If You Don’t Know What Makes You Feel Confident You Can’t Use It (2410)

What if your confidence is built on things that can disappear?

In this episode, Kevin and Alan break down the difference between real confidence and ego, and why self-belief often rises and falls with external results, relationships, and circumstances. They explore how to tell whether something is helping your performance or quietly becoming a crutch.

This episode is about self-awareness, identity, standards, and the kind of internal control that keeps you steady when life is not ideal. Press play and find out whether your confidence works for you, or charges rent.

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For more information, check out our website and socials using the links below. 👇

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Show notes:
(4:23) Authentic confidence Vs. Ego
(8:55) When external factors affect confidence
(23:44) When confidence becomes a crutch
(32:24) The five levels of confidence
(38:33) Control changes what controls you
(43:11) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) Honestly, some of the things that make me feel confident I think are probably either considered shallow and or taboo and or people would say hey that's probably not a thing to connect your confidence to because it's outside of you quote-unquote and anytime you put external results and connect them to your own confidence you are riding a very thin line on that. (0:27) What makes you feel confident, what makes you feel at your best, what makes you certain is important to understand but also the opposite. (0:38) Welcome to Next Level University.(0:40) I'm your host Kevin Palmieri and I'm your co-host Alan Lazarus. (0:45) At NLU we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers. (0:52) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.(0:58) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success. (1:14) Self-improvement in your pocket every day from anywhere completely free. (1:21) Welcome to Next Level University.(1:26) Next Level Nation today for episode number 2410. (1:30) If you don't know what makes you feel confident you can't use it. (1:33) You can't use confidence.(1:34) You can't leverage it. (1:36) This came from you talking about getting a peak state. (1:42) Is that where we came up with this?(1:44) I had two calls earlier with clients and one of them I was talking to about what makes you feel you're most confident because he is potentially going to be getting a leadership role in his organization like a pretty big one, a really big one actually, and we talk a lot of leadership. (2:06) So his team is anywhere from 18 to 35 people and the big range is based on a couple things. (2:15) But anyways the point of this is if you're not confident as a leader it's going to be very hard for you to lead and I'm asking him what are the things behind the scenes that you do to increase your confidence throughout the day.(2:33) For anyone who has studied leadership you have to be confident. (2:37) A lot of leaders get their confidence from ego. (2:39) For sure.(2:40) Yeah and it's not real but there are so for example we used you before Next Level Live, woke up early, went to the gym and one of the reasons why is because that's how you feel confident throughout the day. (2:53) It helps you get in a good state. (2:55) There are certain things that I do that make me feel more confident.(2:58) Being well kept, having my nails clipped, having my hair done, being in certain types of clothing that make me look a professional. (3:07) Now that doesn't mean that I'm going to shrivel in the corner and hide when I have a hoodie on. (3:14) It's not about that.(3:15) But at the gym there's certain outfits that I feel really confident in and this is both state management on the micro and also the macro and I think we should talk about it where when and where do you feel the most confident and why and then when and where do you not feel confident and why. (3:31) To the point of this conversation with my client earlier I said we need to optimize your world around what makes you feel confident. (3:37) Like he had a suit on.(3:38) I said I notice you're more confident when you have a suit on. (3:44) That's something to pick up on. (3:45) He's a financial advisor.(3:46) Awesome. (3:47) And in order to lead you have to be willing, in order to lead you have to be so confident that you're willing to shield bump people's bullshit, that you're willing to call people out, that you're willing to be courageous and it's very hard to do that. (4:04) It's hard to capture a room when you don't feel confident.(4:06) It's almost impossible actually. (4:07) It's really hard and then it ends up being all ego. (4:10) So if you ever notice someone who captures a room by mostly ego it's probably because deep down they're actually insecure.(4:17) They're not really confident. (4:18) So this is authentic confidence. (4:19) This is not an overriding ego protector from insecurity.(4:23) I mean if you do your life right behind the scenes you will have real authentic confidence in front of the scenes. (4:29) How much confidence, how much consciousness do you put into choosing your gym attire? (4:35) I think you just threw on whatever.(4:38) No, never. (4:40) I mean we talked about this in the last two episodes and I appreciate the conversation but nothing I do doesn't have consciousness. (4:47) Yeah but the consciousness could be it's the easiest thing.(4:51) That's mine. (4:52) It's like dude my gym clothes are right there. (4:54) Everything is utility.(4:56) Okay what's that? (4:57) What's the utility of it? (4:59) So sweatshirt.(5:01) You and I both wear hoodies. (5:02) Oh it's two. (5:03) So every nice I that's a whole another layer and level.(5:07) Long sleeve and two hoodies. (5:09) That's what I'm saying. (5:11) So it's the same one.(5:12) I wear them. (5:13) I literally wear them seven days in a row to the gym then I wash them and then I wear them again seven days in a row. (5:18) Yeah.(5:18) I have four hoodies all zip up all the same size four different colors. (5:27) Now my gym outfit and I want you to share yours too. (5:31) This is the point though.(5:32) I want any watching anyone watching or listening to this I want you thinking about your outfit for the gym because if you walk into the gym not confident you're going to get a shitty workout. (5:44) Yeah you got to come in correct. (5:45) You got to.(5:46) Now do you not show up if you don't feel confident? (5:48) No you still show up. (5:49) You still show up.(5:50) However you want to optimize to make sure when you walk in that gym you're ready for war. (5:57) So I have a gym bag in my car that always has everything I need in it. (6:02) It has a strap band.(6:05) It has a belt. (6:07) It has gloves. (6:09) It has wrist straps.(6:10) It has knee sleeves. (6:11) It has clips. (6:15) It has everything that you could possibly need.(6:18) Key fob always in the same spot. (6:19) It has an extra pair of contacts in case I get crazy and throw one of those off in the middle of the set. (6:24) I have two specific hats.(6:28) I usually only have one but Amy got us the NLU hat. (6:32) I've been split testing that with my Under Armour hat lately. (6:35) So far Under Armour is winning Amy.(6:36) Sorry I think I might have to can the NLU hat unfortunately. (6:40) And when I say utility I have long hair. (6:42) Pisses me off.(6:44) I can't stand flappy hair. (6:46) I don't know how ladies deal with that. (6:48) They also can put their hair up and I can too obviously.(6:51) But I need my hat to be snug to where there's no flimsy hats. (6:58) Flimsy hats piss me off to my core. (7:00) I need fucking snug hats and this Under Armour hat is legit but I washed it.(7:06) It got worse. (7:07) It's the worst. (7:08) You can't wash them.(7:09) But when you don't wash them they smell horrible. (7:12) So and then sneakers are very specific. (7:15) Under Armour sneakers.(7:17) I have a specific black pair of pants that I wear with a specific pair of black shorts. (7:23) I have specific Under Armour socks that are all the exact same. (7:26) I have like 50 pairs.(7:28) Everything Kev and again I know it's going to sound make me sound a little nuts. (7:32) Everything I do is calculated. (7:35) Yeah but but what okay what about that makes you feel confident?(7:38) You know when I feel the most confident? (7:40) When I take everything off. (7:42) That's when I so I don't care what I'm wearing.(7:44) I don't fucking know what pants I'm gonna wear. (7:46) I have mismatched socks on right now baby as we speak. (7:50) But when that pump cover comes off that's when it's like nice.(7:55) Well this is the conversation we should have is confidence versus utility and what what amount of confidence is utility? (8:01) Like there. (8:04) Like how much better of a workout do you get when you're confident in what you're wearing versus not?(8:10) Uh I don't know it's probably like five percent or something. (8:14) Maybe ten percent. (8:15) It's not like and this is the thing that crutch or tool.(8:18) The crutch means you can't go to the gym without the right outfit. (8:21) See that's a crutch. (8:22) Or you forget your headphones and you can't.(8:23) It's like I can't. (8:24) That sucks. (8:26) It's the worst.(8:27) It's the worst but you still gotta go. (8:29) And if you need everything to be perfect in order to execute you're never really gonna execute.

Alan Lazaros

(8:34) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(8:35) Like when I went to your place if we had gone to the gym together we were up till 1am so I slept instead. (8:39) But like I would have gone and it would have been suboptimal. (8:42) It would have been a new gym.(8:43) That's that's fine. (8:44) I think I brought my outfit. (8:46) I think I brought my gym outfit.(8:47) But yeah it's this weird duality where you need to optimize everything for confidence and even if you're not confident you still better do the thing. (8:55) Right. (8:57) It's the hard thing about this is for me it is a lot of like external stuff.(9:01) Like I just I when I'm leaner I am more confident. (9:04) I just am. (9:06) When I'm the opposite.(9:08) Right. (9:08) Makes sense. (9:09) When we're doing well financially I am more confident.(9:12) I just am. (9:13) When Taryn and I are doing really well I am more confident. (9:16) And I think a lot of people suggest that's a bad thing.(9:21) Because well what happens if. (9:23) I know trust me. (9:24) But aren't you gonna be less confident if circumstances change drastically too?(9:28) You still have to do the thing yeah. (9:30) But I'm not operating at a peak. (9:33) It's way easier to wake up and know the bills are paid for sure.(9:37) I feel like that's a dumb thing not to. (9:39) Like people are like well that shouldn't affect you at all. (9:41) Okay.(9:43) Okay. (9:44) Wise one. (9:45) No yeah I'm not.(9:46) I could care less. (9:47) They could turn the water off tomorrow. (9:49) Wouldn't even matter.(9:49) Of course it would matter. (9:50) That's dumb. (9:52) So let's talk about that too because this is good.(9:56) If you need if you can't function when the water gets turned off you're in trouble. (10:02) However however you're not going to be at a peak state when the water gets turned off. (10:07) Of course.(10:07) I think that's what people are trying to say with that. (10:10) Which is like take it all away and I'm still executing. (10:13) And that is how I feel.(10:14) I mean I don't want to be beholden to needing a ton of money in order to like be my best. (10:20) For sure. (10:20) However of course I'm.(10:22) But this is the challenge skill sweet spot. (10:24) When I. (10:26) Kevin and I have talked about this in the past.(10:29) Some people would rather win at a smaller game. (10:33) Other people would rather lose at a bigger game. (10:36) I I think all that is is back to the prove yourself wrong prove yourself right thing.(10:44) And and it's it's finding the challenge skills sweet spot. (10:48) Like it doesn't build your confidence to do weighted chin ups when you can't do regular chin ups. (10:56) That's a terrible fucking idea.(10:58) But I was doing dips today and I did 10 and I was like that was fucking great. (11:04) My shoulders. (11:04) That's good.(11:05) OK. (11:05) 20. (11:06) It's like OK.(11:07) Good. (11:08) 30. (11:09) OK.(11:10) That's probably where I'll stop. (11:11) And then I and then I put 30 down and I did 12 regular dips to end. (11:17) And this is with no breaks.(11:18) But I'm always trying to find that spot where you're confident and challenged. (11:30) Well the percentage in the order matters based on your belief. (11:33) Agreed.(11:33) Right. (11:34) So it is it is it is finding in the arena that is finding the sweet spot. (11:40) I do think that we get controlled all of us by what.(11:44) So you like cutting. (11:45) I like bulking. (11:47) Of course I'm tall.(11:48) You're short. (11:50) You're tall and bulky. (11:51) I like the result of it.(11:53) So I don't enjoy the process. (11:55) I like. (11:55) No I know.(11:56) But that I don't feel as confident when I'm leaner. (12:03) Because I'm so tall. (12:05) So when I was tall and lanky I had an aversion to that.(12:10) Whereas I have a client who is 5'2". (12:13) She feels really big even when she's not big at all. (12:17) Just because she's so short.(12:19) Same with you and you're not 5'2". (12:21) But you're like a sausage.

Alan Lazaros

(12:24) And that's okay.

Kevin Palmieri

(12:25) But when you're lean you look really jacked. (12:28) When I'm really lean I look really fucking lanky. (12:32) You know.(12:32) Do you think do you think other people think that? (12:35) Um no. (12:36) Not as much as I thought.(12:38) Yeah. (12:39) Yeah and I think that that's why we all have to be aware of this. (12:43) One of the things that I think is so hard about this show 11 years later for me 9 years later for you is we are we've overcome a lot of the things that it's almost like the principle doesn't apply anymore.(12:57) Let me explain. (12:58) So you're short so you wanted to be super jacked and you like being lean. (13:05) But you know that so now you force yourself to bulk.(13:09) I am afraid of being lanky so I like to bulk but I force myself to cut because I'm overriding it. (13:15) It's almost like when I am with younger clients for example 26 year old 31 year old uh 28 year old it's like oh you haven't gotten past that thing yet and if I use me as an example it'll be an L because I'm I'm overriding. (13:38) I've been overriding that for six years.(13:39) I've already I've been overriding that for nine years. (13:42) Um so you you don't believe in yourself and now you say I don't believe in myself but now you do. (13:47) So it's like it just like the humble thing you can't say you're humble but what if you know that you actually are humble.(13:56) You could say it but whether people believe it or not that's my (13:59) point right it's very hard to explain things when you're it's almost like the basic principle of (14:06) like if you're not confident you probably act confident socially but that's not true anymore (14:11) for if you go past that and know that and then you over correct that's another episode it's (14:14) like a paradox within a paradox which is going to be well we've had that conversation where you're (14:19) like I don't know man I feel like on the podcast we're under it's like dude I just don't like this (14:23) is me I don't I don't want to put on a show and pretend I'm like this is me when I'm confident (14:27) this is how I show up I don't I'm not allowed to show before no because I thought that's what you (14:34) had to do how do you know that that's not the case again it is just less than ever yeah just just way (14:40) way way less than ever and it'll seem like way more than I thought in five years most likely (14:46) forever so how do you do that in advance you can't yes you can yes you fucking can you can go into the (14:55) future project that you are and then look back at you now and change it now you are projecting right (15:01) now son no I'm sure goats go a month from now and look back at this Kev what do you wish you could (15:09) a month I don't know nothing oh come on no I don't think so get better sleep dumb nice perfect (15:19) get better sleep stupid head I love it yeah perfect great that's that you did it see yeah (15:26) but I I would have told this a month ago I would have said the same thing the previous (15:29) Kev I didn't do anything about it I kind of did but it's like it's not enough time (15:35) you know do a year I don't know because I don't necessarily you get more sleep (15:45) shithead same thing okay same thing so why can't you come back in the present and listen to your (15:51) future self because the uh there is not a great enough reason that there is now (15:59) it there isn't though you're gonna regret it I don't think I'm gonna regret it I think that's (16:05) the problem because it's because it's not detrimental enough to notice so there's (16:12) nothing to regret it's like I'm yeah can I okay I'll regret the opportunity cost of which I don't (16:17) actually fully understand what it is so I'm not really gonna regret it you know we gotta do another (16:21) episode on that but that is so fundamentally flawed okay then if you set a goal to get better sleep (16:31) all of a sudden you'll hone in on this yeah that's what next the next episode is on basically that (16:39) I want to do that because you know change the whole fucking lineup it's not really though it's (16:44) the same as the standards kind of because the standards are predicated on the goal the goal (16:48) is predicated on self-belief so we'll be just we'll just accordingly all right get back to (16:51) confidence all right we're all over first of all first of all yeah I want to say this to our (16:56) listeners I'm I'm at bat for people who listen daily same yes if you're listening just once and (17:05) fine but I you're gonna miss references you're I want people who are plugged into NLU (17:12) and I want to optimize for that because the whole purpose of the show is to get a little (17:16) better each day and I think that in the past I used to say hey don't use acronyms you know (17:22) imagine if it's a new listener they won't know that story I don't know if I want to care about (17:25) that anymore I think I want to optimize for people who really are plugged into NLU who (17:29) really are on this journey with us and then people who are new yeah you might feel a little out of (17:34) loop but that's okay that'll go away over time probably pretty quickly because we say a lot of (17:39) the same shit like NLU you'll know pretty quickly that's next level university and then you'll then (17:44) from there you'll be able to we do have a lot of acronyms for sure but once you get it you'll get (17:50) it remember when we used to have themed weeks I don't want to do themed weeks but I do want to (17:55) be able to talk about tomorrow's episode today oh for sure yeah well I think we just boxed ourselves (18:00) in like we are very much based on you more than I in the beginning for sure when you do something (18:05) you dial it up so it's like all right every episode is going to be hey welcome uh we hope (18:12) you enjoyed yesterday's episode where we talked about blah blah blah blah blah that was always (18:15) the opening then we got into the episode and we realized like that's not necessarily a great way (18:20) it doesn't really work that well and then at the end it would be like hey make sure you tune in (18:25) tomorrow where we're going to talk about how does how long does it take for your standard to become (18:28) identity it's like I don't know if I want to do that but we all yeah of course we can say let's (18:33) talk about that tomorrow yeah nice I just don't want to systemize it especially because we're (18:36) doing it right after this yeah but you know what I mean like sometimes it take the it takes the (18:40) creativity takes the creative process over structured at the expense of creativity yeah (18:44) all right speaking of over structured and fucking up confidence yeah all right let's bring this all (18:49) the way down to the micro give me three things that make you feel more confident let's give the (18:55) listeners some ideas at the end of the day we're leading by example but we want you thinking about (18:59) you being lean nice a wonderful night of intimacy the next day love fucking superhero same yep um (19:09) my car like I fucking love my car I don't know I feel like people just lie about this all the time (19:17) you know like it shouldn't matter I'm not saying it I'm not saying the truth it just doesn't matter (19:23) to some people it doesn't and it shouldn't matter to some people that's right if it doesn't perfect (19:27) I to me you don't know to me it's like why would that matter but you could say the same thing about (19:34) my shirt right right it's like why would that matter who cares that I think that's that's the (19:38) through line for this entire episode for me is like it has to matter to you it doesn't have to (19:42) matter to me it has to be it has to be meaningful to you and who the fuck am I to judge it who am I (19:49) dude honestly you and I behind the scenes for sure me I'll speak about myself I could never (19:55) like somebody would mow their lawn and take a picture of it and they'd be like fuck yeah and (19:59) I was always like that's the dumbest shit ever I get it now you have people over when they pull up (20:05) and they pull in your driveway you want to show them your fully manicured lawn I understand is (20:10) that that makes you confident understand cool you do you I was fucking wrong I just don't get it (20:16) I don't get it just like for you just like you might not get Kev why does like why do you have (20:22) to be in shape I don't I just fucking do I have to it's not even a choice I don't it's not even (20:28) that I necessarily want to I just have to because if I don't I'll go off the rails okay where does (20:34) that come from this is connecting to the standards when I was young boy when I was young boy when I (20:41) was young boy now I am young man when I was when I was 16 everybody was taller than me and the one (20:50) thing I could control was I'm gonna go to the gym and I'm gonna get strong and I'm gonna get jacked (20:54) and I think people tell themselves a story that you can fully rewire that you're not gonna get (20:59) rid of that completely I don't want to can overcome it a bit I can't stand when people say oh is that (21:04) you think that's a crutch you think you should no I don't want to rewire that why would I want to (21:09) wire that no it's great you back well how yes but you have you also have to have self-awareness (21:16) and the understanding that you can take anything too far where was okay when was that holding you (21:22) back potty building probably I mean I was so regimented that I said no to so many things (21:30) it just didn't it wasn't a good experience but I had a very specific three-month goal like I (21:35) want to win this show so fuck it three months whatever so I miss a couple things or if you (21:40) weren't in shape you wouldn't go that's why I remember you were gonna go camping and this isn't (21:46) why you didn't come but you came camping I didn't come because I didn't like most of the people I (21:49) think understandable no I think totally understandable but one of the reasons you didn't (21:54) come is because you were a fucking coward that was the biggest reason I was jacked that has nothing (21:59) to do with me no no no I know I know my point is hold on hold on my point is my point is thing (22:05) if it was a winter party I wouldn't have come it was summer I could take my shirt off I'm there (22:09) I'll just get really drunk whatever can jam of course shirt off was off the whole time of course (22:13) do you remember that person who uh told me they could run a mile faster yes to me yeah it was (22:18) hilarious they could no they definitely didn't it wasn't me what do you mean you're huge I was a (22:24) runner back in high school brother brother I just watched you drink a fifth of tequila get on the (22:28) line it was hilarious line them up anyways um my point of that we got some stories you and I (22:34) my point of that is what if you were were out of shape would you not go (22:39) I think that's what people are saying it's a crutch if you can't exactly but hypothetically (22:45) for fuck's sake sir all right it's a crutch if you can't it's a crutch if you can't show up in (22:49) a Toyota for sure you know what I mean like these things control you if you take them too far but (22:57) that doesn't mean like but I agree with you when it comes to this it's like well you shouldn't tie (23:02) yourself esteem to external things it's like yo yeah don't fucking everyone does are you are you (23:08) and you're telling me that you use filters on zoom and you're telling me that I should then (23:12) don't use the fucking filter I don't use a filter on anything I do and you're gonna tell me that (23:17) it's controlling me okay okay it's it's when you can't get on zoom without a filter that it becomes (23:22) a crutch yes but all that is so interesting there's a five to it right on one hand you think (23:27) you can be fully enlightened with nothing external and on the other hand you you need (23:32) you need a mansion in order to feel good about yourself you see it's it's I do I do the the (23:36) truth is in the goddamn middle every time the two extremes so um the confidence thing (23:44) what makes you feel confident because okay uh why do you always have to dress nice are you (23:52) do you have confidence issues it's like Kevin could show up with a beanie and you you have to (23:56) have your hair did every time it's like I don't fucking have to there are I don't have to I want (24:03) it how do you know when it's a have to versus a want to that's a good question how do you know (24:09) I like being well kept I can't I don't know how to explain this but there probably was a point (24:22) where it was a crutch you know like some of this stuff what's a good example of this I have an (24:31) example but I don't know how it I remember when I lived with Matt he was like dude you got to like (24:38) look good when you go to the gym if you're trying to meet somebody at the gym you got to look good (24:42) and I was like dude fucking I don't care man I'm not gonna do my fucking hair before I'm gonna (24:47) throw on a ripped shirt I don't care I don't want to have to dress a certain way to go to the gym (24:53) I've lost the plot if I have to do that I don't that's not a line for me yeah is that just a (24:59) crutch of me just not caring so I can just say like I don't care anyway so if nothing good comes (25:04) of it I can just say well I don't care anyway I don't know you tell me at the time it probably (25:08) was you back then when you were single and you wanted to ask that girl out yeah it would have (25:15) benefited you to be a little more well kept and the truth is you grew up in an environment that (25:20) wasn't that well kept yeah and I wanted to live under the the guise that that just shouldn't be (25:25) the way it is I know but and here's the drive to five it does matter and it shouldn't matter as (25:33) much as it does but you have to live in the real world see this is all a maturity conversation I (25:39) feel like everybody goes through these goddamn pendulum swings where it's like well success (25:45) externally shouldn't matter and all that matters is internal fulfillment and then it's like back to (25:49) it's it's it's obviously both I said this to you earlier success first fulfillment second (25:57) success in what it means for you confidence in what it means for you okay when were you the most (26:14) confident not not necessarily you but everyone watching or listening when were you the most (26:20) confident and why be honest with yourself you don't have to tell anyone this write it (26:26) in your fucking journal I actually hate the fact that you and I have to tell people I I kind of hate (26:30) it I'll be honest like I don't like sharing certain things like I don't want to talk about my fucking (26:35) shirts I don't want to talk about how 0.1 improvement in the gym every single day I don't (26:39) would rather just walk I don't want to talk I'm so far past that I just know I have to because we're (26:45) leaders like I'm supposed to it's it's my point is is be honest with yourself behind the scenes (26:51) when no one's watching when was it for you when did you feel most confident I felt very confident (27:00) at her Nana's 90th I was dressed really nice I was lean but also feeling myself not in a bad way (27:13) but it was good real good yeah I think holistically I just felt like a grown-ass man in so many ways (27:21) is there any time in the past where you felt no that was the peak that was the most now I I there (27:28) are times where I felt more physically confident but never like that that physical mental emotional (27:33) and spiritual confidence so I felt the most and then I saw a picture of Jesus Christ that's not (27:41) the best photo um so the photo I posted I think is fucking terrible but whatever uh the truth of (27:47) the matter is I was like fuck yeah this is like I have become my childhood hero that and I think (27:55) that that's what real confidence actually is I really do believe that it doesn't really matter (27:59) if anyone else thinks I am yeah I don't I mean some people there there were some old ladies that (28:04) were really adorable with it and you know that whole thing but all that matters is that I have (28:10) become my own role model I think that that's what real confidence actually is is like what you looked (28:16) up to as a kid there was something to that if it was authentic and when you become your own hero (28:23) not in an ego way but authentically I I think that that's an indicator and and write down (28:28) everything that makes you feel confident write down everything that you admire write down (28:32) everything you fucking envy and make sure none of it is shit that you can't do anything about (28:38) like I can't be six seven no matter what I do right I can't be the strongest man on earth (28:45) but there's a lot of that stuff that is in your control and then you can just get to work (28:51) so Tara and I went to see Footloose the play first of all I like musicals I don't know what (28:57) happened to me I'm also convinced if you like music you have to like musicals it's like musicals (29:01) are amazing it's the best you would like Wicked then I'm sure I would it's fucking I just don't (29:07) know if I can sit down and watch and I was there so there's nothing else to do but here it's like (29:12) YouTube and there's just too much stuff but she had no idea I bought us tickets I set up the date (29:18) that's dude walking in and like sitting down with her that was the best it's the best most (29:24) confident you've ever been because holistically because I do at times I feel like a grown-ass (29:30) man and then other times it's like oh my god I'm a child I mean I thought by now like certain (29:35) thoughts would just go away I know I don't know if they're ever gonna go away nice it's not nice (29:41) I don't know if I know but it's nice that you're admitting it yeah I like that you're admitting (29:45) there so here's this is the other thing and then we'll get out of here because I know we're only (29:49) gonna get too realistic but when I I don't even know don't know how to explain it when I look (29:59) back on my old bodybuilding pictures I know I wasn't actually confident okay if I could look (30:07) that way now with the consciousness I have I know I actually would be confident in that because it (30:12) was a crutch back then it's not a crutch anymore oh back then it was if I can get that back (30:20) I can't realistically because that was this we have to say we have to do this sorry to interrupt (30:24) you level one yeah insecure okay young man or woman high school just insecure about something (30:37) okay confident in something insecure about something you were confident in athletics (30:42) insecure in women and your height height mostly okay I did pretty well in high school (30:49) like I dated I mean yeah I dated one of the more popular people I've been trying to tell you that (30:53) and you're like I wasn't popular so anyways I wasn't I was on the outskirts popular confident (30:57) in athletics yes not confident in your height yes all right I was confident in intelligence (31:03) that's never gone away not confident in puberty okay okay insecurities level one level two (31:14) swing in the full opposite direction with a little bit of ego okay I'm insecure so I'm (31:20) gonna overcompensate and then you you you you overdo it tracks okay okay then quarter life (31:29) crisis we're both 26 boom oh okay we've obviously overswung here I gotta find myself again (31:39) level three you go back and you find your center and you and you tell yourself a story I don't (31:44) really need to be jacked anymore I just want to be but like not as much and I don't need the ego (31:51) anymore and I'm not going to worry about caring about cars or clothes or whatever whatever it (31:58) is for you okay and and then you overdo that and you're this like centered unsuccessful person (32:07) and then you realize oh fuck I've lost my fucking tenacity I've lost my warrior I've lost (32:15) I've lost my what what made me confident as an overcome from insecurity next level (32:24) we'll level it level four level four is you swing it back you start caring about external things (32:29) again uh you start dating again you start caring about cars clothes homes women whatever it is (32:37) but this time centered and this time not need but want yeah I would say level five that's good (32:47) level five I'm gonna make this shit up on the spot seriously no I think you you know (32:53) that life is the integration of little alan insecure plus grown ass holistic and and you (33:05) need them both and and kev sam little kevin like little kevin wanted the nicest car of course to (33:12) overcome him being short and insignificant to women and broke and turns out girls don't give (33:16) a fuck mostly but but the truth of the matter is is like you do still care and I think that that's (33:21) that's what this is so I came here level five is when you bring little alan with you where it's (33:30) like oh I totally have my dream girl now natalie portman was my dream and now I have something (33:36) even better than that and let's not pretend that it's not awesome to have the hottest (33:40) girlfriend and wife ever however it's more than that now right and and and yeah I want to be (33:48) jacked but I don't have to be yeah I want to be wealthy but I don't have to be yeah I want to be (33:52) strong and confident but I don't have to be I just want to be still and I think that but don't you (33:57) kind of have to be no I don't think so it's weird dude it's weird I don't need to be wealthy I just (34:04) want to be and I know I will be and I know that that's probably sounding nuts (34:09) because when you need to be you're playing overly scared when you want to be (34:15) this is the if you learn to need nothing you'll have everything and this is what we should debate (34:19) about because it sounds fitness though fitness is different though why scarcity there is no (34:27) scarcity when you feel like you're in control I'm not scarce at all I know exactly what I'm doing (34:31) it's just whether or not I want it bad enough to actually fucking do the right thing at the point (34:36) that that's the point you you you don't need to be in shape but you want to be and you're in (34:45) I think I need to be no you don't you were letting yourself go it's fucking brutal for me to watch (34:51) yeah but I was still in better shape than I don't care you let it fucking go and you were okay with (34:57) it that's what scared me well I knew I'd come I told you I said this is a fucking season I'll (35:00) be back baby I'm not worried about it I hadn't hammered it I I swear we called each other out (35:06) and all that kind of stuff I I do think you get to a you get to a place where you still want all (35:14) your goals and somehow you're also enough as you are I think that I am that I think it's hard (35:25) to explain what you do an episode on at some point but yeah it's like it's not an overswing from (35:30) insecurity anymore well it's not filling a void yeah that's all exactly that's that's what I always (35:35) try to say it's like building on top of what already is right it's right it's extra yeah my (35:39) car I yeah I get this is the difference I get momentary bouts of confidence when I drive my (35:44) car it doesn't complete me it doesn't fulfill me it's not gonna make me any happier in the long (35:49) run but moment to moment when I look out my driveway is right in front of my office like I (35:54) can see my car awesome love that don't you think it is it is like an add-on though I think it's (35:59) an add-on yes but it's not remember in Power Rangers when they would like get all together (36:04) way back in the 90s we were Power Rangers yeah of course and they would what's the thing called (36:08) when they would all team up and create the Megatron or whatever I don't I don't know (36:13) does doesn't it feel like okay 24 person team okay got to be the CEO of my own company okay (36:20) lots of money in the bank okay got my dream car okay got my dream home got my dream relationship (36:25) it feels like it strengthens you but rather than but it doesn't feel something that's empty (36:30) only if you're doing the inner work because if you're not doing the inner work then every one (36:34) of those is just like ah fuck I still that didn't do it that didn't do it that's exactly (36:37) the difference is the external stuff it's extra it's not everything it's not everything it's it's (36:46) extra it's nice it's nice to have it's nice to feel that way but if you don't feel that way without it (36:52) but again like even the fitness thing I don't know the fitness thing is weird for me like dude I (36:56) have to it's not an option to go to let it go although but it's different with different things (37:03) like you take away the Tesla okay takes a little bit of the armor off or strength or whatever but (37:13) it doesn't take a lot of it you know yeah I think it depends on what it is for each person I think (37:18) that's my point fair and if somebody inch it's nice to go work in a shit office you had to go (37:27) work in a shit office what and again by your standards I could do it and it wouldn't it (37:33) wouldn't like be impossible for me to actually do it and I could rebuild all this I feel confident (37:39) in that however it would suck that okay and it would be a part it would it's a part of it and (37:46) I think that like everyone has to figure out for themselves like if you Amelia and I are good dude (37:50) everything else is gravy I'm that's it for me physique matters a lot for me fitness athleticism (38:01) when I'm injured I'm not the same man I'm telling you when I'm when I when I feel weak and frail and (38:08) and not athletic it bothers me to my core for you finances bother you more than me I 100 I remember (38:16) I had shingles remember I had shingles a couple years yeah yeah yeah it was fucking terrible but (38:20) like give me that over being broke I'll take that 10 times out of 10 not a chance for me oh but (38:28) that's also because you feel in control of that's I think that's the lesson in all this I feel in (38:33) control of finance yeah that's the lesson whatever you feel the most control over it no longer (38:37) controls you that whatever you feel the most control over it no longer controls you I think (38:43) that's a good a good wrap-up same I'm glad we got there because it is it's hard to explain (38:49) because if I try to explain this to 16 year old Kevin like that's the dumbest shit I've heard in (38:52) my life it doesn't make any sense it's like well no I understand but Kev like you're not super (38:56) developed so you don't really you don't fucking know yourself you have no idea who you even are (39:00) so of course this doesn't make any sense logically logically it doesn't make any sense and I don't (39:05) want it to come off like you don't need to be successful because you know what I mean I don't (39:11) want this to be like oh eventually you'll reach a point of transcendence where nothing material (39:17) matters like that is not what I'm talking about definitely not what I'm talking about is it will (39:21) matter less and less as you as you're more and more in control of it right because it will it won't (39:26) control you I think that that's when I say you can take all this away I'm now the man who knows (39:33) how to rebuild it and it would still suck it would still absolutely don't I don't want that (39:38) to happen I'm just saying it's no longer from a place of of insecurity it's no longer from a place (39:45) of not enough it's it's more now of how far can I take this thing that you get to a point where (39:51) it's not like I'm not enough so let me compensate it unwise self-improvement is I'm not enough so (39:56) I'm gonna go try to be better wise self-improvement is I accept all of who I am I'm aware of all of (40:04) who I am I accept all of who I am now I'm gonna go improve and and see how far I can take it one of (40:11) them is I'm gonna see how far I can take this the other one is I need this to go a certain way (40:15) and it's far less of like a let down when you get something and it doesn't fix what you thought (40:21) I think that's one of the harder things like when you're young you try to get things that you think (40:26) are going to fix you as you get older and things happen you're like this is something that some (40:33) even though I don't think it'll do almost anything for me internally it actually did like the car is (40:38) an example or moving here is a great example it did way more internally than I thought it would (40:43) yeah way more versus in the past it would have done less because you thought it would have because (40:47) I thought it was going to be everything I thought this was going to be the fix we got to this at (40:51) some point uh you we have three sort of core wounds defective unlovable unwanted I've heard (40:58) from many unwanted the fix thing I've noticed that I don't feel broken at all I I've never (41:07) thought anything external would ever fix me oh I always did that is something I've heard from a (41:12) lot of people who identify with your core wound I think for me it's like acceptance and fitting in (41:20) that is it feels impossible for you it's somehow external things are going to fix you that's like (41:26) a story you told yourself if I yeah if I only had the way at all what I didn't have I would never (41:34) feel the way I felt for me I think I felt that way with love like relationships like a girl (41:42) would complete me or being loved and accepted would complete me or friends it's so interesting (41:49) we should talk about that I had that too though the girl thing I had that for a long time too (41:53) yeah I assume you need to think every girl's I've never said out loud though like I thought (41:57) something would fix me that's a that's a thing that I've heard several clients say yeah that (42:03) are identifying with your core wound so that's not everybody I would say a small percent of the (42:09) population has that like the this external thing will fix me I've never once felt broken or anything (42:17) like that I definitely did we'll have to we'll do an episode on at some point yeah cool all right (42:22) all over the rails in a really good way today I enjoyed today's episode very much okay if you're (42:26) looking for coaching and you're looking to work with somebody who has worked a ton on themselves (42:32) and they can help you highlight some of the things that we talked about here today (42:36) Alan's your guy for sure and I think that's the that's the interesting thing and again yes I'm (42:40) selling Alan but I wouldn't say it if I didn't think it was true I think you know this at this (42:44) point that's the interesting thing is so much external success is based on internal understanding (42:49) so like if you want a success coach who doesn't talk about the inner world that is not a success (42:53) coach I'm certain it's that's not and you're not that guy you're the you both both worlds so (42:58) reach out to Alan if you are interested in that next level nation is popping off we are doing (43:03) some more unique stuff in there so if you are interested in being in a group of amazing humans (43:07) who are focused on getting to the next level we'll have the link below for our private facebook group (43:12) as always we love you we appreciate you grateful for each and every one of you and if you are as (43:15) committed as you say you are to getting to the next level make sure you tune in tomorrow because (43:18) we will be here every single day to help you get there keep leveling up to reach your full potential (43:23) next level nation thanks for joining us for another episode of next level university we (43:29) love connecting with the next level family we mean it when we say family if you ever need anything (43:35) please reach out to us directly everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes (43:40) thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow