How Do You Actually Feel Like You’re In Control? (2174)

From chaos to calm, control begins small. In today’s episode, Kevin and Alan break down what control really looks like, whether you’re in survival mode, chasing big goals, or just trying to feel steady day to day. Through stories, simple frameworks, and relatable examples, they show how small wins, better inputs, and focusing on what’s truly within your reach can shift everything. If you’ve been craving more stability, clarity, and confidence in your journey, this episode gives you a practical starting point. Tune in today and take back the power to design your own life.

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For more information, check out our website and socials using the links below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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Email 💬
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Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(2:00) Survival mode Vs. Long-term trajectory
(5:00) Life as systems you can fix
(7:20) Four key levers of control
(9:20) Replacing old habits with better ones
(11:30) Meet your people. Chase your dreams. Level up your life with Next Level Group Coaching. https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/group-coaching/
(13:00) Circles of control explained
(18:00) Lessons from feeling out of control
(20:48) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Chapters

• 2:00 Survival mode Vs. Long-term trajectory
• 5:00 Life as systems you can fix
• 7:20 Four key levers of control
• 9:20 Replacing old habits with better ones
• 11:30 Meet your people. Chase your dreams. Level up your life with Next Level Group Coaching.
• 13:00 Circles of control explained
• 18:00 Lessons from feeling out of control
• 20:48 Outro

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) You hear people say all the time, I'm ready to take control of my life, or I'm ready to take control of my future. (0:07) I don't know if you really can be, if you don't know how to feel like you're in control in the first place.

Alan Lazaros

(0:12) In a movie montage, it shows the main character getting their shit together, and it's, they're on the treadmill, they're doing their resume and their cover letter, they're applying to jobs. (0:23) How in control of your life do you feel?

Kevin Palmieri

(0:25) Welcome to Next Level University. (0:28) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri. (0:30) And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.(0:33) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven, but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

(0:39) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:46) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

(1:02) Self-improvement, in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free. (1:08) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:14) Next Level Nation today, for episode number 2,174. (1:19) How do you actually feel like you're in control? (1:23) So Alan came to me today and said, Kevin, you're the greatest specimen of a human I've ever met in my entire life.(1:29) And I was like, just get to the point, man. (1:30) Just get to the point, right? (1:32) What's the point of this?(1:33) Tell me something I don't know. (1:34) You're right. (1:34) I'm so sick of hearing it.(1:36) It's just, just wasting my time at this point. (1:39) So in yesterday's episode, we talked about how we're gonna do an episode on trajectory mattering more than current position. (1:44) And I said, the thing that I think we have to talk about at some point, maybe in that episode, maybe before, is trajectory only matters...(1:54) No, hold on. (1:54) Let me, let me reframe. (1:56) For most people, current position feels like it matters more than anything, because that's what we feel like we're in control of.(2:03) As somebody who felt stuck, quote-unquote, for so much of my life, that quote, that line, trajectory matters more than current position, I would've been like, dude, that's dumb as shit. (2:13) Doesn't make any sense. (2:15) My trajectory does not feel like it's any different than my current position.(2:20) The angle of incline does not seem like it's there at all. (2:24) I need to feel like I'm actually in control of my life before I believe that, so I figured doing an episode on that might be of value.

Alan Lazaros

(2:30) So the metaphor is take a plane from Boston to Los Angeles across the United States, and if you're one degree off course, you end up 150 miles off course. (2:40) Something like that. (2:41) I have to, I'd have to look it up, but you understand the metaphor.(2:43) If you're not in control of the plane, none of that matters. (2:49) Is what you're saying? (2:51) Yeah, not even that.

Kevin Palmieri

(2:53) So you don't feel like a good pilot, essentially? (2:56) Somebody's saying, well, if you keep doing this for five years, you're gonna be wildly successful. (2:59) It's like, I don't, I don't think I can do this today, never mind for the next five years.(3:06) That. (3:08) That energy. (3:09) That energy of, I know it sucks.(3:11) You think I can do this today? (3:12) That type. (3:13) I mean, in the beginning, I say this on podcasts all the time, and it sounds dumb, and it sounds like an exaggeration.(3:19) This is serious. (3:20) In the beginning, it was, I have to find a way to make enough money to get to the end of the day. (3:25) I have to make enough money to get to the end of the week.(3:27) I have to make enough money to get to the end of the month. (3:29) That was it, in the beginning. (3:30) So in the beginning, it started as, I need to find a way to make some fucking money today, so I can do this again tomorrow.(3:36) I was not, I was thinking of survival, not trajectory. (3:40) What about, okay, what about now? (3:43) Now, it's trajectory, but I, all of my basic human needs are met.(3:48) It's not as hard now to worry about the future when I don't think I'm drowning.

Alan Lazaros

(3:55) Okay, this is the iPhone 16 Pro Max, and if you want to, let's say it were a break, I would have to take it to someone who knows how it works to fix it. (4:07) Yes. (4:08) I feel, one time I smashed one of my phones.(4:14) It was an iPhone, this is like three or four years ago. (4:15) I took it to a tech, and he pulled the whole thing apart. (4:20) He was really fast with it, too.(4:22) I found him on Facebook. (4:24) He was awesome at what he did. (4:26) He made it look super easy, and I, I saw the inside of the phone.(4:29) I was like, jeez. (4:30) Now again, it's basically a mini computer, and as a computer engineer, I obviously know the components, but I like to think of life that way. (4:39) So if your phone breaks, you have to take it to someone who knows how the phone works to fix it.(4:45) If your car breaks, you have to take it to a mechanic who knows how to fix it. (4:49) If your TV breaks, you have to take it to a tech who knows how to fix it. (4:54) Why do they know how to fix it?(4:55) They know how to fix it because they know how it works. (4:57) They've taken it apart, and they understand all the different components, and they understand how the components work together to make the TV work, and the phone work, and the car work. (5:06) Life is the exact same way, in my opinion.(5:08) It's just more complex. (5:10) So once you know how your brain, your body, your central nervous system, peripheral nervous system, subconscious, unconscious, once you know how it all works, now you can fix it. (5:21) So you know how Kevin works.(5:23) You know how the economy works. (5:25) You know how podcasting works. (5:27) You know how sales works.(5:28) You know how marketing works, and branding works. (5:31) You know how business works. (5:32) You know how finance works.(5:33) So now when your life breaks, quote-unquote, in this metaphor, you can fix it. (5:38) Whereas before, you couldn't. (5:40) When I say life by design, I gave a speech yesterday to...(5:45) It was anywhere from 300 to 1,000 students. (5:48) At one point, there was 300, but then I was sharing screen, so I couldn't see it. (5:51) But the point is, they build champions, is their motto, and it was reverse engineering finish line.(5:57) This is 10 year olds to 18 year olds, and I've got a lot of great feedback. (6:00) It was good. (6:01) I went in humble, and it was, I do believe, the best training I've ever given to kids.(6:07) That said, I was trying to explain that. (6:12) The more you learn about yourself, others, and the world, the more you understand the different components, like government, private, public companies, the more you can fix problems. (6:26) So your computer breaks.(6:28) Do you know how to fix it? (6:29) Probably not. (6:30) Maybe you don't know how it works.(6:31) You got to take it apart. (6:32) I think everyone would benefit from taking apart their life, and you're gonna go micro after I go macro. (6:42) So these are the basic components of your life.(6:45) Number one is what you pay attention to. (6:49) These are the inputs. (6:52) The advertisements you listen to, the podcasts you listen to, the books you read, the TV shows you watch, the movies you watch.(6:59) You and I talked about Happy Gilmore 2, how we had to shut it off because it was garbage, or did I? (7:03) It was me. (7:04) You shut it off.(7:04) I sat through it because I was with other people. (7:08) I was watching it. (7:09) I thought one scene was really funny.(7:11) Emilia heard me laughing my ass off, and then we gave it a shot, and then we had to turn off because it was, I think, garbage. (7:16) Again, my opinion. (7:19) I work really hard to not get crappy inputs.(7:23) If you put crappy ingredients into your life, you're gonna have a bad life. (7:28) So inputs is number one. (7:29) Number two is resources, time, effort, and money.(7:33) So where do you put your resources? (7:35) Number three is what you say, think, do, feel, and believe. (7:39) That's what you're in control of.(7:40) Number four is persons, places, things, and ideas. (7:43) So I believe in this podcast. (7:47) I invest in Kevin Palmieri, and I put time and effort into Kevin Palmieri.(7:52) We put money into this podcast, and I believe in the listeners, and so it's a win-win-win-win-win scenario. (7:59) So when you were unsure whether or not we'd be successful podcasters, what if I was certain we would be because I knew the equation?

Kevin Palmieri

(8:08) I would say that's fair. (8:09) Because how do we teach other people the equation? (8:14) That's what I think we do on this show all the time.(8:16) But it's also, let's, I want to go micro. (8:18) Let's do that. (8:19) Yeah, micro.(8:20) Because this is the thing. (8:22) Right now, I feel whatever level of control, and you would give me those things. (8:29) You'd say, okay, influences what you're watching, what you're hearing, the people around you, where you're investing your time, what you believe in, all that stuff.(8:36) And then under each of those, there's a fucking giant list. (8:40) 100%. (8:40) And then I have to go through and say, this is green, this is green, this is green.(8:43) Ooh, interesting. (8:45) That is from a previous version of me. (8:48) I didn't even know I was still running that.(8:49) Wow, we can get rid of that. (8:50) Don't need it.

Alan Lazaros

(8:51) Give us an example.

Kevin Palmieri

(8:53) Uh, fuck. (8:54) You used to watch UFC, now you golf. (8:56) I'm swearing a lot, guys.(8:58) I'm sorry, not sorry. (9:00) This is, I like swearing at times, but I don't want to overdo it just to do it. (9:04) Yeah, I haven't watched UFC in a freaking minute.(9:07) And I like golf. (9:10) Golf is more constructive. (9:12) So that, I told Alan, I said, for the first time, not ever, but to the degree I understand, I'm really thinking from multiple dimensions.(9:20) So, if you said, why golf? (9:23) UFC is like the same price as a round of golf. (9:25) Why don't you just watch UFC?(9:27) I don't ever go outside, which I know is not good for me. (9:30) Golf is outside. (9:31) That's one.(9:32) Vitamin D, baby. (9:33) Vitamin D. (9:34) Two, I average 15,000 steps per round.(9:37) Nice. (9:37) That's a lot of steps. (9:39) Burning cows, baby.(9:40) And you and I are sitting all the time. (9:42) We're sitting all the time. (9:43) I meet new people.(9:44) I don't really care about that, honestly. (9:46) But it's, there's something about being stuck with somebody you've never met before that I think helps growth. (9:51) I think that's, very honestly, one of the reasons I was never super consistent with jiu-jitsu is it's hard to grapple with someone you've never met.(10:01) It's weird. (10:03) Like, I was always afraid I'd, I'd not be able to find someone I'd be, it's like the, just the fear of rejection thing. (10:08) So this helps me with that.(10:09) This will help me be more confident. (10:11) I assure you. (10:12) Guaranteed.(10:12) It doesn't seem like it. (10:13) So there's, there's three things right there. (10:15) I just picture you hammering them into the woods.

Alan Lazaros

(10:19) Hurting your confidence. (10:20) I'm kidding. (10:20) You're good.(10:20) I've gotten, I'm, I've gotten better over time.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:24) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(10:24) We were talking about Happy Gilmore. (10:25) So I'm just picturing some of that scene where he falls asleep behind the wheel of the golf cart. (10:31) I've never, I've never done that.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:34) I've never done that. (10:35) Look, I'm the guy who goes and everybody's drinking and it's like, oh, I'm good. (10:37) I have my water bottle.(10:39) I have my energy drink or whatever. (10:41) I'm, I'm trying to, I'm trying to grind out a good round here, but there's a bunch of reasons under that. (10:46) So yeah, UFC has kind of fallen.(10:48) It's kind of fallen off the pedestal for me and I'm sad about it for sure. (10:52) But honestly, the agreement I kind of have with Taryn, because golf takes a minute, right? (10:59) And I'm not going to get up on Saturday morning and go golf.(11:02) I get up at 6 a.m and I work Saturday morning. (11:04) Boom. (11:05) I said to Taryn, if I was to go at like 5 p.m on a Saturday, instead of watching UFC, what are your thoughts?(11:11) She's like, yeah, I feel like that's aligned. (11:13) Sunday's our date day. (11:14) So I kind of have to pick one.(11:16) I have to pick golf or UFC on the weekend. (11:20) And lately I've been picking golf. (11:22) So that's something that was previous level of Kev that has kind of changed a little bit in, in terms of inputs.(11:30) Next level nation, what is happening? (11:33) If you've thought to yourself, I want to try coaching, but you don't really know where to start, group coaching would be a wonderful place for you. (11:41) That's really why we created it in the first place.(11:43) We start a new round every 90 days. (11:46) So if you're hearing this, go to the website, nextleveluniverse.com and we have the landing page where you can actually hold your spot right now. (11:54) Even if there's a group going on right now, you can still lock your spot for the next one.(11:58) The biggest thing that we've seen is as we get closer and closer to the date, unfortunately, some people end up missing. (12:05) The group fills up and they can't do it and then they end up regretting that. (12:08) So please head over to the website.(12:10) The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there.

Alan Lazaros

(12:14) Go back to, okay. (12:18) I went macro. (12:20) This episode's about what you're in control over.(12:23) You are not in control of the weather, but you do influence it by recycling and all that kind of stuff. (12:29) We have the three circles of control. (12:32) You have what you have no control over, the outer layer.(12:35) The global economy, you have very little control over. (12:39) Who's president? (12:40) You have very little control over.(12:41) What country you were born in? (12:42) You have no control over. (12:43) No one chooses where they're born.(12:45) No one chooses their parents. (12:46) No one chooses. (12:47) So there's very little that you're in control over, but you influence a lot of things.(12:51) So I influence Kevin, but I don't control Kevin. (12:55) What I do control is what I say, think, do, feel, and believe. (12:59) So that's step one.(13:00) So I went very macro with all this and theory. (13:05) Go back and talk to Kev who felt completely out of control because I do believe anxiety to at least some extent is when you feel out of control of your own life. (13:17) And I think that when you feel in control of your own future, you tend to be more optimistic and hopeful and happy and fulfilled.

Kevin Palmieri

(13:27) I think it breaks down to, again, I try to make it as simple as possible because that's the way I think about it. (13:35) Where do you currently feel like you have the most control? (13:37) Let's start there.(13:39) And I mean in your real day-to-day life. (13:42) Let's go as micro as possible. (13:44) I'm not thinking about the freaking economy.(13:46) I'm not thinking about any of that. (13:48) I'm thinking of how much control do you feel you have? (13:53) If you said I need to find a way to make an extra hundred bucks this month, could you do it?(13:58) Start there. (14:00) I need to find a way to feel better in my own body. (14:02) Could you do it?(14:03) Start there. (14:04) I'm saying start as micro as humanly possible. (14:07) Now, wherever you are in your growth, it's going to be different for you.(14:10) For me, I'm thinking about how many sets and reps I'm going to do at the gym and I'm thinking about how much sleep I'm going to get and how much water I'm going to drink. (14:18) Maybe I'm thinking more what's the word complex than somebody who would just start the journey. (14:25) I would start as small as humanly possible and I would gather the clues that you have from the control that you feel you have and then I would try to bring that out a little bit.

Alan Lazaros

(14:35) That's where I would start. (14:36) Let's do green, yellow, red. (14:37) How, listener, viewer, how in control do you feel of your health, your wealth, and your love?(14:42) And you can break them down. (14:44) I think this is why I love equations so much because it gives you control. (14:51) If you know how to sleep well, you know how to hydrate well, you know how to train well, you know how to eat well, you can be in shape.(14:59) Okay, one thing I'll share vulnerably is I feel very helpless in certain areas. (15:05) Okay. (15:07) One example would be the global environment.(15:11) I think we're destroying the earth. (15:13) I don't think that. (15:14) I scientifically know that.(15:16) I feel helpless. (15:18) I fucking hate it. (15:20) There's nothing I can do other than recycle.(15:23) Our garage is full of recycling right now. (15:29) So I do all I can do and that's all I can do. (15:31) And I think all of us have to live in this trauma window is what it's called.(15:35) And when you think too much about things you can't control like the election and all that, it's too much. (15:40) It's tough. (15:40) I know there's places in the world where you have a lot less control over.(15:45) That's why I feel so grateful we get to be successful podcasters. (15:48) There's places in the world where you can't do that. (15:49) You're not in control of that.(15:51) And so I don't know. (15:54) We all are kind of stuck in a world where we have to focus on what we can do with what we have. (16:02) If a meteor strikes the earth right now, there's nothing we can do about it.(16:07) And that's a possibility. (16:09) I would hide under the bed. (16:10) Yeah, okay.(16:10) You can hide under your bed. (16:11) That'll be great. (16:12) Thank you.(16:12) But you can't think about that every day. (16:15) If that happens, we're all screwed, right? (16:16) So I try really hard and this this will be what I say at the end here.(16:21) Let me ask you this. (16:23) Can you hear Tucker? (16:24) Of course.(16:25) This whole episode's going off the rails. (16:26) We apologize. (16:27) I don't know what's going on outside, but whatever.(16:30) Kev, I spend the majority of my consciousness trying to stay focused on what I do have control over. (16:38) How I treat Emilia. (16:40) What we do and don't do in business.(16:42) What I learn. (16:44) I spent the other night just combing through books trying to figure out what the next book is going to be. (16:50) Because Flowers for Algernon was magnificent.(16:52) It changed my life. (16:53) I want that next fucking book. (16:56) How often are you trying to control your focus on the things that are within your control?(17:04) Very often.

Kevin Palmieri

(17:05) Yeah, there are certain things that I think of for a little bit and then I say, that's not it right now. (17:13) Like that doesn't, that's not it. (17:14) That's not it.(17:15) It doesn't, I'm not doing that right now. (17:18) Give me an example. (17:19) I love it.(17:23) Where am I going to invest my money in the future? (17:27) Where am I going? (17:28) That's actually a good, that's a good use of consciousness.(17:30) But it's, it doesn't matter right now. (17:32) Yeah. (17:32) What matters right now is making sure you make money.(17:35) Make money. (17:35) Yeah. (17:35) And then we'll worry about investing the difference at a later date.(17:38) Just something simple like that. (17:40) Just something simple where I'm thinking of something in the future that is, I'm currently working on with the amount of control I have, but I don't have the control to be that specific yet. (17:51) It's cool to think about.(17:52) It's constructive to think about. (17:53) I just can't sit around thinking about it all day. (17:54) Yeah.(17:55) I think that's a good example.

Alan Lazaros

(17:57) What did Kev think about this back in the day? (18:00) Someone who felt completely out of control of their career, out of control of their life. (18:04) And you've admitted that.

Kevin Palmieri

(18:06) One, I needed somebody to say, hey, everybody kind of goes through this. (18:09) And not everybody, most people go through this. (18:11) Of course.(18:11) They just don't fucking tell you. (18:13) Nobody's going to tell you that they feel out of control. (18:15) I feel out of control in business right now.(18:17) I'm burning down, burning down. (18:20) Health, I was, I felt out of control for a couple of weeks. (18:23) I could not go to the gym to save my fucking life.(18:26) Now I feel back in control because I've gone for two days.

Alan Lazaros

(18:28) Nice.

Kevin Palmieri

(18:29) Relationship has been really good. (18:31) Hell yeah, I feel very in control of my relationship right now, which is awesome. (18:33) Because if I had all three pillars crashed and burned, I would feel stuck.(18:37) Terrible. (18:37) So it would be one, you're not alone. (18:41) Two, where do you feel in control?(18:43) And what are the lessons we can take from that and pass to other places? (18:45) That's part two. (18:46) And then how much of your expectations are screwing with you?(18:50) You're not going to go from feeling out of control to feeling like you're the best in the world at something overnight. (18:54) That's not going to happen. (18:55) That's never going to happen.(18:56) And if that's the expectation, you're probably just delaying any result, any... (19:02) What's the word I'm looking for? (19:04) Relief.(19:05) If you think that. (19:06) I would probably start there. (19:07) Are we gonna have to do a part two on this, you think, or no?(19:09) If you want to. (19:10) I feel like I probably should. (19:11) Well, the second one is going to be trajectory over...(19:14) We'll connect it. (19:15) Yeah, we're going to do an episode on trajectory matters more than current position. (19:17) And we'll connect it to this because your trajectory...(19:21) This is the last thing I'll say before we get out of here. (19:23) The last thing I'm worried about is the dinner I'm going to have when I'm treading water if I think I'm going to die of drowning. (19:30) I'm not thinking of, yeah, when I get out of here, I got a really nice towel to dry off with.(19:34) No, I'm thinking I got to find a way to get out of here.

Alan Lazaros

(19:36) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(19:36) And I know I've been in that position many times. (19:38) And if you're out there.

Alan Lazaros

(19:40) Self-belief is an escape room that you know you're going to get out of.

Kevin Palmieri

(19:43) That's a beautiful way to put it.

Alan Lazaros

(19:44) Yeah, strong work. (19:46) Escape room.

Kevin Palmieri

(19:46) Group coaching.

Alan Lazaros

(19:47) Yes, please. (19:47) So everybody, we have in 38 days, we have a group coaching program. (19:52) It's called the Next Level Podcast Accelerator.(19:54) If you want to start, grow, scale, and monetize your podcast, it's level up yourself, level up your podcast, level up your business. (19:59) We have done 19 groups. (20:01) It's wild.(20:02) Yeah. (20:03) So this is the 20th group. (20:06) Use promo code NLULISTENER, all one word, all caps or lowercase for 30% off.(20:11) It comes to less than $25 per session. (20:13) You will not find more affordable coaching. (20:17) There's three coaches in this program.(20:19) 12 Weeks, Bootcamp, Next Level Podcast Accelerator. (20:22) It is a very well polished product. (20:24) We've never presented the same thing twice.(20:26) So we keep getting better and better and better.

Kevin Palmieri

(20:28) We had somebody who's at Podcast Movement, one of the biggest, I think it's the biggest podcast conference on the planet. (20:33) At the same time, they were doing group coaching and they said ours was more valuable. (20:36) You know, they said it, not me.(20:39) And I believe that. (20:39) I've been to Podcast Movement. (20:40) Nothing against Podcast Movement.(20:42) But I think our stuff's better. (20:43) I do. (20:44) Shout out to that person.(20:45) You know who you are. (20:46) Boom. (20:47) All right, cool.(20:48) As always, we love you. (20:49) We appreciate you. (20:49) Grateful for each and every one of you.(20:51) And if you are as committed as you say you are to get into the next level, make sure you tune in tomorrow because we are going to be here every single day to help you get there.

Alan Lazaros

(20:58) Keep reaching for your full potential. (21:01) Next Level Nation.

Kevin Palmieri

(21:04) Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. (21:08) We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

(21:10) We mean it when we say family. (21:12) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. (21:15) Everything you need to get ahold of us is in the show notes.(21:19) Thank you again, and we will talk to you tomorrow.