Ep 52: How to Exit a Relationship

How do you exit a Romantic, Friendship, Family, or Business relationship?

Eventually there's a time where a relationship in one of these areas has run its course. Have you stayed in the relationship longer than you wanted because the pain of exiting the relationship seemed bigger than the pain of staying?

Today I go over how you can exit a relationship more easily and skillfully, which can lead to richer or fulfilling relationships in all areas of your life.

Here are the major points I'll cover:

• Know the reason why YOU are in the relationship
• Understand why THEY are in the relationship
• Communicate the WHY of the relationship early
• Notice changes in the relationship
• Remind or Renegotiate the WHY of the relationship
• Exit the Relationship Honestly, Kindly, and Firmly

It's important to remember that even if you do it "perfectly" the other person still might be unhappy, but like all emotions, this is only temporary. Eventually you will both be happier in the long run, which was likely why you entered into the relationship in the first place.

Got a question or comment about the show? E-mail me at podcast@justinwenck.com. Remember to subscribe so you don't miss the next episode! Then connect with me at  JustinWenck.com, Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn!

Watch the full video episode at Justin Wenck, Ph.D. YouTube Channel!

Check out my best-selling book "Engineered to Love: Going Beyond Success to Fulfillment" also available on Audiobook on all streaming platforms! Go to https://www.engineeredtolove.com/ to learn more!

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Transcript

Justin Wenck: 0:01

Welcome to the engineering emotions energy podcast. I'm your host, Justin Wenck.

Unknown: 0:07

Today, we're

Justin Wenck: 0:08

going to be talking about a very important topic and helping you reduce your stress, increase your energy levels, and be able to live more from your heart, which is what we like to do on this show. The topic of this show is relationships. And usually, it's all about, well, how do I find the right relationship? You know, how do I make my relationship better? This is a little bit like that, except we're focusing on when a relationship has run its course and it is time to exit that relationship. It's a no longer working out the way that maybe it intended, you're just no longer happy you've tried, and it's time to just move along and go your separate ways and, you know, create the space. And I feel this is like a really important time, when I'm recording this, it's springtime time of new life coming out of a very, very tough winter, you know, of 2020. And so, there's a lot of relationships that maybe you've been in way longer than you ever would have thought you'd needed to. Because there's all that fear and all that stuckness you know, in career, and in personal relationships, where like, you know, you're told Don't, don't even leave the house, stay in your little bubble, if you go outside of your bubble, bad things are gonna happen. And so this is really the time where we're starting to see the sunshine starting to see the light of day and thinking like, oh, wait a minute, what, what really works for me, and you might be looking around and going like some of these relationships, some of these friendships, some of these romances, some of these business work relationships, like, I don't, I don't think this is working the way I wanted it to work. And I've been experiencing this for for sure, in my own life where I've, I've run across some relationships where I've had to, you know, go, Hey, I don't think this is working out. And, you know, even though this is something that I've have a lot of experience in, it's, it's a challenge each and every time yet, whenever we go through it, we grow from it, we get much better. So you know, where I come from, in this is, before, before I met my wife, when I was single, is probably for like a year or two, I decided I was I was tired of of settling for just any relationship that I wanted, I wanted a really great relationship, I wanted to find someone that lit me up matched with me really well. And I wanted to enjoy the process. And so I got really good at at dating. And part of being really good at dating is one creating, creating connection, getting to know somebody so you know, if they're a good fit, and then we're not rolling that back and making it no longer a romantic relationship. And I've learned through practice and through study, I'm going to share a lot of these tips with you today. And these things, you know, these worked in my personal dating history. But I've also found that to work with friendships, and also in business, as well. And so I'm going to share these points to you. So that you can, as you're going along, making sure that you have the types of relationships that are helping you grow, help you be happy, help you be satisfied, and are correspondingly offering the same to all those people in your life. Because often we think like, I gotta sacrifice for this other person, which is, you know, why

Unknown: 3:33

should?

Justin Wenck: 3:33

Why should in any relationship, why should somebody be, you know, I mean, there's always going to be things that we want to do or don't want to do when we do stuff but ultimately, we should feel like it's it's a treasure, like it's a gift to be in the situation more often than not, you know, things are gonna come up things are gonna happen. But it's, you know, is it workable, and more and more, you're feeling like you're getting the best end of the bargain. You want to be giving, but you always want to feel like you're still you know, receiving that it's a mutually beneficial relationship that it's symbiotic not well, it's sometimes relationships can start to feel like parasitical. You got a parasite in your life, like and so this is a follow up from previous podcast episode where I was talking about, you know, the squirrels gone wild. And we are focusing today on you know, how to get that squirrel equivalent of a person who has gotten into your your house gotten in your life, and they it's running amok? How do you get out? That's what we're going to be talking about today. So so I'm going to go over, I got I got six, six main points, and I'll run run through them for you. So the first is you want to know why you're in the relationship. You want to understand why the other person's in the relationship, what are they trying to get out of it? Then you want to make sure that it's communicated and understood why you're both in the relationship then you As the relationship is progressing, you need to be aware of is this relationship still the same structure? You know, are you both sort of fulfilling, you know, the roles that you agree to, to get the whys of why you're in the relationship. And if things change, things changed, totally, totally fine. We, you know, we don't want to be static, like, you know, you, if things didn't change, you would still, you know, be getting carried around by your mom tucked in, she'd be changing your diapers, right? But things change, I hope, right? I hope I hope nobody here is Evan there mom changing their diapers. I mean, I, you know, if you got some health issue, or whatever, like that, you know, but that's fine. So notice changes the relationship, then you want to, once you notice that something's changed, you either want to remind the, you know, what the original y's were, and see if we can get back to that, or it's time to maybe renegotiate their relationship and like, Well, okay, well, what, what do you want? What do I want? And then, if there's no mutual coming to, hey, we agree on why we want to be in relationship together, it's time to honestly, kindly and firmly leave the relationship. So to start with, you know, what, why do you want to be in this relationship. So some very common reasons why you might want to be in, you know, a business relationship is you know, you want money, but then you also want like intellectual stimulation, maybe recognition, there's a lot of reasons why you might take any job. And any, you know, friendship, family romantic endeavor, that it's like, maybe you want support, you want someone that can listen to you, or you want someone who can have an emotional connection and open to you. And, you know, if you have some problems, you can share, and they can share, and you feel secure about that, and that you're not going to be judged or criticized for just being who you are. Or maybe, you know, there's a, you've got, you've got kids are, you know, there's our obligations that way, or there's a financial thing, you know, because a big part of a marriage, it's a financial contract, right, that you're sharing finances, and that there's can be shared benefits through work and things like that. You know, so there's, there's What is it? You know, and then there's also the sexual component, like, do you is the sexual intimacy? Is that an important part of it as well in a romantic relationship? So there's, there's what do you want in this relationship? And so really, you want to, you want to understand that, and then you want to know what they want out of it? You know, what, what are they looking for in this relationship from you? And seeing like, Well, okay, what's what is shared is that we want to, you know, basically be doing business together, whether you know, this, this is a work relationship, then that's, that's great. But then also, there could be a component of a romantic relationship, there's a business aspect that you want to, you know, partner to do a business that, you know, helps the world, you know, but maybe someone's like, hey, I want to, I want to do business partnership with you. But I don't want to hear about your problems or your day to day, whatever. So you want to communicate what you want. And then you want to make sure you understand and then make sure this is clearly communicated. And that you, you want to make sure that they're getting what they want out of the relationship. And you also want that you want this relationship to be the best fit for both of you. Because you're looking you're looking to fulfill, you know, for yourself and for the other person. And just kind of remind that, hey, you know, this sounds good. This is good that you're like, all in agreement. That Yeah, we understand each other, I feel good, you feel good. And we want to keep this going. And if if not, then that's okay, maybe you just you know, we've grown in different ways, or we've decided different things, or I've changed or you changed. And you might be like, in so this is something when you're starting a relationship, this is the best time because I found in my experience whenever I started a relationship this way. Oh, what you know, when any way business, personal whatever, that then when things changed, which you know, is the next part is to be aware of how is this relationship functioning in practice, right? Because sometimes we'll say one thing, but then we might start behaving in another way. And I've seen and I've seen this happen, lots of times where people they they think like Well, I I told her once I don't want a serious relationship. Why is she so upset that I'm dating other women? And it's because just because you say something once doesn't mean that if you behave a different way, it's not going to get confused. So if you behave like you're like, you know, in a committed manner In this relationship with someone, for a long enough time, even though you told them and you never verbally said it, they are going to come to expect that the relationship is in the way that you have been behaving, if you have not been verbally reminding that, hey, this is we're just dating, this is just casual, I will be dating other people, you know, we're, you know, we're talking business, like, Hey, you know, I'm doing work for you. But I'm also going to be doing work for someone else, like I, you know, I'm a 1099, I'm an independent contractor. So just because you know, I'm doing a lot of work for you, doesn't mean that sometime I might be a little busy, because I got to do is do some freelance work for one of my other clients. And so you want to, you know, periodically remind, and this is a well established fact of human behavior, so much so that it, that it comes up in the legal system as well. So, for example, like, if you've trademark something, and you don't go and defend that trademark, and say, like, you know, you want you don't use it, you don't put trademark, you know, on on your trademarked item, and you don't, you know, remind, and then if somebody else starts to use your trademark, if you don't go tell them, hey, knock it off. If you just let them do it, then in the eyes of the law, it's they're like, Well, you didn't seem like you cared about that. So you, you don't have any trademark claims anymore. Sorry, by by that you don't get that. So if something is important to you, you have to be aware of that, and over communicate what is important to you. So this can happen pretty pretty often where things start to change. Like recently, like, recently, I, you know, that ended up in a situation where, you know, had a, I'm just going to just gonna get it, you know, had had someone in a in a living situation. I'm going to use Family Guy names here, Meg. And, you know, they had had agreements, you know, in the lease and whatnot. And, yeah, I'm probably going to, this is one of those things where I probably get, I'll probably get shit from this, if someone that actually, you know, knows, knows me personally, hears this and yeah, like, oh, Justin was talking shit about, you know, mag or whatever, like that. And that's fine, whatever, but I don't think they listen.

Unknown: 12:35

It's okay.

Justin Wenck: 12:36

But if you know, someone who knows someone, like, you know, don't be that asshole. It's just like, Hey, did you hear what Justin said on his podcast about you? Like, just let them you know, keep it to yourself, you have the experience of the podcast, share with me share with other listeners actually share this podcast with many people as you can help support the show. But like, don't go talk and shit. Like, this is not cool, man. So anyway, um, you know, you know, so I got a house with extra space. And so I like to, you know, rent it out. And so so, you know, Meg, you know, needed a place to stay, you know, we offer it up. And things, you know, things things pretty good, pretty, pretty friendly, because it was pretty friendly with Meg. And then what I didn't notice is that the the nature of the, of the relationship, this landlord tenant, and, you know, sort of casual friendship, it started to shift and I wasn't aware, and I wasn't sort of being, you know, really on top of sort of, making sure that the boundaries of you know, how I wanted, you know, my household and stuff to happen to happen, you know, where there's just things like, you know, how space is utilized and how things are cared for, and, you know, what happens at certain times and things like that, I allowed to get away, you know, and so I waited too long. And, you know, so effectively, the, you know, it went from almost like a, you know, just kind of a casual friend and landlord tenant to becoming what I later learned was that there was almost like, they, like one part of, you know, this person became part of the family was was how, and that was not something that I that I had agreed on, because that was not was something that I was looking for. Oh, you know, and so attempted to sort of like well read, negotiate that, hey, you know, we have these landlord tenant things, and then, you know, you're sort of some other other expectations of, you know, friendliness and I don't know if you know, families where I want to be with this type of thing. You know, so attempted to, you know, renegotiate and you know, get get the relationship back in line and You know, tried that out for a couple months. So you always want to, you know, if you want to have the discussion. So again, it's always best before the relationship gets to a point. But you can always when you finally do become aware that like, hey, things are not how I would like them to be and that I'm not getting out of this what I want the you, that's the time to go, Hey, what is it? You're looking for here? what it what, here's what I'm looking for here? You are we are we in sync? Can we get back to this? And then, you know, you'll ideally get back to it. Yeah, well, we're good. You know, we're good. And the thing is, people say what people say, what's more important is what do people do. So look at people's actions. Also look at your own actions. Because you know, from your own actions, you'll actually really know what you really value in your life and what you don't value. Like, you can say you value your health all day long. But if you know you're stopping at McDonald's, and you know, getting 20 piece Chicken McNuggets with, with the sauce there, and then a milkshake and whatever. And, you know, the last time you saw you saw Jim, it was, you know, it was actually a Jim forton video of he wasn't even placed to work out. You really you don't value your health, period, end of story. You don't you don't value your health. And someone might say like, you know, yep, I totally, I respect you. And, you know, I understand that these are the things that you need me to do, this is how you want me to respect the house, they can say that all day long, but then when they just start doing what they want to do, and putting their stuff everywhere, and just you know, behaving how they'd like to behave. Then, you know, you know, you know, you know how they stand there's, there's, there's no ifs, ands or buts, right. So now, it's now it's time to exit the relationship, because just, there's the, you know, you might want it to work, they might want to work, but sometimes just it doesn't work because just you're at to two different different places, right, you know, kind of like I I played football in junior high. And I was pretty good I was I was alignment, they had a weight limit, I think is like 150 pounds, 160 pounds. And you know, as a, as an adult, 40 year old, my my weight is around a PSA hovers around 165 pounds, plus or minus a few. And so, you know, when I was 1213, I was probably only about 130 140. You know, but so I could I could rumble in linemen, you know, and someone's got only 20 pounds, Flash forward, you know, the next year into high school. And there's no, there's no weight limit anymore. I'm trying to be a lineman, but somebody, you know, can literally have 100 150 pounds on me double my size. Like it's just not, it's just not gonna work. Like we, we grew in different ways. There's no good, there's no bad, it's just, we grew in different ways. The sport of football with me as a lineman just was not meant to be. So it was time for me to exit playing football. And relationships can be very similar, where just, it's just not working out for where either party is at anymore. And when you've had the discussions of you know, that you want the best fit, you want things to be beneficial, that you want that person's happiness, you want your happiness, and you'd have that deep understanding that if you're not happy, you're not going to be able to allow the other person to be happy, you know, as well as you could, or should that, you know, because let's face it, if we're not getting our needs met in a relationship, that's sort of where you know, some sadness, some frustration, anger, you know, these these emotions that do not allow us to bring our best, you know, for our own lives and for the lives of others, right. It's very much you know, the the airplane, you know, put on your own mask before you go to help somebody else put theirs on, like, if you're not being able to take care of your happiness, you're not going to be able to be there for that other person when they need it. And that's really not not fair to them, right. I like to do this because a lot of people they have a hard time with the the exiting because they're like, I'm gonna cause I'm gonna hurt this person. And well, the one No, you don't you do not have you like, like to think that you're all that powerful that you can hurt somebody or you can help somebody. But the truth is, you just you're not you're not that powerful. You don't have that control over somebody as much as you might like. Because our feelings it's a personal choice 100%. Now, again, it might not seem like it because a lot of that all of that. We're using the choices of interpretations and stories around stuff that have been given to us by our friends. our family, our culture. So you know, something's going to happen, and we're going to have emotional response. Yet, you know, if you've been listening to this show and keep listening, it's one of the things that we're working on here is it. That's why it's called the engineering, energy and emotions podcast is because you can engineer your emotions and your energy levels. So it's, it's a choice, you know, when something happens, you have a choice of how you are going to allow it to affect you. And you have that choice, and the other person has that choice. So you are going to take an action and that other person, might, they could they totally have the option of taking it like, Oh, my gosh, I'm so glad you said it. Thank you. Yes, I've been noticing that some things just were not working anymore. And I'm so glad that you respected me to bring this to my attention. And I think you I think you've got some good points, just we're not a good match anymore. Thank you for allowing, you know, I, I knew that I was going to have to do it. But so thank you for helping kick this off. And let's figure out how we can you know, best support each other on this transition? Or the Mexico fuck you you asked, Well, how dare you do this to me, like, we had a thing going like you, I can't believe you do this to me, you're an awful piece of shit, fuck you. It can go either way, or somewhere in between. The point is, that's their choice. And again, all of these emotions, all these things. They're temporary. Well, they're as temporary as again, the other person allows it. And yeah, some people could hold it for their lifetime. That's their business, if they want to, you know, be swallowing the poison of resentment for an entire lifetime. That's, that's not your choice. Really, you're allowing them to find someone who can be that better partner for that better happiness, right? Because, like, let me let me break it down with a with a little example here. So going back to let's use, you know, Family Guy names here. So if I was to say, you know, Brian, Brian was the dog who would sit weird and stuff. So, if I was to say to you, now, Brian. I know exactly what your purpose in life is. And I know exactly what you can do that will give you fulfillment in all aspects of your human existence here on this planet. And that will work out perfectly for you. I know how you can have the financial abundance, the relationships, the spiritual growth, the impact on the world. I know all these things, and I can share it with you. If only Stewie allows, and then go to Stewie, and it's like Stewie. Can Can I can I tell Brian these secrets, you guys might not be able to hang out in the same way though. And Steve was just like, oh, man, this is a little

Unknown: 22:54

This is a little uncomfortable.

Justin Wenck: 22:55

Now I'd rather just have things away and, and still, he doesn't let you have your, you know, your life's purpose, your ultimate goal, your you would think Stewie is a complete dick. That that that is just completely rude. Right that Stewie is preventing you from you know, finding your your ultimate happiness, your ultimate purpose, and doing what you were born to do on this planet, all because Stewie feels a little uncomfortable. Now, when you're the one that realizes that the relationship isn't working, and you don't want to end it, you are the Stewie you are being a total asshole, you're being selfish, because you just, you're like, it's gonna be a little uncomfortable for a little while. So, so what you're going to, like, keep this person in the state of discomfort in this relationship that you know, is not working, you know, you're gonna prevent them from having the opportunity to reach their peak of, you know, human experience, just because it could be a little uncomfortable. Like, that's mean, that's rude. That's not cool. Like, so often, we think that we're helping other people out, but really, really, we're helping ourselves, we're just trying to avoid the discomfort. And the more we can kind of lean into the discomfort and recognize that it's part of the growth, that you know, there's always a little you know, like being born is a little, it's a growth but like, why are you gonna stay in the womb your entire life, like, that's, you're gonna miss out on a lot of stuff. So you go through the pain of being born, you know, you go through the pain of learning how to walk, which requires falling over skin in the knee, but then you do it and then you don't skin your knee again, and then now you start running. So it's part of life, my friends part of life. So don't be a Stewie. You know, just, you know, let people do their thing. And again, it's all temporary. And so you know, the why of what you want to get out of the relationship for yourself and for the other person, and you realize that that's just not happening. And so just just remind the person, honestly, like, hey, this doesn't seem like the best fit anymore. I think it's time, you know, we end things because I want, I want you to be happy, I want me to be happy. And I remember you wanted, you wanted this, I don't want to do that, and just isn't happening. So I think it's time to end it. And often there will be some pushback. Right? could be, it could be gentle, it could be not so gentle. Just firmly repeat, like, yeah, I understand, I totally get where you're coming from, just I feel this has to end. Thank you. And just repeat that as much as it as as necessary. Usually, it doesn't take more than a few rounds. You know, don't go making something up, that isn't true. Like, oh, you know, I just don't want to do this type of work anymore. Or, you know, I just, I just want to be single, I don't want to be in a relationship. Because really, you might think you're you're helping the other person out, but you're harming your own integrity. And that's gonna harm any possible future relationship with them, right. Because if you say like, hey, that, like I just, I just don't want a serious relationship. And then like, three months later, you're engaged to be married, like that you're not a trustworthy person anymore to this individual you were just breaking up with, right. So they're like, you know, even if you could have had a good friendship with this person, right? Because again, just because you end one type of relationship doesn't mean you can't start another right, like, just because this, you know, the business end didn't work out. Now you could be friends, or if you were romantic, related, maybe you guys become really good business associates, for some reason, right? All these you know, transformations and relationships are possible when we can exit a relationship with skill. And with finesse, and with ease. And coming from a place of you know, love and kindness, that you're not doing it to hurt the other person, you're doing it. So that you can both grow in the way that you're meant to do, once you realize that, like, you're not on a path of growth, and emotional support that you wanted to be on. So

Unknown: 27:18

that's,

Justin Wenck: 27:20

I think, all I got for this show. So again, I've only recap, you know, here's, here's the process. And again, if you're like, you feel like the relationships like already, at the end, you can start this this process, and, you know, be patient Be kind, you know, give the other person a chance to communicate these things, and as soft and as kind of way as possible. But you know, it's started, you got to know why you're in the relationship. Because if you don't know, it's gonna be really hard to know when it's time to leave. But if you know why you got into the relationship, or why you're in the relationship, or what it needs to be for you, for it to be a healthy, successful relationship, then that's, that's going to be great, that's going to make it really harder, it's going to make it easier for you to make a decision on whether this continues or how it continues. And the

Unknown: 28:09

other thing is,

Justin Wenck: 28:11

what is the success criteria of a relationship, like, we have this thing that like, well, a successful relationship is one that goes till you die, what the hell is that, that is, like messed up man that, like, it's only successful if you die in it. Like, this is just, you know, like, on my dad's side, my grandparents, you know, they they died in a car crash, you know, from a drunk driver together. So that was that the pinnacle of a successful relationship, because they died at the same time in a car crash. Like, that's ridiculous. To me, this relationship is successful, if both people are allowed to flourish and grow in the way they were meant to be, you know, as in as quickly and loving away as possible, not successful. And you know, when it's no longer serving that purpose and ends, that's, that was still a successful relationship. So it's not about the amount of time it's about the, it's about the quality and about the growth and about the love and the the emotional experience that everyone got out of it. So you want to know what that is for you. And you want to know what that is for the other person. And then you want to communicate that you have that understanding and there's an agreement. So it's, it's, it's known, it's consensual, that there's no misunderstandings or somebody forcing something on somebody else, like, you know, if you just want to have a friendship and the other person wants a romantic relationship, like you know, they shouldn't just put up with that right like the it should be agreed on the type of relationship should be discussed agreed on and be very consensual and upfront. And once you do, be aware, you got to pay attention, you got to like take the temperature, right. You got to see like well, we agreed that we were going to keep this hot tub at 104. But all of a sudden if it's ends up being 82 degrees, those Not a hot tub anymore. And maybe maybe you don't want a hot tub anymore. That's cool. Just, you know, talk about it. renegotiate. But if you know, you want the hot tub and the other person wants the swimming pool, you know, it's probably time to go do your swimming somewhere else, right? So then you just remind that hey, I get you want a swimming pool? I want a hot tub. I'm gonna go take my swimsuit elsewhere. Well, my gosh, you're awful. You're awful. Yep, I understand. I understand. You want me to swim in your pool. I'm just a hot tub person. I gotta go. I gotta go soak in a hot tub. So I appreciate it. If I know of anybody that wants to swim in your pool, you've, you're an amazing person, you got an amazing pool. I'm gonna you know, anything I can do to help. I just got to go find a hot tub. So, right. It's really not that big a deal doesn't have to be unless we make it because we have choices of how we interpret these things. What thoughts we have about it, what emotions we have, and other people do too, and allow other people the dignity of having their experience and having the ability to learn and grow and have their experiences. Because their life is their life. Your life is your life. My life is my life. And this is the engineering emotions interview podcast. If you have any complaints. Send us a podcast at Justin Wenck calm. If you love this show, please subscribe rate at five stars. tell people how great it is. Share it. Let people know. Let them know your favorite episode. Find me on social media. I'm on Facebook and Justin Wenck wv and ck subscribe my newsletter at Justin Wenck calm also on Instagram, Justin Wenck PhD, find me on LinkedIn. Come on Connect. Let me know what you'd like to hear. How does this land? Is there a relationship that you're like it's time to exit let me know maybe you know I can give some give some tips tricks, I've got a lot of experience on this. So really been fun hanging, chatting you this is you know, this is our time where we get we get to you know, have a relationship and we get to grow and we get to cultivate the love and it's very nice. So you know I got a lot more great topics to come so you're not gonna want to miss it. So subscribe and have a good day.