Ep 58: Your Environment Reflects You

"You haven't changed a bit!"

Has someone from your past ever said that to you? Or maybe they didn't say it, but you felt it. It could be spending time with the people you grew up with, or longtime friends. Have you noticed that your feelings and behaviors you experience TODAY can be similar to those you experienced 1, 5, 10, or even 20+ years ago?

 You might think, "I've worked so hard to grow, but I guess I haven't changed enough yet."

You're partially right, but maybe not how you think.

If you have truly grown and changed would you BE the person who is in the ENVIRONMENT where you "haven't changed a bit?"

Today I talk about Being the person who is no longer in the situations, company, or environment that doesn't serve you. This doesn't mean you have to cut off all ties, although you certainly can, but if you change who you are, you change how you show up, and you change your external experience, meaning…

You ARE the Person you ARE, not the Person you WERE.

If you're in the Sacramento area and want to learn how to transform your life in as little as 5 minutes a day to be less stressed, more energetic, and living from the heart. Sign ups for my Perfect Life Meditation workshop are now open.

Got a question or comment about the show? E-mail me at podcast@justinwenck.com. Remember to subscribe so you don't miss the next episode! Then connect with me at  JustinWenck.com, Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn!

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Check out my best-selling book "Engineered to Love: Going Beyond Success to Fulfillment" also available on Audiobook on all streaming platforms! Go to https://www.engineeredtolove.com/ to learn more!

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Transcript

Justin Wenck: 0:01

Welcome to the engineering emotions and energy podcast. I'm your host, Justin Wenck. Today we're gonna start by asking you a question. Are you are, who you are? Or are sometimes are you who you were? So what do I mean by that? So let me relate all story. Yesterday, I went to one of my, my favorite yoga classes, like there's a Thursday evening yoga class I like to go to been going for quite a few months now. So as long as that's the same teacher, she's phenomenal. Like just, you know, great, great vinyasa flow with, you know, challenging moves, well guided, good, good music, really good vibes. And that just always been phenomenal. Yesterday, I went and for what she just kept, like mixing up the left's and rights was like missing cues, and getting distracted, it was really strange. I was like, what, what's what's going on, maybe she's having a bad day. And then the woman practicing to the right of me, exclaims at one point, she goes, Jeannie, you haven't changed a bit since high school haha. And that's when I realized it, that there was there was this high school friend acquaintance, whatever, in the class. And the and the teacher was kind of going back to the however she must have been, you know, back in high school, and maybe High School was the identity of, you know, would mix left and right, and, you know, mess things up. And this was not who this teacher, you know, was as far as I had known from taking the you know, the the class and being phenomenal. But to this, you know, this person who had, you know, probably known her very well, you know, who knows how many 510, I don't know how many years ago, high school was for them. But that so the teacher was effectively not being who she was, she was being, not being who she is, she was being who she was, back when she was around this person. And this is something and if you're really like a little lost, it's totally okay, you're going to catch up, it's going to be fine, we're going to get through this and you're gonna learn a lot and learn how to be who you are not who you were, that's what we're going to be focusing on today. Because this is a big, big, important thing, I want you to get this, your environment reflects who you are, and who you are, still allows the possibility to be who you were, you're gonna keep repeating those environments that maybe you've thought, hey, and now that's not me, like I don't I, I'm someone who has boundaries. I'm someone who stands up for myself, I'm someone who knows my left from my right, I'm someone who's on time, whatever it is, if you are still someone who allow yourself to go back to being how you were, then are you really who you are, are you still being who you were, or, you know, some of this isn't being about 100%. But it's just being way more often, how you will show up is a reflection of who you are, and who you are, is going to reflect by the environment around you. And the environment is your physical environment, but also the company you keep. And so let me ask you, like, if you really were the person you want it to be, would you actually be around some of these people from your past that allow you to get into that mode, where you start getting into the behaviors and the feelings and the ways of being that maybe they make you feel really icky and gross? So let me let me share with you sort of my experience in this area. And, you know, there's, there's always the very, very severe or cause a severe, or the very abrupt way is that if there's any person, place, whatever, where you end up behaving or feeling away, you don't, you're like, Hey, this is not who I want to be, this is not how I want to show up in the world. You can, you can always just go, I'm not going to go there, I'm not going to go back, I'm not going to hang out with this person more, I'm going to cut them out. Or, you know, I'm not going to go to I'm not going to go to this place. Like maybe it's a gym, or maybe it's a workplace, you know, you could always just like quit that and never go back again. That's, that's totally fine. There's, you know, but for some people, there's like, you know, that's way too much too fast, too soon, like, I could, you know, it's Christmas time, I gotta go see my family or Oh, you know, I've just been going to this place so long, I got to do this. So there's, there's an in between, there's a middle way, right? Because that is what the Buddha tried to teach us. Or one of the things was, you know, the middle path, the middle way and not too much. of a not too much of B. But maybe let's try option C, which is maybe something all in between. And so you can perhaps continue to have relationships with people that you otherwise would drop into old habits, ways of being ways Feeling that do not serve you. Yet, there's a way you can modify this in how you show up. Because really, this this is about, you know, who are you, and who do you want to be, because if you are someone that there is no possibility that if you want to be if you commit to being a calm, loving, compassionate person, and you know that if you spend more than two hours, with, you know, with your family, that there's that there's no possible way of of doing that, for whatever reason, then it's very simple, do not spend more than two hours with your family period in a story you are then being congruent with who you want to be and who you are. And that to that one hours, 59 minutes, 59 seconds, it's going to be beautiful, lovely, enjoyable. Now, it's not going to be easy. So let me explain to my story. So for a very long time, I would, you know, if I was spending time with my, my family, my my mom and my dad, Sister, sister, you know, back when I was college, you know, I would go home, I would just, I would just feel like really drained and like really tired, and I would get, you know, I get sad, I'd get depressed, and then maybe I'd really need to do behaviors so that I could, like, soothe myself, you know, like excessive drinking, eating bad foods, but probably there's probably other other bad behaviors as well. But it was just not not healthy for me to, you know, go home, live in the house where I grew up and spend, you know, excessive amounts of time, you know, with with my family, you know, I love them, just, I would just kind of like, go back into these old ways of being. And I was like, What can I do if I go home I have to stay with, with my family, right. And, you know, through working with a therapist, and through doing like Al anon 12 step groups, if you're not familiar with Al anon, you know, that you might be familiar with a. So there's 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous for those that drink? Well, Al anon is for those that are the friends, family or loved ones of alcoholics to sort of help you, you know, figure out different ways to live your life, so that you can set boundaries more effectively. And, you know, one of the things I got, you know, working with people in that is like, what if you just stayed with a friend? Do you have someone else you could stay with? And yeah, I had this phenomenal friend from high school that I'm still great buddies with. And I was like, hey, Ed, can I you know, I'm coming home, you get you, you have a place to live near my house two miles away? Is it okay, if I stay at your place instead of my parents house? He was like, yeah, that's awesome. I got an extra bedroom would love to have you we love hanging out with you. And yeah, did it annoy the shit out of my parents? Did they feel hurt? Or, you know, they feel injured? Whatever? Yes, they 100% did. And so it was a tough conversation. But what's the alternative? A lifetime of succumbing to obligation, where I'm treating myself badly. And the thing is, when you treat yourself badly, you end up treating others people badly. Because one of the things that I've 100% believe is that people do not treat anyone else any better than they treat themselves. I've seen this in, you know, personal relationships. I've seen this with co workers. So it's, so some of the times it's like, Man, this person just works was trying to work me to death. They want me to be in, you know, weekends work late nights. And they're just a perfectionist. Look at how do they treat themselves? Because I bet you that person is also you know, up late nights, working weekends, also demanding perfection out of themselves. So they are probably actually treating you better. They're treating about the same as they treat themselves. So I always look like well, how does this person treat themselves? What are their own standards, because that's what they're going to hold me to. And that's how they're going to treat me. So if I if I see someone that that's how they are, I would not want to work under that person. I would, I would avoid them. I would do whatever it takes to not work under somebody like that. So you really need to treat yourself. really well. Treat yourself like you love yourself. Because if you love yourself, would you put yourself in a harmful situation. And then especially if you know that it's harming yourself and harming others, because you're you're here to help people if you weren't here to learn how to help yourself, help others you wouldn't be listened to show period in the story. So are you just, you know, if you're not into that, and you're listening to this, I don't know why you're here. But they send me an email podcast at Justin Wenck calm let me know why you're here if you I guess hate people, so But anyway, you you love people, you want to help people, you got to start by loving yourself and that's setting and setting boundaries. And you know, it can be definitely Hey, no, I just, you know, I really want to stay with this friend. You know, you don't have to frame it like no, it's because, you know, hey, you're an asshole and I can't stand being with you more than two hours. It does. That can that can be true, but you don't have to express that truth to the other person. As long as You know what's true for you, you know, you can express things in a kindly manner of, you know, yeah, I really appreciate it, I love it, I don't, I just, my friend invited me and I really, I really want to stay at his house. And you know, so this, this gives me a way to be able to spend some time with him. And then, you know, spend, spend time with you and enjoy things. And you know, maybe we can try some different activities, you know, just just mix things up. So we can really enjoy our time together, you know, because we have brief times a month together. So it's really how you have these discussions. And you know, if you are firm, and you know, and there's just some things you don't even have to explain, right? Someone can say, like, oh, but I really want you to, I really want you to stay here. Oh, that's really great. I really appreciate that. I'm staying with my friend. Oh, but I got the room already for you. I you know, I've got breakfast planned out. And you know, I got, you know, late night snacks already for you your favorite. So it's I you know, it's already set up for you. That is that is just so delightful. I really do appreciate that I'm going to be staying with my friend though. And you know, when when I'm over, and I'm looking forward to enjoy those things. But I, you know, got to stay with my friend. So that's just what's what's happening. So, usually, people don't like to go more than three rounds with that, because it just people don't like to repeat themselves, they get, they get bored of it, they get sick of it, and they'll just sort of move on. And,

Unknown: 11:20

again, remember, there's

Justin Wenck: 11:21

a reason why you're setting this boundary. So if somebody really gets freaked out and gets really angry, it's gonna hurt, you're gonna be like, Oh, my gosh, this sucks, we're getting in a fight. And I think they're angry and whatever. And maybe they don't even want to see you anymore. Have you ever think about it? Is that actually that bad? Considering that you're not getting to be the person you want to be around this person anyway. So maybe it the worst thing ends up being the best thing. And you just get that space and break from that person. And, you know, because you are now showing up as the person you want to be, and your environment is going to reflect that. And it's could end up being that your environment doesn't include some of these people that have been in your life for a long, long time. Yet, maybe that's really what you want me that's what you need, is you need your life to no longer include these people not in the same ways as you used to not the same amount of times. And maybe that's okay. Because the other thing is, and I've learned this time and time, again, is that when a person, a project, object leaves your life, that is the opportunity for something new to come in. If your life is completely full with whatever you've got in it. There's nothing room for anything new. And if you're like, Justin, my life is phenomenal. There's nothing else I would want, then you're fine. But if you're saying to me, Justin, I really, I would really like to, you know, have some better health, I would really, really like to, you know, have some better friendships, I'd really like to get into some better activities. Oh, and my job like, Jesus just, it's mind numbing. I hate it, then you you got to start letting some space into these things for things to replace that, right? Because, you know, sometimes, if you're not reducing the amount of time you're working a cron job, how are you ever going to spend the time to you know, do the applications, do the interviews, things like that? So sometimes this is it can be hard, it can be painful? Yep. How painful is it to not do anything and to realize that, that time is taken away? And the amount of time we got on this planet is so limited? It's so limited? And do you want to get the most out of your time here on earth? I was filling out a questionnaire. And one of the questions was how, how long do you want to live? What age do you want to live? And I know, I know, the person who reads is going to be like, Oh, you're being a kind of a dick. And that's okay. But my answer my honest answer is, I want to be on this planet until I'm satisfied that I've done whatever I feel like I want to do. And that that can seem kind of like a bummer is like, Well, why would you want to live forever or live to you know, 100, whatever. But it's kind of like, I'm 40 years old now. And I look back and they're just some things that I've done in my life, where I'm like, I don't want to do that again. I have no interest. Like, when I was when I was like up through age 12 I loved watching cartoons. I love the shit out of me some cartoons Saturday morning, that stuff was awesome. Like, I just like I could not understand how adults did not like cartoons. I was like, adults are so dumb. They don't get that, you know, the gummy bears and duck tails. And you know, these great cartoons from the late 80s, early 90s that this is this is entertainment. But then, you know, I found myself 15 1617 not watching cartoons anymore. And I was just like, I had no interest. And there's been other things in my life. I'm just like, I don't have any interest. And so I totally foresee if I'm doing Life, right? If I keep learning my lessons, and going on things I want to do be with the people I want to be. And then, you know, growing to having digested that, that accurate totally see, at some point, I'm just like, you know what this adventure on this planet, I'm good ready to go and then just just be done. I don't know how long that's gonna take could take a long time. Who knows, but you know, well, every day I want to be in my getting the most out of this life Am I being who I want to be so that I can have the environment that allows me to you know, continue to grow, continue to serve, continue to love. And if I'm not, then I got to be the person that is going to, you know, do what it takes to have the environment that allows that. So that's what this episode is about is what area of your life, you know, are you actually not being the person you need to be, so that you can live the life you want to live where you're, you're serving, you're loving, you're feeling abundant, you're getting to enjoy your time on this earth. And if you're not in those situations, what can you do differently. And again, it doesn't have to go to the extreme like, Hey, I'm just going to be you know, cutting people out, screw you, I'm never gonna see you at Christmas, New Year's. Whatever holiday it is. It's how you do it. And then how you communicate it to those people where you can have your boundaries, you can have your space, where you are the person that doesn't just be like, you know, that person who's never changed it, you're just like how you were in high school. Because, you know, maybe maybe High School is fantastic for you. But for me, I was so happy to be out of high school. And, you know, there's some people that I you know, I went to my 20th high school reunion last last summer, and seeing some of the people that I knew they they had a great time in high school. They don't really they're having a great time now. So I'm having a great time and I keep having a better time and that's what I want you to have. So if you got any questions email me podcast at Justin winc comm hit me up on social media. You know, Justin Wenck, PhD on Instagram On Facebook. also find me on the LinkedIn figured out any, you know, questions again, the emails podcast at Justin Wenck calm. If you love the show, tell a friend read five stars wherever you can rate this podcast, and I'm doing a workshop June 13 11am. Here in the Sacramento area at the meadow in Placerville. It's called the perfect life meditation workshop where I will teach you how you can start to transform your life to be less stressful, more energetic and live from the heart in as little as five minutes a day. So this is you know, taking all the stuff I've learned in my meditation explorations teachings yoga, from the 15 plus years, and I've boiled it down into simple bite size ways that you can use a little bit every day. Because it really is just like working out good nutrition a little bit every day is gonna do wonders, do wonders. So if you are in the area, you know, hit me up on that. And with that, take care and good day.