Why No One Understands You (and What to Do About It)

What if your struggles with communication weren’t about skills...

…but about beliefs?

In this eye-opening episode, Justin goes beyond communication techniques and dives into your relationship with communication itself. If you’ve read the books, taken the courses, or rehearsed the perfect pitch—and still find yourself misunderstood or tongue-tied—this is the episode you’ve been waiting for.

⚠️ Spoiler: If you believe communication is unsafe, complicated, or pointless…Your reality will keep reflecting that back to you.

Check out the episode to learn..

🔑 Key Topics & Takeaways:

• The difference between communication skills and communication beliefs
• Why it doesn’t matter how well you speak—if deep down, you expect to be misunderstood
• How childhood experiences shape adult communication fears
• The “privilege myth” around being heard and respected
• What communication is really about (hint: it’s not agreement or compliance)
• Powerful new beliefs you can adopt today for easier, safer connections
• Why expectation-free communication creates the most freedom

👂 Enjoyed this episode?

➡️ Subscribe, rate, and share with someone who struggles to be heard.

💬 Want to connect?

📩 DM Justin on Instagram or LinkedIn: @JustinWenckPhD

📅 Book a powerful 1-on-1 session: https://tidycal.com/justinwenckphd

📘 Grab the book:

🔧 Engineered to Love is your toolkit for shifting beliefs and living an impactful life you love.

👉 Learn more https://www.engineeredtolove.com/

Watch the full video episode at Justin Wenck, Ph.D. YouTube Channel!

Check out my best-selling book "Engineered to Love: Going Beyond Success to Fulfillment" also available on Audiobook on all streaming platforms! Go to https://www.engineeredtolove.com/ to learn more!

Got a question or comment about the show? E-mail me at podcast@justinwenck.com.

Remember to subscribe so you don't miss the next episode! Connect with me:
JustinWenck.com
Facebook
Instagram
LinkedIn
YouTube

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended, music and pics belong to the rightful owners.

=====================================================

Transcript

Justin Wenck: 0:00

Today I am talking about communication, and more specifically, what is your relationship to communication, your beliefs about communication. And you might be going like, I've never thought of that or heard of that, and most people don't. And that's why most people, no matter how many seminars, no matter how many books they read or trainers that they get, they still have challenges with their communication. So buckle up, get ready, and let's talk about communication. Are you ready to live a life with enough time, money and energy have relationships and connections that delight you? Are you ready for the extraordinary life you know you've been missing? If so, then this is the place for you. I'm a best selling author, coach, consultant and speaker who's worked in technology for over two decades. I'm a leader at transforming people and organizations from operating in fear, obligation and guilt to running off joy, ease and love. It's time for engineering emotions and energy with me. Justin Wenck, PhD, so a lot of people that maybe that you've experienced before, maybe even you know from myself, it's often kind of a very simplistic view of communication, where usually it's you start and you're just bad at it, like it's just, like, this is not good, like it's you're unclear. You don't you're not listening to people, you're not understanding people. And then there's better ways to communicate. So you learn, like, techniques. You learn phrases, ways to structure how you talk. You learn, maybe even just simple ways of how to enunciate better, or how to use your vocal range. It just becomes like, all mechanical, or it becomes about like, well, making sure you say something. And I'm not saying that that isn't that isn't important. That is very important. It's still a very key part of communication is, is the mechanics and the fact that you do it and that you say what it is you want to get across yet. Have you ever considered What's your relationship just with the concept of communicating, and what are your beliefs around that? And so if you've been, you know, keeping up with the show, this is the third episode where we've kind of been talking about a concept, but looking at it and sort of more depth from multiple angles than just the typical here's here's three ways to have a better this. So if you go back, you know, two episodes ago, we're talking about, what's your relationship, your beliefs about structure in your life, and how having structure that you create, that you decide to benefit your life is very healthy and beneficial. Whereas many people it's like, oh, I'm either conforming to whatever structure is given to me or I'm rebelling against it, right? Like, you know, good example is, you know, a nine to five job, you got to be in the office four days a week. Boom, you're either there or it's like, fuck you. I'm going to find ways to get around this. I'm coffee badging, or I'm not showing up, and you know, good luck trying to catch me like either way, you're still not consciously creating and in control of your life. You're just responding when you're not even responding. You're just reacting to what's already there, what others have put up for you. And then last week, we got a little bit into, oh man. Now I'm like, What did I what I always time? It was time is what? What are your beliefs and your relationships to just the concept of time and how long things should take. Because often it's all about like, well, if I do this or that, or I gotta do this, because everything takes a set amount of time, if I don't start it now, then it'll never happen. And or, Oh, just this has to take this long, or it can't go faster than that. Whereas, as we discussed in the last episode of it was, it was about, Okay, what if? What if I changed what I thought was possible with how long things need to take or should take, right? Because often we it's all about, like, oh, how can I do things faster, more efficient, be quicker, better whatever. Like, it's like, we're trying to learn win some kind of race. Yet maybe it's about slowing down and how to really enjoy and savor and get the most out of an experience that could be really enjoyable. And why would you want to go through that faster and along these same veins? We're going to be talking about your relationship with communication. What do you believe about communication? And again, when I say belief, this isn't you know your belief into your Lord and Savior or your prophet, or you know your sacred text. This, this gets it's both simultaneously, way simple, yet in some ways can be even. Profound than that. And so what I mean is just, what are your assumptions about the world? Because there's many, many philosophers, texts, gurus, whatever. And even if you just kind of like, really stop and think and you know, question, how do you know anything is true. Really the there's those that have said that the only thing that is fundamentally true is I am, that I am existing, that I am someone experiencing whatever. I'm existing. You're you're here, existing because you're hearing me, watching me, you're taking this in, you're having this experience right now. That's the only thing that you can know for a fact that is absolutely 100% true. Everything else is kind of like hearsay or a story. And so, you know, you can't walk around going like, I don't know, is

Unknown: 5:57

the floor? Is the floor solid? Or does air breathable?

Justin Wenck: 6:02

You, you would go insane. And so you create assumptions well, and oftentimes you didn't create them. Others created them, put them upon you. And many of these are very helpful assumptions, beliefs about what is true about our world, so that we can live and do things and interact like the floor is solid, that the air is safe to breathe, more or less right. Water is something that I can drink, and it's going to hydrate me like these are all more or less beneficial beliefs. Yet, what are your beliefs about some of these other things, such as communication like, what is it? What is communication mean? Is communication fraught with peril? Is it fraught with misunderstandings? Is is communication like just fraught with a challenge. Is it fraught with complexity? Like, what is like when you start to think and look back at all of your experience with communicating? You know when, from when you were a kid with your parents or your guardians, family members, friends, teachers, other students, co workers. As you get older, professors, you know, people in clubs and things like that, romantically start to notice the patterns, and it's like, oh, what are the underlying assumptions about communication? Because if you believe that communicating is dangerous, or communicating is complicated, or communication leads to misunderstandings, then it almost doesn't matter, like how good you are at, you know, personal constructing persuasive sentences and using the proper modulation to have a very exciting and very, you know, robust way of talking, because, if you you're scared, because it's like, well, if I'm gonna, if I'm gonna be misunderstood, if somebody's gonna, you know, blow up at me, then, like, this communication thing is just gonna, gonna suck, right? So start to notice, like, what it is that you believe about the simplest things you know within reason. Like, I'm not going to say, Do this? Do everything today, but right now, start to go like, what? What must be going on about my relationship with communicating? Am I afraid of communicating and not just because maybe you don't have the competency in getting up in front of people or talking to people or making requests or things like that, because there's that, and there's ways to do that. So that might be something that, hey, that is the first step for you, is to, you know, go join Toastmasters and start getting up in front of people, or go, go to a workshop where you get to practice, you know, expressing your desires and saying no and things like that. But once you've got enough competency in a lot of these areas, and you start to notice that, hey, even though I know I've got the skills, but things aren't changing the way I want. It's like, it's just keep having the same challenge over and over. It's it's just the same patterns, and not much else is shifting. It might be your beliefs, your relationship to communication in general, because if as much as maybe you do Toastmasters and you master the art of communication, but if you have a belief that people are going to misunderstand what I say, then they're still going to misunderstand. You're going to find a way to have them misunderstand what it is that you have to say, no matter how well you planned it. You're going to subconsciously. You're going to, like, slip a word or Bumble over something, and you're going to make it hard to understand. Understand, because that's what's true for you, because it has been, because perhaps you grew up in an environment where nobody listened, and so you were all. You were always missing. That was, that was the truth of how you grew up. Yet, let's be honest, you've probably seen many people communicate that understand each other. Many people communicate and say the craziest things, and yet it's safe, like nothing bad happens to them. And in fact, in much of this world, and sometimes it's backwards, where it seems like wait, people say the craziest, most fucked up things, and they get rewarded, right? Like, you know, looking at politics, looking at celebrities, things like that. Yet, there's probably some other beliefs that you have that prevent you from actually taking that in, that that's a possibility, like, well, that person's a bad person, right? Or that person, that person is a privileged person. That person's privileged, like, I didn't grow, I didn't have that privilege. I Boy, wouldn't that be wouldn't that be nice if I was privileged and could say that and get rewarded? But that's not for me, and it you know, and you're probably, in your mind, you're coming up with what privilege looks like to you. Like, there's, I'm sure there's, there's a model of what a privileged person looks, sounds like, what they all that stuff. And the thing is, I have people from all over the world that listen, that watch this, and they look different from different I can each one of the each one of you watching this, listening to this, has a different representation, and you're all right, and you're all completely fucking wrong because privilege. We all have different privileges, and we all have different challenges. And what's a privilege to one person is a challenge to another person, and what's a challenge to another person is a privilege to another person. We all have different things that allow us to have a different experience in this world, and so it really the fact that it's, oh, it's it's that person's privilege. It's total bullshit. You can be built just as privileged. You just have to believe that you are, and that's where looking at what is it you believe that, oh, I have to be this type of a person to have my communication land in this way. I have to be this type of person to be able to be in relation with people that will actually allow me to express who I really am, what do I really desire? What do I really want? And it's okay if you're not there, because you are where you are, and that's beautiful. This is part of the process, and I'm here as somebody to you know, a guide, a helper, on your path to go, hey, you've made it this far. Like, but here's, here's a preview of maybe the next part of your path, the next thing to check out, the next thing to try, the next mountain to possibly enjoy seeing. Like, well, what's it like? What are you going to see and what are you going to experience when you get to the top? So what are some really awesome beliefs, relationships you could have with communication, like a really profound, amazing one is just that communicating is safe for myself and those around me. It's safe physically and it's safe emotionally, right? Because there's many of you that you don't you never worried about physical safety yet. Ooh, the emotion of the emotional cutting that could have happened if you didn't say the right thing at the right time, right? What if it was just safe? Like, again, this isn't to say that just like, be some asshole that's just like, hey, I want to, you know, hey, I'm gonna go, go fuck your mother, because I want you. I've always wanted to fuck your mother, so I'm gonna fuck your mother. So there you go. And it's like, holy shit, my mother's dead, so I guess she won't really move around much, you know, you, you know, it's like, you don't go and say stuff like that. Like, why would you? Like, you should never say anything like that anywhere that's awful to say. But you know, so you have your awareness, it's not about causing harm or frustration. You're going to say it in a ways that you best can yet it's going to be okay. Like, you don't have to be perfect. You're going to do your best, and then the other person is going to do their going to do their best to understand. And one of the very key things is there's been confusion in our culture that communication is about getting other people to agree and do exactly as you want. That's not the fucking point of communication, if you communicate, and nobody ever agrees with you, and nobody ever does what you said, yet you're respected, you're heard, you're understand, you're understood, and you're allowed to live how you want to live. That is amazing. Thing that is a great state to be in. That's really what it's all about. That's what communication is about. Is it's about connecting and to learn and to grow and to just get to express and be in connection with other people. It's not about getting somebody to do what you want. It's not about getting someone to agree with you and anybody that that's their belief. I mean, one of something I believe is that anybody that doesn't want to accept me for wanting what I want or being able to say what I say, they they're not somebody that gets gets to experience me. They're just they don't get to be my world. They can be anywhere else, but I don't need to talk to them, right? And this has led to many people, many people that I've grown up with had lots of experiences over the years, through school, through work. They're not in my life anymore, and that's okay. Great, wonderful people, just not for me, right? And that's okay. That's okay. That brings space for those that are in alignment with wanting to understand. They don't have to agree, they don't have to do what I want, but they can go, Oh, thank you for sharing. I appreciate that. And here's, here's what I say, here's what I think, here's what I want, here's what I believe, and we get to dialog and connect and some things, it's gonna be like, yeah, that's just good. We're in alignment on this. Another thing is like, not so much. Like, oh, you what? Oh, that's what you want to do for dinner. Like, fuck yeah, let's do that. Wait. You. You think that movie is an enjoyable movie that sounds awful. Fuck that. But you go, you enjoy. I want you to be able to go have that movie experience, but I'm going to do something else that's cool, that's a part of the dance, part of the fun, the joy of being humans, communicating with other humans. So start to consider what is, what has your relationship, your beliefs about communication been, and then, what could they be? Could you believe that it's safe to communicate for yourself and those around you? Could you believe that it's okay for people to not agree with you, it's okay for you to want something from somebody, and it's okay for them to say, no, like, are those, is that okay? Because if you believe that's okay, then, oh yeah, it becomes so much more enjoyable, so much more fun to actually communicate with people, like, with people you know, people you love, people you've just met, people you maybe you're just, you know, talking to over a podcast or through YouTube or through social media or through your writings. Can you imagine how this could open up so much for you if you have the beliefs of how beautiful communication is, how safe it is, what a gift it is to just be able to communicate without expectation. Ooh, that communication doesn't require expectation. Oh, isn't that a good belief? Have you had that belief that there, when I communicate something, I need to get something I get, need to get a particular response back? Ooh, yeah. And again, like the fact that you want to feel safe, physically and emotionally, that's fine. That should be the gold standard for everything. And if it's not, those people don't need to be in your life, right? It's like one thing, if they're they're learning and they're practicing. Again, it's like having some some allowances, because I feel like that's been one of the big things is where it feels like it's it hasn't. It's like, well, if I I want to, I think everybody's cool. I'm cool with everybody, you know, whatever they they believe, or however they identify, or whatever they desire. Yet i It's like, if I use the wrong term, like they're going to think I'm bad. And so it's like, what does that lead to? It's just like, well, I guess I just don't want to be around these, you know, people that I'm afraid I'm going to mess up around, and that that divides us, that keeps us separate, whereas if we allow each other to be human and just be like, oh, oh, thank you for, thank you for talking to me and letting me know. And, yeah, I just like to be called this. Like, I like to be called Justin. Like, yeah, yeah. Like, a lot of a lot of people, sometimes they, they call me John for whatever reason, or James, but my name is Justin, thanks. Like, it's Yeah. And what do you know? What's What do you like to be called? Oh, right, like it can be, and it can just be about anything, if we go into that and believing that there's the best of intentions all around that people aren't out there to harm us, to hurt us, because most people, they really aren't. So very few people that are actively out there. Are trying to harm us, right? Most people, it's just they're ignorant. They don't know. They're unaware, they're unconscious. And good news, bad news, because you've listened to this episode, you are now more aware. You are now more conscious, and so you're going to start to notice your patterns in communication. And because of that, you're going to be able to start to shift those and change those. And if you want to shift them more easily and quicker, then I'd love to work with you. There's lots of other great coaches, great resources, or if you're like, I'm not ready to work with you, Justin like, my book engineered to love, is also an amazing, great resource to start working on some of these things. And like I've mentioned, Toastmasters, and then there's 12 step groups, and there's other other places there out in the world that can help you work with, you know, some of these more nuts and bolts types of things to do with communication and, you know, dealing with beliefs. That's one of the things that I love to work with people on. So if you're just like, Okay, I think I know it, or you're like, I have no idea. Justin, like, I probably have some of these, but I don't know, because sometimes we have the belief that I don't know what my beliefs are. That's the thing about beliefs is that your world is constructed to be the way it is, and it can be whatever you want it to be. When you're willing to start to look, investigate and go, ooh, what if I change this? Yeah, just like your home, the floor, the floor is solid, until you start pulling up, you know, the floorboards and things like that. And then, you know, you could fall through, but then you could also put something more beautiful, even more sound, more supportive. And that's what this episode has been all about, is how to have more sound, more stable, more safe, more loving, more caring, communication. So with that, I'd love to hear what you have to say. Drop a comment, send me something through Justin Wenck, PhD, and I'd love to hear, you know, what are your thoughts on, you know, how have you been communicating? What's the pattern? And then, what do you think would be a beneficial shift in your relationship, your belief about communication? So with that, thank you so much, and good day. Thanks for tuning in to engineering emotions and energy with Justin Wenck, PhD, today's episode resonated with you. Please subscribe and leave a five star review. Your feedback not only supports the show, but also helps others find us and start their journey of emotional and energetic mastery. You can also help by sharing this podcast with someone you think will love it just as much as you do. Together, we're engineering more amazing lives you I think.