Engineering Emotions and Energy with Justin Wenck, Ph.D.
Ep 43: From Anger to Feeling the Love You Want
Feb 12, 2021Season 1Episode 43
Justin Wenck
Do you feel like you're broken because it can be challenging to love others, even the people where it "should" come easily?
You're not broken!
Love and compassion become easier with practice just like any other action.
But why practice? How to practice?
I answer all these questions in my latest podcast so that you can have less stress, better health, and more love in your life, even if that love is just for yourself.
Check out my best-selling book "Engineered to Love: Going Beyond Success to Fulfillment" also available on Audiobook on all streaming platforms! Go tohttps://www.engineeredtolove.com/to learn more!
Got a question or comment about the show? E-mail me at podcast@justinwenck.com.
Do you feel like you're broken because it can be challenging to love others, even the people where it "should" come easily?
You're not broken!
Love and compassion become easier with practice just like any other action.
But why practice? How to practice?
I answer all these questions in my latest podcast so that you can have less stress, better health, and more love in your life, even if that love is just for yourself.
Check out my best-selling book "Engineered to Love: Going Beyond Success to Fulfillment" also available on Audiobook on all streaming platforms! Go tohttps://www.engineeredtolove.com/to learn more!
Got a question or comment about the show? E-mail me at podcast@justinwenck.com.
Welcome to the engineering emotions and energy podcast. I'm your host, Justin Wenck. Today, we are going to be talking about love. Oh, yeah. And compassion. And if you're wondering like, just in your voice, it sounds a sense a little deeper, sounds a little raspy or what's going on? Are you just? Are you just in the mood? Or do you have something with your throat? Well, I strained my voice from, from yelling, I had, I had a lot of anger when I woke up this morning. And I just had to yell at the top of my lungs, and you're like, Justin, should you be should you be doing an episode on love and compassion, when just just earlier in the day, you were so filled with anger? Absolutely, this is the exact time to do an episode on love and compassion, because you need it the most when you're the furthest from it. And all these things, they are on a spectrum, they are not separate, we so often think that there's love versus hate, there's light versus dark, there's anger versus love. Love is the opposite of so many negative emotions. So really, it is just at the same end of the spectrum, there are different ends of the same spectrum of love. So that is why we need to talk about how we get to that more loving side of the spectrum. That is opposite of the anger side of the spectrum. So buckle up, cuz you're about to ride the rollercoaster of love my friends. And you might be wondering, like, Hey, I have lots of love, like, I don't need this. Well, do you love everybody at all times? Or there's some people that I know the fuck out of you? Or maybe you're a person that's just like, Justin, I get annoyed by people all the time. I've just accepted it. I'm just going to be a miserable Grinch type person, why should I even care? Well, we've got answers for all of you. So why was I so angry this morning. So couple things. And so this is this is where the awareness and this is where looking back? The only benefit is to basically, you know, learn the introspection, where could I have gone better, and move on and move forward and then be better in the future not to just relive and have regrets. So I've definitely learned. So a couple a couple things happened. So one is for the past past couple of months. In my my relationship with my wife, I've been feeling like I haven't been understood, like I haven't been heard, like I haven't been listened to. And this is one of those things that in some regard, one of the basic things of heat that humans really, really require want to have is that feeling that you you exist, and that you're seen, and that you belong, and to not have that to feel is effectively like a sense of abandonment, which is so criticism and rejection or abandonment are basically the two of the largest fears like if there's anything you're not doing with your life, it's likely because you fear either people abandon you or you're afraid of criticism. And the makers of cartoons know this that's why just about every single Disney cartoon, they kill off one of the parents and you know the protagonist is effectively abandoned one way or another by their parent and they have to go on a search and find find something. So this really is gets to the core of what it means to be a seen felt heard human being. And so when we're, you know, healthy and we have a lot of connections and things like that, but you know, in this pandemic environment, we have been shaken up and a lot of those ties that we have to other people are alive. They've been stretched, strained, ripped apart, and they're just either not there or they're not as strong and often I know I this happens to me and I believe it happens to many other people. Is that when we get the most stressed out that's when it can be the hardest to reach out to those other people that we know we know they love us. We know that they care for us we know that they help out whenever whenever asked just when it's the most needed. That's the time we do not reach out or at least I have not and maybe you can relate or you know someone who does. Either way. What happens is it that can be painful. And couple that with I recently did a visit to see my parents and these these are the people that I really like When I first learned that you can be surrounded with people and feel a certain soul crushing loneliness, that you're you're not seen for who you are, that you gotta, you got to put on a show so that you don't get smashed. And I usually don't see my parents very often because I don't like to. And I know my dad listens to this. And you might be going like, what shit Justin, you know, your dad listens to this, like, you know, why don't why are you gonna, because what, what I learned is that. And you'll, you'll realize this, if you haven't realized this already. And you know, as you hear me talk about it, you'll see that it is something that really, you'll find that feels right, that people are going to feel how they are going to feel regardless of what you do, or you don't do. So you might as well do what makes you happy. Because when you're happy, and you're loving yourself, by seeking your happiness and doing what you were meant to be put on this earth to do and sharing it with your heart and your passion, that you become a beacon of light and hope to the rest of those people around you that are eager to pick up on what you are laying down by man, you're laying out that track and they want to they want to just you know, hitch their trolley onto your track and ride along. And if you spend all your time worrying about a couple people that maybe don't like the track that you're laying down, so you stop laying down track, you're effectively going nowhere, man. And so I've learned, I'm just going to be me, I'm just going to say what, you know, what, what I've what I experience what I've noticed. And so I don't like to spend time with my parents, I really don't, I love them, I want the best for them. But I'm a really smart, talented, brilliant guy, like, you know, like, let's just let's just be honest, I usually I usually feel like shit about myself. I'm recovering from that, getting better and better. But I mean, you know, I have a PhD in electrical engineering, I really fit. I mean, I've traveled the world lived in Germany six months, and the Bali Japan served certified yoga teacher, meditation instructor, like amazing coach using neuro linguistic programming techniques. Like, I could do a whole show, literally just on my ridiculous resume of accomplishment, and cool stuff that I have done. I am like, amazingly accomplished. And yet, when I am around these people that birthed me, I feel like a nobody. And I feel like I'm not heard, like I'm not appreciated. And it's one of those things that they will say they will say nice words. I think there's just some people that even though they seem to be saying the right things, there's just something something off, and you feel like you're not really there's a missed connection of some kind. And it's just, it drains away the energy, the happiness, the whatever. And so, sort of the combination of that being around these people, where it reminded me of the years of, you know, and again, this is my interpretation of the events that happened. And so, if you listen to the episode on forgiveness, you know, and saw the list that I posted, where I did have my, my dad and my mom, and that's just, I don't actually have any blame. I mean, I felt hurt, those are my feelings and those, that's, that's my responsibility to deal with. That there's, there's nothing for them to do about it, they were doing the best that they could with what they got. And this, my friends is where the practice of love and compassion comes in, is because when we experience these challenges, these people that can be difficult. And sometimes these are the people that we love the most, or we want to love the most. Because they're so close and they mean so much that is when the practice of love and compassion comes in. So we know it's not always easy. Why? Because love, compassion. These are verbs people, these are not just innate qualities. These are the things you do like running like weightlifting, like analysis, the more you do it, the better you get, and the better you get the better your results from it. So what are these results? Why even give a shit? Like why not just be like the Grinch and keep stealing Christmas? You know, like he was doing pretty well for a long time going down you know to a little Cindy Lou whose house and taking the candy canes and you know, grabbing the tree and taking it up to his Grinch layer and you know, having a good time like not caring about these people. So Yeah, you know, at the end of the movie, he, he brings it all back sees the smiles, his heart grows four times too big and blows out the heart of the meter. But, you know, that's a cartoon, right? That's not real, or is it? So there's actually a lot of scientific research on the benefits of having compassion and love. You know, one is, it leads to increased happiness. There's studies that a 2010 study by Shapiro mongering that showed they've quantified that you get more happiness, and I don't know about you, I want to be more happy, not less. The other is that you will actually have higher patient survival rates. This has been seen in, you know, settings where there's patients that don't survive, so it can lead to longevity. And so people who practice compassion, they get more tha, which is a hormone that helps counteract the aging process. So if you want to stay young, get your love on. And also, it reduces burnout, and fosters the ability to be much more adaptive. This is a study done by Milton Chapman in 2016. And I want to do a little Dalai Lama, quote, break for y'all, because you want to be happy. And the Dalai Lama says, If you want others to be happy, practice compassion, if you want to be happy, practice compassion, because really, there ends up not being too much difference between you and me. And we were all wishing happiness. So this is why it's really great to if somebody else has something really happy, so great happy. Be happy for them, because you're connected to them. And so their happiness ultimately becomes your happiness. Another great benefit is that it integrates both hemispheres of the brain. So the emotional side and the analytical side of the brain, they actually get integrated during practicing compassion. And it reduces the stress hormone of cortisol by 23%. How cool is that? So there's definitely, definitely some, you know, benefits. And the other thing is that by practicing love and compassion, it broadens our perspective beyond ourselves. So One study showed that a lack of social connection is a greater detriment to health than obesity, smoking, and high blood pressure. On the flip side, if you have strong social connections, that increases your chance of longevity by 50%. And it also shows that there's been research, I mean, sorry, there's research that has shown that depression and anxiety are linked to a state of self focus. A woe is me, what's going on with me? What will happen to me in the future? What did I do wrong in the past, it's me, myself and I, we are having a pity party. And I'll be honest, when I was on, I was angry,
Unknown:
I was upset.
Justin Wenck:
I it was, it was a lot about me. It was like Don't, don't, they don't understand me, Don't they know what they're doing? over with myself, I am angry, I am upset, I am being ignored. But when we shift the focus to someone else, it helps us shift out of the self focus to the other focus. And this leads to more happiness. And this is one of those things that after I was able to experience my rage and my anger, and start to think of, you know, think of my work, think of my wife, think of my parents, I I realize I had I had anger with the situation that I was in, I didn't ever actually have anger with with any of them. Because through practicing compassion over the years, and practicing forgiveness, and trying to put myself in other people's shoes, I try to think, well, if I had lived the life that they had lived up until that very moment, where there was a little disconnection and I got into my I pity party, that I likely would be behaving feeling and thinking the exact same way as them, and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with any of these individuals. And that I make mistakes, they make mistakes, and I totally understand, and I feel for them, and I love them. And, you know, I feel bad that I allowed myself to get in that state where I felt all this, this anger, right, but compassion bring us back the practice of love the practice of compassion can bring us back from that spectrum of anger to the other side of the spectrum, which is lovely, lovely love. So that is the ride on the love roller coaster, my friends. And if it was easier to get the rights on podcast, I would I would love to be playing roller coaster of love by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, because that that that song is a party, my friends, it is just amazing. So I would encourage you to go look that up. Because like first rule and you know small scale podcasting is do not use any copyrighted music materials unless you get the right so you're like, but Justin, you have music bumper music at the beginning, whatever like yeah, that's that's music I went I bought the rights to like I have a piece of paper says Justin Wenck emotions engineering LLC owns the rights to use this for commercial use blah, blah, blah. So Suck it, those, whatever. Anyway, moving on. So hopefully you are now convinced that there is a benefit to having more love and more compassion in your life. But you don't just and
Unknown:
I want it.
Justin Wenck:
I want it so bad. I'll do anything for please.
Unknown:
I will hate.
Justin Wenck:
This is an explicitly rated show. But let's not get that explicit, not necessary. How do I do it? I'm here, I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you. It's, it's like most things, it's simple. yet. It's one of those like over repetition and start small and build up. So the thing is, there's challenging people, and then there's even people that aren't challenging, but just they're challenging at times. And then you have some people, maybe they're not even people, maybe they're animals. Maybe you're an animal lover, maybe you have a pet, whoever that person or creature, or it could be concept that just fills your heart with an outpouring of love and joy. That just, you just, they just come to mind. This could be a parent, a grandparent, it could be a child. It could be someone you love a good friend, I use I use a pet. And so because as we've learned, I can get angry or frustrated with you know, the humans that I'm close with and I care about and love dealing with the best foot. But my cat Julius, oh my gosh, just
Unknown:
he can
Justin Wenck:
do no wrong. I mean, he is just an adorable ball of orange fluff. And he will crawl up on my tummy and he'll get his little paws and he'll he'll need like, like, he's like no kneading pizza dough. It's just, it's just adorable. And that's what comes to mind. Even though you know there's times where, you know, he he meows. And he'll come in from from his litter box with a dingleberry and I'll drop in the floor. And there's a little poop lit and healthy vomit giant hairballs every now and then. But I know it's, it's not his fault. He doesn't want to do that. He can't help it. I love him. So. So that is my seed for the compassion practice. So you get your seed. And you feel that feeling of just deep, beautiful love that you just you can't stop it even if you want it to. You feel it, and then you assign it a color. So you can assign it the color of red or white or blue, whatever color makes you feel good. Because we're we're trying to get to the top of this. Love train rollercoaster, right, we want to get as high off your own supply of love as you can get. And so then picture that, that color associated with that feeling that you have in your heart. And you feel it there. And you see it there. And then you can inhale. And then as it exhales imagine that feeling of love radiating through your entire body. And seeing that color and capsulate your body. And the practice is to just keep expanding that feeling and that color. So you go from your entire body, to your entire room. And if someone's in that room with you, they're included in that feeling of love, no matter who they are. Because this love in this color, it knows no bounds, there's nothing to stop it. You're gonna feel that love and they're included. And you can expand to your entire home and building and then it moves on to your city and everybody in your city, like even that annoying neighbor four to four doors down or that coworker they are included and then expand to the larger to the country. You know your love For your extended family members, they're included. The people that are on the opposite political party, they're included to like this love ball is ginormous, and it is taking over everything. So much so that it's now gone beyond the country. And it's including the world use this feeling of love that just started with that person or creature that you love so much that little heart shaped color has now expanded and includes the world, which includes you, and yourself, and I and your loved one. It's all there. And just enjoy breathing into that amazing, glorious feeling of love and compassion. And then you can let it go, you can go about your day. And practice this as often as you can. Every day you do more than every day. But even if you just do it once a week, or you just do it when you're like, I feel so good just thinking about it. I mean, this was this was lovely, this was amazing. So that is how you go from anger, to love. Just buy a little practice. And the more you do it, the more you hear it, the more you feel it, the easier is going to be and the more you're going to get these benefits of reduced stress, improved health, and things are just going to seem to be a little bit easier with people as you go along with this practice. Because what you put out in the world, is what comes back, we often think that the world is a rough place, or the world is a beautiful place. The truth is the world reflects who we currently are. So if the world's given a shit, chances are, we're taking a big, big like dukey all over it and it's just reflected in it right back thrown right back. But when you're putting sunshine and rainbows and unicorn farts out, you're just going to get cotton candy and delightful gumdrops and rainbow flavored Yum, YUM's, all that delightful stuff. So that's our show for today. We've gone over how you can practice love and compassion, why you want to do it. And I really encourage you give me a shout out, you know, subscribe to this because we're gonna be doing real great shows like this more so and more. So to really help you get the best out of life because I want you to have less stress, better connections and relationships. And I want you to be able to have more impact in the world because you've got some talents, and some abilities and some passions and the world needs you. So hit me up on Facebook, Instagram, Justin Wenck. And again, subscribe. Let me know if you don't like the show, send me an email and tell me what I can do. And if there's something you'd like me to go over again, hit me up. Alright. Talk to you soon and good day.