The Downside Of Self-Belief (2425)

In today’s episode of Next Level University, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros unpack a hidden risk of personal growth: when self-belief becomes so strong that it starts to lose empathy. Kevin speaks from the memory of doubt, low belief, and rock bottom, while Alan brings the perspective of coaching, leadership, and high internal certainty.

This episode challenges the way people talk about responsibility, confidence, anxiety, and skill-building when they forget what struggle feels like. It is not about lowering the standard. It is about leading with belief, precision, and enough self-awareness to meet people where they are without losing sight of where they could go. Press play, and make sure your confidence still has a conscience.

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For more information, check out our website and socials using the links below. 👇

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Email:
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Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(2:04) The downside of self-belief
(5:49) When confidence loses empathy
(8:26) Self-belief as a hidden privilege
(12:28) Responsibility versus understanding
(16:53) Building belief through realistic goals
(18:10) Self-efficacy through small promises
(19:38) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) One of the things I promised myself at the beginning of this journey is no matter what happens, no matter how much belief I gain, no matter what changes, my goal will always be the same. (0:11) It will remain the same. (0:12) My goal is still to this day to be the type of person that I would have resonated with when I was down and out, when I was at rock bottom.(0:20) And I think one of the reasons I have not become guilty of what we're gonna talk about today is because it is constantly running me and on my mind at all times.

Alan Lazaros

(0:30) My mission was a little different than Kev's to reach my own unique full potential and help others do the same. (0:37) And I think that that has caused me to sometimes lose sight of what we're gonna talk about today.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:42) Welcome to Next Level University. (0:45) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri. (0:47) And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.(0:50) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven, but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

(0:56) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:03) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

(1:19) Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free. (1:25) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:31) Next Level Nation today for episode number 2,425, The Downside of Self-Belief. (1:37) Who knew there were downsides to such positive things? (1:40) All right, one, I'm gonna just throw a warning out.(1:42) I don't know how this episode is gonna go. (1:44) That's part one. (1:45) Part two, Alan and I are gonna probably debate and or disagree on what we're gonna talk about, but it's always with love and always with respect.(1:52) Okay, now that's off the table. (1:53) I said this to somebody the other day. (1:57) I said, can I say something with respect to raise a point?(2:02) They said, yeah, of course, absolutely. (2:03) Wonderful human. (2:04) I said, I think one of the things that we need to discuss is the fact that as somebody increases their level of self-belief, they unintentionally often lose empathy because they forget what it was like and or they just don't know what it was like to not believe in themselves.(2:19) And you'll hear like, I do agree with you, everybody can do better. (2:25) Yes. (2:25) Nice.(2:25) I do agree with that. (2:27) But then you'll hear people like that just scream from the rooftops. (2:33) Everything is your fault.(2:34) And if you don't turn your life around, you're a fucking loser. (2:38) And what was it recently? (2:39) Somebody was like, if you're not making $100,000 a month, you're a loser and you need to look in the mirror and figure out what you're doing with your life.(2:46) It's like, all right, well, that's like, we're one of the most successful people on the planet. (2:49) So like, that's pretty good. (2:50) That person better be in shape.(2:52) He is, he is in shape. (2:53) But he's also a fucking snake, for sure. (2:56) And probably on TRT or at least.(2:59) For sure. (3:01) So what is your perspective on this as somebody who doesn't necessarily know what it's like not to have self-belief? (3:10) I think it's really, what's the difference between sympathy and empathy?(3:14) Sympathy, you feel bad for some, I need to research that real quick.

Alan Lazaros

(3:19) I have the answer, brother. (3:20) You know the answer? (3:21) Okay, what's the answer?(3:22) Sympathy is feeling bad for someone. (3:27) Empathy is putting yourself in their shoes and feeling what they might be feeling. (3:33) Do you think you can empathize with something you've never felt?

Kevin Palmieri

(3:37) You can try?

Alan Lazaros

(3:38) I think you can simulate it. (3:39) I think you can try to simulate it, but I don't think it's, it's definitely not the same. (3:45) Right, right.(3:46) One of my CEO clients, he said something to me and I said, dude, nobody's going to feel bad for you. (4:00) And he's like, I know, and they shouldn't. (4:02) And I said, but I want you to know, you have a 45 person team.(4:06) Like, I get it. (4:10) This is fucking brutal. (4:11) And it's never not going to be brutal.(4:14) And you feel like you have to do everything yourself and you feel like everything that you don't touch seems to fall apart and all this stuff. (4:21) And as I was talking, I realized that nobody's ever going to be able to empathize. (4:29) Like, unless you've coached 32 people, some of them four times a week, you're not going to know what my life is like.(4:37) And I think that one of the really cool breakthroughs in this and I don't use breakthrough that often anymore because I feel like as you do this work for longer and longer and longer, the tweaks are smaller. (4:51) So breakthrough makes it seem like it's giant, never thought of thought. (4:54) But this is a big one for me, where it's like the last year or so, I've definitely, we did a episode recently on the goal is not to peak.(5:07) And I listened back last night. (5:11) Oh, I was fired up, fired up on the mic, baby. (5:15) I think I threw a mother effer in there.(5:17) I definitely did. (5:18) I definitely did. (5:19) And I was uncomfortable listening back.(5:23) And I also think it's important. (5:25) I do. (5:25) I also think it's my truth.(5:26) And I think a lot of it is the truth actually. (5:29) However, there is a part of me that was like, ooh, if you struggle with self-doubt, you are not going to resonate with that at fucking all. (5:39) And you're going to feel like I'm being a prick.(5:43) Now, what do we do about this? (5:49) So the thesis, the point of this episode is, if you have high self-belief, it's very hard to empathize with someone who doesn't.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:01) Yeah, I honestly, at times, and again, when I say you, I don't mean you. (6:09) I mean the high belief people. (6:11) Dude, I don't even think it's, I don't even think they don't empathize.(6:14) I think they villainize people with low self-belief. (6:17) I think they like look down on them. (6:19) You think I villainize?(6:20) No, no, no, no, I just said that. (6:21) That was my qualifier.

Alan Lazaros

(6:22) No, no, no, no, no, but I actually am asking from a, like if you do, that's okay.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:26) No, no. (6:28) Now, would you if you and I haven't worked together for so long? (6:33) I don't know.(6:33) Maybe. (6:34) I don't know. (6:36) But I think that's the difference.(6:38) Unintentionally. (6:39) Yeah, well, because you don't, I wouldn't really understand, yeah. (6:44) Yeah, it's like, I've just met so many people that have never had anxiety, and they're like, yeah, just get it together.(6:51) Okay, oh, okay. (6:56) Oh, get it together. (6:59) That's a fucking breakthrough.(7:01) Didn't, oh, just like, yeah, just don't care what people think. (7:05) Oh my God. (7:07) Snap my fingers and it's done.

Alan Lazaros

(7:09) It's like just stuff like that. (7:10) It's just, I just. (7:12) What do high self-belief people say that you think is landing like that?(7:16) Let's do that. (7:17) Let's go through a list of stuff that gets said. (7:20) Remember back in the day when I would say things?(7:22) I remember one time I said this to you, and you behind the scenes, you were kind enough to not do this on the mic, I think. (7:29) But I used to say, I've never once questioned whether or not I could do something. (7:32) I only ever questioned whether or not I want to.(7:35) And you're like, Alan, that makes no fucking sense. (7:38) To me.

Kevin Palmieri

(7:40) To you. (7:40) It doesn't make sense to me, because that's not the way I think. (7:44) Yeah, it's not the way I think.

Alan Lazaros

(7:47) I now, at the time, it was true, and it still kind of is true. (7:51) Obviously there's certain things I know I can't do, but I don't think about doing those things. (7:55) So it's, you know.

Kevin Palmieri

(7:56) The easiest way is I think people do not understand. (8:00) Now again, here's the fucking problem. (8:02) It's like I'm not trying to neglect, I'm not trying to take away all the work that people did in order to get self-belief.(8:07) I'm not, I am not. (8:08) It seems like you are. (8:10) I know.(8:10) And that's okay.

Alan Lazaros

(8:11) I know.

Kevin Palmieri

(8:11) But thank you for calling that out.

Alan Lazaros

(8:13) Of course, I can understand.

Kevin Palmieri

(8:14) I can understand.

Alan Lazaros

(8:15) But I think we're on to something with this, because I don't think a lot of people talk about this. (8:18) This is like one of those massive blind spots in the self-improvement, personal development, professional development space.

Kevin Palmieri

(8:26) Having massive self-belief is a privilege people don't understand. (8:30) 100%.

Alan Lazaros

(8:30) Absolutely.

Kevin Palmieri

(8:31) That, just that. (8:32) 10 out of 10. (8:33) It's that.(8:34) It's like, well just, you see somebody on social media, they're like six foot five, handsome, and they're like, yeah, I just walk up to girls and talk to them. (8:42) Oh, do you? (8:44) You're a fucking Abercrombie and Fitch model.(8:45) It's probably not super challenging, is it? (8:48) Like, it's not the same. (8:49) You don't know, you're playing with cards that other people don't necessarily have.

Alan Lazaros

(8:53) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(8:54) And for whatever reason, maybe it's because I didn't have that many fucking cards. (8:57) I had like four jokers in my thing. (8:59) It was like, all right, I'm all in.(9:01) That's what I got. (9:02) I don't know. (9:03) Dude, I very, I very rarely, being able to speak eloquently is a privilege that I've worked on every single day for the last nine years.(9:15) Do you know that? (9:16) No. (9:17) Cool.(9:18) No, no, no, no. (9:19) Which is why when I go work with someone new and it takes three hours to record a 15 minute video, there's zero part of me that's surprised. (9:28) Yeah.(9:29) I don't look down on them. (9:30) If anything, I look up to me. (9:32) It's like, fuck yeah, fuck yeah.(9:33) All that work has been paid off. (9:34) Nice.

Alan Lazaros

(9:35) Yeah. (9:36) Don't you think the truth is in the middle though? (9:39) Just because you're a great speaker doesn't mean they shouldn't get their shit together.(9:42) But why should they? (9:44) Because if you don't work on speaking and writing and reading, that's a mistake. (9:50) That's a huge fucking L.(9:51) Like you need to be eloquent and articulate. (9:54) We joke about me and you bumbling through our words, but at the end of the day, you can't win in life without being an effective communicator. (10:04) I mean, that's one of the fundamental professional development skills.(10:07) I created recently, yesterday, I created personal development, social development and professional development and five under each. (10:17) And I'm excited to share, obviously not on this episode, but one of the ones under professional development is effective communication. (10:24) And effective communication has sub-facets.(10:26) And so, yeah, they shouldn't be world-class, but they shouldn't not be able to speak effectively. (10:32) I don't disagree with that. (10:34) I mean, are they 12?(10:35) Are they 22? (10:36) Are they 32? (10:37) Are they 42?(10:37) If they're 42, shame on them. (10:39) They should learn how to fucking speak. (10:41) Now- It's not that they can't speak.(10:43) They can speak.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:45) They just can't speak to the level that's necessary for the next thing they're trying to do. (10:50) But why not? (10:51) Probably because they didn't take the harder road long before.(10:55) It was never a focus. (10:56) Why not?

Alan Lazaros

(10:57) It should have been. (10:58) It never had to be in order for them to do the thing that they were doing. (11:02) No, it did have to be.(11:03) They didn't know that it had to be. (11:05) Why didn't they know? (11:06) Because they didn't seek the knowledge.(11:07) How do you know it's not, because now, again, I don't know this person and this person's probably fine. (11:11) This is a hypothetical. (11:13) Oh.(11:13) Yeah, this isn't a specific person in my mind. (11:15) Oh, okay. (11:16) Well, it's both.(11:18) It's the individual's responsibility and you could easily just say, oh, well, I'm 50. (11:25) I never really learned how to speak eloquently. (11:27) Whose fault is that?(11:29) Fair. (11:29) You gotta hold someone responsible for their own inadequacies. (11:34) There's an expiration date on blaming, well, I didn't know any better.(11:38) Fucking Google it.

Kevin Palmieri

(11:39) But how much of that is based on the fact that they believe they can do it? (11:43) The theme I see for every successful person is they have sometimes delusional self-belief. (11:49) Yeah, for sure.(11:50) It's like, I watched Kobe Bryant and they were like, talk about self-doubt. (11:55) And the second they ask it, it's like, he doesn't fucking know. (11:59) He doesn't know.(12:01) That interview was fascinating. (12:02) You think he's gonna give you some eloquent answer about, yeah, man, you know, some days when I wake up and my back's against the wall and I don't believe I can do any of it, I just tap into that mamba shit. (12:12) No.(12:13) No. (12:13) What did he say? (12:14) Do you remember?(12:15) Honestly, dude, I turned it off. (12:17) The second they asked the question, I was like, nah, no. (12:21) And that's an L on me.(12:22) I should've hung, for sure. (12:23) It was a social media clip and I was fucking, I shouldn't have been on social media, like, in fairness.

Alan Lazaros

(12:28) Well, let's, and we, I'm glad we did this because this whole podcast might as well be, hey, two people having a healthy, respectful debate about what it's like to succeed in a world with high self-belief and without. (12:46) I mean, that's a good way to sum up this podcast.

Kevin Palmieri

(12:49) I think the world rewards high self-belief way more than people understand. (12:54) The world rewards high self-belief. (12:59) You know any, any of your millionaire clients, how many of them don't believe in themselves?

Alan Lazaros

(13:10) One. (13:13) This is a weird question because I think none of them do. (13:16) Yeah, that's fair.(13:16) Because they all could up the ante. (13:18) I think they're, how many of them believe more in themselves than I do? (13:22) One of them has a ridiculously high self-belief.(13:24) I'll give them that. (13:25) But like the other ones, they need to fucking dial it up. (13:28) Let's fucking go.(13:28) Compared to what, though? (13:30) Like in a room of 100 people. (13:32) In a room of 100 people.(13:33) Oh yeah, top 10% for sure. (13:35) Right. (13:35) Of course.(13:36) There's something to that. (13:37) Random sample, not in a room with each other. (13:40) Right, right, right, right, right.(13:41) There's something to that. (13:44) It's like. (13:45) But here's the thing, and again, I wanna hear what you're gonna say.(13:49) But I'm talking about self-belief internally, so are you. (13:54) Like actual self-belief, not the inflated fake. (13:59) No, no, no, real.(14:00) How do you know, though? (14:01) Because remember when I had a client in the past and I said, I know you don't believe you can get to 127 pounds, because basically what happened is we lost like 25 pounds. (14:12) She, best shape of her life, and then she gained it all back later when we stopped working together.(14:17) We started working together again, and she was like demoralized as hell. (14:22) She's like, I'm never gonna get back there. (14:23) And I was like, of course you could, of course.(14:25) Of course you could. (14:26) I don't even think it'll be that hard. (14:28) I think I probably said that.(14:29) Yeah, probably. (14:29) It's just math. (14:31) But again, and discipline, and self-trust, and self-respect, and accountability, and, and, and, and, and, right?(14:37) And self-belief. (14:38) But I'm certain I could get you back there. (14:41) But can you just real quick, just for me selfishly, can you pretend like you really believe it and tell me?(14:47) And I was like, oh, you sound like me. (14:51) She's like, I think people think that you're full of it too. (14:56) She didn't actually believe it.(14:57) She was pretending to believe it. (14:58) I think people think that. (15:01) How do you tell the difference?(15:03) Because I don't say I can lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks and then like behind the scenes like, uh-oh, how am I gonna pull this off? (15:09) You know what I mean? (15:11) How do you know when someone actually means it?(15:14) I look at their results. (15:16) That doesn't do it because what I say now isn't gonna exist for another 10, 15, 20, 30, 40, 50 years.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:22) Yeah, but if I check in on you in a year and you're still doing it, it's like, all right, probably leaves it. (15:27) So annoying. (15:28) It's hard.(15:28) I don't know how to collapse it.

Alan Lazaros

(15:29) Yeah, what are you gonna wait a year to see if you trust me? (15:33) Imagine I pitch an investment account. (15:35) Hey, Kev, I'm gonna invest in XYZ company.(15:39) Do you want in? (15:41) And then a year later you find out, okay, maybe I should invest. (15:44) By then it's too late.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:45) You could have invested at the beginning, son. (15:46) But think about how many people wait a year. (15:48) It's the dumbest shit ever.(15:50) It's early adopters for a reason. (15:51) Like there's a reason it's a segmented, it's a segment of the population. (15:54) And a very fucking small, small segment of the population.(15:57) 3.5% early adopters. (15:59) And also the wording you used, I could get you there. (16:05) I could get you there.(16:07) Not you could do it on your own. (16:09) Well, she couldn't do it on her own. (16:11) Because she didn't believe it was possible.(16:13) No, because she doesn't have the skills or the competence or the understanding.

Alan Lazaros

(16:16) One of the reasons is because she doesn't believe she can do it. (16:18) It's this fucking cycle. (16:20) But it's not, she would believe she could do it if she had the skills.(16:24) But she needs to believe she can do it in order to get the skills. (16:26) I know, that's the problem. (16:27) It's like the gold rush.

Kevin Palmieri

(16:29) You gotta go, you gotta think there's gold and you gotta believe you can dig it up before you go buy that fucking shovel. (16:33) You're not just gonna go buy a shovel. (16:35) You gotta like, I'm gonna buy a shovel.(16:37) There's gold for sure. (16:38) I think there's gold. (16:38) I'm gonna go out there, I'm gonna fucking shovel it.(16:40) You know, if you get halfway there and you're like, honestly, I don't even know how to dig. (16:44) Ah, fuck it, I'm gonna go home. (16:45) I'm gonna turn this, I'll just ride this shovel back home.(16:47) So let's make this productive. (16:48) I know we gotta go.

Alan Lazaros

(16:53) Self-belief is the start. (16:57) I think self-belief has to be rooted in some reality. (17:01) Meaning, you actually know how to do it.(17:05) Everyone has things they believe they can do. (17:09) And then you go a little bit past what you believe you can do. (17:12) And then you start there.(17:15) And then your belief grows. (17:17) It has to always be that. (17:18) Is everyone out there watching or listening, if nothing else comes from this episode, set a goal that's a little bit beyond what you already know for sure you could do.(17:28) And for some people, that's gonna be, you know, climbing Mount Everest. (17:33) And for other people, that's gonna be 10 pounds in 10 weeks. (17:37) And for other people, it's gonna be two pounds in three months.(17:43) But in the personal development, professional development, self-improvement space, the top of every industry obviously has a ton of people with tons of self-belief. (17:54) Is that because they were born with self-belief or is it because they built it over time long enough to where they don't even know what it's like to not have it anymore? (18:04) And I think it's probably both.(18:07) But I think a lot of it is built. (18:10) It's self-efficacy. (18:11) You can look this up.(18:12) You build it from the inside out by keeping the small promises. (18:15) Like, how do you know when someone doesn't believe in themselves? (18:18) How can you tell?

Kevin Palmieri

(18:20) I don't know. (18:21) I don't have a, I can just tell. (18:23) I don't know.(18:24) If I could break it into a score, I would. (18:26) A lot of it's just intuition. (18:28) Because for you, you believe in yourself more than almost anybody else.(18:32) Everybody, it's gotta be massively confusing where there are some, you believe way more in yourself than I believe in myself. (18:40) So it shows me what that actually looks like. (18:43) You know what I mean?(18:44) I have a live example of what it looks like when somebody actually believes in themselves at level 10 out of 10. (18:50) So I can compare that to, I don't know, the wording that person used is not, I feel like they probably believe in themselves less than I do. (18:58) And based on what they're saying about their goals, I know that they don't know what that's actually gonna take, so they can't believe in themselves that much.(19:04) I don't know, that's my equation. (19:06) And I'm usually.

Alan Lazaros

(19:07) That's landing for me better than ever. (19:09) And I know we gotta go. (19:10) I'm usually unfortunately right.(19:12) For whatever reason. (19:12) Yeah, yeah, you've been more right than me on this, for sure. (19:14) I don't know why, it's just.(19:15) And the other thing is they're mirroring, I think whoever has the highest self-belief in the room, other people mirror that. (19:21) Because I think that's what everyone wants. (19:23) I think all leadership is usually, there aren't really a ton of non-confident leaders.(19:29) Some of them are just fake confident, unfortunately.

Kevin Palmieri

(19:32) At some point, maybe we'll do a part two. (19:34) We gotta get out of here. (19:34) Allen's Coaching, Next Level Fitness Accountability Group, reach out to us, we will take care of you on those fronts.(19:38) As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you. (19:41) If you are as committed as you say you are to getting to the next level, make sure you tune in tomorrow because we will be here every single day to help you get there.

Alan Lazaros

(19:47) Keep leveling up to reach your full potential. (19:49) Next Level Nation.

Kevin Palmieri

(19:51) Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. (19:55) We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

(19:57) We mean it when we say family. (19:59) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. (20:03) Everything you need to get ahold of us is in the show notes.(20:06) Thank you again, and we will talk to you tomorrow.