Don’t Give It If You Can’t Take It! (2264)

Growth begins the moment truth becomes louder than comfort. In today’s episode, Kevin and Alan break down the real psychology behind why giving or receiving feedback feels threatening, how identity influences your response, and why emotional maturity determines whether you grow or stay stuck. Through patterns they’ve seen across thousands of coaching calls and nearly a decade of leadership, they explain the ownership gaps, mental habits, and mindset traps that keep people from improving.

If you want long-term consistency, stronger self-awareness, and the ability to lead with truth instead of fear, this conversation cuts straight to the fundamentals.

_______________________

NLU is not just a podcast; it’s a gateway to a wealth of resources designed to help you achieve your goals and dreams. From our Next Level Dreamliner to our Group Coaching, we offer a variety of tools and communities to support your personal development journey.

For more information, check out our website and socials using the links below. 👇

Website: http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

Instagram:
Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Facebook:
Alan: https://www.facebook.com/alan.lazaros
Kevin: https://www.facebook.com/kevin.palmieri.90/

Email:
Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

LinkedIn:
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

_______________________

Show notes:
(3:11) Emotional maturity and feedback
(5:32) Ownership patterns
(9:00) Fixed mindset reactions
(10:45) Building feedback courage
(14:34) Sorting truth from noise
(15:50) Why both skills matter
(16:04) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Chapters

• 3:11 Emotional maturity and feedback
• 5:32 Ownership patterns
• 9:00 Fixed mindset reactions
• 10:45 Building feedback courage
• 14:34 Sorting truth from noise
• 15:50 Why both skills matter
• 16:04 Outro

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) I suck at giving feedback. (0:03) I mean, worst of the worst of the worst of the worst. (0:06) But I'm pretty good at getting feedback.(0:08) And I don't know if that's because I know how hard it is to give it. (0:12) We're gonna talk about feedback today, baby.

Alan Lazaros

(0:14) I think everyone is on one side or the other. (0:17) You're either really good at giving feedback or really good at getting feedback. (0:22) We're gonna talk about that today.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:23) Welcome to Next Level University. (0:26) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri. (0:28) And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.(0:31) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

(0:37) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:44) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

(1:00) Self-improvement in your pocket every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:06) Welcome to Next Level University. (1:12) Next Level Nation today for episode number 2,264. (1:16) Don't give it if you can't take it.(1:18) Nice. (1:20) A little demonstrative to start. (1:21) You know what I mean?(1:22) A little demonstrative. (1:24) Great adjective. (1:25) That is a great adjective.(1:26) Okay, you get feedback all the time. (1:30) You have asked for feedback so many times over the nine years, coming up on nine years of you and I working together. (1:37) Many times from people you shouldn't have asked for feedback from, for sure.(1:41) And you've given a lot of... (1:42) I'm with you so far. (1:42) Yep, yep.(1:43) And you've given a lot of feedback. (1:48) What have... (1:49) You think so?(1:49) Yes. (1:50) Especially on my end, yes, I do. (1:54) Okay.(1:55) What have you seen as the relationship between somebody who's really good at getting feedback and or good at giving it? (2:04) Or is there any relationship from your perspective as somebody who has worked with so many people and given them feedback? (2:11) I feel like I'm terrible at giving feedback.

Alan Lazaros

(2:13) Not terrible, okay. (2:15) But when I said in the opening that everyone is either really good at giving it or really good at getting it, I think I'm really good at getting it. (2:22) I think you're good at giving it.(2:24) I've worked on it. (2:25) I'm not naturally good at it. (2:26) The amount of things in my head are always way higher than the amount that I can...(2:29) That's why I love coaching, because I get to give feedback. (2:31) I get permission in advance.

Kevin Palmieri

(2:32) When you say to give it, do you mean giving it accurately or just giving it in general?

Alan Lazaros

(2:41) I would say the accuracy part, I feel like I'm good with accuracy. (2:45) I think I struggle with the social courage necessary to share my truth with someone. (2:50) Okay.(2:51) Because they get so damn offended, even though I'm trying to help.

Kevin Palmieri

(2:55) With the people that you've worked with, has it been similar where they're really good at giving or getting? (3:00) Yeah. (3:01) Yep.(3:01) I'd say that tracks. (3:03) Is there anybody, obviously anonymously, that you have in mind that's really good at giving it and getting it?

Alan Lazaros

(3:11) No. (3:12) Interesting. (3:13) Emilia, but only through massive work on that.

Kevin Palmieri

(3:16) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(3:17) And I don't think there's anyone who's equally good at both. (3:23) Emilia is a thousand times better at getting feedback than giving it. (3:27) Why?(3:29) Because some people are very delicate and can't handle a ton of truth. (3:38) So there's something called empathy, where a female in a heterosexual relationship will dance around a man's insecurities. (3:49) Happens all the time.(3:50) For the ladies listening, you know what I'm talking about. (3:53) And because men are so insecure when it comes to being incompetent in fucking anything, like you can't go anywhere near anything that's sensitive. (4:05) So there's an actual term for it, which is basically women just tiptoeing around the delicate sensibility of their wildly emotionally mature male counterparts.(4:14) Interesting. (4:15) Yeah. (4:15) And men are emotionally less mature, for sure.(4:18) Statistically speaking. (4:19) I will say that for sure, without a question. (4:22) That said, as a man who's done a lot of work, therapy and all this stuff and coaching couples, in hindsight, I was way more immature than I thought, for sure.(4:34) And I don't think more immature than most men, but I do think more immature than I ever imagined. (4:40) Because now at 37, reflecting back, it's, oh, okay. (4:45) Emotional maturity wasn't exactly the main focus.(4:47) So back to this, I actually think that giving feedback and taking feedback is an indicator of emotional maturity.

Kevin Palmieri

(4:56) Why do you think that it's hard to be good at both? (5:00) Just for anyone. (5:01) Because you usually only practice one.

Alan Lazaros

(5:02) So people who are extremely good at giving feedback are really good at it because they're always deflecting blame. (5:14) Christina wouldn't mind me sharing this. (5:15) Christina is one of our chief officers, and I playfully refer to Kevin, myself, and Christina as the three cowards.(5:20) I am joking because I think we're extremely courageous, and I'm done with the credit hits of that because people actually think that's, I mean that, like I actually think we're cowardly. (5:27) No, statistically speaking, we're unbelievably courageous. (5:29) I just think it's funny.(5:32) Because we want to give 100% feedback, and we only end up giving 30%, which is still more than most people get. (5:38) But anyway, so Christina is unbelievably good at taking feedback. (5:42) She takes ownership for everything, too much ownership.(5:44) I think everyone is on one end or the other. (5:46) You either take too much ownership or not enough. (5:49) And the people who take not enough are always pointing fingers.(5:52) They're really good at blaming. (5:53) You can blame the government, and you can blame the company, blame the CEO, blame the shareholders, blame the policies, blame the... (6:00) But those people are terrible at growth mindset, and they're emotionally immature, and they're stunted because of it.(6:06) In past relationships, I have one person I'm thinking of, like no matter what happened, I was pointing at me, and she was also pointing at me. (6:14) And then I would get better, and the relationship would get worse. (6:17) And I eventually realized like, oh, you're like not getting any better.(6:22) And I'm getting better over and over and over again, because I'm getting all the feedback, which is what I wanted. (6:28) And this is where the givers need to set limits because takers have none type of thing. (6:32) You and I are both terrible at giving feedback and both really good at taking ownership.(6:38) So that's why we work. (6:40) Me, you, and Christina work because we all want to take all the ownership. (6:44) If something goes wrong, I think it's my fault.(6:47) Kevin thinks it's his fault. (6:48) Christina thinks it's her fault. (6:50) Well, awesome.(6:50) We're all equally wrong, and we're all ready to change and improve, which is why we work together. (6:57) But we've had team members in the past that were good to, they were like, okay, I take ownership, and then they're pointing at me too. (7:02) And I'm going, wait a minute, you're like not that great.(7:06) You know that, right? (7:08) But that's really hard to say because you don't want to be mean. (7:12) Constructive feedback often comes off as very mean.

Kevin Palmieri

(7:16) If you want to take ownership of your life and therefore have the potential to take ownership of your business and take control of your business, we have a master class coming up. (7:24) When and what? (7:26) Next Thursday, the 4th of December.

Alan Lazaros

(7:29) 4th of December. (7:31) First Thursday of the month. (7:33) It is on the top five fundamentals of business you must understand to be successful long term, assuming that you want to do it the tried and true fundamental way and not lie, steal, cheat, or anything negative.(7:46) So if you want to do it the hard way, the real way, the fundamental way, that's what we're going to teach.

Kevin Palmieri

(7:53) My thesis is I have taken so much feedback and I realize how painful that feedback has been that I don't want to do that to somebody else. (8:02) And maybe that's just an excuse. (8:03) I don't know.(8:03) That's the excuse that maybe I'm telling myself. (8:06) But over the last nine years, I have taken so much fucking feedback to the point where now I just expect it. (8:13) And usually I said something to Alan today.(8:15) I was like, yeah, we have a client that I don't think is going to continue. (8:18) And I kind of fucked up the beginning of it. (8:19) And well, you said that you're like, you really fucked that up.(8:21) And I was like, yeah, I did. (8:22) And I don't really, I don't think this person's the right fit for us anyway. (8:26) And I'm going to get feedback and I'll give them feedback today.(8:28) But you know, that's on me. (8:30) Let's be, let's be anonymously.

Alan Lazaros

(8:36) We did an episode yesterday on the, the six character traits of an unsuccessful person. (8:46) If I had to pick a seventh, this might be it, which is you just can't take any feedback of self. (8:52) The people who can't sit in the discomfort of sucking at something and pointing out flaws, it's the fixed mindset.(9:00) If you have a fixed mindset and you don't think you can change, feedback is just pain. (9:05) And if you think about a lot of the people, people throw around the word narcissist a lot, but really what narcissism is at its core, if you study it, it's, it's a protection mechanism from someone who doesn't believe in themselves. (9:20) If they don't believe in their ability to change, they'll just deflect all blame all the time.(9:26) And they'll be emotionally immature and selfish and everything will be about them all the time, even though it seems like it's not. (9:32) And those are the people with birthday weeks and birthday months and that kind of stuff. (9:36) Like it's very emotionally immature to have a birthday week.(9:39) Genuinely, like it's time to grow up.

Kevin Palmieri

(9:42) I don't, do you think it's an excuse that I am so, I'm so used to getting it that I don't want to give it because I know what it feels like?

Alan Lazaros

(9:52) No, I think it's valid and it's still holding you back. (9:56) I would agree with that. (9:56) So I think some of it is out of self-preservation.(9:59) You, you don't want to get rejected. (10:02) You don't want to be unaccepted. (10:04) You don't want to be the bad guy.(10:06) I don't want people to attach pain to me.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:08) I don't think.

Alan Lazaros

(10:09) Yeah. (10:09) You like being liked. (10:10) I do.(10:11) I guess very much. (10:12) And enjoy that being a leader requires you to be courageous and to not be liked all the time. (10:17) It's the worst.(10:18) Genuinely, it's the worst. (10:20) I'm not saying it. (10:21) I posted something earlier.(10:23) Some people are going to hate it and that's okay.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:26) That's rough. (10:28) Okay. (10:29) Let's get constructive.(10:30) Then we have five minutes left. (10:31) What can we do to help people build the, whatever muscle it is to ask and receive feedback constructively. (10:42) We'll start there.

Alan Lazaros

(10:45) Okay. (10:45) If you're on the end where you struggled to get feedback and you're very delicate, that's okay. (10:51) Just owning that is step one.(10:53) And now you have to do exposure therapy and you have to ask the right people to give you feedback and don't go to someone who's a dick because they're going to give you an overswing of the harsh truth. (11:09) That's not actually accurate. (11:12) If you are on the other end and you struggle to give feedback, it's just a matter of social courage.(11:18) And these people are typically really hardworking behind the scenes out of the necessity. (11:22) It's almost, and this is, I'll speak for myself. (11:25) I would rather just work hard behind the scenes than have to give someone else feedback.(11:30) So, instead of confront the oppressor in my life, quote unquote, I would rather just go climb out by myself. (11:42) And even if it takes 10 times longer with 10 times more effort. (11:46) And then over time you realize you can't do that forever because you're a leader of a company and now you have no choice but to face your deepest fears.(11:54) So, some of our deepest fears are I'm not good enough, so I can't take feedback. (11:58) Other people's deepest fear is I'm too much, so I can't give feedback. (12:01) And the way to start is to identify which is you first and then start working on it.(12:08) So, if you struggle to give feedback, you have to have social courage and dial up your truth and try to do it in a way that's respectful but candid. (12:20) I did a BGU episode with a woman named Lauren Johnson and I had a hard time in that interview because I was trying to challenge her to, she was sharing some things with my listeners that they already know. (12:31) Like, you know, the three C's, clarity, consistency, and commitment.(12:36) It's like, Lauren, my listeners know that shit with love. (12:40) Like, I'm here to talk business. (12:41) Give me what the Yankees were doing, right?(12:45) And I was red because people think I'm insecure. (12:48) No, I'm insecure because I don't want to be mean to this woman. (12:50) She's doing me a favor by coming on the show.(12:52) I want to be respectful, especially because she's an amazing, empowered woman that I want to be respectful to. (12:58) And I don't want to interrupt her and say, hey, can you give us a fucking good answer here? (13:02) Even though that's what I was thinking, for sure.(13:04) Because she doesn't know the level of my audience. (13:06) Of course not. (13:07) How could she?(13:08) But the truth dial is what you think you actually say to the other person. (13:16) And let's be real, very few people actually do that. (13:20) What you think in your head is, wow, okay, well, that person's going to be unsuccessful.(13:23) I'm going to go over here. (13:24) But we don't ever give that to them. (13:25) So they never get feedback.(13:27) One of the things that I've alarmingly done poorly of, I know we got to get out of here, is I cared enough to tell them. (13:34) And then I became the villain. (13:36) And I realized that's a terrible idea.(13:38) So then I became a coach. (13:39) And now it's great. (13:42) But the one where you're hard to take feedback, you have to learn how to.(13:48) And one of the things that I'll share here too, is you can't be really successful and in a vacuum where you don't get negative feedback. (13:57) People are going to shit on you for things that aren't even true, nevermind the things that are true. (14:01) So then the bigger problem becomes, how do I figure out what is actually constructive and accurate versus people just being assholes?

Kevin Palmieri

(14:07) I would add this too, try to start receiving feedback in something you feel very competent in. (14:12) Again, bodybuilding in many ways was terrible for me. (14:14) I'm convinced it helped me take feedback because it was literally the most personal feedback you can almost get as a human.(14:21) But I believed in myself when it came to fitness. (14:23) So my self-worth and my self-esteem was not attached to my body image as much as maybe somebody else's would be. (14:29) Well, you said this before, whatever you feel the most in control of, start there.(14:34) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(14:35) Because when you feel in control of it, it won't be as devastating. (14:39) Whereas when you get feedback about something you don't believe you can change... (14:44) Yeah, it's devastating.(14:45) It's devastating.

Kevin Palmieri

(14:46) It's really hard. (14:47) It's not even feedback at that point, it's just pain.

Alan Lazaros

(14:51) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(14:51) Feedback is with the hope that you're able to make a different decision and go in a different direction. (14:55) If you don't believe you can, it's pain. (14:58) Just pain, which isn't ever true.

Alan Lazaros

(14:59) You always can do something about it. (15:01) It's just hard to figure out what that answer is. (15:03) So we'll wrap this in a bow because obviously we've heard a lot from me, but I want to make sure that you...(15:09) I think you're on a different side of this. (15:11) You're on the same side of this, but I think you've struggled to get Kev's playfully joked behind the scenes. (15:18) Some people will say mean things to him now that he's being more successful and it's fucking hilarious for me because it's like, brother, that's been happening my whole goddamn life.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:28) I'm working through it. (15:29) Yeah. (15:29) I don't know.(15:30) For me, I struggle to take feedback when the feedback isn't actually based in real awareness. (15:35) If you don't know me and you give me feedback, it's hard for me because you don't know me. (15:38) It's not real.(15:39) It's just a representation of what you think. (15:42) If somebody gives me real feedback and says, hey, that speech was a piece of shit, that's different. (15:46) You're right.(15:47) I could have done better here, here, and here. (15:50) We'll do a part two. (15:51) We'll do a part two on it.(15:52) We can dive deeper. (15:53) Let's do it. (15:53) We'll dive deeper into feedback because I think this is something that we don't talk about enough, that being on both ends and understanding both ends is super important.(15:59) You have to get good at both. (16:01) If you want to be successful, you have to get good at both. (16:03) 100%.(16:03) All right. (16:03) As always, we love you. (16:04) We appreciate you.(16:05) Grateful for each and every one of you. (16:06) If you are as committed as you say you are to getting to the next level, make sure you tune in tomorrow because we will be here every single day to help you get there. (16:13) Keep reaching for your full potential.(16:15) Next Level Nation. (16:17) Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. (16:21) We love connecting with Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

(16:23) We mean it when we say family. (16:25) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. (16:29) Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri

(16:32) Thank you again, and we will talk to you tomorrow.