It's Okay to Want Anything

Is it okay to want anything you want? I mean ANYTHING. 

There's a trending topic going around the inter-webs of a text message Jonah Hill sends to a girlfriend at the time making some big demands. The consensus tends to be that Jonah is being a giant A$$ Hole and has no right to ask for what he's asking. 

He 100% has every right to ask for what asked for. Now before you start bashing me….

She has 100% every right to tell him NO and leave him.

Jonah even acknowledges that this is what she should do in the message!

This is a major lesson for this to me…

"It's okay to desire ANYTHING you want, but that doesn't mean you should get EVERYTHING that you want. "

Could Jonah Hill have been more skillful? Absolutely. 

I mean the guy has a documentary about his therapist, so I'm guessing he acknowledges that he has issues that can be worked on and sees how he could do much of his past better.

You might also be thinking…."It can't be okay to want <Insert Taboo Here>?" I'm going to tell you that YES, even that is okay to desire. Again, this doesn't mean it should come true, often what we want isn't what we need, it's often just a step to that understanding.

What's something you think shouldn't be allowed to be desired? I'll explain to you why it's okay. Please keep in mind the guidelines of the platform in how you express yourself though so that people can actually see the discussion.

Watch the full video episode at Justin Wenck, Ph.D. YouTube Channel!

Check out my best-selling book "Engineered to Love: Going Beyond Success to Fulfillment" also available on Audiobook on all streaming platforms! Go to https://www.engineeredtolove.com/ to learn more!

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Transcript

Justin Wenck: 0:07

Hi, I'm Justin Wenck, PhD, and you're listening to the engineering emotions and energy podcast. Are you ready to bust burnout, pursue your passion have more time, money, energy, and relationships you actually love, including the relationship with yourself. If so, then this podcast is for you. I'm a best selling author, coach, consultant, speaker, and a leader in transforming people's lives from living in fear, obligation and guilt, to living a life of joy, ease and love. What's most important is that I can teach you all this in a way that's enjoyable, easy, fast, and can actually last, let's begin. Welcome to the show. And today I am talking about, it's okay to want anything, and I'm talking anything and this is the Jonah Hill, I want to die on. Now, what does that mean? So there's been a lot of controversy going around a surfaced text from Jonah Hill, to an ex girlfriend. And usually I don't weigh in on, you know, the hot takes and the things in the culture, get, there's something about this, that I think brings up a very important point that I really want us to get at, which is why I'm tight on the show, it's okay to want anything you want. Because the consensus seems to be that it's not okay to want anything, that you should only want things that are okay with other people. So I'm going to dive into it. And I'm going to read you the message, I have the text of the message that's going out there. So you will have the message in completion. And we'll dive into it. And what I know is that you can tell all about a person and the relationship from one message. And so we're going to be able to know everything about these people. Just kidding. But we're going to use it as a teaching tool. And it's going to be really informative, and really fun. And I do want I do want to do a one of my favorite quotes from a Jonah Hill movie, the movie Superbad, which I think is now like 20 years old. He's in high school, and it's about him and Michael Cera, they just want to get some alcohol so that they can impress these girls at a party. And it's a really dirty, hilarious movie. And there's this one scene where it turns out that that Seth, which is the character Jonah Hill plays when he was younger, in fourth grade, he had a bit of a condition. And it goes a little something like this. When I was a little kid, I kind of have this problem. And it's not even a big deal. But something like 8% of kids do it for some reason. I don't know why I would just kind of he just sit around all day and drop pictures of dicks. You know, like a Mandic. I just sit there for hours on end drawn dicks. I don't know what it was. I couldn't get your pen to paper without drawing the shape of a penis. It's really fucked up here. I am a little kid and I can't stop drawing dicks to save my life. So just listen, like I mean, eventually they ended up calling my parents principal is a religious fanatic thinks I'm possessed by some sort of Dick devil. My parents take me to go see some therapist. And he's asking me all of these deep questions. They literally stopped me from eating foods that were shaped like Dick's. Imagine that. No hotdogs, no pastas? Do you know how many foods are shaped like Dick's the best kinds, the best kinds. So it's almost like in that movie all those years ago, setting up for this exact issue where it's pointing out that often what we want what we desire. It's not even consciously something. It's just it's almost a compulsion. And you might be going like, well, that's why we got to shut down desires and things like that. And I'm going to explain to you why that is 100% not the case, we should be encouraging all desires. And this is going to be very different from having all desires be met. So we'll be getting that. But first, I want to get a little bit into what's going on with me what's coming up. So I'm getting ready to go on a big adventure for the summer. I'm a big travel. If you've been following me for any length of time, you know that I like to travel I like to do adventurous things. I like to have experiences and then I like to bring the teachings the adventure to you. And so coming up going to be going to Costa Rica wouldn't be going to Guatemala gonna be going to Tulum, Mexico. And so I really would encourage you if you're not following me on you know, the Instagram the tickety talkity, the Facebook theory or the LinkedIn ads, then go you know, Justin Wenck PhD find me follow me because you're not going to want to miss the pictures, the videos to the post. I'm also gonna be doing podcasts recorded live there. So make sure you are subscribed to the engineering emotions and energy podcast. And you know, while you're there subscribing, why not Rated five stars, let other people know what you get from this and then you know, you're at it. It's in your mind you're doing things for the podcast, share it with a friend, let them know like, hey, some great shits about to come up this guy is going to be you know, there could be a volcano in the background of one of his upcoming podcasts for all you know, so I don't know I don't know just A possible highly likely preview. So I'm getting excited getting things ready prepped for that I'm leaving in like less than a week got a friend is going to be staying at my place to watch it while I'm gone. So super, super excited about that. And I just got some information about the audio book, the audiobook has been submitted to Audible for Amazon. And then also I guess, iTunes for their audiobooks, anywhere audiobooks. So it's in the process of being reviewed. The thing with audiobooks, we don't know exactly how long that could take could take a week could take two months, it'll be out when it's out, when I have a good idea that it's out gonna be doing a little audio book launch, do something special, got some fun things in the works. So again, other reasons to keep following, keep paying attention, also get on my email list. So you go to Justin wenck.com/podcast. And if you're on the list for the podcasts, you'll get notices for these other things, too. So that's, that's a lot of fun, exciting things going on. So onto the topic at hand. So what is the internet all abuzz about? What is this message, that actor Jonah Hill is getting a lot of a lot of shit for it, I'm not gonna say that he's he did this perfectly. But when you read closely, you see that he's he did a lot of things, right. So let's, let's start. So he messages his girlfriend at the time. And I think this is even it even has it in the message December 2 2021. So you know, we're talking just 23 days before Christmas. So this is also a very stressful time in any relationship, right? You're coming off a Thanksgiving, you got Christmas coming up, could be Hanukkah, whatever it is, it's the holiday season. So there's a lot of pressure on a lot of relationships. So he says, plain and simple. If you need surfing with men, boundaryless and appropriate friendships with men, to model to post pictures of yourself in a bathing suit, to post sexual pictures, friendships with women who are in unstable places, and from your wild recent past beyond getting a lunch or coffee or something respectful. I'm not the right partner for you. So some context that I've learned is that who he was going out with was a surfer and a model. So a lot of the things he's requesting are very out of alignment with how she lives her life. And so the immediate response is this fucking asshole telling this woman not to do what makes her happy, what makes her money, what makes her who she is. And, again, there's something to that where but if we continue on with the message, he then goes on to say, I am not the right, if you want to do these things, which is base if you want to, if you want to do what you're doing, if you want to be who you really are, I am not the right partner for you. These things bring you to a place of happiness, I support it. And there will be no hard feelings. These are my boundaries for romantic partnership. Now there ends up being some debate about is using boundaries appropriately. And one could say, you know, maybe you should, these are my desires in a romantic partnership, I think that would have been a better use of the word. But really, boundaries is something that we put up to keep ourselves safe so that we don't get harmed. And I'm guessing his state of mind is that she's doing these things, and he's feeling he's feeling hurt. There's something that comes in, probably, I would guess a lot of insecurities. And he's expressing that he doesn't want to feel that way. Yet. He is also acknowledging that she has agency that she can opt out of the relationship. And I'm assuming she probably did. That's what she totally should have done. Because she shouldn't have to change who she is. Yet. It's amazing that he expressed what he wanted, what he what he's desiring what he wants in a relationship at that time where he's at. And Jonah Hill, he one of his documentaries, it's been big on Netflix is bout him and his therapist, right. So I'm sure he'd be the first to acknowledge that he probably has had some challenges that he's had to overcome through his life. And maybe it hasn't always been, you know, said things or done things that were the most skillful indiscernible, I don't know. But he even like says like, Hey, I support you and doing what makes you happy. Just this is where I'm at. And so clearly, they were just not meant to be a good couple together. And there's nothing wrong with that. We should be going like, okay, it's so good that he put that out. So then she's like, Oh, shit, yeah, I am not going to be that woman for you. And they can both move along. And he can continue to work on his stuff and she can continue to live an amazing life and go find a man that's going to be like, That's the fucking sounds awesome. Like I love you know what you do what you put out there, the people you're hanging with like you, do you because I'm a big believer that there's always there's always somebody out there that is, you know, for us to benefit us in the way that we're wanting to be benefited. And sometimes that's going to be a bunch of Rama, yeah, when you get over the drama, then you get into a lot of love and a lot of amazing, beautiful stuff. And clearly, this was a time when there was some drama. So this is something where he expressed really wanted, and I'm guessing he didn't get it, and he shouldn't have gotten it yet. Hey, maybe there is a woman that would be like, Oh my gosh, yeah, I love these bounds. And yeah, I don't want to go surfing, I don't want to be in relationship with men. There's people that want anything and everything. Because one of the things that I've been exploring and diving into a little bit is kink culture, you know, what are these things that usually are considered taboo and not allowed? And recognizing that these people in these communities, they're really big on? Well, let's let's express, it's okay to want anything, then it's well, how do you go about it so that, you know, people are safe, so that nobody's being harmed, so that, you know, nobody's doing anything they don't truly want to do, which, to me, I think is a beautiful way to go about stuff that the desire is okay, because, again, going back to the beginning, where Seth Jonah's character and Superbad, he just he just wanted to draw dicks just wanted to draw dicks, there was probably some underlying need, that was there. And if the desire doesn't get to be spoken, then we don't get to get to the underlying desire, right. So there's probably a really underlying desire of like, oh, wanting to feel like secure and safe and relationship, and this desire of just all just make sure you do everything I want. That's just the surface thing. So when we let out what we desire, we can then get to whatever that deeper need is, because sometimes what we want is just a symptom of something that we really, truly need. This is something that I've had to learn in my coaching business, is to both deliver what somebody wants and what they need. So, you know, like, people, people want to have an amazing experience, where they're relaxed and calm, and all that. So really, what they need is meditation. So I deliver something that does both of that. Now, you might be going like Justin, can it really be okay to want anything? And I'm saying yes. And actually, the more that we were, we would allow people some grace, when they express a desire a want, probably, the less you would see a lot of the shadow sides of these unfulfilled, hidden, shameful desires come out. Because it's like one of those things. It's like, if someone goes, like, I want someone to do what I want, when I want, all the time. And it's like, okay, that's in some regards. That's called slavery. But then in other regards, there could be like, well, that can be of its like, do you really need that all the time? Probably not. Maybe you just want to experience for like, an hour or two. And then maybe somebody's like, well, you know what, I just don't want to have to think for a while, it'd be great. If just, somebody did some said, do this do that I just did. And I didn't have to think about it, I know it's going to be okay. And in two hours, I'm going to, you know, get my autonomy back. But I would just like to set that aside for a little bit and play a little game of, I'll do whatever you want, and somebody else's to play the game of somebody's going to do everything that I want. And so when we expressed the desire, we can then think of healthy ways to maybe satisfy these, or if there is no way, you know, because maybe it's like, I want to kill somebody. It's like, okay, well, clearly, there's no safe way to kill someone. But let's let's maybe get behind that. What is causing that desire, it's, oh, this person has been taking away some deep need, and well, what is being taken away? And is there a way maybe that person doesn't even know about it? And we're, maybe it's a misappropriation that that person should provide that need? And maybe we got to find some other person or place or way to fulfill that need. And then it's like, oh, well, I guess I don't really need to kill that person. That's okay. So I'm so glad that this hasn't been a whole big to do and I don't know I'm really curious what what people think if they agree that you know, yeah, Jonah could have been a little bit more skillful yet. He's He's putting out there what he wants, which is clearly not going to be popular, clearly not going to work out well. It didn't yet he did it. He put it out there. And in some ways a pride benefited. Because let this you know, this sounds like a really amazing woman that does like a lot of cool things, you know, surfing and modeling and probably doing like really cool adventure stuff. So that she could move on with her life, as opposed to like him going, like, Oh, that's okay. I don't know. But then he's secretly miserable, and probably is doing all these little cutting chavvy remarks and cutting her down and they just go on for years, decades, whatever. And she eventually gives up all the things she loves. Because she feels like well, I don't think he's really happy but he says he is but there's just something about it. So, it can be uncomfortable when someone tells us flat out, Hey, this is what I want. But you also have the right to go, Hey, no, I'm not giving that to you, whatever, I'm glad you want that. I hope you figure something out. But that's not for me. Those things are both okay? It's okay to want, it's okay to say, Nope, not going to provide it. And so I'm really glad this came out, so we can be talking about it. And I really do believe that anything, anything, it's okay to desire, literally anything, doesn't mean that any desire should be fulfilled, there is a very two distinct things. And I bet you that if you send me something where you're like, Justin, it can't be okay for somebody to want to do XYZ. I can figure out a way to show you that. Nope, that desire totally okay. And doesn't necessarily mean that they should get it, you know, because I mean, one could argue that, hey, I think the whole world should end like it's just a complete mess. And there's a lot there's a lot of rational reasons why No, that's the other thing is it, there doesn't have to be a rational reason for desire. Desire just is because ultimately, there's no reason to want anything, anything. Because eventually go like, Well, why do you want that? Why do you want that? Why do you want that? And that best you're gonna get? Well, because it brings up this feeling. Or maybe somebody goes to like, well, because God said so. But then you could always go well, so why why do you want that feeling? Or why do you think God said? So? Again, there's ultimately no reason for why anything should be a thing. Other than that, it's just, it's just to see where it goes. Life in many ways is just a game. So are you enjoying the game? Because there really is, there is no end, the end begins a new beginning. And so are you enjoying the process, or you're joining the journey, much like the trip I'm about to go on, there really is no point to anything in the trip. It's just to have the experiences while on the trip. And I will be sharing those with you. And I will be letting you know, what I learn and what I experienced. So you can benefit from that. And then that helps guide you on what journeys you wish to take on your own. Because you might go like, holy shit, I never knew that Guatemala was like that. Now I want to go where you might go, oh, fuck, I'd always heard so much about Costa Rica and wanting to go now that I see what you've done and gone. Like, it just really doesn't sound interesting. So I'm not gonna go. Great. And then you can figure out what game you want to play. What? What journey you want to go on, what's the story that you want to tell? This is your life. And any type of story you want to tell be a part of? It's, it's okay. It's all okay. I'm telling you, whatever you want. Whatever you desire, it's okay. It's how you go about it. That's where the discernment, that's where the magic happens is, well, what do you do with it now that now that it's out there, that you want to have that kind of job that you want to be in that kind of relationship? That you want to have a body that allows you to do these types of activities? Now that you've put that out there? Okay, how are you going to work with that? And that's, I love all that stuff, getting out what is it you really want? And then how do you make it actually happen in a way that is safe, and sustainable and doable? Right. And that's, that's a big thing of what's in my book, engineered to love going beyond success to fulfillment, the audio book coming soon. So, yeah, so if you're like, I can't be okay to want to quit my job and, you know, become a serf model. I'm gonna say, I think it's totally okay. It's totally okay. And it's totally okay, if somebody's upset by that. And then how do you work with that? And that's one of the things I like to do in my coaching. And that's why things a lot of tools in my book are for. So thank you so much for listening. Definitely. podcast at Justin wenck.com. If you got any comments, suggestions, because I'm really curious, what's something where you're just like, No, Justin, there's no way that this is okay. I'm very curious. Let's get a conversation going. So, thanks so much. Take care. I'm going to be getting ready for my travels coming up really soon. There might be one more podcast that I record before I start my trip. But my plan is to do a good amount on location. So at least three on location. So very excited you should be to or not. It's up to you. But I want you to be excited and it's okay that I want you to be excited. So with that, thank you and good day.