Does Tough Love Work For You? (2212)

What if the tough love you’ve been dodging is the very fuel you need to level up? In today’s no-excuses, fire-filled episode, Kevin and Alan break through the comfort zone and lay down what real growth demands raw truth, ruthless accountability, and the courage to face your own reflection. This isn’t sugar-coated self-help. It’s a wake-up call for anyone ready to stop playing small and start owning their potential. Power. Pressure. Progress. Hit play. This is where comfort ends and greatness begins.

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Show notes:
(2:19) The fine line between feedback and shame
(5:18) When tough love actually helps you win
(7:03) How childhood shapes your response to toughness
(10:13) High standards and honest accountability
(12:06) Learning when to push yourself harder
(13:29) Turning ego into motivation
(15:40) The warrior mindset for growth
(17:57) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Chapters

• 2:19 The fine line between feedback and shame
• 5:18 When tough love actually helps you win
• 7:03 How childhood shapes your response to toughness
• 10:13 High standards and honest accountability
• 12:06 Learning when to push yourself harder
• 13:29 Turning ego into motivation
• 15:40 The warrior mindset for growth
• 17:57 Outro

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) If I talk to myself the way that Alan talks to himself, that probably would not be super constructive. (0:09) I didn't know this, but sometimes I kick my own ass. (0:14) Welcome to Next Level University.(0:17) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri. (0:19) And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus. (0:22) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven, but no-BS approach to holistic self-improvement Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.(0:35) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

(0:51) Self-improvement, in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free. (0:57) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:03) Next Level Nation, today, for episode number 2,212. (1:08) I literally almost couldn't do that number. (1:10) I was going to say 2,212, which it is.(1:14) But does tough love work for you? (1:18) I saw a clip today of a golfer. (1:22) Always got to bring some golf.(1:23) I already told you about this. (1:26) And they said, hey, is there any part of you that's afraid that you might get heckled? (1:31) So it's like the USA versus other places, some golf tournament.(1:35) And he said, I say way worse stuff to myself in my own head than anybody's ever going to say to me. (1:40) I'm not too worried about it. (1:41) I'll probably just laugh it off.(1:42) And while that can seem fairly dark, I'm guessing the reason this person is one of the best golf players in the world is because they're probably pretty hard on themselves, and it's constructive to them. (1:54) So we have to preface this, please.

Alan Lazaros

(2:03) Okay, this is not shame-based. (2:06) A lot of people... (2:07) So if you've ever seen a parent stick their finger in their kid's face and say, you bad boy or bad girl, like that is not what I'm talking about.(2:14) All right, that is not what I'm talking about, because that is destructive. (2:19) What is constructive, however, is Kev, you are a fucking professional. (2:26) Get it together, son.(2:27) I have an idea. (2:28) Okay. (2:29) Feedback to competence ratio.(2:32) That's good stuff. (2:33) Yeah. (2:33) You like that?(2:33) I think it's based on self-belief in a given arena. (2:39) Feedback. (2:39) So I said to Kev when we were off air just a second ago, I gotta stop calling you fat on the show, because you're not actually fat.(2:49) You're very competent in fitness. (2:50) You're not insecure about your body. (2:53) And you did get a little bit fat.

Kevin Palmieri

(2:57) I looked... (2:57) Yeah, yeah, for sure. (2:58) I was...(2:59) By my standards, yes, 100%. (3:00) I don't...

Alan Lazaros

(3:01) Fat's a bad word for a lot of people. (3:02) That's a trigger word for a lot of people. (3:03) A lot of people actually are overweight.(3:05) I would never go up to someone overweight and say, hey, you're fat. (3:08) That's not what I'm talking about. (3:09) But you and I have a certain relationship where we can do that.

Kevin Palmieri

(3:12) And you've called me fat before too. (3:13) Just like I can say to Alan, like, dude, that was... (3:15) That was the worst fucking speaking I've heard in my entire life.(3:18) Even though you're better than any other speaker that I know. (3:21) Yes, that. (3:21) That.(3:23) Yes. (3:25) Context.

Alan Lazaros

(3:26) All right, so I was on a coaching session last night. (3:30) And I said, what is your relationship to tough love? (3:34) Because I kick my own ass constantly.(3:38) But I do it in a way that I don't think is shame-based. (3:41) And the difference between guilt and shame, I gotta give you. (3:44) And Emilia, Brene Brown, there's a lot of researchers doing this stuff.(3:49) Shame is, I am a bad person. (3:51) Guilt is, I sucked today. (3:53) Kevin, you are not a bad person.(3:55) But hey, man, get it to fucking gather. (3:58) I think tough love, and I'll share the story where this came up. (4:01) I played basketball intramurals in college.(4:04) And we were in the semifinals. (4:05) We lost in the championship. (4:07) Fuck.(4:09) And again, it's intramural basketball, but it was pretty competitive. (4:11) The football team was ridiculously hard to beat. (4:14) And then the kids who won was the soccer team, actually.(4:17) But anyways, we're in the semifinals trying to get to the finals. (4:22) And there's someone who was on my team who's my roommate. (4:24) His name was Evan.(4:25) And Evan is an excellent basketball player. (4:27) And I say excellent as in like played in high school and was good in high school. (4:31) Okay, he's not in the NBA.(4:33) There's levels. (4:34) But he was good. (4:35) He was good.(4:35) And he could give it to me because he was as good as me or better. (4:40) And one time I was dribbling the ball. (4:43) And in basketball, if you're a basketball player, you'll know this.(4:46) But you have to do something with it. (4:47) Do something with the fucking rock. (4:48) Don't just dribble around like a dickhead.(4:51) All right. (4:52) And he said he yelled at me on the court straight up because I was just nervous. (4:56) These football players were huge.(4:59) And I just was trying to dribble around because to buy time. (5:02) And he's like, dude, do something with the fucking rock. (5:05) Right.(5:06) And later that night, we won the game. (5:10) So we're going to party. (5:11) And I was like, hey, man, you're kind of a dick on the court.(5:15) It's funny to go back to. (5:16) You were being kind of a dick. (5:18) He's like, dude, tough fucking love.(5:19) Tough love. (5:20) We won the game, didn't we? (5:21) And I was like, yeah, that's true.(5:24) He's like, if you did something with the fucking ball, I wouldn't have had to say anything. (5:28) And we wouldn't have won if I wasn't tough on you. (5:31) And I was like, yeah, that's true.(5:32) He says it means I respect you. (5:34) It's like, yeah, true. (5:36) Now, a lot of people can be toxic as hell and then say, oh, it's because I respect you.(5:41) So at the end of the day, and I have 21 clients currently. (5:46) I treat them all based on with the level of tough love. (5:49) And I think I can intuitively tell, like I was on with this client last night.(5:53) And I said to her, I said, are you in a good state? (5:57) How are you? (5:58) Are you emotionally well?(6:00) She said, yeah, I was like, so I can like dial up in this. (6:03) And then I went off and it's their private and it's all good. (6:08) But it's basically like, listen, I'm not going to sugarcoat it.(6:12) You're not going to fucking win with that shit. (6:15) And I went into tough love. (6:17) I think tough love is really important.(6:19) However, it needs to be done in the right way. (6:24) And Jim Rohn is a personal development speaker. (6:26) I thought he did a really good job of this.(6:28) He said, you don't shoot a cannon at a rabbit. (6:30) But you also can't use a BB gun. (6:34) And it's a metaphor.(6:35) I don't want to shoot rabbits. (6:36) But sometimes I got to come with the thunder. (6:41) Seriously, dude, I'm not kidding.(6:43) Like genuinely, sometimes you got to hear it and you got to hear it real. (6:47) And you got to let it hurt pain. (6:49) No pain, no fucking gain.(6:51) And sometimes if someone comes in a bad state, it's you got to be very soft. (6:57) And you got to work your way back. (6:58) And yeah, coaching is an art and a science.

Kevin Palmieri

(7:03) I think one of the reasons I didn't for a long time like tough love is because I didn't have a dad to give it to me. (7:09) So I didn't have it. (7:11) I think that's where like a lot of guys particularly get tough love.(7:14) It's from the men in their lives early. (7:16) And nobody, I didn't have that. (7:18) So I think I assumed, I think I just naturally assumed it was either toxic or the person had something out against me.(7:28) We had a, geez, I was telling this to somebody the other day. (7:32) We had a little league coach who everybody was terrified of. (7:37) We had somebody who was on the heavier side playing third base.(7:40) And he literally like yelled at him in front of everybody, his parents. (7:43) He said, get those ham hocks moving. (7:45) Get those ham hocks moving.(7:47) I was telling somebody that the other day. (7:49) I was like, are you kidding me? (7:50) No, I swear.(7:51) I swear to God. (7:52) And that was probably nothing. (7:54) That was probably nothing.(7:55) Yeah. (7:55) I don't think I ever really got that much tough love because I was good. (8:00) So it didn't really matter.(8:02) That's something. (8:03) You don't get tough love necessarily. (8:06) Or maybe it doesn't feel like it.(8:08) I don't know. (8:09) This is a tough, how do you know how much? (8:14) I don't even know if you're the person to ask.

Alan Lazaros

(8:16) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(8:17) With love, obviously. (8:20) You've given me a lot over the years. (8:22) But if you gave me the tough love that you gave me today, eight years ago, I would have told you to fuck off, probably.(8:29) It's interesting. (8:30) And maybe in a way, that's why I didn't. (8:32) I think you probably knew.

Alan Lazaros

(8:34) Yeah. (8:35) I also think I was a coward.

Kevin Palmieri

(8:37) Well, I probably was for the best.

Alan Lazaros

(8:41) This is the reason why I said no one tells the whole truth. (8:46) Yeah. (8:46) Hey, how do I look in this?(8:48) Fucking terrible.

Kevin Palmieri

(8:49) Work out. (8:50) Like, you can't. (8:51) But you think it, for sure.(8:52) I think you can only tell somebody the truth if they're ready. (8:55) The high performance versus high productivity episode, probably the worst one I've ever done. (8:58) Not maybe ever, but in a long time.(9:01) That wasn't a strong episode for me. (9:02) When we get off and if Alan says, hey, man, that wasn't it. (9:05) Thanks.(9:06) I know. (9:07) I said it before.

Alan Lazaros

(9:08) Yeah, I didn't have to. (9:08) I could see it in your face.

Kevin Palmieri

(9:09) Well, there's something to that. (9:11) There's something to that, right? (9:12) So I think it is a challenge if you're the person to deliver something to somebody that they haven't seen themselves.

Alan Lazaros

(9:21) By definition, it's not constructive unless it actually helps you improve. (9:27) We talked on an episode not long ago about growing up and a lot of people recognize this doctor, lawyer, engineer failure. (9:35) Like, what does that mean?(9:36) High expectations. (9:37) Can you imagine? (9:39) I don't know, being a Navy SEAL and never getting yelled at.(9:42) No, you can't. (9:43) You can't do that. (9:44) So we have layers of.(9:49) So I've come at you with shit that I then want you to bring to the team. (9:53) That's that's on purpose. (9:55) You signed up to be my business partner.(9:57) Like, I'm not going to go to, like, someone who just came on the team has known me for a month and a half and say, what? (10:05) You know, I'm not going to go off the handle, but I'm going to say, Kev, come on, man. (10:09) Come on.(10:10) Like, we can't. (10:11) I said this to Kev once. (10:12) I flipped out.(10:13) I was like, we do not ship shit. (10:16) Every time I listen to the fucking episode, there's something wrong with it. (10:19) This is a long time ago.(10:21) OK, because I know the team is listening. (10:22) But like, yeah, you better believe I'm looking at every fucking thing. (10:27) I'm tracking everything.(10:28) Always. (10:29) 24-7, 365. (10:30) That's why we're successful.(10:33) We're successful because we have high fucking standards that improve all the time. (10:38) I was in the gym with Amelia earlier, and on the way home, I had feedback the whole way home. (10:43) I told her three things that need to come up.(10:47) And she's like, I know, but your standards keep increasing. (10:50) And I said, I know always. (10:51) And she's like, yeah.(10:53) And we're good. (10:55) Like, she is a sicko, dude. (10:57) She is always looking for feedback.(10:59) And you don't have to sugarcoat it. (11:01) Sometimes I'm like, sweetheart, not nice. (11:03) Like, not nice.(11:05) You know, we call her Betty Bulldozer. (11:07) She has a part of her that we call Betty Bulldozer. (11:09) She doesn't give a fuck about your feelings.(11:11) She cares only about results. (11:12) And she'll give it to you. (11:13) And it's like, Betty, take it easy.(11:15) You know, I'm fucking vulnerable. (11:18) It's been a long day, you know. (11:19) I'm obviously being playful.(11:20) But I'm not joking, dude. (11:23) Like, that was my fear of starting a company with her. (11:25) I'm not going to be fucking kind all the time when we're running a company together.(11:31) You can't be successful and always kind. (11:35) That's not a thing. (11:36) That ain't it.(11:37) You can't. (11:39) You think Michael Jordan every now and then isn't like, fucking catch the ball? (11:43) Well, that's why a lot of people didn't like him.(11:45) But they love fucking watching his championships. (11:48) And they love all the fucking endorsement deals. (11:49) They love buying Air Jordan, Nike.(11:51) Yes, yes. (11:52) And at the end of the day, you can't be toxic.

Kevin Palmieri

(11:55) But you also got to, you can't be a fucking pushover either. (11:58) And well, this is about you, though. (11:59) How do you know how much tough love to give thyself?(12:02) That is the question.

Alan Lazaros

(12:03) Well, that is the question. (12:06) It depends on your state. (12:07) So assess your state first.(12:09) If you are at a level eight emotional self, if you have self-esteem at a 10 and you're fucking up, give it to yourself. (12:16) Put it on yourself. (12:18) This week I did.(12:21) I accomplished more than I probably ever have in my entire life, which is the first time I'm saying that out loud. (12:25) But I am accomplishing 90 percent of what I hoped to. (12:30) And I'm taking L after L after L.(12:33) And I had a moment yesterday where I was like, Alan, look, I was looking in the mirror in the now again, I'm sharing a part of me that is probably not socially acceptable. (12:42) I'm looking in the mirror in the bathroom. (12:44) Alan, get your fucking shit together.(12:46) Like put it together, man. (12:48) What are we doing here? (12:49) That got me.(12:51) It got me back. (12:52) Just like on the basketball court with Evan. (12:54) Like it did.(12:55) He got results. (12:56) Now, this is the thing that I'm going to share. (12:57) And then I'm going to get off the soapbox here.(12:59) You have to trigger someone's ego every now and then. (13:01) You had someone say something about you that triggered your ego recently. (13:05) And I fucking love it.(13:07) I literally was like, that's the Kevin I need to see. (13:09) I need it because you're like, see at the fucking top. (13:12) I need that.(13:13) That's what got us here, man. (13:15) You got to be competitive at least a little bit. (13:17) What did they fucking say about me?(13:19) What did they do? (13:20) I've been using that fuel my whole life. (13:22) And by the way, you can't get here or wherever to the top of any game without some of that.(13:29) Last piece. (13:29) Yes. (13:30) So I'm with a client recently.(13:31) I said, listen, I'm going to do this only because it's going to help you. (13:33) But I need you to know I'm doing this on purpose. (13:35) I'm going to tell you I'm going to do it in advance.(13:38) And he wanted me to kick his ass in fitness. (13:40) I know you're listening, sir. (13:42) I said, let's say there's 100 random girls in a room.(13:45) And we're on the beach. (13:47) Who are they? (13:48) What percentage of them are choosing you over me?(13:51) That triggered him. (13:52) And he has been crushing it ever since. (13:55) Because he was like, honestly, I think more of them would choose me.(13:57) I was like, are you? (13:59) And we got in it. (14:00) We got in it.(14:02) That's male ego shit. (14:04) And I get it. (14:05) But you got to use that because that's drive.(14:07) You need some drive. (14:08) And I know you guys know what I'm talking about. (14:10) You can't be an all-star athlete or an Olympic athlete or successful in business without a little bit of hunger and drive and necessity and tenacity.(14:21) This world is not for the timid. (14:23) And that doesn't mean you're toxic. (14:25) That's not what I'm saying.(14:26) I'm not here to hurt anyone else. (14:27) I was there to help him. (14:28) And he appreciated that.(14:29) And he's been kicking ass.

Kevin Palmieri

(14:30) So good for you. (14:31) Kicking ass and taking names. (14:32) We might have to do a part two on this because I want to talk about tough love with thyself.

Alan Lazaros

(14:37) Well, I want to hear from you as well.

Kevin Palmieri

(14:40) I think tough love is more beneficial for certain people than others. (14:45) I would agree across the board. (14:46) I think the best constructive thought is it's directly connected to your level of self-belief.(14:55) As I believe more in the things I'm doing, as I... (14:58) Yeah, I have higher standards in the things I'm good at.

Alan Lazaros

(15:02) You think people know that and that's why they're harder on me? (15:05) Probably. (15:06) One of the reasons.(15:07) Yeah. (15:07) And they might not like me.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:08) But I don't think it's... (15:11) Well, I think with some people it's obviously the second one. (15:12) But I think it's a mix of people want...(15:14) They think you want feedback. (15:16) They don't know where to give you feedback. (15:18) And you're really easy to give negative feedback to because you just take it.

Alan Lazaros

(15:21) Well, the part of you that I needed to see, that I'm grateful to see, that that person ignited is the warrior. (15:29) The warrior within. (15:30) You have a chip on your fucking shoulder.(15:33) You always have. (15:35) And I said, don't let the chip run you anymore. (15:38) But do not lose that.(15:40) You need... (15:40) We need that. (15:41) We can't change the world without that.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:43) Yeah, for sure. (15:44) Yeah. (15:45) I think we should do a part two.(15:46) I would love to. (15:47) I think we'll do a part two on this. (15:49) And yeah, we'll talk more about you.(15:51) I think this is all necessary though because essentially a coach is giving you a level of feedback that maybe you're not able to give yourself yet. (15:58) So I think that's like a really... (15:59) That's a really good point.(16:01) But yeah, we'll do a part two. (16:02) Okay. (16:02) Next Level Podcast Accelerator, October 7th.(16:05) If you're sick of hearing me talk about it, sign up.

Alan Lazaros

(16:10) Nice. (16:11) That's that. (16:11) We have a book club every week.(16:13) Also, we have a masterclass coming up on designing your own unique system of success. (16:18) It's on October 2nd at 5 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. (16:23) This is going to be the very first masterclass.(16:26) They used to be monthly meetups. (16:27) We did 45 months in a row. (16:28) We just changed them to masterclass, which is...(16:30) What does that mean? (16:31) We're going to put a little more effort into making them very specific, very targeted, and very hardcore. (16:37) Honestly.

Kevin Palmieri

(16:38) That is the new direction. (16:40) Next level. (16:41) Success.(16:42) Peak performance. (16:43) Come on. (16:44) You come here to get a little bit better every day.(16:46) Some days a little bit more than other days. (16:48) I like when you show the chip. (16:50) I don't always...(16:51) Sometimes I'm afraid to show the chip because you got your whole bag on your shoulders. (16:56) On episodes like this, you take the whole bag out. (17:00) The chip.(17:01) I'll show the chip. (17:02) I give myself really, really hard, tough love as well. (17:04) But it's definitely increased as my confidence has.(17:07) In the beginning, I didn't like feedback. (17:10) I asked somebody for feedback the other day after they said... (17:12) We got off an episode and they interviewed me.(17:15) Said, any feedback for me? (17:17) I said, yeah, I got a couple. (17:18) Here's a...(17:18) Look, I'll do a free call with you. (17:19) I'll give you all the feedback. (17:20) I'm not looking at it from that perspective.(17:22) I said, what do you got for me? (17:24) He's like, I don't know, man. (17:27) I said, give it to me.(17:27) Come on. (17:28) Let's go. (17:28) Give it to me.(17:29) And he's like, I don't have anything. (17:30) Nothing bad. (17:31) I said, well, send me an email when you do.(17:33) When you come up with something, send me an email.

Alan Lazaros

(17:36) Hey, I love that shit.

Kevin Palmieri

(17:37) You know what I mean?

Alan Lazaros

(17:37) I like that when you share stuff like that. (17:39) That's... (17:40) It's important for people to know, I think.(17:42) I... (17:42) Yeah, I... (17:43) By example, man.(17:44) I would never know that.

Kevin Palmieri

(17:46) It's fair.

Alan Lazaros

(17:47) People don't know that. (17:48) That's important.

Kevin Palmieri

(17:49) I would agree. (17:50) Yeah. (17:50) You can't get here without that.(17:52) I'm gonna lean into it. (17:53) I love it. (17:54) I'm gonna lean into it.(17:55) Okay. (17:55) I'm gonna lean into it. (17:56) All right.(17:56) Sounds good. (17:57) You sound good. (17:57) As always, we love you.(17:58) We appreciate you. (17:59) Grateful for each and every one of you. (18:01) And if you are as committed as you say you are to getting to the next level, make sure you tune in tomorrow because we will be here every day to help you get there.(18:08) Keep reaching for your full potential. (18:10) Next Level Nation. (18:12) Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University.(18:16) We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

(18:18) We mean it when we say family. (18:20) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. (18:24) Everything you need to get ahold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri

(18:27) Thank you again, and we will talk to you tomorrow.