Powerful Deep Connection with 3 Simple Questions

In this episode, Justin Wenck, PhD, delves into the transformative "Rose, Bud, Thorn" questions— designed to deepen connections and enhance self-awareness. Justin shares personal experiences, including recent challenges and celebrations, illustrating how this method can be applied to foster more meaningful relationships whether you've been connected for years or mere moments.

Key Higlights:​

• The structure and purpose of the "Rose, Bud, Thorn" questions.​
• Rose: What Are You Celebrating?
• Bud: What Are You Cultivating?
• Thorn: What's Challenging or Ready to be Released?
• Practical applications for personal growth and strengthening connections.​
• Justin's personal journey through recent life events and the lessons learned.​

Tune in to discover how embracing this simple yet profound practice can lead to more authentic interactions and a deeper understanding of oneself and others.

Overcome the daily grind with transformative techniques from Justin's book, 'Engineered to Love.'

These practices aren't just about finding peace—they're about reconnecting with yourself and the world around you in meaningful ways.

Access your free materials today at engineeredtolove.com/sample and start living a life filled with joy, ease, and love. 

Watch the full video episode at Justin Wenck, Ph.D. YouTube Channel!

Check out my best-selling book "Engineered to Love: Going Beyond Success to Fulfillment" also available on Audiobook on all streaming platforms! Go to https://www.engineeredtolove.com/ to learn more!

Got a question or comment about the show? E-mail me at podcast@justinwenck.com.

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Transcript

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Have you ever noticed that a lot of times our interactions with people are very, very surface level, and sometimes you don't get to the things that matter, maybe not ever and or sometimes, like just not until the very, very end. Are you ready to live a life with enough time, money and energy have relationships and connections that delight you. Are you ready for the extraordinary life you know you've been missing? If so, then this is the place for you. I'm a best selling author, coach, consultant and speaker who's worked in technology for over two decades. I'm a leader at transforming people and organizations from operating in fear, obligation and guilt to running off joy, ease and love. It's time for engineering emotions and energy with me. Justin Wenck PhD, today, we're going to be talking about how to check in, how to drop in, how to connect or reconnect. That's right. So this might be people that you've known a long time, or maybe these are people you've just met. But how could you quickly get a deep, deep connection where you feel like you really know what's going on with this person, and you feel like they really know what's going on with you, and you feel closer and more in community, and like, oh my gosh, I'm so happy that I'm spending time with this person or with this group of people. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. And I'm going to be checking in with you my wonderful, wonderful audience, because it's it's been a while since it's been just you and me. If you're a regular listener watcher of the show, then you've probably been like, Okay, the last episode was, was great with tomorrow, about birthdays and things like that. But geez, Justin, it was like February since we last, you know, got to just connect with with you, I think. And I'm going to explain that and tell you what's been going on. And you might have also noticed, you know, not only was there a break between new releases of episodes, but now you might be kind of noticing that, wait It's like every other week. And going to go through that, tell you all that as part of this check in process that someone recently told me about that they they did at a event, or to think it's a business school related thing. Yet, I've seen these. I've seen these done something similar at dinner parties and just retreats. And sometimes I try to do this with people I know, or things like that, yet I really loved sort of the the model of this, the breakdown. So that's why I'm going to share it with you. Because this is something, again, it's somebody you haven't seen in a long time, or maybe this is somebody new, or maybe it's at a dinner party. Because a lot of times like, Have you ever noticed that a lot of times our interactions with people are very, very surface level. And sometimes you don't get to the things that matter, maybe, maybe not ever and or sometimes, like, just not until the very, very end. It's like I was recently got got a chance to go visit an old friend for her birthday, which I'm going to talk a little bit even more when we get get going. But we ended up getting to, you know, catch up for, like, I don't know, I was, like, three, four hours, something like that. And it really wasn't until the very last like, 10 minutes that we've gotten to, you know, one of the, one of the big things that was coming up for her, which was like, it's keep, keep hearing, keep feeling like it's time for, like, a big, big change in my life. And that's, that's overwhelming. It feels overwhelming. And it's like, I felt so honored to get to, you know, get to hear that, and to also share my perspective and things like that. And it was one of those, like, oh, you know, I'm glad we got to it, yeah. It's like, oh, would have been great if we would have had, like, you know, one or two hours to talk about that, right? So what is this method? There's basically three parts to it, three parts. And again, you can always kind of decide if you want to do all three parts, or if you know, you just want to do one or the other. You know, 123, pick any two, pick any one, you know, depending on the time and the structure. And, you know, maybe what you feel like the audience is, but yet, going to encourage you to, you know, because one of these is like, ooh, ooh, do I want to go there? Do I want to go there? I'm going to encourage you to like, yeah. The, whenever there's a little, like, the the tightness, the that's, that's where the juice is, you want to, you want to go for the juice, which means you got to do that. You got to do the squeeze. You got to do the squeeze. Ah, squeeze it, squeeze it. Yeah, right. Like, then, then there's the release. And it's like, Ah, I feel so good, right? Yeah, those of you listen to this while you're on the toilet, know what I'm talking about. I know. I know. I. I know you people. I know some of you. I know I know what you're doing when you're watching this or listen to this. I know I'm I get all the data. I get the facts. Now that's, I don't even if that is available. I'm not looking for that. But so the three, the three things are, it's done through the lens of rose bud and Thorn. So the rose a beautiful, amazing creation of nature, something to be celebrated. So that is sharing a celebration, something to celebrate. And again, I'm going to be going through each of these and sharing my own examples recently to help you know what's been going on with me and where the fuck I've been. So the rose celebration, the bud, this is something that's, it's going to be a rose someday, but it's not quite yet. It's very it's very tender. It hasn't fully opened to the world yet. So this is something you're nurturing, something that's like, Ooh, maybe you know it's not, you don't know if it's going to work out, right. So this is the bud. Is something you're nurturing. And then the thorn, this is something that you're letting go of, or I also like to would include in this, maybe something that's currently a challenge in your life. So it might not be something that you've even figured out what to let go of, or how to let go, but it's a challenge. It's a thorny thing. So rose bud, thorn something to celebrate, something that's to be nurtured and something to be let go of, or something that's currently a challenge, something that has potential to be a pain point in your life. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna share. So again, this is something that you know, if you're at a dinner party, you could either do like, you know, each question per round, you know, or you let somebody go through all three, you kind of just decide how you want to, you know, or you're, you've just met somebody, and you kind of go, Hey, I I got, I got some fun questions if you're up for it. Because, trust me, people are so ready to, like, really get to share and to really get to hear and feel connected. So you will be giving such a gift. If you're the person that goes like, Hey, I got something and some ideas of something we could talk about. You know, if you're up for it, you don't have to. I'll be surprised how many people aren't just like, oh my gosh, this is great. And you might have some of the best connections, best conversations you've had in your life. So for me, I'm going to start with a thorn, because this really is, you know, the reason why it's been such a break, and why I've kind of gone to doing every other weeks. I think I took three or four weeks from releasing a new episode. And the reason is, had a really big loss in my family, someone, you know, someone had been really, you know, big, big part of my family. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna say who, who it was. It's like, if you know, you know, or if you feel close enough and you want to reach out, but I kind of just like, I don't want to get into the details of, you know, who and what and how. But it was somebody, you know, really close in my family, died, passed away. And I kind of mentioned that on the previous episode, the birthday episode, because he said I got the news two days before my birthday. And so it was just like, oh, man, this, and it's really, really impactful for my for my dad, who I hadn't talked to. You know, we kind of been messaging, but we hadn't really been talking. You know, I don't think I'd seen him for over a year, maybe closer to two. So really not, not since my my mother had passed away, which has now been two and a half years, maybe more. There's just some things that like, I'm not I'm not good at keeping the time of things like time kind of flies, and for some of these things, and so, you know, the loss was, was difficult, and then just this, like, oh, how do, how do I interact with my dad and things like that, as was really, it was really thorny, and I wanted to be able to go down there and spend the time. So that was been a big, big pain point. And I think one of the things that I'm really letting go of is just this idea that I I can plan out my life and how things are going to work. Because I really thought I was going to go on a ski trip that the week right after my birthday, I cleared my entire calendar, but for some reason, I hadn't booked I hadn't booked a hotel yet. I was going to spend, you know, four nights ski for four days. I cleared my calendar, but I hadn't made I hadn't put any arrangements down that couldn't be taken back. And a, you know, get this, I get this news. And I was just like, Yeah, I'll be down. I'll be down, you know, on, on Monday, and I'll stay the week to, you know, help, help with arrangements. And, you know, just, just be there in this challenging time. And so is really, you know, really grateful that was able to do that. And, you know. Be there for my for my dad, and do the service and connect with the other people that were affected by this, by this loss. So that was that's been the big thorny thing in my life, is sort of been working through that. And, yeah, so that's why I, you know, canceled some of the shows basically because I just like, I don't know what things are, things are happening, and, yeah, it's because it's kind of like, I like to, you know, there's, there's some, some people that do shows that, do, you know, influencing stuff, that they just like, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's not my style. I like, I like to share with you. I like to share how you can get through things, not just vomit stuff at you. I like to, you know, I'll share that, oh, I vomited, and here's that, here's the here's the medicine that helped me so that I know I'm no longer vomiting. Because I want you to have the medicine. I want you to have the medicine so that maybe you don't have to vomit at all, or for as long or as painfully. That's one of the big goals of why I do this show, is to, you know, kind of like, bring light to stuff. And, you know, it's like, I'm going to acknowledge the dark times, the challenging times, yet, you know, I'm the type that I like to, you know, I have, I have my team of support for that. I'm not, I'm not here to get a bunch of people to, you know, go. I'm so sorry. Or I don't. I'm not looking for the peanut gallery to tell me what to do or whatever that so, yeah, I mean, so I'm, I'm grateful that you all are still with me, especially if you're new, welcome, and if you've been here a long time, you know, thank you for understanding, being patient. So, yeah, so that's been the thorn, I would say, is, you know, this loss, and you know, again, it's letting go of, really, for me, of just, you know, thinking that I know how things are going to work out. Because, you know, it's, you know, not lost my, you know, lost my mom way before I thought I would. And there's, you know, it's like, I kind of thought, like, well, this, this is how things are going to happen. And things are going to be like this till, I don't know, a long time. And, you know, just the universe, the world, whatever, is like, nope. This is happening now, and that's happening, and, yeah, the more that I'm willing to go with it, the easier it is, and the easier I'm able to get the gifts out of these experiences. And that'll that brings me to the bud, the nurturing. So, I mean, the one of the big things that I'm nurturing is the relationship with my dad, because it's kind of, you know, brought us together. We're sort of interacting, you know, talking a little bit more frequently, and spent time, got to know what his life's been up to. And, you know, he he'd gone through some really big health challenges. And seeing him, it's like he's his physical form is shifted the way, like, just, you know, really, kind of like, Huh, what's, what could this relationship be? Now, after, after this big, this big loss, this, this, these challenging times, it's, it's like, what, what could this be? I'm very, I'm, you know, unsure. I'm, I'm going carefully, of going, you know, with love for myself and him. I think that's one of the biggest things that I've learned, is to make sure that I'm, I'm loving myself, caring for myself, and from that place, then showing up, so that I can be loving, kind, generous, because I'm seeing in the, you know, I see in the past, that that's not how I showed up, and It was, you know, caused myself a lot of pain. It caused pain to those around me, and I've actually, this is maybe a little bit of something else I'm nurturing, is, is based off of my experiences of going back and, you know, sort of new relationship with my my father, and a lot of people that I now really have a framework of how relationships can can work. And I'm going to, I've got this model worked out. It's really kind of a culmination of, you know, my lifetime of experience that I think I've been able to distill in a very simple, effective way that I can teach you, so you can kind of maybe know where you're at and where you want to be. And, you know, it's like, you know, things like, things like my book definitely have stuff that allows you to progress, and I also can share it, also be sharing it in a way that a lot of the stuff isn't linear. It's not like you get to this higher level and you're all of you is there forever. It really is very dynamic. But able to see that can allow you to really improve your relationships with you, know yourself and anybody, anybody you interact with, especially those that maybe you've known the longest, because those can sometimes be the most challenging. So. So do make sure that you are subscribed following, because I'm going to share that in an upcoming podcast, and it'll probably be like other ways that you know, this really is groundbreaking model that I don't think I've ever seen it shared in this way. I've seen little bits and pieces, but I've really, like gotten it down into like, Okay, this is, this is how you or who you think you are, or who you really are, or who you are not, is working, and that's a little hint of maybe some of what's going to so definitely keep looking so that's something I'm nurturing and getting excited to share something else that I am nurturing that's budding is I will be providing a workshop about turning your triggers into treasures through laughter and jokes. And I'm really excited. But, you know, there's a little like, I love the joke as much as possible, and I'm looking forward to and so this is, like a very it's at a at a retreat. And so I'm so happy I got selected to be able to present this workshop for the first time ever, because it's really going to help people. And this might be something that at some point I'm I'm able to teach to a broader audience. Yet, you know, these are all things where, if you're listening to this and you're like, Fuck, I want that now, definitely reach out, connect with me. And, you know, we can either go through some of the stuff one on one, or I could do, you know, do a talk, a workshop, you know, for your company or your group, or whatever it is. I've really noticed how, you know, many people just get stuck in something that triggers them, that upsets them, and it's like, what's it? What's a trigger? It could be any depends on the person, because it could be something like, you know, really, really horrible, awful, traumatic violence, abuse, or it could just be traffic. And the thing is, the emotional, physiological response can practically be identical, and so the ways to work with that can be very similar. And what I've noticed is that many people kind of get stuck, and maybe they're able to to work with that and not not just bury it or be buried by it, yet they're not really able to transmute that into a form that is able to change their life and the life of those around them into something of benefit. Because I really do believe that anything, quote, unquote, bad, frustrating that happens to us is can be seen as a gift that shows us like, oh, there's there's a way. There's another way I would want it to be. And this workshop, I'm going to teach people how it can be that way. So that's something that I'm, I'm nurturing, is that and, you know, coming up with jokes and things like that, and just like, oh, how could I do some, some ballsy, some ballsy jokes that, you know, if, if needed, right? Like, you know, the joking about death, joking about about cancer, you know, something like, you know, I'll, I'll do a cancer joke, because I think they're funny. But yeah, my good friend of mine already recently was, you know, had suffered, suffering from cancer. And they were, they were in the cancer wing, undergoing treatment, and it was the the conditions were so bad. You want to know how bad the conditions were at this, at this cancer wing, so bad. People are just dying to get out of there. Now, I think that's funny. That's funny. And is it in poor taste. It is. But it can also be fun, because and laughter is such a gift. Because this is a little preview. Is because it requires a different perspective than what most people have, and then what you might be wanting to have, and then also the laughter is movement of emotional energy. So this is all the good start, and then it's, what do you do with that after? That's the that's the big part, because, again, just taking making jokes of stuff, not necessarily going to shift it. There's the potential, right? But it's and how do you shift it? So I'm really, I'm excited about this, this workshop. So those are things I've been nurturing. And now celebration. Let's move on to celebration. So I did, I did have a birthday recently, celebrated 44th and even with, you know, the the loss and the some of the challenges in these I really did have a great, a great birthday where I got to enjoy some good food. I got to enjoy being at a place where I could, you know, soak in hot tub and cold plunge and steam room and just and then also just get to lounge and watch some some good TV with with a really amazing person. So it was, you know, it was small, it was intimate, but it was had all, all the favorite things that I really wanted, and they're celebrating, you know, the that experience, and also celebrating that in the midst of you. Uh, challenges, because in the past, I've had some really gnarly birthday experiences, you know, even result in me going to the hospital those that like that gnarly. And this was very fun, very enjoyable. And so celebrating that, and then also celebrating that. Basically, in the past month, I've returned to where I grew up, Orange County, and then also I've returned from where I lived a good chunk of my adult, adult life after school. So remember, I went to school a lot. So after high school, I went to Cal Poly San, Luis Obispo took took me five years to finish my undergraduate degree in electrical engineering and then to finish my doctorate at UC Davis. Took me another six years, but I lived in Folsom basically for like, like 1111, years, working mostly at Intel and, you know, I owned a home there at by both Orange County, both Orange County and Folsom, very, very suburban, as maybe you've picked up on that, I would say I'm suburban presenting. Yet I'm actually quite eccentric. We'll go with eccentric. I don't, I don't do things the way most people do. I have different thoughts, have different ideas. I've had a lot of very different experiences than what most people would assume. You know, a suburban, white, heterosis gendered male would would get up to that it's, you know, this box should be like, it's not even, I feel like that's it's not even a box. It's like a character, it's a point. And I don't fit into that. I actually believe that very few people actually do fit into that, that, you know, many people are just pretending, and that there really is a vast spectrum of of, of people that you know, seem, you know, quote, unquote orthodox in whatever way that that's why I kind of, I'm not a big fan of, you know, people just going, I'm so different. And you know, you're not, and it's like, fuck you. Like, how do you don't you don't know me. You don't know me. Just because you, you know, maybe there's something salient that it's clear you are different, or you're whatever. There's things that you we would have in common, and then there's going to be things that I'm doing, you know? So I really do believe that we are, we're human with a lot of similarities and unique. And, you know, there's a spectrum in between that we get to play with, and it's and it's beautiful, and you get to choose how we want to, how we want to play from you know, what we look like, what we where, what activities we do, who we do them with. That's, that's the beauty of the human experience. Whenever I'd go to Folsom for whatever reason, and it had been two years, and it almost been, like, two and a half or more since I've been to Orange County, because, again, it's like, I just had it's like, I don't belong here. I don't like these places. I don't like that. I don't like how the people are. I don't like how they're structured. Yet, I've, you know, been doing a lot of work on in changing my opinions and beliefs and identity with regards to the suburbs and what they're like and who they are. And I really had, you know, really ended up being able to enjoy my time in Orange County, you know, did help that I spent a good amount of time in Laguna Beach, which is right on the beach. So eventually we're going to have some pictures and videos coming very soon. So be on the lookout for that again. Make sure you follow me on social media at Justin Lake PhD, so you know, you check that out, and I'll and then when I went to Folsom, it was just really beautiful. I got to go for this friend's birthday celebration, and just to experience the amount of nature that is available, especially this time of year, of spring, and the sort of abundance that many people there, I know not everybody does, but there is, you know, a lot of people doing good things, and there's they're sharing it with with others. And I got to experience, you know, some good generosity, some good hospitality from from many old friends, and they just kind of come out that we're not all meant to live the same way in the same places, and to treasure that and appreciate that and enjoy that. Because we we all have different things that we're into at different times, because there's also seasons, like in through the year. But our lives have seasons. And it's like, I kind of, I've had my my suburb seasons. I'm now it's a small coastal town, small coastal city season that is adjacent to a really big city, which is, I love it. I'm, you know, really close to San Francisco. So I really appreciate that for a lot of things that I get into and. Joy, and especially traveled so so those are the things that I'm celebrating so much to celebrate and and I also celebrate. I don't even know if I got a chance to talk about this yet, but I think I did do an episode that I was in Guatemala, so celebrating my first international trip in over a year. That was also really cool. And this leads to something else that I'm nurturing. See, there's been so much stuff I've missed you guys. I've missed you guys so much, but, you know, appreciate you allowing me the time to take care of myself, and you know what I needed to do personally. But another big thing is like, you know, so that trip, and you know, I've done all these other trips, and this really is feeling like there's going to be a lot more travel coming up this year. And the podcast has been on YouTube for well over a year now. It's doing phenomenal. It really is one of the best outlets. I'm so happy for those of you that are watching on YouTube. If you're not, go check it. Go check out on YouTube and subscribe. There's a version where you can watch, and there's a version you can listen. It's good, it's great. But it's like, Hey, I got this YouTube channel, like, I could actually put some long form stuff of my travels, so working on a little project of how, you know, branding that, getting that out, so that you know, if you want to, like, see, like, you know what it was like for me in Guatemala, because maybe you're, maybe you've never even heard about it, like, what's that like? And maybe you'll go, maybe not. But hey, I want, I want you to get to enjoy the fun, the excitement of travels, even if you're not really able to, or maybe you don't want to. So that's, something that's being nurtured and see just so hopefully, in a month or so, again, so great that you're here and remember it's rose bud and Thorn. So the rose is what you're celebrating, the bud is what you're nurturing, and the thorn is what you're either letting go of, or what's currently a challenge or a pain point in your life, and so, you know, this is something you bring up if you're having, like, a dinner party, if it's somebody you haven't seen in a long time, or if it's somebody that you've just met, this is going to dramatically increase how connected you feel with those that you connect with. So you're going to get depth much faster. And and I think that's something that most of us would love to have more of. And so this is something you could even do as somebody that you see every day. But do you go to this level of depth with you know some of these people you see every day? So I'm going to challenge you. Let me know. Let me know in the comments who you might be doing the Rosebud Thorn, check in, drop in connection questions with, I'd love to hear who you're doing it with. That sounded dirty. Who you doing it with? Yeah, who you, who you doing it with, and then, if you've and if you've done it, yeah, tell me who you did it with. And how did it go? You dirty dogs. Did you who'd you do it with? Who you gonna do with? And then who did you do it with? Yeah, I want to know what you're doing and who you're doing it to. So, yeah, let me, let me know in the comments. Yeah. And again, if any of the stuff that I'm nurturing or that I've gotten up to you're like, super excited about and because really, you know I'm I do stuff that I enjoy, but if there's something that you're like, this would make my life so much better. If you got on this might help me to reprioritize whatever. So don't be shy. Reach out and go Justin. I really want. I really want that. Can you give me that now? How do I? How do I have that tool? How do I have that experience? Like, it's a lot of a lot of life, my friend, my friend, is just asking. Just ask. So with that, I ask you, please. You know, like, subscribe, follow, rate all that stuff. Thank you so much for your patience, for your understanding and your continued support of the show, and always open to finding out ways to better support you with the work and stuff they do with that. Thank you and good day. Thanks for tuning in to engineering emotions and energy with Justin Wenck PhD, today's episode resonated with you. Please subscribe and leave a five star review. Your feedback not only supports the show, but also helps others find us and start their journey of emotional and energetic mastery. You can also help by sharing this podcast with someone you think will love it just as much as you do. Together, we're engineering more amazing lives you.