Is Losing Self-Respect Worth Success To You? (2122)

In this powerful episode of Next Level University, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros share a simple framework for making decisions that feel good long-term, not just on paper. They introduce a matrix that maps your goals against your self-respect and explains why saying “yes” to everything can quietly erode your sense of self. With honest insights and relatable examples, this conversation is a must-listen for anyone chasing growth without losing who they are. If you’ve ever felt torn between doing what’s right and what “works,” this episode offers the clarity you need to make aligned, sustainable choices.

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Show notes:
(2:13) A better way to make decisions
(5:08) The matrix: goals Vs. Self-respect
(7:20) When success compromises integrity
(8:57) Meet your people. Chase your dreams. Level up your life with Next Level Group Coaching. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/group
(11:00) Letting go of the s

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) I had a great call with a client today and we were talking about this exact thing. (0:04) I said, I know you're doing it the harder way. (0:07) I know it's most likely going to take you longer, but there is something and something really big to being able to put your head on the pillow at the end of the night and know that you did everything in an aligned way.(0:19) And I think that's you putting self-respect first.

Alan Lazaros

(0:22) I think some people put goals as everything. (0:26) If it's aligned with my goals, I'm doing it. (0:31) Other people put self-respect.(0:33) If it's not aligned with my self-respect, I ain't doing it. (0:36) And I think there's a matrix here of, is it aligned with your goals and good for your self-respect?

Kevin Palmieri

(0:42) Welcome to Next Level University. (0:45) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri. (0:46) And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.(0:50) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

(0:56) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:03) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

(1:18) Self-improvement in your pocket every day, from anywhere, completely free. (1:25) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:31) Next Level Nation, today for episode number 2122 is losing self-respect worth success to you. (1:39) I want to get right into it because this is going to be a quick episode. (1:43) You mentioned a matrix in the beginning, a four-square quadrant.(1:48) Go into that, explain to us what the four-square quadrant is.

Alan Lazaros

(1:51) There's something known in productivity land as the Eisenhower matrix, and it talks about urgent versus important. (1:58) How do you know what to do? (2:00) So if it's very urgent and important, you get it done right away.(2:03) It's the stuff that's important but not urgent that never gets done. (2:07) And in productivity land, there's a TED Talk by a man named Rory Vaden that I really value. (2:13) He said, 3D thinking is urgent, important, and significant.(2:17) What I've come to understand, and I'll define each of those for everybody out there watching. (2:22) Urgent is it needs to be done right now. (2:24) Important is it's very, very, very valuable to you and to your life.(2:29) And significant is it's going to pay off for a really long time. (2:33) This podcast is a great example of that. (2:35) This is urgent because it's dropping tomorrow.(2:37) It's important because it's the one thing, the most important thing that has built this brand and this company and all our listeners and the community and the global and everything. (2:46) And it's significant because it will pay dividends forever. (2:48) That video will be on YouTube forever.(2:51) And again, forever, I'm saying in air quotes because who knows what happens to YouTube, but it'll be on the internet for people to have. (2:58) All right. (2:59) So it's a big part of our body of work.(3:01) Now, for the point of this episode, I actually have come to realize every one of my clients has something. (3:07) I have to rephrase that. (3:08) Almost every one of my clients has something called a golden metric.(3:12) And it's something that I tested on myself first. (3:15) And the golden metric is what's the one thing that could change everything for this person. (3:20) So one of them is Sigma Leader, which is basically being a transformational leader.(3:25) One of them is make it obvious because they usually shell up and don't want anyone to know that they're great. (3:29) That's mine. (3:30) One of them is social courage.(3:32) So in this episode, the matrix that I used in Book Club this past Saturday is the Y-axis is self-respect. (3:42) Which one is the Y?

Kevin Palmieri

(3:45) The vertical line. (3:47) It doesn't make any sense to me because you think it would go X, W, X, Y. (3:52) So you think X would be the first one you read left to right, you know?

Alan Lazaros

(3:56) So X is horizontal and Y is vertical. (4:00) It's dumb. (4:01) If anyone's ever seen, this is total side tension, but that's what we're doing lately.(4:05) There's a movie called Brother Bear back in the day that I loved when I was a kid. (4:09) And they play I Spy with my little eye, the two moose in the movie. (4:15) And they're on this adventure and basically they keep saying, I spy with my little eye, tree, tree, tree.(4:22) And they call it a vertical log. (4:24) I don't know why I just thought of that. (4:25) Like vertical log, tree.(4:27) Yeah. (4:27) So anyways, the Y-axis, I just thought vertical log. (4:32) Emily and I have an inside joke about it because I showed her the movie.(4:34) Okay. (4:36) X and Y-axis. (4:37) The X-axis is goals.(4:40) Zero to 10. (4:42) The Y-axis is self-respect. (4:44) Zero to 10.(4:45) I'm going to explain this for me. (4:47) I want everyone thinking of themselves. (4:48) Okay.(4:50) For me, I've talked about how in the past I never didn't have goals. (4:56) And so what I do and don't do is very, very, very predicated on something I'm reverse engineering. (5:04) The goals that I'm reverse engineering.(5:06) So in book club, I drew this out for everybody. (5:08) And I said, the upper right quadrant is an obvious yes. (5:12) It's good for my self-respect and it's good for my goals.(5:15) So it's a 10 out of 10 for self-respect, 10 out of 10 for goals. (5:17) That's an obvious yes. (5:18) That's green.(5:19) It's a green box. (5:20) That's the green box. (5:21) Upper right quadrant.(5:23) The bottom right is the danger zone for me. (5:27) Because if it's good for my goals, but bad for my self-respect, I in the past would do it anyway. (5:33) What's the label?(5:34) So the top right is aligned. (5:36) Obvious yes. (5:37) Obvious yes.

Kevin Palmieri

(5:38) Okay. (5:38) Bottom.

Alan Lazaros

(5:38) Yes. (5:39) Bottom right would be danger zone, which is bad for self-respect, but good for goals. (5:45) I don't think that's true for everyone.(5:46) I'm using me. (5:47) Okay. (5:47) Okay.(5:47) Yeah. (5:48) I'll explain the upper left quadrant. (5:51) I actually think most people statistically speaking are good at.(5:54) The upper left quadrant is it's good for self-respect, bad for goals. (5:57) I never do that. (6:00) And I, in book club, I talked about, I want to go for a walk right now.(6:03) That's good for my self-respect, but it's not aligned with my goals. (6:06) So I never do it. (6:08) And everyone in book club's going, what the hell?(6:11) I never do anything that's good for me if it's not aligned with goals. (6:15) Almost ever. (6:16) Very rarely.(6:17) I don't want to say never, but almost always. (6:21) So upper left is maybe I should. (6:24) It's yellow.(6:25) It's not good for my goals. (6:27) So it's not optimal, but it is good for my self-respect. (6:30) So maybe I should do it.(6:31) So Emily and I went swimming again this morning. (6:33) That was not good for my goals. (6:34) I mean, yeah, we exercised.(6:36) So kind of, but not really. (6:38) I should be weight training. (6:39) Let's be real.(6:40) Come on. (6:41) But it was good for my self-respect because we had a great time.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:44) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(6:45) Michael Phelps out here. (6:46) Yeah. (6:46) You know, the quarries are awesome, but anyways, upper right is good for goals.(6:50) Good for self-respect. (6:51) Obvious. (6:51) Yes.(6:52) Upper left is maybe I should. (6:53) Bottom right is danger zone. (6:55) You probably shouldn't.(6:56) And we use an example of there's someone in group coaching that we think could be a good fit, but we're not certain it might hurt our self-respect to try to chase and convince. (7:07) And we're not about that. (7:08) So we have nine people right now.(7:10) We're waiting on a couple people. (7:12) We're going to fill the thing, but you and I are always thinking about, okay, well, that's good for goals. (7:16) Filling the group is good for goals, but what if we fill it with the wrong people?(7:20) See, that's bad for self-respect and we're done with that shit. (7:23) But in the past, I didn't understand this because self-respect wasn't even part of my decision-making paradigm. (7:30) And then the bottom left is an obvious.(7:32) No, it's bad for self-respect and bad for your goals. (7:35) Do not do that. (7:36) Binge drinking is bad for self-respect and bad for your goals.(7:40) That's called being unintelligent. (7:42) Don't do it. (7:43) And all of us have a decision-making paradigm.(7:47) We just don't call it that because it's subconscious and unconscious, but everyone's calculating everything. (7:51) But what they're, it's called a cost value analysis. (7:55) So when AI comes up with an answer, it's doing a cost value analysis.(7:59) All human brains are doing that too. (8:00) That's actually how AI is built based on our study of the brain and how computers are built too, by the way. (8:07) But what I'm trying to help people do is figure out what their X and Y-axis is.(8:12) Because everyone's different. (8:13) That's actually what I'm doing in coaching now. (8:15) Yours doesn't need to be self-respect first, I don't think.(8:19) I think that sometimes you'll make a self-respect sacrifice for income, for money. (8:27) So I do think that's your kryptonite. (8:30) Everybody has a kryptonite.(8:31) For me, I'll do it for love or for acceptance or for not being villainized or for being attacked or for my goals. (8:36) And usually my goals, so I'll get off the soapbox here in a second, but I used to have a goal of, I want 25 clients. (8:43) I stopped that shit now.(8:45) Because in order for me to get 25 clients, I might end up with 25 clients and one or two of them is really bad for my self-respect. (8:53) So now I don't, I'm not going to coach anyone that's bad for my self-respect, quite frankly.

Kevin Palmieri

(8:58) Next level nation, what is happening? (9:01) If you've thought to yourself, I want to try coaching, but you don't really know where to start. (9:07) Group coaching would be a wonderful place for you.(9:09) That's really why we created it in the first place. (9:11) We start a new round every 90 days. (9:14) So if you're hearing this, go to the website, nextleveluniverse.com.(9:18) And we have the landing page where you can actually hold your spot right now. (9:22) Even if there's a group going on right now, you can still lock your spot for the next one. (9:27) The biggest thing that we've seen is as we get closer and closer to the date, unfortunately, some people end up missing.(9:33) The group fills up and they can't do it. (9:35) And then they end up regretting that. (9:36) So please head over to the website.(9:38) The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there. (9:43) It's almost, I was thinking if we had like a label of aligned martyr escape and whatever, whatever, because I think that's, I think a lot of people are martyrs when it comes to, I'm going to help somebody at the expense of myself. (10:00) I feel like that's super common.

Alan Lazaros

(10:02) Yeah, agreed. (10:03) Why are we smiling? (10:04) In fact, I just realized that that quadrant that I just described might actually be the victim villain hero guide.(10:10) A villain does something for his goals or her goals, even if it's bad for their self-respect and bad for the world. (10:18) A victim doesn't do anything that's good for self or goals. (10:22) And then the hero is trying to do, no, that wouldn't make sense.(10:26) No, because the hero is the person who is doing it for, for the world at the expense of self. (10:34) So everyone cancels out everything I just said. (10:36) None of that's real.(10:37) But the victim villain hero guide thing is the victim has low self-belief and low self-worth. (10:42) The villain has inflated, entitled self-worth and thinks they're the hot shit and they deserve everything by default. (10:49) And the hero is trying to give at the expense of themselves all the time to try to save the world or save others.(10:55) And then the guide is actually someone who filters their decision making through what's good for them and for others.

Kevin Palmieri

(11:00) Well, that's an interesting conversation. (11:02) We don't have time to do it today, but that's an interesting conversation of what if it gets to the point where your goals aren't good for you anymore? (11:08) I like the client I had today is just a super type a high achievers, the most next level.(11:15) And she said, I kind of am getting at the place where I'm, I'm 40 now. (11:19) And I, I don't know if I want to grow as much as I thought I did. (11:25) And it's like, she has more clients than she can handle.(11:28) She just raised her prices, all good things. (11:31) And I said, I think you have to understand internally, you have to let go of the fact that if you stop serving certain people, they essentially will be lost for a while and you have to be okay with that. (11:41) And she said, I know, I know.(11:43) And I said, that's, that's where you are.

Alan Lazaros

(11:46) Your, does she have the bleeding heart of wanting to see everyone win?

Kevin Palmieri

(11:49) Yeah. (11:49) Yeah. (11:50) And she's in the thing is she's capable of doing it.(11:52) That's the thing is she's very skilled so she can do it, but that's a dangerous place to be. (11:58) They're all dangerous places to be. (12:00) But I think that one is really dangerous because you get a sustainable amount of success and it's almost like, well, eventually I'll get self-respect.(12:08) It's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. (12:09) You won't know. (12:10) Cause what you're doing is actually taking away self-respect and you don't know it because you don't understand what triggers it or yeah, it's been, this has been a journey for sure.(12:22) This has been a journey for sure. (12:24) And it's so easy to take this too far. (12:27) Oh, okay.(12:27) We're going to go on every podcast. (12:29) It doesn't matter if you have one episode or a thousand episodes. (12:31) It doesn't matter if you have one listen or a million listens, we're going to come add value.(12:34) And then eventually it's like, this person doesn't value me at all. (12:39) I know. (12:39) Is this fucking with me?(12:41) Should I be, do I want to add value and I don't ever want to get too good for anything, but is that actually hurting me? (12:47) And it becomes this whole thing.

Alan Lazaros

(12:49) I have been terrible at this. (12:50) This is not something I was aware of. (12:53) Genuinely, it is alarming how bad I was at the, the self-respect on the Y axis was never the case for me.(13:01) That's new. (13:01) That's brand fucking new. (13:03) Um, and it's going to change my entire life.

Kevin Palmieri

(13:05) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(13:05) Because I'm actually filtering it. (13:07) I'm not joking, dude. (13:08) I never do the, maybe I should call them of it's good for self-respect, but not necessarily good for goals.(13:15) I never even consider those things. (13:17) It's not part of my decision-making process. (13:21) What would be another good example of that?(13:22) Good for self-respect, but not good for goals.

Kevin Palmieri

(13:25) Good for, uh, let's see. (13:26) Good for self-respect. (13:27) You go to the gym, you're supposed to do a certain workout.(13:29) There's a hot girl in the corner. (13:31) You do a workout near her instead. (13:33) It makes you feel really good about yourself, but you're not hitting the legs like you're supposed to.(13:36) I would never do that. (13:37) I would never do that. (13:38) That's a common one for sure.

Alan Lazaros

(13:40) I also, that would hurt my self-respect to change what I'm doing because I'm hot girl. (13:44) That would hurt myself. (13:45) So I think that might be different.(13:47) Well, I think that's going for taking a, um, taking a walk just because I feel like it. (13:57) Would that help my self-respect maybe or something? (14:00) It's interesting.(14:01) I would not do that unless it was aligned with my goals. (14:04) I walk a lot more when I'm in a cut because, and this is something that hopefully I know we got to go. (14:12) Anyone out there watching or listening, I actually think most people don't have goals in theirs.(14:17) So I think a lot of people have self-respect in their paradigm, but they don't have goals in their paradigm. (14:23) And I've been, and again, I don't want this to come off wrong, but I need to be honest. (14:28) If you don't have clear goals, you of course are not, it might actually hurt your self-respect to not ever do anything that's constructive for your future.(14:40) I know some people that don't ever do anything that's good for their future, like never. (14:46) And that's destroying their self-respect. (14:48) So there's a line here for me.(14:50) Yeah. (14:51) Going for a swim when I could be preparing for my first business coaching session is good for my self-respect because normally what I always do is sit in a dark office to make sure that goes well. (15:06) But for someone else who only ever swims, or metaphorically, they need to get their shit together with their goals.(15:13) And so that's why when I'm coaching people, this X and Y axis needs to be completely predicated on each individual.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:19) And there's a whole nother wrinkle to it where the other person respect. (15:27) So if you're willing to sacrifice your own respect for somebody else's respect, that's a whole nother fucking conversation.

Alan Lazaros

(15:33) And dude, it all depends how you're wired. (15:38) Yeah. (15:38) I don't even know if I know anymore.(15:39) I'm trying to figure this out. (15:41) How much people, cause I never thought in the past that you cared what people think, but now I know you care what people think way more than we thought. (15:50) So it's but you also don't, I know I do.(15:54) So I do less in a weird way.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:57) It's like, that's the paradox. (15:59) That is the part. (15:59) All right.(15:59) We get a hop because I have a podcast breakthrough session speaking of doing things and Alan has something to do. (16:04) So maybe we'll do a part two. (16:05) I'd like to do a part two on this potentially when you and I can talk about it behind the scenes.(16:09) If you are struggling with keeping up with sustainable journaling five minutes a day, next level dreamliner, look, journaling is great for self-awareness. (16:16) You can write down your most important wins, most important improvements, your big three for the day, all of that happy jazz. (16:21) It's on Amazon.(16:22) We'll have the link in the show notes.

Alan Lazaros

(16:24) Also, we have a book club every Saturday, 1230 PM Eastern standard time willpower by Roy Baumeister and John Tierney. (16:31) The chapter we're on this Saturday, chapter four, decision fatigue. (16:35) This book will change your life.(16:37) I was listening to it to prepare for this Saturday, this morning before my first business coaching session, after the swim. (16:44) And I'm just sitting there going, this book is so fucking good. (16:49) We didn't learn about decision fatigue at all in college or high school or anything.(16:54) And you do make bad choices at the end of the day. (16:58) You just do. (16:59) You don't have the willpower to be conscientious and use your prefrontal cortex.(17:02) It's a scientific neuroscientific fact. (17:05) It's not a scientific neuroscientific, it's a fact. (17:08) And I don't think anyone's thinking about that really.(17:11) I think I'm in this phase in my life now where I'm realizing how few of us are actually learning the fundamentals of our brain and how it works. (17:20) You're not going to win in life if you don't understand willpower, how to build it, how it works, how to make effective choices, how to be intelligent, how to have a cost value analysis. (17:32) It's just really important.(17:34) So if you, here's what I promise you, you come to book club, it will change your life. (17:37) I can't promise it'll be fun. (17:38) I can't promise you won't want to be somewhere else at a barbecue on a Saturday.(17:43) I can promise you your future will thank you. (17:46) Boom. (17:46) Do it for your future.

Kevin Palmieri

(17:47) As always, we love you. (17:48) We appreciate you. (17:49) Grateful for each and every one of you.(17:50) And at NLU, we don't have fans. (17:52) We have family. (17:52) We'll talk to you all tomorrow.(17:54) Keep it Next Level.

Alan Lazaros

(17:55) Next Level Nation.

Kevin Palmieri

(17:58) Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. (18:02) We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

(18:05) We mean it when we say family. (18:07) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. (18:10) Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.(18:13) Thank you again, and we will talk to you tomorrow.