Where Do Identity Crises Come From? (2448)

When success starts feeling unfamiliar. In this episode, Kevin and Alan examine why identity crises often happen when growth starts to challenge the version of yourself you have been living from. Progress can expose the gap between who you thought you were and who your results now require you to become. This episode breaks down self-belief, imposter patterns, confidence, long-term consistency, and the pressure that comes with stepping into bigger opportunities. It also challenges the idea that discomfort always means you are failing. Sometimes it means your identity is being forced to catch up.

If your life is changing faster than your self-image, this episode will help you make sense of the tension. Press play before your old identity tries to negotiate a comeback.

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For more information, check out our website and socials using the links below. 👇

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Show notes:
(2:08) Where identity crises come from
(4:45) When results challenge self-image
(6:04) The pressure of new opportunities
(8:17) Learning how to handle confidence
(10:32) The compound effect of growth
(16:34) When success feels unfamiliar
(18:25) Imposter circle versus growth circle
(20:09) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) I was laying in bed last night and I said, I think I am in the midst of having an identity crisis. (0:07) It's been a while, but probably not. (0:09) It's probably been like two weeks.(0:10) And I'm always trying to figure out what's the root cause of this. (0:13) Why? (0:13) Why am I having an identity crisis?(0:15) What has happened? (0:16) What has changed? (0:16) What has evolved?(0:17) And I felt like that could be a cool conversation. (0:19) Where did these things come from in the first place?

Alan Lazaros

(0:22) Identity crisis. (0:25) Opportunity to transform. (0:26) Opportunity to grow.(0:27) I actually don't think that you can achieve your goals and dreams without having these.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:33) Welcome to Next Level University. (0:35) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri. (0:37) And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.(0:40) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven, but no-BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

(0:47) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:53) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

(1:09) Self-improvement, in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free. (1:16) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:21) Next Level Nation, today for episode number 2,448. (1:25) Where do identity crises come from? (1:28) I've got to figure out how to spell that for the title, but crises is the word that we're going to use.(1:33) So yeah, I was laying in bed last night, getting ready for bed. (1:35) And I had taken an edible, a marijuana edible, and I get some of my best thoughts after that. (1:42) And I was like, I don't know, I'm just in a weird place.(1:48) I'm in a weird place where I'm coaching way more now at way higher stakes than I've ever done with clients. (1:55) And I like it more than I ever have, so what does that mean about me? (2:01) And I'm just like, there's so many...

Alan Lazaros

(2:04) You're running.

Kevin Palmieri

(2:04) I'm doing, I'm running, yeah, I'm running now, which is weird. (2:08) I'm doing so many things that like five, not five years ago, three years ago, what broke me every day, I'm doing now, and it's like relatively easy. (2:18) That's very weird for me.

Alan Lazaros

(2:20) That's very strange. (2:22) Here's another one too. (2:23) You're feeling smarter than people.(2:25) I know you don't say that out loud because you don't want people to hate you. (2:28) I don't know if it's, well, I think that and... (2:33) I've noticed.(2:34) I've witnessed you being like, what?

Kevin Palmieri

(2:37) Am I the smartest one in the room? (2:39) There's also the piece of...

Alan Lazaros

(2:42) Because at one point, did you know... (2:44) There was one point in your life, sorry to interrupt you. (2:46) There was one point in your life where you felt like the dumbest in the room.

Kevin Palmieri

(2:49) Almost always.

Alan Lazaros

(2:50) Okay, and now it's like, what the hell? (2:52) So I looked this up. (2:53) An identity crisis is a period of uncertainty or confusion about who you are, what you value, what your purpose is, or how you fit into the world.(3:00) Who am I really? (3:00) What do I actually want? (3:02) What do I believe?(3:02) Am I living authentically? (3:03) Am I as jacked as Alan? (3:05) Absolutely not.(3:06) What should I do with my life? (3:08) Definitely more jacked.

Kevin Palmieri

(3:10) I'm surprised... (3:11) My brother-in-law? (3:11) My brother-in-law, Timbo?(3:13) They didn't know that, obviously.

Alan Lazaros

(3:16) When you said in the opening that you had an identity crisis, I was going to say this, but I didn't. (3:20) Now I have to. (3:22) Is it because I said you were smaller in person than I thought?

Kevin Palmieri

(3:26) That definitely didn't help.

Alan Lazaros

(3:27) I literally woke up last night. (3:29) I was listening to a book. (3:31) I couldn't sleep.(3:31) And I was thinking, I was kind of mean, huh? (3:34) I probably should have said that.

Kevin Palmieri

(3:35) No, no, no.

Alan Lazaros

(3:36) It's because you look more jacked on camera because you're lean.

Kevin Palmieri

(3:39) It motivates me.

Alan Lazaros

(3:41) I was like, all right, I'll show you what I'm going to see.

Kevin Palmieri

(3:42) Next Level Hope Foundation? (3:43) I was expecting you to be bigger because you look bigger in pictures. (3:46) Yeah, yeah.(3:47) Well, you can only lose so much weight and still look jacked in person, right? (3:52) You were lean on camera. (3:53) It doesn't matter.(3:53) It's different. (3:55) This is another thing. (3:57) My brother-in-law, Tim, ran a marathon recently.(3:59) And we went. (4:00) We went to support him. (4:03) 26 miler.(4:04) 26.2. Crushed it. (4:06) Great work. (4:06) Crushed it.(4:07) And I was like, I'll do that. (4:12) I'm going to run a marathon. (4:15) It started with them saying, hey, Kev, you should run a marathon.(4:19) And for the first time in my life, I was like, yeah, I could if I wanted to. (4:22) I don't fucking want to dedicate X amount of months to this. (4:25) No, I don't think I want to do that.

Alan Lazaros

(4:26) This is because you have a ton of belief. (4:27) I have more belief now. (4:28) That's what this is.(4:29) I think that's a big piece of it. (4:32) Dude, everything becomes an option. (4:33) Isn't it hard?(4:35) That's something.

Kevin Palmieri

(4:36) That's something for sure. (4:38) But I think, OK, I want to get to the root of what we're going to talk about. (4:41) And maybe we'll end up doing a part two of this if we don't have the time, but we'll see.(4:45) One thing is you have an identity crisis when you start getting results in your life by choice that you didn't think you could based on who you thought you were. (4:56) That's one. (4:56) The other thing, too, this is extremely weird.(5:01) One of our clients runs ads on a local radio station that I have. (5:05) I used to listen to this. (5:07) I've been listening to this radio station for years.(5:10) How many years? (5:11) To the point. (5:12) Oh, my gosh.(5:13) 20 years? (5:14) No, not 20 years. (5:15) 15?(5:17) At least 10. (5:19) Nice. (5:20) At least 10 years.(5:22) I went to this company the first time I met the person and worked with them. (5:26) On the ride home, I was listening to this radio station and I heard their advertisement. (5:30) I was like, holy shit, I just left that place.(5:31) They're advertising on the radio? (5:33) That's incredible. (5:34) What are the odds of that?(5:36) I'm connected with one of the people that is in charge of the ads for this radio station. (5:41) And he emails me and says, hey, I want to get you on camera to run these commercials on Amazon and stuff. (5:47) It's like, OK, whatever.(5:49) So we record them. (5:51) And he's like, yeah, I would like you to do more of this for other people, too. (5:54) And it's like, OK.(5:57) All right, what does that mean? (5:59) A lot of opportunities that I never thought I would get. (6:02) So that's another thing, too.(6:04) And you kind of have to believe in yourself when you start getting these opportunities. (6:07) Because if you don't, you get eaten alive by the opportunity.

Alan Lazaros

(6:12) Don't you think that's why some people ego up? (6:14) It's because they got opportunities and they have to ego up in order to keep them or something? (6:18) Understandable.(6:18) How have you not egoed up in that?

Kevin Palmieri

(6:20) I'm deathly afraid of failure. (6:23) Yeah, you can't fake that. (6:25) What?(6:25) You can't out-ego the fear of failure.

Alan Lazaros

(6:29) I think you can. (6:29) You used to do it well. (6:31) No, I was.(6:31) In your first speech, you acted confident.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:34) But it wasn't ego. (6:35) It was, dude, I prepped. (6:37) No, that was prep.(6:39) Well, maybe. (6:40) Maybe. (6:41) It wasn't intentional.

Alan Lazaros

(6:42) The first episode we did together, Welcome to the Mother F-ing, you were so scared, man.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:46) Yeah, I was super scared. (6:47) Yeah. (6:48) But that was ego.(6:48) I didn't. (6:49) I didn't overcome it. (6:51) That was ego.(6:52) It just wasn't toxic ego. (6:53) It was more whatever. (6:56) So it's not, I don't know, over time I think I've learned me going in feeling too good about it has never really served me.(7:07) And now I still try to make sure I go in with like a level head and a, hey, you gotta come correct. (7:13) You can't just f-ing show up here. (7:14) You gotta come correct and make sure that, you know, like you showing up.

Alan Lazaros

(7:19) We talked about reliability and talent.

Kevin Palmieri

(7:20) Yeah, right? (7:21) You gotta be reliable. (7:21) You showing up and just showing up should and will never be enough.(7:26) And that's a good thing. (7:27) That's not what we're aspiring to. (7:28) We're not aspiring to, yeah, all I have to do is show up.(7:31) No, no, no, that's not what we're aspiring to. (7:33) That's not the goal. (7:34) That's not the result we're aiming for.(7:35) That's not what we want. (7:36) You think you'll ever get to a point where showing up is enough? (7:41) I think I am.(7:43) But I can't let myself think that. (7:46) Why? (7:47) I think that's dangerous.(7:49) Yeah, I show up to this. (7:52) And I think it goes well. (7:53) If you're watching or listening, you might f-ing hate me.(7:55) And you might think this is the worst thing ever. (7:56) I don't know. (7:58) If that's the case, then there are many podcasts out there for you.(8:02) But yeah. (8:03) But you wouldn't know if I didn't eat prep before this episode. (8:07) I'd show up for sure.(8:09) I'm genuinely joking. (8:11) I don't know. (8:12) I think that's all part of this.(8:17) Confidence is a tool that if you've never had before, you do not know how to use. (8:21) It's like a nail gun. (8:23) You're just shooting nails all over the place and you don't know what the hell is going on.(8:26) When you're used to using a hammer, then you get a nail gun.

Alan Lazaros

(8:29) I feel more, I have this star of belonging I am using. (8:35) I was thinking about it last night. (8:38) So it's brand new.(8:38) But it's seen, understood, appreciated, valued. (8:50) Seen, understood, appreciated, valued, celebrated. (8:55) Yeah.(8:56) Star of belonging. (8:58) Star of belonging. (9:00) Do you feel seen, understood, appreciated, valued, and celebrated?(9:03) And if the answer is no with your intimate partner, rut row. (9:07) But, and I definitely didn't with certain people. (9:10) But I feel that every time you have more belief.(9:14) It like increases every time your belief goes up. (9:17) It's like that's exactly what I think. (9:19) Your belonging?(9:20) Dude, am I going to run a marathon? (9:23) It's like you could. (9:24) Is that the first time you've realized that you could?

Kevin Palmieri

(9:26) Of course you could. (9:28) I don't know if it's, you know, here's the thing though. (9:29) I don't know if it's because I have more belief or because I saw it up close for the first time.

Alan Lazaros

(9:34) It's probably both. (9:35) Yeah, you increase your awareness of what it would take. (9:37) Someone also did it who you think is less athletic than you.

Kevin Palmieri

(9:41) I did think until I saw their commitment. (9:46) They're very, they're very athletic for sure.

Alan Lazaros

(9:49) What does that mean? (9:50) What do you mean?

Kevin Palmieri

(9:55) They're definitely better at running than I am. (9:57) Currently. (9:57) Currently, yeah.(9:58) But you, you get good pretty fast. (10:02) Well, that's the thing too. (10:04) That's how I feel about normal things though.(10:07) I went for a run the other day. (10:08) It was much better. (10:09) I was on pace for a nice 10 minute mile.(10:11) I was like, all right, this is fucking not terrible. (10:12) Yeah, nice. (10:13) This is not terrible.(10:14) Nice. (10:15) I didn't stretch at all. (10:16) I just literally threw my shorts on, took my shirt off, put my AirPods in.(10:19) I'm like, I'm going to go for a run and see what happens. (10:21) Cool. (10:22) And again, that's not great.(10:23) I'm not winning any marathons anytime soon, right? (10:26) It's actually pretty pitiful, but. (10:28) Yeah, it's not good.

Alan Lazaros

(10:29) Yeah. (10:30) But like compared to what I, compared to what I thought it was going to be, right? (10:32) I think the belief, a lot of your belief is coming from the compound effect.(10:36) You just realize how much better you get at things over time. (10:39) Like when I first started running 83 days ago, you know, a seven minute mile was very, very, very, I would have to put it all out and like not do anything else athletic that day. (10:50) And now I can do that pretty easily.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:54) Seven minute mile.

Alan Lazaros

(10:55) I think it's still, it's still, when I say easily, it's still going to hurt. (10:59) It's going to hurt for sure.

Kevin Palmieri

(11:00) Yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(11:00) The treadmill is easier than, um, that's what I've found. (11:03) The treadmill is way easier because there's no hills and there's no obstacles. (11:08) Yeah, exactly.(11:09) Just don't fall off the treadmill. (11:11) Exactly. (11:11) That's exactly the goal.(11:13) Just don't fall off.

Kevin Palmieri

(11:14) But you have to hammer that thing up to 8.5. We're going to end up doing a part two of this. (11:17) Okay. (11:17) So we have five minutes.(11:19) Yeah. (11:20) Yeah. (11:20) But I want to talk about like where it comes from.(11:22) I want to really dissect this bad memory.

Alan Lazaros

(11:23) So you have an, you're having an identity. (11:25) Okay. (11:25) Remember when I told you way back that I didn't feel like me that, that week that I was insecure with my ex.(11:32) That's an identity crisis for me where I was like, Oh my God, am I doubting myself? (11:38) Oh my God. (11:39) What the fuck is this?(11:40) This is the worst. (11:42) I, uh, speaking of marathons, I said this many times, but I know we have new listeners. (11:49) I did a marathon on three days notice cause I wanted a challenge.(11:52) It was reckless, whatever. (11:54) The night before I had an identity crisis because I was, my groin was really hurting and I was like, am I going to be able to fucking do this? (12:08) And I'm reluctant to share this because it might feel invalidating for people who don't have a lot of high self belief.(12:18) I very rarely feel that way. (12:21) I, uh, I have a client who was trying to do something recently and I'm very excited about it for him cause he, uh, something, uh, a potential dream partner of his, uh, is back in his life based on the work we've done and the work he's done. (12:36) It's, it's really cool.(12:38) But some of the stuff that he's working on, I mastered when I was like 13, you know, it's, it's just, God, I sound like such a prick sometimes. (12:48) I just, there's 11, there's like skills and sub skills like making hard things look easy. (12:54) There's something that he did yesterday live on the coaching session that I, I could do like, it took him a half hour.(13:01) I could do that in fucking 30 seconds. (13:04) Why? (13:05) Um, I played video games my entire life.(13:08) I built my first computer when I was 12. (13:09) I, I, I'm a, I'm a try hard. (13:11) I like put effort, I put max effort into fucking everything.(13:15) It's like, and when you do that long enough, my point of this isn't to talk about me. (13:19) When you do that long enough, you become really good at shit. (13:22) Like seriously, you get really good at things.(13:25) I was running with Emilia earlier. (13:26) I've been running every day for 83 days. (13:28) I'm also 6'2".(13:29) Like it's different. (13:30) I'm like, wow, you're fucking slow. (13:32) It's not her fault.(13:33) She's just not, but in the gym, she's strong as hell. (13:37) She's super strong. (13:38) She's like built for strength.(13:40) That's a strength of hers is strength. (13:42) Oh, strength of mine is running. (13:46) I just, I think everyone underestimates what they are capable of long-term.(13:50) I do. (13:51) The compound effect of little improvements. (13:54) It is your, here you are nine years in dude.(13:57) You haven't, what is it going to be like in another nine? (13:59) I think that's what, that's the piece of it too is like, what else can I do?

Kevin Palmieri

(14:05) What else can I do? (14:06) Isn't that great? (14:07) Nine year, this is drastically different than I thought it would be.(14:09) So like what, I have no idea what the future is going to look like. (14:13) No idea. (14:14) More of an idea than before though.(14:16) I know less probably. (14:17) Somehow less. (14:18) Yeah.(14:18) Somehow less. (14:19) Because I, this is way further than I thought. (14:21) So it's like, what does that, what does that mean?(14:25) Man, I wish I could trade places for a day. (14:27) I really do. (14:28) No, you don't.(14:28) No, no. (14:29) You would, you would fucking want to go home. (14:30) So the second you open the door, you'd be like, it doesn't look nice in there.(14:33) I'm going to, I got to take off.

Alan Lazaros

(14:34) I got to fucking take off. (14:35) I just wish I understood. (14:40) You know that saying the world is your oyster.

Kevin Palmieri

(14:42) I hate it. (14:43) I don't understand it. (14:43) It's dumb.(14:44) I don't get it.

Alan Lazaros

(14:44) Oh my God. (14:46) I've, I've heard this. (14:47) And I've said it before.(14:48) I've lived by that my whole life.

Kevin Palmieri

(14:49) No.

Alan Lazaros

(14:50) I've said it before. (14:51) If you're not first, you're last. (14:52) I've lived by that my whole life, Dan.

Kevin Palmieri

(14:54) Does that mean you're the pearl? (14:56) Does that mean you're the, like, what do you mean the world is your oyster? (14:58) Because you're the pearl?

Alan Lazaros

(14:59) It means, I don't know. (15:01) It means nobody knows. (15:03) I remember someone came up to me at the golf course I worked at when I was 15.(15:06) He's like, you got the world by the balls, man. (15:08) Golf stories, I love it. (15:09) Yeah.(15:10) And golf courses are not my, I'm not a fan. (15:13) But like, he's like, you got life by the balls. (15:15) Don't forget that.(15:16) And I remember thinking like, fuck yeah. (15:18) Of course I do. (15:18) Let's go, baby.(15:19) I, to me, there's so much possibility. (15:24) I can't even with, people are so doubtful. (15:29) And like, you got to read books and listen to things that expand what is possible for you.(15:39) Like, no, you're not going to run a five minute mile. (15:42) Okay. (15:42) But that doesn't mean you can't run a fucking 10.(15:45) I just don't, I get so frustrated. (15:47) I do like, I see so few people really reaching their limits. (15:53) Nobody, almost no one.(15:55) I was in book club once. (15:56) I was like yelling at everybody. (15:57) I was like, none of us are maxed out.(15:59) Not a fucking one of you is maxed out. (16:01) If any of you think you're maxed out, I'm going to call you a liar to your face. (16:04) You yelling?(16:05) Of course. (16:06) Dude, are you maxed out? (16:08) Fuck no.(16:09) Not even close, right? (16:10) Dude. (16:11) And you're still like, whoa.(16:14) I feel like I'm capable of so many things. (16:17) Like, dude, imagine what that's going to be in another decade. (16:19) So the point of this identity crisis, I have identity crises when I don't believe.(16:25) When I have self-doubt, it's like, what the fuck is this? (16:28) This is terrible. (16:30) You have an identity crisis when you believe in yourself more.(16:32) It's like, dude, that's interesting.

Kevin Palmieri

(16:34) Well, isn't it just like things are going, things are just very different than you're used to. (16:39) That's pretty much it. (16:40) Like, that's, if you are having some sort of result that is wildly unexpected and you can't fathom how it happened, you're probably having an identity crisis.

Alan Lazaros

(16:49) Yeah. (16:49) It's almost like your external and your internal are not fully aligned anymore. (16:53) You're outside your comfort zone in the success way, which is way better than the alternative.(16:59) So there are certain things that I'm outside my comfort zone in. (17:02) Like, I'm going to have in-laws and I have like a family now and I'm 38 about to be. (17:13) And I'm, I don't know.(17:17) It's just weird. (17:18) I have like nice things and I don't have to worry about money like I used to. (17:23) And I can like afford a potential million dollar home and it's just weird.(17:29) Because I grew up very different than this. (17:32) Like, I have like nice gear and I like can buy new shoes. (17:38) You know, it's just weird because I just was so used to like hand-me-downs and Salvation Army.(17:42) And, you know, shitty cars and all that stuff. (17:45) So it's cool. (17:47) It's great.(17:48) But it's definitely when the outside and the inside change, they have to like homeostasis back to...

Kevin Palmieri

(17:56) You feel like you don't belong in your reality anymore. (18:00) Yeah. (18:00) And then you have to adapt.(18:01) Then you have to adapt. (18:02) You either adapt yourself or you adapt your reality. (18:03) That's why some people get a lot of money.(18:05) They just fucking blow it away because they're like, I, this is, I'm having a midlife crisis. (18:09) That's why people have midlife crises. (18:11) Because life didn't turn out the way they thought.(18:13) Their internal and external is wildly misaligned. (18:16) They find a way to try to get them more aligned. (18:18) Sometimes constructively.(18:19) Other times wildly deconstructively.

Alan Lazaros

(18:22) One last thing. (18:22) I know we got to go. (18:23) Yes.(18:23) Yes. (18:23) Yes. (18:25) We have a framework we teach in group coaching, used to teach.(18:29) The imposter circle versus the growth circle. (18:33) The imposter circle is your outside is bigger and better than your inside. (18:38) The growth circle is your outside is way less than your inside.(18:43) Like, and I recommend the second one. (18:47) Become more inside so that then the excess and the surplus on the outside is gravy. (18:56) Whereas the opposite is very scary because it's like, how the hell did I get here?(19:01) How do I keep this? (19:02) And I have to go more now? (19:04) I have to figure out how to, right?(19:05) So if your talent takes you places that your character and skills can't sustain, you're going to feel trapped. (19:12) And I want to make sure that my skills and character and capabilities and awareness and discipline and all that is way bigger than my income or my fitness or my relationship and that kind of stuff. (19:26) Because the identity crisis I had going from high school to college was like, Oh.(19:31) This is like a bigger game and I'm in some trouble here if I don't retool.

Kevin Palmieri

(19:36) All right, squad, if you're out there and you're having an identity crisis because you are maybe somewhere you didn't expect to be or you want to get somewhere that you don't believe you can get, reach out to Alan for coaching. (19:44) He will help you there for sure. (19:46) One of the ways people have identity crises is becoming more fit and adjusting and changing and evolving their bodies in ways they didn't think they could.(19:55) Or they've been years without. (19:58) How often does somebody say, Hey, I haven't been in this shape since I was X years old. (20:03) If you're looking to level up your fitness, we have the free Next Level Fitness Accountability Group.(20:06) It's in WhatsApp, no strings attached. (20:08) Reach out to Alan and I and we will let you in. (20:10) As always, we love you.(20:11) We appreciate you. (20:12) Grateful for each and every one of you. (20:13) If you are as committed as you say you are to getting to the next level, make sure you tune in tomorrow because we'll be here every single day to help you get there.(20:20) Keep leveling up to reach your full potential. (20:22) Next Level Nation. (20:24) Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University.(20:28) We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

(20:31) We mean it when we say family. (20:33) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. (20:36) Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.(20:39) Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow.