Love, Loss, and the Art of Connection: A Valentine’s Special

Love is in the air! With Valentine’s Day around the corner, we’re diving deep into the many dimensions of love—self-love, romantic relationships, connection, loss, and the evolving ways we experience love in the modern world. 

In this special episode, I’m joined by author, AI expert, and now podcaster Tonya J. Long as she flips the script and asks me the big questions about love. From navigating relationships in the digital age to embracing the lessons from loss, this episode is packed with insights, authenticity, and even a little humor.

But that’s not all! Tonya is also the host of RESET, a brand-new radio show and podcast focused on life transitions, reinvention, and finding purpose. Whether it’s career changes, technological advancements, or personal transformations, RESET is all about navigating the shifts in life with clarity and intention. Tune in to RESET on 92.9 FM in Los Gatos, CA, or stream it online anywhere in the world at reset-podcast.com.

Key Highlights:

💖 Technology & Love – How social media and digital tools amplify (but don’t change) human connection.

🌿 Self-Love & Boundaries – Why your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship.

💔 Loss & Love’s Evolution – How grief shapes our capacity to love and helps us embrace change.

🌊 Nature & Love – The surprising ways being in nature can deepen our connection to ourselves and others.

🛠️ Redefining Love & Relationships – Why breaking free from societal expectations leads to deeper fulfillment.

🎙️ A Special Cameo by Tonya J. Long – Insights from the author of AI and the New Oz on detachment, community, and purpose.

👉 Whether you're single, in a relationship, or just reflecting on love’s many forms, this episode will leave you inspired.

Connect with Tonya J. Long: 

RESET podcast - https://reset-podcast.com/

https://www.instagram.com/tonyajlong/

Overcome the daily grind with transformative techniques from Justin's book, 'Engineered to Love.'

These practices aren't just about finding peace—they're about reconnecting with yourself and the world around you in meaningful ways.

Access your free materials today at engineeredtolove.com/sample and start living a life filled with joy, ease, and love. 

Watch the full video episode at Justin Wenck, Ph.D. YouTube Channel!

Check out my best-selling book "Engineered to Love: Going Beyond Success to Fulfillment" also available on Audiobook on all streaming platforms! Go to https://www.engineeredtolove.com/ to learn more!

Got a question or comment about the show? E-mail me at podcast@justinwenck.com.

Remember to subscribe so you don't miss the next episode! Connect with me:
JustinWenck.com
Facebook
Instagram
LinkedIn
YouTube

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended, music and pics belong to the rightful owners.

=====================================================

Transcript

0:00

How do you think technology and social media have influenced our capacity to form deep, meaningful relationships, and has this changed how you approach love? I think in many ways, a lot of people like to blame technology for a lot of things that you know maybe aren't going the way they would like them to go. Yet, from my experience, I believe technology has merely just been an accelerator of the human condition. Are you ready to live a life with enough time, money and energy have relationships and connections that delight you? Are you ready for the extraordinary life you know you've been missing? If so, then this is the place for you. I'm a best selling author, coach, consultant and speaker who's worked in technology for over two decades. I'm a leader at transforming people and organizations from operating in fear, obligation and guilt to running off joy, ease and love. It's time for engineering emotions and energy with me, Justin Wenck PhD, today, we're going to be talking about love, because Valentine's Day is coming up soon, making sure this gets out right before Valentine's Day. But whenever you're listening, wherever you're listening, I hope Love is a part of your life. And back to the show, a rare returning friend of the show, Tanya J long, welcome back. She's the author of AI and the new oz. We had a great episode with her. I don't know, is it maybe 1015, episodes ago, but yeah, Tanya is going to be asking me some questions about love and things like that. And so you're really going to enjoy it. We actually already did the did the interview, and now we're doing this intro after the fact. But yeah, Tanya's got a new podcast coming up, so I'd like to, yeah, Tony, tell us about the new podcast and how people can find it. And you know, I've been great. I've been having a lot of fun. And weather excluded, there's been a lot to do, and the reset podcast has been a big part of that. We're ramping up and rolling out episodes for reset. It is focused on the transitions and the reinventions that we experience in life. We're focused on four things, work, technology, longevity and purpose, and frankly, depending on the guest, we start with worker technology, typically, but it it morphs quickly into purpose, because purpose is so critical for us during this period of time, it's been a lot of fun. So I invite everyone to take a look at reset, dash podcast.com, or check my social media, and you'll you'll get the more complex links and all of the podcast distributors, Apple, Spotify, YouTube, I Heart Radio. We'll put a link to your your website to let people find it. Thank you. Yeah, I'm looking forward to being being on that show here at some point, once we get the studio well, from the radio show, it's a joint red it's a radio show and a podcast combined. And I want to bring you into the radio station so we can get a chance to have lunch. That's my ulterior motive. Let's have lunch in Los Gatos. The radio station is 92.9 FM based out of Los Gatos. So, yeah, so I do want to see, you know, driving through the Bay Area, right? Analog radios still? Yeah, and, and they have kpcr.org so that it distributes online. So anybody who's interested, I can also participate in the shows online in real time, even if you're over, even if you're nowhere in the US, you can still participate via via the US. If you want your Silicon Valley Bay Area, you know, local, local stuff, but you're not actually here. It's an interesting area unlike any else in the world, which is why people from all over the world do come here to get their get their startups and other stuff going. It is. There's something about it. And you mentioned the weather. We're just having some drizzle and some rain here, but for we have no patience. Yeah, when it's anywhere else, yeah, like 80% of the rest of the US and Canada would just go Shut up. Like you don't even know what bad weather is. But for us, for us, it's tough. It's it's tough to go two days without having beautiful sunshine to walk in in a T shirt in the winter, it's tough. It's 62 degrees right now as we speak. So, so, yeah, we Yeah, I know. I know, I know. And here I am in a full sweater, 62 degrees, so we're not hurting too bad, like that's, that's bikini weather. What do you not for some people in the South? When I lived in Tennessee, it sure was so we did, as you mentioned already, do our questions and our Q and A on love. And I want to thank you for your transparency, your insights, your. Your wisdom and perspective are, it's not that they are non traditional, but you have had experiences that put you in a different framework for responding to some of those questions. And I just want to say, thank you for your authenticity. I think it's so important for us to talk about love and what love means, and frankly, to as people will see when they watch. You know to see that love has a lot of different definitions, and you can be satisfied wherever you are if you choose to be, yeah, and that's really what, that's what love ultimately wants, is just for you to be okay with you right now as you are period like, no, or when that happens, or this, it's, it's like, oh yeah, this is, this is this is good, like, in a fundamental sense, not like a good versus bad, but if, like, everything is workable, well said, and yeah, I have every everything To do what I because I heard someone give have this idea that they're ultimately humans. Have no needs. We are, we are 100% desire based. And so you're like, Well, what? What about what about air? What about water? And it's like, you want those. You want those. The only time you truly need it is once you've once you've crossed over and you're dead. But otherwise it's a it's becomes a strong, strong desire, and at some point it's either satisfied or it goes away, and then you're dead, and at no point did you actually need it. The point you really needed it, you're you're off to somewhere else. Anyway, there is really some is to think of everything as just a desire. It kind of frames it as it takes a lot of the pressure off. It's like, yes, I want water, I want air, and I'm gonna, you know, but recognize that our desires can be fulfilled as easily as we fulfill them with air and water as well. I think there's also that, yeah, yeah. Well, so thank you. Thank you for the time today. Yeah, thanks so much for inviting me anything else before we we let people hear the great interview that you just had had for me. Live in love. Live in love. I love it Alright, and now enjoy. Enjoy the interview. Hello everyone. And on this segment for our Valentine's Day Special, we are bringing in the author of engineered to love. Let me get that a little clearer, Justin Wenck wrote, he wrote the book on love. How about that? Justin, that's a that's a tall order to think that you wrote the book on love, but you did and for a very interesting vertical here with the founders that you work with in Silicon Valley. So tell us just a little about you before we get started. Yeah, thanks Tonya. Good to be chatting with you on a podcast here again, and I don't know if I'd say I've wrote the book on love, I'd say it's a book on love or of love. And yeah, I'm I do coaching. I'm also an author, podcaster myself and a little bit of a adventure. Like to travel as well and just getting to connect more deeply with myself and others, and experience love and all of its many forms in this world is, I think, also one of the things that I like to get up to. And also have a background in electrical engineering, which is, you know, why I like working with with tech founders as well, beautiful so you are perfect for for our show today, I'm so excited that you could make time. Thank you. I have a few questions for you. The first one plays right into what you talked about. How do you think technology and social media have influenced our capacity to form deep, meaningful relationships, and has this changed how you approach love. I think in many ways, a lot of people like to blame technology for a lot of things that you know maybe aren't going the way they would like them to go. Yet, from my experience, I believe technology has merely just been an accelerator of the human condition. And I first learned this, it was when I was a young adult. Went back to visit where both of my parents are from, which is rural Iowa, you know, on the farmland, with an aunt and my dad. And immediately, you know, the her son, you know, I guess he would have been my cousin comes in, and the aunt goes, like, I heard, I heard you were with so and so, and you did this and that, and, like, I can't believe you did that. And it's and it's like, How did she know all of this? The telephone, this was not Facebook, this was not Instagram, this was not Twitter or x. And it just struck me that like humans have been a certain way since we've been humans. Just it's so much easier to to communicate, whether it's good or bad, because of technology. And so it amplifies, accelerates whatever it is, good or bad. And so if you're not liking how technology is making your life, it's just amplifying what's coming from within. And as I've my my feed on all these things now is incredibly boring, because I curate, I curate my thoughts, and I. Curate my emotions, or I'm in touch with my emotions, then I curate my actions and what I choose to consume based on that. So now my feeds are incredibly boring, and I like to use technology to find ways to connect with people in person, instead of using doing dating apps or other things as much. So it's like I use social media and these other tools, yet I use them to serve me. I'm not. I'm not at the mercy of them, if that makes sense. Beautiful. Yeah, agreed. Love it. So one of the things that struck me in reading your book is that you have a marvelous grasp on self love. So how has self love played a role in your ability to love others? How has this relationship with yourself evolved over time? There's a lot of times that these cliches, of these simple bumper sticker type things, the reason that they get said so often and are around so much is because they're they're true, but I've really found you can only love others as much as you can love yourself, and also as someone who takes 100% responsibility for everything that I experience in my life. So good, bad, indifferent, when there's, you know, something that I'm not seeing outside, that I'm like, This is annoying me, or this is frustrating me. It's like, what, what aspect of myself is that? And how can I bring some love and some caring? Doesn't necessarily mean that. Loving doesn't mean you give the keys to the car of your life to that that aspect. It's just going like, Okay, you're in this car. You have a place I'm going to listen to you yet I'm the driver, and here's, here's where we're going, and here's what we're going to do. Because love doesn't necessarily mean that we just, you know, let whatever comes into our view that we, quote, unquote, love that doesn't mean they get to drive we still get to have boundaries, and we still get to have agency and things like that with other people and also ourselves. And it's like learning that with myself has allowed me to start to appreciate that and understand that and work with that, with other people. And more and more, I don't get upset at people. I love them, I appreciate them, and often will go all right, that's That's enough of that person. I don't necessarily need to spend time, and I also I don't need to change them, because, like, loving is, is unconditional. It really is. It's just like, how do I like this person as they are, and in what capacity do we want to interact? And that's, that's really all there is, like, I don't need to change anybody. The only person I need to change, and even that I don't need to change, but it's I get to change is myself. And that's because it's fun and enjoyable, and part of the adventure of being alive and part of loving myself is getting to see, whoa. What else can I do? How else can I shift love? It Good, good. So switching gears a little. How do you think the experience of loss or grief? Because you wrote about that in your book as well. You've been through your own, your own seasons. So how has the experience of loss or grief deepened or changed your capacity for love in some ways a brutal yet necessary teacher, and my hope is it doesn't have to be as brutal for most people. I think because really like loss is part of part of love. It's part of creation. Because I just think of an artist, no matter, no matter what they're painting on, something is being lost in the creation of whatever the new art is. And I feel like in our current society, we often are trying to hold on, just continue, continue building and building and building. Yet when we don't, we don't let go of anything. It's we're not able to clear to allow for a new, stronger foundation. It's like we might have been building on on sand at the beach, and it's inevitably going to collapse. Yet I feel like if we have a healthier relationship with loss, with grief, with transition, the healthier that is, then the easier it is to bring in the new that is more aligned and more joyful, and just see it as part of the process. And it's definitely improved my ability to love myself, to love others, to bring in even more joy, because it's it's there now that I have experienced loss in multiple ways, through losing my mother, being divorced and my career, it's one of those I don't have that hanging over my head of like, oh, boy, what if I lose that? So it's allowing me to just really appreciate what is as it is, and being open to things shifting more and more. And so I would say to people that have faced loss, that it it does get better, and your life can be even more amazing, and it's definitely way better to do it with other people. Definitely find help, get help whatever, in whatever form. Because I. Think it's funny. It's like we all have to go through certain things, yet how we go through it. We have so much choice in that of who we go through it with, and what way, how challenging doesn't necessarily have to be as challenging as it, as it seems, but it's it's worth it. It's worth it. Good. Thank thank you for that. So, um, anyone who follows you on social media, sees you outdoors a lot, hiking, swinging through trees in Costa Rica, doing amazing things, but a lot of you is is very plugged into nature. So how has your relationship with nature evolved into a form of love, or, you know, what are the ways that nature impacts your daily walk? It's like, I think back to when I was, you know, really young kid, and like, it's like, I would just be outside and playing in dirt, digging holes and stuff like that. And then at some point, it's like, I don't want to touch anything the world is can harm me. I think I got stung by a bee at once. It's like, okay, I always got to have shoes on. And then by the time I actually got my first, my first job after grad school, I was like working at Intel, where there's a, I don't know, an infamous video of Conan O'Brien making fun of the gray that goes with the gray that goes with the gray, and that it's basically set up like a parking structure with pillars that have, oh, I sit at d8 and Oh, my friends over at G 19, and I really, at the time, I'm like, This is great. I have my own gray thing keeping me away and been a process to get more in touch with nature, but it's been so nourishing and so healing. It's one of those, like we're part of nature. I mean, our bodies are made up of stuff from the earth. Like, just stop and think about that, that it's like all of our physical form, was it something was, at some point something of the earth. We are literally of the earth, and so to be kind of there and allowing nature to kind of poke at us through the birds or through like branches creaking. And what's amazing is there's nature, literally, even in the most urban environments, whether it's just somebody potted a tree somewhere, there's nature happening. So you don't, you don't have to go to Costa Rica to get nature, although it is definitely enjoyable, but yeah, to get moments of peace and to get snapped out of my habitual thoughts, nature's become like a really good teacher in a place of peace for me that I do my best to get as much of. And it's even why I moved where I can just be right next to the ocean, so that, basically, even if I'm inside nature, can still tap me on the shoulder with with a view of dolphins or maybe a wave splashes and shakes my place. So I'd say embrace nature, because we are nature, and so it's just sort of like embracing part of who we, who we who we are at some of the most basic places. Yeah, those were intentional choices you made to be near nature I think. Oh, yeah, yeah. So we'll move in. Then to our last question. Oh, well, I can't wait building but, but building on choices. And no doubt you make choices differently now than you did when you were a young adult. So the question is, what would you today? Go back and tell 20 year old Justin about love, I would go back and really tell him to look into ways to discover or learn what it is to love himself first and take care of himself first. Because 20 year old Justin was really, you know, the broken, the broken paradigm of, I will, I will do for others, and then, and then they will somehow do for me. And it's gonna, it's gonna work out, and then I'll be happy, and then I'll feel love when I do enough for others, they'll they'll some point do enough, they'll recognize me and love me enough, and then I will feel fulfilled. It never happened. I'm really smart. If it's possible, I know I would have figured it out. So tell them, that's not how it works. It all comes from within, that what's going on outside is just a reflection of what's going on inside. And I tell them that I love them and that you are lovable, and that as soon as you let go of trying to please others and worry about others, because others, others are just as capable. And I think that is a very loving thing, to recognize that that others are capable of taking care of themselves. It doesn't mean, you know, I still am not going to cause harm to anybody, but short of that, I trust that all you know, adults that are capable, they can, they can speak up, or they can say no, and I'm going to, and I'm going to do the same for me, and so that then we can come together. And in more of a collaborative environment, instead of a transactional, obligatory reason of interacting, which was how I so I'd say, get out of get out of the fear, the obligation of the guilt which I write about, and start, start learning and getting into the joy, ease and love that is available to all of us whenever we decide we want to take the take the world up on that. So I think that's what I would I would tell myself perfect and thank you. Thank you for being with us here. Happy Valentine's Day. I'm excited that we spend some time together on this topic. I think people need to speak more about love and all the different ways that love manifests. And what you've provided today for insights is super valuable. So thank you. You're welcome. And I once, I think I saw a founder talking about, you know, he is doing like, a new type of dating app. And he's like, Oh, love is so love is so difficult. And I had to go up to him afterwards and go, like, No, it isn't. It's the easiest, it's the easiest thing there is, it's just what most people put on top of love that makes it complicated. They do like the cable internet package deal where it's like, Oh, love means you have to spend the night with somebody all the time. Or love means you have to always, you know, do whatever they ask you to. It's like, No, it doesn't, you know, internet can just be internet. You don't have to have to have the TV. You don't have to have the voice package. Love is actually very simple, very easy. It's just we've been taught to put a bunch of other junk and nonsense with it. And once you let go of all that, and just like let love be it can be pretty simple, pretty basic. You still have to worry about all that stuff. Just that has nothing to do with love. It's just other stuff. But Tanya, what's, what are your thoughts on love? Oh, that's a really broad question, yeah, well, you can use any of your questions, or what's been your experience, or where, where are you at in your journey of of love with self or with others? Gosh, the word that won't leave my head is detachment. Ooh, yeah, detachment from expectations, detachment from outcomes, detachment from need, actually, and just being in the moment with every person I'm with to create a loving environment, letting go of those definitions, like you mentioned, because they don't serve me anymore with where I am and so not chasing after the world's definition of love. I saw, I saw a I saw a beautiful Jay Shetty podcast moment with apparently my little household assistant hears me on I don't know why Jay Shetty picked picked her up, but, but he was interviewing Drew Barrymore, who has had some famous ups and downs in her romantic love life. Yeah. And she was reflecting how she couldn't find a good romantic partner, and in a very mature way, she was just saying how difficult it had been to connect with someone, to have that kind of loving relationship. And Jay had a beautiful thing to say about we've we've created this, this, this, this pyramid of of love and and romantic relationships are the the piece de la resistance of of, you know, you've arrived at love when you're in a romantic, loving relationship, and that's garbage. And then he pointed it out to drew that she, I think she has two daughters and and you know you have, you have maternal love, and you are surrounded by friends and community, and you and he, he pointed it out all the ways. He recognized that she is, she is cocooned in love from multiple directions, and not to let the world define that need that she had for a romantic relationship. And I And that, I mean that really, really resonated for me. I think was part of my journey of detachment, of being really happy with the communities that I have and the people that surround me and support me. So I'm pretty happy on that front as it relates to love. I love that that's beautiful. And I think it's a little bit of like the that, that package deal, yes, of love and of like, well, what is, what's all required of of a romantic relationship? Because, honestly, it's, I like to differentiate between lovership and partnership. But a lot of the quote, the quote, unquote partnership. Stuff can basically be outsourced to friends, to family, to, you know, other people. But lovership is that just like that spark, that juice, but that can just happen in, like, an instance of, like a passing grays and, you know, a meeting of eyes, and maybe you never even. Talk to the person. And so it's sort of like, when you decouple all that, oh, but I need to have all this other stuff. Then it's like, then you're gonna, of course, you're kind of gonna miss all these opportunities for the lovership, which is sort of that, that spark, just that, that whatever that is almost you can't even put to words, but it's just like it, it reminds you like, Oh, I am, I am alive, and oh, there's desire and there is want, and it doesn't have to be attached to all that other stuff either. No, no, no, and there's something to I'll just say male and female energy, and I don't want this to come out the wrong way. Well, I'll put it, because I've been to a lot of these environments, and so yes, all humans have both male and female energy. Yes, some tend to have more, more male, masculine, which can also be there's yin and yang, or different terms, masculine, feminine says surrender, and there's, there's all sorts of terms. But we're just going to use male and female mask, but use it as you were, because, you know, two women can have one more masculine more. I like to consider myself. I'm, like, 51% masculine, 49% feminine. I'm just just a little bit more. Okay, okay, fine. I mean, you know, I'm I like to flow. I like to be artsy and but then, you know, when I'm in a romantic relationship, I yeah, I like, I like to conduct, I like to direct. I like to, you know, yeah, yeah, I got you. But the that male female energy is more important to me than than romantic relationships at this, at this juncture in my life, and I was reflecting to someone the other day, and this is the part that I hope doesn't come across poorly. I'm surrounded by men. I'm surrounded by men who love me. You know, I Airstream, and I have a group of hate husbands of my you know that are friends of mine. They're husbands of other Airstream friends of mine, and, you know, and I get all that male energy when we when we travel together, when we're because I'm, I do both sides. I as a solo traveler, you know, I've got the mechanical haul and stuff, you know, driving a big rig kind of thing going on. And then I interact with the women to do the the more the more traditionally female tasks, like around family meals and that kind of thing when we're together. But I get so much male energy that I enjoy, you know your good friend, that I get great male energy from when we go and we network at events together. My needs are met because, I guess, in Jay Shetty pyramid, the middle of my pyramid so full, so full of the offsetting energy, because I've got plenty of male energy in how I interact. But that that, but that receiving of interaction, engagement and collaboration, partnership is those are, for me, the things that are important right now more important for me than what, than what packages up with, with romantic love. And so I'm very satisfied with where my life is. And that's what the most important thing is, is, are you satisfied? Because we have seasons of life too, like 100% for some reason, it's like, oh, you're supposed to have all of the things all of the time. And it's like, no, sometimes you just meant to just be on your own. Or maybe you're just meant to just have friends, or maybe you're meant to be just over the moon you know, in a romantic whatever and what you know, whatever it's, there's a time and a place for ourselves, and yeah, and we get to choose it, ideally, with a little help of, you know, noticing the seasons of nature too. I think there is something to respecting what the what the sun and the moon and all that are doing, because I've definitely been hibernating a lot this winter compared to previous, and I feel like it's going to bring a good a good harvest come summer and fall of 2025 so not be getting too down on myself, like I didn't do the 3 million things I thought I would do over Christmas and whatever, and just being loving of myself and like this is probably just what was best for me at this time. Yeah, those things will wait. You've been productive during your hibernation. Yeah, I've been trying to give myself credit that, like, sometimes me not doing much, I still do more than a lot of people will do in a lifetime, you know, not to, not to brag. I'm, you know, I'm an incredibly humble person. I'm the most humble person there is. But I it's, you know, just kind of trying to go, like, Wait, yeah, no, I got, I I do do some amazing stuff, and sometimes, yeah, the little stuff I do is big, instead of trying to do. But other people, I think, are doing great, because I just always used to compare myself to such amazing people. But it's not. Yeah, I think that's always helpful. It's good to get inspired. Inspire. Inspiration without comparation. Role models are important. They give us a place to reach toward in terms of impact, but it stopped there, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because we're meant to be we're meant to be us, not anybody else. Yeah, 100% but I will borrow a case method is my favorite copy and steal everything. So I will borrow from what I like, Oh yeah, it's, you know, such great ideas for how to do more, more that you enjoy. But it's, but it's very much choice. It's pick and choose, what, what, what fits for what you want to believe and achieve, yeah, for what, for what we want to create, for our own canvas of life, or each of our, I think, a, you know, we, we are engineered to love, to love everything in our life. Yet we are not an engineering project. We are an art project. Our life, our life is art. The human vessel is engineered to love, but what we do with it is is art. And so it really is just about for the experience, for the beauty, for the sake of creating, yeah? So that which is art is not linear. It is not structured. It is a mess at times. So if your life is a mess at times, you're doing it right, yeah, yeah, beautiful. I think that's a great place to wrap this and say thank you and Happy Valentine's Day. Thank you and happy Valentine's Day to you, Tanya, and to our listeners, all the listeners, yeah, thank you, perfect. Thanks for tuning in to engineering emotions and energy with Justin Wenck PhD, today's episode resonated with you. Please subscribe and leave a five star review. Your feedback not only supports the show, but also helps others find us and start their journey of emotional and energetic mastery. You can also help by sharing this podcast with someone you think will love it just as much as you do. Together, we're engineering more amazing lives you.