How Do You Figure Out If Your Strategy Is Constructive VS Destructive? (2417)

The line between growth and damage is thinner than most people think. In today’s episode, Kevin and Alan break down how to tell whether your habits, standards, feedback, and work ethic are building real progress or quietly working against you. Drawing from bodybuilding prep, coaching clients, relationship standards, and thousands of episodes in personal development, they challenge the belief that intensity is always unhealthy and comfort is always wisdom.

This episode gets into discipline, self-awareness, consistency, ego, feedback, and the skill of knowing your own threshold. It is not about doing more just to prove a point. It is about choosing the right kind of pressure, the kind that strengthens your identity, supports your goals, and matches the life you say you want. Press play before your comfort zone starts sounding like a life coach.

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Digital Asset:
Dose of Stressor - https://drive.google.com/file/d/1riopxdrbRHbQcDDoku509N5Y2iidR5zC/view?usp=drive_link

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NLU is not just a podcast; it’s a gateway to a wealth of resources designed to help you achieve your goals and dreams. From our Next Level Dreamliner to our Group Coaching, we offer a variety of tools and communities to support your personal development journey.

For more information, check out our website and socials using the links below. 👇

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Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(3:52) The right dose of stress
(6:06) Why does too little challenge weaken growth
(10:16) Knowing your personal threshold
(12:21) Ego, humility, and doing more
(15:22) Self-belief changes how you handle feedback
(18:25) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) Alan sent me a graph via WhatsApp last night and said, hey, take a look at this graph. (0:07) I think we should do an episode on this and further the conversation around constructive versus destructive when it comes to habits and when it comes to activities and when it comes to expectations, when it comes to giving yourself feedback. (0:18) So today that's what we're going to do.

Alan Lazaros

(0:20) Human beings are on freaking believably adaptable based on what you do and don't do, think and don't think, feel and don't feel. (0:29) You can rise to the occasion more than you believe this concept proves it.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:34) Welcome to Next Level University. (0:37) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri, and I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus. (0:41) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

(0:48) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:55) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

(1:10) Self-improvement in your pocket every day from anywhere, completely free. (1:17) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:22) Next Level Nation today for episode number 2417, how do you figure out if your strategy is constructive versus destructive? (1:30) There was a time in the past where I was very much involved in the bodybuilding circles and one of my good buddies was doing a bodybuilding show and his coach was atrocious. (1:41) His coach was not good.(1:43) Just, hey, if you're listening, you know, with love, you didn't do a good job. (1:49) You fucked up. (1:50) And I said, dude, you got to talk to my coach.(1:53) My coach will give it to you straight. (1:54) Take care of you, man. (1:55) My coach is the best.(1:56) He'll take care of you. (1:58) And I don't remember exactly how the conversation went and I think you, did you talk to my coach also at some point? (2:05) Oh, yeah.(2:06) And I'm fairly certain he probably said something similar to both of you of like, yeah, no, you guys aren't there. (2:11) You're not there yet. (2:12) You got to dial it in.(2:13) You got to do this. (2:14) I don't, what did you get? (2:15) I don't remember.(2:16) Well, I was really, really actually ahead of schedule.

Alan Lazaros

(2:21) Extremely lean. (2:21) When you talked to him? (2:23) Yeah.(2:23) And I was kind of freaking out. (2:26) Oh, yeah, yeah. (2:27) Yeah.(2:27) And I messaged him. (2:28) I said, hey, I'm scarce. (2:31) This is bad.(2:32) My mental health is not great. (2:34) He basically said, suck it the fuck up. (2:37) He didn't say that.(2:38) He sent me a long thing that said, if you want to win, then you're exactly where you're supposed to be. (2:43) Like figure it out. (2:44) And I won the whole show.

Kevin Palmieri

(2:46) And that strategy would be extremely detrimental to 99% of people. (2:54) Yeah, it was brutal. (2:55) It was brutal.(2:56) In that very specific, very intentional, very ambitious specific, that is the best feedback somebody can give you. (3:06) But for most people, that would be wildly destructive. (3:09) That is what we're talking about today.

Alan Lazaros

(3:10) Does, question, does Taryn notice when you're in a cut?

Kevin Palmieri

(3:15) Can she tell?

Alan Lazaros

(3:16) I don't know.

Kevin Palmieri

(3:17) In terms of like mood? (3:18) Yeah, yeah. (3:19) Emilia can tell.(3:21) Ah, dude, I've been, I don't know, man. (3:23) I've been dieting my whole life.

Alan Lazaros

(3:25) Probably to a degree. (3:26) Does she ever get like, all right, so we're coming up on next level live and we're doing the 10 pound in 10 week challenge. (3:32) Was there any level of you being a little more on edge than normal?

Kevin Palmieri

(3:36) No, because I hit my goal early on purpose. (3:40) I would say when I don't get good sleep, that is way more indicative.

Alan Lazaros

(3:44) She notices?

Kevin Palmieri

(3:45) Yeah. (3:46) Well, the dieting thing, not as much. (3:48) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(3:48) When I'm cutting, she notices for sure. (3:50) I'm just more on edge.

Kevin Palmieri

(3:51) Understandable.

Alan Lazaros

(3:52) More intense. (3:53) For me, it makes me even more intense. (3:54) I'm already pretty intense when I'm in a surplus.(3:56) But anyway, so this concept is called hormesis, not to be confused with homeostasis. (4:02) Hormesis is the idea that a little bit of a bad thing is actually a good thing. (4:09) So I use the metaphor with Kev before we hit record.(4:13) Running one mile is constructive for most people, even though it's going to be really hard. (4:21) Running 26 miles with zero training whatsoever is detrimental, destructive, but it crosses a chasm where 26 miles actually becomes constructive because you're at that level. (4:35) So the idea here is a little bit of a stressor.(4:40) I actually am looking at the graph right here. (4:42) So on the X axis is the dose of the stressor, aka the toxin, quote unquote. (4:48) If there's a threshold on the graph where if a little bit of a stressor is actually of benefit.(4:56) And we're going to pull this up on the screen. (4:59) Too much. (4:59) There crosses a line where there's a toxic dose.(5:04) So what is this? (5:06) I don't know. (5:09) It's like apples are good for you, but not if you eat 500 in one day.

Kevin Palmieri

(5:13) I think Advil or Tylenol. (5:15) You can die if you take too much of that. (5:17) Right, right.

Alan Lazaros

(5:19) But that's not a good example because Advil or Tylenol aren't necessarily things people do to achieve a goal. (5:29) Well, no, no. (5:31) I mean, it is the goal to not be in pain or whatever.

Kevin Palmieri

(5:33) Maybe a good example would be if you have an injury, slight injury, a tweak. (5:39) A little bit of movement, a little bit of exercise is good. (5:43) Or maybe if you feel like getting sick, a little bit of movement, a little bit of exercise is not bad.(5:48) But if you have the flu, you probably shouldn't go run the marathon. (5:52) That's probably not going to be. (5:53) Exactly.(5:53) So there is a line of, you cross a threshold where it's like this is no longer constructive, this is destructive.

Alan Lazaros

(5:59) Yeah, too much of a bad thing becomes toxic, but a little bit of it is actually good for you. (6:06) In parenting, they talk about this all the time. (6:10) Emilia's been studying developmental psychology, childhood development for her entire life, essentially.(6:16) And we have a bunch of clients that we coach that have kids. (6:20) You can't put your child in a little bubble where they never experience any adversity because then they become weaker. (6:28) But if it's all adversity, they also get all messed up.(6:34) Too much. (6:35) Yeah, too much. (6:36) So all of us have to, and to the point of yesterday's episode and the episode before, reaching your full potential.(6:42) The reason we're doing this is because you and I were arguing about the constructive amount of intensity. (6:50) And you said something along the lines of this podcast wouldn't be good for everyone. (6:54) And that I think is intellectually true, but emotionally that bothers me.(6:59) And you know what's fucking crazy about that? (7:01) Of course it's not good for everyone. (7:03) Yeah, it couldn't be.(7:04) It couldn't possibly be. (7:05) Why does that bother me? (7:06) Why isn't it okay that it's not good for everyone?(7:09) I don't know why I have this thing where it's like, I want to somehow have a podcast that's good for everyone. (7:14) That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life. (7:16) So that's my own shit I got to work through.(7:17) Is anything good for everyone? (7:19) No. (7:19) Of course not.(7:20) It's like Titanic. (7:22) That's the closest thing I can think of. (7:23) That movie's good for everyone.(7:25) Same. (7:25) And I think a true masterpiece is a movie that you can see as a kid and see as an adult, and it gets even better.

Kevin Palmieri

(7:33) Yeah, but you know what? (7:34) Look, if you're six years old, you can't see boobs. (7:37) Probably shouldn't be seeing boobs.(7:39) You can. (7:39) Well, you can. (7:40) I did, for sure.

Alan Lazaros

(7:41) But I'm just saying. (7:42) I pretended to close my eyes in the theater. (7:44) I was like, what, 1998?(7:47) How old was I? (7:48) I was 10?

Kevin Palmieri

(7:48) Yeah, 10.

Alan Lazaros

(7:49) I was 10. (7:50) Yeah, you were 9 and I was 10. (7:51) I had to sit on the floor because the theaters were so packed.(7:54) It was crazy. (7:55) Wild. (7:55) And I closed my eyes, pretended, and I looked through my fingers.(8:01) Well, yeah, you ended up just fine. (8:02) I remember that vividly.

Kevin Palmieri

(8:04) I don't remember. (8:05) Who sits on the floor in a movie theater? (8:07) I remember when Leo's character died.(8:09) I was like, my God, that man just made the greatest sacrifice. (8:11) I thought he died in real life. (8:13) I have no idea why I thought that.(8:15) I have no clue. (8:17) I thought he actually died. (8:20) That's the first time I ever remember going to the movies.(8:22) I thought in the movies was different than on video. (8:27) Wow, he just made the ultimate sacrifice. (8:30) That's wild.(8:30) Let me get back to the point here.

Alan Lazaros

(8:32) You and I are 9 and 10. (8:34) Why was that not constructive for us?

Kevin Palmieri

(8:36) Because we watched people die.

Alan Lazaros

(8:40) Okay, okay, okay.

Kevin Palmieri

(8:42) Was that too much? (8:44) Because it was PG-13. (8:46) Brother, I was watching porn when I was 6, so no.(8:50) I was watching... (8:51) That is too much. (8:52) I was watching Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.(8:55) Again, the first movie I ever remember seeing was Child's Play. (8:59) The doll that chases people around and kills them. (9:01) That is the first movie I remember seeing.

Alan Lazaros

(9:04) My sister had a bunch of movies. (9:05) Did you ever watch Urban Legend? (9:07) Of course I did.(9:08) Of course you did, yeah. (9:09) Dude, my sister was older. (9:11) I should not have been watching some of those movies, man.(9:14) We watched Hannibal. (9:18) Have you seen the movie Hannibal? (9:19) Of course.(9:20) It's a great movie. (9:21) Okay. (9:23) The dude feeds him his own brain, man.(9:26) All right. (9:28) I watched that with Emilia a couple years ago. (9:31) Psychological Thriller.(9:34) I'm pretty sure I saw this when I was 11 or some shit. (9:37) This is not okay. (9:39) I've been going back a lot to old movies and reprocessing my past, and it's like, who the fuck let me watch this when I was 11?(9:49) I'm furious with my parents. (9:50) It was probably just on. (9:51) It was probably just on TV.(9:52) No, it wasn't, man. (9:54) I was watching the full unrated version straight up. (9:58) Not okay.(9:59) For the parents out there, do better.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:02) I understand that. (10:04) Again, we had the box that gave you all the channels. (10:06) I had all the channels.(10:07) Do you not think that that's not your responsibility at 11?

Alan Lazaros

(10:11) Of course not. (10:13) Of course not.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:15) Destructive. (10:15) Destructive.

Alan Lazaros

(10:16) Okay, so back to this concept. (10:18) You have to decide. (10:20) There reaches a point where you're a fucking adult, and you gotta act like one.(10:24) And it's like, you have to decide for yourself what is constructive and destructive. (10:28) I believe that most people are way under. (10:33) I believe most people could be harder working.(10:36) There are some people that work too hard. (10:38) Very fucking few. (10:40) Yeah.(10:40) Most people are not getting enough challenge. (10:44) So it's called the challenge skill sweet spot. (10:47) Most people, 99% of people, underwork, don't overwork.(10:51) You ever hear those people that are like, yo, you know, Alan, you should really, like, you know, 43 days of running, you know, four years. (10:59) You worried about overtraining, man? (11:01) Brother, you need to worry about undertraining.(11:04) You deeply need to worry about undertraining. (11:07) Like two days a week, what the fuck are we doing? (11:09) That's not going to get you there.(11:11) However, however, if your goals are small and you start in the goal to get to three to four to five, I think that's one thing that you and I need to talk about briefly. (11:21) I know we gotta go. (11:23) I think, and I've never communicated this as effectively as I wish I did.(11:27) I have no problem with starting small if the goal is to increase. (11:32) But I do not like, oh, I'm going to do three days a week forever. (11:36) That isn't it.(11:37) That's never going to get you your dreams. (11:39) It's not. (11:41) And I wish I want to be honest with people like you want to know look around, look at your bank account, look at your body, go into a full-length mirror naked.(11:48) You are not pleased. (11:49) And I know you're not. (11:50) You want to know why three days a week ain't going to do it.(11:53) It's not going to do it. (11:55) I want people to be fulfilled in real life. (11:59) Your dreams are not coming true because you don't work enough.(12:02) Not because you work too much because you don't sleep enough because you don't track enough things because you aren't on point because you're not dialed in because you make terrible choices. (12:11) I don't want to be unkind to anyone. (12:13) But the thing that actually creates change is the truth.(12:16) And the truth is 99 percent of people are wildly underperforming.

Kevin Palmieri

(12:21) Well, it's hard because we there was somebody in our life one time was like, don't you think seven episodes a week is too much? (12:26) It's like, I know why you're saying that. (12:29) You're not saying that because you're concerned.(12:30) You're saying that because you're you really wish you were doing more. (12:35) And rather than and this is a good measure, I think, rather than have the humility and move the ego aside to look at that, you'd rather tell us that we're doing something wrong.

Alan Lazaros

(12:44) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(12:44) Because it's, oh, yeah, no, doing more is wrong because I want to do less than do less. (12:48) That's fine. (12:49) How do you know that?(12:51) How do I know what? (12:52) How did you know that he was full of it with that? (12:55) Because anybody's that that's in the do less and make more crowd is not.(13:02) What we're doing is not that.

Alan Lazaros

(13:04) Yeah, this principle. (13:06) Can't work. (13:09) This is why I struggle with work smart, not hard.(13:13) Because doing hard things by definition is necessary for growth.

Kevin Palmieri

(13:18) Well, the other point of it is working out two days a week might seem constructive, but if your goal is to get in really good shape, it's actually destructive. (13:29) Right. (13:30) But it's but I think we have connected more equals destruction when in reality, sometimes less.(13:36) OK, if you if you and Amelia did check ins every night, you did seven check ins a week. (13:42) Right. (13:42) There'd be a lot of people that would say that's destructive, like not if they can handle it and it's sustainable and it's making the relationship better.(13:48) You kind of do. (13:49) OK, what's probably destructive is having one every six months. (13:52) That's probably destructive.(13:53) Nice. (13:54) And I think that's an interesting because I think we have connected. (13:58) Constructive is a lot.(14:00) Destructive is too much or constructive is sustainable.

Alan Lazaros

(14:03) Destructive is too much. (14:04) And maybe with drugs and alcohol, too much is destructive. (14:07) Right.(14:08) But not with sleep and exercise and nutrition and work ethic and aligned goals. (14:16) I listen, drinking too much. (14:18) One hundred percent destructive.(14:20) I understand that. (14:20) For sure. (14:21) Totally.(14:24) Concern yourself with drinking too much. (14:26) Do not concern yourself with overexercising. (14:29) How what percentage of we just pick on, we're not gonna pick on anybody.(14:34) We'll just talk about the US. (14:35) How what percentage of the United States population do you actually think is overtraining? (14:39) Oh, less than one.(14:41) Yeah, less than one percent for sure. (14:43) Right. (14:43) So so why is everyone so concerned with overtraining?(14:47) Don't worry about overtraining. (14:48) Concern yourself with undertraining.

Kevin Palmieri

(14:50) Because I think it's an ego thing. (14:53) Yeah, I do. (14:53) I think it's an it's an ego thing.(14:56) One. (14:56) This is my thesis. (14:57) And we do.(14:58) We got to hop in two minutes. (14:59) We do a part two of this because this is like for some reason we've been on this kick that's going to be a week of this, I guess. (15:04) But if you're able to look at the truth without ego saving you, I think it's constructive.

Alan Lazaros

(15:11) OK, let's go into that because we do have a little bit. (15:14) We have a little bit.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:15) No, no, we don't.

Alan Lazaros

(15:15) Not a ton. (15:16) No, no. (15:16) We have two minutes.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:17) Two minutes.

Alan Lazaros

(15:18) OK, say that again. (15:22) If you look at the truth without ego saving you.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:25) If you can. (15:26) If you can look at the truth without having to ego up or get arrogant or make it or lessen it or eliminate it or put it on somebody else, I'm willing to bet it's probably constructive, which you believe is based on self-belief. (15:39) I think it's based on self-belief, self-awareness.(15:42) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(15:42) Yeah. (15:42) Because the higher your self-efficacy, self-belief, the more control you feel you have over the outcome, the less concerned you are with toxic feedback or negative feedback. (15:56) If you feel in control of the outcome, you're going to seek feedback that helps you do better.(16:02) But if you feel like it's completely outside of your control, even if it is within your control, you're going to avoid feedback because feedback is just painful. (16:10) And there's something here with shame too. (16:17) I asked Emilia once, what's the point of shame?(16:20) There has to be an evolutionary advantage to shame. (16:24) There has to be. (16:27) Why do humans feel emotions?(16:29) Because it helped us survive, not thrive. (16:31) Survive. (16:32) Is there ever a time, I watched, I saw a post yesterday and it showed all of these women famous people and then what they look like now.(16:43) And it was really the best photo ever. (16:45) And then the worst photo ever. (16:46) And some woman commented something like, how dare you judge people entirely on their appearance with women, blah, blah, blah, shame on you.(16:53) And I was like, good for you. (16:55) There are some things that are fucking shameful. (16:59) Like shame on you.(17:01) Is there not a constructive version of that where it's like, but Emilia said shame gets people stuck. (17:13) And I want to figure this out because she says you alchemize shame. (17:16) It's like, I don't know.(17:17) Yeah. (17:19) Okay. (17:19) So I feel ashamed about stuffing my face again.(17:23) So I'm going to fucking work out harder than I don't know if I understand the alternative. (17:28) Like we're going to have to do that tomorrow. (17:30) We don't have time.(17:31) Okay. (17:31) But I want to know from you, like, do you also do that? (17:34) Do you like, if I were to say, Alan, you fat fuck, like that would help me get my shit together.

Kevin Palmieri

(17:43) Yeah. (17:43) But I don't think you'd say that about something you're really ashamed of. (17:47) You know what I mean?(17:48) I don't think I probably would though. (17:50) Well, I don't know for me, if I'm, if I'm truly ashamed of something, I'm probably not going to be, I'm already beating myself up. (17:56) Like again, the story of when I was unkind to our driver one time, like I'm ashamed of that in the moment though, I was not beating myself up.

Alan Lazaros

(18:04) But that can, that can, you can transmute that, transform that into never doing it again. (18:08) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(18:09) I think in time, I'm ashamed of it now, but it's not in me still. (18:13) Like, I don't think I'm a bad person because of that. (18:15) We'll do that.(18:16) We're going to do that tomorrow. (18:17) We got to go.

Alan Lazaros

(18:18) You got a shame attached to you're very much likely to have a huge ego about and therefore not face the truth and transform that.

Kevin Palmieri

(18:24) Okay. (18:25) As the host, I got to take us out of here. (18:26) We love you.(18:26) We appreciate you. (18:27) Grateful for each and every one of you. (18:29) If you are as committed as you say you are to getting to the next level, make sure you tune in tomorrow because we will be here every single day to help you get there.

Alan Lazaros

(18:33) Keep leveling up to reach your full potential.

Kevin Palmieri

(18:36) Next level nation. (18:37) Thanks for joining us for another episode of next level university. (18:41) We love connecting with the next level family.

Alan Lazaros

(18:44) We mean it when we say family. (18:46) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. (18:49) Everything you need to get ahold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri

(18:53) Thank you again. (18:54) And we will talk to you tomorrow.