"Love is a complex dance that often leaves us perplexed, yearning for a deeper understanding of the forces that govern our emotional bonds."
Unlock the secrets to creating loving, secure connections with Maya Diamond, an expert dating, sex and relationship coach, in a heart-opening conversation that will reshape your perspective on love.
We tackle the significance of attachment styles and how they play out in our lives, especially when the glow of the holidays fades and as Valentine's Day looms. Embrace a transformative journey through the nuances of communication, as we challenge the implicit assumptions often found in romantic entanglements and underscore the benefits of clear, open dialogue for setting boundaries and aligning expectations.
Step into the emotional labyrinth of attachment styles with us, from the anxious attached's pursuit of closeness to the avoidant's quest for independence. We dissect their origins, looking into how childhood experiences shape our adult relationships, and explore the complex dance between different attachment types.
This episode provides a beacon of hope for those seeking to evolve beyond destructive love patterns and narcissistic attractions, offering insights into fostering emotional availability and a secure bond nurtured by understanding and neuroplasticity.
We round off our insightful discussion by celebrating the stability and trust inherent in secure attachment, often overshadowed by the allure of drama-filled connections. We discuss the world of erotic blueprints and how they can deepen intimacy, as well as the delicate balance of masculine and feminine energies in the dance of intimacy. Whether you're navigating the dating scene or in a long-term partnership, this episode is a treasure trove of wisdom for anyone eager to enhance their emotional and erotic connections and step into a more authentic expression of love.
To connect with Maya go to empowerlove.us/love or book your free love breakthrough session empowerlove.us/apply
Instagram: @mayadiamond.empowerlove
Watch the full video episode at Justin Wenck, Ph.D. YouTube Channel!
Check out my best-selling book "Engineered to Love: Going Beyond Success to Fulfillment" also available on Audiobook on all streaming platforms! Go to https://www.engineeredtolove.com/ to learn more!
Got a question or comment about the show? E-mail me at podcast@justinwenck.com.
Remember to subscribe so you don't miss the next episode! Connect with me:
JustinWenck.com
Facebook
Instagram
LinkedIn
YouTube
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended, music and pics belong to the rightful owners.
=====================================================
"Love is a complex dance that often leaves us perplexed, yearning for a deeper understanding of the forces that govern our emotional bonds."
Unlock the secrets to creating loving, secure connections with Maya Diamond, an expert dating, sex and relationship coach, in a heart-opening conversation that will reshape your perspective on love.
We tackle the significance of attachment styles and how they play out in our lives, especially when the glow of the holidays fades and as Valentine's Day looms. Embrace a transformative journey through the nuances of communication, as we challenge the implicit assumptions often found in romantic entanglements and underscore the benefits of clear, open dialogue for setting boundaries and aligning expectations.
Step into the emotional labyrinth of attachment styles with us, from the anxious attached's pursuit of closeness to the avoidant's quest for independence. We dissect their origins, looking into how childhood experiences shape our adult relationships, and explore the complex dance between different attachment types.
This episode provides a beacon of hope for those seeking to evolve beyond destructive love patterns and narcissistic attractions, offering insights into fostering emotional availability and a secure bond nurtured by understanding and neuroplasticity.
We round off our insightful discussion by celebrating the stability and trust inherent in secure attachment, often overshadowed by the allure of drama-filled connections. We discuss the world of erotic blueprints and how they can deepen intimacy, as well as the delicate balance of masculine and feminine energies in the dance of intimacy. Whether you're navigating the dating scene or in a long-term partnership, this episode is a treasure trove of wisdom for anyone eager to enhance their emotional and erotic connections and step into a more authentic expression of love.
To connect with Maya go to empowerlove.us/love or book your free love breakthrough session empowerlove.us/apply
Instagram: @mayadiamond.empowerlove
Watch the full video episode at Justin Wenck, Ph.D. YouTube Channel!
Check out my best-selling book "Engineered to Love: Going Beyond Success to Fulfillment" also available on Audiobook on all streaming platforms! Go to https://www.engineeredtolove.com/ to learn more!
Got a question or comment about the show? E-mail me at podcast@justinwenck.com.
Remember to subscribe so you don't miss the next episode! Connect with me:
JustinWenck.com
Facebook
Instagram
LinkedIn
YouTube
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended, music and pics belong to the rightful owners.
=====================================================
Welcome to the show. Today we're going to be talking about relating relationships. It is the holiday season has come to a close and maybe you've had some challenges with your relationships romantic or otherwise and Valentine's Day will be coming up. So it might be you're looking towards maybe having that Valentine, or maybe you have somebody and you're on the hook. There's a comedian that like to say that when you're in a relationship, valentine's Day is a bit like getting pulled over by the police. The best case that happens is nothing. You just get to go along with your life as if nothing ever happened, but the consequences could be dire. You could get end up in relationship jail and it's just down side. So Valentine's Day is an interesting holiday, but it still is a good time to prep, to talk about relationships and so knowing how you relate with other people and then maybe having an eye of how they relate with you so that you can figure out. That's what we're going to be talking about, and I'm saying we because have a really amazing, fantastic guest.
Speaker 1:Her name is Maya Diamond. She's an expert dating, relationship and intimacy coach known for helping people become more secure, deepen their self, love and find a healthy, loving and lasting relationship. Maya is a trained psychotherapist and holds a master's degree in somatic psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. She's created the Rewire for Love program, which is a four month intensive program that helps people shift their destructive patterns. I mean, let's get real, it's a lot of people that's like, oh, this is not actually a healthy thing, but she helps people get out of those old patterns and get into love and have a healthy relationship. So for three years in a row, maya has been named one of the best coaches in San Francisco by expertisecom. She's also named one of the best relationship experts in California by dating advicecom.
Speaker 1:Maya's dating advice has been featured in MindBody, greencom, wiki how and elephant journalcom. She's shared her message on the TEDx stage with a talk titled the Surprising Key to Building a Healthy Relationship that Lasts, and she has a podcast that I definitely encourage you to check out. It's called Rewire your Attachment Style, where she interviews couples. She does solo shows and she'll also bring on experts and you can find out just about on every podcast platform. You can also find more about Maya and also I'll be in the show notes empowerloveus slash love. Welcome to the show, maya. Hey, so good to see you.
Speaker 2:Yay, good to see you too. Happy to be here.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I mean there's probably lots of ways. I know one thing that we talked about of possibly looking at, you know, relating and maybe getting a little bit from the destructive patterns to maybe more healthy, is attachment styles, and I pulled out my. Where I learned about it is this book called Polysecure, which is for people that want to operate in consensual, non-monogamy or polyamory. Yet I think it's just good for anybody that wants to relate with anyone, because even if you're in a monogamous, committed relationship, you still relate with other people, and this can help you navigate, even with all the non-sexual stuff, Because actually most stuff is well, I'll say, non-physical sexual stuff, because there ends up being sexuality that has to do with non-physical, like making the googie eyes and the emotional attachment, eroticism right, we are erotic beings and so just moving through the world, we are carrying our erotic energy and so, yeah, I agree, I think that's kind of a bit of a shadow of monogamous culture, is?
Speaker 2:there's not a ton of talk or a ton of literature around all those things, all the gray areas of dancing with other people, talking with other people, flirting with other people, right? And so that can definitely come up in monogamous relationships. What are people's boundaries and how important it is to have conversations around that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I had a couple friends back when I was living in the Sacramento area One guy this guy was married and he was in a very unhappy marriage and he liked to go out and drink and party. And it was another friend of mine. She was single and she was also like to go out and they would go out, drink and be very emotionally connected and I think even a couple times he would like spend the night at her place because it's like he couldn't drive home, type of a thing.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Yet he'd always be like I've spent the night on the floor or on the couch, but I can't remember if he, eventually his wife did find out some of these things. But he was just like, well, I never touched her, so it's okay. But it was not okay when she found out that he spent the night and she went bananas on social media and was like, oh, this woman's a slut and this and all this other stuff like that. And there's a little bit of like, well, what the fuck do you think's gonna have? Like you know, maybe you should talk about some stuff with your wife and maybe not be added, I think they eventually worked it out, but it was there was which is what
Speaker 2:drama exactly yeah.
Speaker 1:And yeah. I don't know, do we want to like maybe use that as a way to talk about some attachment styles, or do you want to go with that? I?
Speaker 2:was going to say. That reminds me of, you know, one of the concepts of secure attachment that stand tack in one of the you know leaders in the world of attachment talks about, which is kind of the couple bubble, which is kind of okay, we protect each other and we protect the relationship, and so it's like okay, what are the things that we do to protect each other and protect the relationship and to protect this couple bubble of each other? And that would be for him it's like having he wasn't having the right conversations. How does this make you feel when I do this, like what is you know? What are your boundaries? What would make you feel safe? What would make me feel safe in this right? And so there was a way that it sounds like he was going.
Speaker 2:The other thing with the couple bubble is, like you know, prioritizing the emotional connection of the partner, of your partner, like that's your number one emotional connection and obviously having emotional, mental connection with other friends is really really healthy and really, really important, I believe, to have a secure society. I think community is an essential ingredient in a happy life and all the research says that. And, yeah, making sure that there's, you know, you're really prioritizing. I think one of the big things that the secure attachment kind of field has really helped everyone understand is that that prioritization like you're, I'm important, you're, we're, equally, your needs and my needs are equally important and so we're prioritizing both in a secure relationship and obviously in order to do that, we have to have conversations and understand each other and you know all of that and I think it's really cool because the polyamorous world I think has influenced, can really positively influence, the monogamy world and the monogamy world can positively influence the polyamory world.
Speaker 2:So there's a lot of, you know, contention between the two, but there's actually a lot of a lot that you know people can learn from each other and I think, from you know the. I really love how in polyamory, agreements are very something that is talked about and well, in my opinion, probably could be talked about more. But but agreements are really, you know, something that also in kink it's like in the world of kink it's like creating agreements, creating containers, all of that and that can be so helpful also just for relationship in general, like oh yeah, well, because I think there's a little bit of it's.
Speaker 1:Whenever there's something that people believe is like the standard, the quote unquote standard, then that's like, well, we all know what we're talking about, so we don't have to talk about it. And it's like, well, I was recently implicit agreements right Exactly.
Speaker 1:I was recently talking to a friend about this night, like this Kevin Smith movie from 1996 called Chasing Amy, where Ben Affleck stars and he falls in love with a lesbian and so and then so there's they have like this discussion about virginity and he's like you know, well, you know, you only can you only lose your virginity if you do sex the standard way. And she's like what are you talking about? Well, like, get out of here. I'm going to pretend you didn't even say that.
Speaker 2:Nice yeah.
Speaker 1:But it ends up, you know, that brings up a whole lot of like, well, wow, what is the definition of this? And like, yeah, when you talk about the relationship bubble and you know, typical monogamy everyone kind of thinks has an assumption of what that means or looks like Exactly, and but it's like that, when it comes to, you know, down on the ground, it's like, what does that actually feel like, look like, sound like, and you know, and I'm thinking of the story I started with it's like he was protecting the illusion of that relationship bubble, of like, well, oh, as long as I don't physically touch you know, in a way, then, like all this other stuff is okay, and it's like, well, clearly, it was not okay to the, to the white.
Speaker 2:Right, exactly, and so it's like well, what is?
Speaker 1:what is the? What actually is the relationship bubble that is wanting to be protected? I guess is exactly, and that's even when you kind of like know that it's like easier to say than to actually practice that and have like the conversations of like, well, yeah, what can I do? Or what can't I do, because it's like, oh well, what if somebody wants to do something that I have a feeling of like wait, they want to talk to somebody with the opposite sex or the same sex and like how am I going to feel about that? And like, yeah, gonna want to like just not even talk about it, or am I going to be like, well, now I better like really make them happy.
Speaker 2:Right, and so this is where you know, one of the biggest things that I teach is how to communicate your needs and desires and boundaries and feelings in relationship. I find that so many people who have like destructive patterns and love which could be like, say you know, and I'll kind of name some of the most common ones that I work with, which is one being chronically attracted to unavailable people, so constantly choosing, attracting, desiring the most unavailable person in the room, right.
Speaker 2:And so when you another common destructive pattern is choosing and being attracted to narcissists, people who can't see you, who don't aren't able to empathize with you, who aren't able to validate your experience.
Speaker 2:Another common destructive pattern could be you're the one who is emotionally unavailable and you can't actually commit and you can't actually open your heart in love, and so you just can't actually get into. I guess it's not really destructive, it's more just. You can't actually settle into a relationship because you are more avoidant in love and it's hard for you to really trust and rely and be co-regulated with another person. And so there's a constant part of you that's wanting to leave and not be fully in a relationship. And so in these different patterns it's very common that one of the biggest root causes that I see is a lack of being able to actually just communicate. It's so, so important, and I think we're not taught it in school, we're not taught it in our families. We're taught a particular code of communication and families, but it's usually not a very healthy one, and so people are just then thrown out into relationships not actually understanding how to communicate effectively.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like there wasn't a good model and then there was no other education and then it's just like go do the relationship thing and do the things, be an adult lover and parent and all this stuff and good things.
Speaker 2:See what happens.
Speaker 1:Yeah, here's some medication.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then with my couples that I work with because I also do couples coaching that kind of that destructive patterns of communication, like maybe both people really love each other and both people really want the relationship to work, but because they're not communicating in an effective way, it actually creates more disruption, more disconnection, more, you know, even hatred in the relationship, and so it just is such a big piece that is so cliche like, but is so important. This piece of communication and really being able to speak your vulnerable truth. I would say the vulnerable feelings is something especially that men have been, you know, especially in the generations of 40 to 60. If you grew up in that range, then you basically were taught that there's been so much conditioning around not owning the feelings, not connecting with the feelings, not expressing the feelings, not being able to process the feelings, and so there's a lot of emotional constipation that's happening and then that lays out in all these unconscious ways and relationships.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, there's definitely a part of like some people just have like no awareness or they're not allowed or like I'm thinking of, like my dad, who I think he's in the 70s, but you know he was taught at a young age. Boys, don't cry.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And you know, there's, there were times where I'm like, hey, dad, are you okay? You seem like very upset, you know, and he's like, and he's, he's like that upset, like he's physically shaking and like you know, and his voice is tense, he's like no, I'm okay, I'm like. At one point I finally got that like I think he actually believes, like that's his level is like he has no idea that.
Speaker 2:His awareness and consciousness is blocking out the truth of his emotional and physical experience.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and me like reflecting that, hey, it seems like that now that's actually bothering me, that's because now he's like, now I have something to be angry about you bothering me, exactly.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, that happened. Yeah, that's. I've had that in a relationship where I think when someone is more empathic, they're going to feel the feelings of the other person, and when the then when you reflect it back and there's like no, like they're like no, I'm fine, it's like, oh wow, like the shared experience is so different, it can be really hard.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, and that's why I learned my empathy superpower and also the confusion and challenge of relating yeah, which has been the growth journey, and you know why I end up reading books like Poly, secure and learning attachment styles and yeah.
Speaker 1:Well it's, maybe it's. Do you want to do the quick overview of what the four quadrants are? Yeah, because then I think I kind of have like a question came up. I had like about it, and maybe it's a little bit related to narcissists or I don't know. But yeah, so people really curious your take on the, because I thought I remembered it a certain way and then, like, open the book up and looked and I'm like, oh, it's actually like this. The labels are different than I remember and it's probably. I don't know, but yes, yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, so let's start with anxious.
Speaker 2:So with anxious attachment you have preoccupation with relationship. You really want closeness and there's a deep fear of abandonment. And that deep fear of abandonment drives a lot of the anxious attachment behaviors like kind of self abandoning in relationship, not fully speaking your truth, not owning your experience because you're afraid that the other person is going to leave, not owning your boundaries because, or speaking your boundaries because you're afraid the other person is going to leave. So with anxious attachment I noticed that there's a lot of like knowing kind of how you feel and what you want, but not saying it Right.
Speaker 2:And so because of that deep fear of abandonment. And so I like to talk about causation as well with these four. And so the causation, the root cause of anxious attachment, is usually some kind of either loss in childhood or maybe unavailability of the parents, like maybe your dad was really unavailable and shut down, or maybe your mom was working all the time, or a lot of also anxious attachment is caused by inconsistent caregiving from a parent, so maybe your mom was there, but then she wasn't there. There, she wasn't there, and so you kind of your system goes into hyper arousal, which is and this isn't a fun kind of arousal.
Speaker 1:This isn't like yeah this is not Arotic arousal. Yeah, baby, what are you?
Speaker 2:This is not erotic arousal. This is exactly nervous system arousal, hyper arousal. So you're constantly kind of on high alert. When is the love going to come? I better be ready for it. So I'm constantly on high alert, yeah, and so that's why nervous system regulation is so important in terms of healing anxious attachment. So then we'll go to the avoidance, so anxious are. So, actually, no, I'd rather not.
Speaker 1:I don't want to go there. Can we talk about anything?
Speaker 2:So anxious people are very commonly attracted to avoidant attachment. Why is this? Because it's the opposite attachment style. So avoidance are incredibly good at self reliance, incredibly good at independence. They a lot of times are very successful in their field because they can work really well on their own. And what happened in childhood with the avoidance is their source of love was not there. There was a lot of neglect or lack of emotional attunement and so therefore they learned to just disconnect and just self kind of auto-regulate like oh, I can't rely on others, I can't trust the world, so I need to just trust myself and kind of shut down and be in hypoarousal. So hypoarousal of the nervous system is like this low-grade kind of shut down energy and so it's like this always. That's why I'll personally share that I feel very calm and safe with avoidance because they're so chill, because there's not a lot of emotional expression happening. They're just so darn chill and like they feel so regulated.
Speaker 2:But really what it is is there's a disconnection from their own feelings and needs, and so that disconnection, that shutdown, it creates a way that I think something that's really hard in relationships with avoidance is they have a hard because they have a hard time like well, they have a hard time acknowledging their own feelings and needs and then they have a hard time acknowledging and prioritizing your feelings and needs and so because of that.
Speaker 1:They're there and also like not there. They're kind of like an extra or non-fiery character.
Speaker 2:So to me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's kind of like what I was like oh, it's so close to having a human, a great, so that's why, for the anxious, attached type where it's like, it's like, oh, why won't you love me? And it's like, because I've found that people can only do for others what they can do for themselves. And so it's like, well, if they can't recognize their own emotions and love themselves, and it's like, sure as fuck aren't going to be able to do it for you, me or anybody else in the world. And it's not Exactly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a really good way of saying it. Exactly, it's like when you live with an avoidant. It's almost like they're there, exactly, they're physically there, but they're not actually going to be as emotionally present as you need. If you are more on the anxious side or even more on the secure side, it can be really hard to be with some unavoidant attachment person who hasn't worked on their own avoidant attachment, because that's the beauty is, because of neuroplasticity and because of emotional trauma healing work, we can actually heal and become more secure, and that's really what I focus on in my work with my clients. Okay, so the next one is disorganized. So disorganized or fearful avoidant, whichever one you like to call. Or I heard a new term which is called hybrid, which has zero charge, zero negative charge at all. So feel free to take that one on if that feels great.
Speaker 1:No, I want that negative, that like Right, I like the most fucked up quadrant in the four square.
Speaker 2:Right. So everyone can feel a lot of shame if they have it right. So in Kett instead we can use the word hybrid. So hybrid is a combination of anxious and avoidant, kind of combined at the same time. So you, I love really talking about the root cause, which is because it really helps understand it and have compassion on a deep level, which is your primary caregiver or your parents. We're both a source of love and a source of panic and fear.
Speaker 2:And so that could mean sexual abuse. That could mean physical, emotional abuse, it could mean conflict or chaos in the family. It could mean a lot of moving around. So there was some chaotic environment that you grew up in and that can be quite confusing to the child to have a parent be loving on the one hand but then also abusing and invading boundaries emotional, energetic boundaries with the emotional or the physical abuse, or even watching one parent abuse the other parent. It's also still that chaos and that confusion of wow how love is not safe. For me, love is not safe if you have that growing up. So that is exactly a big thing to heal and it is possible to become more secure and to work through those disparate parts that both want love on the one hand but also are very afraid of it on the other hand.
Speaker 1:So the way that one shows up is you can kind of have the traits of both the avoidant and the anxious it has. And it just sort of depends on the situation who you're with. And this is the one that I was, and triggers.
Speaker 2:When you get triggered you might go more into avoidant because one relationship I was in there would be a lot of close physical intimacy and that would actually create then the avoidant to come out because it was so much intensity of the physical intimacy.
Speaker 2:So, then it would feel very jarring for me because I felt like, oh wait, we were so close and now there's all this distance or it can show up. I would say I want to kind of the disorganized can show up. What I've noticed is it can show up if you're acting it out. So I think this is a really important distinction with all the attachment styles that I found is so helpful for my clients, which is you can have the feeling of like I want to fucking get out of here, run for the hills like I'm way too close to this person, and then you can not act on the feeling or you can act on it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So it might be like, wow, I really want to push this person away and say mean things oh, wow, that's that part of me that's disorganized. That's like, ooh, that would feel so good. Or I can just like breathe through this and like self-regulate and let myself resource and nurture this part of me that's really, really scared right now. And so that is one of the biggest distinctions between being anxious, avoidant or disorganized and being secure is actually regulating, is having the awareness to not do the behavior and instead, you know, regulate and do the secure move instead. And so that takes a lot of work, a lot of consciousness, a lot of self-awareness, a lot of healing, but it's totally possible.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's a really, really important is to is that I think there's sometimes this illusion that like, oh, it'll go away and I'll never have the feeling or the urge or the whatever Like. Yes, it's like we have the neuroplasticity, but we also have like the, the neurological grooves, that's like it's always available. It's just like yeah, we can then start choosing more often like other other patterns of their pathways. Yeah, and the disorganized is a disorganized.
Speaker 2:Yeah that's.
Speaker 1:That was definitely my, my quadrant, yeah, yeah. And so I'm like, oh, I could do all the things and a lot of things you said have like the growing up. I'm like, yeah, that's, I think like checked like half of those. You know, we moved around a lot. Yeah, I saw some shit between my parents and then it was like they said they loved me, but then why would they, you know, ignore me? And with the, it was just a lot of yeah.
Speaker 1:And so it's been like a good amount of work to get more into that like secure, which, yeah, yeah, maybe I want to describe like what are some of the treats or the gold standard of attachment secure attachment. Yeah, and then you know, are there actually these humans that like they, just they show up in this, like is it like a unicorn?
Speaker 2:Does it really exist or yeah, that's so funny that you say that, because it was literally just the other night. Someone was saying that they actually didn't think anyone was secure and I had to.
Speaker 2:I let them know because I think it's important to know that there are really people who are you know, like mostly secure, because I do people's attachment quizzes and I see, all you know, rarely have a client that comes in that's like 85% secure. That is pretty secure. And those people, exactly they had the good enough parenting. Both parents were emotionally available, both parents were there for them when they needed them. Both parents had their back, both parents were tuned at least 50% of the time. And so then they're able, like the thing that's so cool I think about the secure attachment is and they talk about this and the attached book, which is like the threat response is so much lower. So they just have such a more abiding sense of trust and peace and calm in their system. And this is why people I was thinking about something this morning but I think it's so fascinating, which is which is, I really think all the movies about love condition us to go for excitement, like we should be choosing the most exciting person, most exciting connection.
Speaker 2:But if you're actually wanting secure attachment, then the choice might be the most calm, safe, regulated, like person who has your back, which might not be as exciting, and so in so the secure. So, just so everyone knows, yeah, this person who's mostly secure, they're going to be chilled. They're going to be calm. They might not be there. There's not the highs and the lows, there's not the drama, and so this can be unnerving. Actually, for people who are used to the highs and lows, it can be confronting. It actually might not make you feel calm. At first. You might feel like a wild horse that's like can't like be regulated because you're like wait, this is like weird and so like might want to push away from the secure person because it's so strange.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was like yeah, like it's more. It's strange because it's like it's not necessarily that they're not, maybe not exciting, they're just exciting, possibly in a completely different way. That's out of like the realm. It's like there's not that drama. Yeah, like I actually this past weekend I went to a party and I was where I have a coach that I work with and she was like go and see if you can actually meet and talk to some healthy couples that like actually have a healthy way of relating. They might be kind of boring to you, but like try to get like that flavor of energy and just see what it's like. And so I was like I'm like okay, let me actually go and try and talk to cut, which to me is like this seems like weird, like why am I going to try to talk to cut?
Speaker 1:but I'm just like made an effort, actually talked to like a few couples and there's like this one couple that they're just like yeah, we've been together like a few years, you know, after a month and was just like this is the person and I like we just we're just always open to like whatever the other person and exploring and you know it's like they, or wasn't that? I'm like there's not that tension of, okay, what's the other person doing and is that okay with me? Yeah, so they were. I'm like, oh, there's just not that drama of like the usual couples or you know weird pairings that I was used to usually being around, where it's like oh, this is my.
Speaker 1:My flavor of this is how couples relate is like one's worried that the other's going to do something and they're like yeah you got to be conforming to me so that you, you know, reinforce the bubble that I want us to have, not the one that we agreed on ever. We never talked about it. And it was just like oh, they're, yeah, it was just like that's. They were very different than what I was used to seeing and operating as, and I'm like ooh okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Okay, these people do exist and I want to be one of these people like yay, that's.
Speaker 2:That's one of the reasons that I, when I first conceived in my podcast, that was the one of the main things I wanted to do was bring on secure, functioning, healthy, conscious of all evolutionary couples that are, you know, secure and also in a growth mindset. And so if anyone is listening and wants because sometimes you don't have people in your community who are around you, close by, that you can talk to I highly recommend going through and listening to the couple interviews in my podcast, because, and for you, because they're just exactly. It's like the vibration there's a vibration of like trust and also growth and also peace and also like erotic connection. Right, everyone wants the emotional connection. That's all the research says.
Speaker 2:The most healthy, secure, happy couples have a really it's, it's based on the emotional connection. But then I would argue also, which I think is left out in the attachment literature which, yeah, frustrates me which is that the erotic connection is equally as important and is truly something that you want to keep cultivating, keep growing and, you know, keep putting your attention on, just like the emotional connection, and they're all interconnected. That's the other thing. That's ridiculously true.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well they're also separate.
Speaker 1:So yeah, I think that's is that they, they can be maybe for most people that, but they don't necessarily have to be yes, and so I think sometimes that can end up being a point of content where they're again. It's sort of like the having the conversation is like there's the assumption of like of like. Well, if there's like emotional love, then all this other shit has to come with it.
Speaker 1:You know the physical eroticism and maybe even like the living together and it's like, well, maybe this is just like a really good buddy, but then there's no one to that. Like erotic flavor Orange, yeah, yeah, yeah. I find funny is if I've learned that for most people it's like I really want to like freak some, freak somebody out. I could just tell them I love them. They're like, because it's like there's so much baggage attached to that, like I love you, that it's like, oh my gosh, that means this person wants to move in, they want to be my own Marry me Totally.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and it's just like. Well, it doesn't have to mean all that.
Speaker 2:Everyone has their own meaning to it. Like I've gotten in the habit of like talking about it before saying it, because I think everyone has their own meaning to what I love you means, and so it's like kind of really important to share about that first before. But OK, I want to share just real quick, just talking about the erotic piece being an erotic blueprint coach and just for anyone who's listening, the erotic blueprints are the kind of similar to the attachment styles, but the way we're wired around our erotic, it's our map, our erotic map inside of our body, our blueprint of eroticism inside of our body. And so I love the erotic blueprints because they actually explain what that piece of like you could have an amazing emotional connection and feel really loving and safe and connected and communicative. But if your erotic blueprints are vastly different, then you're speaking a different language in the bedroom and it's going to be really hard to connect.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so that can help people so much learning about their erotic.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because there might be a lot of people listening. You know now going like erotic, you guys are just talking about fucking right, Like just you know, putting, putting, putting something into a hole, putting a thing into a hole, and it's like maybe, but also not necessarily and this is where the erotic blueprint, I think, really comes in handy of like it can be that, but then also it doesn't have to be that there's like these dimensions that might have nothing to do with with objects going into holes whatsoever, Totally.
Speaker 2:Yeah, do you want?
Speaker 1:to give the rundown on.
Speaker 2:So yeah, I'll do a quickie. Which is energetic blueprint. Always love to start with energetic, the energetic.
Speaker 1:They're the least likely to want to do a quickie, by the way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly the least likely to do. Because they love presence, emotional connection, tease, anticipation. They're really usually have a really subtle touch, so they're touched, they can feel different layers of energy and they love a lot of times they love Tantra or they can have an orgasm just from looking at someone or just feel orgasmic energy throughout their entire body, and so this is an amazing. For anyone who isn't high in energetic blueprint. This is an amazing blueprint to really open up and expand into, and so it's quite common that one partner is high and, just so everyone knows similar to anxious, avoidant. It's quite common that one person in a partnership, especially a marriage or long-term relationship, will find this very common. One person is energetic and one person is high in sexual blueprint, and the sexual blueprint, as opposed to the energetic blueprint, is turned on by sex penetration orgasm, very direct, very like, can go from zero to 100 very quickly in terms of their arousal.
Speaker 1:There's some nipples and dicks, let's go. Yeah, exactly what do I have to do?
Speaker 2:Love, certainty and frequency of sex. So it's almost on an opposite end to the energetic. So of course opposites attract, and the other thing with attracts is what we need to learn from the other. So of course the sexual is attracted to the energetic, because if they learn the energetic then they're just like so much more whole. But if the energetic kind of expands into the sexual, then there are even more whole as well, and so. But the problem is it can create a lot of disconnection when you don't expand into each other's blueprints, you don't understand each other's blueprints, and then it creates this conflict. Yeah, ok, going back to the other blueprints, do you have anything to say?
Speaker 1:No, ok, I'm right, I'm riding the ride.
Speaker 2:We're riding the wave of the. I'm a pile of garbage.
Speaker 1:I'm being being a sexual Like I don't care when or where, let's just do it. Let's just keep going. Let's just keep going. Let's get to get to the end.
Speaker 2:OK, let's OK. So then let's go to the key blueprint, because you just see a little bit yeah.
Speaker 2:So the key blueprint is turned on by taboo. There's psychological kink and sensual kink. The psychological kink might be turned on by power dynamics, dominance and submission. Sensual, sensual kink is more about flogging or rope tie or hair pulling, slapping things like that, scratching and the. The kinky blueprint is very creative and very turned on by taboo and it can be kind of there can be shame associated with the kinky blueprint because it's a little bit underground in our society. So it's not that like common that people in normal day society just talk about being kinky or what their kinks are, and so there's a lot of shadow there and so some people don't really know a lot of people.
Speaker 2:I didn't know that I was kinky until I became an erotic blueprint coach and I started do. I did my erotic blueprint quiz online and I noticed that kinky was the lowest blueprint in my stack and so I was like, oh, I need to shift that, I need to explore what that is, I need to expand into it, because that's the kind of person I am. I want to be like as whole and like well, that's really kind of the shape shifter part of me, I think, but we'll go into that in a second, so, anyway. So then I discovered through trying out the kinky blueprint that I was incredibly kinky and I had no idea, and that was like literally finding a whole new side of my personality that I had never discovered. And so that's one of the coolest things about the blueprints erotic blueprints is it can show you places to explore and expand into.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because it's like the, the, the kinky you said is taboo, and so that really almost has to do with what's taboo for for you not necessarily, and so if you came from a really repressed background, it might just be like I don't know what about doggy style, like I don't know, is that is? That seems very wrong, you know, and, and that might be the start of like, a big part of like, you know, the kinky part of you. They could expand into more stuff, but maybe it doesn't even have to, maybe it's just like maybe it's just a little bit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, a new position, exactly.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so I do encourage anyone who's kind of like. The other thing is I had a judgment that kinky people were only people who had sexual trauma and sexual abuse and who were trying to master their trauma. And so I learned through my erotic blueprint training that that's not necessarily true, that you can be kinky without having any sexual trauma in your history, and I also discovered that, as any human growing up as a child with parents, there's going to be like kind of a power over Like there's going to be authority stuff which is you get to play with, with dominance and submission, and so most humans have kind of a joy in playing with authority stuff because they experienced authority stuff growing up, because you had a parent telling you what to do all the time.
Speaker 2:So you might really want to like be in that dominant role or you might want to be in the submissive role and just let go and really go deeper into that role of being told what to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's like we all have these parts, because sometimes like, yeah, we do want to like, I want to be in charge. And then I was like I just want to chill out and just tell me what to do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally Exactly. So that leads us to the shape shifter. So the shape shifter is turned on by all the different blueprints Sensual, which we'll talk about in a moment Sexual, energetic, kinky and they like to have experiences. They like a lot of stimulation. So they like to have sexual experiences where all of the blueprints are being touched. Or sometimes they're shape shifter so they change. So one night it might be kinky, one night it might be energetic, one night it might be all of them. And so if you have a partner who's a shape shifter, they're really going to. They have kind of a big appetite for sexuality and they also have a big appetite for having these different blueprints being touched upon, and so it's really important to help them be fed in their different blueprints. I would say that's going to really make the happiest partner, because if a shape shifter is only being fed in one or two blueprints, it's going to cause some lack of erotic, full erotic satisfaction. I would say.
Speaker 1:Yeah and it's, and it really is one of the sort of like the the more you can satisfy the other persons, then they're going to be that much more excited to satisfy your stuff and it ends up being a cycle of yumminess.
Speaker 2:Totally yeah. So it's like it's for the sexual person.
Speaker 1:It's like you know, buy it. Just buy a couple of candles for your energetic and you know, find, find some station and and then you know, don't come in with your angry vibes.
Speaker 2:No, do not.
Speaker 1:And then you'll get to go buck wild and have exactly what. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Totally the yeah, yeah, the setting, the contacts, the emotional energy yeah, the energetic blueprint person is going to really be picking up on that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then the last one is the sensual blueprint, which is really turned on by touch, close contact kind of. They love dance, massage or not, sorry, dance, but dance is a form of close contact of bodies. They love this like a beautiful sunset, and the environment in which the sexual act is taking place is really important, so that really helps calm their nervous system. So something that's really helpful is energetics need to feel safe to be turned on and sensuals need to be relaxed to be turned on Interesting yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh all of that. Well, there's probably a little bit of safety involved in I don't know, relaxing if I don't feel safe.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Totally exactly yeah. So it's all super connected, Exactly yeah.
Speaker 1:I love it. Yeah, and yeah, and I think you can get the. You can do like a little quiz online to find out your own blueprint.
Speaker 2:I think you just probably Google erotic blueprint and the, the, the, the, the erotic blueprint quiz and you can take the quiz online and then, if you work with me as your coach for erotic blueprints I work with mostly couples, but also individuals we do the erotic blueprint body quiz, and that quiz is even more accurate because the quiz you take online is with your mind and the body quiz we do it with your body, and so it's a really beautiful way to have your partner really understand your turn on even more and that's a really fun thing, and I also teach that at my erotic blueprint workshops as well.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's fun yeah.
Speaker 2:So you can look on my, on my. I actually have a different website for my erotic blueprint work, which is called bold and vividcom, and so I I announced those workshops there.
Speaker 1:So so, turning back to the, the attachment styles. So, kind of. One question that I'm kind of is yeah, I've, it's like I shared that the disorganized store can be both anxious and also avoidant, depending on I don't know a lot of things. I made great strides through lots of coaching, lots of therapy, lots of introspection, meditation, qigong all plant medicines all sorts of things that I talk about in my my engineered to love book that I wrote that came out last.
Speaker 2:This was it only in May, okay, anyway, yeah.
Speaker 1:And so like I'm like I like to put it that like I'm at I'm the most secure I've ever been. Yet I'm curious Sometimes, I wonder. I'm like I was just kind of wondering this today. I'm like is are some of the? Are there some behaviors Cause? Again, like you said, there's sort of like the opposites and sometimes it's really hard to tell. Like the distinctions is like, are some of the things that I'm doing? Are they like? Are they am I really operating in a secure way or is it my disorganized?
Speaker 1:and there's still like a little bit of yeah, cause I'll probably text messaging text messaging is probably where, like it's like when I text message somebody, I I'll still put like a good amount of effort into like crafting it in a way. That's like I want to get my message across and I want it to land well, and all of this, and then it's like there's still a little bit of that like, but I'm able to usually like, okay, just let it go.
Speaker 1:They could be. There could be a million reasons why they don't, and then you know. Then sometimes it's like I get something, you know, get a message or whatever, and like I'll read it. And then, with like the read receipts, sometimes I'm like I'll try to get a preview. It's like I don't want them to know that I saw it, cause maybe I don't want to deal with this right now. I'm like I don't, yeah, I don't even want to, I don't even want to deal with it, and it could just be something of like very mundane and yeah, so that right there, wait, wait, wait, let's, can we hone in on that?
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, so you don't want them. So that is to me, that's controlling behavior. So you don't want them to see that you've seen it or wait, there's it's like there's a lot to unpack so you don't want them to see that you've seen it, because then you would feel bad that you're not responding right away.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, yeah, cause it's.
Speaker 2:I've been kind of trying to go ahead To me there's like a lot of control in there instead of secure communication, which would be like you could read it, and to me, the secure communication would just be like if you really couldn't, you know, get back to them or didn't want to, you could, hey, just wait until you know. But to me, like, yeah, I try to. I do think secure communication is responding with you know are. I think most people, people prefer that you respond within 24 hours to a text message, like if, if we pooled people, I think that would be people's desire, right, cause we all want responsive communication and so. But some people, yeah, it's like their wait time would be like two out, like some people's attachment system. They're like no, like I want someone to respond within two hours, but I would say like in general in terms of friendships and everything anyways, and so you could wait to like say, someone texts you in the morning, you text them in the evening, right, and that would be within the 24 hours.
Speaker 2:In my opinion, that's like very secure. You're like responding that same day, or if you. But if you couldn't respond, you could just say, hey, like, got your message, we'll respond in a couple of days. I'm like super swamped with work or whatever right, and so that's secure communication and that's letting them know that you heard them but you're not actually able to respond right now. So that's really secure behavior, in my opinion. And it's interesting all the ways that we control, I think, with with codependency, which we all have and which is more from the anxious attachment we do. Anxious attachment tends to do some manipulative, controlling things, because they want the connection to be feel good to the other person, they want the connection to feel like the other person likes them and da, da, da, da, da da right. And so then I think the secure behavior is coming from, like this internal sense of groundedness inside of, like this is my, this is what I'm available for, this is what I'm, this is my truth, this is, you know, I'm just responding and it's not that big of a deal.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So that's just something to kind of like feel into, like is this part of me wanting to control the connection in some way or is this part of me wanting to just authentically express or like that? To me, that would be the choice point is like what's my coming inside and being like, what's my authentic expression here? That is going to also be able to connect with where they're at and listen and respond. Because emotional responsiveness, responsiveness in general to me is secure behavior, right, which is why I did a whole TEDx talk about emotional responsiveness, because I was actually at that point that I did that TEDx. I was in a relationship with someone that wasn't emotionally responsive, and so I was learning this deep lesson around how powerful and important it is to have that emotional responsiveness in relationship, and so, yeah, yeah, I think I saw it's all good, yeah.
Speaker 1:So I think kind of what I maybe I'm picking up a little bit on is yeah.
Speaker 1:Um, it's like I'm. I'm in that transition because there's like, there is times where it's like I am like boom, I'm in my zone of like I'm good and whatever, and it can't, but then other times it's like I have to. You know, there's the, there's the old feelings, you know, come fold feelings, old responses, and it's like, oh, I have to work with that and it's work, it's like it's effort, and so sometimes there's just a little bit of like well, now I have to, yeah, I have to, consciously like, put some, take a moment, do that, and that's work. And so sometimes like, okay, I'll do that, and what I found that's interesting, I think, in some ways, is that secure people don't give a shit about any of this, like it doesn't bother them one way or the other, and so it's totally so it's like I'd say, like my good friends and other people, that they're now secure, and so it's like I get that model and and it really filters out the people that have more of an issue.
Speaker 1:Exactly, yeah, so you know the other thing.
Speaker 2:And to bring into the conversation because I love. I mean, for me it's like polarity, attachment and erotic blueprints are kind of my base in terms of romantic relationship and the other thing in terms of like. I love what you said around, like if you're texting with someone that you're dating, like you might take a moment and like craft it, because For women, women love a man who can lead right. The leadership piece is so sexy and we don't even have to. I love how my friend talks about like we don't need to say the words math and feminine, we can just say leadership, right, like A man leading in dating and relationship. It doesn't end when you're in a relationship.
Speaker 2:By the way, super important I think is for most women Such a turn on. Why? Because it allows us to relax into our bodies more and allows us to surrender more and allows us to feel safer, and so sometimes that might take a minute to craft right. If you're more like, oh, I need to think about which, which places to lead her to, like where, which you know what date ideas like, etc. Etc. So I think there's a real piece, no matter how secure you are, and like actually crafting a message that has some kind of leadership to it that's going to really call her into Her feeling safe and her feeling like you've got something handled and that us seeing that in you is like oh like. Just it's literally, I feel like biological, like our whole nervous system just feels so good with that leadership and planning qualities.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's, it's been. I've been amazed, like in the past year there's been definitely several women that I've dated that they were just like it was so nice that you like Picked a place to meet up and go and I just I just had to show up like and I'm just like really like what is this like? That's our society.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I'm remembering back to before I like kind of started studying like, like dating, or it was just like what do you, what do you want to do? Do you want to get together? Where would you like to go? When are you and where? Now I'm just like hey, let's get together Tuesday 7pm. Let's meet in this part of the city.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Then it's either yes, that works, or no, no it doesn't or. Oh well, this, this, these days work instead. It's like it gets things going, but it shows like leadership and yeah.
Speaker 2:It's very, very sexy and it's right. It's like kind of this old school, traditional, kind of 50s thing that, like women still really, really want to feel yeah, and it makes me sad that that has been lost in our, in our, you know, I'm a total, by the way, I'm a total feminist. I grew up with a total feminist mom and I still and I'm incredibly powerful in the world and I still love what a man is leading right and so you can have.
Speaker 2:It's not it's. You know, I am powerful in my feminine and I think a lot of women before for me, before doing work around cultivating my feminine qualities of receptivity and surrender and relaxation and really receiving and like, allowing and just being right to me, those are all feminine qualities and we could call we don't even need to use the word feminine, we could just call them something else, whatever. But if you, before cultivating those qualities and understanding and diving deeper, I didn't realize that that's just as powerful, right, it's not not powerful like.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's incredibly powerful exactly. It's just as powerful, it's just a totally different energy, and so yeah, yeah, oh it's, it's beautiful, yeah, and the thing is it's like all of us like I want to hear you talk about how powerful it is.
Speaker 2:Let's hear.
Speaker 1:Well, all of it, when all of us actually have these like powers and it's really more about like using it, like you were talking about with the erotic blueprints, where it's like, oh, I want to like explore all the blueprints it's like we should be able to explore, like you know Feminine masculine and feminine feminine, which could be also be. I went to one workshop where the terms used were like presence and surrender, and then what was the other? Penetration, and I can't remember the other term.
Speaker 2:But yeah, yeah, totally yeah, and it's like yeah, or young is a great way. Like young, that's so clear. Like in this, like this, this receptivity, and this is in all of nature we have it's. It's not this concept that someone created. This is literally happening all throughout nature.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and I like structure, structure structure flow, yeah, totally yeah, flow is amazing because it's like that's creativity, that's life, that's movement, that's creation. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's so sexy and hot, like without polarity, that flatness is just so for me. I find it just really kind of boring in romance because, yeah, about the polarity that just creates a lot of turn on in my system. And and you know, I think yeah, I don't know I think for most human that's the case that just polarity, whether it's whatever way it is, no matter your gender, it's not gender specific it just creates so much turn on and chemistry and that's what people are wanting to feel in relationship. They're wanting to feel that's like the spark that everyone is dying for.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and, like you said, yeah, and it's the polarity. Doesn't matter who's doing which pole Exactly, and sometimes that can be fun. And especially, yeah, playing with your kink side of like, exactly like, all right, baby, I want, you want, I want you to massage me down and I'm just gonna feel on the flow and yeah, totally, and then switch it up and yeah, exactly, and like, if you think about, like, even in groups there's always a leader, like groups can hardly ever be Functional without a leader, and so there's something so powerful about the this, this thing.
Speaker 2:that's just so natural. But because of, you know, feminism we've all, and not again, not to just feminism at all, but because of feminism women have become, you know, we can be be very independent, we can be so Defended, we can be so hard in our bodies. Also, because of sexual harassment. We can become very hardened in our hearts and our bodies and we're just trying to protect ourselves and we're just trying to be safe in this world.
Speaker 2:Yeah like I went to a grocery store the other night before this party and I was wearing this like sequin outfit and it was like I had all this energy from all this unwanted energy from Men, and I was like, oh, remind me to never wear this outfit again at a grocery store, like I'm constantly having to shut down my body and not feel safe because of the unwanted attention, and so there's a lot of that that happens, and so then women can learn to just be more shut down and not open in our bodies. But unfortunately that creates this almost more kind of masculine protection energy, and that's why cultivating feminine energy is so powerful, and something that I really teach in my Rewire for Love program is you know how to be both discerning with men or whoever you're attracted to, and also be open. It's like a really, really potent combination that is not easy to embody.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it really is that discernment, that being open but also skillful of like. Where is that? Where are you going to point that openness? Yes don't shut down, just don't point it at certain types of people, because you can always just point it at yourself.
Speaker 2:you can always like flow and be open with yourself and I love that and it's like being open but not necessarily allowing someone all the way in, because I think for for M pass and HSPs like for me I am.
Speaker 1:I'm so open that high sense of people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, highly sensitive people. It's like if you're really open and you're in a feminine body, you can allow someone in energetically, even very quickly. And that happens a lot with anxious attachment, where women, you know, have one date and they get, and they make out or something and they get super attached and then the guy doesn't call back or whatever and they're like devastated and then they don't want to keep dating and they lose their dating resilience because they get so, so jaded by that kind of thing. And so you know, what I teach is how to, what I teach but also support people in, because having a support person, a coach, is so powerful to really like keep holding that candle for you and working through whatever comes up in these experiences. But this, how much do you let someone in? I think is really also like being open hearted and feeling your feelings and your sensations and expressing your vulnerabilities, but also like having that aperture be at a healthy, healthy, healthy amount so that you can Stay regulated through the dating process.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love. I love that because I think it really is the more we sort of take responsibility of like well, what can I do to modulate my experience Instead of what it seems like our society's decided is? Well, let's just change the environments, let's make it like a nerf world so there's no sharp edges, no one ever has to worry because it's all going to be safe. You can't, you know one can get hurt. Yet that means that if there's no sharp edges, there's no way of getting penetrated. And Like that's half the fun. Like is being penetrated by the world, whether it's right.
Speaker 1:Whether it's by whether it's by somebody's you know physical appendage, or just by like a beautiful sunset or like some beautiful music or what it looks like oh my gosh, what was that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and literally impossible, and dating to take out the risks. There are risks, like the whole game is okay, we're here to fall in love, but if you want to have like zero risk, you're not going to fall in love, right, and so you have to have the risk in order to fall in love. So then how do we do that in a safe and secure way? And so that's really, really, you know, a big thing that I teach people, because a lot of the clients that come to me have had like decades or 10 years or five years or 20 years of continually choosing the wrong person who is not actually safe for them, and then it feels like this pattern is never going to change.
Speaker 2:Yeah and so being able to learn how to discern well, but also stay in the game, because if you leave the dating game you're it's going to be really hard to meet someone in this world where most people are working online and not going out and or not like going as much to new events to meet people, and so it's it's harder to just like not to just do nothing these days than when we and meet your person, whereas if you were living, we were living in tribes and we were seeing each other every day at like the sewing place and the grocery store and the you know same chiropractor that we all went to like. It's a lot easier to meet someone naturally before than it is now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it just takes effort.
Speaker 2:Yes, exactly, Online dating, offline dating exactly effort.
Speaker 1:It's worth it, because then you get to have the experience as opposed to not. Yeah, it's easier when you start learning some tools and getting some feedback and getting these perspectives, because usually we just keep doing what we've always done and we keep getting what we got.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And then we're just like, why isn't it working? It's like, well, actually it is working. Like you want security, you've got it. It's like there's a security and a safety and knowing that like, oh, if I'm with this type of person, I'm going to have this type of experience, as shitty as it is. It's like we humans are wired to just want something knowable because it's like well, if it's knowable, then that means I'm probably not going to die Totally, that's so right, and so the unavailability pattern which I'm writing an entire book on.
Speaker 2:I've already written the book, it's just getting it published as the next piece. But that unavailability, exactly, you're so used to and this was me 100% like so used to the unavailability that it's familiar and comfortable even though at the same time it's very uncomfortable and painful, exactly.
Speaker 2:And so but yeah, that's somehow safe for the nervous system because it's familiar and the unsafe thing might be unavailable person and the unsafe available person might be unsafe because you did have a traumatic experience with an available person. For example, for me I was in a six-year relationship. That was the most secure, safest relationship, but it ended with him cheating on me. So in my mind the available person ended up to be the most unsafe person. So then my mind got tracked with availability equals unsafety.
Speaker 2:So, we're all just. Our love patterns can be really complex and unconscious and that's why every individual, I found, has such a different love map that we have to kind of untangle and unravel and then it's like their system is able to open to a healthy person again, or for the first time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and they can write their own map in a way of the works for them. Yeah, yeah it's beautiful Totally. I love that. Well, any last words before we've been going for a while. It's been fantastic, can you say anything before we wrap up Maya.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would love to just offer, if anyone is interested in working together in my Rewire for Love program, my Women's Coaching program, or one-on-one with me I also do my Rewire for Love program in a one-on-one context as well for men and women you can go to empowerloveus forward slash, apply to book your free Love Breakthrough session and on that call we're going to find out like where you are now in your love life.
Speaker 2:You're going to find out your blockages and what it would look like to work together in the program or one-on-one and really how I can really help you shift these patterns. And so that's a really. If you're curious about working together, I definitely encourage you to book that call. And also, if you're interested in working with me as a couple in the Erotic Blueprint or the emotional attachment work, definitely you can just email me at info at empowerloveus to book a call with me around that. And, yeah, just encourage everyone to go down these journeys and really explore for yourself what feels exciting and interesting and like whatever felt, like an impulse as I was talking, like whatever is your body and your mind and your heart and your spirit are drawn to to really go deeper, because we did cover a lot of different topics, so I encourage everyone to go deeper into anything that felt juicy.
Speaker 1:We definitely did and appreciate it. And yeah, if you're interested, reach out to Maya. The links and stuff will be in the show notes or you can also contact me on social media. I'm Justin Wink, phd on LinkedIn, tiktok. What are the other ones? Instagram, facebook or you can also email me. Podcast at justinwinkcom. So I want to thank Maya once again, so much for being here. Appreciate it so much and thank you guys for listening. Do remember to like, follow, subscribe and with that we'll see you next time. Yeah, thank you and good day.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much, Justin.