Without Ownership… You Can’t Win (2433)

The weight that makes you stronger.  In today’s episode, Kevin and Alan break down why ownership is one of the most important skills in personal development. Not blame. Not shame. The ability to look at your role clearly, take responsibility where it matters, and use that awareness to grow.

Kevin reflects on past relationship mistakes, while Alan draws from coaching clients through repeated patterns that keep showing up in their lives. Together, they explore self-awareness, emotional maturity, feedback, safe relationships, and the difference between a real obstacle and an excuse. If you want more control over your growth, this episode starts with the truth most people avoid.

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For more information, check out our website and socials using the links below. 👇

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Email:
Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
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LinkedIn:
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(2:16) Without ownership, you cannot win
(5:09) Ownership requires honest reflection
(7:36) Self-belief and ownership are connected
(12:21) Self-awareness comes before improvement
(13:05) Taking feedback without shame
(16:40) Safe relationships build honest ownership
(19:40) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) There was somebody in my life who gave me a very powerful quote. (0:05) I think it was from Tony Robbins and it wasn't you, somebody else. (0:07) They said, if you don't take ownership for something, you can't take control of fixing the thing, essentially.(0:16) So it was, if you give up ownership, you also give up responsibility. (0:19) And I think, I don't know if there's a better way to put it than that. (0:23) If you're giving up ownership, you're literally saying this is outside of my control and there's nothing I can do about it.(0:28) And it's going to be very hard to get to the next level, if that is the perspective you hold.

Alan Lazaros

(0:32) Yeah, it's very hard to tell the difference between someone pointing at something that needs to change an obstacle, a person, something in the way of their goals versus someone making excuses. (0:44) And we're going to talk about the difference between an excuse and pointing at something that's actually in the way that you can solve and take ownership for.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:54) Welcome to Next Level University. (0:57) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri. (0:58) And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazaros.(1:01) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven, but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

(1:08) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:14) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

(1:30) Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free. (1:37) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:42) Next Level Nation today for episode number 2,433. (1:47) Without ownership, you can't win. (1:49) I won't say I wish it wasn't that way, but I'm pretty sure it is that way.(1:53) It is my... (1:54) if you're listening to this, Monday is my seven-year anniversary of Taryn and I dating. (2:05) And for those who don't know, I knew Taryn before we started dating, because we dated a couple times prior, and I fucked it up all the other times.(2:13) Every time, I fucked it up. (2:15) Every time. (2:16) But eventually, it got to the point where I remember I asked Alan, I said, Hey man, you think I think I fucked that up?(2:21) And he said, Yeah, man. (2:23) Yeah, you fucked that up. (2:24) That was on you.(2:26) And then I took ownership for it. (2:28) And the simplest, simplest explanations, Taryn was just way more dialed in and way more educated and just way more of an adult human being than I was. (2:38) And I just couldn't, I could not handle it.(2:40) I was like, this, there's no way this is gonna work. (2:42) I'm like a child in comparison. (2:44) This is gonna be terrible.(2:45) So I ended up running away several times. (2:47) And, you know, then I was very, very lonely during this, this growth journey, trying to figure out this podcast thing. (2:53) And I was into self improvement, and I want to have deep conversations.(2:57) And I just couldn't find anybody who believed in me, believed in the mission. (3:03) And just, that seemed right. (3:07) I just couldn't find that person.(3:08) And I remember saying to my buddy, I said, Taryn would get me though, like Taryn would get this version of Kevin because she was that version of Taryn back then.

Alan Lazaros

(3:17) I don't know. (3:19) You said that to me seven years ago, because a week before you guys were going to get coffee again, and reconnect, and then you started dating after that, we were playing Call of Duty, you and I. (3:29) And you and I were talking about this.(3:32) And you, I said, how do you know that you should go back? (3:36) Like, how do you know that? (3:37) Because you said she would get me.(3:39) I remember that was your explanation. (3:41) Because she was a bad, it was a bad choice in the first place. (3:45) Agreed.(3:45) But how did, and I think at the time you said, she would get me. (3:50) I know that, Lance. (3:52) That was what the whole discussion was around.(3:54) And you said, I don't know, it's a feeling. (3:56) And back then I was like, what does that even mean, man? (3:59) Heart and head.(4:00) We just did an episode on it.

Kevin Palmieri

(4:01) I know. (4:01) It's like, what do you mean it's a feeling? (4:04) Based on the conversations that we had had, and you know, the quotes that she had shared, it was just like, oh yeah, you're just somebody who is way more focused on depth as opposed to surface level conversations.(4:21) That's like what I'm building a career on. (4:22) I'm building a career on. (4:24) Hyperconscious.(4:25) Hyperconscious. (4:25) Having conversations that are of depth. (4:27) So it was that.(4:28) It was that, I would say. (4:29) I know that you value deep conversations. (4:33) I'm trying to build a career on deep conversations, so you'll get it.(4:37) And if anybody's going to get it, it'll be you for sure. (4:40) Because everybody else was like, that's cute. (4:42) It's like, that's cute.(4:42) You're going to do this podcast thing. (4:44) You know? (4:45) But she knew me before.(4:46) That was the other piece too. (4:47) Because I know she would see the evolution, quote unquote. (4:51) But without me saying, yes, I screwed this up.(4:54) Yes, I have to take ownership for this. (4:57) Yes, that was my mistake. (4:59) Yes, it was short-sighted.(5:01) All of those things, this never would have happened. (5:04) And you and I were talking before we decided to record this episode. (5:09) And I think one of the hardest parts about ownership is it's really hard to take it in the moment, because I think ownership comes from reflection.(5:18) When I tell my story on other podcasts, I talk about how my partner left me, pre-Taryn, my partner left me. (5:28) And eventually it got to the point where I realized, well, I'm 50% of all the failed relationships that I've had. (5:33) And people will say, well, that was really mature of you.(5:35) That didn't happen immediately. (5:37) No, no. (5:37) I didn't take ownership immediately.(5:39) That took a year. (5:41) I wish I could have taken ownership immediately, but I don't think I was mature enough or developed enough or whatever. (5:48) I think it comes in time.

Alan Lazaros

(5:50) Two things. (5:51) One, we were in the car, post-gym, going to Chipotle. (5:58) And you told me the story about Taryn.(6:00) This is right before we partnered up. (6:06) Not right before, but a few months before. (6:10) And this is pre-Hyperconscious podcast, pre-March of 2017.(6:15) And I was in New Hampshire. (6:16) We went to that gym. (6:18) It was a huge gym, a long corridor, and there's a back room and then a backpack room.(6:23) You know what I'm talking about? (6:24) Pretty sure that's a gym I still work out at. (6:28) Seriously?(6:29) Probably. (6:29) It was legit. (6:30) Wicked high ceilings.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:32) Yeah, yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(6:32) Basketball court.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:35) Yeah. (6:36) If I would've taken you to any gym, it would've been this one.

Alan Lazaros

(6:40) Nice. (6:40) We were in the Subaru WRX. (6:42) I remember that.(6:45) And you basically said, do you think that I closed the door on that too quickly? (6:51) And I said, first in my head, I said, yeah, without a doubt. (6:55) And then I'm like, I want to share that with him.(6:58) And then I said, yeah, it does sound like you did. (7:01) You definitely did close the door too quickly. (7:04) And then a couple of years later, I think she had had a partner between then and you weren't sure if they had broken up or something.(7:11) And then you reached out and got coffee. (7:14) I wanted to reach out previously.

Kevin Palmieri

(7:15) And then I saw that she had a partner. (7:17) I was like, okay, well, we're not going to do that.

Alan Lazaros

(7:19) Yeah. (7:19) And then we were playing Call of Duty. (7:21) And I think it was like a day or two before you were supposed to get coffee.(7:25) And I said, how do you know? (7:27) And you said, it's just a feeling. (7:28) And I like was prodding you of like, what do you mean?(7:31) It's just a feeling. (7:32) So now I finally got the answer, which is great. (7:34) I'm being playful with that.(7:36) The second thing is self-belief and ownership and how they're connected. (7:39) So first of all, if you didn't own that, you screwed that up. (7:46) You could not be married to Taryn.(7:49) Now, why? (7:51) Let's go into why. (7:52) Because if you don't own that, you screwed it up.(7:55) Then you never admit that that feeling is rare. (8:00) And if you never admit that feeling is rare, you never reach back out. (8:03) And if you never reach back out, it's over.(8:06) That's the end right there. (8:07) And then, and then you go through the rest of your life with what if, and this is the thing that I think needs to land. (8:15) I would rather try and fail than live a life of what if, but I didn't realize that some people don't have what if.(8:22) Let me explain. (8:23) I have a client who was dating someone for six months. (8:27) And in my honest opinion, genuinely just high value man, high value woman, blah, blah, blah.(8:33) Not a chance this dude ever gets anyone even close in my honest opinion to this client. (8:38) That's my truth. (8:39) Again, he's different than me, so I get it.(8:41) But not everyone is created completely the same. (8:45) There are high value men and women out there and they're rare. (8:49) They're really rare.(8:50) Self-aware, nurturing, communications excellent, vulnerability, humility, courage, achiever, habits, getting better, personal development, self-improvement, personal growth, emotional intelligence, actual IQ. (9:08) Nobody wants to date someone who's low value. (9:12) No one wants to live in a shack.(9:14) You want to live in a mansion. (9:15) You want to date a mansion, right? (9:16) That's a metaphor, but I think it's valuable.(9:19) So, and by the way, I'd rather live in a shack with Emilia than live in a mansion with some of the girls I dated. (9:24) Holy shit. (9:26) Oh my God.(9:27) And that's on me. (9:28) But the truth of the matter is, is this guy is never going to get anything close in my honest opinion unless something changes, which I don't think it will because I think he's got his head up his ass. (9:38) That's my truth.(9:39) Now that said, what's my point of that? (9:42) I actually think some people don't have what if, because I asked her, I said, do you think he'll ever reach back out and say, sorry? (9:49) And she said, no, I don't think he even knows what he had.(9:53) And I said, that's so interesting because if you're not aware, you don't actually know what you had. (10:00) And so with you and Taryn, you weren't aware enough to really know. (10:05) I don't know.(10:05) I think I was. (10:06) No, no.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:06) I was so aware that I didn't think I could handle it. (10:10) Okay. (10:10) That's not the case with this guy.

Alan Lazaros

(10:12) He was genuinely just had no clue. (10:14) Like I didn't think I was ready. (10:16) I was a coach for 11 years, men and women.(10:18) Like you can always tell when, when you meet someone, I think this is a great frame. (10:25) Do you think their partner is lucky or do you think like, oh, their poor partner, you meet a dingus and it's like, oh, your poor wife, your poor wife. (10:36) Someone needs to go give her a medal and tell her to leave.(10:38) Like, I can't even believe you have a wife like her. (10:44) She's so and vice versa to vice versa to like, oh, your poor husband. (10:48) Right.(10:48) Of course. (10:49) Anyways, my point is if you don't understand this, how are you going to take ownership for something? (10:57) You don't even know was you, this guy has no clue that he was the reason it ended.(11:03) He has no clue. (11:03) He still thinks it's her. (11:05) He thinks it's all her fault.(11:06) I saw the message, whatever. (11:08) And, and I do relationship talks, coaching people. (11:10) I coach couples and singles in relationships.(11:13) Okay. (11:13) So I'm not like, I just want it that known, you know? (11:18) Um, because it's like, why do you know all this stuff?(11:20) Because I coach relationship talks coaching. (11:21) It's literally called relationship talks coaching. (11:23) So I coach couples and singles, but when you coach couples and singles for the last six years, dozens, if not hundreds of people, you see patterns.(11:32) And a lot of times guys will leave a relationship and girls too, but I'm thinking of this guy and he has no clue that he was the issue. (11:41) Couldn't go deep to save his life. (11:43) Couldn't go near any vulnerability whatsoever.(11:47) Emotionally unavailable, completely emotionally unavailable and has no clue that anytime she ever tried to actually have a deep conversation, he avoided it and made a joke. (11:57) And so there was no depth whatsoever. (11:59) And he'll spend the rest of his life potentially saying, wow, she was crazy or she was whatever.(12:06) And he'll never take ownership. (12:08) And if he doesn't take ownership, he can't change. (12:13) He can't transform.(12:14) He can't solve it. (12:16) Why would you work on something that you don't take ownership for? (12:19) You wouldn't.(12:21) You can't. (12:22) The first step to becoming humble is saying, wow, I think I might be arrogant. (12:26) The first step to getting hardworking is going, wow, I think I'm might be lazy.(12:31) The first step to being a better partner is saying, wow, maybe I'm not that thoughtful. (12:36) And then you go to work on it. (12:38) And self-awareness is the first step to all self-improvement.(12:42) And unfortunately, if you don't, I think it's self-awareness, then it's self-acceptance, which is ownership and then self-improvement. (12:50) How do you know what to work on if you don't own it? (12:54) You know, the beautiful thing about this, I was just thinking about this.

Kevin Palmieri

(12:57) I have gotten so much feedback over the last nine years from clients. (13:05) And I mean, I take ownership for everything, like everything. (13:10) It's, this is on me.(13:11) This is on me. (13:12) I literally, every time it's like, yep, this is on me, my fault. (13:15) I'll fix it.(13:17) And in the beginning, it was way worse than it is now. (13:20) Like I couldn't handle it because I think I automatically, it automatically meant this is, there's something wrong with me personally. (13:28) Remember how we were talking about guilt, shame versus, I think that's it because I would feel ashamed of myself for getting the feedback that something wasn't up to standard or whatever.(13:39) Insert example here.

Alan Lazaros

(13:41) There's something to that. (13:42) Why has that changed? (13:44) Because I think that's one of the reasons people struggle with ownership is for some reason admitting like, I know if I did something stupid, I'll say, yeah, I was, I was an idiot.

Kevin Palmieri

(13:54) I was a total idiot. (13:55) I think so many people are, they're concerned about what, how other people will look at them. (14:02) Okay.(14:02) But why? (14:04) It's hyper illogical because when you admit it, the fear is like, ah, that person's going to know I fucked up and that I know I fucked up. (14:12) And now what is that?(14:14) They're going to think I'm going to fuck up again. (14:17) It's, I think it's all just hyper illogical and super emotional because if you admit it, then it makes it real in your mind.

Alan Lazaros

(14:25) It's already real, but like, you know what I mean? (14:28) Yeah. (14:28) A hundred percent.(14:29) And you're gonna, if you don't have belief that you can change it, there's not a lot of benefits ownership. (14:34) So one of the things I realized there's someone very close to me who I, who I care for deeply and uh, she can't admit her own failures, cannot. (14:48) And because of this, I've had to distance myself because if you can't admit any of your failures, you can't improve all improvement is predicated on.(14:58) Yeah. (14:58) That was that. (14:59) Hey, that was fucking stupid.(15:03) Okay. (15:03) You know that thing that was a humdinger, wasn't it? (15:06) Like, and then you just go get better.(15:08) Now. (15:09) I know that sounds really easy. (15:13) I think that if you don't believe unconsciously and subconsciously in your ability to change something internal or external, I feel like won't take ownership because it's just pain and shame at that point, because the benefit of ownership, it hurts in the moment, but then there's a upside.(15:33) There's a huge upside to ownership, which is okay. (15:36) Yeah. (15:36) I used to embellish a bit.(15:38) Okay. (15:38) Well now I'm going to embellish less. (15:40) You, you just kind of have to, okay.(15:42) Yeah. (15:42) I used to drink too much and too often. (15:44) Like, okay, now I can change that.(15:45) It's the people who deny they have a problem that never solved the problem.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:50) We're going to do, we're doing an episode on this tomorrow. (15:52) It's nice how these episodes connect. (15:53) It also depends on who you're taking ownership in front of, because one of the reasons some people don't want to take ownership is they know people is going to use that.(16:00) Uh, they know people will use that against them in the future.

Alan Lazaros

(16:03) That's another naive to that. (16:05) Of course.

Kevin Palmieri

(16:05) I was, I wasn't, I wasn't, it was like, no, I'll take an ownership for that. (16:09) You're going to shit on me with the rest of my life. (16:11) I'm going to pretend that never happened.(16:12) Thank you. (16:14) Now, again, I had really, I was surrounded by really good people. (16:17) So that, that wasn't really my thought process.

Alan Lazaros

(16:19) But, and you also knew that they would look at you differently. (16:23) Yes. (16:23) To me, it's a cred build when someone takes ownership.

Kevin Palmieri

(16:26) I know that now. (16:28) And that's the type of people you want in your life anyway. (16:30) Yeah, of course.(16:31) But at the time we'll pretend all of us are perfect. (16:35) It's the dumbest shit ever. (16:36) Honestly, it's like, feel like you don't belong.(16:38) You feel like you can get exiled from the Island.

Alan Lazaros

(16:40) Like it's just that if you're in a friend group where ownership is not encouraged, you, you are in trouble. (16:48) You're Jeff. (16:48) You're in trouble.(16:49) That, that was true for companies too. (16:51) Like Ray Dalio wrote a book called principles and he, he's one of the most successful people on earth. (16:57) And from my current awareness of his biography, he actually built it from scratch.(17:02) And again, at the end of the day, I don't know the man. (17:06) Okay. (17:06) But my point is, is like, he talks about this in his book.(17:09) He says, we have a principle of ownership, extreme ownership. (17:13) Like we don't care. (17:14) Who's right.(17:15) We care about accuracy. (17:17) We want to find out who's accurate by getting all the perspectives, getting all the feedback. (17:23) Emilio and I call it the truth ball.(17:25) Kevin puts his balls in the trough. (17:27) I put my balls in the trough and then we spin it up. (17:30) And then the truth ball comes out.(17:31) We do that on this episode all the time. (17:33) It's like, there's two ways we could do this podcast. (17:37) I know we've got to go in a second.(17:38) We could say I'm right. (17:40) And Kevin's wrong.

Kevin Palmieri

(17:42) Kevin's right.

Alan Lazaros

(17:42) And I'm wrong. (17:43) Or we can have Kevin give his perspective. (17:46) I give my perspective and then all of us get smarter and the whole get is greater than the sum of its parts.(17:51) Because the only way to see a 360 degree view of something is to see it from all the different angles and you see things differently than I do and vice versa. (18:00) And I, I think that one of the reasons this podcast has helped you and I grow so much is because we've had so many meaningful conversations about topics that matter in an effort to help people. (18:10) And they helped us a ton.(18:12) For sure. (18:13) Because I didn't know the self-belief thing and you didn't know, you know, certain things. (18:17) So it's, if ownership is not encouraged in your peer group, that is definitely a red flag.

Kevin Palmieri

(18:26) I'd say 70% of the time I'm right. (18:29) Give or take 30% of the time you win. (18:34) Maybe, maybe 80-20 me.(18:36) I don't know. (18:36) It's heavy me. (18:37) 80-20 me.(18:39) I 90-10 me. (18:40) Seriously doubt that. (18:43) But that is, and that's important because we're going to talk about community in the next episode.(18:47) But yeah, if you're around people who you do not feel safe taking ownership with, good luck. (18:52) Good luck. (18:54) Good luck.(18:55) You know how many times I've like said to Taryn, like that's on me. (18:58) I literally said that the other day. (19:00) I said, don't try to save me from this.(19:01) This is on me. (19:01) I don't want you to come to my end. (19:03) This is on me.(19:04) This is a me thing. (19:04) This is not a you thing. (19:06) Please do not come to my end on this.(19:09) And she's never used that against me though.

Alan Lazaros

(19:12) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(19:12) She doesn't want to see you hurt, but she also knows that you're supposed to when you... (19:17) Don't save me from this. (19:18) That's like one of my things I say.(19:20) Don't save me from this. (19:20) This is on me. (19:21) All right.(19:21) We got to go. (19:22) We got to go. (19:22) If you are somebody who wants to take more ownership for your own fucking success, and you know you need a coach, reach out to Alan.(19:28) If you want to ownership for your fitness, maybe for the first time in a long time, maybe for the first time ever, maybe you just got into it and you want to create some exponential results. (19:37) We have the Next Level Fitness Accountability Group. (19:38) Reach out to Alan and or myself and we will let you in.(19:41) As always, we love you. (19:42) We appreciate you. (19:42) Grateful for each and every one of you.(19:44) And if you are as committed as you say you are to getting to the next level, make sure you tune in tomorrow because we will be here every single day to help you get there.

Alan Lazaros

(19:50) Keep leveling up to reach your full potential. (19:53) Next Level Nation.

Kevin Palmieri

(19:55) Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. (19:59) We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

(20:01) We mean it when we say family. (20:03) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. (20:07) Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.(20:10) Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.