The 3 Ways Wanting Goes Wrong—And How to Get It Right

Wanting isn’t the problem. In fact, it’s the beginning of everything meaningful in your life. But somewhere along the way, we learned to suppress, shame, or override our desires—until we forget what we even want in the first place.

In this episode, I break down three common ways wanting goes wrong, share a few weird/funny stories from my own life (including slapping hams like bongo drums), and guide you back to wanting in a way that feels exciting, intuitive, and safe.

In this solo episode, Justin dives into:

• Why most people don’t actually know what they want
• How your wants may not even be your own (yep, societal programming is sneaky)
• The difference between wanting and having
• And how reclaiming the right to want is the start of actually getting what you deeply desire

And yes—there’s a story involving slapping hams like bongo drums. It makes sense. Trust us.

💡 Key Takeaways:

• Why most people can’t answer the question: “What do you want?”
• The 3 Wanting Traps:
• Not knowing what you want
• Wanting what others want for you
• Confusing wanting with having
• How childhood shame and social pressure kill your connection to desire
• Why simply wanting doesn’t mean you have to have it
• How reclaiming your wants is the first step toward actually enjoying life
• Practical ways to rediscover your wants
• Justin's fabulous 5-minute energy practice to reconnect with your true wants: LEAP

What’s one thing you actually want but haven’t dared say out loud? Let me know in the comments.

✨ Links & Resources:

1. 🔗 Join the waitlist for the LEAP self-guided energy practice:
2. 👉 https://justinwenck.com/leap
3. 🔗 Connect with Justin or book a session:
4. 👉 https://justinwenck.com
5. 📩 Know what you want? Or don’t? Share it with Justin.

Remember to Subscribe, rate & review to keep the good stuff flowing, and Share this episode with a friend who’s tired of living someone else’s dream.

Watch the full video episode at Justin Wenck, Ph.D. YouTube Channel!

Check out my best-selling book "Engineered to Love: Going Beyond Success to Fulfillment" also available on Audiobook on all streaming platforms! Go to https://www.engineeredtolove.com/ to learn more!

Got a question or comment about the show? E-mail me at podcast@justinwenck.com.

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Transcript

Justin Wenck: 0:00

Today I'm going to be talking about wanting, and specifically three areas where wanting can go wrong, and then we're going to talk about how it can start to go right. So the three things are going to talk about is, one, not knowing what you want. Two, wanting what others want for you instead of wanting what you truly want. And the third thing is confusing wanting for having, and go through that, and then you're going to have some awareness, and then going to give you some things that you can do with your new awareness, and so that you can enjoy wanting, and also maybe start having some of the things that you've always wanted. Are you ready to live a life with enough time, money and energy have relationships and connections that delight you? Are you ready for the extraordinary life you know you've been missing? If so, then this is the place for you. I'm a best selling author, coach, consultant and speaker who's worked in technology for over two decades. I'm a leader at transforming people and organizations from operating in fear, obligation and guilt to running off joy, ease and love. It's time for engineering emotions and energy with me. Justin Wenck, PhD, so with that, let's get started. So wanting. It seems so easy, like everybody wants something, yet often, most people, you could be really happy. What do you want? And oftentimes they don't even say something they want. It's usually they want to get rid of something like, Oh, I wish this job didn't suck. I wish I had a better relationship. Or I wish I had a relationship. Or I wish that, you know, I didn't have these bills that I had to pay. Or I wish this pain in my neck would stop. And all of these are kind of the cessation of things that are painful, problematic, annoying, not fun. They aren't actually something that you want to move towards. And so a lot of people, they don't even know what they want anymore, because live the life where they haven't even gotten it, or if they did want something, they might have been either belittled or punished for it. So it's like, why bother wanting something? So it's like, you know, it's like, Okay, I'm gonna have complaints. Everybody's most people are okay with complaints. I'm not. I'd rather not hear complaints. I'd rather hear your successes and celebrate them with you. Yet, if you, you know, if you ever watch news or most media, most television, it's often about what's going wrong, what's what's not right in the world, all those things. Not to say that those things aren't true, yet, it's a small, infinitesimal part of the story. And there can be so much more that can be even better when we start to think of, like, oh yeah, what I want it to be like, you know, thinking of, you know, AI and robotics, what's, what's the world going to be like that? Most people just go, I don't want to lose my job, or I don't want, I don't want to have a robot army fighting me and killing me and my family. And it's like, again, it's not something you want that's something you're afraid of. Wants, desires are things that like, bring joy and excitement of like, oh, and chances are you're maybe just let go of wanting stuff. But when you were a kid, you wanted things. I know when I was a kid and I still believed in Santa Claus, which was not getting into when I stopped believing in Santa Claus, but before that point, it was so easy for me to go like, Oh, I want, I want this the Nintendo, and I want this video game, oh, and I want a Lego and then I want Lincoln Logs. Oh, and I want, I want a pogo stick, and I want a remote controlled car, and I wanted all that shit. And it was just fun to want it and then be surprised and Christmas and be like, yay. And many of us have forgotten that and lost touch with that, and it's just like, Santa doesn't come. Santa doesn't exist. It's just gonna be hard work and nonsense. So like, why even bother? Why even bother wanting? So if you've experienced this, then you know, definitely, you know, let me know. I'd love to hear like, do you even know what you really want, which is something that you've you just talk about it and excites you, right? I'd love to hear from you. So that's the first area where wanting can go wrong. And it's basically, it's like non existent. It's just giving up. It's just gone, fuck it. I guess I'll just take what I get, get what I get, and not even bother because there's maybe been experiences of wanting something and being so disappointed by not getting it or being shamed just by simply wanting it. It like, you know, maybe, maybe, like you just, you really wanted to just buy a couple of hams from the store and put them out and just slap them like they were drums, just so you could feel, you know, have your hammy hands smacking and slapping like a slap in a slap bass or some bongo drums, whatever it is that was your dream. And then maybe you said it to a friend, somebody you know, an adult, somebody you thought you trusted, and they went, What the fuck is wrong with you wanting to slap hams with your hands like bongo drums. That's nonsense. That is wasteful, and you should be ashamed of yourself for wanting that. How dare you even mention having ham handed bongo drums, right? And you just that happens a few times, especially at the right age, and holy shit, I better not want for anything. Let's be clear, there's nothing wrong with wanting, and we're going to get get into that later when we talk about the third the third thing, which is wanting versus having. So let's get to the second thing, which is maybe you do want some things yet, are they actually things that you want, or those things that others want you to want? Right? Think of how many people that you know want this, and perhaps you've wanted this, and perhaps you're actually living this. Maybe you even have this. It's you want to get a good education, you want to get a good job, you want to make good money, because you want to get in a relationship and get married, and you want to have a house that you can purchase. And so they with this person that she married, now you can have children, and then you want to raise the kids in a safe place, and you want them to repeat the cycle. And then you just want to retire at the end of the day. And you don't even know what the fuck that means, or what you would do, you would just be done. Hmm, have you wanted any part all of that, or not at all. Maybe even have gotten some of that. I know I have. I know I got through most of that. You know, got my doctorate, got a good job at, you know, a very large tech company, got married, bought a house, and I was so miserable. I was depressed beyond belief, because that wasn't actually what I wanted. That's what other people wanted for me. And again, when it's like, Well, boy, if I want to really want to want what I want, and I'm just going to get smacked around. I'm not going to get it, and I'm going to even get smacked for it. I guess. Here's some wants I'm allowed to have, I'm encouraged to have, and people will like me for wanting to, you know, get a new a new nice car, get, you know, get the latest tech gadgets, whatever it is. Yet, do I actually want that? And have you experienced that? Has there been things that you've noticed, that you thought you wanted, and you've even gotten it. And then I was like, fuck. Now I'm stuck with this. Or how do I get rid of this? And I remember this could be things, relationships, situations, whatever it is. And so this is a common thing. Is like, do you actually want it, or did others want it for you? And it's okay. This is what happens, and this is also part of why advertising is such a thing where they want to instill wants and desires that aren't authentically yours. And the point is to be aware of this, to question it and go, like, do I really want that? Like, how do I feel? What's it like if I was to actually have this and is this exciting me? Is it, does it light me up to think of of bringing this into my world, into my life, into my reality, or is it just like I don't even want to think about it? I better just, you know, heads down, go down this road and do the best I can, it's going to be a bit of a clue. So we've talked about not knowing what you want and then knowing you want something, but maybe it wasn't actually what you wanted. It's what others wanted for you. And now we're going to get into what starts to bring you closer to a little bit of a solution, which is the difference between wanting and having. Many people don't want you to want certain things because they're afraid if you want it, you're going to have it, and it's going to disrupt their life and what they have in relationship to you. Let's just do it like a really extreme example here. You know, imagine a monogamous a monogamous couple, you know, right? They're committed, maybe they're even married, and very few individuals that have a sexual attraction for humans, doesn't matter. Maybe it's the same sex, different sex. All the above whatever. If there's a poll that kind of helped get you into that relationship, it's very rare, very rare that that goes away, that there is no longer any desire for another person. So yet, the most common is to pretend that, oh no, oh no, Sweetie, you're the only one I have eyes for. I have no interest or desire for anybody else. That's bullshit. That is a lie. Yet, how many actually venture to say the truth that like, oh my gosh, I find I find that person incredibly sexually attractive that just, it just gets me a little excited. And, you know, there's, there's things I want, there's things I want to do. It's like, I want to know, what are the what are their panties like, like as they're like, fruits on there? Are they playing? Is it flowers or maybe, maybe no panties at all? Because what's, what's the feared reaction? And the common reaction is, is that jealous? Like, oh my gosh, you don't love me. You're you're, I can't believe that you have an attraction towards somebody else. You're awful, you're the worst person. Why? Because there's this threat, this fear, that this wanting will lead to having, which will lead to this person losing something that they have. It's like, well, somebody I'm with wants somebody else, they're going to end up with that other person, and I'm going to end up with nobody. Yet this doesn't have to be the case, not with not with attraction and not with wanting a different car, not with wanting to live somewhere else. Wanting can just be wanting. You can want, and you can just enjoy the thought, the excitement, and you can just enjoy expressing the desire and sharing that with someone you care about. And you know, yes, there could be a movement towards fulfilling the desire, fulfilling the want, yet that's not necessary. Just wanting is, in and of itself, an amazing thing to experience, and it's okay and it should be safe. If it's not safe to want, then it's almost not safe to live, because living really is about wanting, because it really is. We're here because we want to have an experience. We want to have a human journey through this lifetime. And if you aren't allowed to want something that's different than Why were you here? Why were you here to do the same things that everyone's done before? That makes no sense. You're here to have a unique, individualized journey and experience. And fundamentally, if you feel deep down, you know that's true. Yet so many of us are trying to live, have been trying to live a life that is just like so many that you've seen before. And so now we're going to start to get into like, well, what, what to do with it now that you're kind of have this awareness that okay wanting doesn't mean you have to have it, so it should be okay to want, and that maybe you now are aware that you don't even know what you want, or you've been wanting things that you don't really want somebody else wanted them for you, where do we go from here? And so I'm going to offer you a couple things, couple things. One is, again, the current, your current situation might not be set up where you can start to play with this, and that's okay, right? But that's not how we want to keep things going, like you might be at a job that you find miserable. I've been there. Sometimes you have a manager that you can share like, Hey, I'd rather I want to do this other thing. And they go like, as long as you do this, sure, go ahead, do that. I don't give a shit. Just get done what I need you to get done. Not all managers are like that. You might not even have co workers that even want to hear about that, that you want more, because, again, they're like, Well, what if this, if my co worker friend wants more, then maybe they're going to, you know, leave, or they're going to get a promotion, and then that's going to disrupt who I eat lunch with. So they're going to just tell you, like, hey, it's total garbage. Never going to happen. Like, don't even try it. So what you want is you want someone on your side that's going to hear what you want and and go, Yeah, that's awesome. I think that's great that you want that like and then just let you express it and be heard and know that it's okay to want it. So that's gonna that's one thing. And so who can that be? That can be a therapist, that could be a coach like myself? So, you know, feel free reach out whatever. There's how to contact me at the end of the show, you know. And hopefully, maybe you do have some friends or some family that you can yet, if not, go find someone pay for it. Or there's also lots of groups that allow you to do. Share whatever, like the 12 step groups. Chances are you're addicted to something, and there's going to be a 12 step group you could go to and for free, you can go and just go like, yeah, having a hard time. I sometimes eat too much. I don't know. I just would really love to, you know, buy a couple of hams and just smack them around with my hands like a couple of bond bongos and not even eat the hams. I felt. I felt like, if I could just smack the hams with my hands, then I wouldn't need to eat them and get them lodged into my gut area and have have my my butt cheeks turn into to hams instead, you know. And that's that's no cost. You just got to show up and be willing to listen and to be heard. So that's going to be one thing is finding someone where you can practice safely wanting, right? And then the other thing is, okay, intuition. How do you develop your intuition? How do you get more in line with what is it that you really want, that kind of like childlike self that you know, when you were a young kid, and you know, hopefully there was at least some point in your life where you could, or maybe you just didn't know any better yet, you just went

Unknown: 16:07

like, I want, I want tuna fish with bananas, and I want to, I want to do that, eat that sandwich while riding on my bicycle, while standing on it like, ridiculous.

Justin Wenck: 16:18

Doesn't matter, but maybe they've lost that touch to that and so how do you get that intuition back? So I've developed a really amazing energy practice that's super potent, super powerful, yet super easy. Takes under five minutes to practice. I call it the life energy activation process, and I'm getting ready to release it in a self guided format, because this is something that I've been I've been teaching one on one and in groups, and people have been having fabulous results, where they just feel super calm, they get clarity, they get to know their intuition. And so then they know what they want to do. They know what they want in life, and then they are able to come from a place of being able to start making roads to that for things that really matter and things they really want to create and experience and have. And so, you know, that's something that highly recommend. So the wait list for this is up, and there's a good chance maybe even by the time you're listening to this, it's available. But you go to Justin wenck.com, forward, slash, leap, L, E, A, P, because it's the life energy activation process, because and it works on the physical, mental, emotional and energetic levels, and it's just a series of movements, breaths and intentions takes less than five minutes that you can do just about anywhere. And so that's going to be another great way for you to start to really know what you want, and then feel like, oh, I can maybe start to bring some of these things I want into my life with ease. So with that, I hope I've given you some tools to help you know what you want and feel like you start getting what you want. We've done lots of other topics on previous episodes to you know, different you know, relationships and beliefs and mindsets and things like that, to you know, help you get something you want. Yet this is an important thing is to, like, actually have some idea of what you genuinely want. So I'd love to hear what is it that you want, what is it you want? And if you still don't know, then, you know, reach out to me. Check out. You know, the LEAP Inception process Justin wenck.com/leap and yeah, let's start getting you to enjoy wanting more out of your life and start enjoying more of your life. So with that, thank you and good day. Thanks for tuning in to engineering emotions and energy with Justin Wenck PhD, today's episode resonated with you. Please subscribe and leave a five star review. Your feedback not only supports the show, but also helps others find us and start their journey of emotional and energetic mastery. You can also help by sharing this podcast with someone you think will love it just as much as you do. Together, we're engineering more amazing lives you Wenck.