A Conversation Every High Performer Has To Have With Their Partner (2246)

When ambition meets love, truth decides who stays. In today’s episode, Kevin and Alan break down what every high performer eventually learns the hard way. Success changes how you love and who can handle your drive. From “goals-first vs. relationships-first” dynamics to the real meaning of being a high-value partner, this conversation hits deep, honest, and unfiltered. Whether you’re building an empire or building a life together, this one will make you rethink what partnership truly means when purpose takes the wheel.

Throwback Photo:
Kevin & Alan’s Halloween Party (Genie + Backstreet Boy) - https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_YR9Uel9fHQSA8HIf2LpNKzdPlUql7eo/view?usp=drive_link

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Show notes:
(2:08) GR Vs. RG explained
(4:12) When success comes at a cost
(10:11) Why fake alignment destroys connection
(14:13) How ambition changes relationships
(17:33) The real meaning of “high value”
(23:00) Character over results
(26:02) The courage to be fully yourself
(29:43) Why honesty saves relationships
(33:25) How shared goals strengthen love
(35:12) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Chapters

• 2:08 GR Vs. RG explained
• 4:12 When success comes at a cost
• 10:11 Why fake alignment destroys connection
• 14:13 How ambition changes relationships
• 17:33 The real meaning of “high value”
• 23:00 Character over results
• 26:02 The courage to be fully yourself
• 29:43 Why honesty saves relationships
• 33:25 How shared goals strengthen love
• 35:12 Outro

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) One of the things I say on podcasts all the time that I think is kind of funny, I say the only thing worse than being an entrepreneur is being married to one. (0:08) And I assume it's probably very similar to being married to or dating a peak performer if you didn't know what you were signing up for. (0:16) Today we're gonna talk a little bit about that.

Alan Lazaros

(0:18) I think a lot of people want to be with someone of significance and wanna be with someone who has goals and dreams and they're dedicated to reaching their full potential. (0:27) However, do you also want what comes with that?

Kevin Palmieri

(0:31) Welcome to Next Level University. (0:34) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri. (0:35) And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.(0:38) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

(0:45) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:51) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

(1:07) Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free. (1:14) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:19) Next Level Nation today for episode number 2,246, a conversation every high performer has to have with their partner. (1:27) Look, you don't have to do anything. (1:29) I think it would be beneficial.(1:30) I was watching Business Growth University. (1:33) Alan Lazarus is hosted by the illustrious business magnet, magnate and coach, Alan Lazarus. (1:42) And I was watching the episode with Lauren Johnson.(1:44) And one of the things you guys were talking about was how being a high performer, essentially at the end of the day, when you're somebody who puts goals over relationships, it can make things challenging. (1:56) It can make things challenging. (1:58) And I think just to start this episode, that is, so can you explain RG and GR, and then we'll go from there.

Alan Lazaros

(2:06) So there's three buckets in this. (2:10) There's people who are goals first, relationships second. (2:14) That is definitely me.(2:16) There's people who are relationships first and goals second. (2:19) And then there's people that are fake goals first and relationships second. (2:26) So let me go through each.(2:30) All right, Michael Phelps talks about, so he has 23 medals. (2:37) I think 28 medals, 23 gold. (2:40) Most gold medals in history.(2:42) And I use him, I actually am a fan, but he has a documentary on HBO that talks about the weight of gold. (2:52) And he unpacks how many Olympic athletes have killed themselves because they lost themselves in their craft and because of how hard it is and the pressure. (3:04) And you only are recognized once in four years for four years of, you know, and it's a whole thing.(3:08) And when you compete at the highest level, you dedicate your entire life to something. (3:12) And then when you lose, it can be devastating. (3:15) I am so fascinated by that whole thing because, whoa, there is nothing more inspiring to me than someone who dedicates their entire existence to achieve something and they still might not.(3:26) Like that's, to me, just unbelievable. (3:29) But the reason I mentioned Michael Phelps is because he's obviously goals first, relationships second. (3:34) And he talked about how for five years straight, he was in a pool every day, birthdays, holidays, everything.(3:40) He missed everything. (3:41) He was in the pool every day, at least once a day, sometimes five times a day. (3:46) And he talks about this in interviews and how he brought mental health challenges and all kinds of stuff.(3:51) But he's an extreme example of goals first, relationships second. (3:56) I am definitely that, even though in the past, I think I tried to be relationships first and it never worked because I'm not wired that way. (4:03) And that always came to a head.(4:05) Then there's other people who are relationships first and goals second. (4:08) So goals first, relationships second is your relationships are a byproduct of your goals. (4:12) So my relationship with Kevin is one of the strongest I've ever had, but it is a byproduct of our mutual goals.(4:19) If you take away Kevin and I's goals, literally take them away, gone, we wouldn't even be doing this episode. (4:25) The talks we had earlier wouldn't have happened. (4:28) We would have gone back to back in the day when we would just cross paths barely, but okay.(4:36) So people who are GR, goals first, relationships second, their relationships are a byproduct of their goals. (4:43) People who are relationships first, goals second, their goals are actually a byproduct of their relationships based on the tribal stuff we talked about in the last episode. (4:52) So for example, if Kevin, this is hypothetical, but I think this is also somewhat true.(4:57) When I first met Kev, he had a certain goal. (5:00) He was kind of into personal development. (5:03) He had a company back in the day called Better Every Fucking Day.

Kevin Palmieri

(5:07) I would take it very easy with company. (5:08) Okay, you had a website, you had a website. (5:10) I would take it very easy.(5:11) We had maybe a blog post or two. (5:13) Okay. (5:14) It just wasn't very thought out.(5:16) Hashtag B-E-F-D. (5:18) Yes, it was something. (5:19) Better Every Fucking Day.(5:20) Yeah, it was something. (5:21) I loved it. (5:21) I appreciate that.(5:22) Hey, I saw that and I was like, that's what's up. (5:24) If more people loved it, honestly, that wasn't even the problem. (5:27) Gotta do it for more than like a week is the problem.

Alan Lazaros

(5:30) I loved it. (5:31) You think I don't know? (5:32) At Never Quit Kid, baby, I noticed those things.(5:35) I've been honing this relationship for longer than you know. (5:39) You came up to me at a Halloween party. (5:41) I don't know what campus labor is, but I like it.(5:44) I like it. (5:44) You were a goddamn genie. (5:48) Just for fun, for a second.(5:49) Do you have any pictures of this? (5:52) Yeah. (5:53) We have a picture.(5:54) We can blur out the photo of the other folks.

Kevin Palmieri

(5:56) The person's face is blurred out because of how hammered they were, I felt.

Alan Lazaros

(5:59) Can you send the team the photo so we can throw it up on YouTube?

Kevin Palmieri

(6:03) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(6:03) Yeah. (6:04) This is Kevin and I before we were business partners.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:07) I'll upload it.

Alan Lazaros

(6:08) I'll update it into the folder where this episode lives, too. (6:11) Nice. (6:12) Throw that up.(6:13) Awesome. (6:14) Kevin is in a genie. (6:17) You're like a genie in a bottle or something?(6:18) No, so I'm a genie.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:21) Nice. (6:24) And the part you rub is on my lower half. (6:28) Just saying.(6:30) The part you rub? (6:31) The part you rub is on my lower half. (6:33) And this was always it for me.(6:35) As somebody who is always in pretty good shape, the only costumes I would wear were the ones that required the least clothing. (6:41) That was just a rule of thumb. (6:43) That's how I came up with my costumes.(6:45) Please don't judge me on that, but I judge myself as well.

Alan Lazaros

(6:48) And I was a backstreet boy.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:49) Yes.

Alan Lazaros

(6:50) Withdrawn on tattoos. (6:51) That was Nick Carter. (6:52) Nick Carter, specifically.(6:53) I had my microphone. (6:54) I don't think I have it in the photo because we were ripping shots, but anyways, that's a different time. (6:58) My point of this, what was I talking about before that?

Kevin Palmieri

(7:02) I don't know. (7:04) Relationships are R-G-G-R.

Alan Lazaros

(7:06) Okay. (7:06) So Kev and I's relationship were built on mutual goals. (7:12) So I had a goal to be a successful podcaster.(7:15) He was my first guest on a podcast called Conversations Change Lives. (7:19) He insists it was a YouTube channel, okay? (7:21) But it says podcast in the title of the YouTubes.(7:24) We saw that on group coaching on Tuesday. (7:28) And so he was my first guest. (7:29) He had the Hyperconscious podcast.(7:30) I was his first guest. (7:31) So we teamed up as mutual goals. (7:35) So if you take away the goals, you also take away the relationship.(7:37) And you go back to you and I ripping shots at a random party that- Not bad though. (7:41) It's a decent relationship. (7:41) Yeah, not bad.

Kevin Palmieri

(7:44) I don't do that anymore. (7:45) So that would be the end. (7:46) But what if you did still?(7:48) No, no. (7:49) What if in an alternate universe, you and I are still Genie and Nick Carter right now? (7:55) Who knows?

Alan Lazaros

(7:57) That would be a hell of a throwback. (8:00) We're not gonna do that, but that would be fun. (8:02) It would be fun, honestly.(8:03) I think there's a part of me that wishes we could do that, but I just can't live with myself. (8:06) Okay, so we're gonna move forward. (8:08) And so goals first, relationship second, is I think a very small percentage of the population.(8:14) Based on my chat GPT research, only less than 4% of people have clear written goals. (8:19) So it's probably around that percentage. (8:21) Okay.(8:22) The majority of people, their goals are a byproduct of their relationships, which means if you are part of a community that has goals, you probably have your goals too. (8:29) So think of, you know, you have a friend who went to CrossFit and you started CrossFitting, and now you also have fitness goals. (8:37) They weren't actually of your own accord.(8:39) They were because you were a part of a tribe that had goals. (8:41) And so the world is filled with goals first, relationships second people, like Michael Phelps, and then people that are relationships first, goals second, and they hurt each other all the time. (8:50) They don't mean to, but like I had a friend who would be so upset with me that I didn't wish him a happy birthday.(8:55) I'm like, dude, I don't even notice my own birthday. (8:58) My own birthday is in like 10 days. (9:00) I genuinely don't care.(9:03) I know this sounds crazy. (9:04) I know a lot of people care about their birthday. (9:06) I'm not hating on you.(9:07) I just don't care. (9:08) So he would get upset. (9:11) And it's like, brother, don't take it personally.(9:14) I got bigger things to think about than your birthday with love, right? (9:17) And I now realize in hindsight, he's relationship first, goals second, doesn't really have any goals. (9:24) So he can't understand what it's like to dedicate my entire focus every day to orienting towards goals.(9:29) So I now realize that most of my being misunderstood and misunderstanding others is a by-product of this. (9:35) Now my least favorite kind are fake GR. (9:38) These are people who act like their goals are first when in reality, they actually care about the relationship.(9:42) And unfortunately, those people really end up hurting people and getting hurt because I've had people in the past do this. (9:50) I would be there for the goals and they would be there for the relationship. (9:55) And I take part in this too.(9:56) I probably pretended to care about the relationship more than I really did. (10:00) When in reality for me, it was about the goals and the mission. (10:03) And they definitely pretended to care about the goals and the mission when they didn't really give a shit.(10:07) And so eventually that delusion pops and then your heart gets hurt. (10:11) And so we're just constantly hurting each other by not being true to who we are. (10:15) And I am as guilty of that when it comes to this because I now lean into goals first, relationship second.(10:20) I don't pretend to care about birthdays anymore because I just don't. (10:23) So whereas I used to pretend to care and then that would create a manufactured relationship that eventually had to pop and that would hurt people. (10:31) So I'm done with all that.(10:33) And I think it takes tremendous courage to be all of who you are. (10:36) So own whichever one of these you actually are and then understand the implications of each.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:40) I was on a podcast recently and they asked, we were talking about something. (10:46) It was a very interesting podcast where they essentially interviewed me and they're gonna write a post about it. (10:52) Not a post, but like they're gonna write a blog or something, something.(10:56) And at one point I said, I'm really hard to be friends with. (10:59) And they're like, no, you seem like such a good, trust me, I'm really hard to be friends with. (11:05) When you're with me, it's easy, but that is gonna be very rare.(11:10) I said, I have, I see Alan all the time. (11:14) I would consider Alan a best friend, but again, based on this, I see Alan twice a year in person. (11:19) Two times, a year in person.(11:22) Next level Hope Foundation. (11:23) Next level Hope Foundation. (11:24) Now, if we get a studio again and all that, that might change, but that's based on the fucking goals, not because we wanna see each other.

Alan Lazaros

(11:28) Which is coming up, by the way. (11:29) Yes, squad, everybody. (11:31) We're gonna have the GoFundMe link soon.(11:32) Thank you so much. (11:34) We know who donates. (11:35) Thank you, thank you, thank you.(11:37) It's gonna be in December. (11:39) Stephanie leads that department. (11:40) There's gonna be a link soon.

Kevin Palmieri

(11:43) Probably in the next two to three weeks. (11:44) I think it's the 20th, I think we're doing it.

Alan Lazaros

(11:46) December 20th. (11:47) Holidays, we wrap gifts for the kids.

Kevin Palmieri

(11:51) Yeah. (11:52) Good, good, yes. (11:53) We appreciate you so very much.(11:55) And that is another thing. (11:57) This started based on the fact that Alan and I both grew up without our dads. (12:00) That was a common thing that we had.(12:03) Together, that brought us close. (12:04) That helped our relationship. (12:07) So, I see Alan twice a year.(12:10) Remember we used to fish? (12:11) I remember we used to fish. (12:12) Of course, I miss that.(12:12) Every Father's Day, baby. (12:13) I miss that, I miss that.

Alan Lazaros

(12:15) My goodness.

Kevin Palmieri

(12:15) We used to fish and talk deep talks. (12:17) One of these days, we'll be able to do a, it'll be a next level retreat. (12:20) Just Alan and I, and we'll go fishing.(12:21) Just us. (12:23) Okay, cool. (12:24) I don't know about that.(12:25) Putting that out in the universe. (12:26) All right, I see Alan twice a year. (12:29) Other best friend, Matt.(12:30) The best man at his wedding a couple months ago, right? (12:34) I see him maybe every two months, maybe. (12:39) Now, he's busy too.(12:40) He's grinding, he has his own business. (12:42) He's busy too. (12:43) I literally messaged him, I don't know, three days ago.(12:47) I haven't even heard back. (12:48) He literally was like, hey man, long time no talk. (12:49) We gotta catch up.(12:50) I know the holidays are something. (12:51) Let's get something in the books. (12:52) I messaged him.(12:53) I don't expect to hear back until probably next week.

Alan Lazaros

(12:55) Nice.

Kevin Palmieri

(12:55) That is the way it is.

Alan Lazaros

(12:57) That is. (12:58) A mature relationship.

Kevin Palmieri

(12:59) But I also understand that that is an acquired taste. (13:03) And I don't think we would have the same relationship if he wasn't an entrepreneur, if he wasn't a high performer, if he wasn't a dream chaser, if he wasn't somebody that's doing something outside the realm of what a lot of people want to do. (13:16) So I do.(13:17) I think this is the point of this episode. (13:19) A conversation every high performer has to have with their partner. (13:22) Tara and I have these conversations often.(13:24) I'm not necessarily gonna show up in the same way at the same time to the same frequency as maybe other people expect. (13:32) I kinda can't. (13:33) I kinda, I kinda can't.(13:36) I say this to the people I play golf with. (13:39) It's either Saturday afternoon, after two. (13:42) Can't be before.(13:42) I'm not gonna play in the morning. (13:44) Has to be after two. (13:45) I gotta get my six hours minimum of work in on Saturday.(13:48) But it's gotta be on Sunday. (13:49) It will never be during the week, in the morning. (13:53) In the summer months, like you could play at seven o'clock at night.(13:57) You know, I could do that, like seven o'clock at night on a Friday or something. (13:59) But it's never gonna be, you know, what do you think? (14:02) You sneak out early, Friday at noon?(14:04) No, it'll never be. (14:05) It can't be that.

Alan Lazaros

(14:06) Yeah. (14:06) It can't be that. (14:07) So.(14:08) You and Karen had a very mature conversation when you first met.

Kevin Palmieri

(14:13) Yeah, we. (14:13) Did she prompt that or you? (14:15) I think she prompted that.(14:17) Yeah, she does that. (14:18) I think she prompted that. (14:19) We were chatting one day.(14:20) She prompts the good convos. (14:21) She prompts the good convos. (14:23) And this was in the first apartment we had together.(14:26) A little one bedroom, our little one bedroom apartment.

Alan Lazaros

(14:29) COVID, you had to move in, remember? (14:30) Yeah. (14:31) Yeah, I remember.

Kevin Palmieri

(14:31) This is our first, our first encounter with living with one another. (14:36) And she said, you have to make me one promise. (14:37) We're gonna be together.(14:38) I was like, what do you got? (14:40) She said, you can't force me to be an entrepreneur. (14:42) Fucking done.(14:43) Would never wish that on anybody. (14:46) Would never wish that on anybody. (14:48) Done.(14:49) Awesome, done. (14:50) And I said, you have to promise me you'll never try to take away the podcast. (14:53) Because this is, this is what I'm dedicating my life to.(14:55) Like I gave everything up for this. (14:56) And who you are is a byproduct of that. (14:59) I wasn't at that level of understanding at that point.(15:03) So I just said, the podcast. (15:04) I remember one time you said, she didn't sign up for this. (15:06) I was like, yes, she did.

Alan Lazaros

(15:07) Well, she signed up to be with me.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:08) Yes, she did.

Alan Lazaros

(15:08) She signed up for Kevin Palmieri and this is Kevin Palmieri, baby.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:11) And what I always say is, I didn't understand what this was gonna take. (15:13) So I don't expect anybody else to either. (15:15) But I think this is, this is a really important conversation because here's the thing.(15:22) If you've, and again, this is gonna sound like super, I don't know, elitist isn't the best word. (15:28) I don't know. (15:29) You'll get the point.(15:30) Say it with your chest. (15:31) Say it with your chest. (15:32) If you've, if you're somebody who is newer into peak performance and newer into self-improvement and newer into trying to be next level and you haven't been in a relationship since you've gotten into self-improvement, it's gonna change your relationships for sure.

Alan Lazaros

(15:44) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:45) Because your values, if, yeah, I used to drink all the time and now I don't really feel like drinking anymore. (15:51) I'd rather stay in and do whatever. (15:53) That is going to change potential relationships, 100%.(15:57) And if you communicate that in advance and I say, Alan, just so you know, imagine we're in a relationship together. (16:03) I know that's something you probably dreamed about for as long as we've been together. (16:06) You're not my type.(16:07) I've told you that before. (16:09) Obviously kidding. (16:10) Hey man, I know you like to go fucking do nose candy on the weekends.(16:16) Like, that ain't it. (16:17) That ain't it for me, you know? (16:19) Like, I live a- Why would you pick that?(16:21) I live, cause I knew you, I knew I'd get a little wild. (16:24) I, I know, I know you like to get a little wild. (16:28) I'm somebody who lives a pretty straightforward life.(16:30) That ain't it for me. (16:31) Yeah. (16:32) If I can, in advance, prepare you for the potential pains in the butt that I'm going to be, I want to be accepted for the strengths and I want to be accepted for the weaknesses.(16:43) And I think that's the thing is, to Alan's point, it's, I feel like everybody wants to be with somebody doing, doing something in the world.

Alan Lazaros

(16:51) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(16:51) Everybody who wakes up with a fucking purpose and is committed and doesn't let the bullshit get in the way. (16:57) Like, look, I had a partner in the past. (17:02) I used to say this, it doesn't matter what time we stay up till, I need to leave at 5 a.m. Every single time I left at 5 a.m. I know it seems like a pain in the ass. (17:14) I know. (17:14) That's also the only reason you're with me. (17:16) You just don't, we don't, we haven't had that conversation.(17:18) It is the only reason. (17:20) It's the only reason. (17:20) I'm so grateful you said that.(17:22) Because you like the drive, the drive. (17:24) Everybody wants somebody who's driven, that's attractive. (17:26) Everybody wants someone with goals who's driven, who's conscientious, who's intelligent.(17:31) So that's the point of this episode. (17:33) What, when you get into a relationship, the thing that might have attracted you, sorry, your partner to you, is also going to be the thing that might be the biggest pain in the ass in your relationship. (17:45) Nice.(17:46) And I think if you have a conversation about that in advance, you're going to have a much higher likelihood of success.

Alan Lazaros

(17:51) I coach couples and individuals in relationships. (17:55) Been doing it for five years, wild, because I never anticipated that. (17:59) There's a lot of things I did anticipate, but that wasn't one of them.(18:02) And it's been really trippy, it's been cool. (18:05) But I say this, there's two single individuals I'm thinking of right now, I'll keep it anonymous. (18:11) One of them's a girl, heterosexual.(18:15) One of them's a man, heterosexual. (18:17) To the man, I say, if you focus on your goals, the girls will come. (18:23) Not pun intended, okay?(18:25) All right, now everyone's thinking that. (18:27) Sorry, it is what it is. (18:28) We're all adults here.(18:29) Yeah, we are. (18:29) And for the kids listening, you don't know what I'm talking about. (18:31) All right, if you focus on the girl, the girl might run.(18:36) My point is, who you are as a fucking man is a byproduct of your goals. (18:44) The work we're doing, brother. (18:46) You're killing it, you're doing it, you're on it, you're a high value man, you're becoming more valuable, you're appreciating in value, you're increasing in value.(18:54) It's very attractive to women, that's wonderful. (18:57) When you meet your girl, don't make the mistake that I've made in the past, where you focus more on the girl than the goals, and then the value goes, and then she's not interested, and then she leaves you for some other guy. (19:06) I was cheated on in high school, it fucking sucked.(19:09) The point that I'm making is, you need to stay focused on who you are, and your goals are a part of who you fucking are, okay? (19:17) Same with the woman, I said the same thing, but with guys. (19:20) I said, if you focus on the goals, the guys will come.(19:24) If you focus on the guys, they might run, because they wanna be with a woman who's high value. (19:29) I shared this in master class last night. (19:33) We don't talk about this much, maybe we do an episode at some point, not this one.(19:38) Everyone wants to be high value. (19:39) If I said, who here wants to be a high value man or woman, or whatever you identify as, everyone would raise their hand.

Kevin Palmieri

(19:45) What's the definition of that, because I think the internet has fucked up what that actually means.

Alan Lazaros

(19:49) It is contextual, obviously, but there are fundamentals. (19:54) Okay, in shape, goals, character driven, financially free, big bright future, attractive, healthy, fulfilled, productive. (20:09) These are things everyone wants.(20:15) Respectful, but driven. (20:19) Someone who has drive, and who has a bigger, better, brighter future. (20:25) You know what it's like to be a low value man, and a high value man, okay?(20:28) You know what it's like to be overlooked, literally and figuratively, from women. (20:31) I'm gonna share this very briefly. (20:33) In middle school, I looked like a backstreet boy.(20:37) You don't know this, but when we were in middle school, we went to the same middle school.

Kevin Palmieri

(20:43) Are you about to devastate my reality right now?

Alan Lazaros

(20:45) Maybe, real quick. (20:46) In my middle school, our middle school. (20:48) All right, my timer's going off, we're not done yet.(20:50) It's probably a sign. (20:51) In our middle school, they created a new rule that the eighth grade girls can't come down to the fifth grade wing because of me. (21:01) Interesting, never knew that.(21:03) Yeah, so, okay, I was a bowl cut, blonde, blue eyed, backstreet boy looking guy. (21:11) I had Clarissa and Brittany shared me, quote unquote. (21:16) I had all the girls, whatever.(21:18) Valentine's Day, I remember, I got 50 bucks once from a person named Kaylee on Valentine's Day. (21:24) You know who I'm talking about. (21:25) It's funny, Kevin thinks it's hilarious.(21:27) Now, I was very popular, and then I went all the way to the bottom of the totem pole. (21:31) Everyone else hit puberty and I didn't, and there was three of the shortest people in our grade. (21:36) It was me, Kevin, Paul, Mary, and a guy named David, and Kevin knows exactly who I'm talking about.(21:41) I'm 37 in 10 days, I'm still working on puberty. (21:45) The point is, I was a fucking loser in high school, and I had to figure out how to become a high value man, and I had to play the long game because I was competing with a guy who could dunk a basketball backwards and who looked like a grown ass man when he was fucking 16. (22:01) The point that I'm making, though, is everyone wants to be high value.(22:05) I've been a low value man, as have you, and we both are now what I believe to be high value men, and the reason we are high value is because we have goals and because we have work ethic and because we have worked on ourselves and invested in ourselves. (22:20) What's the difference between a mansion and a shack? (22:22) The mansion has invested more money and more time into being a mansion, metaphorically, and the shack is just, anyone can live there.(22:30) So at the end of the day, if you want to be a high value man or high value woman or whatever you identify as, it's going to require effort. (22:38) And to bring this back to the point of this episode, I'm gonna kick it to Kev.

Kevin Palmieri

(22:43) I feel like, I want to throw something in there. (22:46) One of my requirements for being a high value human being is your character exceeds your results, that. (22:51) I'm gonna throw that out there, because I don't give a fuck if you have everything else and you're an asshole.(22:56) Don't care, you're not high value. (22:57) Don't care, that. (22:58) You never said that out loud, by the way.(23:00) What? (23:00) You never said it like that before. (23:02) You said, you told me, Alan said, say it with your chest.

Alan Lazaros

(23:04) Well, luckily, my results weren't very high when you met me.

Kevin Palmieri

(23:08) It was helpful, it was helpful. (23:10) No, you were respectful, you were disrespectful. (23:13) But that, I think, one of the reasons I, you were at times, but less than most.(23:18) One of the reasons I said, what does it mean to be a high value man in this case is because I think the internet has skewed. (23:23) There's a lot of people that say they're, oh, you let me, I'm gonna smoke my cigar on my yacht because I'm a high value man. (23:28) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.(23:28) Look, you're an asshole, is what you are. (23:30) You're an asshole. (23:31) Okay.(23:32) Good for you. (23:32) The point of this episode is, I think, going into a relationship, you have to set expectations. (23:40) I used to go into a relationship and think I'm gonna change everything about myself to align with the expectations of this person.(23:46) And that's not healthy, either. (23:48) So I think if you sit down and you set expectations and say, look, this is, not this is the way I am, but these are the things I value. (23:57) And the things I value are gonna require certain things from me that maybe they don't require from other people.(24:02) I just think, statistically, you probably have a better chance. (24:06) If you're somebody who, if you're a morning riser, it's probably good to say, hey, just so you know, I wake up early. (24:12) And I like waking up early.(24:14) I'm fulfilled when I wake up early. (24:15) It allows me to get more done. (24:16) I'm probably not somebody who's gonna go to a movie at 11 o'clock at night.(24:20) That's just not the way I'm wired, quote, unquote.

Alan Lazaros

(24:23) I have something of tremendous value that saved me a lot of pain and suffering. (24:27) And I really sucked at this for most of my life. (24:31) Genuinely, the whole setting the right expectations and stuff, I didn't do that.(24:34) I didn't know how to do that. (24:36) That was such a blind spot for me. (24:38) But two things.(24:39) One is you have to know yourself in order to communicate what to expect. (24:46) So self-awareness is where this starts. (24:48) Number two, it takes tremendous courage to say, hey, this is who I am and this is who I actually want to be.(24:54) So you don't have to change. (24:55) When I say I haven't taken a day off in 10 years, people think, oh, I have to fix you. (24:59) You're a workaholic.(25:00) No, no, no, no, no, no. (25:02) I promise you this is by choice. (25:03) I'm way more fulfilled.(25:05) And by the way, way more fulfilled than you. (25:07) I'm kidding. (25:08) All right, but I gotta say that because sometimes it's like, why are you coaching me on life?(25:12) You're burnout? (25:13) I'm kidding. (25:13) All right, so this is the thing that I really wanna say though.(25:16) This saved me so much pain and suffering. (25:20) I'm not interested, but thank you. (25:23) I'm not interested, but thank you.(25:25) Best quote, best line ever. (25:28) Hey, do you wanna fuckin'? (25:30) Hey, I'm not interested, but thank you so much.(25:33) It's a but, not an and. (25:36) Hey, do you wanna buy? (25:37) I'm not interested, but thank you.(25:40) Best thing ever. (25:41) If I ever reach out to you and invite you to something and you don't wanna go, just say, hey, Alan, I'm not interested, but thank you. (25:47) And I'll say, no worries, take care.(25:50) I totally get it. (25:51) Last piece. (25:53) You have to be with someone in an intimate relationship especially, and yes, I'm talking as a coach right now because I coach couples, who actually wants you to be more of you.(26:02) They can't want you to be different than who the fuck you are. (26:06) And I think we start off, I certainly did in the past, where you're trying to put on this sort of, oh, it's the first date. (26:12) Let me dress a little nicer than I usually do or whatever.(26:15) Let me be a little different. (26:17) Let me try to be what they need. (26:18) Let me try to show my best self.(26:22) But over time, that bubble pops if you can't sustain it. (26:25) And you can't sustain it if it's not authentic to who you actually are. (26:28) And so Kevin and I, last piece, we did this.(26:31) In business, we were in a business partnership. (26:35) He tried to pretend to be more like me, more success oriented, more goal oriented. (26:40) I pretended to be a little bit more like him, which is fun and playful and all that kind of stuff.(26:44) And we weren't being inauthentic. (26:45) That was a part of us, but that was 10% of who I am. (26:49) The 90% is success, goals, drive, let's fucking go.(26:55) And the opposite is true too. (26:56) So we've kind of driven to five. (26:58) Obviously, he's gotten more goal oriented.(27:00) I've obviously gotten more funny and fun. (27:02) But at the end of the day, we weren't being authentic to who we are and the yin wasn't yang and the yang wasn't yin. (27:08) So the point is, it takes courage to be who you actually are and to say no and to say yes.(27:14) And every yes is a no to something else. (27:17) Boom.

Kevin Palmieri

(27:19) Yeah, I think the level setting, setting expectations is really important for anything. (27:25) For anything. (27:26) If you get on a roller coaster and somebody's like, hey, just so you know, this thing does loops.(27:30) Like, ah, you know what? (27:32) I'm gonna step off. (27:33) I'm gonna step off.(27:33) This ain't for me. (27:35) Get in the, real quick, you get on the teacups, they say, look, this spins a couple of times and you're done. (27:39) It's like, ah, this probably isn't what I'm looking for.(27:40) Go ahead. (27:44) Hindsight's 20-20. (27:46) I do like that quote.(27:47) I think it's accurate. (27:48) I'm blind in one eye, so it still isn't, but I get the point.

Alan Lazaros

(27:54) You're a 36 year old man and you had several relationships before Taron. (27:59) Okay. (28:01) How obvious is it in hindsight that some of those weren't gonna fucking work?

Kevin Palmieri

(28:05) Oh, it's abundantly obvious.

Alan Lazaros

(28:06) Okay, okay.

Kevin Palmieri

(28:07) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(28:08) Can you give us an example without saying any names where it's just, there's no fucking chance, right? (28:14) There's no way. (28:16) I think these are fun.(28:17) Because I have one where it's like, Alan, are you kidding me?

Kevin Palmieri

(28:21) Simplest, simplest one. (28:23) I dated somebody who loved being the center of attention, was really good at being the center of attention. (28:29) Just was somebody who was just, had a really high energy and just walked into a room and you knew it.(28:36) And they liked going to bars and going to parties with 20, 30 people. (28:43) And I was like, fuck yeah. (28:45) I can do that.(28:46) Hell yeah, I can do that. (28:48) And so I did it for a few times. (28:50) It was like, this isn't who I am.(28:52) I don't, and it's not who I aspire to be either.

Alan Lazaros

(28:55) And now in hindsight, how obvious is it you're going into the very place where you're unwanted?

Kevin Palmieri

(29:01) Well, I was wanted by the person I was with. (29:04) So I didn't really, it didn't seem like it mattered that much, but that was never, look, I don't, I'm the kind of guy who- You mean Taren's not a high rise bar hopper? (29:14) No, I'm grateful for that.(29:16) No, again, we have our date nights, but we literally joke. (29:19) It's like, hey, you wanna go see a movie at 6 p.m.? It's like, fuck no, there's no way. (29:23) We're not gonna be out till eight.(29:25) We're not gonna be home till 8.30, there's no way. (29:27) I love that. (29:28) We literally live life like elderly, elderly folks.

Alan Lazaros

(29:32) As do we. (29:32) Yeah, we joke where Emilia turned 31. (29:35) I said, 31 going on 87, I love it.

Kevin Palmieri

(29:37) I need it because- The wisest wizard. (29:39) I do like getting up early. (29:42) Right now I don't, because I'm sick and I really wanna sleep in, but I enjoy getting up early.(29:47) I enjoy doing what I do. (29:49) I enjoy having a morning routine. (29:53) I enjoy going to the gym.(29:54) I enjoy that type of stuff.

Alan Lazaros

(29:56) This is why delusion is not of use. (29:58) If you delude yourself, both of our situations in the past where it's obvious looking back that that would never work, this person had no goals, zero goals.

Kevin Palmieri

(30:09) We wouldn't have stories to tell on the podcast if it wasn't for delusion.

Alan Lazaros

(30:11) Fair, but delusion is dangerous. (30:14) For sure. (30:15) Because if you delude yourself into thinking you're, imagine me with no goals.

Kevin Palmieri

(30:19) I cannot, I cannot imagine that.

Alan Lazaros

(30:21) I would be so unfulfilled. (30:24) Yeah. (30:24) She's like, hey, can you watch trash TV with me?(30:27) No. (30:27) Oh, I was like, it was a, it was a, you know how there's a finale? (30:35) I remember sitting there and I was like, this is it.(30:39) This is the end. (30:40) This is the breaking point. (30:42) I can't do this.(30:43) It was The Bachelorette or something like that. (30:45) And again, if you like that stuff, whatever. (30:48) Do you.(30:49) That ain't me. (30:50) That ain't me. (30:52) I was boiling inside.(30:53) I was like, I cannot do this. (30:56) I think this is the end of our relationship. (30:59) And at the end of the day, it's nothing.(31:00) It's her. (31:01) It's this true principle. (31:03) I can never, I'm never gonna like, hey, can you just take the day off and just do nothing today with me?(31:11) No, absolutely not. (31:13) Now I'm with the hardest working person I've ever met in my entire life. (31:16) And I'm the one pulling her out of her office.(31:18) It's fucking awesome. (31:19) And I just realized in hindsight, you just delude yourself into thinking that you can make something work, but you can't. (31:24) And I think that goes for both success and intimate relationships.(31:28) And they're connected. (31:29) If you make a bad choice in your intimate relationship, you're not gonna be successful.

Kevin Palmieri

(31:33) I had a win one time where Alan and I watched some fights together while we ate dominoes. (31:36) And I was like, fuck yeah, this is a win. (31:38) This is a W for me.(31:39) As long as it's not pulling Alan out of, he was working too while he did it, but.

Alan Lazaros

(31:42) But then I asked you everything about martial arts and how it all works. (31:45) And yeah, that's true. (31:46) I know now all about Muay Thai and grappling and all the different modalities of martial arts.

Kevin Palmieri

(31:50) I wouldn't say, I wouldn't say know all about it.

Alan Lazaros

(31:53) No, I know a lot about them though.

Kevin Palmieri

(31:54) A lot more than I would have, yeah. (31:56) Yeah, but that's because you also, Emilia is a Muay Thai practitioner. (32:00) It wasn't based on that one conversation.(32:01) You've been there. (32:02) Yeah, of course. (32:02) But I like to learn that stuff.(32:04) I think that's really cool. (32:05) I remember I was asking you, I was like, hey, I don't know man, how does my, like what's the difference between comfort mode in my car and sport mode? (32:11) Like how does that work?(32:11) I hit push a button and the button makes the engine more powerful? (32:15) Like it doesn't make any sense. (32:16) It was interesting, it was very interesting.(32:18) All right, cool. (32:19) So what can you take away from this episode? (32:20) If you are somebody who is leaning more into peak performance, and maybe your partner isn't necessarily, it's worth having a conversation.(32:28) Because essentially it's like, it's almost like you're getting a new job without any of the benefits of the job, essentially. (32:35) And you have nothing to show for it, but you have new hours and you have different responsibilities. (32:39) And I think it's important to communicate those.(32:40) So that is that. (32:42) If you are somebody who obviously is leaning more into peak performance and you are in a relationship, Alan and Amelia do relationship talks coaching. (32:51) And I can't imagine two people that are better to serve you since they both are super high performers and they both have businesses.(32:58) And yeah, they've worked with a lot of people at this point. (33:00) I'll let you talk about it.

Alan Lazaros

(33:02) Yeah, it's how do we identify where you're missing each other? (33:07) We have 25 conscious love languages, and I promise you there's items on that list that are happening in your relationship where maybe the female values them at level 10 and the male values it at level two and you're just completely missing each other. (33:21) Male, male, female, female, heterosexual, homosexual, doesn't matter.(33:25) We coach all walks of life. (33:27) As long as you're a heart-driven good person who's respectful and not a spoiled brat or a bully, we're in. (33:34) If you want to do that, the first one's free.(33:37) We first started out calling it service Saturday five years ago, and we did a free half hour every single Saturday for a year and a half. (33:43) And then eventually we couldn't sustain that and we eventually did it for paid coaching. (33:47) So the first one's still free.(33:49) Reach out to me, DM me on Instagram, that'll be me. (33:51) Email me, my email will be in the show notes. (33:53) And we actually just signed on a new client.(33:57) Shout out to you if you're listening. (33:58) And it is every single time there are obvious things to us because this is what we've done for five years. (34:06) It's so clear to me when couples are missing each other now because we've just seen the patterns over and over again.(34:12) So get a third, fourth perspective and it will change your, I mean, we have couples engaged, married, buying houses, goals, dreams. (34:20) I mean, there's actually a study, last piece. (34:23) There's a study that they did in 2016.(34:25) I can't quote the scientists. (34:28) I wish that I could, I gotta get to that point. (34:30) But they proved that people who have goals together and work toward them together are less likely to divorce.(34:36) This has been scientifically proven with a decade long study. (34:40) And so we are not just therapists or counselors, we're not, we're coaches. (34:45) And as coaches, we do a 10 year roadmap, five year roadmap, three year roadmap, two year roadmap.(34:50) And then we break it down to this quarter. (34:51) And we have people achieving their dreams together. (34:55) I mean, way beyond income, way beyond, you're gonna get, yeah, two of the best coaches in your corner, making sure you both not only are in love, but also succeed.(35:06) That's what we all want.

Kevin Palmieri

(35:07) We wanna be in love. (35:09) We wanna be successful. (35:11) Nice.(35:11) All right, cool. (35:12) As always, we love you. (35:13) We appreciate you.(35:13) Grateful for each and every one of you. (35:14) And if you are as committed as you say you are to getting to the next level, make sure you tune in tomorrow because we will be here every single day to help you get there. (35:22) Keep reaching for your full potential.

Alan Lazaros

(35:24) Next level nation.

Kevin Palmieri

(35:26) Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. (35:30) We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

(35:33) We mean it when we say family. (35:35) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. (35:38) Everything you need to get ahold of us is in the show notes.(35:41) Thank you again. (35:43) And we will talk to you tomorrow.