The #1 Lesson From 5 Years Of Coaching Couples (2135)

What you ignore now could cost you later. In this episode, Kevin and Alan break down what truly makes or breaks a relationship. Drawing from years of coaching experience, they share honest stories, practical advice, and a message that might just change the way you see your partnership. It’s real, it’s relatable, and it’s worth the listen.

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NLU is not just a podcast; it’s a gateway to a wealth of resources designed to help you achieve your goals and dreams. From our Next Level Dreamliner to our Group Coaching, we offer a variety of tools and communities to support your personal development journey.

For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email. We’re here to support you in your personal and professional development journey.

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Show notes:
(3:13) Core values in conflict break relationships
(5:02) Why “agree to disagree” fails long-term
(7:07) At NLU, your success is our purpose. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month for tools, insight, and the spark to move forward. https://us06web.zoom.us/meeting/register/NzwOxCMxTDyRJg4CLJS1qg
(9:01) When love isn’t enough to stay together
(10:07) Real alignment is the foundation of fulfillment
(12:32) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Chapters

• 3:13 Core values in conflict break relationships
• 5:02 Why “agree to disagree” fails long-term
• 7:07 At NLU, your success is our purpose. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month for tools, insight, and the spark to move forward.
• 9:01 When love isn’t enough to stay together
• 10:07 Real alignment is the foundation of fulfillment
• 12:32 Outro

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) You ever ask somebody for relationship advice and they give you an answer and it's like it's very clear and abundantly clear that you've never had a successful relationship in your life because that is some of the worst advice I have ever been given. (0:12) The goal in today's episode is to do the opposite of that.

Alan Lazaros

(0:15) We just talked on the last episode about an optimal stopping problem. (0:20) The number one thing I've learned is that if you have core beliefs, core values, and core goals in conflict, it's going to be very, very hard to grow together and not apart.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:33) Welcome to Next Level University. (0:35) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri. (0:37) And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.(0:40) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

(0:47) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:53) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

(1:09) Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free. (1:16) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:21) Next Level Nation today for episode number 2,135, the number one lesson from five years of coaching couples. (1:29) I didn't do that. (1:30) That wasn't me.(1:30) I coach podcasters. (1:32) And I've been coaching podcasters for five years, which has been wonderful. (1:35) But Alan and Amelia have coached couples for the last five years.(1:38) Almost five years. (1:39) I rounded up. (1:40) Almost five years.(1:40) Well, if it's four and a half or over, it's five years. (1:43) It is over four and a half. (1:44) Five years it is.(1:45) Okay. (1:46) You kind of gave it away in the fucking cold open. (1:48) Okay.(1:49) That's what I do, baby. (1:50) So, do you want to use, is that the number one lesson or do you have a backup lesson?

Alan Lazaros

(1:54) That is hands down it. (1:56) So, this is the best metaphor I've got. (1:59) Okay.(1:59) When I was in my early 20s, I drove across country from Boston to Los Angeles. (2:05) And I want everyone to assume Kevin's coming with me on a road trip. (2:11) We're going to go from Boston to LA, baby.

Kevin Palmieri

(2:13) I hate LA. (2:14) No offense to you in LA. (2:16) I'm not a fan.(2:16) It was not my favorite place.

Alan Lazaros

(2:19) Same. (2:20) Lived there for long enough to know I never want to live there again. (2:23) But anyways, so, and for the LA listeners, we're sorry.(2:27) Well, and also you would probably hate Boston too. (2:29) So, it's all good. (2:30) All good.(2:31) So, you and I take the same car. (2:34) And what's music that you love that I hate? (2:36) I don't know.(2:37) I don't know if it exists. (2:39) Yeah. (2:39) Agreed.(2:39) This is not going to work.

Kevin Palmieri

(2:41) I like, I listen, I like, I like to listen to sports talk radio. (2:45) You wouldn't want, you wouldn't want to.

Alan Lazaros

(2:46) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(2:46) You're not a fan with that.

Alan Lazaros

(2:47) All right. (2:48) So, Kevin wants to listen to sports talk radio. (2:50) This is a five day drive.(2:52) And we, we, I'm talking took naps in between. (2:54) Like the earliest you could do this is probably three and a half days, I think. (2:58) I don't know what the record is, but it's, it's not an easy drive.(3:01) So, imagine five days for just numbers sake, Kevin and I in a car together. (3:05) We have a core value in conflict. (3:07) He wants to listen to sports talk radio the whole time.(3:10) Guess what? (3:11) Can't take the same car. (3:13) That's a metaphor for intimate relationships that have a core value in conflict.(3:18) Now, a lot of times it's not a big deal. (3:21) Okay. (3:21) Well, she wants me to, you know, put the seat up.(3:24) That's one of the typical ones. (3:27) She showers every day. (3:29) I don't, I smell.(3:30) I'm joking. (3:31) These are hypotheticals, seriously. (3:33) But that's what I've noticed in five of coaching couples is core values in conflict.(3:38) Now there's non-negotiables and there's negotiables. (3:41) So, if I smoked cigarettes, Emilia, that would be a hard no for her. (3:47) That would be a, absolutely not.(3:49) As a matter of fact, let me share this with everybody. (3:52) I'm a big fan of Reese's huge fan.

Kevin Palmieri

(3:54) Nice.

Alan Lazaros

(3:55) Now I only get them around Easter because there's these Reese's cups that are bomb.com in these Easter eggs. (4:02) Put them in the freezer. (4:03) If you put Reese's in the freezer, I put my chocolate in the freezer.(4:06) It is what it is. (4:08) And every time I eat these Reese's from the freezer, it smells like cigarettes for her, which probably is alarming considering what they're putting in there. (4:16) But the point is, if I smoked cigarettes, Emilia, that would be a hard no for her.(4:22) That's a core value in conflict. (4:24) That's a non-negotiable. (4:25) That will destroy your relationship.(4:26) The number one lesson that I've learned from coaching couples for five years, almost five years, is if you have goals, core values, or beliefs that are in conflict, that constantly destroy the foundation that you're building together, you're in so much trouble. (4:49) And I'm going to give you an example. (4:53) Emilia, one time in our relationship, she said, well, no worries.(4:56) Let's agree to disagree. (4:57) I said, sweetheart, that's some crap right there. (5:00) I didn't say it like that.(5:02) But this agree to disagree thing, that works for acquaintances. (5:07) If Kevin wants to smoke cigarettes and get blasted and do drugs and not work hard, that's fine. (5:15) We can be acquaintances.(5:17) You should have seen his face on the camera if you're on YouTube. (5:20) We can be acquaintances, but we can't be business partners. (5:22) And we certainly can't be...(5:24) I can't smoke a dart occasionally.

Kevin Palmieri

(5:26) If I want to smoke a dart every once in a while, get a little drunk. (5:29) Okay. (5:30) You know, brother.(5:32) No drugs.

Alan Lazaros

(5:32) Let me make my point. (5:33) Sorry. (5:34) But let's be real.(5:35) Let's say I decided to go completely off the rails, stop tracking habits, stop tracking metrics, stop showing up to recordings, stop, stop, stop, and just go completely. (5:44) You have to get a new business partner.

Kevin Palmieri

(5:45) Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Alan Lazaros

(5:46) Just like if you were Taryn did the same thing, you'd have to go get a new intimate partner. (5:50) That is what I've found. (5:52) At all times, every couple is growing together or growing apart.(5:55) So this agree to disagree thing, on little things, of course. (5:58) Oh, agree to disagree. (5:59) It's not a big deal.(5:59) Okay. (6:00) You want takeout. (6:00) I don't.(6:01) Okay. (6:01) No big deal. (6:01) Let's compromise.(6:02) People say compromise. (6:03) I say integrate. (6:06) What I've found is a lot of couples tell themselves a story that you can agree to disagree.(6:11) This is why during elections, and I'm talking just in the US, the 2024 election in the US, I mean, the divorce rates skyrocketed. (6:21) And the reason why is because women statistically, I'm just going to go on the statistics of this. (6:26) We don't talk politics on the podcast, but the statistically women were very upset statistically, and men were not with the outcome of the election.(6:36) Okay. (6:36) Not getting into any politics. (6:37) What I will say is that the clients that we coached, when one person wanted a certain person and another person wanted another, there were core fundamental beliefs about the way women should be treated and respect and empowering women.(6:51) Remember, a hundred years ago, women couldn't vote. (6:55) Women have been wildly disempowered for all of human history. (6:59) I mean, this is insanity.(7:01) So I get it. (7:02) I get it. (7:03) Seriously, the ladies that are pissed off, you should be.(7:06) I get it. (7:08) NLU listener, what is happening? (7:11) I just wanted to jump in here and let you know, if you want to get to the next level faster, we have a free virtual monthly meetup at the first Thursday of every month.(7:19) You can connect with like-minded people and become a bigger part this amazing global community. (7:25) The link to register will be in the show notes. (7:29) Now, that, you can't agree to disagree on certain things.(7:34) No. (7:34) There are fundamental things that are, listen, if you want to agree to disagree, you better do it as an acquaintance. (7:42) If you live together, and I told Emilia this, we live together, sweetie.(7:46) We're going to need to integrate this. (7:49) If you adore nature and you want to go on adventures, we're going to have to figure out a way to do that. (7:54) You're not going to live with me for the next 50 years unfulfilled because I don't really feel like going.(8:01) That's bullshit, man. (8:03) You have to be willing to work on the relationship and you have to identify the goals, core values, and core beliefs in conflict. (8:13) One thing, I have leaned into being an achiever.(8:17) Fortunately, she's an achiever too. (8:19) I had dated some people in the past that were not achievers and they didn't have goals. (8:26) And they would be very frustrated with me that I wasn't available.(8:30) And in hindsight, if I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would say, Alan, I know that you care about this person deeply. (8:36) I know that you are in love. (8:38) I know that she loves you, but brother, no fucking chance.(8:42) You don't love you enough to go and be all of who you are. (8:48) And you can only spend your life for so long being a shell of yourself. (8:52) And the truth is this other person wants a partner who's available all the time.(8:57) And you are never going to be that guy. (9:00) And until you are mature enough to actually own that and move on, everyone's going to suffer. (9:07) So very hardcore.(9:09) We do relationship talks coaching. (9:11) We've been doing it for, like Kevin said, five years. (9:14) I am not saying everyone should split up.(9:16) That is not what I'm saying at all. (9:17) What I am saying is you have to find a way to identify core values, goals, and beliefs that are in massive conflict. (9:26) And it takes vulnerability and courage to really talk about them.(9:30) And what you find is, holy crap, we actually can make each other better because it turns out my belief about that was actually a little off. (9:37) And Kevin and I do this all the time. (9:39) For sure.(9:40) You've helped me understand some things that I didn't. (9:43) I've helped you understand some things that you didn't. (9:45) And along the way, there were minutes and moments of compromise.(9:49) But for the most part, we always figured out how to integrate. (9:52) And I talked to Kevin very, very openly. (9:54) I said, brother, if you don't want to work six days a week, seven days a rest of your life, I understand.(10:01) But I do. (10:03) And we need to understand what that means for our business. (10:05) And maybe we need to change some things.(10:07) So an intimate relationship is a partnership. (10:11) And unless you're, you know, in like three months of a relationship, and you don't take it super seriously, but this is a life partner. (10:20) And this is someone that you're choosing to do life with.(10:23) And if there are some massive, massive goals, core values and core beliefs in conflict, you are that will but it's ugly head eventually, it just will. (10:34) And I've seen that time and time again. (10:35) So super vulnerable for me to share all that.(10:38) But Candyland is not real. (10:42) You need to integrate and you can't just compromise who you are for 50 years. (10:48) And you can but you're not gonna be fulfilled.(10:51) And I don't think that that's what's best. (10:53) It's a great lesson. (10:54) I think it's a great lesson.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:56) Five years of lessons in 10 minutes. (11:03) Not bad. (11:03) Maybe I'm gonna change I might even change the title of this episode to that.(11:07) Five years of relationship advice in 10 minutes. (11:09) Oh my goodness, what a fire title. (11:11) We got to go we got to go I got to I got a fucking podcast breakthrough session with an amazing human in one minute.(11:16) What's your next level lesson from what I said? (11:17) My next level lesson is it makes total sense. (11:22) Yeah, if I want to order out and Taryn doesn't, or I want a certain thing and she doesn't, it's like whatever, I'll suck it up for tonight.(11:28) It's not that big of a deal. (11:29) It's not gonna matter tomorrow. (11:30) If it's gonna matter in five years, you got to find a way to connect on it.(11:35) Because if it's gonna matter in five years, it's gonna matter both to both of you more than it does today in five years.

Alan Lazaros

(11:41) Yeah, we call it a wedge. (11:43) And the wedge gets bigger over time if you don't deal with it when it's small.

Kevin Palmieri

(11:47) Makes sense. (11:49) Cool. (11:49) All right.(11:50) Next level nation. (11:51) If you are looking for relationship coaching, as a couple, Alan and Amelia do that. (11:56) What's the best way to connect with you guys?

Alan Lazaros

(11:59) DM me on Instagram at a Lazarus 88 and and or email me out at next level universe.com. (12:05) All of which will be in the show notes. (12:07) Just DM me say relationship talks coaching.(12:09) The first one's free. (12:11) Cool. (12:11) Alright, so there's that.

Kevin Palmieri

(12:12) And then what else do we have? (12:15) The Dreamliner. (12:16) We've been talking about the Dreamliner a lot lately because it is awesome.(12:20) And we get a lot of really good feedback from people on it. (12:24) So if you're looking for a sustainable journal, we'll have the link in the show notes for that as well. (12:27) It's on Amazon.(12:28) It'll come right to your house. (12:28) Awesome. (12:29) Win-win.(12:29) You don't have to leave the house. (12:30) You get a new journal. (12:31) We love that.(12:32) We love that. (12:32) All right. (12:32) Cool.(12:32) As always, we love you. (12:33) We appreciate you. (12:34) Grateful for each and every one of you.(12:35) And NLU, we don't have fans. (12:37) We have family. (12:37) We'll talk to you all tomorrow.(12:39) Keep it next level. (12:40) Next level nation. (12:43) Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University.(12:47) We love connecting with the next level family.

Alan Lazaros

(12:50) We mean it when we say family. (12:52) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. (12:55) Everything you need to get ahold of us is in the show notes.(12:59) Thank you again. (12:59) And we will talk to you tomorrow.