You Don’t Need to Earn Happiness—Here’s Why

You might be chasing happiness all wrong—and it’s costing you more than you realize.

Justin Wenck, PhD, unpacks the real reasons happiness can feel elusive, even when life looks good on the outside. He breaks down the three essential questions we rarely ask:

• What does it take to be happy?
• What does happiness actually mean to you?
• And most importantly… what even is happiness?

If you’ve ever felt like happiness is a moving target—or worse, something you’re not “allowed” to feel—this episode is for you.

💡 KEY TAKEAWAYS:

• Why overloading your "happiness checklist" makes it feel impossible
• How hidden beliefs (like “happiness means laziness”) might be sabotaging you
• Why redefining happiness could be your most important mindset shift
• A simple but powerful way to choose happiness—even during setbacks
• The role of attention and energy in shaping your emotional state

🎁 MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

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Watch the full video episode at Justin Wenck, Ph.D. YouTube Channel!

Check out my best-selling book "Engineered to Love: Going Beyond Success to Fulfillment" also available on Audiobook on all streaming platforms! Go to https://www.engineeredtolove.com/ to learn more!

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Transcript

Justin Wenck: 0:00

Are you happy? That's what we're going to be talking about today, is, are you actually happy? And what does it take to be happy? These are two things you might not have considered when it comes to being happy. Probably just focused on trying to do or get the things that, quote, make you happy. Yet, how's that been working out? There's some things that could shift, because if what it takes and what it means are things that don't really go well with actually being happy, then you probably gonna discover that you're about as happy as you'll allow yourself to be. Are you ready to live a life with enough time money and energy have relationships and connections that delight you. Are you ready for the extraordinary life you know you've been missing? If so, then this is the place for you. I'm a best selling author, coach, consultant and speaker who's worked in technology for over two decades. I'm a leader at transforming people and organizations from operating in fear, obligation and guilt to running off joy, ease and love. It's time for engineering emotions and energy with me. Justin Wenck, PhD, Happy Thanksgiving, happy holidays. Happy New Year, happy birthday. But are you happy? That's what we're going to be talking about today, is, are you actually happy? And what does it take to be happy? So with that, let's get started. So happiness, it's something that comes up often. I mean, who doesn't want to be happy? Right in the US. It's, you know, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness very fundamental to the human experience. Yet, how happy are you really? And today, I'm really going to get into two things. One is, what does it take for you to be happy? And two, what does being happy actually mean? These are two things you might not have considered when it comes to being happy. Probably just focused on trying to do or get the things that, quote, make you happy yet. How's that been working out? And when we dive into these two questions, you might see that, Ooh, there's some things that could shift. Because if what it takes and what it means are things that don't really go well with actually being happy, then probably gonna discover that you're about as happy as you'll allow yourself to be. So at the end of this, gonna give you some ways that you can maybe shift that you know, some possibilities, some things to that. And just by you becoming more conscious of this, it's already going to start to work in your favor. And you're going to start to be more happy, just as sure as you are where you are. Listen to my voice, you're going to start to see that it's easier to be happy just how you are right now. So the first is, what does it take to be happy? I know for myself, I used to think that the requirements for being happy were just about as lengthy as the requirements of a spec sheet for a brand new solid state drive that the engineering team needed to work when I was still doing that kind of work, which I'm, you know, glad I glad I did, but I'm also glad I no longer do that, because I'm really do enjoy being here, getting to talk to you and talk to you here today. And so, like, what did i What did it take to be happy? Well, it's, I gotta have the right body. I gotta, you know, have the right looks. I gotta be wearing the right clothes, I gotta have the right amount of education, gotta have the right job with the right impact, with the right amount of notoriety, and I have to have the right kind of friends. I gotta have the right kind of partner be having the, you know, the right kind of sensual times and doing the right types of vacations, eating the right types of food, having the right kind of body, and the list went on and on, and all that shit had to come together for me to be happy. And even then, then it's like, it all comes together, and then like, oh, wait, something shifts or now I get an idea of, like, something else that's missing, and poof, it's gone. So being happy was almost in fucking possible, and then the brief times I made it, poof, it would just as, just as quickly as it came, it went away. And so I'd be curious, what does it take for you to be happy? Do you have a whole laundry list of things that it takes, things that you know they might show up as list of problems or challenge or things, but really it's like you flip that around, and that's the list of what's required to be happy, all this list of ands, and even, you know, in engineering, if. Got a whole bunch of things that need to go together, then it's going to be a lot more rare that you actually get that that outcome to happen. But if it's, you know, one of many things, then oh my gosh, it becomes so much easier to be happy. Like, oh, what if only one of these things in my list is true right now? Like, what if I'm breathing like, right? Because it's like, I You can't be happy if you're not breathing, if you're dead, you're there's no way you can be happy period, end of story, at least not not you know, as as a human being, maybe you know, in some other form, you can still be happy, but so human being, you got to be breathing, to be happy as a human Period. End of story. It's so what if that's one thing that makes you happy, and that's all it takes, right? It's not to say that other things are going to also make you happy. Like, you know, all of a sudden, like, oh my gosh, I got that job that I've really wanted to experience, because it does all these things, yet it was just an additional possible way to be happy, right? And then, like, Oh, finally, that, that person that you've wanted to go on the date with, or wanted to marry you, or whatever it is, they said yes. Like, Oh yeah, that's that's definitely gonna be happier, right? So that's the first thing is, what does it take to be happy? And I'm going to challenge you to really think and go like, yeah, when? When do I allow myself to be happy? What does it take? Does it take, you know, a confluence of so many different variables, and they have to be right? But then these variables are dynamic and always shifting. And so soon as I get the magic recipe, boom, it's gone, and I gotta get to work all over again, you know? Or maybe you're somewhere in between, and we can all continue to work to allow what it takes to be happy to be easier and simpler. And you might go, okay, okay, I got you. I'm with. This makes sense on one level, but there still might be one other thing really getting in your way, and that's, what does it mean to be happy? Because if what it means to be happy is something that goes against some of your fundamental values, then even if it's easy, you're still going to find a way to avoid it, right? Like, let's take the miracle of driving a car. It's it's incredibly challenging to drive a car. It's actually really easy to crash a car, if you think about it, you just need to not pay attention. You just gotta wildly, you know, jerk the wheel and stuff, or, you know, hit the gas without thinking, slam on the brake without thinking, really easy, yet you go out on the road, and for the most part, there's no crashes, when you consider all the people out there. And now, you know, self driving cars. We have a ton out here in the San Francisco Bay Area, and the little amount of accidents and crashes, again, can always do better, right? Can always do better, but the amount of crashes and accidents and stuff phenomenally low, considering how easy it is to crash, to make mistakes, to do these things. So why? Why does this not happen? Why? Why is it? Why do, why do we not do the easy thing? Because it goes against what we value. You know, it's like, well, we value our lives, we value property, we value getting to places in a timely, efficient manner. And these are shared values and personal values. And so even as easy as something could be, if you, if you have the value or the meaning that, like, well, that's that's something to be avoided, you sure as fuck can avoid it. And so we see that with driving, we're able to avoid the easy thing, which is crashing. And that's a good thing, yet maybe been doing something similar when it comes to your happiness. Like, maybe it has been possible for it to be that easy, to be that simple. Yet, what does it mean to be happy to you? So I know for me, and I know for many people, it's like, when I really look at like, well, what is it? What did it used to mean to be happy? Well, it's like, well, being happy means there's no motivation to do anything. It's like, I've done it like, you know, that trying to be happy, that was the, that was the reason to do anything to, you know, try to better myself, try to go out there and do things. Try to, you know, have impact, is try to make money. Is because, like, well, maybe that. And, you know, if I get, if I do these things, then I will be happy. I'm happy, then I won't do these things. I'm not doing anything, then I'm not experiencing. And so happiness means lack of experience. And part of being human is to experience. To enjoy our five senses in various contexts and to see like, well, what's that like, and what is the emotional response, and what's the experience? What's the adventure? So it's like happiness. Happiness would mean no no more experience, no more adventure, no more enjoying sensory feeling, no more getting to have other possibilities of emotion. And effectively, it's like being dead. And it's like, well, if I'm not doing anything, then I probably would soon be dead. So shit, happiness is death. I don't want to die. I want to live. So best not to be happy. And this might not be your meaning, although for many of you listening, it probably is pretty damn close to you know what the meaning of happiness is, that true happiness that might actually last longer than a quarter of a second, is this like as sure as shit, the same as eventual death and so, boy, why? Why be happy? Try to avoid happy. Avoid happiness like you avoid wrecking your car, yet, there's other meetings that are possible, right? And so to me now, the meaning of being happy is, oh, it's it's so expansive. It's like, now I can see what else makes me happy, or modulates the feeling of happiness, or joy, or and the other thing is that it's energizing that being happy provides energy that allows it to be more easy to go and experience the things I want to experience, and I can choose them. And then the other thing is being happy being so easy. It's also being very attractive and magnetic, because happiness brings in more happiness. So it's like becomes even easier to attract the people, the experiences, the opportunities, the impact that I want, well being happy. And so it's just like, if happiness means all that, and yeah, I want, I want to be as happy as I can be as often. And you might be kind of going, like, Whoa, no. But not everything is going to be happy. Like, you know, like, you know, sometimes things happen. Your car gets in a wreck. And again, just because the car gets in a wreck doesn't necessarily, it's like, yeah, that's that sucks. That's not fun yet. The amount of time spent in that, that stuckness, that ickiness, that whatever doesn't have to last long, because it can be like, Okay, well, what's the message here of of the wrecking the car or the the ending of the relationship or the loss of the job or the or the the diagnosis of something, some, some health ailment. It might be like, it's a time to go, oh, what's going on here? What have I missed? And how can I make a difference? Like, oh, I'm good. I'm having an experience. I'm getting to learn. I'm getting to choose how to do something differently that maybe I've been on autopilot and I didn't realize what was going on here. And now it's the time to look and ponder and reflect and go, Ah, now I see what I got to do now. And you can then more happily go about doing it, as opposed to like, oh boy, I got to get out of this shit and try to get to the happiness at the end of this. The happiness isn't at the end, the happiness is a state of being right now. And I, you know, said I was going to talk about, you know, two things to consider. And you know that being the, what does it take to be happy? And then the, what does it mean to be happy? But let's get to the third thing, which is, what actually is happiness? It's it's a state of being, and you choose your state by choice. Often you're not consciously choosing it. You're allowing that decision to be made for you by what's going on, on what is happening externally in your world. Once you recognize that, that's why you know, do lots of you know episodes on this did one episode about, you know, what's the most important, most valuable thing that you have, and it's your attention, which is why advertisers pay millions, billions of dollars to get your attention. Because when someone has your attention, they basically they have you, you can get you to feel however you want they want you to, and once they have you feeling the way they want you to do the you'll kind of do what it is they want you to do. It's been very interesting. I've been reading Isaac Asimov, his books, the foundation series of books because I started watching the series on Apple. It's not an ad for them, but supposedly I just got, don't worry, I'm going to get to the point of what it is to be happy. But you know, as a podcaster, I get all these notices from, you know, where I have my podcast, and so Apple sends it, going like, Hey, we got. Some some changing our privacy policy, because new things are happening. Where, if you mentioned, you know, other podcasts on the Apple podcasts, or if you mentioned Apple services or whatever, we're going to put links in your description or on the on the app. I don't know what, but I'm just like, What a weird, wild world where things are happening that, again, again, that trying to get the attention, because it's like, well, if they can get the attention to stay in the Apple verse, Then you were going to stay an apple, apple person again. You know, if you consciously know that that's happening, you can go all right, I'm this works for me. But if you're like, wait, this doesn't work. I'm going to put my attention elsewhere again. This puts you in the driver's seat. So you might be going like, Well, Justin, how can I choose to be, choose to be happy, right? You know, let's, let's take an instance of maybe if there was a time in your life where somebody did you wrong, you were just innocently going about your life. You're following all the rules. You were doing the right things, but somebody came up and they did something that harmed you, that it made it hurt you. It harmed you. They did you wrong. They maybe they slandered you, they said bad things about you, or they took something of yours, or maybe they just didn't recognize that you were there, and they just it, just disregards you. I'm sure there's some time in your life that's coming up, and how do you how did that make you feel like you're probably, like, getting all frustrated and angry and upset and like that, motherfucker, yeah, you're right. They did cut in front of me in line and I was next. I was next, or, yeah, they, they kept ignoring me. They kept calling me by the wrong name? Yeah, they kept calling me whatever, stinky pants, and I sucked, and I don't like that. So see just how that you're based on where your attention is, your emotions are shifting. And you can shift that just as easily to imagine a time in your life when, like, you just got something that was such a treasure. Somebody said something that, like, oh my gosh, I love it when you do this. This is so great. Thank you so much. Like, you mean so much to me when you say this and when you do these things for me. And I just, I'm so glad that you know you're in my life and you do these things, or maybe they just, they just let you know in some way, and just let yourself, like, remember that time, and to feel that and just like, Oh yeah, yeah. And you're probably starting to feel like, happy, maybe there's a little smile or a little just friend and and so you can do this on your own, because happiness is just a state of being, and so you can choose it. And doesn't mean it's going to be easy or you're going to be perfect, because, again, things are going to be happen, right? But it's as soon as you recognize, like, oh boy, I have I could shift this. What's the gift in what's happening? Because every time else in my life, as sure as I've listened to Justin's podcast. As sure as I am thinking and breathing right now, I have gotten out of fixes in the past, and they've worked out, and I've had other good, amazing times. What is the gift? What is the thing to be learned and gained so that my life can be even better and I can have other experiences that provide more options to be happy and enjoyable and to have impact, right that I can be doing things in the world and I'm at choice. I'm no longer required to have to strive, to struggle like it gets to be a joy and a pleasure to do the things that come up in my world and in my life, and I get to choose where I go, what to experience, instead of just okay, well, maybe someday, eventually, I'll be able to get out of this, and I'll do enough, and I'll get to be happy. But as sure as you've seen and felt, that day never comes. It's just like the the sign in front of the bar, you know, it says free beer tomorrow, or maybe it's free acai bowls tomorrow. And you see, you go in and go, Well, can I get, can I get the free bowl, the free beer? And they go, Oh, it's tomorrow. And so you show up the next day, and it's like, it's okay, it's tomorrow. And they go, No, it's today. It's the free stuff is tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes. It's now, now, now, now. Now is the time. Now is the time to be happy, and now is the time to choose what it means to you to be happy. And if you're wondering, like, Okay, I think I get it conceptually, because the concept is one thing, but it's the really getting it into your whole body, to be part of your beliefs, to be part of your identity, to be part of your very essence, that is another thing. And if you're looking for ways, I'm going to encourage you to go check out my life energy activation process leap, because it is an incredibly. Potent and powerful energy. Practice that I have created, developed, put together, takes less than five minutes to practice, and you can learn it in between 30 minutes and 60 minutes. And currently, I got a wait list so that when the when the course is ready, so that you can take, do this anytime, anywhere. So it's out that you can be one of the first to know. So you want to just go to Justin wenck.com, forward, slash, leap, L, E, A, P, for life, energy activation process. So that's going to be, you know, super easy, super incredible, super powerful. And yet, if you're like, I can't wait, or you really want to deep dive on some things, because, you know, leap, it's a process that it's going to, it's going to bring things up and shift these powerfully, potently, you know, over a little bit of time, yet again, just five minutes a yet, if you really want to, like, deep dive and, like, maybe shift something bigger, maybe you're, like, I don't even know what to shift, but I know there's something and I want to get figured out, and I want to do it now, then really encourage you to, you know, maybe book a session with me and we can, you know, get that figured out and get that shifted and changed, you know, really, really quickly. So go to Justin Wenck, com slash connect. And, yeah, there's a place where you can sign up to have a little little chat. You me have a little chat and figure out how we can best, best get you happy now, right? Because now is the time so that wishing you happy now, whatever the holiday may be, just happy now. And I'd love to hear like, what's what have you found to be? What has it taken for you to be happy in the past? What has it What has it meant to you to be happy? And then you know, even more importantly, what, what could it take, and what could it mean to be happy for you going forward? So love for you. To let me know in the comments, shoot me an email. However you get a hold of me, I make myself quit. Pretty available. Love to hear from you. So with that, thank you so much and good day. Thanks for tuning in to engineering emotions and energy with Justin Wenck PhD, today's episode resonated with you. Please subscribe and leave a five star review. Your feedback not only supports the show, but also helps others find us and start their journey of emotional and energetic mastery. You can also help by sharing this podcast with someone you think will love it just as much as you do. Together, we're engineering more amazing lives you.