The Key To Happiness Is Not Chasing It… (2119)

In today’s powerful episode of Next Level University, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros break down the surprising difference between happiness and fulfillment. Kevin shares why success didn’t bring him the joy he expected, and Alan explains how meaning, growth, and contribution create a more lasting sense of purpose. If you’ve ever chased the next high only to feel empty afterward, this conversation will help you shift your focus toward what actually brings lasting peace and satisfaction.

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Show notes:
(2:12) Happiness Vs. Fulfillment
(6:10) What fulfillment is made of
(13:03) Contribution and meaning
(18:30) The problem with quick highs
(18:42) Next Level Dreamliner: The planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://a.co/d/9fPpxEt
(30:10) Build a life you don’t want to escape
(33:08) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Chapters

• 2:12 Happiness Vs. Fulfillment
• 6:10 What fulfillment is made of
• 13:03 Contribution and meaning
• 18:30 The problem with quick highs
• 18:42 Next Level Dreamliner: The planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy:
• 30:10 Build a life you don’t want to escape
• 33:08 Outro

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) I say something fairly controversial when I'm on podcast episodes. (0:04) People will say, as a guest on podcast episodes, people will say, oh, you're successful and blah, blah, blah, all this stuff. (0:11) And I'll say, look, I'm not as happy as you think I am.(0:14) I know I look happy. (0:16) I know you're probably assuming if you were me, you'd be super happy. (0:19) I'm telling you that is not the whole truth.

Alan Lazaros

(0:23) There's happiness, which I think is sort of esoteric. (0:28) We don't know if we are or aren't the pursuit of happiness versus achieving it. (0:33) And then there's fulfillment, which I think is meaning and growth and contribution.(0:38) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:41) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri. (0:42) And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus. (0:46) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

(0:52) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:59) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

(1:14) Self-improvement, in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free. (1:21) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:27) Next Level Nation, today for episode number 2,119, the key to happiness is not chasing it. (1:34) There is a viral trend going around on the social medias, and it's a video, and then there's text on top of it that says, you look so much happier. (1:44) And then the person, so usually it's like in a category.(1:47) So if it was a fitness influencer, it might say, you look so much happier. (1:52) And then underneath it would say, as the fitness influencer saying this, thanks, I stopped trying to be a skinnier version of myself. (2:00) Or if it was a business person, they might say, thanks, I delegated all the stuff that I didn't want to do.(2:04) If I was going to do this, this viral trend, at the top, it would say, you look so much happier. (2:12) And I would say, thank you, I'm actually far less happy, but way more fulfilled. (2:18) And that made me think, I feel like that would make for a good episode.(2:21) We haven't talked about happiness versus fulfillment for a long time. (2:24) And when I'm on podcasts, I talk, it is the 4th of fucking July right now, 7 p.m. Do you think I'm happy recording this episode right now? (2:36) No, no.(2:38) But I will be fulfilled. (2:39) I am fulfilled in the process of doing it, and I will be fulfilled after. (2:42) And when I get to the end of the day and I look back, I might have a Guinness tonight.(2:46) We'll see. (2:46) Maybe. (2:47) I might have one.(2:48) I might have a whiskey. (2:48) I don't know. (2:49) Maybe.(2:49) Probably not. (2:50) I might get a little wild. (2:52) I will be fulfilled.(2:53) And I do think that when you look at somebody who has what you value and has what you want, you assume they're happy. (3:01) And I'm telling you, it might not be true. (3:04) What might be surprising to you is they're less happy than you think, but more fulfilled than you think.(3:08) That's my thesis to start the episode.

Alan Lazaros

(3:10) We are going to watch on the projector tonight. (3:16) The Patriot.

Kevin Palmieri

(3:17) The Patriot throwback.

Alan Lazaros

(3:19) Yeah. (3:20) Well, that is obviously a movie based on independence and the war that allowed us to have independence. (3:29) So it's a good appropriate 4th of July.(3:31) Because again, I'm not necessarily someone who follows all the holidays, but I'm a big fan of freedom and independence. (3:39) I think that's free thinking and capitalism and the ability to choose the life that you want. (3:43) Very grateful.(3:44) Very grateful. (3:45) And I'm not necessarily making that a tradition. (3:48) But maybe we will.(3:50) I don't know. (3:51) Maybe I'll pick a film every 4th of July that has some sort of patriotic theme. (3:57) This morning, we went for a walk in the quarries.(4:03) There's... (4:04) You ever been to the quarries? (4:06) I don't think so, no.(4:09) There's this really pristine quarry. (4:13) And I went swimming in it this morning. (4:15) It's the nicest day ever.(4:17) And I went swimming. (4:18) It was straight out of a movie. (4:22) Eagles flying overhead.(4:25) Birds chirping. (4:28) Sun shining. (4:29) Emilia sunbathing.(4:31) Me in this pool. (4:33) It was fucking awesome. (4:35) You could see all the way down to the bottom.(4:37) You could see bass. (4:38) I should have brought my fishing pole. (4:40) And I just went swimming.(4:42) And it wasn't long. (4:43) It was 15 minutes in the little quarry there. (4:46) And the rest of it was exercise.(4:50) But it was awesome. (4:51) So anyways, I just wanted to share that. (4:52) I have no idea why.(4:53) Awesome. (4:54) Thank you so much for that. (4:55) No, I do know why.(4:56) It was fulfilling. (4:58) It was super fulfilling. (4:59) Because we had a conversation after.(5:00) And we were like, we should do that more. (5:02) I said, well, yes. (5:03) And the weather was perfect.(5:06) The weather... (5:07) We were supposed to record Conscious Couples podcast at 11 a.m. And we woke up and we were like, it's perfect outside. (5:13) Oh, you cut out of the office.(5:16) What we did was I said, do you want to move Conscious Couples to tomorrow? (5:21) Because otherwise, we're going to have to exercise tonight. (5:23) We were like, fuck that.(5:25) Because we were at the gym last night until 10 o'clock at night. (5:28) So then we woke up late. (5:29) You know the deal.(5:30) So we moved Conscious Couples to tomorrow. (5:33) We went to exercise. (5:34) And I said, can we go to the quarries?(5:36) And dude, it's nice. (5:37) There's a little spot that you can swim in. (5:39) It's fucking awesome.(5:40) But it was super fulfilling. (5:42) And why was it fulfilling? (5:43) You're stacking things that you love.(5:45) You're stacking nature. (5:47) You're stacking swimming. (5:48) I grew up on the water.(5:49) I love the water. (5:50) I'm obsessed. (5:50) As a matter of fact, her and I were dreaming in the future of having somehow a private lake.(5:57) I don't know how. (5:59) We're going to make it happen somehow. (6:03) And she loves nature.(6:05) We love spending quality time together. (6:06) Plus exercise. (6:08) It was just the best.(6:10) Fulfilling... (6:10) Fulfillment is meaning, I believe. (6:12) Fulfillment comes from meaning.(6:14) It comes from growth. (6:15) It comes from contribution. (6:15) It comes from doing hard things.(6:18) It comes from improving your quality of life. (6:21) People say money doesn't buy happiness. (6:23) However, money does buy the ability to do things that are more meaningful.(6:32) And my question for you, because way back I used to talk about fulfillment all the time. (6:37) And this is the story that I used to open with. (6:38) I'm going to share it here for the new listeners.(6:41) Way back in the day, I had an argument with my mom. (6:44) I was a computer engineer and I thought very differently than everyone else. (6:47) I was often...(6:49) You think too much. (6:52) You worry too much. (6:54) Why do you always got to think?(6:56) Why do you always got to worry about this stuff? (6:58) And I remember thinking, well, you should probably worry more, but whatever. (7:03) My mom and I had an argument.(7:05) And it was an argument. (7:07) And she said, why do you care so much about intelligence? (7:11) Why isn't it enough to just be nice?(7:13) And I remember thinking in my head, oh, that's got to be a dumb question. (7:20) Intelligence is the thing that makes us human. (7:23) What's the difference between you and a dog?(7:25) You've never seen the dog preparing for the retirement. (7:28) A dog can't build a career or a company or a charity. (7:32) Human beings can build things.(7:34) Intelligence is why. (7:36) You take away intelligence and we don't have phones. (7:38) We don't have internet.(7:39) We don't have shelter. (7:40) We don't have bridges or cities. (7:42) We don't have government or private or public businesses.(7:47) We take away intelligence. (7:48) It all goes. (7:50) So obviously now I realize she didn't know what she was really asking.(7:53) But what I said to her back then is I said, because I'm trying to figure out the formula to not end up old and miserable like everybody else. (8:01) That was my early 20s ego version of, hey, all the people I grew up with seem fairly miserable to me. (8:10) They all couldn't wait for Friday.(8:12) They all hated their fucking jobs. (8:14) I remember seeing marriages that scared the hell out of me. (8:18) You guys don't even like each other.(8:20) Never mind, love each other. (8:21) This looks atrocious. (8:22) I know you know what I'm talking about.(8:24) And I remember thinking, I was told when I was in high school, these are the best years of your life. (8:29) And I remember thinking, God, I hope not because this is awful. (8:33) High school was not, I was not a fan until probably senior year.(8:37) I started liking it a little bit. (8:40) And so I got in this argument with my mom and I tried to explain the value of intelligence. (8:45) And the way I explained it was, I'm trying to end up not old and miserable like everybody else.(8:50) I'm trying to figure out the formula because everything's a formula for me. (8:54) And I did, I feel like I figured it out. (8:56) And it took me years.(8:57) It took me my whole life, kind of. (8:59) It was an accumulated compound effect of knowledge, experience and reflection over time. (9:04) I learned from everybody, even if it was what not to do.(9:07) And I remember you and I in our mid 20s, when we first got together, I asked you, you know, how fulfilled are you? (9:13) And you're like, what do you mean?

Kevin Palmieri

(9:15) I didn't even know what that meant.

Alan Lazaros

(9:16) Right. (9:17) And again, I didn't know what vulnerability meant until I was 29, consciously. (9:23) So I was like a couple years in and you and I had been working on being fulfilled because back then that's all we had.(9:30) We weren't very successful. (9:31) So we were working on our character. (9:33) We were doing meaningful work.(9:34) We were serving and we were growing. (9:36) And I believe fulfillment comes from growth and contribution primarily and meaningful work. (9:40) And we had that, luckily, because we were broke.(9:45) And then success is real nice too. (9:48) When I first asked you, I remember you saying, I don't even really know what that means. (9:53) Now you totally do.(9:55) It's hard to explain though. (9:58) Well, that's what I'm going to ask you to do is as someone who hasn't contemplated fulfillment for their entire adult life, how would you explain it to someone who, because I do think that's what everyone should optimize for. (10:11) Genuinely, trust me, I want to be successful and I'm an achiever.(10:15) So I'm all for big goals and success and trophies. (10:19) I think that's important. (10:22) But if you're unfulfilled along the way, that means you have the wrong goals.(10:30) So to me, if you have goals that are aligned with your core values and you have goals that are aligned with what you're meant to do in the world, your calling or your purpose or your mission, I do believe you will be fulfilled along the way, even though it will be atrociously difficult.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:46) I have many thoughts, many thoughts on this. (10:49) This is how I think of it. (10:51) If you said paint a picture, create a visualization for me of happiness versus fulfillment.(10:56) Happiness is throwing microwavable mac and cheese in the microwave, comes out very quick. (11:05) It's hot, it's kind of shitty, but it's easy. (11:10) And then after you eat it, you're like, ah, shit, I could have done better than that.(11:14) I could have done better than that. (11:17) Fulfillment is doing everything. (11:21) You find the cheese, you shred the cheese, you make multiple kinds of cheese.(11:25) You have different kinds of pasta. (11:27) Maybe you even make the pasta at your house. (11:29) You make it yourself.(11:30) You do all of that. (11:32) It's a giant pain in the ass the whole time. (11:34) You grow your own tomatoes.(11:36) Yeah, I don't know anybody who puts tomatoes in mac and cheese, but you do you. (11:40) I'm not going to judge. (11:40) I eat weird shit all the time.(11:42) You sit down and eat it, and you have a moment of pride, and you have a moment of gratitude, and you have a moment of appreciation.

Alan Lazaros

(11:52) And to extend the metaphor, you also have your loved ones gathering around the dinner table to share a magnificent experience together, where you all feel well-fed and grateful.

Kevin Palmieri

(12:08) I like that.

Alan Lazaros

(12:09) Right? (12:09) It's not just about you. (12:10) You can't just cook your own mac and cheese and be fulfilled.(12:12) You've got to contribute to something. (12:16) This is something in nature that I really feel so strongly about. (12:20) Everything in nature that doesn't contribute...(12:23) Let me rephrase it. (12:24) Everything in nature contributes. (12:28) And again, the bees pollinate the other flowers.(12:32) The flowers feed the bees. (12:34) I don't know. (12:36) You know what I'm saying.(12:36) The birds and the bees. (12:38) No, we're not talking... (12:38) You were talking sex?(12:39) Or the birds and the bees?

Kevin Palmieri

(12:41) No. (12:41) The animals? (12:42) You're going to sex me?(12:42) Yeah, bees are super important. (12:44) That's why it's not... (12:44) We can't kill bees because they...(12:46) That's what I'm saying. (12:46) The ecosystem's connected. (12:48) Everything's connected.

Alan Lazaros

(12:49) Economy, ecosystem, same exact thing. (12:51) Yep. (12:51) So the ecosystem needs the trees, and it needs the grass, and the animals eat the grass that the soil gets better when the animals die and their body decay.(13:03) So an ecosystem and the economy are the same thing. (13:07) So people always complain, and I hear them complain, oh, I don't make enough money. (13:11) Well, contribute more.(13:13) When you contribute more to the economy, the economy will pay you more. (13:18) I've got to talk about this. (13:18) I can't get away from talking about the economy with a kid, you know?(13:21) Well, you can't.

Kevin Palmieri

(13:23) Ecosystem is where economy came from. (13:26) Did you know that? (13:27) No.(13:28) Just like I didn't know branding came from when you branded cattle. (13:31) I didn't know that. (13:32) Business stuff.(13:33) It's cool. (13:34) You could just make some stuff up, and I'd believe it, and then I would pass that message on.

Alan Lazaros

(13:37) It makes perfect sense, though, doesn't it?

Kevin Palmieri

(13:38) It does in retrospect. (13:39) You need to know who's cows. (13:40) If you don't...

Alan Lazaros

(13:42) So this is... (13:42) Oh my god. (13:43) Here's my thought.(13:43) Just build a fucking fence. (13:45) Problem solved. (13:46) But the quality of the cows.(13:48) So this is an iPhone, and it has the Apple logo on it. (13:52) And so that you know it's made a certain standard. (13:55) You know a brand is just a certain standard?(13:57) Yeah. (13:57) What toothpaste do you use? (13:58) I use Crest.(13:59) Colgate? (14:00) There you go. (14:01) So you have a certain standard that you like?(14:02) No, whatever. (14:03) They're all the same. (14:04) Whatever's cheapest.(14:06) Okay, let me rephrase. (14:07) They're essentially all the same. (14:07) Let's not do toothpaste.(14:09) They're not the same. (14:10) Emilia gets this ego-friendly toothpaste. (14:13) I say, sweetheart, I can't do it.(14:15) It's terrible. (14:16) I appreciate it, and I respect it. (14:17) I do.

Kevin Palmieri

(14:18) I'm proud of her. (14:19) You're trying to use natural deodorant, right? (14:21) Or you're not using any right now, but are you open?(14:24) If you're open to natural deodorant, I got something for you. (14:27) It's $4. (14:29) It's like cheaper than normal deodorant somehow, and it's the best.(14:32) Nice. (14:33) I got you. (14:34) Send it on over.(14:35) I will.

Alan Lazaros

(14:35) I only see people every once in a while, so I don't wear it unless I need it. (14:40) I probably smell pretty bad next to the whole bunch.

Kevin Palmieri

(14:42) I didn't smell you at all.

Alan Lazaros

(14:43) You didn't? (14:43) No, I didn't smell you at all. (14:44) That's good news.(14:45) I mean, I got other shit to think about.

Kevin Palmieri

(14:46) I did wear some.

Alan Lazaros

(14:47) I did wear some.

Kevin Palmieri

(14:47) I got other shit to think about. (14:48) Whenever I go in public, I do. (14:49) You know, it's not really...(14:49) I wasn't going around, how ripe does Alan smell today?

Alan Lazaros

(14:54) Real quick. (14:55) Yeah. (14:55) Bring this back to fulfillment.(14:56) Yes, please. (14:57) All right. (14:59) Fulfillment, I think, comes down to three things, and then I want you to talk about how you've...(15:06) Because here's the thing, right? (15:07) You're not that happy.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:09) Correct. (15:10) You're very... (15:10) People don't believe me when I say that, though.(15:12) They always try to save me from it. (15:14) It's like, no, you are... (15:16) Listen, I know me better than you know me.(15:18) We just met. (15:19) I'm not that happy. (15:21) I know it can seem devastating, and it makes you question everything you thought about what you were going for.(15:27) I'm telling you, I used to be happier. (15:30) I did. (15:31) Now, when I do have opportunities to multiply happiness, when I get in my car, I'm happier than I used to be because my car is nicer.(15:45) But that fades away immediately when I'm on my way to the gym at 6.15. It's like, fuck this, man. (15:49) This sucks. (15:50) I don't want to do this.(15:51) So I just think it's one... (15:54) Everybody thinks they're going to be happier when they're more successful. (15:57) I don't think that's true.(15:59) Everybody thinks they're going to be happier when they get a new result. (16:01) I don't think that's true. (16:03) I think you are going to be more fulfilled, and you're probably not going to expect that.

Alan Lazaros

(16:08) I have a story that I think articulates this really well. (16:12) Emilia went down to visit her brother who lives in South Carolina. (16:17) This is probably two years ago.(16:20) We were living together. (16:21) I know that. (16:23) And she went down there for four days.(16:24) Her brother and sister were living together down there at the time. (16:27) They're no longer. (16:29) He still lives down there.(16:31) But she went on a trip for four days away. (16:34) And I watched Friends every fucking night, the whole four days. (16:42) And I kept going to bed late because they just run from one to the next to the next.(16:47) And I love that show. (16:48) I do. (16:48) They are lazy as hell on that show.(16:52) They don't work at all. (16:54) None of them have any constructive anything to say about anyone or anything. (16:59) But it's funny as hell.(17:00) I think it's really funny. (17:01) I think it's a fun, family-friendly show. (17:03) I really do.(17:04) One of the best shows ever made, in my opinion. (17:07) But dude, I was running it. (17:09) These are only 20-minute episodes.(17:11) 24 minutes, I think. (17:13) And they run into each other. (17:15) And I was staying up later and later each night.(17:18) Emilia and I missed each other so much. (17:20) She called me on the fourth day. (17:21) We talked.(17:21) We did a little FaceTime date every single night for the four nights. (17:24) And by the fourth day, she... (17:27) I'll say this playfully.(17:28) She was in tears like, I want to come home, playfully. (17:33) And I was like, I'm fucking unfulfilled. (17:35) This is terrible.(17:37) So it was awesome for the first night. (17:39) Yeah, yeah, yeah. (17:39) Of course it was.(17:41) I'm nostalgic. (17:42) I used to watch the show when I was a little kid on actual TVs when it was on cable. (17:46) And I didn't have cable growing up.(17:48) So I had to go to my friend's house to watch it. (17:50) Me and Kiki would watch it together. (17:51) And he's like, dude, this show is awesome.(17:54) It was nostalgic. (17:55) It was awesome. (17:56) Me and Tucker, we're eating food.(17:57) Loving it. (17:58) Got this big fucking huge 70, 83-inch TV in the bedroom. (18:03) Just loving life, right?(18:05) By the second night, I'm like, eh. (18:07) Third night, I'm just... (18:09) This is...(18:09) I gotta stop. (18:10) This is a problem. (18:11) Yeah.(18:11) This is affecting my productivity as a man. (18:13) I have to get myself back here. (18:16) I had to quit.(18:17) I'm not kidding. (18:18) I went four days. (18:19) It took four days.(18:20) If this is not a good idea of what fulfillment versus pleasure and happiness is, from day one to day four, I went from, oh my god, this is fucking awesome. (18:30) I have delicious food. (18:31) I'm snugging with my little Tucker, little Floof.(18:34) And I'm just reruns on friends. (18:36) This is the best thing ever. (18:37) To, oh my god, I have to quit.(18:39) This is addicting. (18:40) And this is ruining my life. (18:43) Hello, hello, hello, NLU listener.(18:45) Thank you, as always, for listening to Next Level University. (18:49) Real quick, I just want to jump in and let you know about the Next Level Dreamliner. (18:53) This is a journal that I use every single day.(18:56) Achieve your dreams 90 days at a time. (18:59) It breaks down your dreams into goals, milestones, and daily habits. (19:04) We hope you enjoy it.(19:05) The link will be in the show notes. (19:09) Everything that feels good in the moment. (19:11) I know.(19:12) I know. (19:12) It sucks. (19:13) Hey, it doesn't change the fact that this is true.(19:16) Everything that feels good in the moment is kind of bad for you. (19:22) It's not good for you. (19:24) Most, most, most, most.(19:25) Yes. (19:26) Thank you. (19:26) Most things.

Kevin Palmieri

(19:27) I can't let, we can't be one or zero on that.

Alan Lazaros

(19:30) Alcohol, drugs, pornography, reruns on shows. (19:35) These things in little doses. (19:37) If I watch one Friends episode a day, is that going to destroy my life?(19:41) No. (19:41) But it's not going to be nearly as good as if you read a meaningful book 20 minutes a day. (19:46) So everything is either constructive or destructive.(19:51) And the extent to which it's constructive or destructive depends on your goals. (19:55) And it depends on meaning. (19:57) So that's why when I watch The Patriot tonight with Emilia, we're going to have a special night, date night tonight.(20:06) It's going to be way more fulfilling than watching reruns of Friends by myself alone, crying myself to sleep. (20:12) I'm obviously being playful. (20:13) I didn't actually cry myself to sleep.(20:15) The point is, is it's meaningful. (20:18) And I do believe fulfillment is a byproduct of meaning. (20:21) And I wish we were taught that, dude, because most people, most of the things that are the most meaningful in life are the hardest.(20:28) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(20:29) Or they're the things you don't want to do. (20:31) This is always my, my thought process. (20:34) And again, sit with me on, I don't mean it in this way, but let's say you got to wake up at five o'clock and you're going and you're standing out and you're volunteering for something.(20:43) Hypothetically. (20:44) I used, when I was in high school, I used to do baseball camps. (20:48) So we would have to get up early and we would go down.(20:50) I was one of the captains of the baseball team. (20:52) So I had to, I had to lead that. (20:53) Right.(20:54) I never wanted to fucking do that. (20:56) Like these kids are ungrateful. (20:58) They don't care.(20:59) They don't fucking want to be here either. (21:00) It's summer. (21:01) But I was always super fulfilled after.(21:03) It was like, that was awesome. (21:04) That was awesome. (21:05) So it's not about wanting to do the thing necessarily.(21:08) I don't ever really want to go to the gym. (21:10) Especially now. (21:10) I don't want to.(21:11) It's bad. (21:12) Yeah. (21:12) I'm looking for excuses.(21:14) But you're always glad you did. (21:15) Every, if, if, if you said, when are you the highest energy throughout the day? (21:23) It's when I get back from the gym.

Alan Lazaros

(21:24) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(21:24) Every time, every time. (21:27) Do you think that happiness and fulfillment can exist at the same time?

Alan Lazaros

(21:34) Yes. (21:34) But the syntax matters.

Kevin Palmieri

(21:36) Okay.

Alan Lazaros

(21:37) Syntax is the order. (21:41) I actually think everything is kind of that way. (21:43) I was on a podcast last night.(21:45) Yeah. (21:45) Last night. (21:46) And he asked me, he said, what are your, what are your thoughts on this whole toxic masculinity thing?(21:51) And I went through the whole thing. (21:53) I said, sometimes I think it is toxic. (21:56) And other times I think you're so afraid to be toxic that you end up being different than who you really are, which in itself is unfulfilling.(22:05) And I went through a whole thing and I said, strengthen warmth. (22:10) You need both. (22:11) But syntax matters.(22:14) Are you all warmth and no strength? (22:17) Because if that's the case, you're probably going to get picked on. (22:19) You're going to be a pushover.(22:20) I've been there. (22:22) But if it's all strength and no warmth, then that's also unfulfilling and you're going to destroy your relationships and you're going to be toxic. (22:29) And so it depends on the syntax.(22:31) So for me lately, if anyone's seen a shift in me, it's strength first, warmth second. (22:36) That's who I am. (22:38) I care more about you reaching your fucking potential than I do about your feelings.(22:41) I just do. (22:42) And I can't do it any other way. (22:46) I opened the meetup last night with that.(22:48) Anyone who attended, by the way, thank you for coming. (22:50) It was fucking awesome. (22:51) I literally had a slide that said, I'm not your friend.(22:55) I'm not here to be your friend. (22:57) I'm here to help you reach your potential. (22:59) Yeah, it was awesome.

Kevin Palmieri

(22:59) I was going to log in from a like incognito account. (23:03) Yeah, put on a fake mustache.

Alan Lazaros

(23:05) Just so that I properly do this, let me actually tell you what I really wrote because I don't want to overdo it.

Kevin Palmieri

(23:10) But it was... (23:11) Hi, I'm Alan. (23:12) I'm not your friend.

Alan Lazaros

(23:13) The whole first five slides were basically a disclaimer of, hey, this is by choice. (23:18) You don't have to be here. (23:20) I only care about your potential.(23:21) If you don't care about your potential, please leave now. (23:24) I think I'm warmth first. (23:26) Yeah.(23:26) I think that's why we work. (23:27) Yeah. (23:28) You're warmth first.(23:30) My fucking computer just died.

Kevin Palmieri

(23:32) It just blue screened off. (23:33) I swear to God, the other one. (23:34) I'm telling you, it doesn't matter because Alan is always talking.(23:38) He's like, dude, I get some of the best laptops on the planet. (23:40) It's like, brother, they fucking suck. (23:42) Both of them are terrible.(23:44) I've heard nothing but bad things about them. (23:47) I gotta restart it. (23:47) Hard reboot.(23:48) I'll be back in five. (23:49) Quick hard reboot. (23:51) Well, you have a MacBook that always works, okay?

Alan Lazaros

(23:54) Yeah. (23:54) That's way more expensive. (23:56) This thing was 700 bucks, okay?(23:57) That's fair.

Kevin Palmieri

(23:58) That's fair.

Alan Lazaros

(23:58) 2,500 bucks.

Kevin Palmieri

(23:59) No, it was not 2,500. (24:01) Yes, it was. (24:02) No, it wasn't.(24:04) This is the cheap... (24:05) I don't think it was 2,500. (24:06) It was 2,500.(24:07) Not a chance.

Alan Lazaros

(24:09) It...

Kevin Palmieri

(24:10) I... (24:10) Look it up. (24:11) Was it really 2,500 dollars?(24:12) Yes. (24:13) Oh, Jesus. (24:14) Alan paid for it.(24:16) Yes, I did. (24:17) Daddy paid for it. (24:18) Thank you.(24:18) You're funny. (24:19) So, let me see if I can pull this up.

Alan Lazaros

(24:21) We paid for it, but you know what I mean. (24:23) Of course. (24:24) Hopefully they...(24:25) Okay, so I have a slide with a little brain lifting weights. (24:30) Overhead press. (24:31) It's a little brain lifting overhead press.(24:33) I said, you are choosing to be here, number one. (24:35) I said, this is a training. (24:36) It says that at the top.(24:37) This is a training. (24:39) This is not for fun. (24:41) We can have fun, but that's not the point.(24:44) You are choosing to be here, number one. (24:46) Number two, I am not here to be your friend. (24:50) Number three, I'm here to push you to new heights.(24:53) I want to push you outside your comfort zone, but not push you out of integrity. (24:58) Everything you learn here, take it in. (25:00) If you're triggered...(25:01) If you're triggered, I totally understand. (25:04) Keep it to your fucking self. (25:05) I'm kidding.(25:06) Um, I didn't say that. (25:08) Don't worry. (25:08) I had someone reach out.(25:10) She said, thank you. (25:11) I'm glad I was able to join. (25:13) Honestly, every time I listen in, it triggers me in ways that I learn about myself.(25:18) The hard truth is sometimes hard to swallow. (25:21) I'm also so grateful for you at Next Level University. (25:25) I said, I gave a lot of trigger warnings in the beginning for that reason.(25:29) The mirrors we must look in to reach the next level aren't pretty. (25:33) And I'm grateful you were able to reflect and learn from last night. (25:37) This is in our monthly meetup group.(25:40) Thanks for the kind words. (25:40) Excited for next time. (25:41) And if anyone has any topic suggestions, send them my way.(25:44) Please do, listeners. (25:46) Please just, of course, realize we may not do them if they're not 10 out of 10 aligned. (25:50) Because sometimes, if we're not passionate about it, if I'm not passionate about it...(25:53) So Kev used to be on the meetups. (25:54) Now I'm running them. (25:56) If I'm not passionate about the topic, it's not going to land.(25:58) Of course. (25:59) So any topic suggestions, please reach out. (26:01) If you want to be in our monthly meetups community, let us know.(26:06) Let's wrap this with a bow.

Kevin Palmieri

(26:09) What's your next level lesson? (26:13) I think if you chase happiness, you end up with regret because happiness is fleeting. (26:19) So you acquire things that serve a purpose in a moment, but they don't sustain.(26:26) Again, I think the car thing is the best example. (26:30) When I get in it, I'm happy. (26:33) But if that was the only source of any positivity I had in my life, I would be in a lot of trouble.(26:39) I would be in a lot of freaking trouble. (26:42) And if I made my entire personality and my entire life and my entire value to the world and my entire significance that one thing, that would be an extremely empty life. (26:54) And there would be very little fulfillment.

Alan Lazaros

(26:55) Yeah. (26:56) And way back when you were putting so much stock and having a hot girlfriend and a sports car and being in shape, you were happier, but less fulfilled. (27:06) And now you're more fulfilled, but less happy.

Kevin Palmieri

(27:08) I think the highs felt higher, but the lows felt lower. (27:12) And honestly, even the highs feeling higher part, the highs didn't last that long. (27:19) I would say the highs weren't higher, but they lasted longer is what I would say.(27:25) That's how I would put it. (27:27) Because the highs are higher now. (27:29) I went to Scotland for two weeks last year.(27:31) That was fucking awesome. (27:33) That was awesome. (27:34) Like there was a lot of happiness there.(27:36) I never knew I was going to be able to do that. (27:38) That's awesome. (27:39) That type of stuff.(27:43) It's higher, but it's almost like, but when I come back, okay, this is what I would put. (27:50) This is why vacation fantasy is so dangerous. (27:54) If you hate your job and you only love vacation, the problem is you go away on vacation.(27:59) By the fourth day, you're probably like, ah, fuck. (28:01) I'm a little sick of this. (28:03) But then you go back to a reality that you don't like.(28:05) Yeah. (28:05) When I go on vacation, I am happy when I'm on vacation and I miss this somehow. (28:11) I don't understand it fully yet.(28:13) And then when I come back, I come back to overwhelm, but fulfillment. (28:17) Yep. (28:18) And it is sustainable to do that.(28:21) I'm not doing this to get to my next vacation. (28:24) That's not why I'm doing it. (28:25) The vacation is just a positive byproduct.(28:28) It's just not. (28:30) It's gravy, baby. (28:30) Yeah, it's not.(28:32) It's not a necessity. (28:34) It's an extra. (28:34) It's a benefit.(28:35) It's an extra. (28:36) It's a byproduct. (28:36) I think that's the biggest difference.(28:38) So happiness is fleeting. (28:41) It is pleasure based. (28:42) It is if then, and it is a fuel that burns very hot, but very quickly.(28:46) And then fulfillment is growth, contribution, reaching your potential, giving back to the world, feeling more whole, feeling like you're having an impact. (28:55) It burns very cool, but you can sustain that fuel source for a long time, as long as you keep doing the right things. (29:02) That would be my very long next little lesson.(29:05) Good stuff.

Alan Lazaros

(29:06) I used to share this. (29:07) I'm trying to, I'm trying to share some stuff. (29:10) I've been doing Facebook memory of the day for a while now, and it's fascinating to go back.(29:16) And some of the fundamentals that I used to share back in the fitness modeling days and stuff were stuff we still talk about. (29:22) One of them is fulfillment. (29:23) I used to say, when you design a life of fulfillment, you don't want to vacation.(29:32) You still can, and it'll be great. (29:34) But I feel like back in the day, there was a time I was a miserable human being, and I was pretending to be happy. (29:42) I was partying.(29:45) Last night in the meetup, I said, raise your hand if you ever did that. (29:47) Pretended to be happy when you weren't. (29:49) And everybody raised their hand, everyone who was on camera.(29:52) And some people who weren't, they did the little zoom hand. (29:56) I said, okay, when you design a life that's around meaning and purpose and growth and contribution, you don't want to escape it. (30:10) You don't want to escape it.(30:12) When you hate your life and you're unfulfilled, like I was, I told the story about going to the theater with Captain Morgan and Mountain Dew and watching Superman back in 2014. (30:22) And Henry Cavill came out of the lake, jacked as it gets. (30:26) I know that I can picture the scene just like yesterday.(30:28) I went into the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror and cried by myself. (30:32) And I poured out the Mountain Dew and Captain Morgan. (30:34) I said, I got to change my fucking life.(30:36) Like, I got to fucking make some changes here. (30:38) Because I am wildly unfulfilled. (30:40) Really successful in corporate, made $180,000 a year, doesn't matter.(30:45) Wildly unfulfilled. (30:47) It's a big turning point for me. (30:48) But I told that story.(30:50) I was unfulfilled and pretending to be happy. (30:53) Tons of friends, high school friends, college friends, corporate friends. (30:56) But deep down, I was unfulfilled.(30:58) When you design a life around meaning and fulfillment, instead of wanting to escape into barbecues and people and alcohol and fun times and pleasure, you don't want to escape. (31:10) You can still go on vacation. (31:12) You can still go to the barbecues.(31:13) You can still have fun on the 4th of July, but you're not trying to escape. (31:16) I want to design a life that's so magnificent that I actually don't want to vacation. (31:21) I still will, but I don't even want to.(31:24) And I'm very grateful to be in a place where the majority of my life is deeply meaningful. (31:29) The majority. (31:30) I'd say it's 95% meaningful, 5% pleasure.(31:35) And it used to be not that at all.

Kevin Palmieri

(31:39) Cool. (31:39) All right. (31:40) All right.(31:40) Next on The Nation, if you're looking for a group of humans who are into this type of conversation, who want to get to the next level, who are willing to look in the challenging mirrors and have the core value of personal development, which very clearly you have, whether you're watching this or listening to this, we have a private Facebook group. (31:56) It's called Next Level Nation. (31:57) There's posts in there every day.(31:58) We'd love to have you. (31:59) Link will be in the show notes. (32:01) Yeah, welcome.

Alan Lazaros

(32:03) I talked a lot about the monthly meetup. (32:05) Thank you to anyone who came. (32:08) The next meetup, we don't have the link yet, but I'm just going to plug it now.(32:12) I'm creating, I have this list in my iPhone of Alan's top reasons why people aren't more successful. (32:18) I feel like a lot of people, pretty much everyone wants to be more successful, healthier, wealthier, and more in love, particularly wealthier lately. (32:26) Lately, a lot of people have money challenges.(32:29) I came up with 30. (32:31) This was on the way to the next Hope Foundation event. (32:33) I came up with 30 while the car was driving me.(32:36) And dude, it took me five minutes. (32:39) There's no goals, unclear goals, too many goals, conflicting goals, lack of self-discipline, lack of self-belief, only short-term goals, only long-term goals, lack of self-worth, bad reference group, lack of skills, lack of knowledge, poor attitude, lack of resources, low work ethic, low IQ, low EQ. (32:52) I'm going to do a monthly meetup on the top 10 reasons I believe more people are not more successful.(32:59) And I'm going to title it something different than that. (33:02) Keep an eye out in the next few episodes. (33:03) I'll have the team create a registration link and you can register.(33:07) Boom.

Kevin Palmieri

(33:08) All right. (33:08) As always, we love you. (33:09) We appreciate you.(33:10) Grateful for each and every one of you. (33:12) And at NLU, we do not have fans. (33:13) We have family.(33:14) We will talk to you all tomorrow. (33:16) Keep it Next Level. (33:17) Next Level Nation.(33:20) Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. (33:24) We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

(33:27) We mean it when we say family. (33:29) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. (33:32) Everything you need to get ahold of us is in the show notes.(33:35) Thank you again.

Kevin Palmieri

(33:36) And we will talk to you tomorrow.