When 'Are You Okay?' is NOT Okay

Ever stumbled into a conversation where someone out of the blue asks you if you're okay?

This seemingly harmless question, when asked out of context can trigger a series of whirlwind emotions - self-doubt, anxiety, or even despair. Drawing from personal experience and diving into the complexities of human communication, I, Justin Wenck, Ph.D., will walk you through the potential implications of this question, especially in situations with a power dynamic, like coach-client relationships or even among peers.

As we prepare to ring in the holiday cheers, I'd love for you to join the conversation and be a part of my larger online community. Not only can you follow me on diverse social media platforms, but you can also sign up for my newsletter, where I share upcoming events and projects, and some special holiday offerings! 

Since the holiday season is upon us, I want to reach out to those of you who may feel slighted by different holiday greetings and extend my heartfelt wishes to each and every one of you. After all, communication is not just what we say, but how we say it. So, are you ready to start this conversation?

Watch the full video episode at Justin Wenck, Ph.D. YouTube Channel!

Check out my best-selling book "Engineered to Love: Going Beyond Success to Fulfillment" also available on Audiobook on all streaming platforms! Go to https://www.engineeredtolove.com/ to learn more!

Got a question or comment about the show? E-mail me at podcast@justinwenck.com.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Welcome to the show Today I'm going to be talking about when asking okay is not okay, are you okay? That should be okay, shouldn't it? Or is it okay or not okay? To me, it really depends about what's going on. What's the purpose and what is the context of that simple little question of are you okay? That's what we're going to get into, because sometimes you might not be okay and it's very helpful when somebody goes, are you okay? And you're like, no, I'm not, I want some help. And other times that might not be what you're in the mood for, and I'm going to share with you a very specific instance where I was feeling like I was doing more than okay, and so that question was not a good question. It was a very big indication that something needed to shift in relation to the person that asked me that question.

Speaker 1: 1:01

So where we get into that, this is the holiday season and make sure that you are subscribed to my email list. So, if you're not, go to JustinWinkcom or JustinWinkcom slash podcast and get on my email list, because I am offering, doing some really amazing things. So I'm very little to no cost, and so you don't want to miss out on these offerings that I'm doing. That can allow you to get the most out of the rest of the year, allow you to get a jump on New Year's resolutions. Or maybe you completely missed the boat and you didn't do it, and that's okay, because 92% of New Year's resolutions completely fail anyway. So there's going to be some opportunities to actually make the changes you want in your life. Super easy and super, super well done. So make sure you're there on my list that you don't miss the news. And then this is also make sure you're subscribed to this podcast, because also make sure to update things here and going to make sure that stuff gets into the show notes, things like that.

Speaker 1: 2:08

And many of you were able to make my pod that I did. For what did I think I called it my. For Thanksgiving, I did a special. No, I called it. See, I got to remember this. I get too clever with what I call things, then I forget what I call it. So this is why I usually write it down, but I didn't write it down before I got.

Speaker 1: 2:27

I did this show recording. Oh, it was the self giving. I did a self giving thing where it was an opportunity on Thanksgiving Day for for people who either weren't spending with someone or they were and they wanted a little break and they just wanted a little time to give some to themselves. We'll space. We did some breath work, we did some guided visualizations and when people got to share and talk and it was really a beautiful sharing experience and so I'm going to do another one of these for the around the Christmas time maybe definitely the Christmas time. I'll just leave it at that.

Speaker 1: 3:03

Sometimes I want to do too much and I'm learning you do just enough so that you can digest and I can digest, because we all sometimes need some time off. But there are going to be new podcasts coming out throughout the holiday season on into the new year, and can we continue posting? So make sure you are following me on social media. So with that, I was just in wait, phd, that's how you find me with that, are you okay? Is that? Is that a question that's okay to ask any old times? I say no, that sometimes that is, in some ways, a very malicious question.

Speaker 1: 3:44

There's a lot going on and I I've felt this before, but it really got driven home to me lately when a friend of mine, who I hadn't been in contact with for a few weeks, messaged me out of the blue and I'll read the message. I'm not going to say who it was, but I got this message, had been a while and I get hey there, you've been on my mind. I was leaving you to do your thing, but I keep getting a clear message to check in and see if you're okay. So you okay over there and See she didn't know where I was at and so I'm just like where is this coming from? I'm thinking like, well, have I been posting anything? And I post mostly things that are uplifting, inspiring stuff like that.

Speaker 1: 4:37

I'm not one of these posters that likes to put all of my shit out there. It's just like oh my gosh, I can't believe this awful thing. If I do, I usually try to have it in like I provide the context so that I'm showing you that here's where you can end up. If you start someplace like this. I don't just kind of vomit what's been going on and just go. Oh, it was me. The world has ended, I don't know what I'm gonna do. This sucks, people suck. The world is awful, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's just not my style. Again, a lot of people do that. A lot of people like that. It's just not my thing. I just about can't follow people that do that anymore and so I don't. So I'm just like what is going on? Like what is this that like? Are you okay? What is the indication Not to say that I haven't been going through some life challenges?

Speaker 1: 5:25

Right, like I've shared that like my grandma passed away and there's been some challenges that have happened over this year, so and this friend is aware of that so it's not that things have been perfect yet. I'm like I'm a very well resourced individual, as you know, at this moment, the tools that I teach you, the enjoyments that I share, these are things I use myself. And then I have my own support staff, if you will, of people that support me that when that I work through things, that I'm able to bounce things off of, they give me guidance, they allow me space to feel my emotions and feel connected, and things like that. So I'm getting and I'm just like what is this? Are you okay? Are you okay?

Speaker 1: 6:13

Over there, and I'm just like I'm feeling this anger and this frustration and what kind of comes up for me is a lot of people know Brene Brown, who's about sort of like being vulnerable and to dare and to be involved. And I'm trying to remember the exact context, but it's usually it's a little something about something to do with like empathy, where there's a lot about recognizing where someone is at and they might be in a pit of despair or depression or anxiety or something like that, and it's like you might not be in the pit and you can see that they are there and you can kind of like light. The way to bring them up is that's what you wanna be doing, as opposed to getting in the pit with them and just sort of like, well, now, yes, I'm oh, yes, that is so awful. So, and now I'm upset, I'm frustrated, I'm anxious and see, I'm with you, I'm with you down in here, we're in the pit together, and so now you just have two people in the pit of like feeling like shit.

Speaker 1: 7:22

And what came up to me with this sort of questioning and this isn't I've experienced this, it was. It happened in the context of a workout coach going to a workout class and it's like I'm busting my ass like we're flipping tires, like a CrossFit style bullshit type of word. Yeah, of course I ended up getting injured, cause it's almost just the style where it's just like we're gonna do these ridiculous things, we're gonna play fucking music and everybody's gonna be going full fucking tilt and it's go, go, go, go, lift, lift, lift, hard, hard, hard, hard. And so, like the instructor what are these called? The coach, the fitness coach, like you know, I'm like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, and he's like are you okay?

Speaker 1: 8:15

And I'm like, and now I'm searching my brain for ways that I am now not okay, cause there's a little bit where it's like isn't this the whole point of what you're having us go through? Is that I am going to get really tired. I'm, my muscles are gonna fatigue, I'm gonna get out of breath, I'm gonna pan, I'm gonna possibly get to close, but hopefully not get to the point of vomiting and or fainting. Is this, is this not the intended consequences of what you are putting me through, coach? Blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1: 8:49

And so it's like well then, is there something else wrong? It? Do I look like it is there? Am I bleeding? Like, am I? Am I, should I be doing better it just I've started looking for, well, what is what is wrong? This person's seeing something wrong with me and asking am I okay? And so it's, it's not helpful. It's making me wonder what's wrong with me that this person's asking what's okay, cause they're not sharing. So there's really a few things in this question of are you okay? It's presupposing that there's kind of something wrong, without giving away what it is, that the person's perceiving could be wrong, and so it's making the other person go through all the possible things that could be wrong with them. Right, which is fucked up, like there's already. You already probably have a few challenges in your life, right, you don't need to be go looking for more. And then. So that's one thing that is really really messed up about this question is you are encouraging someone to find out what could be wrong with them and just go through and then and try to go like is that?

Speaker 1: 9:59

It Is that, and again, often in a context where there isn't really time to discuss this or whatever. So if you're a fitness coach, whatever, if you got an observation, stay with the observation is, and like hey, do you need to take a break? Brick gets to something of like very, based off of you have an observation, and here is your skilled offering of maybe what to do about that observation, as opposed to like are you okay? You're bleeding, do you need a bandage? Like you're now horizontal and you should be vertical. Would you like us to call the ambulance? Like so that's the other thing, and so that's one. I don't know how many things I'm talking about, but so there's that.

Speaker 1: 10:46

And in the context of where somebody is put into a role of, okay, this is a coach and I am here, I am a client, and there is definitely like I am here for your services, you are sort of in a position above me, that it's like oh, okay, you are observing and you are sort of here to help guide whatever. Great, that has been established based off of what we signed up for. So it's like if I'm coaching you, I'm gonna be asking stuff because you've put me in that role. That would be different than if I was not in that role, if we were just friends, just colleagues, strangers, things like that equals. I would be asking you questions in a way that is different because of the context, right. So remember, there's content and there's context, and the context is gonna dictate a lot about how the content lands. And so, again, in this context of where somebody's a coach, a doctor, whatever, and somebody's coming in for assistance, for help, whatever the context is gonna allow a little bit of that. Like I am seeing something and I'm gonna offer you feedback on it that is led by the context, right, but where this content of the question are you okay?

Speaker 1: 12:04

Starts to get even worse is when there isn't that context of that established hierarchy, and that is what really pissed me off. So we're getting into that pit metaphor of where somebody's down in the pit and what this is doing, because this is someone that I consider sort of an equal, a friend, a colleague, a spouse type of a situation and by this question being asked in this way, it is effectively putting me into the pit. I don't believe I'm in the pit and I don't believe she is out of the pit, but by this question it presupposes that I'm in the pit and she can offer some guidance and help to get out of there, and I didn't ask for any of it. So that's why my response to this was oh, no, no, thank you to that question. I reject that question, everything about that question. What do you really want to know or express to me? Why did I reject it? Because, again, I don't want to be put in the fucking pit.

Speaker 1: 13:12

Right, I was enjoying my life, like I felt like I was handling things and I was experiencing some of the most joyful experiences that I had felt my entire life in the past. Like day or two up to getting that message. So it's putting me in the pit. It's making me question like what's going on with me? What is wrong? What is she seeing and putting allowing her to be in a position above me, and so that is I'm like no fuck that I didn't ask for this. You put me this. I reject that.

Speaker 1: 13:47

I am not below anybody. Not below anybody. I am all about going to other people for help when I see they can help me, but that's me choosing because I appreciate their perspective, their talents and their abilities. Yet I am not inherently below anybody and I won't just allow anybody to put me below them. No, this has to be something that is entered into consensually, where I am at choice at it, and I do my best to make sure that I don't force anybody to be beneath me. I don't think anybody's beneath me. There's going to be times where I have perspective, I have tools, I have knowledge, I have abilities, I have whatever is. It can be of service and of help, but that's only if the other person wants it, because, again, nobody has to do anything in any certain way.

Speaker 1: 14:31

So that is why I'm like no, what is it that you really want? Because it's like maybe she saw something or whatever. Tell me what your observation is. I saw this, or I'm sensing this, or I'm having this, and so that's why I'm asking are you OK? So that's missing. And then the other is is it really about me or is this about you? Do you, because I haven't responded to you for a month? Are you wanting my attention? Is this more like you're not OK, that the fact that I haven't been talking to you? If so, say that.

Speaker 1: 15:11

State that. Don't hide this behind some bullshit. That you're doing me a favor to see if I'm OK and you want to help me. Fuck that. Own it. Own that you. You've missed me, you missed talking to me, you missed my companionship or whatever. It was about me and you want, and you want that connection.

Speaker 1: 15:34

All right, let's talk about that. That's something real, not this bullshit. I'm going to put you below so I can be above, so I can feel better about myself, because I don't know. Yeah, I'm like I don't know. Tell me what's going on. Don't make me think something's wrong with me because you have a feeling and then the response to this is I haven't heard from you and you have been through a lot. I'm asking if you are OK, just doubles down. So I'm just like all right, this relationship is no longer in alignment. Let's be professional, let's be colleagues, not interested in any other type of relationship or whatever at this point. So thank you, appreciate the concern, thank you. I'm going to take the intent at face value and appreciate that.

Speaker 1: 16:28

Yet this person is not operating in a way that is in alignment with how I like to be friends with people, because I have standards for who and how. Not like. You have to do it this way, but there is a little bit of like. Let's make it really simple. We all have standards of how we allow people to treat us and we get what we tolerate. So how many of you listening have had one of your very good friends piss on you lately when you were sitting? They need to go to the bathroom. They're coherent, they're not sick, they're not drunk. They just decide to urinate all over you because you're effectively a human toilet to them. How many of you have had that happen in the last week or month? I'm guessing probably none of you, because if they did, that person would not be a close friend, it would not be allowed anywhere near you for the rest of your life. You have standards, and we have these standards for something like that.

Speaker 1: 17:32

But yet, when it comes to the types of questions we might allow people to ask us or the types of things we say, that's sometimes when it starts to get easy or it gets challenging. And to me, I don't think there should be any difference between someone tossing their literal, physical waste on us or their emotional, mental, logical, energetic waste on us and that question of are you OK? It's just, it's complete, it's complete trash being thrown at me and I won't tolerate it. So I'm like no, hey, this is that. But things can change, things can change, right, I can change this other person can change, and so it's just, that's just about. You know well, that's I. My tolerance is my tolerance, but I'm open to people shifting, changing and things becoming in alignment again, right?

Speaker 1: 18:28

So Are you okay with this show? This is topic okay for you, because it doesn't have to be and you can have your own standards and you might be like I don't like a show like this. That's fantastic. We may like Justin, this totally makes sense like yes, now I understand why I didn't like it. When somebody asked me that and You're allowed to say, hey, I didn't like, I didn't like that. Here's how this lands for me. This is my experience, and maybe you weren't able to figure out why something like this like bothered you, and so I'm hoping that this can help you go. Oh, okay, yeah, maybe, because maybe this question isn't something that Gets at you, but maybe there's something else you can go like what is it? What is that? What does that bring up for me and what is this person really wanting? Because you know, depending on the who the person is, you might want to figure out like, well, what is it they really want, and so that you can serve them, and this, in this case, I just that's I. This person's gonna be fine, and it's not my job, just like it wasn't their job to save me. We're both very Capable adults. So, with that, thank you so much.

Speaker 1: 19:46

Do remember to keep following on social media Justin Wake, phd, on tiktok, on Instagram, on LinkedIn, youtube, facebook. So drop me a line there. Let me know how you enjoyed the show. You can also email me podcast at justinwinkcom. And Do remember, get on the email list, because got some really cool, amazing things Coming. So good, justin wink, calm, sign out to be on the newsletter.

Speaker 1: 20:15

I really don't send stuff that often and whenever I do I always like I want to give you something. It's worth you opening that up and taking a look. So Get on there, because I got some really cool stuff coming up here at the end of the year, beginning of the next, so Do hope that the holidays Treat you well. So, to those of you Celebrating Christmas, happy holidays. And to those of you that don't celebrate Christmas, merry Christmas, merry Christmas. And to those of you that get pissed off if you don't hear the exact thing in the exact way. I'm wishing you a Little, a little piece and some perspective that a lot of people are just doing the best they can and it's not about hurting you at all and sending you lots of love and, yeah, again, take care. And with that, good day everybody. I