You Can’t Shut Down And Succeed (2517)

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What happens when the pressure of growth makes you want to escape instead of step up? In today’s episode, Kevin and Alan examine why shutting down during stress, setbacks, or uncertainty can quietly limit your potential. They discuss the patterns behind avoidance, overwhelm, and emotional reactivity, along with the self-awareness required to interrupt them. Kevin shares what it feels like to face a changing identity and new levels of responsibility as his work expands. Alan draws from years of coaching and performance work to explain why sustainable success is not built by avoiding discomfort. It is built by learning how to respond when the plan gets hard.

This conversation will challenge you to look at your default reaction to pressure, failure, and unmet expectations. Because the real goal is not simply getting results. It is becoming someone who can keep showing up long enough to create them.

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Show notes:
(1:38) Identity shifts, insecurity, and increased opportunity
(3:32) How growth creates more pressure
(5:04) Success is a lifelong cycle, not a finish line
(7:01) The real purpose of goals and self-belief
(11:17) Self-awareness during emotional overwhelm
(12:35) Panic moves, trauma responses, and constructive change
(15:42) Outro

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) If your trauma response is to shut down when things get hard and you get overwhelmed, unfortunately, and with empathy I mean this, you are in some serious trouble.

Alan Lazaros

(0:11) Success requires you to fail forward, and if failure, or success, or judgment, or embarrassment, or things not going your way shuts you down instead of ignites you, it's something you're gonna have to shift.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:28) Welcome to Next Level University. (0:31) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri. (0:33) And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazaros(0:36) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven, but no-BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

(0:42) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:49) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

(1:05) Self-improvement, in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free. (1:11) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:17) Next Level Nation, today for episode number 2,517, you can't shut down and succeed. (1:23) So I was talking to my wonderful wife last night, I said, I'm having an identity crisis. (1:29) And she said, what do you mean?(1:31) Well, not even that, she's like, what is it this time? (1:32) It's like, thank yous, that's a good answer. (1:34) And I said, I don't know, it's weird, like, Next Level Podcast Accelerator started out, and I was the podcast guy, I'm not even in the Next Level Podcast Accelerator anymore, because there are other things that are driving me to other places, and I'm traveling all over the place, it's freaking insane, it's crazy.(1:51) And, it is now the Peak Performance Podcast, and the name, the title, team name for Group 23, Peak Performing Podcasters. (2:09) How dare I? (2:09) I'm not in the group, sorry.

Alan Lazaros

(2:10) I think it's Peak Performer Podcasters.

Kevin Palmieri

(2:12) I wouldn't know. (2:14) You're still in the group. (2:15) I know, I'm teasing.(2:15) But, so, that is one of my deepest fears, and one of my insecurities, for lack of a better phrasing, is being left behind. (2:24) Here I am, not even in the freaking thing. (2:27) I was in group coaching, this is our 23rd group.(2:32) That is almost six years. (2:35) Now, I'm not in it anymore. (2:37) See you later.(2:39) Master classes, we were going to bring me back, and they were like, nah, we're not going to do that. (2:43) So, I got brought back in, and then I got kicked back out of the island. (2:48) And, things are going incredibly well on my end, which is great.(2:52) I have a client who we're doing something with that we are not doing with anybody else. (2:58) This is like a new thing we're doing, and my God, is it overwhelming. (3:01) And, we're failing forward together, right?(3:03) Neither of us have done this in the way we're doing it, so we're failing forward together, and I just feel like I'm the worst. (3:08) That's my internal dialogue, usually. (3:10) And, I told Alan, I said, dude, I think the hard part about this is, luckily, I might resent it for like an hour, and then go do something for an hour, and then just clear my head and come back.(3:24) If my trauma response was just to hit the snooze button every single day, and run away from this, this whole thing would crash and burn.

Alan Lazaros

(3:31) Yeah, for sure.

Kevin Palmieri

(3:32) Because, when you get a result, hopefully, you're getting better at getting that result. (3:38) You get more opportunity. (3:40) If you say yes to more opportunity, you're going to have more opportunity to shut down.(3:43) And, this is a cycle where you have to be very careful about how you do this, because you will get to the place where you resent what you're doing, and then you'll want to run away from it.

Alan Lazaros

(3:54) Well, if your trauma response was to shut down, you would have shut down long ago.

Kevin Palmieri

(4:00) I do believe that, but I think it probably was to shut down. (4:05) I just got a little bit, it's like, okay, take a second, show back up, take a second, show back up. (4:12) You know what I mean?

Alan Lazaros

(4:14) When we do the five S's of success, we did an episode on it a couple weeks ago. (4:21) Sacrifice to get to the next level. (4:24) Suffer toward the next level.(4:27) No. (4:28) Struggle toward the next level. (4:30) Eventually, you get to suffering, which is when the pain is the greatest.(4:32) Then, you get to success, eventually. (4:34) Now, you have to sustain. (4:38) Amy made a good point in Tuesday's group coaching session that you weren't there for.(4:43) I'm just joking. (4:45) No, that was supposed to be a playful joke. (4:48) That's what the episode was built on.(4:50) I'm not actually trying to dig at you.

Kevin Palmieri

(4:51) Too soon.

Alan Lazaros

(4:52) Too soon? (4:53) No. (4:54) Okay, good.

Kevin Palmieri

(4:54) I just thought it'd be funny to be funny about the fact that you were trying to be funny. (4:57) Ah, nice.

Alan Lazaros

(4:58) Okay, meta jokes.

Kevin Palmieri

(4:59) Nice. (4:59) There's levels.

Alan Lazaros

(4:59) There are levels to funnies. (5:04) In group coaching, she said it was state-proof, self-assigned, or doing the self-belief. (5:12) She said, this is a cycle.(5:13) It has to be over and over and over again. (5:15) You don't just do this once. (5:18) I thought that was implicit.(5:20) Amy, if you're listening, I was like, I think that's probably pretty implicit. (5:24) Then, I thought about it. (5:25) What if it's not?

Alan Lazaros

(5:30) I'm going to say this.

Alan Lazaros

(5:34) Is that obvious? (5:37) Is it obvious? (5:39) The five S's, they are not end states.(5:43) It's a cycle that you run forever.

Kevin Palmieri

(5:45) I do believe the assumption is that it ends eventually. (5:51) Just like fitness, like dieting, all that stuff. (5:54) Peak performance, self-improvement is a lifestyle, right?(5:57) You never actually stop.

Alan Lazaros

(5:59) It never stops. (5:59) You run it forever.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:00) Yeah, I think it probably was assumed that eventually you would end.

Alan Lazaros

(6:05) We should do an episode on that at some point, but we need to go into that for this episode right now, for this point. (6:12) Anyone listening, everything is a cycle. (6:16) Nothing is a one and done.(6:18) Seriously, what is a one and done? (6:20) Other than birth and death.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:24) Nothing, really?

Alan Lazaros

(6:26) Yeah. (6:27) Maybe that's a fundamental misunderstanding that a lot of people have.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:31) Maybe specifics instead of principles. (6:34) Like college is a one and done, but education is forever.

Alan Lazaros

(6:37) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:38) Something like that.

Alan Lazaros

(6:39) Nice. (6:40) College isn't one and done either. (6:41) You go to grad school and then you get your PhD.(6:44) But eventually it is. (6:44) And then there's continuing ed and then there's certifications. (6:47) That's fair.(6:47) But I see you. (6:48) Yeah, yeah, yeah. (6:49) I don't like the one and done.(6:51) And maybe that's something we should do an episode on. (6:53) I know I said that already, but I never really thought until Amy said that that people might think otherwise.

Kevin Palmieri

(7:00) Yeah, yeah. (7:01) Makes sense.

Alan Lazaros

(7:01) So for anyone watching or listening, if your trauma response is to shut down, you are running a cycle. (7:10) And the cycle is probably something like this. (7:14) Get excited for some new goal.(7:20) 10 pound in 10 week challenge. (7:21) I'll use it as an example. (7:24) Then you do it, which is why we're talking about this.(7:27) Because some people are so far off track. (7:30) You sent a video in the fitness accountability group that said, if you're too far off track, just keep going.

Alan Lazaros

(7:36) Yeah, yeah.

Alan Lazaros

(7:37) I don't know how to make this any clearer. (7:39) I don't care if you actually hit 10 pounds in 10 weeks. (7:41) Who cares?(7:43) That's not the goal. (7:45) And you said this. (7:45) You said the goal of the goal is to keep going regardless.(7:49) The goal of the goal is what you learn to do it. (7:51) The goal of the goal is keeping the promise you make to yourself. (7:54) The goal of the goal is to have self-belief.(7:56) Who gives a shit if you actually lose 10 pounds?

Kevin Palmieri

(7:58) The problem is the promise is the Nate. (8:01) It's called 10 pounds in 10 weeks. (8:02) So I know, I know, I know.(8:04) But that becomes the expectation. (8:06) And that becomes the promise. (8:10) So it's like what?(8:11) Let's say you do 9.5. Are you a failure? (8:14) If you did 10 last time, you might think you are. (8:17) To me, I am.(8:17) Yes. (8:18) If I do not hit 10 in 10, I have failed. (8:22) I have failed the mission.(8:24) And I don't want anybody to save me. (8:26) Don't I don't fucking care. (8:27) I don't want to hear it.(8:28) Well, Kevin, I don't want to fucking hear it. (8:30) I said I was going to do 10 in 10. (8:32) I'm going to do 10 in 10 to my own detriment.(8:36) I will do it. (8:37) I want that.

Alan Lazaros

(8:39) Okay. (8:40) And if you don't, you fail. (8:42) Yes.(8:42) Fair at that goal. (8:44) You're not a failure. (8:45) No, no, no.(8:46) That. (8:46) So there's layers to this. (8:47) But back to what I was saying is you get excited about some goal.(8:51) You set the goal timeline and target. (8:54) Hopefully it's measurable to some extent. (8:55) Smarter goals, you know, specific, measurable, attainable, all this stuff.(8:58) Realistic time bound. (8:59) And then evaluate report is the smarter part. (9:01) But 10 pounds in 10 weeks.(9:04) Good. (9:04) If you get to five weeks in and you're only three pounds down, are you going to shut down or get ignited? (9:10) That's, that's it.(9:12) I get ignited like, oh shit. (9:15) Protein Doritos gone. (9:16) Moki gone.(9:17) Like game time. (9:18) Exercise more. (9:19) Take the stairs more.(9:20) Yell more. (9:21) I'm kidding. (9:21) Burns calories.(9:22) No, but, but. (9:24) I always get fired up.

Kevin Palmieri

(9:29) You're fired up. (9:30) Do you get fired up to find? (9:33) Yeah, you do.(9:35) I think that that's the hard thing is like, are there levels where, okay, let's say you get fired up to double down on what you already know what to do versus getting fired up to figure out what actually you do in the first place. (9:45) I know. (9:45) But like, what are the, what are the differentiators in that other than self-belief?(9:49) Cause we know that. (9:51) But I can imagine somebody right now in the 10 pound in 10 week challenge is like, this is not working. (9:56) I have no fucking clue why.(9:58) I don't necessarily know if they're going to get fired up. (10:00) I think they're going to get frustrated. (10:02) Frustrated is fired up.(10:06) Okay. (10:07) And so what's a better word for stagnant? (10:11) They're going to, they're going to stagnate.(10:12) Oh, demoralized.

Alan Lazaros

(10:14) That's demoralized.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:14) Yes.

Alan Lazaros

(10:15) Demoralized. (10:15) That, I get demoralized when I get injured. (10:20) Like, uh, what was it?(10:22) My groin way back. (10:23) I was like, Oh my, I get so demoralized cause it's like, what the hell? (10:30) This is never going to be the same again.(10:33) You know, you get so demoralized. (10:35) Now that's the worst. (10:36) Oh, so bad.(10:37) But usually I sit in that for a little while and then I go, Alan, come on. (10:45) There's things, you're not the first person to get injured. (10:47) The hell are we doing here?(10:48) And then I coach myself out of it and I get fired up.

Kevin Palmieri

(10:56) That's not replicable necessarily. (10:59) So we've got to figure out like what the.

Alan Lazaros

(11:01) Coaching yourself out of things isn't replicable. (11:03) Yes, it is.

Kevin Palmieri

(11:04) Not if you don't know, not if you don't know the answers.

Alan Lazaros

(11:07) No. (11:07) What do you say to yourself? (11:08) What'd you say to yourself when you got kicked out of group coaching?(11:13) You didn't get kicked out, but we're just saying that playfully.

Kevin Palmieri

(11:17) Yeah. (11:17) Yeah. (11:17) I, well, I self-diagnose.(11:20) It's like, okay, what, why, what are you feeling? (11:23) I feel like I'm going to be abandoned and left behind. (11:25) Okay.(11:26) Is that a conscious, um, logical thought or is that just highly emotional? (11:31) It's highly emotional. (11:33) I mean, it's, I'm not, not there because I'm not doing anything.(11:37) I'm there because I'm doing other things. (11:38) Okay, cool. (11:39) Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.(11:40) But in the beginning it was very much like, hmm, interesting. (11:46) Yeah. (11:46) Back in the day.(11:48) Back in the day.

Alan Lazaros

(11:49) Back in the day, would you have shut down?

Kevin Palmieri

(11:52) I don't know if my, I don't think my trauma response really is shut down.

Alan Lazaros

(11:57) Now that I think about it. (11:58) You know someone who's this?

Kevin Palmieri

(12:02) Um, yes. (12:04) What's different? (12:06) Self-belief?(12:07) Well, it's like, no, no, not just self-belief. (12:12) No. (12:14) It's almost like it gets, there's like, I think it gets to a point where there's too much noise for them.(12:19) And then they just need to like escape. (12:22) So like they need to disassociate from whatever is happening and just let go of it. (12:27) Because it consumes them.(12:29) I think. (12:30) For me, same, but like I.

Alan Lazaros

(12:33) Hold on to certain things. (12:34) I guess. (12:35) One of my trauma response, one of my go-to's, I call it a panic move.(12:40) You have a panic move. (12:41) If Kev calls me, I know it's usually the panic move. (12:44) Scheduling conflict or travel or what, don't know what to do.(12:48) Kev's panic move when I get to call it, you know, one o'clock in the afternoon. (12:53) So my panic move is delete, delete shit, delete. (12:58) Get it out of here.(12:59) Donate it. (13:00) Get rid of it. (13:01) Get rid of it.(13:01) Can it. (13:02) Kill that department. (13:03) Done.(13:04) Like that's a panic move. (13:06) So I do think that everyone, when they get outside their trauma window, they. (13:11) Either shut down and escape or they make change.(13:14) Yeah, that's, that's a fair assessment. (13:17) You got to make change. (13:19) If you shut down and don't make change, nothing's going to change.(13:22) It's a great principle.

Kevin Palmieri

(13:25) Yeah. (13:26) I wonder, I don't know. (13:27) What is that?(13:27) What do you think is the most common one? (13:29) Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn based on your coaching?

Alan Lazaros

(13:35) Probably flight or freeze is probably the most common fight is the most important. (13:46) And then. (13:47) Fawn.(13:49) Is not good if you have bad leaders around you. (13:56) I don't know. (13:56) I guess I never thought about the percentages of each of those, but I do know everyone has a go-to and there's probably a destructive and constructive version of each.(14:10) Like fun could be like, Hey, how do you, how do you, I had one of my clients just do this with me and I don't think it was a trauma response, brother. (14:17) I just, he's like, tell me this. (14:20) Like how, how do you get so much done without like burning out?(14:27) Cause I just got potentially five more clients and he doesn't understand how I do so much, which I appreciate like respect. (14:37) Thank you. (14:38) Because quite frankly, I don't either.(14:40) Sometimes it's crazy. (14:43) And I basically answered it. (14:45) But, but fun sometimes can be like, Hey, I'm lost.(14:51) Like help me. (14:53) Like, what do you do? (14:54) How did you get over this?(14:55) Well, I think that's a good response if it's the right leader. (14:59) Otherwise you're, it's a terrible idea because if you fawn to someone who loves significance and power, then, and who doesn't know what they're talking about, but thinks they do basically don't fawn to people that are arrogant and entitled. (15:12) That's what I would say.(15:13) But then we got to go fight, freeze and freezes.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:16) Should we do part two? (15:17) Do part two on that?

Alan Lazaros

(15:18) Yeah, we have to.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:19) We have, we have to in the, in the nature of time. (15:21) That's, this is good though. (15:22) Cause I really want to dive into this because I do think this is one of like the bigger issues.

Alan Lazaros

(15:25) Yeah, agreed.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:26) People get opportunities that they want, that they think they're ready for, that they're not ready for and it screws up everything. (15:32) All right. (15:32) If you're in that boat and you're trying to elevate your capacity, one of the best ways to do that is with a coach.(15:37) Reach out to Alan. (15:38) And we're talking obviously about fitness, next level fitness kind of video group. (15:41) Reach out to Alan and or myself.(15:42) We will let you in. (15:43) As always, we love you. (15:44) Appreciate you.(15:44) Grateful for each and every one of you. (15:45) If you are as committed as you say you are to getting to the next level, make sure you tune in tomorrow because we'll be here every single day to help you get there. (15:51) Keep leveling up to reach your full potential.(15:54) Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. (15:58) We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

(16:00) We mean it when we say family. (16:03) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. (16:06) Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.(16:10) Thank you again.

Kevin Palmieri

(16:10) And we will talk to you tomorrow.