It’s Not What You Want, It’s How You Want It

Have you ever considered that the problem isn't what you are wanting from your life, your business, or your relationships, but how you're going about the wanting?

Most of us are stuck in a classic mental trap: the "if-then" fallacy. We tell ourselves, "When I achieve this goal, get that promotion, or fix my health, then I will finally be happy." But your external reality isn't a vending machine that dispenses joy once you input enough hard work—it is an exact reflection of who you are right now. If you are operating from a core state of anger, lack, or constant dissatisfaction, your system will simply keep reproducing environments that reflect that.

Episode Overview

In this episode of Engineering Emotions and Energy, we look at the mechanics of human desire and the subtle ways our rigid expectations block our fulfillment. We dive into why the true purpose of living is about learning how to be happy while in the active pursuit of our desires, rather than waiting for an arbitrary end point. It's time to open ourselves up to receiving what we want in highly unexpected, elegant, and easeful ways.

Key Ideas / Takeaways

• The Iceberg of Reality: Understanding how your subconscious beliefs and identity form the foundational bulk that dictates your actual physical environment.
• The "If-Then" Fallacy: Breaking down why waiting for an achievement to feel happy is the worst way to go about it, and how being delighted now invites what you want much faster or funer-er-er.
• Letting Go of the Spoon-Fed Solution: Why fixating on a highly specific delivery method—like George Costanza eating a candy bar with a knife and fork—blinds you to the gifts landing right in your lap.
• Data Points Beyond the Scale: Re-engineering how you track your success in your health, career, or relationships by learning to look for multiple data metrics instead of one single, stubborn number.

Why Listen

This conversation is for anyone who feels like they are grinding away without seeing the signs of success they've been struggling for. If you're ready to build the internal muscle of genuine appreciation, this episode offers the exact perspective shift you need to let things show up smoothly.

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Transcript

Justin Wenck: 0:00

Have you considered that it's not what you want, but it's how you want it. It's not the problem with what it is that you're asking your world, or for those around you, for it's how you're going about the asking, and that's what we're going to go into today on the show, is two important parts of how you might be wanting something. One is, how satisfied are you with the way things are, and then how satisfied are you with when things come to you in an unexpected way. These two things can make all the difference, and that's what we're going to be diving into in this episode, are Are you ready to live a life with enough time, money, and energy, have relationships and connections that delight you? Are you ready for the extraordinary life you know you've been missing? If so, then this is the place for you. I'm a best-selling author, coach, consultant, and speaker who's worked in technology for over two decades. I'm a leader at transforming people and organizations from operating in fear, obligation, and guilt to running off joy, ease, and love. It's time for engineering emotions and energy with me, Justin Wink, PhD. So we're talking about it's not just what you want, but how you want it, that might be making the big impact on are you actually going to get what you want, and we've talked about, you know, wanting things many times on this show. I think I do this topic probably at least once a year. I was just looking back and saw that I, you know, went on the talked about the three ways wanting goes wrong and how to get it right. That was when was this, that was that was October of last year. Why? Because really, desire is an important part of life, and when that doesn't go right, it really makes life really challenging, and I know some of you out there are probably going, like, Justin, what happened to the six best values of 2026 I haven't forgotten. I know we got the number one still coming up, because I know that you've been loving the previous five. We talked about integrity, kindness, joy, communication, growth, and you're like, what's the number one? It's coming, that's the number one. So, it's got to be a really well done, really fantastic episode, and it is. So, it's all in the right time. So, keep subscribed, make sure you're liking and all that stuff, and sharing with a friend, and you're subscribed to the newsletter, and so that you don't, you don't miss it. You're not, you don't want to miss it, or any of these episodes, but yeah, like I'm sure you've got things you want, like you know, maybe it's your health, maybe it has something to do with a relationship, or maybe it's something really satisfying, you know, your purpose, or maybe it's just learning something new, or going on a trip, and I'm sure you haven't gotten everything you want just yet, if I'm, if I'm off, you know, definitely, you know, let me know, send a comment, write me a message on one of the socials, but if you had everything you want, why would you be here, right? Part of the joy of living is the pursuit, the pursuit of what you want, just, just Fourth of July here in the US, and you know, one of the big things is, you know, the pursuit of life, the life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, that is, you know, one of the things I think, in the Declaration of Independence, or not, it's great, it's the sentiment that matters, but it doesn't say that it's about being happy, it's about being able to pursue happiness, and again, that was 250 years ago, and I like to think that we've evolved, and that it really is. If I was going to do a new declaration of human independence for a world that's, you know, way more enjoyable, works better, and serves serves you, me, and those we all care about. It would be it's about being happy while in the pursuit of our desires. That would, that's.. I'd probably do some more work, but desires are an important part of living, and getting to enjoy, you know, receiving what we desire at times is a lot of fun. Could you imagine an entire lifetime where everything you wanted you got denied, even if at the very end of your life you got it all? But up until then, it was just.. it was just the worst, most horrible shit show. That's a rough life, and some of you might be feeling like I think I'm living that life, and I'm not going to say that you're wrong, and that it might feel that way for now, and hopefully this show could be the start of changing that process that you see that really you have gotten some of what you wanted, and that part of it is learning to and. Enjoy what you've already gotten and enjoying the process along the way, so that you can now start to get more of what you want, because many of you, and I used to be one of these people, you want stuff, but you want it in a particular way, and that is preventing you from being the person who receives what it is that you want, so let's again, there's there's two things. One is, how well are you liking what you currently have? Because a lot of times you think I got nothing, I have the worst life, things are just horrible, awful, it's a mess, like you just need to know my house, my health, my finances, my relationships, like I just did, nothing, nothing is going, and I don't have kids, but I know some of you do, yet we've all all been kids, and one quality of kids is they're not always happy with everything that they get, right? Like, you know, it's like, oh, you got them the video game, but you got you, you got the regular version, and there was the super expanded version, whatever, whatever it is, or you know, you got them the hula hoop, but they really wanted the frisbee, and it's like, well, fuck, like they're both circles, like they're both, they're for kids, Hudsucker proxy reference for those of you that got anyway, but could you imagine being a parent and the child never, never appreciates anything, not a goddamn thing ever, it's just never good enough. It's always awful. It's always the worst thing, and it always sucks. It always sucks. You're the parent. How excited are you going to be to go and try and get, get that kid anything they want, ever? If every single time it's wrong, it's no good, it's shit, it's garbage. It was just, what were you thinking, Mom, Dad, whatever, whoever you are. I can't even.. how dare you even give me this junk? It's nonsense. Many of you are that kid. And the thing is, let's do a quick aside about how the universe works. The universe doesn't care. It cares as much as you believe it cares. So, if you don't believe it cares, it doesn't care. The thing is, there's, you know, the law of attraction, where it's like, oh, you get what you think, and it's really because your thoughts are only part part of the situation. I kind of go through this a little bit in my book. It's a big part of neuro linguistic programming, you don't have to really know, but there's a little bit of this thing called the logical level, where it's, you know, your, your environment, what you get is sort of the very tip, tip of an iceberg, you know, you got this, this iceberg, and up here, up here at the tip, that's that's what you see, that's what you experience, that's your external world, and what you, what's in it, but what it's built upon below the surface is you got your things like your, your beliefs and your identity, and one of the things I like to add in is your energetics behind it that I, that I add in, but you only have to know about that, but like your beliefs and your identity, because these things are your subconscious, your unconscious, the things that are going on when you're not thinking, but you are, and so really your environment, your world, your universe, it's giving you who you are, who you are is what is being reflected back, so anything that you don't like outside in your world, it's just showing you something within that needs a little work, needs a little attention, that maybe you know it's like you, there's conflict out there, you have some conflict within yourself, my friend, and you know you don't have to believe this, it's one of these things like you know you don't have to believe in gravity, it just kind of, that's just kind of how the world here works, like just because Newton came up with gravity, he just identified it and put it into terms that were more usable and workable, but gravity on this earth has been around as long as there's been humans, and so it's like either you work with it and respect it, or you're going to try to fly off that cliff, and gravity is going to go, no, you're not, you, you're going to become a pancake, and so now that we've talked about kind of the universe is just reflecting who you are, your reality, basically the sum of what you have in your bank account, your relationships, your phone book, and you know what's your health is just reflecting who you are, you know. Are you somebody that enjoys what it is you have? Because if you don't enjoy what you have, you'll never enjoy anything that you're given, right? Because now is the only time, you can't like, and this is the fallacy that emanates. Any people I know, I have is like, well, when I achieve this, then I will be happy. If then, if then, that's not, that's not how it again, because remember, you are getting who you are, not what you want. So, if I am happy, then I can receive even more things that bring me happiness, right. So it's not I am, I am angry, I am upset. Bring me the thing to make me happy. It is I am happy, I'm delighted, I am thankful, I'm grateful. Bring me more. It's a very big shift, because who's, who's more fun to give to right the child that's like, oh my gosh, you got me something. Thank you so much. I love this. This is great. Oh, and then maybe they're like, oh, this is great. Did you know that? That this toy, this is this, you got me, you got me, he man. But there's a whole universe of characters, there's She-Ra, and there's a Skeletor, and they can do a whole thing. Oh, I'm gonna have so much fun with this. Thank you. And, like, you hear that, and it's like, let me get this kid fucking Skeletor. I can't wait to see what it does when I've got Skeletor and He-Man, and all this is having a fun, having a party, creating all these great things, and such is your world, because again, your world is you in a lot of ways, so if you're having fun with what you got and just excited, so and you're like, okay, Justin, but I, everything, everything sucks, everything sucks, and I really, I invite you to put it in the comments or send me a message, let me know what sucks, and I will let you know what is the benefit of that. What an episode I would really love to do sometime is, what can't Justin find great about? Because really, it's one of my super skills, one of my talents is I can see the gift, the possibility, the opportunity, and literally anything. You're like anything, yes, fucking anything and everything, I have had some awful, awful, horrible, horrendous things happen in my life, and I'm here today, and I am delighted that they all happened, because I'm here today. I hope you're enjoying the new real fake background. I think I'm going to change it, but it's, it's allowed some shit, but to my left I have a real window that I can look out and see real whales, and it's been my life for a few years now, and it's great, it's, it's wonderful. Is there more that I would like in a home? Of course, here's the, here's the trick to when there's something not going your way, because could you imagine if you only had stuff you, you always enjoyed. What would you then pursue? What would you then want? If, if you wanted for nothing, you would then explore nothing. You would then try nothing. You would then do nothing, right? But when there's a little friction, there's a little. huh, this isn't quite what I want. That's an indication of what you want, huh? So, sometimes that is the gift in thing, something being bad. So, like, you got a health issue. Oh, I like good health, and the thing is, no matter how bad your health is, you still have some. So, there's always something to be grateful for until you are actually dead. There's still something going on. There's still a shot. You still, you always got a shot. And now you know, like, yeah, it's breathing. I like this. I'd like to be able to breathe in a more easeful, enjoyable way, or whatever it is. And so, again, it allows for that. Thank you. Bring me more. I like this. I'm delighted in this. I'm enjoying this. I want more. So, that's that's the first thing, is being in gratitude for what, what you currently have. No, Matt, start small. Anything is something to start with, like just, oh my gosh, I had food to eat today. That's great. That's wonderful. I had food to eat today. I had water to drink. It didn't kill me. It really is a muscle that you build up. There's so many ways to do gratitude, but the more you do it, the more you're going to enjoy life now, and you're going to start to see more things coming in, because it's, it's sometimes just amazing, and sometimes they're small, but the small things become big things. I remember back when I, when I did own a home, and it was like within, like, seven seven months of that, I, you know, I saw some offers to refinance the house, and, and it was just like, wait a minute, I just fill out some paperwork, and I just pay less money every month, like, is just bad, like, oh, it's like half an hour, and I pay like $500 less a month, because, because the interest rates were lower, it got lower, but really, you know. Something simple, big impact, and sometimes just little things. Like this morning, I had a meeting with my coach. I meet with my coach at least once a week, and I, for years, I'd write out a note, and I'd have indents, and then I'd paste it to her in WhatsApp, and it wouldn't fuck up all the formatting, and then I'd have to fix it in WhatsApp. And this morning, I just.. I just was like, oh, I could just do a screenshot of it with the good formatting, and that worked great, you know? It's like, oh, things got even better, right? Like, it wasn't bad. I was like, I get to have my coach and share with the things that I want to get feedback on, and.. and it just got even met, and that's a small thing, and then sometimes there's big things, but whenever you get a little thing, be grateful, be happy, be like, thank you. And this brings me to the second part of it's not what you're wanting, because again, there's nothing wrong. Remember, we did an episode on the weaponized desire from when I visited the Vatican, and how it really, it's okay to want whatever you want. It's really about, you know, how you go about it, and some of you often have gotten what you want, but it didn't come the way you want it, right? It reminds me of this episode of Seinfeld, where all of a sudden I can't remember who's the first person, it might have been George. It's the first person to start. He ate like a candy bar with a knife and fork, and then he sees somebody, and then it becomes a whole thing where everybody eats their candy bars, their cookies, whatever their candy that most people eat with their hand. Oh boy, I was. they with the eat with their hand, there. That's a better motion, but they're like my knife and fork, and so in what ways have you become a person that's like I can't get the treat unless I have a plate and a knife and a fork and it's heated up just just so if it's not, if I don't get what I want the way I want it, it's shit, it's garbage, it's awful, right? Like, you know, again, like going back to being kind of like a little bit of the spoiled, the spoiled kid, you know, it's like you got the kid, the pony, but the kid's like, you got me a pony now, but I don't want to ride the pony now, I want to go on. I want to go on the race car right now. It's just like, wait, did this? I got the exact thing, but you're telling me I didn't do it at the right time or the right way, that like the pony is was supposed to like have tassels in the hair, and it was supposed to be there's a band supposed to be playing to the poet, it wasn't the poet, the pony is not enough. How many times have you gotten something you wanted? Because in some ways that's what that's what my example of refinancing the home was. It's like for years it's like, oh man, I really just wish that I could, you know, get some, have some, have some more money, right? Have some more money, and it was like, well, the only way to get more money, but to me, back then, was I got to get a raise, I got to get promoted, that's the only way, and that, well, and then maybe over some years these investments will finally pay off little by little, but for now, so I gotta, and then it was like, wait, if I don't, if I just do this remortgage, that's more, that's more money, that's the same as more money, but I just, I didn't even think that that would do it, and it did it, but for the longest time, because I could have done that refinancing for three months or something, but I didn't want to see it, because it wasn't the way I thought it was allowed, so starting to be open to, okay, I want this because this would be even better than I have now, and I'm open to it coming in the best time and in the best way, and maybe even a way that's even better than I could imagine, right? So, if that's if you're somebody that's like looking for the good and things, because you're getting you're you're doing your gratitude, so you're getting in the habit of that, and then when something does lay into your lap, you're like, "Oh, how is this? How is this good? How is this a good thing for me? What is the benefit? So, and again, it doesn't really matter what it is, because again, like, especially, like, let's take health, right? This is something I put a little bit focus on after my travels, because I was, I was really enjoying all the delights and treats and tastes of being in different countries and fine cuisines and beverages and all that stuff, and so when I got back I had a little balance to do, and this is one of those things that this is an area where I'm incredibly well trained at shifting my habits, because I am accustomed to looking for lots of data points that say I am on the right track with making shifts in my health, whereas most people, what do they do? You might be one of these people, if you have been, you're not anymore, because you're going to be a. A person like me, that you're going to go from where you did just look at the number on the scale, and it's like, oh my gosh, the number on the scale is awful. It didn't get any better. I'm a failure. You're not a failure, just that that number happened to not change, and there's so much more to your health, just like there's so much more to your financial picture, and there's so much more to your, the quality of relationships, and there's so much more to your purpose. There's so much more to travel, so like with your health, if you start looking for, like, well, there's, you know, how do my clothes fit? There's how, how am I able to, you know, move my body? Is how does it feel when I do different movements? What's how much strength, how much endurance do I have when I think it's how far can I walk when I go for a walk. What are my.. how are my labs changing? How much am I enjoying foods that I know are nourishing me? Right, how's the quality of my sleep? There starts to be just a lot of things that you can look for that goes like I'm getting healthier, I'm getting, I'm getting in better shape, which is not just the physical shape, but sort of the shape of the, of your, of your energy, of your motion, of your, your inner, inner health as well, right. And so it's not just about what you want, it's about how you're wanting it when you shift how you want stuff, what you want is going to be able to show up much more easily, much more elegantly, and in a way that benefits not just you but those around you and in your world, because if you're coming from a place that, oh, this, this can be enjoyable, this can be easy, what a gift is that for those that get to get to be around you, get to spend time with you. All right, and so aren't you going to have higher quality relationships? Aren't you going to have higher quality opportunities for your business, for your career? Aren't things going to go what lot more smoothly when you go on that trip or go on travel, because it's one of these things, like the more I've shifted how, how I want things, the more people just come up and, you know, enjoy talking to me, or just say, 'Hey, wait, okay, look how happy you look, how much you're enjoying dancing, and all these great things, and the more, the more I see gifts, the more things are going my way, more and more. So I'm curious, what's what's landing for this with you, you know? Is there a way that you can be more appreciative of what's already in your life? You know, gratitude, being thankful. And then is there a way that you can start to be more open to things coming in your life in different ways. I know often when I would work on a project, I'd be like, well, the tool, and many of you that are probably working with AI tools lately, getting this in droves, because it never, it never is going to do things in the way that you would expect them to, it might do it even once, but then the second time it's going to do it a little differently, but it's like the tool should do it this way, and so often I would just be so fixated on like I need a tool that'll do that'll solve the problem in the way I want it solved, that I forget that it's really about solving the problem, it's not about it being solved in the way that I want to be solved, it's about am I am I getting the outcome, am I am I getting the goal? Am I getting the experience that I want to have, and so letting go of how it has to happen, the way that it has to be solved, and just focusing on, yeah, I want to, I want to experience having this in my life. I mean, this is great, and I want more. So, let's, let's see, how that can come in, in a way that is enjoyable, easeful, right? so that I can be happy while I'm pursuing my desires. So with that, we're going to wrap this up, and I'd love to hear, you know, do you think this is nonsense? Let me know. Let me know what you think is just so, so awful, you know, and let.. and we'll see if we can find, find the, find the brighter side of it. Although I'd much rather hear you give the brighter side of it on your own, you do that, and go, like, you know what, this used to be a challenge, but now I'm seeing the real gift in it, and this is what I would like to experience even more of, and I'm excited. However, that might come into my life. So, with that, I'm going to say thank you. And good day. Thanks for tuning in to Engineering Emotions and Energy with Justin Wenck, PhD. Today's episode resonated with you. Please subscribe and leave a five-star review. 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