Why Is Belonging So Important? (2150)

To grow is to glow, even if you go alone. In today’s episode, Kevin and Alan open up about their lifelong struggles with belonging and how being different has shaped their identities, careers, and relationships. They talk through what it’s like to feel out of place in everyday situations, the pain of being misunderstood, and the choice to pursue growth even when it costs connection. Whether you’ve always felt like the outlier or you're starting to outgrow your current circles, this conversation is a reminder that your difference might just be your greatest strength.

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Show notes:
(3:03) The cost of being “different”
(5:01) Trying to fit in while growing
(12:17) Significance Vs. Connection
(18:10) Belonging starts with you
(26:06) Visionaries and the loneliness of growth
(32:40) At NLU, your success is our purpose. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month for tools, insight, and the spark to move forward. https://us06web.zoom.us/meeting/register/NzwOxCMxTDyRJg4CLJS1qg#/registration
(34:58) Authenticity Vs. Social acceptance
(41:16) Why most people don’t “get” you
(49:04) A safe space for high achievers
(56:01) The deepest wounds we carry
(1:00:08) Choosing potential over fitting in
(1:04:03) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Chapters

• 3:03 The cost of being “different”
• 5:01 Trying to fit in while growing
• 12:17 Significance Vs. Connection
• 18:10 Belonging starts with you
• 26:06 Visionaries and the loneliness of growth
• 32:40 At NLU, your success is our purpose. Join our Monthly Meet-up every first Thursday of the month for tools, insight, and the spark to move forward.
• 34:58 Authenticity Vs. Social acceptance
• 41:16 Why most people don’t “get” you
• 49:04 A safe space for high achievers
• 56:01 The deepest wounds we carry
• 1:00:08 Choosing potential over fitting in
• 1:04:03 Outro

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) This conversation is based on a deep conversation behind the scenes that Alan and I had all about belonging and how I am very different than he is, he is very different than I am, and what does that mean in the grand scheme of things? (0:14) Belonging is a human need that I do believe all of us want to at least some degree, and where do you feel like you belong most? (0:23) You belong with yourself, belong with others, belong in the world, where do you fit in this whole thing?(0:27) We're going to talk about it. (0:28) Welcome to Next Level University. (0:31) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri, and I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.(0:36) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers. (0:42) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth. (0:49) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.(1:05) Self-improvement, in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free. (1:11) Welcome to Next Level University. (1:17) Next Level Nation today for episode number 2150, why is belonging so important?(1:23) I'm going to show you. (1:24) It is 9.30 Eastern Time, PM. (1:28) If we're giggly, that's why.(1:30) If I look like shit, that is partially the reason why. (1:34) I just want to throw that out there. (1:36) Okay.(1:37) You and I have had some deep conversations today. (1:39) We were supposed to record episodes. (1:41) Instead, we shared our midlife crises with one another.

Alan Lazaros

(1:45) Mm-hmm. (1:45) Mm-hmm.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:47) And you asked me, you said, where do you feel like you belong? (1:54) And I said, I initially said, not really anywhere fully. (2:00) It depends on what version of me.(2:02) And then we dug, and we dug, and we dug, and we got to the point where I feel kind of like I can belong anywhere, but I don't really want to. (2:10) I don't really want to. (2:11) I don't know if I want to.(2:13) And then I can trace that. (2:15) For some reason, my eye is crying. (2:16) I can trace that back to childhood, and we can dig into that.(2:19) But you are kind of the opposite, where you wanted to belong, and you never felt like you did. (2:24) And maybe you're out there thinking, well, how does this connect to success? (2:26) I think it connects to success in many, many different ways.(2:30) And I think we should talk about that. (2:33) Okay. (2:34) Boy versions of Kevin and Allen.(2:38) I never felt statistically normal in any regard. (2:46) Birth father died when I was two immediately. (2:50) Okay.(2:51) That's statistically rare. (2:55) Stepfather left when I was 14. (2:58) Normal.(2:59) I used to say this, and this is long before the podcasting days. (3:02) This is way back. (3:03) Normal was never going to be for me.(3:05) Normal was never an option for me. (3:07) That's what I always felt like normal was never an option for me. (3:11) And I now realize at 36, I had a therapy call earlier.(3:14) And just in general, normal was never an option for me because normal is the center of the bell curve. (3:24) So, okay. (3:25) You and I talked to statistics earlier a little bit.(3:28) I know, boring, but we do it. (3:34) You said, okay, so a bell curve is the bottom 50% and the top 50% for the whole 100% of humanity. (3:44) 8 billion people on planet earth, over 8 billion now, obviously, for the longest time there, people said 7 billion.(3:52) It didn't make any sense to me because we were closer to eight than we were to seven for a decade, probably. (3:58) But anyways, so 8 billion people on planet earth. (4:03) And the more and more I've leaned into who I am, the less and less I feel like I belong.(4:12) And you have a funny story that I think would be really of value here, which is when you were with your in-laws. (4:23) And I do think that's a good story to articulate. (4:27) The one I just told you?(4:29) Okay. (4:31) I dig it. (4:31) All right, here we go.(4:33) Taryn and I went to Vermont this weekend, family house up there on Lake Champlain. (4:38) It's wonderful. (4:39) It's the best, one of my favorite places in the world.(4:41) And we went up Friday night. (4:47) So I worked until five, I think, four or five. (4:49) And then we drove up six, I worked till six, five, I don't know, whatever.(4:55) We drove up, we got there at like 930 at night. (4:57) And we go in and we unpack our stuff, hugs and all that stuff. (5:01) And Taryn's mom said, you're not working all day tomorrow, are you?(5:04) And I said, I got some work to do. (5:06) I'm going to work in the morning. (5:07) And then I have a team meeting at 230.(5:10) And you know, her and I were joking about it. (5:14) The next day, I did the meeting. (5:19) I went golfing with my brother-in-law, had a blast.(5:24) And then that night, we were talking about something and she brought it up again. (5:28) She was talking about work. (5:30) And she said something about, I don't understand how you work as much as you do.(5:33) And I said, mom, you think I work a lot? (5:37) I said, it's eight, what time is it? (5:38) 830?(5:39) I said, Alan is working right now, guaranteed. (5:41) And she was like, no, there's no way. (5:42) She thought I was kidding.(5:43) And I was like, no, of course he is. (5:45) He's definitely working. (5:46) That's all he does.(5:46) All he ever does is work. (5:48) I'm trying to keep up. (5:49) Well, I got to keep up with the guy.(5:50) So I got to put in more work, if anything. (5:53) And then Taryn chimed in and said, no, no, he's definitely working. (5:56) Like he is.(5:57) What day was this? (5:58) Saturday, Saturday night. (5:59) Yeah, yeah, for sure.(6:00) Before we were watching Happy Gilmore. (6:02) Before we watched Happy Gilmore, which is terrible, by the way, if you like it, shout out to you. (6:06) If you don't like it, hold on.(6:08) If you like it, shout out to you. (6:10) If you think you like it, it's okay not to like it because I, I don't understand what all the hype is about. (6:16) Same.(6:17) So that was our conversation. (6:18) Okay. (6:19) And so I appreciate you sharing that.(6:21) And ultimately what Kevin and I's thesis is, and again, I know we're talking about us on this episode, but we want you thinking of you. (6:31) How ironic is it that growing up, Kev wanted to stand out and felt like he was ordinary and wanted to stand out and be extraordinary. (6:44) And I was the opposite.(6:48) I feel like I was always statistically different. (6:53) And the more I look, look at my childhood, the more it's like, whoa, whoa. (6:59) And I could give examples that would probably be important.(7:06) What's a good example? (7:07) What's a good story that I could share? (7:15) I have the story.(7:16) I'm reluctant to share because it's Alan, just stop toting your own intelligence. (7:27) Okay. (7:28) So in geometry, no statistics, statistics class, I realized that the textbook was wrong and the teacher and the entire class was vehemently against me.(7:44) And I say vehemently, meaning like this probably wouldn't even happen today. (7:47) This is another level of group bullying. (7:49) And I brought it to the AP Cal teacher and I said, this is wrong.(7:53) And I would love for you and I to do a proof on the whiteboard so that we can show the class. (7:59) And we did. (8:00) And we proved it.(8:01) And the textbook was wrong. (8:02) I mean, people write textbooks and they can be wrong. (8:04) People are human.(8:06) And that's just one example of like me not fitting in. (8:09) And I remember Tara and Kiki were my best friends and they were so mean to me. (8:14) You think you're smarter than the text?(8:16) And it's like, and Kiki way later in life, he said, that was the day I knew you were smarter than me. (8:22) I just couldn't get it because I tried explaining it. (8:25) I was defending myself.(8:26) Literally. (8:26) I was like trying to explain, listen, this is an equation. (8:29) It has to go both ways.(8:30) This is wrong. (8:31) And I was right. (8:32) And that doesn't matter because no one gives a shit, unfortunately, even though I do.(8:37) And so I guess as I've gotten older and older and older, it's been really hard for me to see how weird I am. (8:46) Like when I hear that I'm working at 830, I hear that's incredible. (8:51) That's someone who wants to reach their potential.(8:53) That's someone who wants to change the world. (8:54) That's someone who has work ethic and discipline. (8:56) I'm reading a book right now.(8:58) No joke. (8:59) I downloaded it this morning or yesterday. (9:01) I think probably this morning.(9:02) I was so fucking excited. (9:04) It's called the science of self-discipline, the willpower, mental toughness, and self-control to resist temptation and achieve your goals. (9:12) And there's a picture of a dog with a bone.(9:15) It's on YouTube right now. (9:17) The science of self-discipline. (9:19) Fuck yeah, baby.(9:21) What if there's something I don't know? (9:23) There might not be, but because this is the 50th discipline book I've probably read, but there might be something. (9:30) What if there's something in there?(9:31) I don't know. (9:31) I need to know. (9:32) And I want to know.(9:34) And so we were at a barbecue one time on Father's Day and Kevin and I went fishing and there was a Father's Day barbecue. (9:42) And I told Kev, I said, dude, I don't belong there at all. (9:46) Like a small talk.(9:47) And how are you in this? (9:48) It's like, dude, I can't even, it's, it's very hard for me to fit in here. (9:55) And, and you're like, dude, I feel like that was no problem for me at all.(9:57) And then we had an interview with Steven Kotler, you know, the weekend before or whatever. (10:01) And you're like, dude, I had trouble fitting in there.

Alan Lazaros

(10:05) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:06) And that's why belonging is fitting in. (10:08) Good. (10:08) I feel like, uh, I said this to Alan behind the scenes.(10:10) I feel like a chameleon. (10:12) I'm always one. (10:14) I'm always blending into the environment, but I don't have any relationship with it.(10:18) It doesn't, I don't feel bad about it. (10:20) It doesn't make me feel less than cause that's not, that's just, that's not my pattern. (10:25) I think this was my thesis.(10:27) Somebody asked me this on a podcast because I went all the way back. (10:31) I used to want to be a professional wrestler, like a WWF WWE. (10:37) Now I want to be a, one of those wrestlers.(10:39) And glad you chose a different road. (10:43) One of my favorite wrestlers, his name was mankind. (10:50) One of the least attractive men you'll ever see.(10:54) Not in good shape, not at all athletic, very untalented in general. (11:00) I know shining endorsement, but he could take a beating like nobody else. (11:06) Nobody else.(11:07) Some of the wildest things that ever happened were because of him. (11:10) I mean, he got thrown off the top of like a 20 foot cage through a table onto a concrete floor and like separated his shoulder and broke a bunch of stuff. (11:19) They were carrying him out on the stretcher.(11:21) He got off. (11:22) Okay. (11:22) He got off the cage, got thrown through it, almost broke his neck.(11:31) When he landed on the, on the ring, his teeth, his tooth blew out and went through his lip. (11:39) They tried to take him out. (11:40) He went back in again.(11:42) The dude was just, he just loved it. (11:46) He just loved it. (11:47) That's the kind of wrestler I wanted to be.(11:49) That's exactly the kind of wrestler I was never quit. (11:52) That's what never that. (11:53) So that was a piece of it.(11:54) It was that I, why did I want to be a professional fighter? (11:58) Cause nobody I knew was doing it. (12:00) I didn't want to fit in.(12:02) I wanted to stand out in a meaningful way. (12:05) And I don't think I felt like I had the talent or the skill or the intelligence to do it in any other way. (12:10) So it was just, okay, I'll do it.(12:12) I'll just go down a niche that nobody else is in. (12:15) And then that'll get me significance. (12:17) I think that's a piece of belonging is significance.(12:21) So I always try to get it in weird ways. (12:23) I think standing out gets significance. (12:26) I think fitting in gets belonging and connection.(12:29) So I think significance comes from standing out.

Alan Lazaros

(12:32) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(12:32) Yeah. (12:32) That's fair. (12:32) And so that makes sense.(12:33) You wanted significance cause that was hard for you to get. (12:36) Yeah. (12:37) And I wanted belonging cause that was hard for me to get.(12:40) Genuinely, even right now, I went on a podcast interview pre pre-chat earlier today. (12:52) It is called vulnerability time. (12:56) Very kind person, Josiah.(13:00) Okay. (13:00) Josiah's very kind soul. (13:03) Huge fan.(13:04) Very excited. (13:05) We already, it's good. (13:06) We're going to do it.(13:07) Green light. (13:07) Let's rock and roll. (13:08) And he said, just share your story.(13:11) This is about you. (13:12) It's a safe space. (13:13) I'm not trying to put you in a box.(13:14) You be you, all of you. (13:16) And I'm sitting there going in my head going, I don't know if you know what you're saying, but yeah, fair. (13:22) I said, who's your listener?(13:23) What do they want to achieve? (13:24) All this stuff. (13:25) I always have these questions I ask, right?(13:26) Cause if you don't know the audience, it's just, it's going to be tough. (13:33) So who's your listener? (13:35) What are they trying to achieve?(13:36) What are they struggling with? (13:39) All this stuff. (13:40) He said, no, no, no.(13:41) All good. (13:42) My listeners, I said, I'm here for your listeners. (13:46) He said, just be you.(13:47) I said, all right. (13:49) All right. (13:49) My thing is reaching your full potential.(13:52) And he said, whatever you share in your story, I guarantee you, you're going to be relatable to somebody. (14:01) And I thought in my head, and I would rather have you say it than me, but like, let's say I really was entirely authentic and fully me. (14:13) And I didn't dial down at all.(14:16) Like he's saying he wants, is it relatable? (14:20) I think there are parts of your story that are relatable. (14:23) What, what parts, uh, car racks, rough childhood, to the extent that you're going to share growing up with a single, a single parent that that's something I meant about me, the car, the car accident that turned your life around that.(14:41) But outside of that, I think some of this, my story is relatable, but not me. (14:50) I would say this. (14:51) Yes.(14:52) Yeah. (14:52) The story is more relatable than the human is. (14:54) Yes.(14:55) I think that that there's something in that. (14:57) And maybe that's what we can bring to our listeners right now is the story isn't me though. (15:11) When we see our, I think we just see ourselves in other people's stories, you know?(15:17) Yeah. (15:19) Whose story do you think is more relatable? (15:21) Yours or mine?(15:23) Like genuinely, genuinely asking yours for sure. (15:28) Because you think, you know how movies, when they do based on true events, they have to Hollywood eyes it and make it. (15:39) Yeah.(15:40) I feel like that's sometimes what I feel I have to do in order to inspire others by making it more relatable. (15:49) You remember that speech I gave with the Redwood man? (15:53) Yeah.(15:53) Of course. (15:54) Okay. (15:54) All right.(15:54) Real quick, real quick. (15:56) I'm not fucking with you. (15:57) This is how ignorant I was.(15:58) I honestly thought that was relatable. (16:04) Yeah. (16:06) Now that we are mature and aware, because dude, I've never didn't consider the Redwood ever like, dude, it's not relatable to, to get straight A's in high school because you wanted to get the president's award when you were, it's not relatable to, okay, here's the least relatable thing that I can share that I didn't even start sharing until my thirties.(16:37) When I was a kid, I was going to be lawyer, politician, president, or I was going to be engineer, MBA, CEO, like my hero at the time, Steve Jobs. (16:47) I used to argue who's smarter, Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, you know, change the world. (16:51) I have a quote behind me.(16:53) I used to think it was Bill. (16:54) Now I think it's Steve. (16:55) Both of them, uh, you know, should have taken better care of their health.(16:58) In my opinion, all that's weird for sure. (17:03) And I decided in advance not to be a lawyer and not to go down that road. (17:07) And people would say, you seriously think you could be president?(17:10) It's like, listen, I was going to go for it. (17:12) And yes, I did think I could genuinely right. (17:15) Tragic childhood born and raised in Massachusetts.(17:19) Like it's a possibility and high education. (17:21) You're right. (17:22) Of course.(17:22) And honestly, I do still believe that that's a possibility. (17:27) I'm not going to do it. (17:29) I don't think maybe I'll change my mind in the future, but there's, there's, and how fucking unrelatable is that?(17:36) I'm not even allowed to talk about it. (17:37) It's very unrelatable dude. (17:38) It triggers everyone.(17:40) It triggers everyone to even talk about it. (17:42) And it's like, I think the hard part about belonging is there's, there's internal belonging and there's external belonging. (17:49) So internal belonging is when you, you actually feel like you belong in a group of people.(17:55) External belonging is they actually feel like you belong in the group of people. (17:59) And I think those are two very, very different things, but I think it has to start by belonging to yourself first, which requires challenging truths like that for you to share. (18:10) It's like, why, how can you share something like that?(18:19) And then not be, maybe that's the fear is you just get ostracized. (18:28) Yeah. (18:28) People call you delusional.(18:31) You know, I was called delusional for even saying we'd be successful at podcasting. (18:36) And obviously I wasn't delusional. (18:39) You know, I was called delusional with everything kind of in a way.(18:49) You know, I think one of the reasons I ended up being one of the top Halo players in the world, and honestly, I played the best in the world. (18:55) So I think I was, I was only rated 20th, but I was better than the best. (19:00) His name was Zaios.(19:02) Is that the, did you steal that sniper rifle? (19:05) Is that the one you stole? (19:06) No, that's strong side.(19:07) Strong side. (19:08) Also known as Walshie. (19:10) I lose track of these folks.(19:11) Yeah. (19:11) It's the gamer tags. (19:13) And if you're a Halo player, you definitely know who I'm talking about.(19:16) Zaios, Ogre 1 and Ogre 2, Walshie, used to be called Hotshie, Strongside, all those, all those names will land. (19:22) Final Boss is the name of the clan. (19:25) Just went down nerd central for a minute.(19:27) Diablo 2, I'm not even kidding, man. (19:29) I, and again, you have to have courage to share this. (19:31) And it's like, well, Oh, good for you.(19:33) That's not why I'm sharing it. (19:34) I honestly, I remember my buddy, Mark. (19:38) He said, dude, this guy's talking shit.(19:40) I was like, awesome. (19:42) Mark invited me into a room and, and Mark literally was like, my buddy is going to fuck you up. (19:48) It was the simplest thing I've ever done.(19:50) I just walked in, destroyed him. (19:52) This is a video game, by the way.

Alan Lazaros

(19:53) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(19:54) It's in the virtual world is in the virtual world. (19:57) And, uh, but Diablo 2 was a big, massive multiplayer on game long before World of Warcraft. (20:05) And I, I'm not joking.(20:06) I was probably the best in the world at that game. (20:09) I was top 10. (20:11) I'm certain of that for sure.(20:13) But no one, there was no like official rankings and I was obsessive. (20:25) Just like the work story. (20:26) That's why I had you share it because I can't share it about me.(20:28) And also what's the point of this? (20:30) My point of this episode is not so that you think I'm so great. (20:33) I could give a fuck what you think to be honest.(20:35) It's it's. (20:37) I mean, that's, that probably came off wrong. (20:39) It's not okay.(20:42) It's not about that for me. (20:45) I'm not, I don't need you to think that I'm brilliant or what I've come to understand is that the way people perceive you changes what they believe about you and what they believe about you changes what they do and don't do with you. (21:04) So if any one of our listeners has no idea that I'm different because on any level I'm hiding it because dude, I don't know what it's like.(21:16) Okay. (21:17) You know the value of working with me. (21:19) You and I just signed up for coaching, like unofficial coaching because you're my business partner, but it's going to get on the calendar.(21:25) Kids got no time for me. (21:26) You know, I got to, I got to book a spot. (21:28) Well, I appreciate it.(21:29) But of course, how, so if I have a desire to fit in and you have a desire to stand out, I'm unconsciously hiding all the things that make me different, which are subconsciously. (21:48) Well, yeah. (21:48) And I think oftentimes that's the stuff that you value the most.(21:52) Not just you, the stuff that makes you different. (21:55) Thank you. (21:55) Not you again, not necessarily you, you value it the most, but it's also the thing that's the biggest pain in the ass because it's the thing that makes you the most different.(22:06) But how do other people deal with that? (22:09) Like, I don't think they have as negative a relationship with it. (22:15) Like, I don't, I went, uh, I went to a bachelor party and it was very much not, it's not my normal life, right?(22:21) I'm, I do this. (22:22) This is, I love doing this. (22:23) This is really meaningful and really fulfilling to me.(22:27) And when I got back, Alan was like, it doesn't, it didn't seem like it bothered you at all. (22:31) It didn't seem like it bothered you at all. (22:33) That would have been very hard for me to go.(22:38) Why would it be hard for me and not you? (22:40) Because you, one, I think you are more different than I am statistically. (22:45) You are not, I don't think you are for sure.(22:48) I think you're more, since you are, and since it's been such a pain, you're more committed to not letting that happen. (22:58) So you don't want to dull. (22:59) You don't want to, you want to shine.(23:00) You don't want to dull. (23:01) You don't want to dull. (23:01) You don't want to dull.(23:02) I don't necessarily want to shine. (23:04) I don't want to dim. (23:05) You don't want to dim.(23:05) Don't want to. (23:06) On this episode, some of my clients are frustrated with our show because I'm more me behind the scenes. (23:11) Of course.(23:12) Of course. (23:13) I'm trying to be as authentic as possible. (23:15) Genuinely.(23:15) Of course. (23:15) Of course. (23:16) Out of context, it's not valuable.(23:20) And I don't know if I know, it's almost like when I'm with an engineer, I know that they know more than someone who's not. (23:37) When I'm with a podcaster, I know they know my value more than someone who's not. (23:44) When I'm with someone who wants to reach their potential, I know they know, it's like a triangle, what you value.(23:51) So if you want to reach your potential and you've been working to reach your potential, you're going to value someone else who has higher potential and who has reached their potential. (24:00) So for example, one of my favorite things about you, I've said this before, where you started to where you've ended up, I know some people who have more potential than you for sure. (24:11) I'm thinking of someone right now who definitely does, but he is, you are reaching way beyond what he ever has come.(24:20) Like he could easily, with love, of course, if he actually worked like you, oh, I mean, if he worked like you, dude, it would be, it would be unbelievable, but he, but he doesn't. (24:34) So you're reaching your potential way more than he is. (24:39) That's the way I gauge it.(24:41) It's like some of us are born with a lot more potential than others. (24:45) To me, how much are you maximizing your potential? (24:48) You're, you were born with certain attributes and you were born without, and in a certain circumstance.(24:53) And I think that you're, out of all the people I've ever met in my life, you're the closest I've seen to reaching their full potential. (25:01) I appreciate that. (25:02) Yeah.(25:03) Other than Amelia Smith. (25:04) Or that's not good because that means like, I don't have that much potential because if I'm already there, you know? (25:10) No, but I would say Bianca, shout out to her too.(25:13) She's also, what she's doing with her potential is unbelievable to me. (25:19) And in Amelia, I think Amelia has unbelievably high potential. (25:23) So it's harder for her to reach it, but she's also maximizing it more than anyone I know.(25:27) So I have to take that back. (25:28) You're second. (25:29) She's maximizing her potential more than anyone I know.(25:31) And she still thinks it's a very small fraction of her true potential. (25:34) What's my point of all this back to belonging. (25:36) I don't think anyone really cares that much about that.(25:39) And I've never not. (25:41) No, most people don't. (25:43) Most people don't.(25:44) I don't think that's the thing. (25:45) You can't really belong unless it's in something that people value. (25:48) Because then you're just different with no benefit.(25:53) You're just different. (25:54) Like, you know? (25:56) This is something that lands for me.(25:59) There's a woman I'm interviewing named Lauren Johnson, and she is married to a pro or semi pro golfer. (26:06) I think he's a pro golfer, right? (26:08) Yeah, I'm not sure.(26:10) I think he's really, really, really good at golf. (26:14) And then he goes back into life and he's, you know, more average in other things. (26:23) So that's something that's interesting.(26:25) It's like, sometimes I wish I'm not just really good at. (26:34) I'm really good at coaching. (26:35) That's a good example.(26:36) But like, he can go golf and be extraordinary in that and then be and then fit in at the barbecue. (26:42) Because it's just he's really good at golf, and everyone knows it. (26:45) And that's great.(26:45) And then now he's at the barbecue, and he's the golf guy. (26:48) But now he's, whereas for me, I don't feel that way at all. (26:52) And that, I think, is why belonging is such a trigger for me, because I never wanted to be good at just one thing, ever.(27:03) I, to me, that made no sense to me. (27:06) I don't want to just, I want to be, I want to reach my potential as a human being. (27:12) I don't want to reach my potential in golf.(27:15) You know what I mean? (27:16) Seriously. (27:16) Like, I know that sounds like I'm making fun of golfers.(27:19) That's not my point. (27:19) I don't want to reach my potential in basketball. (27:21) I want to reach my potential as a human being.(27:24) And I think that's even rarer, which is crazy. (27:27) And so for the listeners out there watching or listening, there's a reason you, I have noticed a direct correlation. (27:35) People who are working with me, coaching clients, 22 coaching clients now, they all start to struggle in the social world over time.(27:46) You have somehow not done that as much as others. (27:49) I do not understand. (27:50) Like, dude, every team member on the NLU team, they all have trouble with the social world.(27:57) Every one of my clients is, one of my clients is so fucking lonely. (28:01) He is running a group, a study group for a finance certification and there's 21 people in it. (28:06) He's having a really hard time because he's so different than these people.(28:11) None of them track metrics. (28:12) None of them track habits. (28:13) None of them have goals.(28:14) They're all just like winging it. (28:16) You got to know that going in. (28:18) You got to know that going in.(28:19) I think that helps you. (28:21) I think for so many people, it's like a slap in the face. (28:23) It's like, oh my goodness, I'm so much different.(28:25) It's like, well, you've got to know that going in. (28:27) Of course you are. (28:28) Why doesn't that bother you?(28:30) Like why, why don't people have metrics and habits and why aren't people, why don't people have goals? (28:35) That blows my mind. (28:36) I've never gotten a reason.(28:37) The same reason I didn't for the first 25 years of my life. (28:40) The same reason I do it. (28:42) I'll never lose sight of what it was like before this journey.(28:44) I can't. (28:45) It's so important to me not to. (28:47) I was, I had no goals.(28:51) I didn't have any metrics. (28:52) I didn't have, I had good habits and fitness, but that was it. (28:56) I assure you the rest of my lifestyle habits directly took away from all the good ones I had in fitness for sure.(29:02) Yeah. (29:04) It's when I went to, I don't feel that way at all. (29:07) Right.(29:08) Because I think that way at all. (29:09) I think because you, I always had a complex of not good enough, not smart enough, not competent enough, not going to be successful, not good looking enough, not enough in general. (29:17) I had not good looking enough for sure.(29:20) I had not, no, no, let me rephrase. (29:24) I had definitely not, uh, not hit puberty enough. (29:28) That's fair.(29:28) That's fair. (29:29) And definitely not athletic enough. (29:32) I had that for sure.(29:34) Well, now you want to be as, as athletic as humanly possible. (29:39) That's, that's a piece of it. (29:40) I just think we go.(29:42) Yeah. (29:43) You go in the direction that your trauma forced you, forced you to go into. (29:48) And I was, I always felt terrible about myself.(29:52) So now that I actually feel good about myself, I don't want to dull. (29:56) I don't want to dull in groups. (29:59) Yeah.(29:59) You want to shine. (30:00) I just want to be me. (30:02) I don't even, I don't, I'm not even thinking of dull.(30:04) I guess I'll put it this way. (30:05) I'm not thinking of dollar shine. (30:06) I just want to be me.(30:08) Yeah, but you get to be, see, and I'm not trying to come at you.

Alan Lazaros

(30:12) It's fair.

Kevin Palmieri

(30:12) You get to be brother on group coaching. (30:17) We literally like I have to, the metaphor was drive slow. (30:22) It's fair.(30:22) I'm going to drive and I'm going to drive the meeting, but drive slow. (30:28) Okay. (30:31) People say like, what do you mean?(30:33) Just be you. (30:34) Okay. (30:35) Yeah.(30:36) Awesome. (30:37) How that, I know when I was 15, I was in that stats class. (30:45) Oh, just be you.(30:46) Well, I tried that went really fucking well for my social life. (30:49) You know, it's, it's, I don't think people know what they're talking about when they say that they don't know. (30:56) No, they don't.(30:56) It's like be unapologetically yourself.

Alan Lazaros

(30:59) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(31:00) It's like, okay. (31:01) That's something that people with egos say. (31:03) So they don't have to feel bad about their behavior more often, more often, honestly.(31:07) Well, if you can't handle me, my like, that's a fine line here.

Alan Lazaros

(31:12) That's a very, I want to be respectful.

Kevin Palmieri

(31:14) I want to be respectful. (31:15) I, okay, here's one. (31:18) I feel like most people are fairly lazy.(31:21) That's, that's a truth. (31:23) I actually do believe that to be true. (31:25) Okay.(31:25) That's not kind. (31:27) People are mad when you say that you're not allowed to say that people are not happy for sure. (31:32) But again, what I just go around telling people, Hey, have you considered that you might be lazy?(31:37) Well, I think that's the fine line is okay. (31:40) What matters more authenticity or belonging? (31:44) Do you think most people are lazy?(31:47) I think most people are lazier than me. (31:50) Depend what's the scale, right? (31:52) It all comes down to it.(31:54) We always, this is always our dialogue is like, what are we comparing to? (31:57) Yeah. (31:57) Yeah.(31:57) That's a great point. (31:58) Do I know anybody else on the face of the earth? (32:01) Yes.(32:01) On the face of the earth. (32:02) Do I know anybody else that's recording a podcast episode on a Monday at 10 PM? (32:07) No, no.(32:08) Most people aren't doing this. (32:10) And then I'm going to, I'll get up at six tomorrow and I'll go to the gym and I'm a grind it out. (32:14) Well, it's the scariest thing ever.(32:15) This, this episode is one of the scariest we've ever done because it's just, I'll get villainized for it. (32:25) Well, I think this is what, this is a really good example. (32:28) Maybe the best episode humanly possible for what it looks like to search for belonging in real time.(32:35) And I think, I don't anybody else is doing it that way. (32:38) So I, I appreciate it. (32:39) I commend it.(32:41) NLU listener, what is happening? (32:43) I just wanted to jump in here and let you know, if you want to get to the next level faster, we have a free virtual monthly meetup at the first Thursday of every month. (32:52) You can connect with like-minded people and become a bigger part of this amazing global community.(32:58) The link to register will be in the show notes. (33:02) I want to care about people's feelings and be myself. (33:07) I care if it hurts your feelings that I say you're lazy, but what if that's what I really believe?(33:15) I do believe most people are lazy and I actually think there's a lot of evidence to prove that. (33:21) I could give you the stats. (33:22) 3% of people have goals.(33:24) Like, do you want me to give you the stats? (33:26) Is that a better way to say it? (33:27) Like, I think in the land of social world, you're not allowed to be truthful.(33:37) My brain is very objectively, okay, we did a training recently on the mathematics modalities and it was very hardcore, what you'd call hardcore. (33:47) Why? (33:47) Because it was very objective.(33:49) Like in the objective truth, we have gotten fairly lazy as a society. (33:53) Look at technology, look, you know, food is to our doorstep. (33:58) It is statistically accurate, but no one, people get very hurt by that.(34:04) And to me, people say, oh, just be yourself. (34:08) Well, myself in the wrong context is going to be destructive, not constructive. (34:14) And that's one thing that's been really hard for me.(34:16) It's like, just be yourself. (34:17) Okay, well, it seems like every time I'm that way, people attack me and I've chosen a profession where I want to help people. (34:32) And I can't help people unless they hear, like, if I say, oh, you're so hardworking, that's not going to help you at all.(34:39) Unless you actually are. (34:41) And unless you are already hardworking enough to achieve your goals. (34:46) Whereas if you want to achieve your goals, and you want a bigger, better, brighter future, and you want to become better and grow, it's going to actually help you more to say, hey, you should look in the mirror, you might be fairly lazy.(34:58) And this is just one example. (35:00) Same with overweight. (35:02) Same with, I mean, I was fucking, I'm just as hard on myself.(35:07) I'm harder on myself. (35:09) And so I'm not picking on you, listener. (35:12) I'm not picking on anyone.(35:13) I'm just, I'm telling the truth, I think. (35:16) I honestly think a lot of, a lot of who I am is rooted in an objective truth, and it's trying to help people. (35:30) And I think that when I'm at a barbecue, for example, it's very hard to be at a barbecue because no one really wants to hear any truth.(35:42) That's why it would have been hard for me at the golf course. (35:45) It makes sense. (35:46) And I go in knowing that.(35:48) I just shut it all down. (35:49) I turn that right off. (35:50) Yeah, that's not why we're here.(35:52) And I know nobody, you're not, you don't value, if you value that, you'd reach out and tell me how much you like the podcast. (35:56) None of you have done that yet. (35:57) And I don't expect that.(35:58) That's totally fine. (35:59) I don't, that's not a judgment. (36:00) I don't mean that, like, I know it's not for you.(36:03) I know it's not for you. (36:04) That's okay. (36:05) You know, it would benefit them though.(36:07) Yeah, but it, just because it would benefit someone does not mean it is for them. (36:11) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(36:11) And what, all I mean by for them.

Kevin Palmieri

(36:13) When that's who you are, you don't identify as someone who. (36:17) Oh, so you basically just share a filtered version of yourself, essentially. (36:23) Essentially.(36:23) Yeah. (36:24) But I don't have a negative association with it. (36:27) So it's, it, that's the thing is I don't have a history of having to do that in order to feel like I belong.(36:33) You know, I think the other piece of it, and we'll get out of here in a few minutes, cause I know we're running along on this one, but this is a deep one. (36:39) I, the other thing is, dude, I get to podcast for a living. (36:42) I'm on podcasts all the time where people say really nice things about me.(36:46) I have clients that ask me questions that look up to. (36:49) Even right there though, you do believe most people are lazier than you. (36:54) Yes.(36:55) Did you have trouble saying that on the microphone? (36:57) No, no. (36:59) Lazier than me?(37:00) No, no. (37:01) Come, we can hang out and we'll see. (37:03) Let's do it.(37:04) I don't mean it from a place. (37:05) Are you afraid that people are going to be upset with you? (37:08) Yeah.(37:09) I'm always afraid of that. (37:09) Yeah. (37:10) But I do think.(37:11) Why do I have trouble saying that? (37:14) Because you've had the courage to say it for a lot longer than I, and you've gotten probably a lot more shit than I have. (37:22) And you probably said it.(37:24) I'm not saying you said that specifically, but you said things you were going to do. (37:29) And I think people thought that was arrogant. (37:30) I don't say things I'm going to do.(37:31) I say things after I do them. (37:33) Cause I'm a coward. (37:36) Mostly, but it just like, um, I don't know.(37:40) Statistically speaking, if you're listening to this, you are very, with a very high probability, better at cooking than I am a thousand percent. (37:49) You're probably way more thoughtful than I am. (37:52) I am not good at being thoughtful.(37:53) I do not. (37:54) You're okay with that. (37:55) Whereas other people.(37:57) Well, that, but I think that's the thing is it's not what I'm saying. (38:00) It's, it's their response to how they feel about themselves within what I'm saying. (38:04) Yeah.(38:04) But then their response attacks you or not. (38:06) Right. (38:07) I mean, you ever see that?(38:08) I never watched the movie, so I can't authentically say it. (38:11) I saw clips of it. (38:13) What was it?(38:13) The movie that you couldn't lie. (38:15) Well, liar, liar. (38:16) That's one, which is hilarious.(38:18) I think the invention of lying with Ricky Gervais. (38:21) I think it's no, isn't it idiocracy or something like that? (38:25) That's another one, but I didn't know that was about lying.(38:28) Everyone has filters in their communication. (38:30) Everyone. (38:31) And there's primary, secondary and tertiary truth.(38:35) My primary truth is most people are pretty lazy and would do, do well to work on their work ethic. (38:42) I think work ethic is alarmingly at an all time low, uh, globally right now. (38:46) My secondary truth is, yeah, I mean, it's important for you to work on your work ethic.(38:52) If you want to achieve your goals and dreams, my tertiary truth is, uh, yeah, look, you know, ask yourself if you're hardworking enough to achieve your dreams. (39:01) And if you think the answer is no, then work on it. (39:07) The version of me, that's the most authentic is, Hey, you're being kind of fucking lazy and you really need to work on it.(39:13) Otherwise your future self will regret it. (39:15) And I know it sounds maybe unique for me to be working at eight 30, but my goals require that. (39:26) And your goals might too.(39:30) And everyone's filtering. (39:34) I think the difference is you don't have to filter as much. (39:39) Maybe.(39:40) Probably. (39:40) I don't know. (39:42) Even that it's like, I feel like it's easier to measure.(39:46) It's like I work 60 hours a week every week, essentially. (39:51) What's something that you have trouble communicating though to people? (39:55) Cause maybe it all comes down to just having courage, like courage to just say it, call a spade a spade.(40:01) Uh, I'm sure there's a ton of stuff. (40:04) I think, I think unfortunately most people rely way too much on motivation. (40:08) And they say like anytime you, anytime I hear someone say, I don't feel like it.(40:12) It's like, well, that's not, that's not real though. (40:15) You're just saying you don't feel like doing it. (40:17) That's, you can work through that.(40:19) You can overcome that. (40:19) You know, that's not the end of the road. (40:21) So, but that, but if you said, do you feel like you have, you're better at working through your feelings and doing more than most people?(40:30) For sure. (40:30) Of course you don't get to 2,200 podcast episodes by just doing what you feel like. (40:36) So I think I just connect it to, cause you'll say things.

Alan Lazaros

(40:40) Okay.

Kevin Palmieri

(40:40) What if we didn't though? (40:41) Okay. (40:41) I was, I could have said that with zero episodes.(40:45) I would, I would look at whatever the, my performance was like, what did I do? (40:50) Am I actually, yes, I would still say I was because I would go to, I would work an eight hour day. (40:56) I would drive eight hours home and then I'd go to the gym for an hour and a half at three o'clock in the morning.(41:01) Like that's not, you're only basing it on current evidence. (41:05) I think that's what I basically would relate to. (41:07) Yeah.(41:07) Yeah. (41:08) I think of it as like a court case. (41:10) It's like if somebody was to reach out and say, there's no way I work harder than you.(41:13) It's like, let me see what you got. (41:15) Let's see it. (41:16) Let's do it.(41:16) This landed for me just now. (41:19) If only 3% of people really do have clear written goals. (41:21) I, that means I can only belong with 3% of people.(41:25) I've never, and I'm telling you never not had clear written measurable goals ever, ever, even when I was a little kid. (41:34) So that already, okay, so that's, that means three out of every a hundred people I can relate to. (41:41) Yeah.(41:41) Okay. (41:42) And then there's a subset of a subset of a subset of a subset. (41:45) You haven't, it's not any more challenging for you to relate with people now.(41:48) It's gotta be, I don't, maybe your association with it isn't negative, but it's definitely more challenging. (41:54) No. (41:55) Cause I understand.(41:57) I understand that you and me and this journey and you, if you're watching or listening to this and you like really take this fucking seriously, you are so such a small statistical measurement of people, like such a small, you know what I mean? (42:14) You totally accept that. (42:16) That's totally fine.(42:19) Yeah. (42:21) I don't know. (42:22) I don't, I don't know.(42:23) I maybe I have a weird relationship with that. (42:25) No, I think it's good. (42:27) I think it's, it's unique to you though.(42:29) For sure. (42:30) Very few people that I coach don't struggle in the social world. (42:34) I think because they, their expectations.(42:36) And again, I'm not speaking, I don't know you if you're out there, if your expectations are of others are in alignment with your growth journey, you're going to be disappointed almost all the time. (42:49) Almost. (42:49) Okay.(42:49) Yeah. (42:50) And that you're going to be disappointed in other people when you shouldn't be. (42:54) I don't think, I don't feel like you should be disappointed in other people.(42:57) You have to get right with you. (42:59) You have to get right with you. (43:00) You're the one growing.(43:01) That's awesome. (43:01) Good for you. (43:02) And over the last eight years, you've grown tons.(43:07) For sure. (43:07) And you were never disappointed with other people? (43:10) I think I can be sad for other people.(43:12) Okay. (43:13) But no, I don't get, I don't think I get frustrated or disappointed. (43:16) No.(43:17) Cause I don't expect it. (43:18) Maybe this is core wound stuff. (43:20) I think it probably is.(43:21) Yeah. (43:21) This is probably core wound stuff. (43:22) You don't have that wound.(43:23) That's not what it is. (43:24) Like you felt like, yeah, no, you're not expecting it of them. (43:29) Cause you didn't expect it of yourself.(43:31) I realize how fucking hard this has been. (43:33) I don't expect anybody to do this. (43:35) That's so weird, dude.(43:37) That's so, you don't expect anyone to grow. (43:40) That's like what we, not like this, not like there's yeah. (43:44) Okay.(43:44) Yeah. (43:45) Yeah. (43:45) Fair levels of it.(43:46) Yeah. (43:47) And the other thing too, is like, I, there, I know there are a lot of people out there that are doing growth. (43:51) It just is very small and it would be overlooked by many, but that's where they're at.(43:57) Well, that's where they're, that's where they're at. (44:02) Let's wrap this in a bow for the listeners. (44:06) Kevin and I are obviously on Kevin's deepest fear was not standing out.(44:12) I don't feel like I have that fear at all. (44:14) I think my deepest fear was not belonging and not fitting in. (44:18) And we both as men are learning how to overcome that.(44:21) And even on this episode, I don't want to sit here and talk about how great I am. (44:27) I want to serve. (44:28) I want to, I honestly want to work on being better.(44:33) I don't even care. (44:34) Like it's actually a kind of annoying that people need to think I'm great in order to work with me. (44:41) Like I I'm grateful if you think I'm great.(44:43) I really appreciate it. (44:44) I, but I don't care about that. (44:46) I care about getting better.(44:51) And that's where I want my focus to be. (44:53) I don't want my focus to be. (44:55) And the more I work on myself, the harder it is.(44:58) Yeah. (44:59) The harder it is to be relatable straight up. (45:01) It's gotten exponentially harder and it was already hard even when I was a kid and dude, I'll, I'll share this too.(45:08) I'm going to fucking share this. (45:09) Cause this was terrible at the award ceremony in high school. (45:15) I don't know if you were there.(45:16) I think I skipped that. (45:17) I think I skipped that bullshit. (45:18) I knew, Hey, I knew there weren't been calling my name.(45:21) So I remember being called up repeatedly over and over and over again. (45:28) It was me, the valedictorian Julianne and some other people that were called up repeatedly for every award, award, award, award. (45:38) And I remember the daggers that I got.(45:43) And I remember I would, that was like basically four years of high school where I was putting in work that no one cared about. (45:53) And everyone else who went to that award ceremony, I think they had a wake-up call, Kev. (45:58) I think they had like a, Oh shit.(46:01) I like didn't achieve anything in high school. (46:04) And I think I saw their sadness and I think I saw their shame. (46:11) And I think that I felt it and I could feel maybe it's envy, maybe it's resentment, maybe it's villainization.(46:22) Good for you must be fucking nice. (46:26) Honestly, I think that the more great you become in this life, (46:34) the more extraordinary you become in this life, the more, yeah, I know this to my core, the more, (46:41) the taller you climb, the bigger you become, the more incredible you become, the more great, (46:47) the more exceptional, the more extraordinary, the more magnificent, the more remarkable you become, (46:53) the more other people, some of them will chop you down.(46:58) Some of them will just be sad and feel bad. (47:00) And some of them will be inspired and motivated. (47:04) And I think that I've focused too much in the past on the people who want to chop you down.(47:17) And I want to be done with that. (47:21) I think it's, I have all these awards and some people get annoyed in the background on YouTube. (47:26) It's like, Oh, I love achievement.(47:29) When, dude, when, when was achievement not awesome? (47:32) Like back when I was a kid, I don't know what happened. (47:35) Like you remember back in the day when trophies and achievement and accolades like was, was important and not everyone got a trophy for participation and stuff.(47:45) And I think achievement we've lost a little bit. (47:48) I remember I had a mentor one time. (47:50) He said, Alan, back in my day, achievement was everything.(47:54) Excellence was everything. (47:56) Work ethic was everything. (47:57) And he was 72.(47:58) And he was talking about how much it mattered to achieve and being an achiever and getting a good GPA and getting, getting good grades and going to college. (48:08) And, you know, I'm going to get my PhD and achievement was such a revered thing in society. (48:14) It was so revered and I still revere it.(48:20) I think achievement is remarkable. (48:22) I think goals and dreams are remarkable. (48:24) And I think it's amazing.(48:25) And I think, unfortunately, it, maybe it became less cool. (48:30) I know there's a lot of achievers out there that feel very lonely and they feel very not celebrated and they feel like they're a huge mirror to other people. (48:40) And at the end of the day, the taller you grow and the taller you climb, the more you will be chopped down.(48:46) And sometimes you'll make people sad. (48:49) And, and it's really unfortunate. (48:51) I do think that the more you achieve in real life, and the more you become physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I do think that your social life will probably suffer.(49:04) And I think that Kevin has accepted that and or it's not his core wound to a pretty strong extent, because I know a lot of people that are on a growth journey and it is wildly lonely. (49:17) It is heartbreaking. (49:19) It is, you are getting fucking chopped down and ridiculed and ostracized and you make people feel bad about themselves.(49:29) You don't mean to. (49:31) And, and the more successful you become, the worse your social life seems to get. (49:36) And I think that that's what NLU is for.(49:39) It's, it's a community of people who are not going to chop you down, who want to see you succeed because they want to succeed too. (49:47) And to me, I've always wanted, I've always wanted to live in a world where we all inspire, motivate, and educate each other on how to get to the next level. (49:55) And that's what NLU is built on.(49:57) It's built on achievement. (50:00) It's built on achievement. (50:01) It's built on growing and improving and getting better.(50:07) And I do, I got to say, I've never coached someone who didn't get better and have their social life get worse. (50:14) You are the anomaly in that. (50:15) And there's gotta be something to learn in that too.(50:17) I don't know what you've got that they don't, but you know, if any of my clients are listening, reach out, let me know, because there's not a client I've coached who isn't saying like, Hey, my friends are making fun of me. (50:28) I think the, and again, if you're one of Alan's clients, I don't mean this in a negative way. (50:32) I just think I have more empathy.(50:34) I don't, it's, I'm not judging them. (50:36) I have empathy. (50:36) But they're judging you.(50:38) Cool. (50:39) Let them, I don't care. (50:40) I've been judged my whole life.(50:42) And now judge me. (50:43) You can judge me for me doing something positive. (50:44) It's better than me doing the negative shit I used to do.(50:46) That, I don't, there's a part of me that likes it. (50:51) There's a little part of me that likes it. (50:54) Like whatever.(50:56) That's okay. (50:56) You can judge me. (50:57) That's fine.(50:58) You're going to be okay when you have haters? (51:00) That I don't know. (51:03) Do you resonate with the haters thing?(51:05) What do you think of the haters thing? (51:06) What? (51:08) No matter what happens, if you're popping, you're going to have haters.(51:12) That's like the line. (51:14) That's a fact. (51:15) I don't, I don't mean it this way.(51:16) It's not the way it's going to come off, but come see me. (51:18) Come see me. (51:19) Okay.(51:20) You think you're better at something or you think I'm, come see me. (51:22) Let's do it. (51:23) Let's, let's, let's in the real world.(51:26) No matter what you do, when you achieve, you're going to have haters. (51:28) Yes. (51:29) Unfortunately.(51:29) Yeah. (51:30) Unfortunately. (51:30) Okay.(51:31) And that's something that you're, yeah, you're not excited. (51:33) No, you're not super concerned about it and or triggered by it. (51:38) I'm less triggered by it than I've ever been because I, I just think at this point, I understand it's a type, it's a type, it's a type of person.(51:48) I do the, I do the YouTube comments for very listeners who are concerned because I'll tell you what you get to the next level and the next level and the next level and the next level. (51:58) I'm telling you, you're going to get haters for sure. (52:00) If you're like, if you're heart driven and you're doing it for the right reasons and you're working on yourself and you're, you understand, you're always going to be imperfect and a mess that's becoming less messy.(52:12) They're most likely wrong. (52:15) They're just probably not right. (52:17) That's the core wound.(52:19) That's the core wound. (52:20) No one has ever spent their life convincing you you're a bad person. (52:23) No, because you can't.(52:25) Good luck. (52:26) Good luck. (52:28) You want to, let's, let's look at the fucking evidence here.(52:31) You agreed. (52:31) Let's write the fucking evidence. (52:33) I understand.(52:33) I'm not trying to minimize. (52:34) It gets worse when you get even more evidence. (52:36) I'm not trying to minimize yours.(52:38) Yeah, no, I appreciate it. (52:38) But for anyone out there watching or listening, let us know who you resonate more with myself or Kev because this is core wound stuff. (52:45) It is one of them we call unlovable.(52:48) That's my core wound. (52:50) It feeling like you don't belong, feeling like the better of a person you become, the more shit on you get. (52:54) It's like, and again, not by everyone, not by everyone, but there's definitely the people attacking my character.(53:03) Like how much Adderall is this dude on? (53:05) They said that about me, not you. (53:07) What percentage of hate that we've gotten you and me, what percentage went to me instead of you?(53:13) 90%. (53:14) 90%. (53:14) Probably 90%.(53:15) Well, it's, it's hard to believe that the 10% of people that love me are the only ones who are accurate.

Alan Lazaros

(53:22) And I do know that that's true.

Kevin Palmieri

(53:24) Leave some positive comments, please.

Alan Lazaros

(53:25) You know what I mean? (53:26) Leave some positive comments.

Kevin Palmieri

(53:27) Ultimately, I'm just trying to do good in the world as much as possible. (53:30) And I am ready to overcome it. (53:31) And I have, and I have, and that's why I'm actually willing to be more honest.(53:34) And at the end of the day, you know, as far as being respectful and, and a positive impact in the world, I would say I'm on the very, very, very high end of that. (53:44) And unfortunately, that's not what people notice. (53:48) People, you've witnessed people identify the one thing wrong instead of the 99 things that are good.(53:55) And it's like, wait a minute, I'm here every single day trying to help people grow. (53:59) And, and you're going to attack me. (54:01) And it's like, damn, I wonder if, I wonder if those that are your end, whatever, whatever the wound is.(54:09) Yeah. (54:15) There's a, if somebody said something about my character, I'd be like, that's what you're going to go with. (54:20) That's what you're going to go with of all things you could pick.(54:23) But that's how I feel when they say, oh, you're not that smart. (54:26) It's like, are you kidding me? (54:28) Oh my God.(54:28) Like what? (54:30) That's what it is. (54:31) Whereas if someone said, Kev, you, you know, why do you think you can talk like Tony Robbins?(54:35) I mean, where's your, that got you? (54:38) No, not, not anymore. (54:39) Back then it was.(54:40) Back then. (54:40) The reason it got me is they said, you act like you're saving somebody's life. (54:43) And the night before I was talking to somebody about not committing suicide.(54:46) Fair. (54:46) But, but what I'm sharing with you is what if someone were to discredit you, your success? (54:52) Like, what if they said you don't know shit about finance?(54:54) I would say I statistically know more than most and my business partner is a math genius. (55:00) Okay. (55:01) What about before?(55:03) I accomplished this all by myself. (55:04) I know everything. (55:06) No, I probably would get triggered for sure.(55:08) Okay. (55:09) Do you think that when someone questions your competence, you get triggered and I don't. (55:14) And when someone track attacks my character, I get triggered and you don't, I would say that's, and that's the core wound.(55:19) You're calm. (55:19) It makes sense. (55:20) That goes back to you didn't feel competent enough.(55:22) And I didn't feel like I belonged competence. (55:24) It's, it's not, I've been working on being a good man for as long as I can remember. (55:30) And again, I fuck up all the time.(55:32) I'm not perfect. (55:33) I'm not perfect, but I never, you never questioned your, you being a good man. (55:39) I never questioned my competence.(55:41) I mean, I do, obviously when it comes to trying to get better and better and better, but I, I think it's where you have the most belief and maybe that's where we'll end. (55:47) I would agree. (55:48) You always believed in your character.(55:50) Yeah. (55:51) And I always believed in my competence and the more competent I became, the more I got chopped down, the more I probably unconsciously was like, wait, am I a bad person? (56:01) Like what's going on here?(56:02) And you know what's so, you know what's fucked up though. (56:05) And then we will, we will end. (56:06) Cause this is, I feel like we're on one right now.(56:08) We could keep going hours. (56:09) This could be the longest conscious, hyperconscious dude, the more successful I get, the more compliments I get on my character. (56:17) So if anything for me, it gets, it's getting easier because I, again, I used to say this down all the time.(56:24) I don't get compliments on my character ever. (56:27) I get humble. (56:29) I do from you.(56:30) I get humble a lot. (56:31) People say I'm humble. (56:32) I never know.(56:33) Which by definition I'm not because I said I am. (56:36) I know it's all fucked up. (56:37) I didn't, I didn't know.(56:38) No, no, no. (56:39) But why do you think that is? (56:41) And this is for the listeners too.(56:43) I want you thinking about you. (56:44) Energetic. (56:44) Maybe it's energetic.(56:47) Like you're insecure about your greatness. (56:50) So it comes off as arrogant sometimes because you're not willing to fully own it. (56:55) Yeah.(56:55) And I, I think I can punt a little bit and deflect because I do feel really good about it and I'm not afraid to own it. (57:07) Like I really do believe I can be one of, if not the best speakers on the planet. (57:11) I do.(57:12) I believe that in my heart of hearts. (57:14) I do. (57:14) Is it hard to say that?(57:15) No. (57:16) No shit. (57:17) No.(57:18) I believe the same thing, but it's hard for me to say. (57:20) Well, because you've been saying your whole life. (57:22) Socially.(57:23) You've been saying your whole life and people are like. (57:24) But that's because it was always true. (57:25) I know, but you didn't have any proof.(57:26) It was never not true before. (57:27) I know, but you didn't have any proof. (57:29) So here you are giving speeches to your dog in your driveway.(57:31) People are like, this fucking guy. (57:33) I was. (57:33) I know that.(57:34) Of course you were. (57:34) That's how you become the best speaker. (57:36) I know, but, but I never did that.(57:37) So in my mind. (57:39) Yeah. (57:39) I'm playing house money.(57:40) Well that's social versus real life. (57:42) That's fair. (57:42) Because in the social world, you need results in order to be able to say it.(57:47) But in real life, you need to believe it long before it's true. (57:51) A hundred percent. (57:52) I didn't say I am the best speaker on planet earth.(57:55) I said, I'm, I intend to become, but that doesn't land with anybody. (57:59) No, you gotta show me. (58:01) Are you fucking kidding me?(58:02) What do you got for me, Sonny? (58:04) Yeah. (58:05) You gotta show me.(58:05) I'm going to make the best bread this side of the Mississippi. (58:08) Where is it though? (58:10) Hey, it's breakfast.

Alan Lazaros

(58:12) Where is it?

Kevin Palmieri

(58:14) Another episode. (58:15) No, dude, that is the definition. (58:18) Let's just keep it going.(58:19) You have to say in advance what you intend to do to yourself or people that believe in you. (58:26) The worst thing in the world. (58:27) Not the worst thing.(58:28) One of the, a lot of people that have said, I'm going to be the best fighter or whatever. (58:33) And then everybody thought they were fucking crazy. (58:36) Yeah, of course.(58:37) But they weren't crazy. (58:38) They were right. (58:39) I know.(58:39) But up until the point where they were right. (58:42) And then it's like, that's so tough for me, man. (58:45) Hey, Hey, Jim.(58:46) I've never, but brother, I remember that Alan Lazarus kid. (58:49) I just saw him on television, man. (58:51) It's fucking crazy.(58:52) He was right. (58:52) He was right the whole time. (58:55) Well then God damn, man, that sucks.(58:58) That sucks. (59:00) That's so devastating because I know one of the reasons you don't belong. (59:07) What if I said we were going to have a hundred thousand dollar a month at some point in podcasting, I would have sounded crazy to people for sure.(59:16) Of course. (59:19) But now that we've done it, I'm not crazy. (59:21) No, because it's been done.(59:23) That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. (59:25) It's the way it works straight up. (59:27) Okay.(59:27) So the people who went to the moon were crazy. (59:30) They said he was going to go to the moon. (59:31) Of course they were.(59:33) You're going to fly me out into outer space in this metal container and land on the moon. (59:40) Excuse me. (59:42) Visionaries have to say things in advance.(59:44) Of course they're crazy. (59:45) If I didn't say it in my heart and that by that rationale, there would be no, you know, I Martin Luther King. (59:53) I have a dream.(59:54) I'm not, I'm not saying not to do it. (59:56) I'm saying, don't be surprised by the response you get. (1:00:01) Agreed.(1:00:01) Okay. (1:00:02) Fair. (1:00:02) I think visionaries need to be there and people that we need visionaries and we need people who say it.(1:00:08) That I think is one of the reasons I don't belong. (1:00:10) I would say so. (1:00:10) I think it's really hard to belong when you're, when you're a visionary.(1:00:14) I know that it is because that's one thing that I will share is not everybody is like nobody is statistically, statistically speaking, nobody is. (1:00:25) It's fine for you to say that. (1:00:26) It's hard for me to say that.(1:00:28) I will say it, but I, you, yeah. (1:00:30) Okay. (1:00:30) 3% for goals.(1:00:32) That's that. (1:00:32) I can quote that statistic. (1:00:34) 3% of us are visionaries.(1:00:37) Apparently if you're, if you're tracking habits every day, you're a fucking weirdo in the best way. (1:00:45) And I love you, but you're a weirdo. (1:00:49) That's weird as shit makes perfect sense.(1:00:52) If you listen to this podcast every day, you're a fucking weirdo in the best way. (1:00:57) And I love you.

Alan Lazaros

(1:00:57) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:00:57) Fair. (1:00:58) That is something that's so hard for me to accept because this is nothing. (1:01:02) You ain't seen nothing yet, baby.(1:01:03) Oh, I know. (1:01:04) I know. (1:01:05) Yeah, but there's going to be even less, there's going to be less people 25 years from now until eventually it'll cross a chasm and be like, that's cool shit, man.(1:01:14) What they're doing. (1:01:15) It's cool. (1:01:16) I need to get on that train.(1:01:17) Yeah. (1:01:18) Hey, please help spread it. (1:01:20) Yes.(1:01:20) Personal development, fitness, all the success.

Alan Lazaros

(1:01:24) You were all here first.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:01:25) Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual habit tracking. (1:01:26) We were here first. (1:01:27) Please spread it.(1:01:27) Yeah. (1:01:28) We gotta jump. (1:01:28) I dig this.(1:01:29) This was cool. (1:01:29) I enjoyed this episode very much. (1:01:31) 1030.(1:01:31) It's hard for me, man. (1:01:31) I knew it would be a tough one, but. (1:01:33) I appreciate you going there.(1:01:35) Thank you, man. (1:01:35) These are always challenging because we don't, oftentimes. (1:01:38) You think that was good?(1:01:39) I mean, we'll, I'm sure we'll hear if it wasn't, you know. (1:01:43) No, but seriously. (1:01:44) Yeah.(1:01:44) I enjoyed it. (1:01:45) Nice. (1:01:46) I enjoyed it.(1:01:47) I know it's not because of value. (1:01:48) It's not. (1:01:49) I think the best value of that is literally seeing somebody try to work through belonging in real time.(1:01:57) I mean, it could be have done like a scripted episode. (1:01:59) Here's the three ways that's not, you know, that's not going to help anybody. (1:02:04) Yeah.(1:02:05) This is the real stuff. (1:02:06) This is the real stuff. (1:02:08) All right.(1:02:09) Next Elven Nation, if you are looking for belonging, that to Alan's point, that is quite literally why we built this the way we did. (1:02:16) We have a Facebook group. (1:02:17) There's a book club every single Saturday.(1:02:19) There's monthly meetups. (1:02:21) There's a bunch of stuff. (1:02:23) There's a bunch of stuff.(1:02:24) So if you're looking for somewhere to belong and you have not gone to the website or checked out the Facebook group or whatever, then there's an opportunity for you. (1:02:31) And we'll have all that stuff in the, in the show notes for If you want to reach your full potential and you want to be around other people who also want to, it's my favorite thing in the entire world. (1:02:48) It's my favorite thing in the whole world.(1:02:49) I have 22 clients. (1:02:52) One is four times a week. (1:02:53) Two of them are three times a week.(1:02:54) One of them is two times a week. (1:02:55) I think a couple of them are two times a week. (1:02:57) Now I have weekly bi-weekly.(1:03:00) I have monthly. (1:03:01) I don't do monthly anymore. (1:03:02) Shout out to my monthly clients.(1:03:03) You guys are grandfathered or grandmothered in. (1:03:05) I don't want to touch base just once a month. (1:03:07) That's I can to the monthly, but you'll, you're all sticking around, reach out, DM me on Instagram.(1:03:13) That's going to be me. (1:03:15) My email will be in the show notes. (1:03:18) If you care more about reaching your potential than you do about fitting in, because ultimately that's what I came to realize to wrap this whole episode up.(1:03:28) I realized I couldn't reach my full potential and fit in. (1:03:32) I had to choose. (1:03:35) And that was a tough choice, but I knew I was going to hate myself if I didn't reach my full potential.(1:03:44) I know that I know that I know that I know that I'm here to reach my full potential and help others do the same. (1:03:49) And I got to a point where I just, I just had to choose. (1:03:54) So if you want to choose your calling, your purpose, your mission, your goals over fitting in, reach out.(1:04:02) Powerful. (1:04:03) All right. (1:04:03) As always, we love you.(1:04:04) We appreciate you. (1:04:05) Grateful for each and every one of you. (1:04:07) And if you are as committed to getting to the next level, as you say you are, make sure you tune in tomorrow because we will be here every single day to help you get there.(1:04:15) Keep reaching your full potential. (1:04:18) Next level nation. (1:04:21) Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University.(1:04:25) We love connecting with the Next Level family. (1:04:27) We mean it when we say family. (1:04:29) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly.(1:04:33) Everything you need to get ahold of us is in the show notes. (1:04:36) Thank you again. (1:04:37) And we will talk to you tomorrow.