Is There More Pain In Being Yourself Or Pretending To Be Someone Else? (2420)

Authenticity sounds simple until being fully yourself threatens your need to belong. In this episode of Next Level University, Kevin and Alan break down the hidden cost of being authentic, pretending to fit in, and manufacturing acceptance in rooms where you may not actually belong.

Some people puff up. Some people dial down. Some people keep emotional distance so rejection never gets too close. Kevin and Alan use personal examples, client patterns, and years of coaching to challenge a hard question: is it more painful to be rejected for who you are, or accepted for who you are not? 

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Show notes:
(0:00) Intro
(4:01) Fitting in without feeling fake
(9:38) Core wounds and manufactured belonging
(14:45) Peer pressure, discipline, and self-respect
(19:01) Why authenticity hurts differently
(22:32) Significance, uniqueness, and identity
(25:58) Outro 

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri
(0:00) I have said this on many occasions, I think one of the hardest things in the world is being fully authentic, fully yourself, because if you are fully yourself and you say something that a lot of people or somebody you care about disagrees with, you don't have the out of saying, oh that wasn't even me, I don't really even think that, I don't care, I was pretending to be somebody I'm not. (0:22) You have to face the pain of that person does not like me for who I am, for what I like about myself as the full authentic version of myself, and I think that's very, very, very painful.
Alan Lazaros
(0:33) One of the deepest pains we face as human beings is not belonging. (0:39) When we get made fun of, when the class laughs at you, when you say something that, yeah, it's embarrassment and shame and belonging theory talks about how hard it is for human beings to not fit in. (0:56) However, that is probably necessary for you to be all of who you're meant to be.
Kevin Palmieri
(1:01) Welcome to Next Level University. (1:04) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri. (1:06) And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.
(1:09) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.
Alan Lazaros
(1:15) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.
Kevin Palmieri
(1:22) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.
Alan Lazaros
(1:38) Self-improvement, in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.
Kevin Palmieri
(1:44) Welcome to Next Level University. (1:50) Next Level Nation today for episode number 2420, is there more pain in being yourself or pretending to be someone else? (1:58) Okay.
(1:59) I was watching, I was watching a video on Steve Jobs, early Steve Jobs. (2:07) And it was one of those like YouTube motivational type videos, where the title was not Steve Jobs gives a speech about, it was The Pain of Being Yourself, I think was the title of it. (2:20) And I was thinking to myself, what has been more of a challenge for me?
(2:25) The pain of trying to be me? (2:28) What resonates with me more? (2:30) Not having the courage to be myself and the pain associated with it?
(2:34) Or do I have pain trying to be somebody else that I'm not? (2:39) Which one is harder? (2:41) Actually being you or pretending to be somebody you're not?
(2:44) And I was like, that would make for a cool episode. (2:47) That makes sense? (2:48) Yeah.
(2:49) Right? (2:49) Is that the same? (2:50) Is that the opposite?
(2:51) That's what I'm trying to get. (2:53) Do you have pain in being yourself versus pain in being somebody else that you're not? (2:59) With you so far.
(3:01) That's my thesis. (3:02) And I think everybody... (3:04) That's not a thesis, that's a question.
(3:05) That's my statement. (3:06) That's my statement. (3:07) No, there was no question there.
(3:08) There was. (3:08) Statement. (3:10) You didn't state anything.
(3:12) Which one's... (3:12) Is there more pain in being yourself or pretending to be someone else? (3:15) That's a question.
(3:17) Brother, you didn't answer it. (3:19) A statement is an answer. (3:21) No, a statement could be the dog ran to the fence.
(3:24) That's a statement. (3:25) Yeah, fair. (3:26) Okay, but you didn't answer.
Alan Lazaros
(3:27) Come at me. (3:28) You said thesis. (3:29) Thesis means you came to some fucking conclusion.
Kevin Palmieri
(3:33) Got me there. (3:34) Nice. (3:34) I've been using thesis a lot.
(3:36) I feel very smart today. (3:37) I don't even know. (3:38) It's probably not even using it correctly.
(3:39) How many times have I used the word for like a month and then been like, my God, that's not even the way it's supposed to be used. (3:44) Damn.
Alan Lazaros
(3:46) You do use thesis often. (3:48) I love thesis. (3:49) It's a good one.
Kevin Palmieri
(3:51) I think... (3:53) Which one is for you? (3:55) I think I'm in the middle, man.
(3:58) I think I'm in the middle. (3:59) Sounds about right. (3:59) Yeah, I think I'm in the middle.
(4:00) I don't... (4:01) It's a good question for everybody to ask themselves, for sure. (4:04) I feel like for better or worse, I fit in almost anywhere I go, depending on how much I decide I am okay to fit in.
(4:13) But I don't have any, going back to yesterday's episode, I don't really have any negative relationship with... (4:19) I just don't feel like I can be myself anywhere. (4:21) Like that does not resonate.
(4:22) I don't resonate with that at all.
Alan Lazaros
(4:24) Yeah.
Kevin Palmieri
(4:24) I don't resonate with that at all.
Alan Lazaros
(4:25) Do you have someone other than me who does?
Kevin Palmieri
(4:30) Yeah. (4:31) I think that's pretty common. (4:32) Maybe not to the degree of you, but I think that is like a probably a more common pain is I don't feel like I can ever actually be myself.
(4:42) Yeah. (4:43) That just wasn't mine.
Alan Lazaros
(4:45) In... (4:46) I'm going to go to the belonging theory piece. (4:47) So imagine a bell curve, statistical sample set, 100 random humans in the world.
(4:55) If you're on the very low end or the very high end, you have pain with being you, because humans are tribal and we want to belong. (5:04) So I think that your pain associated with not belonging is in correspondence with how unique you are. (5:12) So for example, someone who's really...
(5:14) There's a great book called Flowers for Algernon that I've talked to you about. (5:17) And in Flowers for Algernon, for those of you who haven't read it, it's a really, really, really famous book where it's a fictional book, but it's actually rooted in a lot of science. (5:27) And there's a guy named Charlie who is of extremely low IQ and mentally challenged.
(5:35) And they give him a drug that gets his brain to be way smarter, for lack of better phrasing. (5:42) And he goes from the lowest IQ on the spectrum to the highest. (5:46) And the whole book...
(5:48) And it's actually written in first person. (5:49) So I actually have to do the audio version because I can't read his horrible writing in diary prompts because he's so dumb, he can't write well. (6:00) And by the end...
(6:02) I'm going to probably spoiler alert. (6:05) If you want to watch the movie or there's two movies on it and there's a book as well, turn this off. (6:11) But I'm going to spoil the whole thing.
(6:12) So here we go. (6:13) All right. (6:13) So he goes from dumbest to smartest on the IQ spectrum and all the way back again.
(6:21) Dude, that book changed my fucking life because who he thought was his friends were actually making fun of him. (6:30) And then eventually he got so smart that even the professors didn't like him. (6:36) And I just resonated so deeply.
(6:39) So he went from not belonging at all because he wasn't smart enough to not belonging at all because he was too smart. (6:46) And there's a couple of love stories in there and him like going from, I hope I could get her one day to now I can easily get her because I'm smart enough to now I'm too smart. (6:57) I think she's an idiot.
(6:57) Like it was so powerful. (7:00) And I think that that's a good metaphor for anyone on a growth journey too because you're getting smarter and your relationships are changing. (7:06) And that's been really hard for me.
(7:09) Fortunately, I'm with someone who is beyond brilliant and who's also growing as much or more than me. (7:14) But in the past, it was awful. (7:16) So my point of this is if you're at the top or the bottom of any bell curve, I think you're going to have a ton of pain with actually being yourself.
(7:24) Social pain, social pain.
Kevin Palmieri
(7:26) Have you seen, I don't, I doubt you have. (7:28) And I didn't connect this until you just said that. (7:30) Have you seen poor things with Emma Stone?
(7:33) No, I think it might be the same exact plot point. (7:38) It's different. (7:39) There's a little bit of difference.
(7:41) Like there's some- It's a famous, really famous book.
Alan Lazaros
(7:43) And like, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of movies are based on it.
Kevin Palmieri
(7:47) It's, from what I remember, it's a very strange movie. (7:50) Poor things? (7:51) Poor things.
(7:53) Emma Stone. (7:55) 2023? (7:56) Holy shit.
(7:57) It was good. (7:58) It was a very interesting, she's a world-class actress for sure. (8:03) Okay.
(8:04) But I don't know if that's the exact thing, but it just reminded me of it. (8:07) Fair.
Alan Lazaros
(8:09) Back to this though. (8:11) So the, and I do want to see that by the way. (8:14) I've been, I have heard of it, but I don't think it's the same thing.
(8:18) The point of this is if you're really, really, really at the top or the bottom, you basically, in belonging theory, in Maslow's hierarchy of needs, belonging is missing. (8:31) And Emilia called that out years ago when I first met her. (8:33) And I realize now that that's, I think belonging is more of a need than almost anything else.
(8:38) Other than like food and water. (8:41) I think it's like food, water, belonging. (8:43) Fuck shelter.
(8:44) Belonging. (8:45) You need belonging. (8:46) That never resonates with me.
Kevin Palmieri
(8:47) It never resonates with me. (8:50) I always feel broken when I hear that. (8:52) Like genuinely, like vulnerably.
(8:54) I don't, I don't, that never, I don't know if I've ever felt like I belonged. (8:59) And I think I just get to a point where I was like, I don't think I'm supposed to. (9:02) I don't know if I'm supposed to belong.
(9:04) Where do you belong most? (9:07) I don't know. (9:09) I feel like I belong here.
(9:12) Maybe I'm just so used to, I get to do what I love all the time. (9:14) And I, this.
Alan Lazaros
(9:17) Where do you feel like you don't belong at all?
Kevin Palmieri
(9:21) It depends. (9:22) If I was fully authentically me all the time, I don't know if I'd feel like I belonged anywhere. (9:28) But I also don't have a negative association with not fully authentically being me because I haven't even fucking been this version of me for that long.
(9:34) So what's the, what's the big deal?
Alan Lazaros
(9:38) Well, so we're on a podcast right now. (9:41) So I'm going to keep this brief, but the three core wounds that NLU has been leveraging, I'll talk about me. (9:52) I have my own framework of core wounds and core limiting beliefs that I use to identify how to coach different people optimally.
(10:01) Kevin, it's defective, unlovable, unwanted. (10:03) I identify as unlovable. (10:05) Kevin identifies as unwanted.
(10:06) That is what you just said is exactly how unwanteds feel. (10:10) From what I, from my current statistical analysis of my clients. (10:14) What, what's the label?
(10:15) That they, something's wrong with them and that they don't belong anywhere. (10:19) But that's like a very common feeling. (10:21) I don't feel that way at all, but I definitely don't belong in most places.
(10:25) I belong with Emilia. (10:27) I definitely belong in every coaching session. (10:30) But you've witnessed people try to coach me.
(10:34) That's when I don't belong. (10:35) It's like, motherfucker. (10:35) You have no idea how much more I know than you.
(10:39) I just look like a Ken doll. (10:40) So you can't know that. (10:41) You, I'm way ahead of you.
(10:43) You just could never know that. (10:45) That's where it's like, oh my God. (10:47) And you felt that deeply at Podfest where you're like, I'm ahead of all these people.
(10:51) That's terrible. (10:52) Yeah. (10:52) Okay.
(10:52) So that's how I feel all the time.
Kevin Palmieri
(10:54) It's terrible.
Alan Lazaros
(10:54) And, and, you know, eventually by the time they realize that it won't matter because it'll be decades later. (11:00) Right? (11:01) So what's my point of this?
(11:04) I manufactured belonging by dimming the defectives, puff up to manufacture belonging and they pretend they belong. (11:11) Like you on the Steven Kotler interview, you didn't puff up. (11:15) You said, you know what?
(11:16) I'm just going to be funny. (11:18) Right. (11:19) You didn't try to pretend to be as smart as us or whatever.
Kevin Palmieri
(11:20) I think I probably did in the beginning. (11:22) And then I was like, this is not going, this is a new strategy. (11:25) I got to find a new strategy.
Alan Lazaros
(11:26) Yeah. (11:27) New strategy. (11:27) I have a client who I said, you should go listen to that episode because he loves Steven Kotler too.
(11:32) He loves the book. (11:33) He doesn't necessarily love Steven Kotler. (11:35) Although maybe he does.
(11:35) I said best book, one of the best books ever written, the art of impossible Steven Kotler. (11:39) One of the best books ever fucking written. (11:41) Unbelievable book.
(11:42) But anyways, Kevin and I interviewed Steven Kotler and I had been studying peak performance my entire life. (11:47) And Kev was like, oh, this is, I'm in trouble here. (11:49) Yeah, for sure.
(11:50) Cause Steven and I were nerding out. (11:52) But anyways, so the point of this is defectives tend to puff up to pretend they belong when they don't. (11:59) Cause they're on the bottom end of the bell curve.
(12:01) Like me and cross country. (12:04) That was one of the elite runners. (12:05) I had to try to really hard just to keep up with them.
(12:08) Okay. (12:08) So I'm dialing up to try to pretend I belong. (12:11) Although I didn't really do that.
(12:13) So that's probably a bad example, but picture yourself in that, in that space. (12:17) So the defectives puff up to pretend they belong. (12:20) The unlovable is dialed down to pretend they belong.
(12:22) Like when you and I first met, I definitely dumbed myself down for you to try to connect with you. (12:28) And we, and I can do that. (12:29) I can hang with the best of them.
(12:31) It's all good, baby. (12:32) We both grew up in the sticks. (12:33) It's fine.
(12:34) We can fuck around, but let's not get it twisted. (12:37) You know, I also can, you know, yeah, turn it up too. (12:41) And then, and then the unwanted, they, they basically are always authentic.
(12:47) And they want to always be them, their true self. (12:53) And they have these glass walls of like, you get to see all of who I am, but I'm not going to let you close to me unless you're in. (12:59) And, and they don't feel like they really belong anywhere.
(13:03) It's, it's been fascinating to study. (13:06) That's my, a very, very short synopsis of the framework that I use. (13:11) I am still trying to figure out the unwanted defectives.
(13:13) I know how to coach. (13:14) I know what they're about. (13:16) Uh, unlovable for sure.
(13:18) 10 out of 10, I understand them and they understand me. (13:20) And then the unwanted are like, what is you guys' fucking deal? (13:24) I, you guys all feel broken.
(13:26) It's interesting.
Kevin Palmieri
(13:28) You feel like something's wrong with you. (13:30) It's yeah. (13:30) It's like, it's that, but also maybe every, there's something wrong with everybody else.
(13:34) Yeah. (13:35) Like I've had that.
Alan Lazaros
(13:36) And again, I don't mean that with ego. (13:37) It's just like, there's not, you're not broken. (13:40) And you know, other people aren't broken either.
Kevin Palmieri
(13:42) I struggle just different with groups of men. (13:45) I don't like, I had somebody messaged me the other day. (13:48) It's like, first of all, it's like, and please, I don't know why you're DMing me, but it was like, Hey man, I just, I opened up this new like group of guys, you know, it's for like guys who are, you know, ambitious guys who are kind of lonely on the journey.
(14:00) It's like, you have pegged me completely wrong. (14:02) First of all, I don't, I'm not lonely at all. (14:04) So why do you resonate with me?
(14:08) I don't get how that works. (14:09) Character. (14:10) Because I can call you out and you can call me out.
(14:13) How many times we've been behind the scenes and be like, brother, what the fuck are you? (14:15) Come on. (14:16) What are you saying?
(14:16) We've been, we've had that both ways. (14:18) Yeah. (14:19) Many times.
(14:19) That, because I think.
Alan Lazaros
(14:22) Why can't you do that with other men?
Kevin Palmieri
(14:23) Because in a group it's, let's say it's seven against one.
Alan Lazaros
(14:27) If you're the only person usually is.
Kevin Palmieri
(14:30) Yeah. (14:30) Yeah. (14:31) Yeah.
(14:32) If you're, if you're in a group of anybody, like men, women, whatever. (14:36) Seven against one. (14:37) Not good.
Alan Lazaros
(14:37) Not good odds for me.
Kevin Palmieri
(14:39) No, no. (14:40) But like, um, how much can I share that? (14:45) Fuck it.
(14:45) I, uh, bachelor party went to a bachelor party. (14:48) Nice. (14:49) And I get along with everybody.
(14:50) There was one guy I didn't, I didn't super get along with.
Alan Lazaros
(14:53) Yeah.
Kevin Palmieri
(14:54) And we went out one of the nights to a, like a piano bar and I was like, all right, whatever. (15:00) Like, it's not for me. (15:00) This is not my bachelor party.
(15:01) Whatever. (15:02) I got to do what I got to do. (15:04) And he just.
Alan Lazaros
(15:05) Do you feel authentic there?
Kevin Palmieri
(15:06) No, fuck no. (15:07) Okay. (15:08) God, no, I don't want to be there at all.
(15:09) I'd rather be home doing nothing. (15:11) So you were there for your friend. (15:13) Yeah.
(15:13) Yeah. (15:14) Of course. (15:14) That's what a bachelor party is.
(15:15) Like I'm not, I'm, I didn't expect to have the time of my life. (15:19) I want to be home. (15:20) I don't want to, I, I get to golf, which was nice, but like, I want to be home.
(15:23) I'm not necessarily excited to, it's not my jam. (15:27) So. (15:28) No wonder why you have one friend.
(15:29) Yeah, it's the best. (15:31) Somehow one of the dudes comes back with like, somehow he procured like a full 12 pack. (15:36) I have no idea how he even did this.
(15:38) Like he came back with like a 12 pack of unopened beers. (15:40) It's like, dude, I don't, where the hell did you even get these? (15:42) He's like, all right, boys drink.
(15:44) And I was like, all right, I'm good with one. (15:45) And he just kept trying to feed me. (15:48) And I was like, at one point I was like, dude, with love, just cut it out.
(15:53) I'm not the one. (15:55) I know what you're trying to do. (15:56) I appreciate it.
(15:56) But like, you're not going to peer pressure me. (15:58) Good luck. (15:59) Like, just cut the shit.
(16:00) And we were great after that. (16:01) You just needed a little, but dude, I didn't feel like I belonged at all. (16:05) I was the one who, I'm the one who, when it's time to go, I'm just like, all right, everybody, I'm going to take off.
(16:12) And then you woke up at 5 a.m. to do your work. (16:15) I woke up at 5 a.m. to do my work. (16:17) And everybody thinks it's weird, but it's like, I know, I said this to Tyrone one time.
(16:21) I was like, babe, everybody wants to leave. (16:23) Nobody has the courage to go first. (16:24) I'll just, I'm okay with being the one who wants to go first.
(16:28) I don't understand. (16:29) Yeah. (16:30) Other thing, real quick.
(16:31) I went golfing a couple of weeks ago. (16:33) I'm supposed to have a tea time. (16:35) 8 a.m. I went by myself. (16:38) I'm supposed to be with three strangers. (16:39) I'm like, ah, fuck. (16:40) All right, whatever.
(16:40) It is what it is. (16:41) They don't show up. (16:43) Oh my, are you kidding me?
(16:45) I get to play 18 holes at 8 o'clock on a Sunday by myself. (16:50) Isn't that? (16:51) And then, like, I said that to someone.
(16:53) I was like, oh, that sucks. (16:54) What do you mean that sucks? (16:56) I'm serious.
(16:57) When I have enough money, I'm going to buy four tea times. (17:00) So I just play by myself. (17:02) But I think, I guess that's weird to me.
Alan Lazaros
(17:05) No, that is weird to anyone who has the other core wounds. (17:09) That's weird to anyone who has the other core wound. (17:11) I love it.
(17:11) Yeah, yep. (17:14) We should do an episode again at some point about the core wounds. (17:17) But ultimately, anyone who's resonating with Kev on any of that, without a freaking doubt, you are in the unwanted core wound.
(17:26) And everyone has all three, but you have a code. (17:28) I call it 123 or 321. (17:30) It's like defective, unlovable, unwanted, 123.
(17:33) He's a three first. (17:35) And again, I'm going to write a book on this at some point. (17:38) I'm still working out this.
(17:40) This is going to be like a personality test type of thing. (17:42) Sort of like Hexaco or, you know, a disc assessment, that kind of thing. (17:46) I'm going to have my own version of disc assessment based on these core wounds.
(17:51) And it's been unfreaking believable. (17:54) One of the things that's surprising to me is usually people with your core wound have commitment issues. (18:03) So I stay too long.
(18:05) Always. (18:07) You leave too quick. (18:08) Almost always.
(18:11) Would you say that's a...
Kevin Palmieri
(18:12) Is that a commitment issue? (18:15) Huh? (18:15) Wouldn't you say that's a commitment issue?
(18:17) I leave too soon.
Alan Lazaros
(18:18) Yeah, agreed.
Kevin Palmieri
(18:19) But you've overcome it with this company. (18:21) And I've never done that in intimate relationships either. (18:24) I am a serial monogamist.
(18:26) Like I don't... (18:27) I have no interest in being out and about. (18:29) Like I want to find my person and stay with my person.
(18:32) Yeah, it's surprising.
Alan Lazaros
(18:33) That's always been... (18:34) I'm still working through figuring that out. (18:37) I think it's the...
(18:37) To be continued though.
Kevin Palmieri
(18:38) Raised by women thing. (18:40) I think that's a piece of it. (18:42) Like if I wasn't raised by women, I don't know.
(18:44) I was raised by women. (18:45) So I grew up around women. (18:47) And I wanted to be as respectful as I could.
(18:48) And to me, that was just the way to be respectful.
Alan Lazaros
(18:52) Yeah. (18:54) Yeah. (18:54) To be continued.
(18:55) I have so much to say on this topic, obviously. (18:57) But now...
Kevin Palmieri
(18:57) Should we just do a part two on it?
Alan Lazaros
(19:01) Well, I want to go back to the point of this episode, which is... (19:04) Oh, okay. (19:04) You said...
Kevin Palmieri
(19:04) Is it more pain?
Alan Lazaros
(19:05) Yeah. (19:06) And you're in the middle. (19:07) Of course you are.
(19:10) If someone identifies with defective, here we go. (19:12) Then they have a lot of pain with being themselves. (19:15) Because being fully yourself means you're on the low end of the bell curve.
(19:17) And you don't fit in with average. (19:19) You're below average. (19:21) Even if you're not though?
(19:23) Yeah. (19:24) Defectives tend to be below average in competence things. (19:29) Not always.
(19:30) And not always. (19:31) Right? (19:31) Like there's a lot of nuance here.
(19:33) Don't...
Kevin Palmieri
(19:33) And hey, blankets.
Alan Lazaros
(19:34) If you're getting offended by this, you probably are defective. (19:36) But don't come at me, okay?
Kevin Palmieri
(19:37) These are all blankets. (19:38) It is what it is.
Alan Lazaros
(19:39) Yeah. (19:39) So most likely... (19:43) And the reason why is...
(19:44) Look at... (19:44) Think of a bell curve. (19:45) The person who's on the low end is puffing up to pretend that they're better than they are.
(19:50) So that they belong. (19:51) The person who's on the high end... (19:53) Me, I'm pretending I'm an idiot so that I belong.
(19:55) That's why I love drinking. (19:57) It made me dumber. (19:58) It's great.
(19:59) So anyone who's on the very low end or very high end is most likely unlovable... (20:05) Defective or unlovable. (20:07) The unwanted are like floating.
(20:09) They don't... (20:09) You're like at the top of bell curves in some things and at the very bottom in others. (20:13) It's like weird.
(20:13) You don't have any one place. (20:16) Like... (20:17) Oh, I want to not talk about myself.
(20:19) Okay, Emilia. (20:20) I'll use Emilia. (20:21) Perfect.
(20:22) Emilia is at the high end of pretty much every bell curve. (20:25) She's strong as shit. (20:26) She's athletic as fuck.
(20:27) She's brilliant. (20:28) She's hardworking. (20:29) Like she's at the very high end of almost every bell curve.
(20:31) She's very gifted. (20:32) And I can say that wholeheartedly. (20:33) I don't like talking about myself, but she's gifted for sure.
(20:36) Whether or not she accepts that is another story. (20:38) But the point is, is she doesn't naturally fit in anywhere. (20:42) Right?
(20:43) She's... (20:43) And you coach a few people that are like that. (20:46) And they feel like they always have to dial way down for everyone else to feel more comfortable.
(20:51) Particularly the people who are dialing up and don't want to be found out. (20:55) Right? (20:56) And so you don't have...
(20:57) We have a lot of pain associated with that. (20:59) I feel like that's so cowardly. (21:01) Like I'm going to pretend to be dumber to make you feel better.
(21:04) It's so fucking cowardly. (21:07) People used to tell Emilia like you shouldn't use such big words. (21:10) And she used to say like, why don't you study?
(21:12) Like, why do I have to be less for you to be okay? (21:16) And it's like, by the way, being smart's a good thing. (21:21) When did this become a bad thing?
(21:22) It's fucking crazy. (21:24) Like, how about you read a fucking book instead of me getting dumber? (21:28) Read a fucking book for once.
(21:29) It's literally brutal. (21:31) It's like, isn't being smart a great thing? (21:33) Like you use big words.
(21:35) It's like, no, I don't. (21:36) Look it up. (21:37) Yeah, but the problem is most people don't.
Kevin Palmieri
(21:39) That's the problem.
Alan Lazaros
(21:40) I know. (21:41) I remember in math class, I used to get so annoyed because it's like, yo, this person shouldn't be in an honors class. (21:47) This is a joke for me.
(21:49) Like this person's too unintelligent to be here. (21:51) Like they're holding us fucking back. (21:53) And that's the truth.
(21:54) Like they're holding me back. (21:56) And that's why I went to WPI and it was like, oh, okay. (21:59) All right, we're good.
(22:00) And that's why I wanted to go to MIT. (22:01) But I think that's the whole point of this whole thing is like, you end up being such an asshole. (22:07) Half of the things I've said are going to offend people who know they're not gifted.
(22:11) It's like, well, why are you such a prick? (22:13) It's like, no, it's not my fault. (22:14) I'm just, you're holding me back by not being as competent and capable.
(22:19) And the people who are the most competent and capable don't get offended when people say you're incompetent. (22:23) But the people who aren't competent, they get very offended. (22:26) And those are the ones who need to hear it so that they get better and or leave the honors class.
Kevin Palmieri
(22:32) It's a lot. (22:33) There's even a piece of me. (22:34) I don't know.
(22:34) Maybe at some point we can do a part two. (22:36) Even it's like, am I broken? (22:37) Because I don't feel a certain type of way that I am okay fitting in in a bunch of different places, even though I don't think I actually fit in.
(22:44) Like, shouldn't I want to stand out? (22:46) But I don't. (22:47) I don't.
Alan Lazaros
(22:49) It was interesting to see you want to stand out. (22:51) You wanted to be jacked. (22:51) You wanted to have a nice car.
(22:53) You wanted the hot girlfriend, but you didn't really care to stand out. (22:56) It's been fascinating. (22:57) It's like, you want significance, but you don't really want significance.
(23:02) Yeah, I don't know. (23:04) But that also tracks. (23:06) That I have a couple of clients who identify with unwanted.
(23:09) It tracks. (23:11) You guys want the nicest car on earth, but you don't like care if anyone else knows it, but you also want them to know it. (23:18) It's like weird.
(23:19) It's fast. (23:19) I get, I think I get significance from uniqueness. (23:22) That's what I get.
(23:23) I get significance from being. (23:24) It makes sense because if you fit in every room, you really want uniqueness. (23:28) Whereas I don't fit in easily.
(23:30) So I don't give a fuck about uniqueness. (23:32) Like I don't need more uniqueness. (23:34) I'm never going to be like, oh, you know, I'm really just not that different.
(23:38) I feel different. (23:40) I feel so fucking different. (23:43) Oh, every day I was in Walmart.
(23:46) I got a new TV and I was like, oh my God. (23:49) I'm so fucking different. (23:51) Like it's like saddening for me.
(23:54) It's like, I don't belong here at all. (23:55) I got to get the fuck out of here. (23:57) Like, I don't even know what I would talk to you about.
(23:59) This woman was trying to talk to me because she was waiting for the guy to come help me with the TV. (24:03) And I was like, oh my God, I don't think I can have this conversation with you. (24:07) I'm not trying to be disrespectful.
(24:08) I just, it's one o'clock in the afternoon. (24:09) Like I have a meeting in 20 minutes with a multimillionaire and I know you don't know that because I look like a bum who just got out of the gym, but like, I can't connect with you right now about this. (24:22) It's so interesting.
(24:23) Oh, it's so fascinating. (24:24) So, and there's nothing wrong with that. (24:25) That's her.
(24:26) No, no, no. (24:27) She was sweet. (24:27) She was very sweet.
(24:28) It's all good. (24:28) I just, I can't manufacture belonging right now. (24:32) I need you to just wait for the guy to come.
(24:35) I'm about to put this thing on my back and drag it out myself so I don't have to have this conversation, you know?
Kevin Palmieri
(24:40) So, um, to be continued, I, we, uh, we sold a piece of furniture yesterday on Facebook marketplace. (24:46) People came to pick it up. (24:46) I went down there, make sure everything's kosher.
(24:49) Let's, let's, you know, make sure my wife is safe. (24:51) Yeah. (24:51) And the dude was jacked.
(24:53) It's like, must've been 60. (24:54) He was like jacked. (24:54) I was like, you don't fucking need me.
(24:56) You're fine. (24:57) Let's get this thing out of here. (24:58) And I said, you guys came right on time.
(25:00) I was proud, dude, I was best friends with the guy. (25:02) In two minutes. (25:03) Like, I just like that.
(25:05) I enjoy that very much.
Alan Lazaros
(25:06) I don't enjoy that.
Kevin Palmieri
(25:07) That's how we're talking about golf. (25:08) Talking about his kids.
Alan Lazaros
(25:09) For me, it feels inauthentic.
Kevin Palmieri
(25:10) I could definitely connect on the bodybuilding though. (25:12) For sure. (25:12) For me, it doesn't, it feels super authentic.
(25:15) Yeah. (25:15) Because I like to talk to people, but I also, please don't talk to me, but I do love talking to people. (25:20) Make friends everywhere, but I, I don't know.
(25:23) Like to be alone, but I also. (25:25) Yeah. (25:25) I make friends in public, but I don't want you to come over.
(25:28) That's what it is. (25:29) I'm cool with talking to you at the gym. (25:31) And I, Bruce, 80 year old.
(25:33) I work out with Bruce every day. (25:34) I do not have Bruce's number. (25:35) I don't really have any interest in getting his number.
(25:37) You work out with him every day? (25:38) Every day. (25:38) Yeah.
(25:39) Seriously? (25:39) Yeah, it's awesome. (25:40) Nice.
(25:41) It's crazy.
Alan Lazaros
(25:42) There is, shout out to Bruce.
Kevin Palmieri
(25:44) There is a piece of me that probably should get his number because one day he's going to, and again, this is probably too dark, but he's going to pass away one, one day. (25:50) And I'd love to be able to like go to his funeral. (25:53) I know that's fucking weird to say about somebody that's living.
(25:56) Yeah. (25:57) But that's me in a nutshell. (25:58) All right.
(25:58) We got to go. (25:58) All right. (25:59) Reach out to Alan for coaching.
(26:00) If you feel different, if you feel super ambitious, whatever your difference is, Alan can help you with that for sure. (26:06) Next Level Nation, Next Level Fitness Accountability Group, all the happy jazz will be below. (26:10) Reach out to us, bada bing, bada boom.
(26:12) As always, we love you. (26:12) We appreciate you. (26:13) Grateful for each and every one of you.
(26:14) And if you are as committed as you say you are to getting to the next level, make sure you tune in tomorrow because we will be here every single day to help you get there.
Alan Lazaros
(26:20) Keep leveling up to reach your full potential. (26:22) Next Level Nation.
Kevin Palmieri
(26:24) Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. (26:28) We love connecting with the Next Level family.
Alan Lazaros
(26:31) We mean it when we say family. (26:33) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. (26:36) Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.
Kevin Palmieri
(26:39) Thank you again, and we will talk to you tomorrow.