hey, can I use your phone for something? I said yeah, and she says you want me to? What do you want me to do? I said whatever you do, whatever, just put on the charger before you come to bed. I get, I get nothing there's. There's nothing that is super rare brother.

Alan Lazaros:

That's super rare I. I've come to realize that coaching couples there's a lot there. There's a lot on the phone. The digital hygiene we call it digital monogamy. Digital monogamy is not a thing and that's. We were on the episode again. This is different than what we were intending on talking about. There's a lot of that lately no-transcript where it's. You got to have these conversations up front about the digital hygiene stuff, like are you okay with this? That's a really important conversation to have, because if you're four years in and all of a sudden it's like hey, I had no idea. Xyz, instagram, whatever porn you name it. And so I told Amelia, I turned to her right in the middle of the interview and I said I'm so glad we had all those conversations early. And so I told Amelia, I turned to her right in the middle of the interview and I said I'm so glad we had all those conversations early.

Kevin Palmieri:

We decided together to set the guidelines up for our own relationship so that there's no betrayal. You know Well, even like what's the word I'm looking for? Not intended, just like received betrayal. That isn't Right. A betrayal is a definition. Yeah, yeah, there's a definition of that. That alan has that I have, that emilia has, that taryn has. That might be different. And 100 liking somebody's half naked person on instagram might be betrayal to one person. It might not be to another person. I gave taryn my phone one time and she was like searching for something.

Alan Lazaros:

She's like there's a lot of girls with bikinis on your on your instagram and I said, babe, I'm telling a lot of girls in bikinis on every guy's, I was I said babe, I'm telling you, yeah, I literally go through and I mark those as do not show me and I swear they show me more.

Kevin Palmieri:

I literally will open my phone on a video of somebody making pizza and just let it run over and over and over and over again because I want them to show me more pizza yeah, now I got a lot of my not interested, it's all, but it doesn't matter. Bikinis yeah, it's almost like oh you're, you are interested wait you are, though yeah, but that's it.

Kevin Palmieri:

I think that's a really a really important thing, because where are you doing misaligned things? Maybe not in person, but definitely if you are, it's if it's either in person or via the interwebs, and the via the interwebs, the window to that is your cell phone. So if you are fucking around hiding your cell phone, you're most likely hiding other stuff too I know we gotta jump.

Alan Lazaros:

There was a client a few years back, maybe a year ago, and I didn't work with her for long for obvious reasons, but I could tell she was testing to see if I was happy in my relationship, but anyways. So back to the three key fundamentals here. It's back to what we said at the top of this episode, which is number one emotional regulation. And this is what I said on the episode yesterday too.

Alan Lazaros:

If you don't master these simple things, you're going to have a really hard time having a successful long-term relationship. Number one is can you regulate your own emotions when you're in a really, really negative state? Halt, hungry, horny, angry, lonely, late and tired. Hungry, horny, angry, lonely, late and tired. If you're any three or four of those at a time, it's going to be really hard for you to emotionally regulate and you're going to end up getting in a fight or something. So you got to take care of yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, you're going to be in a bad state to be in a bad state you're in a bad state, you're going to ruin your relationship, okay, so that's number one.

Alan Lazaros:

Number two ownership, the ability to self-reflect, and go, yeah, that's on me, fair, that's fair. Some people always point outward always terrible idea. And then, and then some people only point inward also dangerous, right. So you gotta find five at that. Drive to five, zero to ten. And then the last one is vulnerable communication, sharing things you're scared to share. From the moment I met emilia five years ago, coming up on six, I think, yeah, coming up on six. From the moment I met her almost six years ago, I have have those moments where it's I don't want to share that and then I go, oh fuck, I have to. Now, in my own head, it's if you don't share it, then you're going to take the coward's way out and that's going to bite you later.

Alan Lazaros:

Like you know that, those moments I'm talking about it comes up and you're like I could, those moments I'm talking about it comes up and you're like I could share, and then you're all the reasons not to share it come up. And then you, you have to. So vulnerable communication. She gave me a vulnerable share two nights ago and it was so much better, so good, of course, all good, and she was making it this whole thing. No, we're good, all good, yeah, uh. But if you can't do that, you just let that ride.

Kevin Palmieri:

You're gonna be disconnected it's gonna it's coming for you eventually. It's coming. It's coming for you eventually.

Alan Lazaros:

It might not be this year, it might not be next year, it might not be five years.

Kevin Palmieri:

It's there, it's. That's a seed that blossoms into something that you don't want. It blossoms into a shit plant. The weeds will take the garden, they will take the garden. That's probably a better way to say it than it's a shit plant. But but it can be a shit plan. All right, we gotta hop. You and I are both three minutes late for a call. It's all good. Anything you want to say quickly before we go?

Alan Lazaros:

dreamliner in the show notes 29. It will make you far more productive. It's a daily journal that is sustainable strong work.

Kevin Palmieri:

All right as always. We love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you. In an nluLU, we don't have fans, we have family.

Alan Lazaros:

We will talk to you all tomorrow, keep it next level, next Level Nation.

Kevin Palmieri:

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next.

Alan Lazaros:

Level family. We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri:

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host