The Reason We Beat Ourselves Up… (2198)

Self-criticism that sharpens into strength. In this episode, Kevin and Alan share why self-criticism can either fuel your growth or hold you back. Discover how to find the right balance of feedback, raise your standards without crushing yourself, and turn tough moments into powerful lessons. Don’t miss the perspective shift that could change the way you talk to yourself.

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Show notes:
(3:11) Constructive feedback Vs. Rumination
(6:20) Luck, skill, and responsibility
(9:19) Finding the accurate middle ground
(13:55) Feedback depends on the person
(19:09) High standards and self-comparison
(25:05) Mental maps and self-awareness
(27:07) Too much or too little feedback
(30:31) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Chapters

• 3:11 Constructive feedback Vs. Rumination
• 6:20 Luck, skill, and responsibility
• 9:19 Finding the accurate middle ground
• 13:55 Feedback depends on the person
• 19:09 High standards and self-comparison
• 25:05 Mental maps and self-awareness
• 27:07 Too much or too little feedback
• 30:31 Outro

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) What if the reason you beat yourself up is because you do not know how to effectively give yourself the right amount of feedback?

Alan Lazaros

(0:09) In Thinking in Bets in Book Club, she talks about the difference between luck and skill. (0:14) I'm gonna make that land in this episode. (0:17) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:19) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri. (0:21) And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus. (0:24) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no-BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

(0:30) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:37) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

(0:53) Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free. (0:59) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:05) Next Level Nation today for episode number 2,198, the reason we beat ourselves up. (1:12) I was on a podcast the other day, and this is a question somebody asked me. (1:15) They said, why do we beat ourselves up?(1:17) And my initial reaction and the thing I wanted to say first was because we're supposed to. (1:24) And I was like, well, that's not accurate. (1:25) I don't think that's accurate.(1:27) I think it can help and it can be constructive if you do it correctly. (1:31) And this is the first time I ever got asked that question, and I was like, I don't know if I have a good answer. (1:35) And I just sat with it for a second.(1:37) And I said, I don't know. (1:37) I think because our expectations of ourselves and our standards for ourselves are way beyond what we're currently capable of, and we have a very bad reaction to that and a very bad relationship with that. (1:50) Why are you fucking smiling?

Alan Lazaros

(1:52) Because I got to ask you something. (1:54) Yeah, you can ask me. (1:55) Did you, by any chance, do the Facebook memory of the day yesterday?

Kevin Palmieri

(1:58) I didn't. (1:59) You know what I've realized? (2:00) Dude, you've been posting way longer on Facebook than I have.(2:04) You've been doing this, like, I can't post some of it because it's not personal development, self-improvement and or it's like there's nothing there on that day of value.

Alan Lazaros

(2:18) Ten years ago, I went all in on social media. (2:20) I knew it would be the future. (2:21) I remember that.(2:22) I remember that. (2:24) I saw a clip of you yesterday. (2:26) The speech that you had the kids doing push-ups.(2:28) Oh, no. (2:29) Yeah, I watched the whole clip. (2:31) It was painful.

Kevin Palmieri

(2:32) Did you share it?

Alan Lazaros

(2:32) It was fun for me, though. (2:33) What? (2:33) Did you share it?(2:34) I didn't share it, no. (2:35) Why not? (2:35) I can send it to you.(2:36) Yeah, send it over. (2:37) I'll share it. (2:38) I'll send it over to the kid.(2:39) I'm a glutton for punishment. (2:40) I actually can't because it's a different day now. (2:45) Oh, so it's gone?(2:46) Yeah, it's gone. (2:46) It's not gone. (2:47) I could go back, but I'm not going to.(2:48) It's not worth your time. (2:50) My point of this is it had to do with what you were saying in the opening. (2:59) What were you saying in the opening?

Kevin Palmieri

(3:01) Oh, yeah. (3:02) Struggling a little bit to find flow here on a Saturday. (3:04) What was I saying in the opening?(3:06) I was on a podcast. (3:06) I think one of the reasons we beat ourselves up is because our... (3:09) Yeah, cool.(3:10) Got it. (3:11) Nice. (3:11) You beat yourself up a ton about that speech.

Alan Lazaros

(3:16) Yes. (3:18) That was constructive, but also I think in hindsight it was better than you think.

Kevin Palmieri

(3:25) The only reason it was constructive is because I knew and I believed that I was capable of more and I was willing to do the work to get there. (3:32) Imagine if I didn't think I could get better and I just beat myself up and said, oh my God, that was embarrassing. (3:38) Oh my goodness, I had the kids do push-ups.(3:40) Holy shit, that was terrible. (3:42) I would just ruminate and ruminate. (3:44) I think that's where a lot of people are, unfortunately.

Alan Lazaros

(3:47) It was very clear that you had no idea what you were going to say next. (3:50) No one else I don't think could tell. (3:52) Dude, it's so fun for me when...(3:55) Never let them know your next move. (3:58) You were looking jacked in that clip, though. (3:59) I appreciate that.

Kevin Palmieri

(4:00) Yeah, for sure, you were bulking hard. (4:03) Bulking hard. (4:03) You see, real quick, this is selfish and completely irrelevant.(4:07) Did you see the picture of me at the driving range? (4:09) I went to the driving range last night after work. (4:11) No.(4:12) Take a look at my story real quick. (4:13) Right now? (4:14) Yeah, real quick.(4:17) First thing that comes to mind. (4:18) Are you kidding me? (4:19) I have to.(4:20) I made Taryn watch the whole thing. (4:22) Take a look. (4:24) She did it...(4:24) Was it consensual? (4:25) I'm kidding. (4:26) Yes, it was very consensual.(4:27) She loves and supports me and my weird golf game. (4:30) Take a look. (4:31) Yeah, legs.(4:33) No. (4:34) Look at the vascularity on the kid.

Alan Lazaros

(4:35) Jesus Christ, the lighting. (4:37) Oh, so I didn't see the zoom in. (4:39) Oh, you got to see...(4:40) Yeah, I didn't see the zoom in. (4:41) So at first, it's just thick legs. (4:43) I do have thick legs.

Kevin Palmieri

(4:44) Thick boy thighs.

Alan Lazaros

(4:45) And then, yeah, definitely vascularity.

Kevin Palmieri

(4:47) Evidently, driving range lighting is peak lighting for whatever reason. (4:51) It is peak lighting. (4:52) Okay.(4:54) I believe that it's just like everything else we talk about. (5:00) Self-belief, self-worth, all of that stuff. (5:01) The goal is to get to five.(5:04) If... (5:04) If I, as a speaker, was just like, oh, it doesn't matter anyway. (5:08) You know, they're just kids.(5:09) They're not going to know the difference. (5:10) That's not... (5:11) I'm not beating myself up enough.

Alan Lazaros

(5:13) Agreed.

Kevin Palmieri

(5:13) Wait, let's imagine. (5:15) Let's imagine you've been cooking for 10 years. (5:17) And you get the opportunity to go to a cook-off of some sort.(5:21) And you... (5:22) It doesn't go well. (5:23) And you say, oh, I didn't really care that much anyway.(5:25) That's not enough. (5:26) No, that's not good. (5:27) That's not enough feedback.(5:28) Assuming you're optimizing for getting better.

Alan Lazaros

(5:30) Assuming you're optimizing for getting better. (5:32) Which is why I always bring it back to that. (5:34) Like, that's what I hope every listener or reviewer hears here.(5:38) If you're not optimizing for getting better, you actually, by definition, can't give yourself the right amount of constructive feedback. (5:45) Because most people in the book we're reading in Book Club, Thinking and Bets, she's talking about how most people are optimizing for feeling good. (5:53) If you're optimizing for feeling good, you're never going to give yourself negative feedback.(5:57) Well, I'm assuming if you're listening to this, you're optimizing to get better, right?

Kevin Palmieri

(6:00) So... (6:00) Of course. (6:01) I feel like we're...(6:01) I think that's important to say. (6:03) I agree. (6:03) I agree.(6:04) I agree. (6:04) My point on this is you can be over or you can be under. (6:08) You don't...(6:09) Don't put the spoon away and say, I'm never cooking chili again because it didn't go well. (6:13) That's not going to work. (6:14) That's not constructive.(6:15) But don't say, oh, I didn't care. (6:17) I'll never forget. (6:18) I'll never forget.(6:20) In... (6:20) I think this was like... (6:21) This was middle school, okay?(6:23) In middle school, I was dating. (6:25) And by dating, I mean nothing because I was in middle school. (6:29) One of the more popular girls, Amy.(6:31) I dated Amy in middle school. (6:32) I think you also probably dated her at some point.

Alan Lazaros

(6:34) Yes, I did.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:35) And again, probably meant very little, but that's okay. (6:38) How fucking dare you? (6:39) I know, I'm the worst.(6:39) We slow danced several times. (6:42) I respect it. (6:42) I respect it.(6:43) That didn't happen to me. (6:45) I was not big into the dancing scene at the time or now. (6:48) Walking back from gym class one day, my buddy Nate stops me.(6:52) Says, hey man, did you hear? (6:54) I said, no, what did I hear? (6:56) Amy broke up with you.(6:58) And I said, ah, fuck. (6:59) You think I even care? (7:00) Do you think I even care?(7:01) I was devastated. (7:02) Oh, I was devastated. (7:05) That I probably should have had.(7:07) And again, I know it's a silly story, but I probably should have had more interest in why that happened rather than not taking ownership for any of it. (7:16) I was devastated.

Alan Lazaros

(7:19) In book club, we were talking about this. (7:21) I opened it with this. (7:22) Some people are on one extreme.(7:25) And in the book to provide context, she's talking about how. (7:29) It's a book about thinking in bets, which is based on her. (7:32) She's a poker player.(7:33) She says that seven, two out of suit is the worst hand in Texas Hold'em poker. (7:38) So Kevin is nodding his head. (7:39) Yes, because he's played.(7:40) All right. (7:41) And I read. (7:43) Also true.(7:44) Yeah. (7:45) In the book, she talks about a player who would win with seven, two, and then think it was because he was awesome. (7:51) But when he lost, he thought it was just bad luck, which.(7:55) There are some people I know that I've coached that everything's their fault. (8:01) And when things go wrong, they take full responsibility. (8:03) And when things go right, they take no credit.(8:08) There's the other extreme where when things go right, they take all the credit. (8:12) And then when things go wrong, they take zero responsibility. (8:16) Both of them are inaccurate.(8:18) And both of them are not constructive. (8:22) If this podcast episode goes well, a portion of that credit should go to me. (8:27) If this podcast episode fucking blows, a portion of that responsibility should be on me.(8:34) Why, though? (8:35) Why? (8:36) Because that's the only way to improve.(8:39) That's the only way to get better. (8:41) When I listened to your speech from six years ago, it was. (8:46) I think it's garbage.(8:48) I thought it was fucking terrible. (8:49) I would concur. (8:50) Okay.(8:51) But for your second speech ever. (8:54) Yeah, well, that's like pretty fucking good. (8:56) That's why context matters so much.(8:57) That's why context matters. (8:59) So it all depends on what is constructive for you. (9:05) Now, if I had said to Kev back then, hey, man, hey, that was awful.(9:09) Like you should never speak again. (9:10) That is not constructive because that's not that true. (9:14) You did a reasonable job for your second speech.(9:16) Great job. (9:17) Let's do better next time, huh? (9:19) Five is the accurate truth in the center.(9:21) And I feel like so often we're just so. (9:24) I know some people where nothing's their fault. (9:26) Everything's someone else's fault.(9:28) And they just had a bad hand over and over and over again in their life. (9:31) And then other people, it's like all they do is make good choices and do good things. (9:37) And then sometimes bad things happen.(9:39) And they still never give themselves any of the credit. (9:42) And I think it's tough because no one's fully accurate. (9:46) It's not like you can get.(9:47) Okay, what percentage of the credit is mine if this podcast episode is good? (9:53) About 2% probably. (9:54) Give or take.(9:56) You can say 50-50. (9:58) You can say 80-20. (9:59) You can say 20-80 the other way.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:01) 50.

Alan Lazaros

(10:01) It's true. (10:02) 50-50, right? (10:03) Right.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:04) Depending on who talks more. (10:06) But even then, that's a. (10:09) No.(10:09) I mean, there's so many. (10:10) Well, that 50% is factoring in that you know this better or worse than I do. (10:15) And you added the value.(10:16) Like, that's all factored in, right?

Alan Lazaros

(10:18) The worst leader of all time, I think, is if this goes poorly, I blame Kevin. (10:25) If it goes well, I take credit. (10:28) I used to be the other leader where if this goes well, I take zero credit.(10:32) And I give Kevin all the credit. (10:34) If it goes poorly, I take all the responsibility. (10:36) I'm still on that end when it comes to business.(10:39) Like, as the CEO, if we go out of business, it's my fault primarily. (10:42) And I do believe that. (10:43) But it's not all my fault.(10:45) I would say a larger percentage my fault than anyone else. (10:47) But no one talks like that. (10:49) In my head, it makes perfect sense.(10:51) When I speak about it, it doesn't. (10:53) If NLU is successful, it will be in large part because of me being a great CEO. (11:00) If it's a failure, it will be in large part because I was a shitty CEO.(11:04) But it's not 100% or 0%. (11:09) It's probably around 30% or something. (11:11) It's actually probably more like 80.(11:12) But it depends. (11:13) It depends on the situation. (11:14) It depends on the company.(11:15) And it's very hard to know the truth. (11:17) But you have to seek the truth knowing you'll never fully know it.

Kevin Palmieri

(11:20) Well, that's the question is what does it actually mean to beat yourself up? (11:23) The only reason I even answered the question in that way was because she said beat yourself up. (11:27) To me, beating yourself up has a negative connotation.(11:30) And it means you're giving yourself a harsher level feedback than might be constructive. (11:37) I'm not necessarily beating myself up. (11:39) I'm not beating myself up when I say I'm out of shape.(11:42) When I'm out of shape, I'm not. (11:44) But if I walked up to somebody in the streets and said what I say to myself, that would not be good for them. (11:50) But that's because my standards are high and my competence and confidence in this arena.(11:56) Is high and my relationship with it. (11:59) Is that's why I like bodybuilding such a weird thing. (12:02) Because you literally are getting judged on your body.(12:06) Which is quite literally some people's deepest fears. (12:10) Understandably. (12:11) Understandably.(12:12) But I'm relatively numb to. (12:15) I was at the driving range as I mentioned last night. (12:18) And there was a dude next to me.(12:20) Who I him and I had like a gentle conversation. (12:23) And he's like, Jesus, man, you hit that one straight as an arrow. (12:26) I said, thanks, man.(12:27) I'm working on it. (12:28) You know, I'm working on it. (12:29) And then he was showing me stuff for some reason.(12:32) Golf's like the weird place where nobody knows what the fuck they're doing. (12:34) But everybody wants to tell you how to do it. (12:37) Myself included.

Alan Lazaros

(12:37) That's life.

Kevin Palmieri

(12:38) Yeah, but golf. (12:39) It's like that's also like it's exponential in golf for some reason. (12:42) I don't know what it is.(12:43) And from a good place like the guy just wanted to add value is awesome. (12:47) And he was talking about how he's like, oh, you should turn more. (12:49) And I said, brother, this is all I got.(12:51) This is as far as I can. (12:52) As far as I can turn as a bodybuilder. (12:54) This is it.(12:55) Like this is this is it. (12:56) Bodybuilding does not translate to golf.

Alan Lazaros

(12:58) And we had a we had to do yoga. (13:00) That's a hilarious thing. (13:01) I used to do yoga when I was training and I was I was looking at some of these guys.(13:04) It's the best, though. (13:06) Oh, it's so good. (13:07) It's the best.(13:07) I'm all for it. (13:08) Yoga is unbelievable. (13:09) But just real quick here.(13:11) Side tangent. (13:13) How is that guy doing that? (13:16) I can't do that.(13:18) That's going to hurt my stuff.

Kevin Palmieri

(13:20) Jiu jitsu taught me a lot. (13:21) I trained with a dude who could put his leg over his head without touching it. (13:26) No hands.(13:26) He could literally take his leg and put it over his head. (13:31) Without using his hands. (13:33) What?(13:35) What? (13:36) In no circumstances that ever going to happen for me. (13:39) In zero circumstances.(13:40) I don't know if you could do it with a crane. (13:42) I could do it with anything. (13:43) I mean, while intact, you have to break some shit to get it up there.(13:47) When when. (13:49) If you were to explain it, when somebody says, why are you beating yourself up? (13:53) What is your explanation?(13:55) So I've heard this so many times working with you. (13:57) You're so hard on yourself. (13:59) You're too hard on yourself.(13:59) Don't beat yourself up. (14:00) What is your explanation of why it's actually not destructive to you?

Alan Lazaros

(14:05) Yeah, it depends where you are. (14:08) Some people are not beating themselves up enough. (14:10) Some people are beating themselves up too much.(14:12) So Christina, she wouldn't mind me sharing this. (14:14) She tends to overly look at what is not good and take responsibility for things that aren't even in her control. (14:22) Yeah, like if it goes poorly, she takes all the responsibility.(14:25) And if it goes well, she takes none of the credit. (14:27) And again, that's an extreme example. (14:28) She's getting better at that.(14:30) So it depends. (14:31) If you're Christina, you need to look at some more wins and look at where you're great. (14:37) And and honestly, sometimes you got to look around and compare to other people.(14:40) I have one client I'm thinking of who didn't think she was good looking. (14:47) And I said, I want you to do something for me. (14:49) This is a homework assignment.(14:50) I want you to actually do this. (14:52) And this is very uncomfortable, everybody. (14:54) Genuinely, we did this in book club, not this specifically, but something like this.(14:57) Comparison is very uncomfortable. (15:01) And in book club, I said, who here? (15:03) Don't answer this out loud, please, for the love of God.(15:07) Who here has the highest overall quality of life? (15:11) Just think it in your head. (15:12) Think it in your head.(15:14) And I went into why and all that stuff. (15:15) And out of context, it makes no sense. (15:17) But let me say this about my client.(15:19) I want you to next time you're in the gym. (15:21) I want you to actually find me another woman. (15:25) Actually try to find me a woman that you would trade places with, because she looks more beautiful than you.(15:32) I said that shit a year and a half ago. (15:35) And she has not found a single person in person. (15:37) Now she can find me a bunch of people online.(15:39) And I said, yeah, because online, it's the right picture, the right edit, the right. (15:43) I said, I need you to find me someone in person, a real human being in real life. (15:48) She can't do it.(15:48) I said, you are going to wake up and be 60. (15:51) And you're going to regret the fact that you didn't realize you were beautiful. (15:54) Figure it out.(15:55) Now, I'm a little hardcore. (15:57) Of course, this person is a hardcore client. (16:00) I was going to say, and this person could handle it.(16:02) Exactly. (16:02) She is ready for that kind of feedback. (16:04) I, the NFL versus Peewee football, you can't scream in the six-year-old's face saying, hey, man, pick up the fucking ball.(16:12) But you can do that in the NFL. (16:14) You're getting paid $10 million for this for fuck's sake. (16:16) Catch it.(16:17) Right. (16:18) Do your fucking job. (16:19) Now, that could be toxic if it's at a six-year-old.(16:23) But if it's in the NFL, of course, you're going to do that. (16:25) You got to. (16:26) Right.(16:26) So it all depends. (16:28) I'm always trying to be a good leader, but being a good leader means what are we doing here? (16:34) You've got to dial it up or down based on.(16:36) I have one client. (16:37) If you're listening, what's happening? (16:38) She's like, I don't really like you as much on the show.(16:40) Of fucking course, you don't. (16:41) You're a fucking multimillionaire business owner. (16:44) I'm a little softer on the fucking show.(16:46) Of course, I am. (16:47) I can't scream into the microphone every single time. (16:50) What people just want to get a little better.(16:52) As much as you'd like to. (16:53) As much as I would love to. (16:55) No, of course.(16:56) But at the end of the day, it all depends. (16:57) I can be harder on Emilia than I can other people because she believes in herself more. (17:02) Her standards are way higher.(17:03) Her own voice in her head is way worse than what I'm going to say. (17:07) Well, I literally have said you're fucking terrible at this. (17:10) And she's like, I know, but that's the point is she's.

Kevin Palmieri

(17:14) I think it's because she knows she can improve it because I was going to say, well, if somebody gives you the same feedback that you're already saying in your head, you're probably good with it. (17:23) But that's not true because if that's if the feedback you're giving yourself is completely wrong and you don't think you can change it and that's the story everybody else is telling you, then that's not constructive by any stretch of the imagination. (17:34) The hardest part of this too, and I'm going to ask you about this.

Alan Lazaros

(17:36) Everything is relative. (17:40) Okay, ready? (17:41) Here's a statement.(17:42) I'm a strong communicator. (17:44) That is completely predicated on what you're benchmarking me against. (17:48) Are we in a room of 100 random sample of human beings?(17:52) I am a very strong communicator. (17:54) Are we in a room with Tony Robbins and other world-class speakers? (17:59) Okay, I'm maybe an average communicator.(18:01) It's entirely predicated on who you're comparing to. (18:04) So for anyone out there watching or listening, who are you comparing to? (18:08) What are your standards?(18:09) How much do you believe in yourself in that arena? (18:11) And then how much feedback are you taking? (18:13) And this is an infinite game too, because I'm supposed to be harder on you than I am on some person off the street.(18:20) You're my business partner. (18:21) If I'm not harder on you, you don't get any better. (18:23) But what's the right amount of hard?(18:24) I think that's a good question to ask always forever. (18:27) I would agree.

Kevin Palmieri

(18:28) I would agree. (18:29) Again, this is another reason why trying to get the data, whatever data you can is so important. (18:34) Somebody sent me this the other day.(18:36) And again, I don't believe the stat necessarily, because how the hell would you know? (18:39) But it was something like one in 3,000 people can squat 405 pounds or something like that. (18:48) I'm not the one.(18:49) And I was like, whoa, that's accurate. (18:55) I can't right now. (18:56) Now you see yourself accurately.(18:59) But yeah, yeah. (19:00) But I think that's so if I go to the gym and I can only squat 275 that day, I can't squat 405 right now. (19:09) That's my goal.(19:09) That's what I'm trying to work up to. (19:10) But let's say I can only squat 275. (19:12) I feel like shit about that because my standards are high.(19:15) I beat myself up about that because my standards are high. (19:18) And that isn't that heavy for me. (19:22) That's better than 99% of people.(19:24) And but that's the, I think that's the thing. (19:26) That's the thing. (19:28) And you can't rest on that.(19:30) That's why it's so fucking hard. (19:31) You can't. (19:32) Well, congrats.(19:33) You're stronger than 99% of people. (19:35) Is that cool? (19:36) How did you get stronger than 99% of people?(19:38) By not knowing you were stronger than 99% of people and honestly not caring you to try because you just tried to get stronger and stronger and stronger.

Alan Lazaros

(19:45) This is why your reference group matters so much. (19:47) And I know we got to jump here, but who do you compare to and who do you associate with? (19:53) Your level of income, your level of fitness, your level of, but here's the thing.(19:59) If you believe in yourself a lot in an arena, you need to compare up. (20:04) If you don't believe in yourself a lot in arena, you have to compare down. (20:09) I, one of the hardest parts about my life is I'll say things like I'm out of shape compared to who I'm comparing to.(20:15) I am wildly out of shape. (20:17) I'm not joking. (20:18) Like it's fucking crazy.(20:20) It's not even close.

Kevin Palmieri

(20:21) I understand.

Alan Lazaros

(20:22) But I don't, they actually think that I think I'm out of shape and it's like, wait a minute and I'm going to be mean for a second. (20:30) I'm in better shape than you. (20:33) They actually think like I'm out of shape.(20:37) Do you understand why? (20:38) You know, I deductively reason the fact that I'm comparing up. (20:42) No, no, no.(20:43) People don't do, that's not how it works. (20:45) But you have to do that. (20:46) You have to, like if you said you were out of shape, I would filter that through my understanding of you.(20:50) I would say yes, compared to what you could be. (20:53) Definitely compared to what you used to be.

Kevin Palmieri

(20:54) But since I know most people don't do that, I very rarely, I, oh, there's always a caveat. (21:01) I will never say I am out of shape without context. (21:04) Almost ever.(21:04) I'm maybe on this show more than other places because we've said it enough, but I always say from my standards, for me, from my, I, I was a fucking bodybuilder. (21:15) No, it's, I don't think that's realistic. (21:17) If people could deduce things, no one actually thinks I'm out of shape.(21:20) Obviously they're putting themselves in your mind. (21:25) So no, they don't think you're out of shape, but they think you think you're out of shape. (21:31) Compared to what they think they would think about in your position.(21:35) I think that's my thesis. (21:37) People can't mind read. (21:40) People can't mind read.(21:42) I'm in really good shape right now, statistically, but compared to my, this is the thing. (21:48) Nobody can see your journey. (21:50) They don't see your timeline.(21:52) They see their timeline. (21:54) And when they see their timeline, when you say you're something, they're comparing.

Alan Lazaros

(21:57) They can't deduce my timeline? (21:58) No, no. (21:59) Well, that's a me thing because when, when you, I'm, when you say I'm out of shape, I'm looking at your past, present and future and the trajectory.(22:07) And I go, yep. (22:08) Well, you know, my past.

Kevin Palmieri

(22:09) Yeah. (22:10) A hundred percent. (22:10) You know, my present and you're able to, to expand, but most people don't everyone.(22:17) Yeah. (22:17) But most people don't know your past. (22:19) How would they?

Alan Lazaros

(22:21) But I don't, I do this with people too. (22:24) I know this is a you thing. (22:27) That's a you thing.(22:29) Yeah. (22:29) I can see the trajectory of everybody based on the data. (22:34) That's, that's a, that's why I always ask age.

Kevin Palmieri

(22:37) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(22:37) You know, that thing, you're not allowed to ask the weight or the age of a woman, quote unquote. (22:40) I always do. (22:41) I need to know the data.(22:43) Otherwise I can't help you. (22:44) It's like, I'm not judging it. (22:46) I just want to understand the data context.(22:48) Yeah. (22:49) And, and like a 61 year old who's a millionaire, if you take the 58 million millionaires in the world, I would say 70% of them are 60 or up 50 or up for sure. (23:01) Like there are no young millionaires unless they general, unless they have generational wealth.(23:05) So people aren't filtering everything through.

Kevin Palmieri

(23:08) You have to, that's like, um, it, all we have to do is go back to the social media conversation. (23:13) Everybody on social media looks like a millionaire. (23:16) 16 year olds, 18 year olds.(23:18) You can't assume they actually are. (23:20) Then you'll be hoodwinked forever. (23:21) Well, I know, but that's what, that's what many people are comparing to.(23:26) Many people are comparing to that.

Alan Lazaros

(23:28) So that deludes everything. (23:29) Well, that's a different episode, but you can't just go off what you see. (23:32) You have to extrapolate.(23:33) If you go off what, just what you see, people are only showing you the best or the worst of them depending on their core wound. (23:38) But that's another conversation. (23:39) I, I wanted to do one on mental map at some point.(23:42) Like I was thinking about this in book club. (23:44) Longevity is a word. (23:46) None of us are thinking of the same thing.(23:48) When I say the word longevity, some people don't even know what that means. (23:53) So longevity has all these categories. (23:55) So imagine this is the best metaphor.(23:58) Imagine you're doing a puzzle. (24:00) If you have 80% of the pieces, you can see the whole, you know, how you can see, oh, this is a, this is a ship or whatever. (24:06) I did a Titanic puzzle when I was a kid.(24:07) So yeah, it's a ship. (24:10) If you don't have enough data points in your mental map, you can't extrapolate. (24:14) So Kev, you could tell me like five things about your life and I'd be like, got it.(24:18) And then I can predict your future based on your belief systems and core wounds and all that kind of stuff. (24:24) But I think that's why I like coaching is because I don't need to know everything. (24:28) Someone comes onto the coaching call for a half hour.(24:30) The first 10 minutes is just me gathering data. (24:34) Just talk to me, tell me. (24:35) And I'm just, okay, puzzle piece, puzzle piece, puzzle piece, puzzle piece.(24:38) Okay. (24:38) I can fill in the rest. (24:39) We're good.(24:40) And I think sometimes people get offended because they're like, wait, how do you know that? (24:44) It's like, no, no, I understand. (24:45) It's just, I just, I just calculated it.(24:48) And for the listeners to make this a value, you have to do that with yourself. (24:55) You have to. (24:56) Like if you don't know enough about longevity to see the mental map of what is possible for you, you'll never go for it.

Kevin Palmieri

(25:05) Well, I think it starts with, I think that's why self-awareness, it starts there because you have to start by knowing about yourself.

Alan Lazaros

(25:10) I think knowing about the world teaches you about yourself too. (25:15) It's like a feedback loop. (25:16) You learn about the world and then you see where you fit in macro micro, of course.(25:20) Yeah. (25:20) Yours is micro macro. (25:21) Mine's macro micro, but it's the same thing.

Kevin Palmieri

(25:22) It is. (25:23) It is. (25:23) Yeah, it is.(25:24) Yeah. (25:25) I think the more I learned about myself, the more I learned about the world because I was able to reflect on what I thought about the world. (25:30) But the more you learned about the world, the more you could accurately assess yourself.(25:35) Yeah. (25:36) But I think it's chicken or the egg. (25:38) Same, same conversation.(25:39) Just learn whatever the fuck you want. (25:41) It'll be anything. (25:43) Just learn something about something.

Alan Lazaros

(25:44) I do agree though. (25:45) You can do self first, world second, or you can do world first, self second. (25:50) I was always world first, self second.(25:52) It makes sense.

Kevin Palmieri

(25:53) I think that's macro, right?

Alan Lazaros

(25:55) Agreed.

Kevin Palmieri

(25:55) Learn about everything and then how does it, I wanted to learn about me and then it was like, oh my goodness, I don't know anything about anything else. (26:02) Well, I should probably do that. (26:04) Wrap this in a bow.(26:05) Wrap this in a bow. (26:09) Only you know whether or not you're giving yourself the proper amount of feedback. (26:12) I am going to be harder on myself as a speaker than you probably are slash should be.(26:16) I've done this thousands of times. (26:18) I should be better than I am. (26:19) I should be better than you.(26:20) And if I'm not, I'm going to kick my own ass and I should. (26:24) And if I go do something for the first time and I've never done it, I probably should not beat the hell out of myself because it's not going to be constructive. (26:35) What did you think was going to happen, Kev?(26:36) You thought you were going to be the best in the world? (26:37) You just started today. (26:38) That's not going to be constructive.

Alan Lazaros

(26:41) This is why I have disclaimers before every book club. (26:44) One of them is if you're not here to get better, please leave now because I know that I'm going to hurt you if you're like, I don't want to hurt you. (26:51) Like if you're in a negative state, I'm going to be too intense.(26:57) Like if you're already in a negative state, the last thing you're going to want to do is just go get a ton more feedback. (27:02) So much feedback is dangerous for sure. (27:04) Yeah, but too little is also equally dangerous.(27:07) And I think that that's, that's the fucking, that's the theme of every NLU episode is drive to five, baby.

Kevin Palmieri

(27:14) We need a, we need to like make a Goldilocks mascot because that really is everything. (27:18) We are always talking about that. (27:19) It really is Goldilocks.(27:21) Too much or too little in everything. (27:23) And you're Jeffed. (27:24) All right, cool.(27:25) If you want to get to the next level in your podcast and you don't feel like you know enough yet and you're looking for the right amount of feedback, the correct amount with context, the next level podcast accelerator starts on October 7th with the discount code NLU listener. (27:39) You can enter that at checkout. (27:40) It ends up taking 30% off and it is literally $24 a call and there are 12 calls over the course of three months.(27:48) We've gotten really good feedback. (27:50) The last group, there's one more, one more call and yeah, we've gotten a lot of really good feedback. (27:54) And again, this was like a dream come true for me specifically, but I know Alan also as well.(27:59) But the fact that we get to pour into the lives of podcasters as podcasters is weird to me. (28:04) So we'd love to have you if you're heart driven, if you're humble, if you're somebody who's trying to do good in the world. (28:09) If you're not those three things, you're probably not.(28:12) You're probably not it for us and we wouldn't be it for you anyway.

Alan Lazaros

(28:16) These are the three disclaimers I read before every book club. (28:19) Number one, no one is 100% right or 100% wrong about anything. (28:23) What matters is what's optimal for you.(28:27) Number two, we are here to reach our full potential and to create an updated and more accurate understanding of ourself, others, and the world. (28:35) AKA, if you're not here to learn, please leave. (28:38) And then number three, if you are not here to get better, leave now.(28:43) Do you care more about actually getting better or do you care more about just feeling better? (28:48) Some of the biggest software updates I've ever had in my own consciousness is after the brutal feedback, after tough truths. (28:56) What happened there?(28:57) How did that happen? (28:58) What was that about? (29:00) And unfortunately, those ego deaths, those identity crises, those challenging moments of who am I again and what is this about?(29:09) Those are the things you have to seek out proactively if you want to grow and learn. (29:13) You know, the next iPhone is going to get better through researching how to make it better and it's not going to be predicated on just keeping it the exact same. (29:21) So if you're fighting to stay the same, do not come to book club.(29:23) Don't come to the monthly masterclasses. (29:27) But if you want to get better, book club and the masterclasses that used to be called monthly meetups, that's what they're about. (29:34) I mean, you're literally going to get in a room of people that just want to get better because they just wouldn't be there on a Saturday or a Thursday night otherwise.(29:43) And they're really quite incredible. (29:45) They, I mean, I learned a ton too. (29:46) We've done 46, 45 meetups, going to be 46.(29:50) And we've done almost five years of book club, 22 books. (29:54) So it's, it's free. (29:56) It's free.(29:57) And you, you will get better. (29:59) I promise. (30:00) I can't promise anything else.(30:02) It certainly won't be fun, but you will get better. (30:04) Your whole fucking life will improve. (30:05) I'm certain.(30:06) Well, you'll meet people.

Kevin Palmieri

(30:08) True. (30:08) You'll meet people. (30:09) That's a guarantee.(30:09) You'll meet people that are honest on a similar journey or have a similar destination or whatever. (30:14) They're into growth, obviously, if they're, if they're coming, right? (30:16) So that's two, two promises, two promises.

Alan Lazaros

(30:19) Your future will be brighter. (30:21) Statistically speaking, your future will be brighter. (30:23) You will make better choices.(30:24) You will update your beliefs. (30:25) You will have a deeper understanding of yourself, others in the world. (30:28) I promise.(30:29) I promise.

Kevin Palmieri

(30:30) All right. (30:30) Cool. (30:31) All right.(30:31) If you want your future to be even brighter than bright, the brightness that will come from book club and the monthly masterclasses, make sure you tune in tomorrow because we will be here literally quite literally every single day to help you get just, just that little bit better to get you to the next level.

Alan Lazaros

(30:46) Keep reaching for your full potential. (30:48) Next Level Nation.

Kevin Palmieri

(30:52) Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. (30:56) We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

(30:58) We mean it when we say family. (31:00) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. (31:04) Everything you need to get ahold of us is in the show notes.(31:07) Thank you again, and we will talk to you tomorrow.